Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away
by Gary Chapman
Four myths about marriage
Environment determined state of mind
People don't change
The only choices are misery or divorce.
[one more]
Divorce can be harder more painful and more costly than what people expect.
Remarriage may not be as good as it seems.
People can be in difficult situations with good attitude.
A person cannot change another but can influence others
The true self is not defined by emotions
Decisions should not be based just on a emotion.
One spouse can act lovingly without feeling living.
Love is an attitude, not an emotion.
Love can be learned.
Motivations come from the hidden self.
Everything the person done does is motivated by perceived internal needs.
Even inappropriate behaviors serve some need.
Basic needs include love, freedom, making a contribution, peace with God, recreation
Irresponsible / apathetic spouse
You may not see objective reality about your spouse.
Try to find the motivation for spouse.
Part 2 chapter 5 is about the workaholic
The workaholic was criticized by parents during childhood.
The workaholic fears being judged and competent by his wife.
Working is a way to avoid confrontation or condemnation
(2h10m in audiobook) Sometimes love must be tough.
Tender Love precedes tough love.
Often the first step is to increase understanding of spouse's motivations and change your own behaviors.
(2h14m) story of a depressed wife who lost weight, doesn't sleep, stopped smiling, stopped eating with the family.
There are many kinds of depression, each with their own symptoms and causes.
Treatments for depression include counseling, antidepressant medication, and spiritual help.
Chapter 7 is about the controlling spouse.
Dominant personalities are gold oriented not person oriented. They are good at getting things done.
Getting itself is a task, and once the task is accomplished, the dominating spouses behavior may change to focus on other tasks.
There was a long anecdote about Gina and Philip where Philip control gina, so Gina left phillip. For many years she couldn't get his attention until she left the house and served him separation papers. Then he went to counseling and accepted her influence.
Submitting to a controlling spouse moves the conflict within a person.
Arguing with the controlling spouse is like throwing gasoline on a fire.
A solution for the controlling spouse is called influence by agreement. Agree with your spells based on their point of view. Assert your freedom.
Chapter eight is about the verbally abusing spouse.
A verbally abusing spouse doesn't acknowledge the wrong or ask for forgiveness, unlike normal people who may say harsh things and later regret them.
The abuser is likely to blame the other spouse for provoking the abuse. He or she deserved it.
It is important to believe in the goodness of the spouse. Here she was not always so harsh, and can choose to be that way again.
Set boundaries, be positive, make a plan if the boundaries are broken, and stick to the plan.
Chapter 9 is about the physically abusive spouse.
With a physically abusive spouse, there's a normal cycle of building tension, abuse, and remorse. During remorse the relationship may have been better than ever.
Women often put up with the abuse for too long.
For an abusive person, the goal is not to eliminate anger but to replace it with positive expressions of that anger.
Chapter 10 is about a spouse who was abused as a child sexually or about the partners' spouse who abuses their children sexually.
A person who was abused sexually as a child may grow up to feel and violence foods sex.
There was an anecdote about a husband who did not have sex with his wife once in 6 years of their marriage because he was sexually abused as a child.
[This is 71% of the book. I did not finish]