I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship
by Mira Kirshenbaum
The percentages refer to the position in the Audible audiobook.
Part 1 chapter 5 32% "It isn't trust unless you relinquish the need for safety"
People have needs for safety and trust, but person's behavior must choose to emphasize one or the other.
When one person in a couple asks for safety, the other person can feel unsafe. Acting for safety makes a person feel lonely.
When when person acts trusting, the other will often reciprocate.
35% trust is a feeling based on fact but not certainty.
36% there are six key questions after a betrayal.
One: how will I cope with this?
Two: does the other person really care about me?
Three: can the other person see me and understand how this betrayal hurt me?
Four: can our relationship survive?
Five: can we make things safer and better between us?
Six: can I forgive him?
After the trail of person can feel crazy because major expectations about the world have been violated, but it is important to not do anything I can't be taken back such as committing a crime.
After the initial craziness, anger can increase. This surprises many people who commit the betrayal.
When a person is betrayed, he or she will put the betrayer through a trial or of ordeal that tests that person's commitment care.
During the angry phase, it's not safe for either person to talk. The longer the angry phase lasts, the worse it is for the relationship.
48%, some anger is understandable and can tell the other person how serious things are, but too much can be destructive.
When the anger cools off and the crazy simmers down, then the problem has not been solved but the healing begins.
Each person should acknowledge his or her contribution to the problem. This is more effectiveness for healing and problem-solving then defensiveness.
When the couple disagrees, it is important to make a decision rather than passively go along, which can cause resentment and betrayal. One way is for each person to announce on a scale of one to ten how important her choice is to her.
65% after betrayal one spouse will want to snoop on the other or control him. There can be a strong case made that the control is not worthwhile and can backfire.
66% forgiveness is more of a decision to continue with the relationship then a feeling.
Besides eliminating bad things it is important to build on good things in the relationship.
During relationship rehab, expect good and bad days.
It's possible to not just forgive but forget. The author lists several ways to move on and forget.
74% describes a case of many small betrayals of irresponsibility.
77% that dynamic with an irresponsible couple is that the responsible person becomes so frustrated that she gets equally upset about any mistake, and the irresponsible person gets confused about this and upset about being control. It's important to maintain the feeling of autonomy.
82% the author continues the story of a couple in which the husband has more power over the wife. She learned to assert her power by becoming emotional, which caused a both of them to distress each other.
83% you cannot be happy in a relationship with a power person and they never change
85% differences in communication.
People can keep differences of opinion relationship and still have a good relationship. They just have to allow for it.
89% the author discusses the dynamic of one spouse feeling the other is hidden. The other spouse distrust him, and it creates a cycle.
92% The spouse who reveals something should be encouraged for sharing instead of being slammed for being hidden, so she continues to stay open.
The author discusses the consequences of past the trails on future relationships. And then you relationship, may put the other partner through challenges or keep her heart on ice to keep from feeling hurt.
Do not get close to someone until getting to know her friends and family.
You can't get to know someone unless you present your true self.