The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationships Right Now
By Tara Fields, PhD LMFT
Introduction
Fighting itself is not destructive
However, certain patterns of fighting can ruin a relationship
Fighting can be good
Fighting shows the partners care
Fighting can teach partners about themselves
The circle is a symbol of a couple coming together
There are five circles of love, which are five of the chapters in this book
Bad behaviors such as snarkiness do not come from contempt. They are unhealthy protections
Repeat fights about one thing can be a sign that the couple is not discussing the real issue
Take a vacation from the land of me (shouting, inflexibility, right-wrong mentality, etc.)
instead, pause, listen, take ownership, etc.
Are you in or out? It is work
It can work even if your partner is not in
1: How Did We Get Here
Fights about dishes or weekend plans hide the surface issues such as "do you love me" or "are we ever going to have sex again"
Six most common sources of conflict
A person's hot buttons were in place before the relationship
Difference expectations
Big emotions make people act stupidly. A habit of negative thinking is self perpetuating.
Life changes: money, health
Waiting for some milestone to work on the relationship
2: How Can We Change?
Learn what the conflict is really about
How to diffuse conflict
Reframe it as opportunity
Do not react emotionally. Notice bodily sensations such as heart rate. Question your intentions, such as winning.
Be mindful of the body
Cultivate gratitude
Three ingredients for lasting relationship
Intention (e.g., do you need to be right?)
Emotional courage
Hope: do not give up
Practice mindfulness. Set small, attainable goals such as "I want to stop snapping at my partner"
3: The Parent Trap - Equal Partnership
Parent Trap starts with good intentions
Is the imbalance of power about being helpful or about being in control?
Bad: one partner decides the other partner cannot manage a responsibility, so the partner takes over
The other partner may give up and play along
Can hurt sexual passion
Remember that an attractive quality in a person can have a negative side. For example, early in a relationship a partner is praised for being spontaneous, and later he is criticized for being flighty.
The Parent Trap is sometimes by fear. What is your fear?
Every day list five things you appreciate in your mate, and share gratitude with your partner.
Approach your partner with curiosity instead of judgment.
Share expectations.
Learn an activity that is new to both members of the couple to strengthen the relationship.
Quiz: are you in the parent trap?
4: Come Close, Go Away - Interdependent Relationship
Imagine a tug-of-war analogy. If both pull equally, the flag stays center. Then, imagine just dropping the rope as a symbol of leaving the ego.
There are four scenarios in the come-close, go-away pattern
One partner is afraid of being alone, and the other is afraid of being smothered.
Both are afraid of vulnerability
The partners disagree on what closeness is.
The partners disagree on sex.
Partners struggle between "me" and "we" both emotionally and as an identity issue
Consider whether you or your partner requires a transition ritual before "we" time
Consider which partner creates distance and which partner pursues
Sex and the "when, then" game
Marco the husband complained his wife Kara had time for kids and friends but not for him
He felt rejected and minimized
Marco wanted sex to feel closer and for the relationship to feel better, but Kara needed to feel closer to have sex---catch 22
They were both waiting for something else to happen to improve the relationship, but they were not making that thing happen
They both wanted a better, close relationship with their partner
The answer to the "when, then" game is "now!"
Give your partner what he or she is waiting
For women, foreplay begins a long time earlier with an emotional connection
Sexual issues are a symptom of a bad relationship, though they may seem like a cause
Quiz: Come Close, Go-Away
In a healthy relationship, each partner is responsible for his or her own emotional needs. The partner is not 100% responsible.
5: The Blame Game and the Shame Spiral - Ownership and Respect
Learn to not dump anger on partner
Anger often masks fear, pain, or terror of vulnerability
A relationship implies relationship with the partner's family
Carol was sad because her husband Bob did not say no to his family, so it seemed to her he was saying no to their relationship and to her
Listen intentionally with understanding
Anger is normal and can be productive, but overuse makes a person a "fire breather" who gets temporary sense of power and avoids dealing with other emotions.
In the anecdote, Andy realizes he turned into an angry man like his dad
Do not enable an angry partner
Exercise for anger as a fire-breather or eggshell walker
Gaslighting is the term for one partner deflecting suspicion by attacking the other partner's perception of reality
Gaslighting is more common than it may seem. For example, "I've had these shoes forever."
Healthy shame, one kind of guilt, is regret for a wrong behavior, and it is helpful to correct behavior
Couples can survive an affair with four, non-negotiable conditions: commitment to relationship, healthy shame, termination of the other relationship, and freedom to express anger
Toxic shame is a focus on the person ("who I am") instead of the behavior ("what I did")
How to Survive an Affair
6 Testing Testing 1 2 3 - Profound Trust
A partner who is insecure in the relationship may test it with the hope of a demonstration of commitment, but the test itself may cause the relationship to become less secure. In other words, a test can backfire.
Men and women have different expectations about commitments
A woman may feel more urgency for commitment because of her biological clock
Instead of testing, try explicitly asking
When a woman leaves, the man is surprised despite her comments, but not vice versa.
In modern times, it is easier for a woman to leave because of greater financial independence
3 minute fix: before you leave the relationship, spend one year working on your own happiness (in a healthy way)
7 Grow Apart - Grow Together
Personal growth can happen intentionally or because of external factors, such as a family death, but either way, it is inevitable
3-minute fix: Switch roles with your partner such as dishes, dinner, or getting kids ready for school. This could help improve your understanding.
3-minute fix: agree to try something at least once, and celebrate small changes.
After a job lose is a time to re-evaluate whether to continue doing the same role
The book recalls the story of a man named Alex who lost his job as a stockbroker and then hung around the house for six months. The solution was to create momentum by starting to do something, even if basic.
3-minute fix: Make a list of traditions that matter to you, and then make a commitment to them
Having children is event that spurs personal growth and change
When a man is not show how to act as a father, he may shut down rather than risk making a mistake
Unstated expectations builds resentment
Discuss expectations early and often
8 The Owner's Manual
Conflicts are often rooted is misunderstanding, so the solution is to increase understanding
This chapter's emphasis is on knowledge, and it has questions to increase that knowledge
Topics of the questions:
Easy stuff
Childhood
Showing love and affection
Values and "big" expectations
Regrets and difficult memories
Future together
Expressing gratitude
Sex
3 Things You Can Do Today for an Instant Shift in Your Relationship