The Love Fix

The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationships Right Now

By Tara Fields, PhD LMFT

Introduction

• Fighting itself is not destructive
• However, certain patterns of fighting can ruin a relationship
• Fighting can be good
• Fighting shows the partners care
• Fighting can teach partners about themselves
• The circle is a symbol of a couple coming together
• There are five circles of love, which are five of the chapters in this book
• Bad behaviors such as snarkiness do not come from contempt. They are unhealthy protections
• Repeat fights about one thing can be a sign that the couple is not discussing the real issue
• Take a vacation from the land of me (shouting, inflexibility, right-wrong mentality, etc.)
• instead, pause, listen, take ownership, etc.
• Are you in or out? It is work
• It can work even if your partner is not in

1: How Did We Get Here

• Fights about dishes or weekend plans hide the surface issues such as "do you love me" or "are we ever going to have sex again"
• Six most common sources of conflict
  • A person's hot buttons were in place before the relationship
  • Difference expectations
  • Big emotions make people act stupidly. A habit of negative thinking is self perpetuating.
  • Life changes: money, health
  • Waiting for some milestone to work on the relationship

2: How Can We Change?

• Learn what the conflict is really about
• How to diffuse conflict
  • Reframe it as opportunity
  • Do not react emotionally. Notice bodily sensations such as heart rate. Question your intentions, such as winning.
  • Be mindful of the body
  • Cultivate gratitude
• Three ingredients for lasting relationship
  • Intention (e.g., do you need to be right?)
  • Emotional courage
  • Hope: do not give up
• Practice mindfulness. Set small, attainable goals such as "I want to stop snapping at my partner"

3: The Parent Trap - Equal Partnership

• Parent Trap starts with good intentions
• Is the imbalance of power about being helpful or about being in control?
• Bad: one partner decides the other partner cannot manage a responsibility, so the partner takes over
• The other partner may give up and play along
• Can hurt sexual passion
• Remember that an attractive quality in a person can have a negative side. For example, early in a relationship a partner is praised for being spontaneous, and later he is criticized for being flighty.
• The Parent Trap is sometimes by fear. What is your fear?
• Every day list five things you appreciate in your mate, and share gratitude with your partner.
• Approach your partner with curiosity instead of judgment.
• Share expectations.
• Learn an activity that is new to both members of the couple to strengthen the relationship.
• Quiz: are you in the parent trap?

4: Come Close, Go Away - Interdependent Relationship

• Imagine a tug-of-war analogy. If both pull equally, the flag stays center. Then, imagine just dropping the rope as a symbol of leaving the ego.
• There are four scenarios in the come-close, go-away pattern
  • One partner is afraid of being alone, and the other is afraid of being smothered.
  • Both are afraid of vulnerability
  • The partners disagree on what closeness is.
  • The partners disagree on sex.
• Partners struggle between "me" and "we" both emotionally and as an identity issue
• Consider whether you or your partner requires a transition ritual before "we" time
• Consider which partner creates distance and which partner pursues
• Sex and the "when, then" game
  • Marco the husband complained his wife Kara had time for kids and friends but not for him
  • He felt rejected and minimized
  • Marco wanted sex to feel closer and for the relationship to feel better, but Kara needed to feel closer to have sex---catch 22
  • They were both waiting for something else to happen to improve the relationship, but they were not making that thing happen
  • They both wanted a better, close relationship with their partner
  • The answer to the "when, then" game is "now!"
  • Give your partner what he or she is waiting
• For women, foreplay begins a long time earlier with an emotional connection
• Sexual issues are a symptom of a bad relationship, though they may seem like a cause
• Quiz: Come Close, Go-Away
• In a healthy relationship, each partner is responsible for his or her own emotional needs. The partner is not 100% responsible.

5: The Blame Game and the Shame Spiral - Ownership and Respect

• Learn to not dump anger on partner
• Anger often masks fear, pain, or terror of vulnerability
• A relationship implies relationship with the partner's family
• Carol was sad because her husband Bob did not say no to his family, so it seemed to her he was saying no to their relationship and to her
• Listen intentionally with understanding
• Anger is normal and can be productive, but overuse makes a person a "fire breather" who gets temporary sense of power and avoids dealing with other emotions.
• In the anecdote, Andy realizes he turned into an angry man like his dad
• Do not enable an angry partner
• Exercise for anger as a fire-breather or eggshell walker
• Gaslighting is the term for one partner deflecting suspicion by attacking the other partner's perception of reality
• Gaslighting is more common than it may seem. For example, "I've had these shoes forever."
• Healthy shame, one kind of guilt, is regret for a wrong behavior, and it is helpful to correct behavior
• Couples can survive an affair with four, non-negotiable conditions: commitment to relationship, healthy shame, termination of the other relationship, and freedom to express anger
• Toxic shame is a focus on the person ("who I am") instead of the behavior ("what I did")

How to Survive an Affair

6 Testing Testing 1 2 3 - Profound Trust

• A partner who is insecure in the relationship may test it with the hope of a demonstration of commitment, but the test itself may cause the relationship to become less secure. In other words, a test can backfire.
• Men and women have different expectations about commitments
• A woman may feel more urgency for commitment because of her biological clock
• Instead of testing, try explicitly asking
• When a woman leaves, the man is surprised despite her comments, but not vice versa.
• In modern times, it is easier for a woman to leave because of greater financial independence
• 3 minute fix: before you leave the relationship, spend one year working on your own happiness (in a healthy way)

7 Grow Apart - Grow Together

• Personal growth can happen intentionally or because of external factors, such as a family death, but either way, it is inevitable
• 3-minute fix: Switch roles with your partner such as dishes, dinner, or getting kids ready for school. This could help improve your understanding.
• 3-minute fix: agree to try something at least once, and celebrate small changes.
• After a job lose is a time to re-evaluate whether to continue doing the same role
• The book recalls the story of a man named Alex who lost his job as a stockbroker and then hung around the house for six months. The solution was to create momentum by starting to do something, even if basic.
• 3-minute fix: Make a list of traditions that matter to you, and then make a commitment to them
• Having children is event that spurs personal growth and change
• When a man is not show how to act as a father, he may shut down rather than risk making a mistake
• Unstated expectations builds resentment
• Discuss expectations early and often

8 The Owner's Manual

• Conflicts are often rooted is misunderstanding, so the solution is to increase understanding
• This chapter's emphasis is on knowledge, and it has questions to increase that knowledge
• Topics of the questions:
  • Easy stuff
  • Childhood
  • Showing love and affection
  • Values and "big" expectations
  • Regrets and difficult memories
  • Future together
  • Expressing gratitude
  • Sex

3 Things You Can Do Today for an Instant Shift in Your Relationship

• Show gratitude
• Ask your partner about his or her day
• Find time for physical affection