After the Affair

After the Affair, Updated Second Edition

Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

by Janis A. Spring

Dedication

The intense and disturbing feels are normal and appropriate
Giving up hope is the greatest threat to recovery
The physiological includes a cocktail of hormones that can cause alertness, anxiety, and stress
Psychologically, an affair causes nine types of loss
- Identity
- Sense of specialness
- Self-respect to win your partner back)
- Self respect for failing to acknowledge you were wronged
- Control over thoughts and actions
- Fundamental sense of order and justice in the world
- Religious faith
- Connection with others
- Sense of purpose and the will to live
Men and women respond differently
- Women are more likely to try to preserve the relationship
- Women get depressed, while men get angry
- Women feel inadequate as companions, while men feel inadequate as lovers
- Men distract themselves, while women obsess

You probably feel better than the hurt partner
You may feel more powerful
Your feelings may include
- Relief
- Impatience
- Chronic anxiety
- Justified anger
- Absence of guilt
- Guilt over the children
- Isolation
- Hopelessness
- Paralysis
- Self-disgust
Typical differences between men and women
- Women seek soul mates, while men seek playmates
- Women believe an affair is justified when it is for live, men when it is not love
- Women feel anguish over the affair, while men enjoy it

Do not make a choice based on feelings
Feelings are too subjective
Make a deliberate choice
Unrequited love
- It is intense and unwarranted
- The love is not returned
- What is your partner's capacity for love?
- How well do you treat your partner? Do not expect to be loved if without giving love.
- People with personality disorders, such as narcissism, are unwilling or unable to take issues seriously and to change.
Romantic love
- Intense but unwarranted
- The chemistry can be misleading
- Changes include: emotional, cognitive, chemical
If you are not satisfied with your partner, you may have unrealistic expectations about love
Disenchantment
- The process to mature love includes a period of disappointment
- Mature love is not static
- Courtship is a time of deception
- People expect to be happier in a second marriage, but they are more likely to be divorced
- Do not confuse lack of getting what you need and the illusion of love

Confront your concerns by yourself, without your partner
Concern: after so much damage, can we get back together again?
Concern: Now that you have been unfaithful, can I trust you again?
- Underlying attitudes
- History of deception
- Ability to communicate openly
Concern: Can we change in ways that matter?
Concern: Are the changes permanent?
Concern: Do you want me or the package (e.g., money, kids, house)?
Concern: Are my reasons for staying good enough?
- I can't make it on my own
- Religion
  - Research: religion helps when it creates a desire to recommit rather than creating a constraint
- The process of divorce seems overwhelming
Concern: Children
Concern: The affair is a sign that the partner does not love the other, so what is the point?
Concern: Affection before recommitting
Concern: Spending time with lover to make a decision
Make rational choice, not an emotional choice
Once you decide, even if you do not feel certain about your future together, act like you do

The partners are likely to have a contradictory view of the conflict
Early life experiences [lots about this subject]
Flip flop
- Any quality you originally liked can later feel negative
- For example, a stable person can seem to have a lack of sense of adventure
- Exercise: write down the negative qualities, and write down a corresponding positive attribute
- For example: procrastinates / lives for the moment
Timeline
- At the time of the affair there may also have been
  - Illness
  - Accident
  - Death
  - Move
  - Change in status
  - Personal failure
  - Life transition
  - Substance abuse
Responsibility sharing: exercise