Kees (pronounced case) has asked me to write about him in order to put our relationship in a proper perspective so I've decided to give a whole chapter to the man in my life. He does have a messy background which helps to explain why things were so chaotic between us.
Kees's father and mother both came from believing backgrounds. Wim, his father and Truus, his mother met in a church setting. After an evening meeting, Truus's mother asked if someone could bring Truus home, a beautiful, godly seventeen year old lady. Wim who was in his early twenties gladly offered but this was a most unwise decision. Although he was a sincere and passionate believer, he was also an unstable character and had a problem with lust, so he of all people should not have been alone with her. The evening ended with her conceiving their first child and they were married soon after that. Though the children were brought up on the Word of God and went to church regularly, life in the Lugtenaar home was exceptionally chaotic due to Wim's abusive background and emotional instability. All together ten children were born and there was an age span of nineteen years between the eldest and Kees the youngest, who was born in 1962. Two died when they were just babies because Wim refused to allow a doctor to be called. Some of the other babies had problems feeding and thriving, probably due to the great stress in the home but they managed to survive and all eight are alive and well till today.
Kees remembers himself as a little boy hiding behind the couch while terrible shouting and raging arguments filled the house, (probably not much different to what I experienced with Kees). When Kees was four, Wim was sent to a psychiatric ward after a particularly hectic incident and claimed that that was the best year of his life. Up until that time, he had refused to receive child allowance even though their financial need was great, simply because he was not in favour of receiving free handouts from the government. Due to his unstable character which affected his work situation, Truus had had no choice but to earn a living cleaning in order to support herself and the children. After one year, Wim tried to leave the psychiatric ward and discovered that he was in fact free to go because unknown to him his stay there had been voluntary but he was not allowed back home due to a restraining order. Finally, Truus could receive child allowance which was a great relief but she still needed to continue working. Kees remembers her as a godly and loving mother, indeed the only one by whom he felt truly loved, yet she was not able to spend much time with the children due to her work. At a certain stage, she became sick and saw various quacks over a period of years. This was still a relatively primative time in the medical field in Holland and the doctors wouldn't tell her that she had cancer of the ovaries, nor did they believe in administering painkillers so she spent her last days screaming in agony. Kees clearly remembers the doctor running away from her screams, refusing to give her anything to dull the pain! After a particularly hard life, at the age of forty-six, Truus sadly went home to be with the Lord.
Kees was just nine years old when his mother died. He could not face seeing his mother looking so ghastly in her last days as she lay dying, so even though her bed had been moved to the living room he avoided her. When his mother finally died, everyone around Kees commented on how well he was handling the situation and how grown up he was. What they didn't understand was that he was not grieving as he should have been and they were encouraging him further to keep his emotions bottled up. Till today he struggles with this, feeling immense sadness and pain yet feeling emotionally blocked, never having been able to mourn over his mother's death, nor cry about anything else since that time.
After Truus died, Wim came back to live at home. The headmaster of the school made himself legal guardian of the family, not intending to become a part of their lives but simply wanting to ensure that the family would not be separated by adoption or foster homes. Though life at home was not stable, Kees is immensely grateful to him that the family was able to stay together. Wim, who was a full-blown alcoholic, would frequently make sure that Kees was in bed early so that he could go off to the pub. Those evenings alone terrified Kees and he would come downstairs, draw the curtains, switch on the T.V. and sit on the couch, tightly clutching a sharp knife to protect himself from invaders. Even greater terror gripped Kees if his father had not come home when the programmes had ended and snow came on the screen. Eventually Wim would turn up and Kees would quickly run off to bed as his father came stumbling in drunk. There were also times that Kees had to help him get undressed and put him to bed..... Kees also has memories of sensing evil spirits, especially from his father, although there were no known occult practices in the family.
The family was not guided in good behaviour and respectful relationships. Because of this, Kees was actually trained to be disrespectful, disorderly and at times mean. This, together with a growing anger made a fierce combination in his character which let loose in close relationships and it was no wonder that during our troubled years of marriage, I felt as though I was living on the edge of a ripping tornado. Out of all of the children, Kees more than anyone resembles his father, in his faith as well as his character, although fortunately with God's help, Kees is gradually overcoming many weaknesses and becoming victorious. Wim was not an intentionally bad man but in many areas just unable to become victorious. He was an unstable father, legalistic and a bit of a tyrant. He was highly critical and recalcitrant and at times ruled by his emotions. But although he was such an imperfect person he had a great passion for the Lord, seeking a walk in uncompromised truth for himself, as well as others and he walked his life out with God till the day he died. He thought nothing of walking out in the middle of a church service if he did not agree with the sermon, making it plain for all to see that he was disgusted with the preaching and leaving the rest of the family stranded and humiliated in their seats. But Kees also remembers well the deep conversations at home between his father and other strong believers which left a great impression on his young mind and gave him a firm foundation when he later in life turned to the Lord.
Wim was strongly pro-Israel and after a few years of living at home he went to Israel and found a Dutch, Jewish widow who became a believer. They later married and remained in Israel, he for most of his life and she is still there today. Kees continued to live in the same childhood home in Holland with his brother and sister who were a few years older than him until his father decided to bring him to Israel to stay on the kibbutz where he was living. The eldest son was, and still is living there today and another sister and future husband were also there at the time. For some unknown reason, there was not much contact between kees and his family on the kibbutz which left him feeling lonely and sad. Though he was going to school with other children his age he never felt that he fitted in anywhere and he ended up spending a lot of time with the volunteers. Being much older than him, they encouraged him to drink and at the tender age of fourteen, Kees became an alcoholic. A kibbutz can be a wonderful place to live and it was certainly a wonderful plan of God to raise them up when the country was born but unfortunately, today some of the kibbutzim are havens of unrighteousness where there is total freedom to party and do your own thing and Kees found himself drawn into a world of heavy music and booze which became a way of life for him.
There was however a small ray of light in the darkness. As is often the case, young newcomers are often given adoptive parents on a kibbutz. This is not something formal or legal but rather just a friendly support system so that newcomers have older people on the kibbutz where they can go to, as though it were their own home. Kees was well received by his adoptive family, which was a wonderful provision from God and he is still in contact with them till today. As long as they are alive, Kees is grateful to always have a second home in Israel where he can visit and stay and after living on the Kibbutz for several years, he feels very much at home there, is known by many and is well accepted today.
After one long, sad year in Israel, Kees could not take anymore and asked his father if he could go back home to Holland. Wim and his wife refused and would not hear anything more about it. Kees was devasted and in desperation prayed to God to allow him to go back home. Our merciful God answered him and within two weeks, without any further conversation, Wim handed Kees a plane ticket and a case of new clothes. Kees was now able to go back home and live with his older brother and sister in his childhood home. His last school years were regretfully unguided and though he is exceptionally bright, he did not finish school with a high level of education but rather one which was way below his ability. He became a typical class clown, perhaps to drown out his sorrows. (To this day Kees seems to me to be a good mixture of a comical Robin Williams type of character mingled with the passion and seriousness of the apostle Paul--the character he most admires and identifies with in the bible). Kees spent his last school years in an agricultural school and spent most afternoons working on a farm. But other than that, he continued his party lifestyle and being without parents, he never knew what it was to have any kind of restrictions or discipline. He simply behaved and did as he pleased for all of his teenage years. At the age of nineteen, he felt that he needed to get out of Holland as it felt like a dead-end life for him and he went back to the kibbutz where he worked at the dairy farm which was second nature to him. This time he was happy to be back in the country. He fell in love with Israel and it became his new home but he also went straight back to the same party lifestyle. He 'inherited' his father's lust for sex which became a replacement to him for the true love and warmth which had always escaped him and he recalls praying to 'any god that would answer him' to help him get someone and unfortunately there was a god who was only too happy to answer so he never had a lack in that area. This time around Kees was enjoying himself on the kibbutz. He became D.J of the kibbutz disco and especially looked forward to the Friday nights of party, sex, drugs and rock 'n roll.
But life has a way of catching up with us. At the age of twenty-four, after five years of living it up, Kees was not feeling well anymore. Due to stress, he had constant pain down the whole left-hand side of his body. He had been drunk regularly over the years, sometimes heavily so. Family relationships turned sour. His father chucked him out of his home, and the kibbutz (not his adoptive parents) was not happy to have him anymore. Kees had finally come to the end of the road with nowhere left to turn. He was certain that if he were to continue on with the same lifestyle that he would not live beyond the age of 35 years and he knew that he would pass by the judgement seat on the wrong side. Every night for about a month, he could barely sleep because he was so heavily convicted by the Holy Spirit. He knew that he had to break off his long term, unstable relationship with his girlfriend because she was not willing to join him on the path leading to God. There was only one place that Kees could think of where he could go. Some months previously, he had met the pastor of the congregation where I was going who had given him his address and told Kees to contact him if there was ever a need, so Kees headed off to find him. He was well received and confessed all that he was going through and together they knelt on the living room floor and prayed for the forgiveness and mercy of God. The result was that an enormous, heavy weight was lifted off from Kees's shoulders and in its place a joy came flooding inside him, something he had previously never known. This joy accompanied him for nine long months and was so intense during all that time that he often felt that one more drop and he would just burst! It was during this time that I met Kees for the first time when he was working as a shepherd. A few years later, either just before or during our engagement, he clearly heard God say to him that He would discipline him. Kees laughed, probably not unlike Sarah when the Lord announced that she would bear a child in her old age, as it was inconceivable to him how God could accomplish such a thing in him who was by now quite wild and untrainable. But no thing is too great for our mighty God and Creator and this work of discipline is continuing on till today.
Perhaps it was sometime towards the end of those nine joyful months that Kees began to feel great anger towards his father for all kinds of things from the past. He confronted his father but Wim was not willing to talk about it. This left Kees even more angry and he recalls a day of screaming and cursing at God while tending to the sheep in the stable because he felt that God was ultimately responsible for all of the trauma that he had been through in his life. He expected to be struck by a meteorite but our merciful God can handle a bit of anger. Many years later, Wim got Alzheimer's disease and during one of his lucid times he told Kees that he had had a week of visions, that God was taking him through his life and leading him to repent for all his sins. Kees and his father were able to spend time alone together to talk about all that had happened in their lives and Wim asked forgiveness from Kees. This was a touching and meaningful time for Kees which he has never forgotten. I'm not aware that it brought about any positive changes regarding his anger but it did help him to come to terms with the traumatic things that he experienced in his life. Soon after that, Wim started getting worse and was often not able to think clearly or function properly and eventually it became too much for his wife to be able to take care of him. Unable to find a suitable home for him in Israel, Kees's eldest brother took him back to Holland where he was put in a home and he died about two years later.
For the last several years Kees has worked as a truck driver, although right now he has a tough and unusual job of laying soil for mushroom growers. He regrets having wasted his school years because he would have loved to have gone to university or studied further and he would have greatly appreciated having a good profession but the Lord continues to guide him and bless him and lead him in his work situation. His truck drivers licence was given to him for free from an employment agency which was a wonderful provision from God as we would never have been able to afford it and he can now earn better money.
But more important than work, Kees continues to go on with the Lord. In many ways he feels weak, having inherited his fathers instability and tendency towards addictions but he has never stopped walking with God and is continuing to grow in godly character. He used to suffer from depression and an inferiority complex but the Lord is now his strength. Soon after I first met him, he went to live with one of the elders in our congregation and with his help and the signing of a contract Kees was able to give up smoking and God is continuing to set him free from other addictions. No more do I feel as though I am living on the edge of a tornado as he continues to grow in humility and love. Although we had an exceptionally hectic beginning with no hope in sight for many years, we now get on well and seldom argue, and if so, then the matter is usually resolved fairly quickly due to God's good work in both of our lives. This is truly miraculous! People from our past may have thought that our relationship was doomed for failure because we got married at a stage when most people are going through a divorce but our God specializes in impossibilites and when he ordains a work He brings it to completion. God is changing us both and where some people may get divorced after starting off blissfully happy we are grateful that it is the other way around with us. But it is only through patient endurance, perserverance and cleaving to God that we have been able to make progress and so it is with any kind of difficulty. God wants us to learn to depend on Him and if we turn to Him in times of need, He will deliver us in which ever way He sees fit, in His good time.
Regarding his faith, Kees is always searching for more truth on how to live life according to God's will and he continues to contribute to the body of Christ. He now writes the weekly childrens bible stories for our congregation, gives sermons once a month and God continues to inspire him in all sorts of ways. This, of course, is all God's doing and no-one can take credit for any of these wonderful things. May our blessed Lord receive all of the glory!
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A kibbutz is an Israeli commune born out of a necessity to survive. Israel became a nation in 1948 which was predicted in the bible as being a very sudden event due to the desperate situation of the Jews:
In the early 1900's, the country was basically dry land which was infested with mosquitoes from the many swamps and due to people coming down with malaria it was important to dry out the swamps and make the land fertile to start growing crops for food. Because of continued battles and wars it was also important to defend the country so the kibbutz came into being where people could live and work together. In this way, many people could go out to farm the land, women as well as men, while just a few people could take care of all of the children and do other household chores. A few people made large amounts of food for those working in the fields so each kibbutz till today has a communal dining room and kitchen and the same applies to the laundry. The children would sleep together in communal rooms according to their ages. The idea was that each kibbutz would be as self-sufficient as possible. No-one thought about payment and each mans pay was equal no matter what he had done. In the beginning, most probably the only payment for most kibbutnikim (members of a kibbutz) was the food that they could eat. This structure was also important for times of war so that as much as possible the wheels on the home front could still continue turning by just a few so that the majority could go out and fight. These people were the pioneers who worked in severe conditions but they were united in the same vision--to build up the country and overcome every obstacle in order to survive. For the Jews who have been hounded down through the centuries, this was a matter of life and death. This vision is what brought them to the country and they would live and die for this vision, a secure homeland for every Jewish person on the face of the earth where they could live in peace without persecution. The kibbutz was a necessity for survival, as well as building up the country and it was successful in that it functioned well, turned out children who were hardworking and has brought forth some of the finest soldiers.
Today many kibbutzim (the Hebrew plural) are flourishing while others remain poor. Aside from agriculture, many have prospering industries, and nicer homes can now be built on many of the kibbutzim. Although there is usually still a communal dining room, people may choose to cook and eat at home and some kibbutzim have the children living and sleeping at home with their parents. Only the volunteers and ulpanistim will send their clothes to the communal laundry room. If I remember correctly, each person puts their washing in a big net which all goes into a machine and then a dryer so there is little sorting out to do.
A volunteer is someone, usually not a Jew from another country who goes to spend time on a kibbutz to work in order to experience the life there or to contribute in some way. Their basic needs will be taken care of and they will receive pocket money. They will be told what work to do but can ask to do something else and may find themselves experiencing a variety of different jobs. An ulpanist is a Jew who has come to the kibbutz to learn the language as well as work. Half their time will be spent having Hebrew lessons and the other half working and they will also get pocket money. My experience was that only Jews had the option of being an ulpanist and the volunteers were almost always not Jewish as they did not have the option of being an ulpanist where they could have Hebrew lessons. Rules are changing and may vary between different kibbutzim so whether this is the still the same today, I would think so, but I don't know that for a fact.
For more info:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kibbutz
http://kibbutz.excudo.net/what_is_a_kibbutz.php
I wrote about how Kees had a time of being angry towards God and was screaming and cursing at God. This is actually not uncommon and not necessarily a bad thing. I know that some people will think that that is a terrible thing to do and now it's even terrible for me to suggest that it is okay. But let me explain: Many people come to the Lord after having gone through terribly traumatic circumstances and at some stage they may have a terrible, fuming anger towards God for having allowed them to go through something so absolutely awful and not protecting them from those circumstances. What should they do? Should they keep their boiling anger bottled up until it burns them up? If that were the case then they would become very bitter and they would walk through their lives handicapped, smouldering in feelings that they cannot express. But God is able to handle our anger. I'm not suggesting that people have a right to be disrespectful towards God but when there is genuine anger and rage it needs to be expressed and it's good to go the one who is our Maker, to express our anger that is rightfully towards Him if we are angry with Him. After all we are in a relationship with God.
What is anger? Anger is actually a cover up for pain and these people who are angry with God have suffered immensely and are in deep pain. It is like an infection or a boil. Should we cover up an infection or boil with a plaster? No, first it needs to be cleaned out and treated appropriately. Every day we need to make a way for the pus to come out. We can wait for it to naturally come to the surface but we can help it too by applying warm/hot compresses and pushing the pus to the surface where it can be cleaned away. After being cleaned, healing ointment can be put on and a plaster put over it for protection and in that way it will get better. This is the same remedy for people who have gone through trauma. They need to have an outlet to get rid of the poison that is in their heart. Yes, they need to get angry at God and express themselves to get out their feelings. I'm not a counsellor but I imagine that someone who is being counselled will most likely be guided into expressing their anger to God and then pray for God's cleansing, healing balm and forgiveness and they may have to do this several times as it is a gradual healing process.