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(anonymous)
It was summer 2008. Daily I would walk along the dyke praising God for the beauty around me, thanking Him that even though my health was not good I could still function well, my legs worked well and I could walk nicely and easily. What a wonderful gift! Then one day, I went shopping with Kees and had my eye out for a nice treat, my usual habit. I found a packet of sweets that was made with real fruit flavours and seemingly natural ingredients though of course it had some sugar in it but I thought I could get away with that. But I was deceived and very wrong! I had a few after lunch, three days in a row and the following days I felt my left hip not working as well and gradually deteriorating. After three days I knew that I had to stop with the sweets and I did. Then I started daily preparing fruit salad for my family and had my fill of that too but to my surprise this was also clearly affecting my hip so I had to put a stop to that too. By now I was walking badly and had to stop going for my daily walks. I was sure that it was arthritis so I took medication, cut out fruit and any foods with sugar in it and ate strictly but strangely there was no improvement. Because my hip was so weak, I started having minor accidents and continued to deteriorate. Gradually over a two month period my hip got so bad that I was almost unable to walk at all. I had to use a stick to hobble around the house and eventually the only way I could get around was by pushing a chair while leaning on it for support. By now it was almost impossible to go out and I made an appointment to see a rheumatologist. It was a continual struggle for my hip to bear my weight while going up the stairs and once I collapsed at the top of the stairs in the middle of the night. It took me about ten minutes to crawl to bed while crying out in pain and Kees could only look on helplessly, not knowing how to help me. Two days later, I had my last accident: I sat on a fold up chair which collapsed. I battled to get up but couldn't take another step. Fortunately Aviv was home and I could call out to him to bring me another chair, a phone and anti-inflammatories and I started phoning for help. Later Kees arrived and I so much appreciate his love, care and patience in my time of need as it took him at least 3/4 hour to get me down the stairs. Then I sat on the bottom step waiting for him to bring home some crutches but I was unable to use them for fear of losing my balance. We were advised by a first-aid help-line not to go to hospital and seeing that my appointment with the rheumatologist was to take place at the hospital the next morning we decided to wait for that and I slept downstairs that night. The next day, Priscilla, a qualified nurse and member of our church came to take me for my appointment as we had previously arranged. I had been unable to get hold of her after the accident but I spoke to her in the morning and she told me that I should already have been in hospital and that she may have to call an ambulance. Instead, she brought Willem her husband, who managed to pick me up without hurting me to bring me to the car. The day proceeded in the hospital with various examinations while I screamed from extreme pain as I was moved from various tables and beds and wheeled around here and there, every movement and slight bump being torturous. Though I was given morphine which made me drowsy it didn't help against the pain. There was no sign of arthritis in the blood tests and nothing broken to be seen in the X-rays but I was obviously in no state to go home so a hospital stay began which lasted almost four weeks. Three days after my arrival, I had a bone scan and was told that the rheumatologist would come and discuss the results with me at about 5pm or 6 pm that day. He appeared at 4pm, drew the curtains and said:
"We saw black specks on the bone scan."
"Black specks??"
"Yes, black specks."
"Oh, and what does that mean?"
"Seedlings" (Secondary growth of cancer cells.)
I looked down feeling embarrassed, not knowing how to respond. Though not officially diagnosed, I had known for several years already that I had cancer and although it didn't occur to either Kees or myself that cancer was the problem with my hip, we had already discussed the fact that cancer could be discovered from one of the various hospital examinations. But what could I do?? So now the medical profession had discovered my secret. How could I explain myself to the doctor?
"You must have known? You have a lump in your breast, don't you?" (Cancer in the bones is commonly the result of breast cancer though I was unaware of that at the time.)
"Yes, yes, I knew."
I began to stutter, searching for the right words and then it came pouring out fluently.
"I chose not to go to a doctor. I know too many people who have died, not from cancer, but from the treatment of cancer. Aside from people that I know of, I watched my own father deteriorate before my eyes, not from cancer but from the treatment of cancer. Two or three weeks after beginning treatment he had aged about twenty years and he was gone within six months. Before beginning treatment he appeared to be fit, well and happy and it was quite obvious that it was the treatment that caused him to go downhill rapidly. I made a decision many years ago when I was still relatively healthy, that if I were ever to get cancer I would prefer to treat myself through alternative ways and diet and if I must die then I would prefer to die from cancer rather than the treatment of cancer."
"So you have cancer in your family then?"
"Yes, just about everyone on my father's side of the family."
"Well, it's unfortunate that you've got it in the genes. What about your husband? He must have known that you had a lump in your breast. What did he think about all this?"
"My husband has always agreed with me on my thoughts regarding medical care and the treatment of cancer so he has always supported me in my decision not to see a doctor but to rather treat myself however else I can, through diet and alternative means."
The conversation came to an end. The doctor opened the curtains and walked away and I was left with my own thoughts. I was grateful that his attitude towards me was not condemning or judgemental. He had just asked questions and listened to my answers and there was nothing to indicate that he looked down upon me in any way. I also felt satisfied that although I had struggled at first to find the right words, I had managed to explain myself in a nutshell. And to a great extent I was also relieved. I had known for at least three years that I had cancer and although I hadn't suffered badly with it, there was the odd moment when I had found it nerve-wracking to walk this path alone without medical and social support, just me and God. Yes, Kees knew, as well as a few others from the candida forum but I seldom discussed it, not wanting to worry Kees or be overbearing on the forum and to stay true to my convictions I felt that I could not go to a conventional doctor and we couldn't afford an alternative route. Aside from Kees, no-one from Holland knew except our elder's wife whom I told a few months before this official diagnosis but after that first conversation with her I seldom found her alone and had never had the freedom to discuss it with her further. Throughout all those years, it had mainly been just God and myself and although I received His peace when I was burdened, it certainly felt uncomfortable and strange to walk this path in a way that has perhaps never been walked before by any other human being in the Western World--alone just with God. Now finally, I wasn't alone anymore and I felt a degree of security that I would somehow be taken care of and now that it was officially diagnosed, Kees and I felt that it was fitting to come out with it in the open. This was a great relief for Kees who previously had not had the freedom without an official diagnosis to tell friends who asked after me. I had always known that eventually I would somehow be struck down and that the medical profession would be needed in my life, at the very least for pain relief, but I never knew how or when that would come about. Now I wondered what the next step would be. It was quite a surprise for me though to realise that the cancer was in my bones. Now I understood why there was no arthritis to be found in the blood tests and I also understood why the medication for arthritis hadn't been working. I also understood why my hip had deteriorated from the sweets and the fruit salads--cancer feeds on sugar, even natural sugars from fruit!
A few days later I was moved out of the orthopedic ward to an internal ward and the tests continued. Meanwhile I had been given a walker, a frame on wheels, and it was wonderful to be able to get around just a bit. I was weighed. 40.6kg. (89.51 pounds)
"You must mean 46kg?!" (101.41 pounds)
"Nope, 40kg, and 6 ounces"
I was shocked! I had not wanted to lose any weight. How did that happen?! I enjoyed the food in the hospital. We could choose what to eat from a menu and because of my low weight I was allowed two warm meals a day instead of one and I was also able to order cooked meals of unprocessed food and so stick to my strict diet. Still, I continued to lose weight. By the time I left hospital, almost four weeks later I was down to 38.9 kg (85.76 pounds) and months later I lost more weight when I struggled to eat due to radiation treatment. It became apparent to me at first, that to some extent the weight loss was due to my muscle wasting away as I had not been able to use my legs for at least two months. My normally thin legs had become like wasted sticks with loose skin and big bony knees. It was difficult trying to turn around in bed and I could only sleep in two positions. When I slept on my one side I had to put a cushion in between my knees so that the bones wouldn't cut into each other and cause me terrible pain. I was given sleeping tablets to ensure that I slept well and also strong anti-inflammatories against the pain. Two weeks later I had a CT scan and it was discovered that my pelvis was in fact fractured. Seeing that it was a clear break it was decided not to operate but to let it heal naturally. I asked for a picture of the bone scan so that I could see where the cancer was. Looking at it, we could see that the cancer was fairly well spread out in the bones in my body, my trunk the most affected and limbs the least affected and my one hip was quite bad. I had it in every single vertebra though I had never felt any pain there. I had an ultra sound on my liver, pancreas, spleen, kidneys and gall bladder and those organs were in the clear.
Those weeks away from home were amazing. The doctors, nurses and everyone working in the hospital were like angels. It was obvious that these people worked well as team, loved helping one another, as well as compassionately caring for the patients and there was plenty of humour and good spirit among them. I thought back to the time in Israel when going to hospital to give birth. I had not received much compassion and loving care from doctors and nurses and had had almost no visitors, so this was quite overwhelming. I also thought back to the time in Israel when going through severe marital problems. It was impossible to share those problems with anyone because they were so personal and I walked a frightening and lonely path. I had been envious of people who suffer some kind of tragedy who could publicly ask for prayer and the whole world would be praying for them and supporting them. But the last years during marital difficulties it didn't matter to me anymore that I was walking a lonely path because my faith and trust in God had progressed as He had drawn me into a more intimate relationship with Himself. And now, all of a sudden, He had hurled me into the limelight. One window sill in my room was overflowing with cards and the other with flowers and I never lacked visitors during the visiting hours. I was also being carried in prayer throughout the world by dear brothers and sisters. I had a phone by my bed and could make phone calls for free anywhere in Holland and I was continually being surprised by overseas phone calls at all hours of the day, often by people that I had not been in contact with for years. My beloved sister in the Lord, Hadas, now living in New Zealand would call me every two or three days and at times would wistfully remark what a shame it was that it took sickness to renew and value our contact. So true, and I cherished this renewed relationship. The Lord was drenching me with abundant love and attention, all so unexpected, and to this day it still brings tears to my eyes. Though sick and frail, I have been greatly blessed.
For Kees the situation was, and still is, quite different. Athough he had known for years that I had cancer, this formal diagnosis hit him like a ton of bricks. It seemed that suddenly he was about to lose me and his world turned upside down. I was later told that it is common in these situations, that the spouse will often find the situation much harder to deal with than the sick person and now when people want to pray for me I always stress that Kees and my boys need prayer support far more than I do. But Kees managed it well with our boys, discussing the situation and praying together with them, keeping the atmosphere calm and cosy and guiding the children to take over household duties. He sent a letter about our situation to each congregational member, Matanya's mentor and best friend's mother, as well as his brothers and sisters in Holland and he sent e-mails to friends and family overseas. He is also fortunate to have a sympathetic boss who allows him time off from work according to the need. Nevertheless, the pressure on him has been great. Though I am filled with joy and spiritually thriving, it has been devastating for him to see me struck down and at times in pain and then to know that one day I won't be around anymore.
Towards the end of my hospital stay, it became clear that I didn't belong in hospital any longer. The other people in my ward were far sicker than I was as their internal organs were affected whereas my internal organs are free of cancer. I could (and still can) eat heartily while they were continually bringing up. I got the impression that many of them wouldn't last long. After being in hospital for almost four weeks, the tests had been completed, the results had come in and the doctors said that it was suitable for me to go ahead with a hormone treatment which involves taking a pill every day and having an injection once every four weeks. I was not totally at ease about this treatment but I felt that I ought to go along with it. Because the cancer was already in my bones it could not cure me but it would put the brakes on cancer wherever it may be in my body. Now there was no further need for me to remain in hospital. Though I had been blessed by my hospital stay, I was glad to be able to go home and get settled in again and try to lead a more normal life.
Of course, life would not be quite as normal as it had been in the past. I had to use a walker to get around the house. On the one hand it was cumbersome (though far better than the chair I had previously been using!) but on the other hand I was so grateful to have it because I would otherwise have been bedridden. Fortunately it was heavy which made it stable yet the wheels moved around with great ease and it was very dependable and would not allow me to topple over when leaning on it for support. It also had a big basket at the bottom so I could carry things around with me, as well as a little table on top which I was continually using to bring things around with me. It gave me some independence and although at times I needed help with odds and ends, I was grateful that if I was not in too much pain, I could still serve my family by preparing meals and bringing things to the table. But I was unable to go upstairs. Finally, after waiting for four and a half months, we got a stairlift installed, paid for by the municipality, and I could gratefully go up to have a shower! What a wonderful gift! Kees sometimes remarked about how good God was in leading us to Holland as this is a country that knows how to take care of the sick. Clearly this was true as our needs were well taken care of. I was assigned an oncological nurse who visited me about a week after I got home but I had no need to be taken care of at this stage but I was grateful for the contact and the provision for any future need. My G.P. had been notified and came for a surprise visit and told me to let them know if I needed stronger pain medication and she would come to me every four weeks to give me a hormone injection. For any future blood tests they would send someone around to me rather than have me go out. We could also apply for help in the home had we wanted that but we have chosen instead to train our boys with housework.
I was aware of having lost a great deal of strength in my arms as well as my legs, though I later regained some of my strength but for many weeks I found it a struggle to push the covers back when getting out of bed. I simply didn't have the strength! I also became more and more aware of aches and pains that previously I had not experienced, the severity determined by how good my diet was. If I went off my diet in the slightest then pain would come, often in the ribs, sometimes going down to my pelvis, as well as my bad hip and all the way down my legs. But although I knew when I had eaten something bad, I could never predict where the pain would hit me, how much of my body would be affected and how intense it would be. My arms, both hands and right leg and feet were relatively untouched which was a blessing as I could use the walker and not have a problem putting all of my weight on my right leg and I could use my arms and hands for all of my normal daily activities such as cooking, playing guitar and typing at the computer. How blessed I was that in many ways I could still continue on as normal! I needed no help in showering and going to the toilet and Kees put handles in the wall to help me. What was frustrating was that being clumsy I am always dropping things and there have been days when the pain is bad enough that I can't bend down to the floor to pick things up and I have to ask family members to pick up after me. As much as I hate to take medication I have no choice but to do so regularly as the pain is at times too draining. But I am exceptionally blessed with a continual supply of effective medication without side effects and usually it is just a matter of waiting for it to take effect. I take something called Diclofinac, twice daily, specifically for inflammation which is also used for people suffering from arthritis and something called Oxynorm which is morphine which I take as needed. At one stage the oncologist gave me something else to go along with these meds, another kind of morphine called Oxycontin which is slow release so that I would have a permanent supply in my bloodstream. I stopped that after three days as it didn't help much with the pain and the side effects were worse than the cancer. I am convinced that it was poisoning me and I wondered how many other people suffer with medication which is poisoning them. I later had the same experience with another med which I stopped when the penny dropped thirty-six hours later. I recalled the people in my hospital room who were either barely awake or otherwise continually bringing up which were some of the effects that I suffered from these medicines. All I know is that while I took them, my life was over and I was feeling a lot closer to death and I thank God that He gave me the wisdom to stop! Later I was given morphine patches but have mixed results depending on what I eat so even though my first experience was very good I don't regularly take it unless my diet is very good.
After coming home from hospital I continued to get worse. The hormone treatment only began working after about three months and during that time the cancer spread greatly in my bones. I suffered a fair amount of pain and could literally feel the cancer spreading but that didn't get me down as I know that God has brought me this trial to raise me up to be an overcomer. Pain is my teacher as it motivates me to towards my goal of eating a pure diet as a sacrifice for God so I continue to learn through pain to say no to the wrong foods and drink as well as snacking in between meals as that also upsets my system. Though I suffer physically, I feel incredibly blessed that the Lord is using this trial for great good in my life, to raise me up to be an overcomer. I'm grateful too that I have good medication with no debilitating side effects. I also rest in the fact that God will take me to Himself at the best possible time, for myself as well as my family. His will, His mercy and His love are far more real to me than the results of any medical examination or how I feel physically.
Six months after coming home, I had a series of radiation treatments on both hips and pelvis. The treatment itself was not a big deal but the after effects were horrendous and it took me two weeks to recover from severe diarrhea, nausea and horrific tummy ache after eating. Radiation cannot kill cancer but it makes the cancer cells smaller, bringing pain relief and strengthening the bones which would therefore help my fractured pelvis to heal. The treatment was successful as it is now much easier for me to turn around in bed and find other sleeping positions and I can also walk far better than before although not without the walker. As the doctor had warned me, the cancer in my bad hip has caused my leg to become shorter, about an inch, so even though at times I feel that I can bear the weight, it feels too strange to walk unaided. But I am thankful that I had the treatment as it has made a great difference in my ability to get around and I am now able to go regularly to congregational meetings and also weekly to the supermarket whereas before I was not strong enough and had to stay home for about six months. But I do regret that although well informed about the procedure which doesn't take more than a few seconds, I was not given sufficient warning and explanation about the severity of the side-effects. I was only told that I would have nausea and diarrhea for a few days during the treatments. In fact, the worst came towards the end of the radiation and from what I read on the internet, this is usual and in some cases can continue on for months with the rare person not recovering at all. I would have valued this information, as well as a name--radiation enteritis, meaning that the small intestine has been damaged from radiation (if that area has been radiated). I was also not told to expect tummy ache after eating which in my case was severe and for some strange reason, though we are protected from dental X-rays with a lead vest, no such thing is done during these treatments. Unbelievable is it not, seeing that radiation enteritis could most likely be easily prevented and there would probably be no need to hand out drugs to prevent nausea?! The drugs themselves never helped me but instead gave me a bad reaction. Armed with more info, I would have been better able to prepare mentally, as well as foodwise and perhaps I wouldn't have lost another 3 kg--(6.61 pounds) so that I ended up weighing 36kg (79.37 pounds). I think that when considering these kinds of medical treatments we need to be aware that even though they may be effective, they nevertheless cause damage and although I knew not to trust conventional medicine, I still felt angry that I had been deceived and had not been told the whole truth. In addition to that, radiation does not deal with the root cause of cancer and my suspicions proved true, that although I would get great relief from pain in the areas that were radiated, the cancer would travel to other areas of my body so I now suffer greater pain in my ribs and back etc. I do not regret having had the treatment but because radiation is damaging and because I cannot trust the medical profession to properly inform me of the whole truth, I have decided to refuse any future possible recommendations for more treatments.
As for chemotherapy, it may help some people but it also kills others (yet the doctors make sure not to tell us about that). It is against my conscience to pour poisons down my body which, when the process is finished, the nurses, specially donned in protective gowns and gloves, have to throw away the bags in special chemical rubbish containers because it is so highly toxic. I wouldn't want to feed that to a healthy person and most definitely not to a sick person. I chose not to take any chances and go the same way as my father and many other people who I know of. I was only offered chemo, when the hormone treatment stopped working, close to the time of being on my deathbed. Even though the chemo offered to me would be a lighter kind to be taken in tablet form, I was tempted yet not willing to go along with it, but I did change over to a different hormone treatment.
I may give the impression that I did little to treat myself during my time of sickness, but that is not true. I simply chose to treat myself differently and I am convinced that I extended my life by several years. But I do thank God that I never lay around sick and vomiting, (although I did think that I may be dying while going through the horrendous side effects of radiation). Never Again! Though I will obviously get weaker, I am confident and thankful that I will remain fully functional till my end comes and I am satisfied with the path that I have chosen. But I'd also like to stress that these are my own views and I do not judge anyone who has chosen a different path. Ultimately, each person must walk according to his conscience and the leading of God's Spirit and I know that God does lead some of His children down the path of conventional medicine and they do end up getting healed. God leads each of His children differently.
People sometimes remark about how strong, positive or cheerful I am as though I shouldn't be because of my circumstances. I suppose I am because I still feel that I am the same person and cancer has not changed that for me. On the other hand, I know from experience that if I was not abiding in God that I would be very depressed, perhaps even suicidal so my cheerfulness is not my own but rather the privilige I enjoy of being a bondslave to my Lord who has trained me to come and spend time with Him daily and He fills me constantly with His love, joy and peace. I also do not have a problem accepting my own death. God knows best and I have no reason to fight Him on this. He knows not only what is best for me but what is best for my whole family. Yes, I'm dying a slow and painful death but then so does everyone, though there may be a lucky few who do not experience great pain but to make up for it I have wonderful care and good medication and a glorious future to look forward to. I just happen to be ending my life a few years earlier than most people but what is happening to me is not really that strange as death comes to everyone sooner or later. As I look back on my life, I have gone through severe emotional trials but I'm immensely grateful for the hardship, knowing that God brought me these trials in order to mold me into the image of Yeshua and I can echo the words of Job "when He has tested me I shall come forth as gold"(Job 23: 10). What a privilege to be a bondslave of my Lord, to be deserving of any life or any joy at all and then to know that this world is the place where we reap rewards for our heavenly life. I can only praise God and rejoice! May He be satisfied and fulfilled with the work of His hands. I long to hear those words, "Well done, good and faithful servant", and I trust that in spite of any fleshly weaknesses (believe me, I have many!) that I shall hear those words. When I was in hospital the thought came to my mind that I was simply a missionary who has lost her life on the mission field. My mission field has been my family--to draw them as close to God as possible and this goal will continue on till the day I die.
I suppose that it is only natural that people, especially non-believers, feel sorry for me but I have no patience for sympathetic conversations and quickly change the subject. Although I cannot help but be aware of my sickness and pain, I feel so incredibly blessed and overjoyed. Like King David I can say that my cup runneth over! I feel honoured that God has called me to go through this trial and when I consider what He is doing in this situation and what He is going to do, I can only rejoice. I greatly look forward to going home to be with my Lord and He has given me peace regarding my family. I realise that even though I am suffering as a consequence of my food addiction that God knew since who knows when, that I would go through this and He prepared me ahead of time to endure it. I recall the time soon after I came to Holland that the Lord gave me recurring dreams of preparing for a flight. I knew that the Lord was speaking to me to get spiritually ready for my future by cleaving to Him in love, abiding in Him and being filled to overflowing with His Holy Spirit. I always suspected that the flight, though possibly an actual plane flight, might be a fleeing away during the time of tribulation on earth. But my eyes were opened recently when I realised that the plane flight symbolized my leaving this earth to go and be with the Lord and He had actually been urging me to prepare for my dying and death. I am so immensely grateful and amazed that He prepared me for this way ahead of time, close to ten years ago when I wasn't even sick yet. I also received the following scripture from the Lord a year or two before my official diagnosis.
We already knew then that I had cancer though at times it was still hard for me to imagine that I wouldn't be around in the future. We also had a camper in a special place which was to be our haven in any kind of trouble so I therefore thought that the Lord was telling me that he would protect me/us during this time of trouble as He did Noah, but Kees was already fairly convinced then that God was saying that He would take me out of this world to Himself before the time of the great tribulation.
Until recently we were praying that God would miraculously heal me. I would imagine that perhaps I would be delivered from my food addictions when on my deathbed and then God would step in and heal me but lately I feel strongly that God is leading me in another direction--that He will raise me up to overcome this addiction but that as a family we need to accept my coming death and that I am to pray for revival for all of the people that I am in contact with and most especially my family. I believe that the issue of revival is a vision from the Lord, a burden and deep desire which He has put on my heart and this greatly excites me as I feel that He is leading us on an adventure. I know it may sound strange for disciples of Christ to accept death because it is so unwanted and seems so unnatural, especially at my age or younger. Generally we believe that God delivers us from tragedy and it's scriptural that He does, but it's also scriptural that God brings us trial and tribulations and in my own case I believe that my physical death is God's will for my family and myself and that the devastation in their lives will lead to revival and an abundant harvest. I believe too that after leading a hard life, God wants to bring me home to give me my reward.
By revival, I mean a reawakening from the Lord and an abundant outpouring of His spirit due to an unwavering abiding and focus on Him with lives totally laid down. During the years that I 'knew' yet was not formally diagnosed with cancer, I felt distressed when I thought about leaving my young family but part of the distress was from sensing that my job of wife and mother was not yet done.Yet for me to be a wife and mother at this stage was not so much about fulfilling practical duties but about leading my family to get as close to the Lord as possible and that is partly what so disturbed me--that I sensed that they were not as close to the Lord as they could be or should be and that I had somehow failed them in this issue, at the very least through not interceding enough for them. I don't mean to imply that they had fallen away or were not walking with the Lord. I just think that we should always strive to get as close to the Lord as possible. We should never be satisfied with ourselves or those that we care about if we are not progressing forward. Our faith should never be a stagnant pond, dependent on yesterdays testimonies. Rather, our faith should be like a river that is constantly flowing towards the sea and we need to make this our aim and keep our eyes fixed daily on this goal of coming closer and closer to God. I sensed that I had not grown much in the area of intercession and that my family needed my prayers.
This, I believe has been my ministry and calling and what I believe should be the secondary ministry of every wife/husband and mother/father--to lead their family members closer and closer to the Lord, (the primary ministry being the worshiping of our Lord). How can I go to be with the Lord and rejoice in my salvation if my loved ones are not precisely where they should be? I would not be able to rejoice in those circumstances! I would feel a failure as to me that would mean that I had not done my job well. I will have let my family down badly and my offering to the Lord may not be good enough to be accepted. But since the Lord has led me into this vision of revival, I can already rejoice knowing that He has given me this vision, hears my prayers and that He answers the prayer that He puts in my mouth. As He wrote through Isaiah--His word shall not return to him void.
I have a picture in my mind of a grapevine that has been so thoroughly pruned that there are only some dry branches sticking up above the ground, giving the impression that it is dead. But come back in a year or two and the growth and fruit will be astoundingly abundant, far more so than if it had just been slightly pruned. As we grow older in the faith, God can bring us harder tests and prune us much more heavily in order to strengthen our faith and instead of it killing us as it may have done when we were young and sensitive, it will serve to make us sturdier and bring forth an abundant harvest. This is the picture I have of the life that will come forth in my family through the devastation caused by my earthly departure. Now with my eyes fixed on this vision, I can look beyond the devastation and am excited at what God is going to do in their lives.
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There are various conflicting opinions and doctrines regarding healing and I wanted to write my thoughts on the subject and more specifically refute the prosperity doctrine of healing. Firstly, I believe that God still heals today and I am blessed that people are praying for God to heal me. I believe that God can heal me in an instant if He so chooses and I remain open to God to deal with our situation however He chooses. But I believe that it is not always God's will to heal everyone and that if He chooses not to heal then that does not necessarily imply a lack of faith, apathetically resigning oneself to circumstances, sin or somehow being out of the will of God. I am against the promotion of this dangerous and cruel doctrine that states that God always wants to heal everyone, without exception. I say dangerous because lives have unnecessarily been lost through the deception of this false doctrine and we can see just one example in the following article.
http://www.tetragrammaton.org/living21.htm
But even if lives are not lost, it is cruel as it often leads to emotional devastation as people are led to believe that if they are not healed then that is because they don't have enough faith and ultimately they may feel that God doesn't love them and has rejected them. Gone and crushed is their hope in the only One who gave their life meaning and made them feel precious and now people may reject them too in their time of need due to their lack of faith. As the saying goes, nothing is more painful than the death of an illusion. In the book Will God Heal Me? by Ron Dun, the author says that out of every one person who is healed there are a hundred who are not healed and depression and devastation follows those who are not healed. According to James 5: 15, if we read it carefully it is the prayer of the ones praying for the sick person that ought to have the faith and not the one in need.
I recall the story of Joni, left paralized by a diving accident when she was sixteen years old and was led to believe that God would heal her. On two occasions she mustered up all of her faith believing wholeheartedly that God would heal her but was left in turmoil and devastation when He did not. She learnt the hard way that God does not always heal and eventually God gave her a wonderful, fruitful ministry.
http://www.joniandfriends.org/about_joni.php
Personally, I believe it is a bad idea to promote the view that God is going to heal everyone who is sick because most people are being set up for a heavy fall causing terrible confusion and damaging faith and vulnerable emotions. The question is, where does our faith come from? Do we believe because we are told to believe or does our faith come from personally hearing from God? If God has given us a clear word that He will heal us, then of course, we need to believe it but if we have not received a personal word from Him then we are just making presumptions. I think that part of the problem is not properly understanding this verse from Romans 10: 17 So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. (KJV) We are taught that we need to read the bible, study and memorize specific scriptures that talk of healing in order to build up our faith. Although these things are profitable, I do not believe that this is what this verse means. It is written in Gen 15: 6 and Rom 4: 3, that Abraham believed God and this was reckoned to him as righteousness. Where did Abraham's faith come from? He had no bible to read. His faith came from hearing God personally speak to him. The same applied to Joseph and Jacob etc who were cut off from their families and had no bible to read but they could nevertheless still trust in the greatness and goodness of God because God had spoken to them through dreams. I wrote in Chp 6 about receiving a word from God that He would grant me another child or in Chp 8 I received a word from God that He would lead us to a new land. These were personal words that I heard from God and because I knew that God had spoken, I had no need to blindly believe. I could simply rest in the fact that God had spoken and these words were therefore facts. Faith comes from literally receiving a personal word from God about something specific that we are going through. It has nothing to do with claiming and believing what we think we ought to believe. We can immerse ourselves in verses about healing but if God hasn't spoken a personal word to us, then quite simply we haven't heard Him and in that case our faith is make-believe.
Because I have not received a clear word of healing from God but on the contrary, a word that He will take me, I therefore cannot blindly believe that God will heal me. I am not resigning myself to my circumstances. I just refuse to fall for the lie that God will heal me when He has told me no such thing. I am being realistic based on the information that I have from the Lord and I am submitting myself to what I believe is His perfect will for me and my family. I believe too, that even though we could continue on being useful to God that there comes a time when He wants to reward us and I believe that this is so in my case. Leaving this earth is not so tragic that we ought to hang on to it. On the contrary, if we leave this earth as overcomers then we have something glorious waiting for us and it is not a morbid occurrence. Although parting from loved ones is sad, we can trust our Father to take good care of them and use it for good in their lives. I have worked through the sadness of parting from my loved ones and now I can't wait! As long as I am alive I will do what I can to live my life to the fullest but I will not cleave to my life as though letting go is a tragedy. Dying is being reborn into another Kingdom and though birth is physically painful, it is spiritually glorious. I have another life to lead in another Kingdom and I am quite sure that when I arrive God will have work and a purpose for me there. Heaven is not a place where we will sit around doing nothing. As Kees says, I am being promoted. Part of the problem is that people struggle to see that earth is not our home. They see our lives on earth as a main meal and heaven our reward, the icing on the cake. Yes, heaven is our reward but it is far more than that. Earth with our purpose and usefulness is the hors d'�uvre, and heaven is the main meal with dessert. That is where our gifts and purposes will be put to greater use. This is why I appreciate Kees's thoughts: Death in the Lord is a promotion and promotion is usually associated with work responsibilites! The following verses speak not only of reward but of promotion:
Ill-health and death can further the Kingdom of God on earth just as much, if not more so than a miraculous healing and I believe that that is the case in my own situation. In order to prune us and build up our faith, God may choose to bring tragedy into our lives, sometimes even through health trials leading to an early death. It takes far more faith to walk through such a trial than it takes to be healed and the trial of not being healed will do far more for our faith than a miraculous healing. Faith is tested and perfected in trials. This is why more often than not, God chooses not to heal us. Jesus had to drink the cup of suffering to the dregs and his followers are called to follow in his footsteps which may mean an untimely death.
There are great men of God who died at a young age. Some names that I am familiar with are David Brainard (29) and John Hyde (47), both of whom totally exhausted their sick bodies of all strength by praying for revivals and actively preaching and evangelizing till their sick bodies could take no more. Through their long and intense prayers, a great host of souls found salvation and they experienced a fantastic outpouring of God's Spirit; yet God chose not to heal them but rather let them die! Then there is Oswald Chambers who died at the age of 43 when his appendix burst and he never survived the operation. Could God not have chosen to heal him instead? His wife incidentally received the same bible verse that I received: "This illness is not unto death; it is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by means of it." Countless missionaries have lost their lives relatively early. I think of Jim Elliot, murdered at the age of 28 (with four other missionaries) and known for these words, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Was his death an accident? From what I understand God was clearly leading them. Another missionary of whom I just learned is William Borden who was fully surrendered to God. He never succeeded in his goal of reaching China as he died of cerebral meningitis in Egypt at the age of twenty-five. Where was his faith? These missionaries were young, healthy and full of faith and God could have used them mightily. What a waste we may think. Yet a waste in man's eyes is precious in God's eyes and I'm sure that they are doing great works for God in His heavenly Kingdom.
I think too of Smith Wigglesworth whom God used to heal countless people throughout his life. In addition to that, he also raised people from the dead!! But when his wife suddenly died at a fairly young age, he managed to call her back from the dead but she insisted that God wanted her and he must let her go. He also had a son who died at a young age and one daughter whom he never succeeded in healing from deafness. He too suffered excruciating pain from kidney stones for three years. So where was the faith of this great healer who healed so many but failed to heal himself and other family members? And after successfully raising so many from the dead, why couldn't he raise up his young son and wife? I believe that God is the giver of the gift and healing depends on His will and anointing and we cannot take it for granted that this is His will for every sick person. Instead of dogmatically sticking to doctrines we need to admit that God is sovereign and all powerful and that He treats each of his children differently, according to His perfect will and plan. He may choose to heal some yet allow others to suffer instead for a good purpose. But people think that to be in God's will you ought always to be healthy and prosperous and if that is not the case then you are living a life of defeat and are out of God's will. I think that nothing could be further from the truth. I believe that as long as we endure the suffering that comes our way, abiding in Him till the end, praising Him and giving glory to His name then difficulties, ill-health and even losing our lives do not necessarily mean defeat but may well be God's perfect plan for us. How else can we conquer self if we don't encounter trials? We are not living to prosper on this earth but rather to deny self and conquer self in order to be prosperous in the life to come.
What about people in the bible who were not healed? Did they not have enough faith? Was Elisha's faith (sick with the illness of which he would die--2 Kings 13: 14) Paul's faith (thorn in the flesh) or Timothy's faith (stomach ailment) not strong enough to prevent them all from getting sick or was their faith not great enough to heal them? Were they somehow out of the the will of God? Was Job sick because he was not in God's will? What about Troph'imus who had to be left behind? (2 Tim.4) Was his faith or rather Paul's faith to pray for him not strong enough to raise him up? Isn't it strange that Elisha died of a sickness and yet a few verses later in 2 Kings 13: 21, a dead man who was thrown on his grave revived. Where was God's power to raise up Elisha himself? Did Elisha have to die from a sickness rather than like most of the other Old Testament saints who died peacefully as their bodies got weaker and weaker. What about Job who lost all of his children? Was he, or were his children out of the will of God? What about the story of Na'aman's healing? Was Na'aman's faith so great that it caused God to favour him and heal him? I doubt it! Did he deserve to be healed with his attitude? I think it was purely an act of God's mercy towards him and also to shame him and humble him for his arrogant attitude. God chooses to heal whomever He chooses to heal, a different path for each one of His children as He sees fit.
Take a look at Hebrews 11, the famous chapter on faith. Two groups of people are listed there. The first group appeared to be successful as God miraculously delivered them from their trials but what about the second group? It may appear that these people suffered without God showing favour on their behalf. Were they out of God's will?
What on earth did these people do wrong to walk in such seeming defeat? Where was their faith and where was God's miraculous deliverence? What a tragedy that they had to live like that and even die like that, probably even dying an early death. Yet these very people are in God's hall of fame, having suffered and endured to the end, trusting that the Lord was with them even though He chose not to deliver them. I believe that our circumstances in life cannot reveal if we are walking in God's will. Only our attitude and how we are dealing with our circumstances in the depths of our hearts reveal whether or not we are walking in defeat or walking in faith. Are we grumbling and complaining or are we abiding in God, thanking Him for our circumstances, praising Him and worshiping Him in our deepest valley? Refusing to run away from our cross, cleaving to Him in love and enduring to the end--this only determines whether or not we are in God's will and whether or not He approves of us, be it even a health trial leading to an untimely death. (We also need to take care that we continue to cleave to the Lord in times of prosperity because especially at those times people tend to slide away from God as they don't need Him anymore).
Let us consider what the Lord says about Himself through Isaiah 40:28
and also King David---
Let's be careful that we don't get dogmatic about various doctrines. God leads each of His children on a different path and He will not allow Himself to be molded into our doctrines. I believe that there are righteous people who serve God without reservation who do live long lives but there are others walking with Him just as wholeheartedly whom He chooses to bring home to Himself when they are relatively young. Let us not presume to know the mind and will of God. Our Lord is far more interested in breaking us, possibly even at times causing devastation in our lives so that He may mold us into the beautiful image of Christ in order to prepare a glorious bride, fit to rule and reign with Him.
Various passages in the bible talk of enduring or persevering. What do those words mean? From a dictionary
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/
To endure means to carry on through, despite hardships; to suffer patiently without yielding, to last for a long time. To persevere--to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement, to continue to (try to) do something in spite of difficulties.
To keep on going in the face of difficulties is far more important to God, than giving us a good and comfortable life, fulfilling our earthly desires and making us prosperous in this present life. I am convinced that perfecting us through trials is more important in God's eyes than giving us a glorious ministry where we can do great things for Him. Above all else, Jesus has called us to take up our cross and put self to death. God will not always shield us from pain but often chooses to lead us through it so that we will learn to strengthen ourselves in Him, walk close to Him, learn to lean on Him and to rest in Him, to overcome self and so grow up to walk in the full maturity of Christ. Only through trials can God raise us up to be overcomers and this includes health trials that may lead to an untimely death. Let us look to Christ as our example, who set his face as a flint (Isaiah 50: 7--utter determination to endure extreme suffering to the end) and made it his food to do God's will no matter what the cost, and it cost him his life. I am sure that this humble and beautiful bride from Heb 11 will be able to look back on her earthly trials in great gratitude, knowing how God used it to perfect her and draw her close to Himself.
David Wilkerson hit the nail on the head when he writes that nowadays there is too much fixation on life and none on death. People are too attached to their world here on planet earth and do not have their eyes focused on the Kingdom of Heaven. They are bound to their work, their homes, their dreams, their loved ones, their purpose in life and whatever they have invested in. But our real home is not here and we ought not be attached to our earthly lives! God gave us life to perfect us through trials and that is more important to Him than 'ministry' and fulfilling our dreams here. If we have walked according to God's will and have lived our lives to the fullest then death is our reward and there is every reason to look forward to it. Paul also thought of death as something to look forward to, far more so than living our lives here.
Every now and then I come across fantastic testimonies of people whom God has miraculously healed and I believe them and thank God for His wonderful miracles but I am disappointed that I have never come across a testimony from someone who is dying--someone giving glory to God in the midst of a health trial whom He has chosen not to heal, someone enthusiastically looking forward to what lies ahead. Instead we hear about people, even believers, suffering as they end their lives, without a word of praise for God. At least that is my experience. Usually we hear nothing of people joyfully giving glory to God's name when they are dying and this imbalance helps to paint a picture of sickness and death as a defeat, rather than the glorious triumph which we are privileged to look forward to. Perhaps I am the first to give such a testimony, I don't know, but I will praise God's name as long as I have breath and I say that while my body suffers increasing weakness and pain. I may be gone in a few weeks or months but my sick and dying body will not shut me up and pain will not stop me from proclaiming His greatness and goodness. He is Almighty God and I am immensely grateful that He is my God! I thank you Father for your good will, that I can live for you and die a painful death and glorify Your Precious name! May Your great name be praised, blessed and glorified throughout all of the earth!
I was recently asked if I was not jealous of people whom God has miraculously healed. I can say quite honestly that I am not. In fact, if God were to reveal to me that He wants to heal me tomorrow, I would even feel disappointed because I believe that it is a great honour to glorify God's name by suffering and dying for Him. I am thrilled to be on this unique path that He has chosen for me. I have always wanted to die a glorious death like Stephen, who although feeling pain, was far more conscious of the Lord. Perhaps in some way the Lord has fulfilled my desire. I lived my life overcoming severe emotional beatings, and at the end of my life, the beatings of physical pain cannot shut me up. The harder I am struck, the louder will I cry out, "God Almighty, you are my Lord and I praise and bless your Holy Name. Into your hands Lord Jesus, I entrust my spirit." Do you admire me and think how brave and wonderful? Please, do not!! I cannot take any credit for this. If I were not abiding in God then I would be shattered and unable to endure! My strength is purely God's doing and I would not be able to stand this trial if He had not trained me to daily abide in Him and be filled with His Holy Spirit. He only is my strength!! And whatever trials you are going through, He also will enable you to endure with His joy and peace, if you spend time with Him.
No doubt there are those people who will find it strange and puzzling, ridiculous even that I never went to a doctor and think that my dying and death, as well as my attitude towards it is clearly a waste and anything but a victory. I couldn't disagree more! As for not going to a doctor, I had to remain true to my convictions. I see my life, my dying and death as clearly being led by God and a great triumph as He is raising me up to be an overcomer and I am thankful for His wonderful plan and I humbly submit myself to Him. God could have prevented any situation leading up to my death, yet He chose not to and instead kept me imprisoned in my circumstances. But I have absolutely no regrets! I rejoice and am thrilled to be going to to my Lord for I know that He has wonderful things in store for me and though it may crush my family I know that from the devastation He will bring forth abundant new life in them. I look ahead to what cannot be seen with natural eyes, knowing that God has wonderful things in store for us all. How can I not rejoice?! I echo what Jim Elliot wrote, "I seek not a long life, but a full one, like you, Lord Jesus." If an early death will further the Kingdom of heaven on earth, then it is not a waste but a glorious honour and I am all for it. What many people fail to see is that sickness and death can further the Kingdom of God on earth, often far more so than a miraculous healing and I am honoured that the Lord has chosen me to give up my life for His purposes. He knows what is best! I think of the death of Jesus which initially seemed tragic and inexplicable, a seeming defeat to all, yet later it became clear that his death was a great victory and I think that that paradox is similar for those who are following in his footsteps. What may appear to be a horrible defeat is a glorious triumph and I look forward to my coming promotion.
This is what David Wilkerson says:
Friday, March 27, 2009
Paul said it: �To die is gain� (Philippians 1:21). That kind of talk is absolutely foreign to our modern spiritual vocabularies. We have become such life worshippers, that we have very little desire to depart to be with the Lord.
Paul said, �I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better� (Philippians 1:23). Yet, for the sake of edifying the converts, he thought it best to �stay in the shell.� Or, as he put it, �live in the flesh.�
Was Paul morbid? Did he have an unhealthy fixation with death? Did Paul show a lack of respect for the life God had blessed him with? Absolutely not! Paul lived life to the fullest. To him, life was a gift, and he had used it well to fight a good fight. He had overcome the fear of the �sting of death� and could now say, �It�s better to die and be with the Lord than to stay in the flesh.�
Those who die in the Lord are the winners; we who remain are the losers. Death is not the ultimate healing: resurrection is! Death is the passage, and sometimes that passage can be painful. No matter how much pain and suffering wreak havoc on these bodies, it is not even worthy to be compared with the unspeakable glory that awaits those who endure the passage.
Any message about death bothers us. We try to ignore even thinking about it. We suspect those who talk about it of being morbid. Occasionally we will talk about what heaven must be like, but most of the time the subject of death is taboo.
How different the first Christians were! Paul spoke much about death. In fact, our resurrection from the dead is referred to in the New Testament as our �blessed hope.� But nowadays, death is considered an intruder that cuts us off from the good life we have been accustomed to. We have so cluttered our lives with material things that we are bogged down with life. The world has trapped us with materialism. We can no longer bear the thought of leaving our beautiful homes, our lovely things, our charming sweethearts. We seem to be thinking, �To die now would be too great a loss. I love the Lord, but I need time to enjoy my real estate. I�m married. I�ve yet to prove my oxen. I need more time.�
Have you noticed there is very little talk, nowadays, about heaven or about leaving this old world behind? Instead, we are bombarded with messages on how to use our faith to acquire more things. What a stunted concept of God�s eternal purposes! No wonder so many Christians are frightened by the thought of death. The truth is, we are far from understanding Christ�s call to forsake the world and all its entanglements. He calls us to come and die, to die without building memorials to ourselves, to die without worrying how we should be remembered. Jesus left no autobiography, no headquarters complex, no university or Bible college. He left nothing to perpetuate his memory, but the bread and the wine.
http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/
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What is revival? Revival is when God comes to us and revives us by abundantly pouring his Spirit out upon us. As long as we have not received a touch from God we may either lack power or actually be spiritually dead and when He comes to touch us then we become alive in the Spirit. Revival is simply inviting or imploring God not just to be a part of lives but to take over our lives and we do this not just by our prayers but also by proving to Him our devotion and dedication by the way we live our lives, being totally spent and wasted on Him. In order to experience revival you firstly need to have someone praying. When studying previous revivals it is clear that though many people may have been praying for God to come to them in a powerful way, some revivals have been the result of only one person praying but the burden coming forth from this one person, as well as a life totally laid down has been enough to touch the heart of God and send forth His Spirit in a wonderful and terrible way. Wonderful because His Spirit is wonderful, beautiful and loving; terrible because anything that is not holy and righteous, He will burn up, as in the case of Ananias and Sapira. When studying the scriptures it is obvious that there is therefore a definite need to have a very real fear of God. Many people will say that the fear of God is not real fear but rather a great respect for God. I disagree. So also will ancient Israel who preferred to have Moses meet with God in their place on Mount Sinai (Ex 20: 18), Daniel, (who fell down before an angel) and Ezekiel and the apostle John who both fell flat down on their faces because of a very real fear of God. Also in the book of Esther, she had a very real fear of the king, knowing that one wrong move could mean the end of her life. Yes, the king received her but it was not without fear and trembling on her part and I believe that they both paint a picture of the character of Christ and His bride.
Many of God's people have one foot stuck in the world and the other foot in His kingdom and in that case, God cannot and will not approve of us and be pleased to meet with us. He is a jealous God who is searching for a people who are wholeheartedly devoted to Him. When He finds them, He will meet with them and lead them on an exciting adventure.
Who would not want to do the things that Jesus did and greater things too?! If anyone thinks that that has already taken place or that we are already living in these glorious times, I think that you are mistaken because I don't see any such thing happening in our daily lives. And for a good reason. As I said, most people have one foot stuck in two kingdoms--God's kingdom and the kingdom of this world which is ruled by Satan and we may not even be aware of our double-mindedness. I don't mean to sound haughty. I myself walked in a state of blindness for several years as a born-again believer so I pray that God will remove the blinds from our eyes and convict us of sin so that we will repent and walk in holiness. In fact, this is why I am writing about this--in the hopes that God can use it to wake us up, not just for our own excitement and fulfilment but to bring forth His magnificent Spirit to this dry and needy earth.
Two things are needed for revival:
1) Sanctification or separation from the world.
2) Cleaving to God.
The first is that God's people need to sanctify themselves and the second thing is that people need to cleave to God. Firstly, sanctification means to separate ourselves to God. We need to separate ourselves from all things that are ungodly and undesirable in God's eyes, all idols and anything that can be considered worldly and fleshly. Someone may argue that we are in the world and that is that. In reply to that statement, I recall what Derek Prince once said. He likened the believer to a ship that was in the ocean--the world. He said that a ship in the water is fine but the water in the ship is not! It is God's will that we remain separated from the things of this world. We can see in the Old Testament that this is what God wanted for His people Israel. He chose Israel to be His prized possession, the love of His life and the apple of His eye. He was jealous for Israel in the same way that a husband may be jealous of his wife. A husband will not want his wife to be flirting with who knows who but he rightfully wants her all to himself and this is God's attitude towards His people Israel. And just as a husband wants to protect his wife, bless her abundantly and satisfy her totally, so God wants to do so too and be everything to His people Israel.
No, I don't mean that Christians have replaced Israel!! On the contrary, God has said that He will never leave her nor forsake her.
Though man may take the freedom to violate a covenant, God will not. He is faithful and loyal and will never go against His word, so Israel His beloved remains His beloved. When I say that we are Israel I am just repeating what Paul said in Romans 11, that the gentile believers have been grafted into the tree and are now a part of Israel. It is well worth reading the whole chapter and we should bear in mind that gentile believers are not Christians (implying another religion) but followers of the Jewish Anointed One. They have been grafted into the olive tree and are therefore a part of spiritual Israel.
But to get back to the point, God loves us, His beloved, as a man loves his wife and wants her for himself. God wants to bless us, provide for us, protect us and give Himself to us however He can because He is in love with us and wants to shower us with His unconditional love. A man will not want to share his wife with another and it would break his heart if she were not to return his love or did so halfheartedly with her heart set on other attractive things. This is why God wanted Israel for Himself and still today He calls her to Himself. God also did not want ancient Israel to mix with the other nations in any way and so resemble them because they would lead Israel away from God into worshiping false gods, as well as other evil practices. The same is still true today! This is why Paul wrote:
What do I mean when I say that the same is still true today? In Old Testament times, some of the other nations would sacrifice babies and would also indulge in looking into the future and calling up Spirits etc and by so doing hand themselves over into the clutches of the enemy who seeks to destroy all people but especially God's chosen ones. This is happening still today, as Israel follows the rest of the world in in all manner of worldliness, two examples being the aborting babies and looking into the future to receive supernatural guidance.
This means that in order to be totally pleasing to God we need to be totally devoted to him and separate ourselves from anything that is not of Him, anything that is of this world that does not relate to His holiness, perfection and righteousness. To be practical, this means T.V. which is commonly placed in our living rooms--the heart of the home--- which not only cuts off communication between family members but feeds us with all kinds of spiritual junkfood so that when we come to God's table we are not very hungry for Him which is why most people in the Western world are lukewarm. This constant feeding on worldliness also comes from the adverts which we may not watch but whose worldly images and sounds still find their way into our hearts and minds through the eye and ear gate and they leave their mark on our hearts whether we are aware of it or not. We may also be feeding at Satan's table by listening to the wrong kinds of music. As I've written elsewhere, not all music is from God, not even 'Christian music'. Or we may be feeding at Satan's table by going to the wrong websites and the list carries on. Without realising it we may be exposing ourselves to the things of this world and by so doing brainwash ourselves. Our brains can be washed either by the things of the world or the Word of God and the things of God's Kingdom. The choice is ours. In Deut 6: 9 we can see that God wants us to be soaked in His word and to literally focus our eyes upon it. That is why I plaster the toilet door with scriptures and other anointed writings. Then I am still and can focus my eyes on His word and He speaks to me.
God was not implying here that the Jews have a Mezuzah on their doorposts! That is religious superstition. (Mezuzah--A small piece of parchment inscribed with the biblical passages Deuteronomy 6:4-9 and 11:13-21 and marked with the word Shaddai, a name of the Almighty, that is rolled up in a container and affixed by many Jewish households to their door frames in conformity with Jewish law and as a sign of their faith.) Unfortunately, people choose not to make God their highest priority today and many have their eyes focused on T.V., computer and other worldly things, as well as godly things, even 'ministry', all of which compete for the throne of our hearts. Jesus often found time to escape the crowds to go and be alone with the Lord. Worshiping God and communing with Him needs to become more important than anything else!
Sanctification today also includes our wrong attitudes and habits such as grumbling, worrying, resentment, lack of submission to authority etc. Our flesh needs to be put down and not have any place in our lives. We are made clean, righteous and holy by the blood of Yeshua but it is also a responsibility to walk in holiness.
A good example of revival is the story of Josiah in 2 Kings 22, 23. As it is written in chapter 22 verse 2, Josiah didn't turn to the right or to the left. My interpretation of that verse is that he made sure he was walking on the narrow path. Josiah was extremely distressed to discover that Israel had not been obedient according to God's book of the law and he tore his clothes, a symbol of grief and mourning, and he humbled himself before God with a penitent heart and wept. In chapter 23 we can read how he got rid of all of the idols and it is evident that he did so passionately, not wanting to leave one stone unturned. In fact, he was one of the few good kings who not only got rid of idols but also got rid of the high places. May we be just as passionate in getting rid of all of the idols and high places in our lives and hearts and stop committing idolatry and adultery by flirting with the world. God will not take His place on the throne of our hearts with other idols. If we want Him to come to us, then we need to get rid of everything reigning in our hearts, even so-called Christian things as these too can take the place of God.
The second step that invites the Spirit of God into our lives is cleaving to God with all of our heart. This is what God spoke through Moses:
Jesus confirmed God`s will to cleave to Him.
How badly do we want God to manifest Himself to us? Are we prepared to seek Him with all of our hearts, to deny self, take up our cross and lose our lives? It may be hard work to get ourselves into the right place before God but the rewards--they are out of this world!
I can think of a good modern day example of someone who chose to get rid of the idols in his life and put God first and he was not disappointed. We can read about it in the book called The Cross and the Switchblade by David Wilkerson. In the beginning of the book we can read how David thought that he should get rid of his T.V. but he wasn't totally sure if it was necessary so he decided to advertise it as being for sale and would understand if it was God's will if it would be sold within 24 hours. About 1 minute before the deadline he sold his T.V. David fulfilled step number 1 by getting rid of an idol in his life. Then he proceeded with step no 2. The two hours that he spent watching T.V. every evening he devoted instead to prayer and worship. And if we read the rest of the book we will discover that God certainly led him into an exciting and adventurous life. He is a wonderful example of someone who humbled himself before God and God exalted him.
I think it is quite obvious that had David fulfilled only one of those conditions, his life would not have changed in such a dramatic way and he would not be able to present God with the wonderful souls that he has reaped for salvation. Imagine, what if David had gotten rid of his T.V. but not spent those two hours in prayer every evening? How could he have heard God's voice and be led by Him on such an adventure? Or imagine, what if David had spent two hours a day in prayer but had chosen not to give up his time of watching T.V. and continued to feed his flesh? I don't think that God would have approved of him and led him in such a wonderful way. I think it's obvious that when it comes to serving God we must give Him our all or otherwise nothing.
In the above verse Jesus said that He will manifest himself to us but this depends on whether or not we are willing to forsake everything that holds us earthbound and fleshbound and cleave to him in love and abide in Him. If you have your heart set on this then be prepared for a wonderful love to blossom in your life and He will lead you on an exciting adventure where you will do the things that Jesus did and greater things too. May we all be prepared to fulfil these two conditions in our lives and be wholeheartedly devoted to God, glorifying His name so that He will be proud of us and be pleased to come and be with us, to touch us with His Spirit and reawaken us and lead us on a wonderful adventure. How humbling that we can receive so much and also get rewards for our work that He has prepared for us beforehand when in fact we deserve nothing. May His name be praised and blessed and glorified throughout all the earth.
My wife and I were sitting in the living room when I said to her, "Just so you know, if I am ever in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the T.V and threw out all my beer!
Before I get to the T.V. part, let's talk about alcohol. Why are you drinking? To give glory to God? Jesus has called us to a sacrificial life. Perhaps we don't need to give up the occasional drink or occasional movie or the occasional...... But look at this wonderful story in Jer. 35. about this tribe who voluntarily gave up drinking. They didn't need to but they chose to and we can see how this sacrifice touched the heart of God.
[1] The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD in the days of Jehoi'akim the son of Josi'ah, king of Judah: [2] "Go to the house of the Re'chabites, and speak with them, and bring them to the house of the LORD, into one of the chambers; then offer them wine to drink." [3] So I took Ja-azani'ah the son of Jeremiah, son of Habazzini'ah, and his brothers, and all his sons, and the whole house of the Re'chabites. [4] I brought them to the house of the LORD into the chamber of the sons of Hanan the son of Igdali'ah, the man of God, which was near the chamber of the princes, above the chamber of Ma-asei'ah the son of Shallum, keeper of the threshold. [5] Then I set before the Re'chabites pitchers full of wine, and cups; and I said to them, "Drink wine." [6] But they answered, "We will drink no wine, for Jon'adab the son of Rechab, our father, commanded us, `You shall not drink wine, neither you nor your sons for ever; [7] you shall not build a house; you shall not sow seed; you shall not plant or have a vineyard; but you shall live in tents all your days, that you may live many days in the land where you sojourn.' [8] We have obeyed the voice of Jon'adab the son of Rechab, our father, in all that he commanded us, to drink no wine all our days, ourselves, our wives, our sons, or our daughters, [9] and not to build houses to dwell in. We have no vineyard or field or seed; [10] but we have lived in tents, and have obeyed and done all that Jon'adab our father commanded us. [11] But when Nebuchadrez'zar king of Babylon came up against the land, we said, `Come, and let us go to Jerusalem for fear of the army of the Chalde'ans and the army of the Syrians.' So we are living in Jerusalem." [12] Then the word of the LORD came to Jeremiah: [13] "Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel: Go and say to the men of Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem, Will you not receive instruction and listen to my words? says the LORD. [14] The command which Jon'adab the son of Rechab gave to his sons, to drink no wine, has been kept; and they drink none to this day, for they have obeyed their father's command. I have spoken to you persistently, but you have not listened to me. [15] I have sent to you all my servants the prophets, sending them persistently, saying, `Turn now every one of you from his evil way, and amend your doings, and do not go after other gods to serve them, and then you shall dwell in the land which I gave to you and your fathers.' But you did not incline your ear or listen to me. [16] The sons of Jon'adab the son of Rechab have kept the command which their father gave them, but this people has not obeyed me. [17] Therefore, thus says the LORD, the God of hosts, the God of Israel: Behold, I am bringing on Judah and all the inhabitants of Jerusalem all the evil that I have pronounced against them; because I have spoken to them and they have not listened, I have called to them and they have not answered." [18] But to the house of the Re'chabites Jeremiah said, "Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel: Because you have obeyed the command of Jon'adab your father, and kept all his precepts, and done all that he commanded you, [19] therefore thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel: Jon'adab the son of Rechab shall never lack a man to stand before me."
It's human nature to spoil ourselves and see how much we can get away with but I love this story as it shows us how precious a sacrifice is in God's eyes. But now I want to talk about T.V.---
1) T.V. encourages laziness.
2) It encourages us to live in the flesh when we are told to put off the flesh and walk in the spirit.
3) It takes us away from God. God will not be with us when we are spending time away from him.
4) It destroys family life as it demands our full attention and blocks out communication. Actually it doesn't just destroy family life. It destroys the life of the individual, causing the watcher to become like a dead person, non-functioning, mesmerized and glued to his seat.
5) It is addicting, causing us to run to it whenever we have the opportunity just for the sake of giving ourselves some time of pleasure. A good test to see if we are addicted is to see how well we handle interruptions. But even if we handle interruptions well, we may still be addicted, not wanting to miss out on programmes, even Christian programmes, or change our habits and schedules.
6) Worldly entertainment is a replacement of the joy of the Holy Spirit and the two cannot be compared.
7) As we become addicted we become a slave to it and whatever we are a slave to-that is what we worship.
Actually I am not 100% against T.V. providing that the person is not addicted, is not habitually spending a lot of time with it, and if what he watches is educational and not worldly or if a specific programme lifts up the name of God and brings us closer to Him. But we do need discernment in that area as not everything that appears to give glory to God is a true representation of Him but could be a deception instead. Being flesh and blood, we are also very good at walking in denial and deceiving ourselves. As I already mentioned somewhere, Derek Prince once correctly said that if you don't think that you can be deceived then you are already deceived.
Jesus commands us to deny self, take up our cross and follow him. If we are prepared to lose our life then we will find the real life that He has for us. Let us seek to throw off every weight and sin that holds us back from God. If we want to live our lives fully for God and enter into His promises and experience Him using us and working through us then two things are needed. The first is to throw off that which is holding us earthbound and fleshbound. The second thing is to learn to come to God and worship Him and that our worship will take the place of whatever sin or addiction we have thrown off. Both need to go together hand in hand. The one without the other is no good. If we want to devote our lives to God, let us seek to come closer to Him so that we will love Him with all of our hearts, souls, minds and might and that we will fully enter into the real life that He has for us, so that we will begin living the life of adventure that He has for us.
Man does not control TV. TV controls him. Only one study of many will prove this point. Approximately four years ago in St. Catharines, Ontario, the newspaper headlines read one day: $500 paid for disposing of TV. The article went on to say that a study was done in Detroit in which the goal was to find out to what degree people are controlled by TV. Two hundred fifty families were scientifically selected from various races and classes to be offered $500 if they would live without their TV set for one month. After thirty days they could take it back in, and receive $500 free. Out of 250, only fifty families agreed to do it. How many families "made it" through this trial of thirty days? Eight! The other forty-two forfeited their $500 sometime during the month - one family took their TV back in on the 29th day. The eight who made it through were interviewed extensively. All said it brought their family closer together without TV. Six fathers said they first learned to know their children. One father said: "The day that I disposed of our TV was the first day in twenty-five years that no one was killed in our living room, no sirens screamed, no shots rang out, no artificial merriment told us when to laugh, and no one slashed anyone else." And what was the final result of these eight families of whom seven said their family life was considerably more rewarding without TV? The last line of the article tells us: "All eight families took TV back in."
Tele-holism. Knowing it does more harm than good, and still keeping it - that is slavery.
Father, may you have your way with us, not only in this area of T.V. but in all areas of our lives. May you reveal what we need to see, and convict us wherever we need your conviction so that we will repent and turn to you wholeheartedly. May we not just be pleasing to you, but fully pleasing and satisfying to you, blessing and lifting up your wonderful name throughout the whole earth so that we may enter into the good works that you have for us, doing the great things that Jesus did and greater things too. May we seek your approval above all else and may we come to know you as our Beloved, as you come to us recognising us as your beloved, your precious child, the apple of your eye. Be pleased with us Lord!
Author unknown
A few months before I was born, my dad met a
stranger who was new to our small town. From the
beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting
newcomer, and soon invited him to live with our family.
The stranger was quickly accepted and was around
to welcome me into the world a few months later.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in our
family. Mom taught me to love the Word of God,
and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger
was our storyteller. He could weave the most
fascinating tales. Adventures, mysteries, and
comedies were daily conversations. He could hold
our whole family spellbound for hours each
evening. He was like a friend to the whole
family. He took Dad, my brother, and me to our
first major league baseball game. He was always
encouraging us to see the movies. and he even made
arrangements to introduce us to several movie
stars.
The stranger was an incessant talker. Dad didn't
seem to mind, but sometimes Mom would quietly get
up - while the rest of us were enthralled with
one of his stories of faraway places-go to her
room, read the Bible, and pray. I wonder now if she ever prayed
that the stranger would leave.
You see, my Dad ruled our household with certain
moral convictions. But this stranger never felt
an obligation to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our
house - not from us, from our friends, or from
adults. Our long-time visitor, however, used
occasional four letter words that burned my ears
and made Dad squirm. To my knowledge, neither of
my parents ever confronted the stranger. My Dad
was a teetotaller who didn't permit alcohol in
his home - not even for cooking. But the
stranger felt like we needed exposure and
enlightened us to other ways of life. He offered
us beer and other alcoholic beverages often. He
made cigarettes look tasty, cigars manly, and
pipes distinguished. He talked freely about sex.
His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes
suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I know now that the stranger influenced my early
concepts of the man/woman relationship. As I
look back, I believe it was the grace of God that
the stranger did not influence us more. Time
after time, he opposed the values of parents, yet
my father seldom rebuked him and never asked him
to leave. More than thirty years have passed
since the stranger moved in with us. But if I
were to walk into my parent's home today, I would
still see him sitting there waiting for someone
to listen to his stories and watch him draw his
pictures.
His name?
We always just called him..................TV.
.
We live in a time when ministry has been put on a pedestal and so many people seem to fall for it. Because it is a spiritual sounding word we have been deceived because the issue brought forth today focuses on our talents, or in other words, self-- which is appealing to our egos and makes us feel important, possibly even indispensable. Isn't it wonderful to think that God needs us?!! I suppose it doesn't help that many people feel insecure, possibly even worthless so having a mninistry gives them what we like to call self-esteem. But to put it more bluntly, if we haven't yet learnt to minister to God first, then a 'ministry' will just feed peoples egos and make them feel important. Shouldn't God Himself be our everything? Shouldn't our self-esteem primarily come from just knowing that God loves us and from literally being filled with His love through coming into His presence? Is it true that God needs us and we are indispensable? I believe not! God has no needs. He is sovereign and all powerful and can command a legion of angels or raise up stones to serve Himself. It is purely God's mercy that He chooses to use us. Because of His great love for us, God is more interested in our worth and our growth which comes from ministering to Him, rather than what we can do for Him. Many people also have some kind of ambition, something that they would love to do full-time for the Lord, or perhaps part-time and then what is even better--to have financial security from that. It sounds like a dream come true. But is that really God's will for His chosen ones? Possibly, but not until we have our priorities right. If our priorities are not right then this comfortable dream would greatly feed our flesh. Does God want us to be secure and does He want to satisfy our egos or would He rather not that we remain humble and are in situations where we need to throw ourselves on Him and be dependent on Him?
Whatever works that God has prepared for us to do, that will be the natural result of first loving Him and worshiping Him. If we get into the works before we have laid a firm foundation of regularly worshiping Him then our 'ministry' will not be His will and will become an idol. I think of Anna and Simeon who both spent a lifetime ministering to God. If we read about them in Luke 2, we can see that through ministering to God, the Holy Spirit was able to lead them to the great honour of welcoming and blessing our Lord Jesus as a baby and prophesying. Actually, they had a lifetime of ministry to the Lord but what we would call ministry, was over very quickly, within a day at the most. I'm sure that they have great treasures in heaven. Where are our priorities? We seem to see our worth in terms of usefulness to God but all usefulness takes place in the outer court. Only the High Priest could enter the Holy of Holies and there was nothing practical or useful about that.
We can see clearly in the above verse that it was through ministering to God that the Holy Spirit was able to lead Paul and Barnabas into a 'secondary ministry'. Ministry to God has to be our first and highest priority and if God has another ministry for us then He will reveal that to us through our ministering to Him but He will not bring us a secondary ministry until we have learned to minister to Him first. But some people do succeed through their natural abilities and strong characters to find a ministry which may even appear to be highly successful but we can read in the bible that there will be those who have done great works for God but Jesus will turn them away saying that he doesn't know them. Ultimately, God is not so much interested in service as He is interested in a relationship with us. Where are our priorities?
The most important thing we need to learn is that firstly we need to minister to the Lord and satisfy Him. In the Old Testament, the Levites were called to minister to God and to minister to Him morning and evening. Gifts and talents had nothing to do with it.
Though we are not called today to offer sacrifices to the Lord in the same way as in the Old Testament, I believe that God wants all of His chosen ones to minister to Him daily and to offer Him the sacrifice of worship and praise in the morning and evening. But interestingly enough, to minister to God in the Holy of Holies, the High Priest had to bring various sacrifices. Are we willing to sacrifice things in our lives to minister to God in the Holy of Holies?
In the above verse, we can read that David organised four thousand priests to praise the Lord, morning and evening. Notice that they were specifically called to praise the Lord through music. I think that many people underestimate the importance of worshiping and praising God through music. Personally, I find it highly important and a wonderful way of coming into God's presence. Sing to Him without an instrument if you cannot play one or put on some worship music that you can sing along to if you feel the need for an accompaniment.
I don't believe that God will give us a 'ministry' if we have not yet first learned to minister to Him, (though as I�ve mentioned, some people do succeed in promoting themselves through their natural talents and abilities) and we ought not to seek a ministry but seek only to minister to the Lord, morning and evening. When we get that right then God may bring us something that we can do for Him and we will not have to search for it. This is really the most important matter to study and if this is not being taught in Find your Ministry courses or if there is just a quick mention about this then the whole teaching is out of balance.
We can see from the above verse that to minister to the Lord is to actively serve Him by praising Him and to speak out blessing to God. We have a lot to learn from King David who ministered to God by coming into His presence by singing and playing to Him, praising Him, blessing Him, testifying to His great acts and acknowledging Him in all things. It was all very vocal and primarily to God Himself.
David didn't need to go to a ministry course to figure out where his talents lay in order to discover God's plans for him to rule over Israel. He first learned to minister to God and then God called Samuel to anoint him to be future king. David didn't need to examine himself, his gifts, talents, personality quirks etc. He didn't need to strive to figure out what he loved to do in order to be in the 'ministry'. He simply loved to spend time with God and ministered to Him continually from the depths of his heart and the Almighty God was great and powerful enough to bring David his ministry without David having to go out and search for it. The same can be said of the other Old Testament saints as well as the apostles and other helpers in the New Testament. But what if God had not chosen David to be King? Some people love the Lord, just like Uriah did and God may not give them another ministry. They may spend their lives worshiping God but other than that, remain as unknowns in the earth. They may have greater rewards in heaven waiting for them than those who are actively ministering in the outer court who are receiving their rewards now on earth and who sought a ministry without first learning to minister to the Lord.
Has the Lord your God chosen you? Do you choose to be one of His chosen ones? Will you learn to minister to Him daily, every morning and evening?
Is anyone married with children? Then we are privileged to have an added responsibility, or ministry. God wants us to minister to our families (or spouse if we have no children), to draw them close to Him by practically teaching our children as well as interceding for them. So mothers and fathers already have two ministries--to minister to God and to minister to their spouse and children.
We need to consider how we are raising our children. Are we spending time with them or are we just living together in the same house? Are we running around delivering them to various activities, even educational activities, instead of just learning to be together and enjoy one anothers company? (I recall once reading a true story about a blind mother who felt guilty that she couldn't take her child to the usual after school activities, not even a movie. All they could do was stay home together. But the child grew up being a happy, decent, well adjusted adult who was not aware of missing out on anything because she had such a rich relationship with her mother!) I don't mean to imply that after school activities are wrong. But they shouldn't taken over our lives as sometimes happens.
Are mothers pursuing a career, either for their own enjoyment or for the sake of finances when Jesus told us to seek first the Kingdom of God? Yes, I know that some people have to work, especially single parents but I've noticed that often enough people have chosen not to trust in God and put His Kingdom first, believing that they have to work. Jesus spoke the following words specifically in the context of our material needs and nothing is more important than putting him first in our lives, abiding in him and then taking care of our families. Yes, it is hard to walk in faith. This is where the rubber meets the road. Are you prepared to take that step in faith?
Are we being like a gentile or non-believer, one who has no faith in God to take care of our needs? Worry is the opposite of faith. If we put God first then we can trust that He will supply our every need. If working makes us so busy that we are unable to fulfil our primary responsibilities with all of our hearts and strength then we need to seek God and if necessary change jobs.
I recall reading in one of James Dobson's books where he discusses the issue of spending quality time with our children, versus quantity. It is a modern day lie that quality time makes up for the quantity of time. He gives the example of someone going to a smart restaurant and ordering the finest steak. After a long wait the steak arrives, perfectly and beautifully cooked but unfortunately a noticeably small piece that won't fill you up. You complain saying that you would have expected more. The waiter answers that they only have small pieces of steak but that's not important because the quality of the steak is what really matters, not the quantity and it's been perfectly cooked. So you eat your meal and loved it but you are still left hungry and unsatisfied. How does God feel regarding the amount of time you are spending with him? And what about the time we give to our children? Let us consider this example when it comes to spending time with our Lord and with our families. Quantity as well as quality are important and we should be aware of anything that seeks to rob us of our time from God as well as our famililes and deal with it appropriately.
Are we leading our children to God in times of worship? Do we discuss spiritual issues with our children? Are we making God more real to them than the world which is around them? I believe that God will only bless us with an additional 'ministry' if we are fulfilling our first obligations in the right order. It may be tough for some people to learn to minister to God or to their families, but if we haven't gotten into that yet then God will not increase our responsibilities.
Let us get our priorities in order and perhaps God will bring us another ministry. If so, we will not have to go out and search for it. This is precisely what God did in my own life. When I got my priorities right, the ministry appeared out of nowhere without me having to run around looking for it. God trained me to spend time with Him and to take care of my family and then to my great surprise, He simply dropped a ministry in my lap. Later, when he told me to let go of it, I was able to do so without a problem because He had taught me to put Himself first and then again later, in His way and time, He brought me other things to do.
Let us ask ourselves--what goal should we strive for while living on this earth? King David's goal was to make a dwelling place for the Lord. I too, want to make a dwelling place for the Lord, in my heart and in my home. I think that that is the most worthwhile goal but how can we practically do that? Is it enough to have a set time of prayer once a day and leave it at that? Will the Lord come and dwell with us in our homes if we just fit him in a slot somewhere? Personally, I want to strive for much more, to make the Holy Spirit welcome, not just to visit with us now and then but to permanently dwell with us and be at home with us. It is my prayer for my family, my congregation and anyone reading this, that we will seek to minister to the Lord morning and evening and to soak ourselves in His glorious presence. But more than that, let us seek to minister to God, not only alone but also as a family. I think it is tragic when families can find the time to sit down and eat together and watch T.V. together but not worship the Lord together. And if families have no time to eat together and 'dwell' together then there is no greater tragedy, in my opinion. When that happens, then family members become isolated, doing their own thing and doing what is right in their own eyes and that is what leads to the breakdown of society. As long as we are living under the same roof then I believe that God wants us to have togetherness. Being together is what makes a house a home. Let us wholeheartedly invite our Lord into our homes and show Him by our dedication and actions that we want Him to dwell with us.
Here is an excellent article well worth reading: