(Some of the names have been changed.)
I have heard it said that the cross is where our will and God's will meet. Let me tell you a very personal story about the greatest cross that I have had to bear and I suspect that it may be the greatest cross that I will ever have to bear but certainly not the only cross.
After my conversion into the kingdom of heaven, my life continued on in much the same way. The same loneliness, boredom and feeling of being lost but also a continued interest in watching the 700 club and a continued searching for God and for more meaning in my life. I couldn't seem to get enough of that. I had a great spiritual thirst and passion. I would speak out boldly about my faith whenever I met people but most people didn't share my interest. Some people are simply not searching for anything more in their lives, at least that is what I often discovered and if they were searching then they still wanted nothing to do with Jesus.
Then one day I met Mandy who I discovered was happy to talk about spiritual things and also had no problem talking about Jesus. She was older than I was, a divorcee, and was one of these people who always appear to remain young physically and mentally. She didn't believe that Jesus was God's son, the long awaited Messiah of Israel, but she did believe that he was a great prophet of God and seeing that we could discuss these things and got on well, we became good friends. Eventually I met her two children and after some time I got the impression that her nineteen year old son had his eye on me. I couldn't be sure and just waived that thought away till his mother confirmed it and it became obvious from her manner of talking that she had no problem if we were to ever get involved in a relationship. I went home to think about this. He was five years younger than me and I was not attracted to him, yet more than anything in the world I wanted a relationship with someone. He seemed boring to me yet I hardly knew him. How could I know if he really was for me? What was the right thing for me to do in this situation? I felt that I needed to have a prepared answer. I decided that if he asked me to be his girlfriend that I would accept but that I would give it three days to see what direction this would go in. I hated the thought of hurting someone and it bothered me immensely that people would go out with each other for months or years and then break up and leave their partner heartbroken. I had witnessed this so many times in the past and it distressed me so much to see wounded people who most likely would bear the scars for the rest of their lives because their loving partner had ditched them. I figured therefore, that my three day plan was acceptable so that I could assess the relationship and decide how to continue from there.
I didn't have to wait long. A few hours later at sunset Joey asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted. Day one was good, day two was even better and day three---there was no looking back. I knew that this was the perfect person for me. He was exceptionally decent and respectful towards me, as well as his mother and he was absolutely not boring. He had a fantastic sense of humour, was romantic, adventurous, responsible and was overall quite a character. We were together for one year and during that time it seemed obvious to both of us, as well as our families, that we were meant for each other and were going to be together for the rest of our lives. I was convinced that this was God's reward to me because God loved me so much. During this year, I was like a gloriously happy, little girl consumed with the blessings and joys of God, Joey and life in general and it was probably the happiest year of my life. I wholeheartedly believed that God had a glorious, happy and wonderful future waiting for me. I would tell myself that if I do my best for God then He will do His best for me. I believe that that is still true today but God's best is often to crush us first in order to perfect our faith and mold us into the beautiful image of Yeshua and He clearly had other plans for me!
About a year later, my brother Myron came to visit us in Israel. He had been living in South Africa for the last few years, against his will because he felt that Israel was his home. In the same way, I had been living in Israel against my will, because I felt that my home was in South Africa. We were both in different countries against our will and we didn't have the finances to move around so we were powerless to do anything about it but I believe today that that was simply God's will for us. We had had little to no contact with each other for several years until this visit and he stayed with us for about ten days. Myron was on his way to a bible school in Texas and just before he left, we discovered that we had both become believers at about the same time, in different countries and in a totally different way. He was not really convinced about me though. I was not in any kind of congregation, (I didn't know that there were any) I was in a relationship with a non-believer (I thought that this was God's wonderful gift to me) and I had a bookshelf filled with books on the supernatural which I also thought was God's blessing. But I managed to convince him that I was truly a believer by the two 'kosher' books I had on my bookshelf, one of which was Appointment in Jerusalem by Derek Prince. Both of us looked up to Derek Prince, Myron especially, seeing that God had so arranged that he had been baptised in the Holy Spirit in an outstanding way in one of Derek's meetings in South Africa. Seeing these two books, he became convinced that I was ready to go to a congregational meeting. I had no idea what he was talking about because I didn't know what that was or that there were other believers who were meeting together, nor did I know what it was to praise and worship God. I was very naive. Myron told me that he was going to a meeting the next evening in another city and that he would take me with him. That sounded exciting! The next morning I woke up with the worst sore throat that I have ever experienced. I never mentioned it! I understood that this was probably an attack from Satan and I wasn't prepared to let that stand in my way. So with a throat so bad that I couldn't eat and could barely drink and a head that felt as if it was wrapped up in cotton wool, I left with Myron late that afternoon to go to this early evening meeting and an exciting new world opened up for me. I don't remember much except for the music and a room filled with many people. I don't feel comfortable in crowds so in that respect it was a bit much for me but that was my introduction to congregational life in Israel and we got hold of the phone number of the leader of the congregation in the city where I lived.
Before leaving Israel, Myron presented me with a gift of two books about our faith. He explained that the one was a gift from him and the other was a gift from his friend Greg. I had met Greg a few times when I was a teenager living in South Africa. Apparently he was a believer, and God had used him to draw Myron into the Kingdom of God. Because we were Jewish, Greg understood the need to be sensitive when it comes to talking about Jesus and thought that it was best to say nothing to Myron about Jesus, and only respond to questions. Myron admits that had Greg spoken out about Jesus on his own initiative, it would have turned him off because to a Jewish person that sounds as if they are trying to be talked into changing their religion which is unthinkable. But Greg was the tool that God used to bring Myron into the kingdom, mainly through prayer and friendship. While this process of seeking was going on in Myron, they one day went walking along one of the paths on Table Mountain and were discussing each of our family members and whether they thought that we would also become believers. When they mentioned my name, Greg received a vision of me and heard God saying that I would be saved. He was quite overwhelmed, and because Myron was not yet a firm believer, Greg excused himself for a few minutes to sit down and pray for me. Now, this was perhaps about two years later, Greg had given this book to Myron to give to me as a gift, a testimony of how someone came to the Lord, not knowing that I was already born again. Seven years after I received this book and twelve years after I first left South Africa, my earthly father gave me a gift of a few weeks holiday in South Africa, my first trip back, and while there, Greg and Myron took me walking on the mountain and showed me the exact spot where Greg had received this vision and revelation about me. What a great and humbling honour!!
When Myron left Israel, I phoned the congregation in the city where I lived. They met in the homes of the leaders and arranged to pick me up to go to my first meeting. Recently three babies had been born to members of the congregation and this meeting was to be a time of prayer and blessing for the babies. I've never been much around babies or children and have always felt very awkward around them, not knowing how to relate, perhaps because there were no children or babies around me when I was growing up, but the thought of blessing babies greatly touched me. This place seemed to be surrounded by loving people and I felt that this is where I belonged. Because of my own awkwardness in social situations, I didn't feel very comfortable among this small group of perhaps twenty people, but I knew that this is where I belonged and I knew that as I got to know the people that my feelings of discomfort would gradually fade away. My second meeting was also very exciting for me. I was told that eight Ethiopian believers were going to be baptized in a swimming pool. I knew nothing about baptism or Ethiopians so this was quite mysterious to me. Because of the possibility of religious persecution this had to be kept top secret. This was so exciting to me. I felt that I was part of a secret society, God's secret society.
I went regularly to meetings twice a week and in time I got to know the people and they me and everyone knew that I was involved in a serious relationship with a non-believer. All seemed fine till Hadas confronted me, a dear Israeli sister in the Lord, the first one to come and talk to me in the first meeting that I went to. To earn money, she was helping people clean their homes and started regularly helping my mother. I was twenty five years old and still living at home so I had the opportunity to talk with her whenever she came to help my mother. One day she approached me and told me that my relationship with a non-believing boy could not be from God as it is written that we cannot be mismated with non believers (2Cor 6: 14). Of course, I couldn't receive that! I mean, this was God's gift to me and I told her that! I didn't know the bible very well, hardly ever read it and didn't understand the importance of living according to the bible. I found all of this uncomfortable and hard to swallow but we had a decent and respectful conversation. Although I resisted her message, I did want to follow God more than anything so it wasn't a problem for me to express that to my Lord and we had a short time of prayer where I asked God to show me His will in this matter. And so we parted and life continued on while I pondered our conversation. But aside from feeling uncomfortable about this talk, nothing seemed to change in the following weeks and God seemed to be silent throughout all of this. One thing I had noticed though was my tendency to become emotionally dependent on a person. This was something that I saw as a weakness in myself and I could clearly see that if this weakness were to be encouraged through a good relationship then it would bear the fruit of an emotional dependency and I would become emotionally crippled. But God was quiet about all of this and I didn't really know how else to examine this issue so it gradually faded away from my mind--till Hadas approached me again several weeks later. We had the same conversation followed again by prayer and this time I was left feeling even more uncomfortable. I'm the type of person who likes to get two sides of a story when examining an issue and this time when we parted it occurred to me that I could go and visit my dear friend Linda and hear her side of the story.
Linda was a firm believer whom I knew well. She had married a non-believer and had recently moved to my city. We had bumped into each other in town not long ago and she had given me her phone number and address. This seemed like a good opportunity to go and visit her and whether you're South African or Israeli, it's quite acceptable to be spontaneous and just go and visit someone without making an appointment (unlike the customs here in Europe) so I immediately set off to find her place. I arrived and told her why I had come. My loving sister in the Lord received me well and was happy to answer my questions. We talked about this for several hours and then I left, mulling over everything that we had spoken about while walking home. She was convinced that it was fine to marry a non-believer but as I recalled the bible passages that she had quoted, I couldn't help but get the feeling that she had used these particular scriptures to cement what she wanted to believe and she had not convinced me that it was God's will to get into a relationship with a non-believer. In fact, it seemed wrong to me. But how could I be sure? I mean this was just my opinion and although I felt strongly about it, it was still just an opinion. How could I throw away such a precious relationship only on the basis of an opinion? I wanted to know the truth. As I walked home, I prayed and told God that I couldn't throw away this relationship based on my opinion. If He wanted me to give up this relationship then I needed a revelation from Him. I was serious and God knew I was serious. He took me at my word because He is a faithful God who wants the best for His children, so I received my revelation, just three days later!
I was watching the 700 club. I loved the prayer part at the end where Pat Robertson would get words of knowledge and it seemed to me that 99% of the prayer requests and words of knowledge always had to do with sickness and healing. Today was the same except for one difference. Aside from the requests and words of healing, a very different word was expressed. With eyes piercing the screen, Pat declared that someone was in a relationship with a non-believer and God was telling that person to get out of the relationship immediately because it was not His will. He spoke that out with a great firmness and authority and I felt as though a sword had gone through my heart. I was totally shocked and grieved in my heart! The programme ended and I walked to my room, looked up to the corner of the ceiling and spoke to God telling Him that He had shut me up in a corner. I couldn't go forwards, backwards or sideways. That's just the way it felt at the time, imprisoned in my circumstances. For a split second it occurred to me that I could continue on in my relationship and still enjoy life and continue on with God but that thought found no root in my heart. It was impossible for me to do such a thing. I would have no peace of mind living a life of compromise. I knew that more than anything else in the world, I needed and wanted God in my life. How could I possibly go back on my word? Even if I had not given Him my word, how could I continue on with something knowing that it was not God's will?! Impossible! I could not live my life doing my own thing and at the same time experience God's peace, blessings and approval. It was unthinkable! I knew that I simply had no choice but to walk according to God's will and in that way receive His peace and know that He was with me. I was, and am, driven to be pleasing to my Lord, no matter what the cost.
Breaking up was not hard for me to do. But breaking loose from the emotional ties was another story. It was devastating. I had not only lost a dear friend but a seemingly glorious, happy and wonderful future and my eyes would fill with tears as I would walk down the road, trying to look and behave normally, knowing that I had thrown away what seemed to me to be more beautiful and of far more worth than a flawless diamond. The Lord in His mercy comforted me by giving me a dream. I saw Joey, my mother and my father standing far away from me in the distance with their backs to me, suitcases next to them and all around was the darkness of night. Then I was aware of my fathers hand in mine which was very strange because we are not a touchy family, both of us being too reserved to hold hands. But magically, all inhibitions were gone and very gradually my father's hand changed into the hand of Jesus. I woke up, temporarily but amazingly having been set free from all inhibitions and bathed in the gentle, supernatural peace of God. I lay still for several minutes basking in the fading presence of my loving Saviour and savouring His glorious love.
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Not only did I have my own pain but I felt double the pain for what I had caused to Joey. Exactly what I had set out not to do--break someone's heart by leading them astray in a longterm relationship and then breaking up after feelings were full blown-- exactly that I had gone and done! True, it wasn't my fault. I couldn't have known that we would break up and it definitely was not my will or desire. But still, the guilt haunted me just as much, if not more so than the pain of my own loss. I still saw Joey once in a while after that. He would tell me that I had a bee in my bonnet and that he was waiting for me. I had no choice but to tell him that that was not the case and he was free to find someone else. Another time, he told me that he felt that he needed to get married and even discussed his two other marriage options with me. I couldn't comment because I didn't know them. He did eventually marry about two years later and after the wedding discovered that his wife was a manic depressive and he would never be able to have children. This was an even greater blow to me and I suffered even more so from a spirit of guilt, as well as a spirit of sadness until the Lord delivered me and set me free about fifteen years later. I had no choice but to send my beloved away and entrust him to God's keeping.
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This is the story of my greatest cross. God brings all of his children a cross to bear. And more than one because it is to be a way of life. This is what Jesus means when he speaks of dying to self and taking up our cross.
It's when we come to a crossroads and we can choose to either go our own way or God's way. It may not be letting go of a person but can be anything where our will, our selfish desires and needs conflicts with God's will and He asks us to go in another direction other than what we would like. Notice in the above verse that three things are spoken of in a specific order:
1) Deny self
2) take up your cross
3) follow Jesus
Many people think they are Christians and are following Jesus because they 'love him'. They mistakenly believe that they are disciples of Christ because they have been baptised, pray regularly, go to church and tithe. (I believe in giving, not tithing which is coming under Old Testament law). But none of these things makes one a Christian or follower of Christ. If you read the link in the previous chapter, you will see that you can be a missionary and be exceptionally active for God, yet not be born again which is a very serious matter, an issue of eternal life or death. People who are not born again may try to live a sacrificial life but it will consist of good works, not led by God but of their own doing, but that is another story. To get back to the point, if as born again believers, we are not daily denying self and taking up our cross then we are also not following Jesus. This is not a path for the fainthearted. This is the hard, narrow gate and path which Jesus speaks of in Matt 7 and Luke 13, but unfortunately as he says, few find this path leading to life.
God brings trials and pain our way so that He can mold us into the beautiful image of Christ and it often takes a lifetime for the Lord to purify us but with each progressive step, the blessings gradually begin to flow. But first we must hate our idols and sins, repent and submit our wills to God and as we do so we will find ourselves walking with a great God who will do miracles on our behalf but this path is nevertheless, at times, tough and gruelling. Some people think that God does not want us to suffer because He is a God of love and He only wants to bless us with good things. But that is not the true gospel. As I wrote in the last chapter, to arrive at the truth we need to balance the scriptures, but unfortunately, more often than not, we hear about the cross of Christ and the wonderful things that we receive because of Jesus' suffering and death for us but seldom do we hear anything about taking up our own cross, suffering for our Lord and dying to self. Perhaps that's because not many people are walking along this path and the preachers prefer to preach on nicer subjects. It may well be puzzling therefore, for new believers to know of God's great love for them and then find themselves in the midst of a heavy trial. It took me about twenty years as a born again believer to understand (from reading a short chapter in a book) that even though Jesus suffered for us, that God calls us to suffer for Him and that my suffering was precious to God. Let's remember that Jesus was led by God to suffer and die a horrible death and we are called to follow in his footsteps.
In the following verse, Paul tells Timothy to share in the sufferings of Christ and there are many other verses in the bible that speak about us suffering for God.
What a shame that this subject tends to be ignored by teachers and preachers, at least in my experience. Yes, God blesses us but that will be in the midst of trials and not unless we are totally committed to Him and we demonstrate our love for Him by removing all idols from our lives and putting Him above everything, absolutely everything. Are you prepared to suffer for God, even if it were to mean losing your life through a horrible death? It is exceptionally painful to follow Christ and no devoted disciple is exempt from that pain. If you have not experienced the pain of denying self and taking up your cross for the sake of Christ then it is questionable if you belong to him. If we are committed to Him, then He will lead us along the path that leads to death and He will show us every tiny thing that we need to say no to, because those things do not bring us true life. Only He does!
The Old Testament saints were led along this path by the Lord. King David knew of God's great love for him and was anointed to be king but then God brought him a severe trial and he had to flee for many years. Joseph received dreams from God and knew of God's great love for him but then he was captured, sold as a slave in Egypt and later unjustly imprisoned and this trial lasted for about fifteen years. God led the Israelites out of Egypt with great signs and wonders but then the wilderness journey began and only two had the faith to enter into the Promised Land. We can also see this pattern of being loved by God and then suffering in the life of Jesus. First he was baptised--the Holy Spirit came upon him and God declared His great love for him, and then the Spirit led him away into the wilderness.
When Jesus passed every temptation the angels came and ministered to him and then he walked out of the wilderness, not only filled with Holy Spirit but in the Power of the Spirit. He walked this earth as an overcomer and God wants to do that same beautiful work in us.
In the following two verses we can see that Jesus calls us to live a sacrificial life.
We have to give up everything that we hold dear in our hearts, everything that feeds our ego and anything that we cling to that is not God Himself. Becoming a follower of Christ will cost us our lives and God uses the devil to tempt us and test us in our weak spots so that we will learn to say no to every temptation. This path is not always clearly noticeable in the lives of His disciples unless they open up and tell you their stories but we can clearly see this in the story of Abraham. Abraham experienced God's great love and the making of a covenant with the Creator of the Universe but he had an idol in his heart. How much he wanted and needed a son! He wanted to trust in God and God wanted to bless him with the desire of his heart but the Lord first had to destroy every drop of carnal self in Abraham's heart in this particular area. First Abraham was tested by having to wait for his son to be born. One of the hardest tests is waiting and Abraham failed the waiting test. Feeling so desperate, he went in to Hagar who conceived and bore him a child but this was not the son of the promise so once again he had to wait. From the time that Ishmael was born till the time that Isaac was born, he waited close to fifteen years. Then years later, there came a day when he had to say goodbye to Ishmael and again later, God asked him to sacrifice Isaac. All of this to wean Abraham from his carnal desire to have a son. Regarding Ishmael, I'm convinced that it must have been awful for Abraham to have to send him away. This was after all, his son who was about fourteen years old, with whom he must have had some sort of bond.
But Abraham was obedient to God and later he had the greater test of all, having to sacrifice Isaac. How will you respond when God tells you to send your Ishmael away, far away, out of reach? Or what will you do when God calls you to bind up your Isaac and leave him on the altar? Some people pass the test but I have noticed that many do not. And if we do pass the test then God will bring us more tests until we are fully purified and perfected for His glory. It is painful but what a great honour!