Towards the end of 1985, the Lord miraculously led me to a congregation of believers through my brother Myron. I knew instinctively that this was my new family because these were people that I could relate to and bond with, people who were walking in love and seeking God and His will for their lives, all of which was so important to me. We met in people's homes twice a week and I never missed a meeting.
A year after I arrived in the congregation, Kees arrived. He was working as a shepherd not far from the homes where the meetings were held and he also started coming regularly to the congregational meetings. Soon after we met, it may have been a few weeks or a couple of months later, he popped in to visit me and we went walking down to the beachfront. Life is quite spontaneous in Israel so there was nothing unusual in this visit except that I got the shock of my life when he proposed to me. I was quite unprepared for this as I had no idea that he had had his eye on me and we hardly knew each other. I explained to him that I was trying to get over my relationship with Joey and that I was hoping that he would become a believer so that we could get married. To my surprise Kees had a similar story except that he knew that there was no hope for his past relationship.
After our talk, I began to think that maybe it was more hopeful that I could marry Kees rather than Joey and I had a problem letting go of this new idea. There had been no sign of Joey seeking the Lord. I very much wanted to get married, still felt lonely and I'm not a career lady. I had no profession and wasn't interested in studying anything and I didn't know if I could successfully study for something in another language when I could barely succeed in my own language. I couldn't imagine anything for myself other than being married with children. But I realised that either it was God's will or not and I was not interested in doing my own will but His. I did what I could to let go of the idea of a possible marriage to Kees but without success. This haunted me as I so much wanted to get married and there was no other marriage possibility in sight.
About three years went by and after a long and difficult time of heart struggling in this issue, I finally gave it over to the Lord, believing that it was not to be. Joey had meanwhile gotten married and in all this time Kees and I had never discussed the issue of marriage again since that first time. In fact there was a period of time during those three years where we had had some conflict, were angry with each other and were not good friends. This was a peculiar situation for me because although relationships in my family were not ideally what they should have been, my friendships had always been smooth and without problems. Fortunately Kees and I did succeed in working out the problem but due to no more mention of marriage and this bad spot in the relationship, I finally came to a point of realisation that this relationship was most likely not to be. I was almost twenty-nine years old, and I felt that I had to face up to the very real possibility that maybe marriage would escape me and I would remain single for the rest of my life. Though there were other believing men who had made it clear to me that they were interested in me, I had no interest in them and somehow sensed that they were not the one for me. So singleness was now an extremely painful possibility for me and I was very lonely, had no real connection to my family, had no career nor did I want a career and I felt literally that I had nothing to look forward to except a future of boredom, loneliness, emptiness and nothingness. This loneliness and emptiness affected me especially on weekends or religious holidays. During the week I had my work which gave me opportunities to connect with other people but when these other days came around I just didn't know what to do with myself. Everyone was busy with their families and even if I went out walking, the only thing that I could think of to do, I had to go alone and all I could see was families and friends being together and enjoying one anothers company which made me feel even lonelier. Pressure at work was getting worse and I felt more and more that I didn't belong there so I knew that my days at that job were numbered. I couldn't imagine what work I would do next. I had been to the employment agency many times over the years and I'd done every job they'd offered me! Yet I felt that I had no choice but to face singleness, at least temporarily, and just accept it which left me feeling gloomy and quite depressed.
It may have been days later or perhaps a few weeks later, after giving this issue of marriage over to the Lord and accepting singleness with a gloomy heart that a day arrived when I sensed that the Lord was telling me that it was His will for Kees and I to get married. Our relationship had suddenly improved and Kees had invited me over for supper in two days time. I believed that I had to talk to him about marriage that evening. For the next two days I walked around feeling very shaky with a lump in my throat, praying continually to God that if I was wrong about this matter that He'd show me that I had not heard Him correctly, and if I had heard Him correctly that He would allow the conversation and events to unfold according to His will because I only wanted to do His will. I certainly didn't want my own heart to deceive me. But I never heard anything more from the Lord so it seemed to me that it must be His will for me to speak of marriage. It was exciting but also quite scary. As the time arrived that fateful Tuesday evening, I continued praying and asking God for His will and to stop me and show me if I was wrong, but as I walked closer to Kees's house, it seemed to me that I wouldn't hear anything more from the Lord and I prayed just two requests:
1) That He would provide an opening for me in the conversation so that this talk would come about in a natural way and
2) if I missed the opportunity that He would give me one more chance.
Kees and I had a pleasant time together that evening while he cooked supper and we chatted amiably but it seemed to me that time was dragging on forever with no opening in the conversation. Then suddenly the time came when Kees asked me, "So, what do you think about our relationship?" Finally, there was the opening!!! I then told him what I thought the Lord had been telling me. I was greatly surprised when he said that he believed that God was telling him the very same thing, that it was His will that we get married and that he was to tell me this very same evening. In fact, that was the reason why he had invited me over for supper!! I was flabbergasted! In those two days leading up to this moment I had been so concerned about hearing from God that I had not considered how Kees would respond and now he was telling me the exact same thing! As we began to discuss this the phone rang and after a short chat on the phone, Kees told me that that was his sister who had phoned to tell him that today was the anniversary of the death of his mother. She had died when he was just nine years old and he had struggled to come to terms with this. As he shared this with me, this verse from the scriptures came to my mind:
(which talks about Isaac taking Rebekah to be his wife.) I shared this scripture with Kees and he was very touched and believed that this was confirmation that the Lord was bringing us together in marriage. For us, that evening was our engagement. Neither of us are traditional or conformists in any way and a celebration party never entered our minds. Simply the knowledge of God's will and agreement of marriage was for us our engagement. We announced it to our congregation at the following congregational meeting. At the end of the meeting someone came up to me and offered me the loan of her wedding dress. I had not had time to think about that and I wouldn't have had a clue as to how to go about finding one. I'm also not a flamboyant person and have always shied away from the spotlight so I had never had dreams of a big wedding with a fancy, white dress. This dress was without flare, simple and sweet and exactly to my liking and fitted me like a glove. Everything else fell into place too. Kees's kibbutz mother, a natural in the kitchen, took it upon herself to do all of the catering. What a wonderful gift!!
There was not a lot of organising for us to do--just as well as we didn't have a clue. We organised our wedding invitations a week before the wedding! We had to make up our own marriage vows which was not a problem and I had to buy myself a pair of shoes which went well. We also had to arrange a second wedding overseas. That is because according to Israeli law, a couple can only get married if they are of the same religion. In a situation where there is a believing couple from different religions, one being Jewish and the other not, they will get married before their congregation and then take a honeymoon trip overseas to get married just for the paperwork. (And some people may do it the other way around, first paperwork overseas and then marriage before the congregation.) Besides these issues, I still had to tell my parents.
I had not been living at home for several years already and I was almost thirty years old so I didn't feel that I needed to ask permission to get married. But I was wondering how this would work out. I'm the youngest of three, none of whom were married (and today I'm the only one). My father was greatly frustrated and aggravated that none of us were married and would often challenge us about it. It didn't help either that we had broken up relationships and turned down proposals. My father was not a believer and I was quite bold in my faith. He must have thought he was dealing with a lunatic when he would challenge me about finding a husband and getting married and I would answer, "I know that God is going to bring me someone one day!" He would get very angry with me when I would say that but he didn't know how to argue it so he would be speechless!! Now I was finally going to get married. But to a Goy!! Oy!!! In the average Jewish family, that's a tragedy! Religious families will light a candle and say prayers for the dead, disowning their child who they feel has betrayed them and their religion. I didn't come from a religious family so I knew that it wouldn't go that far but I didn't really know what to expect. I had been forbidden to go out with non-Jewish boys as a teenager and my father had once exploded when a non-Jewish boy phoned up for me! I'm not by nature a trouble maker and hate to rock the boat so this was not an easy situation for me. My parents were not in the country when my engagement took place so I wrote them a letter telling them that I was going to marry a non-Jew who loves Israel and the Jewish people and that we would remain in Israel. All true, except that God unexpectedly led us out of Israel eight years later. The reply I received was that they were ecstatic and I was greatly relieved! Apparently my father had received the news while he was playing a game of lawn bowls and had gotten so excited that he couldn't play properly after that.(Lawn bowls is an outdoor game especially played in the English speaking countries such as England, South Africa, New Zealand, Australia but also Israel, and played mostly by elderly people. The bowls are big heavy balls which do not roll straight and the object is to hit or come as as close as possible to the little white ball which is called a Kitty or Jack. It is not well known in Holland although they do play it here but usually indoors, most likely because of the weather. When played outdoors the grass needs to be delicately groomed and taken care of which is the job of the greens keeper. Here are some links which give an idea of the game.)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J_nR8mJEK8&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0EIXv02aO0&feature=related
Lawn bowls was my fathers beloved sport and though he had only met Kees once, he had possibly heard about him because of Kees's then present job as a lawn bowls greenkeeper as Kees was known amongst some of the bowlers. My father was an exceptionally social person, and lived for his bowling days and the social opportunity to be amongst so many people of his own kind, mostly from England and South Africa. Kees also loved the game and during our married years, it was wonderful that they had something in common to talk about. Perhaps knowing that Kees was a greenkeeper helped to soften my father's heart, or perhaps his heart didn't need softening because he was so happy and relieved that finally one of his children would be getting married, even though to a goy. We had to wait nine months for my parents to come back to Israel and we got married soon after they arrived. Unfortunately, they were so ashamed of my faith that they refused to have me invite any of their friends as it was a Messianic wedding with Kees preaching the gospel and definitely not a traditional kind of Jewish wedding.
Kees and I didn't lived happily ever after as one would hope for and expect. In fact, during our engagement it became evident that this relationship was no fun at all, but rather a trip through hell! All was fine during the first two weeks of our engagement and then I recall Kees one day telling me that he thought he needed counselling. I couldn't quite understand this because I didn't know a whole lot about his background, nor did I understand to what extent he was affected by his difficult past but soon after that he changed drastically from being a nice guy to being an angry person who was impossible to get along with. Our engagement was a terrible experience for me and the elder and pastor of our congregation seemed to think that it was fine that we get married, never considering that we shouldn't marry or should rather wait. Even though we never hid our troubles from them I can only reason that God blinded them to the seriousness of our situation because this was His will for us. During that time, I often questioned if this was God's will for us but God was nowhere to be found and I felt like I was a deer paralyzed by the oncoming, blinding lights of a car, not knowing what direction to run in. It was with fear and trembling that I said my marriage vows nine months later! We both made up our own vows and specifically said that we would never get divorced but in troubled times would turn to God which was a bold and frightening statement of faith seeing that our relationship was already a complete disaster. We both brought in a lot of baggage from our past and for the next ten to fifteen years I felt as though I was living on the edge of a tornado. Throughout the hell I often questioned if I really did hear God's voice telling me that it was His will for us to get married or if I was just fooled by my own desire to get married. Kees has never doubted and at this stage, I don't question or doubt it anymore. I believe it was God's will and I see the situation today differently than what I saw then. The bottom line is that I thought that a good marriage is a sign of being in God's will and a bad marriage being out of the will of God. But I don't believe that anymore. I believe that God specifically brings us all kinds of difficulties in life which can include a difficult marriage, in order to mold us into the image of Yeshua and to perfect our faith.
If someone were to ask me what was the problem in our relationship and how did God fix it, this is how I would briefly sum it up: We could not have a five minute conversation or more likely a one minute conversation, without fighting like cat and dog, not physically but verbally and very fiercely. We also suffered humiliation knowing that people could hear us, especially me, screaming all the way down the road. There's more to it than that but that part is pretty basic. I mean, if you can't hold a simple conversation then there's no relationship! The fact is that neither of us could control what was going on. Whatever one of us would say, would trigger a fierce reaction in the other. Life became a dark and frightening nightmare with no end in sight and I recall one period early in our marriage where I sometimes had a vision of myself hanging down the top of a cliff, somehow managing with one hand to grip onto a few blades of grass, a picture of how vulnerable I felt, coupled with a sense of foreboding doom. Also, for many years, though I prayed and read the bible, God was silent. I felt that I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death without hope for a better future and I continually felt on the edge of an emotional breakdown. Barely a day went by when I wasn't crying my heart out and I lived in that sick state for many years.
How was this relationship fixed? Through the recognition of our sins and weaknesses and repentence. I was mostly blind to my own sins and weaknesses. There were very gradual changes when Kees would repent but it took more than ten years before I saw how my own reactions were also sins and weaknesses which I needed to repent of. Because I felt that I was a victim, I was blind. And though my sins may not have been great, they certainly stood in the way and I think that the greatest changes have come about in these last few years when I started taking responsibility for my own hard to see sins and weaknesses. Today we seldom fight, we get on really well and we can talk and talk and talk. And we laugh a lot too, also at the things we've been through and the things that are still not totally fixed. There's still room for improvement but I can say that God has done and is continuing to do great miracles in our relationship and we are both glad, not only that we did not divorce but that God brought us together in marriage. But we had to go through at least about thirteen years of sheer hell before I began to see a small glimmer of hope. When God tries us we need to learn to endure!!
To anyone with a difficult marriage, I would say, turn to God! Paul had a time of boasting. Let me boast too!! It would be hard to find a marriage more disastrous than what we had. How many people can say that aside from other severe problems that they couldn't even have a conversation that wouldn't erupt into screaming and shouting within about a minute, constantly, day in and day out, and that that situation lasted for more than thirteen years. Often enough, I would run out of the house crying or dissolve in my bed in tears and I would be physically weakened and shattered for days, never having had a chance to recover from the previous episodes. We had severe communication problems and no counsellor or psychologist had succeeded in helping us! If God could fix up our marriage, He can fix anyone's! I have no doubt about that and it was well worth waiting for!! And God is not finished with us yet. He is raising up both of us to become overcomers- to overcome sin, self, and satan.
John.16: 33
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Considering my own testimony of surviving the depths of hell in a disastrous marriage and the rate of divorce, I continue to search for the truth regarding how to understand God's will in this issue. I was never able to divorce simply because of my marriage vows and I began to look into the issue of vows.
What is a vow?
A vow is a solemn promise made either to a person, to God or both. According to Merriam Webster's dictionary--a solemn promise especially one by which a person is bound to an act, service or condition. In 2 Sam. 21:1, David sought the face of the Lord because of a prolonged famine in the land. God answered and revealed that Saul had broken a vow by slaying Gibeonites when Israel had sworn to spare them. So the breaking of this vow was the cause of the famine. Now it was up to King David to put it right and this he did. This speaks to me of how seriously God considers the breaking of a vow. Marriage vows are consciously made between three-- God, a man and a woman, who declare a commitment of love and service to one another until death and this is made in the presence of witnesses. How much more serious can a marriage vow be?! How can God possibly approve of the breaking of those vows for any reason?! I can't believe that God takes a marriage vow any less seriously than the vow that was taken between Israel and the Gibeonites. I do believe though that when people recognise that they have broken a vow and they repent of it that God is merciful and will forgive them, just as he forgave the Israelites when King David put the situation right with the Gibeonites and so God healed the land. But the point I want to make here is that I don't believe that there is ever a good enough reason in God's eyes to break this solemn promise. Even if our spouse in some way chooses to break their vows, we still ought to be responsible in keeping our vows irrespective of their behavior and actions. As the saying goes in English--two wrongs don't make a right!
Jas.5: 12
In the above verse James is telling us to avoid oaths whenever possible, no doubt because of the sheer gravity of them but obviously in the case of marriage vows we are to stick to our word. This is something that I think that all people walking with God should take particularly seriously. When we do not stick to our word we are showing that we are not to be trusted. Unfortunately most people stick to their word in everyday things yet they break their marriage vows. I don't mean to downplay the serious problems and deep pain in marital problems but nevertheless, God calls us to persevere in all kinds of difficulties in this life. By cleaving to Him in the raging storms, His good will shall be done in our lives and by enduring the storms we can rest knowing that He approves of us.
If we are suffering in our marriage, we should consider that God planned it for us in order to refine us. (Even if we know that our marriage was a mistake, we are still bound by our vows and God will work it out for good in our lives if we cleave to Him in love.) When going through difficulties we must ask ourselves if we are walking in unconfessed sin or if there is something that we need to overcome. It is so easy to point our finger at the other person whose sins are possibly far more blatant than our own but we still need to look inside our own hearts and see if we don't have anything that may be less severe, perhaps tiny in our own eyes, but which is still sin in God's eyes which we need to repent of and overcome. I felt that I was an innocent victim, had no glaring sins that I could see and I was blind to the sin in my heart. Only when I started repenting after many years of suffering did things gradually begin to change. When reading or hearing about how pastors and counsellors think and go about this issue, I have never come across this point of view before, about challenging the 'innocent person'. The hearts of parents, friends and counsellors will naturally go out to the so-called victim, wanting to rescue him or her without considering that perhaps God is sending them a trial perfectly suited for them. (I am not suggesting that we allow someone to be physically abused!) I'm convinced that people in relationship difficulties, especially the 'innocent party' needs to consider this issue and look deeply into their hearts for sins of reaction, such as resentment, anger, oversensitivty, self-pity, rage, etc and then repent. It is being in the furnace that brings out the impurities! Unfortunately, the 'victim' may at times be encouraged to separate or divorce by well-meaning people when God wants to use those circumstances for good in their lives. Counsellors, pastors, parents or brothers and sisters in the Lord could be seeking to relieve the victim of a cross that God has given them to bear and though God's plans are sometimes terribly difficult and possibly even frightening, they are always good! After all, even the victim is not perfect, and that is eventually what caused me to search my own heart a bit deeper-- the knowledge that I am not perfect and I found it strange that I couldn't see any sin in my heart. After so many years, it gradually dawned on me that I must be blind!
My sins were easily missed by me because they were sins of reaction which initially I had never thought of as something evil which I needed to repent of. Finally, after many years, the only thing that I could see was that I had a raging anger towards Kees which I confessed to him whenever we had an argument. I wasn't totally convinced that it was sin but I sensed that I needed to accept it as sin and repent. In time, other things came to my mind such as resentment, self pity, hardness of heart and oversensitivity-another area that I wasn't convinced of initially but although I had my doubts, I sensed that I needed to repent of that and later I saw that I had a big problem in that area. It is also very easy to become demanding and insist that the other person change their ways. But we have no right to demand changes from other people, only a responsibility to fulfil our vows without pointing to our spouses wrongdoing. Neither Jesus nor the Holy Spirit was ever demanding. Nor did Jesus defend himself when being led to the cross and we are called to follow in his footsteps. Are we able not to defend ourselves?
According to the above verse, sin begins with a thought and this also applies in the issue of divorce. You are already sinning if you're beginning to dream about divorce as that is the beginning of the process that brings it about. This was something else that I repented of because instead of believing that God would do a miracle when He had already proven Himself to me so many times beforehand, I chose instead to fantasize about how wonderful it would be if I were divorced. God convicted me when I read that our vows are like anchors. We need to lean on them in rough and stormy seas! We don't need to consider the anchor in smooth waters! I'm very grateful that God convicted me of my sin, which led to repentence which in turn led to our situation slowly turning around.
Are there ever occasions when God will allow divorce? What about physical abuse, a partner going to jail, a partner becoming a permanent part of another family or indulging in some kind of terrible sin? I believe that none of these things can justify the breaking of a vow because the vows are till the death of one of the partners. In a situation of physical danger, I would advise a temporary separation to protect life while continuing to pray for the spouse, accepting that you are still married and believing that God will do a miracle whenever and however He chooses, even if it takes many years. If we look to Jesus as our example then we know that we have no rights, not even a right to a happy marriage or a comfortable life, only a responsibility towards God and towards our spouse, to pray for them and support them spiritually however we can. Why are we getting married? To have a good life or because we believe that it's God's will that we get married? Do we choose to be responsible no matter what the cost or do we refuse to settle for anything less than our dreams of happiness?
What about separation to take a break during a time of stress in the relationship? Personally I'm not in favour of that as I see it as taking a small step in the wrong direction and Satan will do his best to deceive us, even by having us take baby steps in the wrong direction. In my own case, had I had the opportunity to separate for a short while, I may not have had the courage and determination to get back together again. Paul also does not recommend separation:
This implies that divorce is acceptable if that is in the heart of the non-believing spouse who doesn't know any better or doesn't have regard for God in his or her life. So for the sake of peace, we must let them have their way and the believer is then not walking in sin by separation or divorce unless they initiate divorce or without a conscience happily go along with the process of divorce. As followers of Christ we must do whatever we can to keep our vows. Paul said in Romans 3: 4: Let God be true though every man be false. In the same way I say, let every follower of Christ remain true, though their spouse may be false. Let us look to Christ as our example.
Perhaps that is a bit harsh for some people but after walking through what I went through with the little faith that I had, I am unable to think any differently now. I had more than thirteen years of sheer and utter hell and God is now doing something good because we refused to give in and break our vows but chose instead to look to Him. I'm so grateful that I never gave in after five or ten years or even thirteen years or fifteen years when things were still not rosy, but rather did my best to persevere in the circumstances with little hope in sight and now we are reaping the blessings. I'm convinced that had I divorced I would have found great relief and happiness. I may have even thought that it was God's will that I get divorced and that finally I was reaping the blessings of His deliverance but I certainly would not have been blessed to the extent that I am now. Nor would I have had God's peace and approval for having stood in the midst of a trial and my children would have been left without a father. My children would also not have witnessed the miracle of what God can do when we surrender our lives to Him. Most likely I would have had to go out to work and would not have been very available to my children. Or would I perhaps have remarried and finally found happiness as is sometimes the case? I can imagine that in that case I may have been convinced that now God was finally blessing me because I had made the right moves! Somehow it is embedded in peoples minds that if we are happy, particularly in marriage, then we are in God's will and if we are going through hardship then we are not in God's will. But in fact the opposite is sometimes true! Had I found happiness through divorce and a possible remarriage I would have been left scarred and embittered from the terrible trauma of a broken and irreconcilable relationship. That kind of marred happiness cannot compare with the triumph and joy of overcoming the problems and being reconciled to one another. God had to deal with our hardness of heart so that we could be reconciled to one another. He humbled me under His heavy hand and through reconciliation I have been able to receive His healing for my wounds. Fixing a broken relationship is far better than divorce, even an amicable one, as well as remarriage, and it is certainly far more rewarding. Yet today, even if my marriage were still hell, I would still not be able to divorce because of my vows. Perhaps someone will justify divorce because their partner has a medical lable. I don't know about marriage vows with a clause that says something about a medical lable, only death and although neither Kees nor I had a medical lable, that may only be because we never went to a psychiatrist or psychologist who gave us one.
According to the New Testament, divorce may be permissable in cases of adultery, at least that is how it is often interpreted. But I have always struggled to accept that. Could God really be giving us permission to break our vows? But recently I came across an interesting article which states that this verse in the Latin and Greek was changed so it is therefore also incorrectly translated. Where it is written in Greek except should actually read not even for. So the verse should actually read:
http://morechristlike.com/except-for-%20fornication-clause-of-matthew-19-9/
This makes far more sense to me than what is the acceptable translation and interpretation because I don't believe that there is ever a good enough reason to break a vow and although adultery is not mentioned in the following verse, Jesus is clearly advising against it.
My stand on this issue may sound harsh and unreasonable but nowhere in the New Testament can we find a place where it is recommended in certain circumstances to either divorce or remarry. Nowhere! Even the disciples of Jesus found his words hard to swallow, yet these are the words of God Himself:
Jesus's sayings were at times hard to understand and accept and so it is with this one and I know that many people will disagree with me. But can we put our pain and logic aside for a moment and try to consider the heart of God in this issue? Divorce means that we are breaking our promise to Him! As for hardness of heart, I know from my own experience that even a victim can be swept into that. Personally, I believe that Jesus is telling us that the best possible plan for us is to submit to God's perfect will no matter what the circumstances and that once you are married, nothing on earth should prize the couple apart.
God has proven to be a God who is loyal and faithful to His people in spite of their continual adultery and idolatory. We can read about that throughout the Old Testament and the book of Hosea gives a good picture of how God has remained faithful to His people till today because of His covenant while they continued to go astray. That brings to my mind the issue of replacement theology, the theory that due to Israel's constant backsliding that God has replaced her with the church as His chosen one. But according to God's character that is impossible! In psalm 89 it is written:
God refuses to go against the covenant which He made. Should we? God is trustworthy, loyal and true, certainly far more so than man. The situation may be an impossible one but by abiding in God, He can change either the circumstances or the hearts of one or both of the partners. Divorce is often caused by, or will lead to hardness of heart which will lead to bitterness and this is definitely not desirable. Though in cases of adultery, divorce may not be considered sin by most people, I believe that it is and I find it hard to bear with the thought that counsellors and pastors recommend it, sometimes even going so far as to celebrate a remarriage. Remarriage is clearly not scriptural!
I cannot believe that God finds divorce or remarriage acceptable. Rather, I'm convinced that God is deeply grieved. There is a far better and desirable way, a much harder way, one that will not declare defeat and bring shame to the name of God but rather walk through the valley of the shadow of death, trusting in the Almighty that He will lead us out of the valley and into the promised land. This is the way of death to self and losing our lives. It is also the way of faith, loyalty, devotion, love and trust, firstly a devotion and trust towards God that He is in control and then a devotion, perhaps undeserved, towards a wandering spouse. Yes, it is humanly impossible to love someone who may be doing us great wrong and hurting us badly but God has a high calling for those who want to follow Him.
Jesus said that we can't do anything without Him and we will not be able to love our enemy unless we are abiding in Him. Paul says that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. Love and loyalty is is not a feeling but firstly a decision and we will be able to weather the storm if we abide in Him.
This is my view and interpretation of how God views divorce. I don't mean to bring controversy by stating my views nor do I want to upset anyone who is already divorced. Rather I hope to lead people to what I believe is the truth, hopefully leading people to reconsider a decision regarding separation or a divorce already in progress or if someone is already guilty of the sin of breaking marriage vows then I hope that through this message they will repent. Even if you've long been divorced, it's never too late to repent and receive God's forgiveness, love, mercy, comfort, healing and blessings. His mercies are new every morning and He longs to bless us and have us walk in harmony with Him!!
Someone may ask, what if our spouse gets out of the relationship and gets a new family, is the other person then still bound? Most people will view their marital vows like a building contract or some such agreement. If the one person doesn't fulfil his duties then they are free from theirs. But I believe a marriage vow is different to a contract. A contract is made between two people. If you don't pay the rent the landlord has the right to chuck you out. Fair enough! But a marriage vow is made between three and primarily God. I didn't just make a promise to my husband but to God in the presence of witnesses and my promise is not dependent on how my spouse relates to me. So even in those circumstances I would still consider myself bound in marriage and I believe that that is the main reason why Jesus tells us not to remarry--because we are still bound to our spouse by our vows even if they have rejected us and have a new family. Even if my spouse rejects me by committing adultery and gets temporarily or even permanently in another relationship, should I commit adultery by seeking another relationship and remarrying? I could not. Did God decide to choose another people because Israel rejected Him, time and time again by committing adultery and idolatory? I have chosen to look to God to be my example rather than look to the rest of the world. But I can understand the terrible emotional pain of someone who has been rejected and who finds it difficult to accept that they cannot remarry. God knows your pain and has written this for those who are suffering:
For those who have been rejected, God is now your Husband. It may be hard to find satisfaction in Him but He wants you to come to Him and seek Him wholeheartedly and He will supply your every need, emotional needs too. It is actually a great privilege because He will fulfil your needs in a far greater way than any earthly husband could. Yes, it is unfair and it hurts like mad to be rejected. A trust has been broken and that is no small thing! But lean on Him and cleave to Him, your Creator who made you, the Great One who is Loyal, Faithful and True and He will bring you healing.
But after saying all of that, let me say that there is one occasion where I think that it is okay to remarry and that is when people have gotten divorced as non-believers and later turn to God. In that case, I believe that God wipes a person's past clean. It is as if we never sinned. As it is written, we become a new creation or new creatures in Christ.
I believe that this is the only time that people can begin over again, marrying as if it were for the first time. I must stress though that this is only my opinion! If anyone is in this kind of situation then please don't take my word for it, but seek God on this issue!!
God's great goal is to mold us into the image of Yeshua and He can only do that if we walk with Him through pain and difficulties, even the valley of the shadow of death--death to self. But He cannot do that work in us if we are delivering ourselves by running away from difficult circumstances. Our trials, whatever they may be are our cross, and we need to be careful that we don't lay it down and take the wide path. Yes, there may be times where it is God's will that we walk away from certain situations but we need to learn to discern the will of God in all circumstances because generally running away and certainly divorcing may well be an escape of our own making which is not God's will.
When I first got married and suffered so much I wondered if I hadn't made a mistake. Today, I don't think I made a mistake and if I did it really doesn't matter because of God's goal- to purify me from all of my sins and mold me into the image of Christ. Whether I made a mistake or not, His goal is being fulfilled in my marriage. But I honestly think that God specifically brought me someone who for me was impossible to deal with, where I would need to throw myself on Him and depend on Him to solve all of the problems and where He would get the glory. We were just an impossible match and I had no choice but to lean on God and cleave to Him in love and desperation. Most of the time we could not find anyone to help us and we could never figure out why God would not lead us to a good counsellor or psychologist who could help us. Now I know, that God wanted us to go to Him and not depend on people! I'm not implying that people shouldn't go for counselling, only that in our case it became evident that it was not God's way with us. At this stage I am convinced that God brought us together, not primarily to make us happy but rather to purify us by taking us through a fire and the result of that is happiness or rather great joy. Ultimately, He does prosper us but often He first leads us through the wilderness before we can come into the promised land.
We need to be aware that God often calls His chosen ones to go through periods of unbearable suffering in order to refine them. King David spent many years on the run from King Saul and at times was no doubt terrified seeing that His life was in danger. Job was also chosen by God to suffer for a period of time for a good purpose and the same with Joseph and the list goes on. We cannot see what God is doing when we are going through the trials and nor could the Old Testament saints understand what was going on until after the trial had passed. One of the things that God has shown me is that we need to learn to focus on Him in the midst of storms and experience His peace rather than getting wrapped up in the circumstances of what we are going through. The only way we can learn that is by spending time with Him in the midst of our trials and keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus rather than the wind and waves. Remember that Jesus never rebuked Peter for stepping out of the boat but rather because he didn't fix his eyes steadily on Jesus and therefore began to sink when he saw what was really happening.
I'm convinced that God prepared this marriage trial for me. I don't think it would have been a problem for God to have brought me someone whom I easily could have gotten along well with, but had He done so I would not be the person I am today. Without knowing it I would have been very egotisical. Not only would it not have purified me but it would have led to idolatry because that person would have been on the throne of my heart instead of God or together with God but God will not share Himself with another. He is a jealous God and wants us all to Himself without any competition! Because of what I went through I learnt to give God the throne of my heart and my husband takes second place instead of first place.
God has done miracles and wonders in our marriage and is continuing to use it to refine our characters. His good and wonderful work continues on and I praise His great and wonderful name! But it took at least thirteen years before there were any signs of improvment and it began with repentence. I'm glad that I never walked out of marriage but instead turned to God and allowed Him to lead me to the cross where self could be crucified. To God I give the glory! May His name be praised in all the earth.