Those early years of marriage were filled with confusion, searing pain and intense misery. Our relationship was so bad in the first few years of marriage that it was impossible to ever hold a conversation without it erupting into a screaming match almost immediately. Even a bible study we once tried to have exploded almost immediately in a terrible fight. People could obviously hear the screaming from all over the neightbourhood and it was a wonder that there was never any physical violence between us. The air was always thickly filled with aggression from both sides and I found it frightning, wondering what would happen if I lost control and pounced. I had lost my temper many times as a child when my brother had teased and provoked me and it had happened once in school-- I don't recall why I was provoked but I was about ten years old when I lost my cool and before I knew what had happened, I had punched the strongest boy in the class in the jaw and left him crying. With my brother who was five years older than me, I was always the loser and sorely paid for it. Only my fear of being beaten up by Kees held me back and unbeknown to me during those hellish years, Kees who knew well my testimony of wanting to murder my mother as a teenager, would sometimes go to bed at night wondering if he would wake up in the morning! But I was not haunted by those kind of thoughts. I was just greatly bewildered and hurt at having to go through this 'close to violent' relationship. Nothing made sense. I had gone through hell as a teenager at home, then years later had given up the most wonderful relationship and future to follow God and now this!! I had trusted absolutely in God's love and goodness. In fact, I had been convinced for years that I was precious to God and that He loved me with a tremendous love. I had wholeheartedly, without any doubt whatsoever, expected Him to reward me with a fantastic marital relationship, even better, if that could be possible, than the previous relationship which I had given up for Him. I had expected my Deliverer, my Great and Powerful God, to shower me with extravagant blessings because of His great love for me and my great sacrifice for Him. I don't think that this was arrogance. I simply trusted wholeheartedly in the tremendous goodness and love of God and I believed with the pure faith of a child that a blessed and prosperous life would be the outcome of His great love for me. So now I wondered if it was God's will that we had gotten married. Had I somehow been led astray by the desire to get married? At first, I had been convinced that God had put us together but I often wondered if I had been mistaken. Or was God perhaps just trying me by putting me together with someone that I couldn't get on with. But my heart was continually bursting with pain and it was impossible to work through the problems because of the constant fighting. After some months it was so bad that it just seemed impossible to me that God, who is so good and trustworthy, would allow me to suffer to such an extent. It all seemed so senseless so I concluded therefore, that I must have made an awful mistake by getting married and that there was no hope for this relationship. It seemed as though we were stuck in a dead-end and there was no way out. There was no-one to whom we could turn for help and divorce was out of the question due to our marriage vows. I simply could not figure out what was going on and why, and how to make things better. What was worse is that I continued to pray and read my bible and yet there was no sign of God. It was as though He had disappeared from my life and I was left alone in great turmoil and chaos. It was a frightening situation with no hope in sight!
One bright spot in the darkness is that I immediately fell pregnant after we married. It seemed to me that perhaps this was God's seal upon our marriage. I couldn't leave if I wanted to, certainly not with a baby on the way and nowhere to run to. The pregnancy went smoothly and it was exciting for me to experience a new life growing inside of me. But amidst the excitement was the constant and extreme pain and turmoil of a horrendous marriage and no sign of God. I would daily turn to Psalm 91 which comforted me for many months but eventually I had to stop reading this particular psalm as my faith was crushed by pain and anguish and it seemed to me that every line in that psalm was just lies and an illusion. My hope was gone! I was totally shattered! I knew that God was real and that He loved me. I could not deny that as He had revealed Himself to me but it seemed as if He was rejecting me now. Though I couldn't read that particular Psalm anymore, I continued to pray and read the bible and somehow put my trust in God. Finally I gave birth early one beautiful, close to spring morning on February 15th, right in the middle of the Gulf War. It was an unexpectedly traumatic birth with difficulties for both the baby and myself but fortunately due to the prayers of believing brothers and sisters (at 4.am!) and the alertness of the doctors, we both survived and I was grateful to receive a beautiful, healthy baby boy whom we called Aviv which means spring (the season). He was circumcised when he was eight days old and a few weeks later we held a ceremony in our congregation where we dedicated this lovely baby boy to the Lord. It was very much on my heart to publicly tell the Lord that this was His child, to do with as He chooses, and I would do my best to bring him up according to His will.
It was a beautiful experience for me to watch my baby grow and develop. I knew nothing about babies, have always felt awkward around little ones, not knowing how to relate but I was able to bond with my own child and he was obviously healthy and developing perfectly well according to the books. The only thing that marred my joy was our terrible marital relationship and God's seeming disappearance from my life. I often had a vision of myself hanging down from the top of a cliff with a few fingers of just one hand clutching onto a few blades of grass and just nothingness underneath me, a picture of my mental and emotional state. I was much more than just fragile or vulnerable. The chaos at home was horrific and I felt that I could lose my sanity at any moment.
Then one day, when Aviv was about 1+1/2 years old, I received a phone call from the pastor in our congregation. Someone, a tourist, was coming to our city that day and needed a place to stay for the weekend. Ironically, about the only thing that Kees and I could agree on was that we wanted our home to be open for visitors, so we agreed to let her come. In fact, we had several people staying with us over the years, some for a few weeks and one for a whole year, and I can't imagine how it must have been for them considering the difficulties of such a bad marriage. Not long after that phone call, Melanie arrived and all three of us sat down to talk. After a while she suggested that we pray which we did. When we finished praying she told us that she had a gift from the Lord, that while praying with others she would receive prophetic words from the Lord for that person. She had a word for Kees--that God was using him to convict people of sin in his work situation. For me, she saw me holding Aviv's hand with a baby in my arms and said that God was saying that He would restore me.
This was the first time in a several years that I experienced something of God in my life and this was something that gave me a much needed hope to grasp onto. Aviv was an adorable boy who in the midst of turmoil brought me much joy. And now God was telling me that I would have another child! Up till then, I hadn't thought about having another child. Suddenly another child seemed such a wonderful idea. I had received so much love and joy from Aviv and now I could receive twice as much with another child. (Ohhh, how naive I was!!) But it was also such an encouragement for me to know that God would restore me. Suddenly it became very important for me to get pregnant again knowing that I would be restored soon after giving birth. But getting pregnant didn't happen as simply as it did the first time. After about six months which seemed forever, I got pregnant but then miscarried. And after that nothing. I also went through a period of great turmoil because it seemed to me that I had nothing to give to the world, no natural talents or spiritual gifts that I knew of, not even money to buy anyone a gift if we were ever invited out, nor am I creative so it was impossible for me to make anyone a gift. I knew I was precious to God but at the same time I went through a stage where I felt absolutely worthless.
For several years I would often open up the bible at random and it would always fall open in Isaiah 54. I would read the words 'O afflicted one, stormed tossed and not comforted' and I would always feel as if God himself were speaking those words to me and acknowledging sympathetically what I was going through. And I would pray that He would teach my sons, as the verse goes on to say, because in my state of mind I felt as though I was unable to take care of my children or teach anything to Aviv and later Matanya. Another bible passage that I would frequently read and get comfort from was from Lamentations 3. I felt as though I was experiencing the same emotional anguish that Jeremiah was expressing.
It was interesting for me to read in verse 32 that the Lord causes grief. Actually it comforted me because I gradually realised that I was suffering not because of some gross sin in my life or a mistake that I had made but rather because God was causing me to suffer grief. And though my situation was totally different to that of Jeremiah, I too knew something about loneliness just as he did, for I also had no choice but to walk my path alone. I considered other people who suffer for whatever reason. How easy it is to describe the details of what they're going through to at least one person, a good friend perhaps and sometimes even publicly to ask for prayer. But because of the nature of our problems I could not turn to anyone. Though it was obvious to a few people that I was stuck in an impossible marriage, I felt that no-one understood to what extent I was suffering and how severely broken the relationship was, and marital problems are not something that can be publicly or even intimately shared with anyone else. Even when the Lord brought me a prayer partner there was only so much that I could share because my conscience would not allow me to break a trust in the marital relationship. In spite of my deep pain I still had to respect Kees, so I walked a lonely and heavily burdened path. I almost envied people who suffer some kind of terrible tragedy but can talk about it openly and express what they're going through and receive comfort, support and prayer. Daily, I felt weighed down by bearing such a heavy load that I felt I could barely crawl through the day. But I understood too that it is biblical to walk by faith and not by sight--to trust that God was with me and that He would restore me, even while everything around me looked so dark that I couldn't see Him or see any way out of my situation. I read these scriptures often in those days as they brought me much comfort and hope and I have so much grown to love the above passage of scripture as it finishes off with hope and trust in the character of God which strengthened my faith.
These feelings of turmoil and worthlessness increased with the miscarriage. I mourned for about six months and eventually I began to wonder if this word I received about having another child and being restored was perhaps not really a word from the Lord but rather a mistake. I felt the need for confirmation so one day, about a year after I received that word from Melanie, I prayed and asked God that if that word really was from Him that He would confirm it to me within a week. I think that Kees then had a change of routine and was home for a week and perhaps because of this change, I completely forgot about my prayer. Then about a week after I prayed for confirmation we went to our weekly congregational meeting. Nothing was out of the ordinary except that I remember a group of people that I hadn't seen before, about four men and one lady, all big, tall, tanned and mostly blonde. We often had tourists join us for meetings so there was nothing unusual about that. It seemed to me that these people were European but I never thought anything more about it.
The next morning I set out to go to the post office. I put Aviv in the pram and hadn't gotten very far when the wheel of the pram broke so I went back home to get the other pram. This one was bigger and heavier and because of that I needed to go to another post office which had less stairs but that wasn't a bother because it was almost the same distance, just a different route. On the way down this other road, I passed by a Swedish Hotel where European tourists would stay, many of whom are believers. A bit further on I saw a group of people coming towards me and as they drew closer I realised that this was the same group of people that I had seen the evening before at our congregational meeting. I thought that they must be Swedish and were probably staying at that hotel. We passed each other by but not long after that I heard someone behind me hollering. I turned around to look behind me and the lady in this group was waving at me. I waited as she came running towards me and we had a short conversation that went something like this:
"I saw you in the meeting last night and the Lord gave me a word for you. I looked for you after the meeting but I couldn't find you"!
"Oh, then it must be God's will that we meet now."
"Please excuse my English but I'll do my best. The Lord told me to tell you that He loves you, you are precious to Him, He is protecting you and He has wonderful plans for your family."
I thanked her, we embraced and went our own way. To this day, I don't know her name or who she was but I was so grateful that God used her to give me a word of encouragement. I continued to ponder on her words as I walked through town doing my errands. When I came home, I told Kees what had happened and he also found this quite amazing because it's not usual that a stranger will pop up out of nowhere and give you a word from the Lord as you are walking down the road! Then I sat down in the armchair, still trying to figure out why this had happened. Suddenly it hit me! This was God's response to my prayer asking for confirmation!! I was amazed because I had totally forgotten about that. How could I have forgotten such a thing?! But I was even more amazed that God in His faithfulness had chosen to answer my forgotten prayer. I felt sure that if He had not answered me that I wouldn't have known any better. But now something else began to bother me. There was no mention in this word of whether or not He would bless me with another child. I felt greatly disturbed because that was the important point that I felt I needed to hear to give me hope. I considered praying again and asking God for another confirmation but I didn't feel right about that. I felt as if that would have been testing God so I decided that I had no choice but to accept this word that I had received and put away my question of having another child. I buried this matter successfully until four months later when I woke up one morning feeling that I needed to know if God would grant me another child, a sign of Him restoring me so that I could have peace in this matter. I needed real hope to cling to, an assurance of God's good will for me in dark and trying circumstances. I felt that I had no choice but to ask God one last time for confirmation. The Lord knew that it wasn't my intention to test Him and at the very worst He could choose not to answer me. So I prayed and once again I asked the Lord if He would confirm to me within one week if I would have another child. This time I made sure that I would not forget this prayer and I took mental note as each day went by. When the last day arrived, I woke up and wondered to myself if God would choose to answer me this day. As usual, I fixed myself a cup of tea first thing in the morning and I sat down on the couch to read from my book of daily readings. Then it came to me in the second book of daily readings and this is what I read:
I didn't understand it well but the first line hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that this was God speaking to me! It was like a sword going through me. Guilt pierced my heart for not trusting in the last confirmation that I had received. But at last I had peace! I knew that God was speaking to me and that He was going to bless me with another child. I would not hope in something that wasn't real. Still my faith wasn't so strong and as more months went by without me getting pregnant, I finally went to the doctor to ask for a check up as I was wondering if there wasn't something wrong with me. But God didn't need help! He was able to bless Sarah with a child when she was past childbearing years. And previously Abraham had struggled to believe as God let Him wait and he made a bit of a mess of things. Fortunately the doctors never got a chance to touch me. I was told to come back at a certain time of the month which never arrived. Then one day, Aviv asked me for a peanut butter sandwich. When I finished making it, I licked the knife as I usually would and within a split second was hit with a wave of nausea. I stood stunned, unable to figure out what was going on. I come from a family who do not easily get sick, I was in the best of health and I recalled my mother sometimes commenting in the past that we all had cast iron stomachs because we didn't easily get sick from anything, including bad food. Then I suddenly realised that I could be pregnant and this I had confirmed a few days later. From the time I received the first word of the Lord from Melanie, until the time that I discovered that I was pregnant, it had taken me close to two years to get pregnant. Now that I think about it, it doesn't seem like such a long time to wait, especially compared to how long others may have to wait, but during a time of intense turmoil and emotional hardship where this was my only hope of deliverance, the wait had seemed never-ending.
Still, I had fears because it's fairly common to have a miscarriage within the first three months of pregnancy and I was still under enormous stress. I also had good reason to believe that severe stress and an enormous outburst of anger had been the cause of my previous miscarriage. There was not much improvement in our marriage and our financial situation was terrible which was an additional stress to me as I was dealing with the finances. Kees loved his job as a greenkeeper and worked hard outside in the blazing sun and intense heat for many hours a day and never had the time to deal with finances. However, this was something that I enjoyed and did have time for so it naturally fell into my hands. Yet Kees earned only enough money to last us for two weeks which is not an uncommon situation in Israel so this problem could not be solved by him switching jobs. We were never able to pay bills on time and quite honestly we could not even afford to eat. In spite of that, I allotted us forty shekels a week (perhaps something like the equivalent of ten dollars or 10 Euro's) to spend on food and other needs for the family (and two cats). This was an impossible situation although somehow we survived this for several years but the stress was severe and I often wondered if I would be able to get money from the bank in time for Kees to fill up the car with petrol to get to work. Fortunately, he never got stuck without petrol in all of those years of hardship. In those days, there was no such thing as a cheap treat because it was simply impossible, nor could I ever pick up a cheap toy for Aviv and I felt extremely poor and deprived as I saw the seemingly greater wealth of those around me. No doubt there are other people who are far worse off than what we were, but in my circle I never knew anyone who struggled as we did. Everyone that I knew of could afford at least a few small toys for their children or some small treats but most, if not all of our friends were simply unaware of the severity of our situation. This was extremely painful for me though somehow our very basic needs of food were always met as we had never gone hungry but I found the situation terribly nerve-wracking and I wondered at times if some company wasn't going to knock on our door to start taking furniture away because we were always several weeks late paying our bills.
I recall the time soon after I got pregnant with my second child that I went down the road one morning to buy nappies for Aviv which cost twenty shekels. This would cost exactly half our allotted money for the week. I went to the market to buy the cheapest kind and then took Aviv to the park to play in the playground. He was, and still is, a lovely, chatty, active boy, physically well coordinated beyond his years and it was obvious to me that he needed his time out every day to run around. It was my dream for him to do gymnastics because I could clearly see that he would love this and it would be great for his development but it had to wait many years because we couldn't afford it. (Years later, the Lord moved us to a tiny village in Holland, where to my great surprise and joy I discovered that they had gymnastics classes once a week across the road from where we lived and it was easily affordable to us at that time. Till today he loves this, continues to make progress and is now studying to become a coach). But meanwhile the playground was great for him. I usually took him twice a day and loved to watch him but in summer I would have to switch benches as the sun moved so that I could sit in the shade. After moving benches on this particular day, I later remembered the nappies. I glanced around me and then across to the bench where I had previously been sitting and to my horror I couldn't see them anywhere. I ran to the other bench in a panic but there was absolutely no sign of them anywhere. If I were to buy another bag of nappies then I would have absolutely no money left for food this week and I had to have those nappies as well as food to feed the family! I grabbed Aviv, put him in the pram, ran home, burst in the door and blurted out this story to Kees who was there with a brother in the Lord. I'm a reserved person. I don't easily express my feelings to others and take care not to lose control but the stress of this got the better of me. I lost all composure and in spite of a friend being there, I poured my heart out in anguish and cried uncontrollably! After a few minutes, I suddenly remembered that I had better get a hold of myself so that I wouldn't have a miscarriage. I managed to slowly calm down on the outside though I continued to panic on the inside. In the afternoon, I took Aviv to the park again and on the way out I found an envelope in the letter box. It was blank. I opened it up and found 400 shekels inside!! I realised that this must be from our good friend who had witnessed my outburst. This was totally unexpected. I was so relieved and grateful!! This was exactly ten times more than what I allotted ourselves for shopping every week! Now I would have enough money for both food and nappies and this would last longer than one week! The next day, our good friend brought over a big carton box which he and his wife had filled up with all sorts of things from their kitchen cupboard. And a few days later, he brought another box of things from their cupboard. Fortunately, my outburst never caused a miscarriage and God continued to provide for us in miraculous ways from time to time.
A few times my prayer partner gave us bags of fruit and vegetables from her own shopping. It was my first priority to give Kees a good meal when he came home and he would not have appreciated fruit and vegetables so for me those were luxury items which I could never afford to buy during those difficult years and I was extremely grateful to receive those gifts! Every year my parents went away on holiday and ever since Aviv was born my mother had taken it upon herself, without ever having discussed it with me, to bring back a whole suitcase filled to the brim with brand new baby clothes! This was God's provision through my mother and not once did we ever lack any baby or children's clothes, shoes, blankets, towels, you name it. What a tremendous gift, even more appreciated because we were so much in need. This was one area where there was absolutely no need or worry! In fact, till today she still brings clothes for my children! We couldn't afford to buy clothes for any of us but nor did we ever need to. God provided for us all! I had no problem wearing the same clothes even in my last months of pregnancy because they all were all loose and elasticized! But still, throughout my pregnancy and in spite of the help we received, I recall the great financial stress of struggling to pay bills on time which never happened and my daily cravings of cottage cheese which I couldn't afford to buy. But I did treat myself to the odd small container once every few weeks which I would carefully divide up into two miniscule portions so that I could have some for the next day too.
During my pregnancy, it became obvious to me that God would not restore me soon after giving birth but rather that this word I had received was like a seed that had to planted in the ground and my restoration would be a gradual process. Our relationship problems were just too severe to be able to be worked out so quickly but I was immensely grateful to have a word from God that I could cling to. We set about finding a name for this baby that was on the way. It was important to me that this would be an unusual name that would bring honour to God because of His wonderful word to me which gave me hope to cling to in difficult times. We settled on the name Matanya, a biblical name which means both 'gift from God' or 'given by God'. Besides honouring God with this name, I wanted this child and his name to be a reminder to me of God's great love, mercy and faithfulness in my life. Though Matanya is an uncommon name, he could also shorten it to Matan if he preferred as that is a fairly common Hebrew name and means 'given' but till today he has happily accepted his name. Again, the pregnancy went smoothly and this birth was slightly less traumatic than the first and so another beautiful boy was born, my second Gift from God. He too was circumcised on the eighth day but we didn't have a ceremony to dedicate him to the Lord because we had been in a congregational split and were no longer going to meetings. But the Lord knows that I dedicated this child in my heart to Him. The Lord set me free from slavery and the world, and revealed His great love to me many years ago. I am now His slave and I dedicate everything to Him in my life. Everything I have, my family, my boys, and all that I am belong to Him.
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How strange I found it, to suffer to such an extent considering that I so badly wanted God in my life and that I had tried to the best of my ability to live according to God's will. For several years, it had seemed to me as though I must have made a mistake in the area of marriage and that even though it was an innocent mistake, God had rejected me as there was no sign of Him. I had thought that God would reward me for the great sacrifice of giving up my relationship with Joey. I thought that God would surely bless me and make me happy and that that would be a testimony of His great love towards me. But seeing that I was suffering so badly I thought that I must have failed God in some way because instead of a testimony of God's blessing, I was in a pit of hell with no hope in sight. It was also very humiliating that I so much wanted to give a wonderful testimony to the world, as well as to brothers and sisters in the Lord as to God's faithfulness when we seek to do His will, yet what kind of testimony could we give? When we related to people how God brought us together and then the awful struggle we had which was also very conspicuous, it was no wonder that someone once responded to us with bewilderment on her face--'Peculiar'?! Yes, it was peculiar and very humilating!
But now I see the situation differently. I look to the Old Testament saints like King David, Joseph, Jacob, Job and Moses and see that God also took them through what King David called 'the valley of the shadow of death'. We can read these bible stories in a matter of fact way as though it was some kind of adventure and not notice their inner struggles or pain but if we actually meditate on what they must have gone through it must have been some kind of hell for them. I imagine that had Moses wanted to testify about God when he was in the desert for forty years or Joseph when he was in Potiphar's house or in prison, King David when he was fleeing from King Saul, Jacob during the years he was working for Laban or Job in the midst of his misery, that a testimony at that stage would also have sounded quite peculiar. Yet their trials were exactly what God had ordained for them. God builds up our faith through trials and He wants to mold all of His lovers and followers into the perfect image of Christ. But there is only one way to do it and that is to take us down rough, painful and challenging paths and that is not necessarily the right time to talk.
Is it possible that there were moments when David, Joseph and others also considered that because God was nowhere to be found that perhaps He had rejected them? Did they perhaps consider that they had somehow failed God? The bible speaks of their faith but faith grows amidst troubles, doubts and great hurdles. These men had great faith but we can also see here that David had his weak moments:
No doubt that David had tremendous faith. This was the man who through faith had killed Goliath. His faith had grown from his quiet moments with God, as well as the challenges of killing a bear and a lion..Yet in the above verse we see his fear rather than his faith. Yes, it was great fear that caused David to behave like a madman and this is the same man who wrote the following wonderful words of faith:
We can also see that God may lead us into deep and dark valleys, even drawing away on purpose while we are going through intense trials so that we will exercise our muscles of faith, in order to bring out the perfect trust and faith in Him. When we need Him most He seems to have disappeared and that is no accident. In the following Psalm we hear David express His anguish as he is suffering and God is nowhere to be found.
As the following scripture confirms, we can't always see Him or feel Him but we have to learn to trust that He is with us in spite of our circumstances and feelings and in this way we will grow in faith.
Without these challenges we cannot grow in faith and be molded into the image of God. God wants to raise us up to be overcomers and to do that we need to have challenges, something to overcome. Our faith has to overcome our doubts as well as our weak and sinful nature and God knows the ones He tries, that He can trust them to go through these severe trials and overcome the difficulties. Derek Prince writes about this in his book called The Marriage Covenant:
This was a very profound spiritual experience in which Abram, as a mature, committed believer went through terror and great darkness. Does your theology make room for that? Do you know that some of the greatest saints of God go through periods of spiritual darkness? It is not necessarily a mark of immaturity or weakness to go through darkness. In fact, God cannot trust the immature and weak with that kind of experience. He knows just how much each one of us can endure. Abram did not go through the darkness because he was weak or uncommitted, but he went through it because it was part of his total spiritual experience.
To the normal darkness of night is added the blackness of smoke belching from an oven. Frequently in Scriptures, an oven or a furnace typifies intense suffering. In Isaiah 48:10, God says to Israel: "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver: I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."
This applies at times to all of God's people. If you ever find yourself in the furnace, remember that that is where God refines you and tests you. How you react in the furnace will determine your destiny. You are not necessarily in the furnace because you are weak or backslidden or because you have failed God. You are in the furnace because the furnace does things for you that nothing else can do.
In his book Unlocking the Bible, David Pawson says: For a Christian, suffering for Christ is a proof of election, a mark of honour and a seal of faith. I recall in one of Rick Joyner's books where he said that our wounds are medals of honour in heaven. But I never read these words when I was going through tough times and though I understood that God allows us to suffer, I never imagined that God would bring us suffering and trials in such great intensity, lasting for so many years and that He would also withdraw Himself. This was very confusing for me. But now when I reflect on the Old Testament saints, their suffering was obviously intense and frightening for them and their trials lasted for many years. I remember thinking that my case was different to the saints in the bible such as Peter and Paul who were literally suffering for their faith while in my case it was just a bad marriage, as if that was somehow unspiritual. Today I see it differently. If you are living for God then every situation is spiritual, whether it is an abusive situation, sickness, torture, cleaning toilets, working as a factory worker, being a mother or working as a rubbish collector etc. What makes a person's situation spiritual or unspiritual depends on one's attitude of choosing to bring God into the situation. This is also the case with the Old Testament saints such as Job and Joseph etc. They were not suffering persecution due to their faith in the same way that Paul was, but it was God's will that they suffer in order to try their faith and they involved God in their sufferings.
Just about all the teaching we receive in this present age, gives us the impression that we ought to be prosperous and happy, especially in the area of marriage. We may be taught to look for suitable marriage partners with good qualities in order to have a good marriage. But considering that it is God's primary goal to give us an unshakable faith and mold us into the image of Yeshua, should we not expect Him to lead us into difficulties, even perhaps a difficult marriage? We are usually not taught that! What a shame! Personally I wish that someone would have given me that understanding. So when God brings us adverse circumstances or a bad marriage, we think that something has gone wrong somewhere.We must have made a mistake and God has rejected us. On the contrary!! Today I'm convinced that all that I have been through and continue to go through has been ordained by God and I rest in Him, knowing that it was His wonderful will to bring me the tremendous trial of a horrendous marriage in order to grow through it and overcome all obstacles. Now I have peace in my trials, knowing that He who has begun a good work in me will bring it to completion. I write this as an encouragement to other disciples of Christ who may be in terrible circumstances that may seem senseless and never-ending. God hears our cries and if we continue to walk with Him, He will use it for our good and restore us in His good time.
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Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse: "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3)
One lady proposed to visit a silversmith, and report to them on what he said about the subject. She went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "But Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?" "Oh, yes madam," replied the silversmith; "I must sit with my eyes steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."
The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.". God sees it needful to put His children into a furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure. Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "When do you know the process is complete?" "Why, that is quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."
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Another subject which was so disturbing to me in those days was that of feeling worthless and I write about this because I know that I am not alone in having gone through this and I want to encourage others who may be experiencing this. You see, God has a plan and that is to break us and even shatter us in order to remold us into something beautiful. It is impossible to be in the very process of being shattered and at the same time feel valuable because when we are shattered, we are simply shattered and not capable of being or doing anything other than being shattered. This process of breaking can take many years but there does come a time when God begins to restore us which is another process that can take years. In my own case, the issue of feeling worthy was also wrapped up in the issue of being able to give, as well as having some kind of earthly talent (I couldn't see any) and spiritual gifts (no sign of that either). I knew well that God loved me as I had literally felt His love for me when I was born again yet still, I felt absolutely worthless because I could see nothing in myself that could be considered useful or which seemed to be of any value. But later on, when God started building me up again, He led me to areas where I was able to give and this was a great surprise to me. I had already come to accept that I was not much use to God because of the way He had made me but He proved me wrong. Just the fact that I can now testify to His good work in my life through writing shows that I may have nothing to give to the world but that God did indeed plan that I would have something to do for Him and in that way be able to give. Later I learned that nothing is more important than worshiping God and being useful and active for God is no indication of our worth to Him. We can take Anna and Simeon as an example of two people who apparently did no great things. This is all that is written of them:
How many people would consider that their lives were of any value to God; yet obviously they are greatly beloved in God's eyes. And how many more people have lived as unknowns doing nothing special or useful, yet may have a very special place in God's Kingdom simply because they lived 100% for God and spent their lives worshiping Him, praising Him and interceding. But being out of the public eye, their lives may have seemed ordinary and not worth anything to those around them. The problem is that in our day and age, public ministry has become an idol and if you are not conspicuously doing something for God then it may feel as if He has passed you by but that is a lie from the enemy. What we do in private is of far more value to God.
We can also take Mary, the sister of Martha as an example. On one occasion she was listening to Jesus instead of helping her sister serve and on another occasion she poured extremely expensive ointment on Jesus, yet Jesus found these acts precious and defended her on both occasions. Listening to him was more important than serving! She did nothing useful in the eyes of anyone around her yet her attentiveness and extravagant love was precious in God's eyes. To those who suffer from feelings of worthlessness, let us learn from these examples!
Perhaps the only good works that we will have is our worship to God and if so then let us be encouraged that this is precious in His eyes! But why would God allow us, His beloved to go through times of feeling worthless? I believe that God wants it that way. As long as we can trust in our own strength and have confidence in ourselves then we cannot be of any use to God because then our being and doing comes forth from self and our own strength and not from Him. How then can He get the glory?! But by being totally helpless and knowing our need of Him, we can throw ourselves on Him and He will be pleased to act on our behalf.
In this respect I think of King David who it may appear was a confident type but I imagine that he too may have suffered in this area. He was the youngest of eight brothers and there is no sign of his relationship with his mother or family life in the bible when he was growing up, only that he spent his time alone tending the sheep. It's quite possible that he was starved of love and therefore had no self-esteem or confidence.
What may seem like confidence in his life was not confidence from self-esteem but rather absolute faith in the Lord through having a love relationship with Him. He had absolute confidence in God yet none in himself. Hear the words of the mighty warrior as he challenged Goliath:
David was not interested in fighting to prove how great he was. His only passion was to lift up the name of God, to vindicate and glorify His precious name. These were not the words of someone who had self confidence but someone who through His own need knew the power and love and mind of God. The basis of his faith came from recognising that apart from God he was valueless and also powerless. The more we see our need of God, the greater will be our need to depend on God and the greater our faith can grow. Self confidence will actually hinder our faith. David's brothers and the rest of the army may have had self confidence but that couldn't take them very far when they were confronted by the enemy. If we know that we can trust in ourselves, then our trust and faith in God cannot grow and will not be there to carry us through when we meet with the enemy. But for those who know that they are worthlesss and powerless and know their great need of God, they have the potential to learn to love and depend on God and if they cleave to God in love they will end up with a mighty faith in God, no less than David and other great men of faith.
Another bible character was Gideon, an unconfident person with faith the size of a mustard seed yet God chose him to do exploits in His name, no doubt to build up his faith. We can read about him in Judges 6, a wonderful story of what God can do with us if we put our trust in Him. We don't need to worry about self-esteem or confidence. We just need to give our lives over to God, to learn to walk with Him in all circumstances and to have our trust and confidence in Him and He will raise us up!! What a beautiful promise we have in the following verses: