Summer 2017 in The Feminist Psychologist
Anything Worth Doing Takes a Village
by Lauren J. Brown, PsyD
Founder of Concord Therapy LLC
drbrown@concordtherapy.com
After the birth of my first child, I was thrown into a certain state of helplessness that I had never before experienced. Over a decade of practice as a psychotherapist specializing in women’s issues went right out the car window as we drove home from the hospital with our baby during the Blizzard of 2015.
A few short months later, I returned to work, emotionally unprepared for the 10 plus hours of daily separation from my new baby while juggling a hectic schedule of daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, endless nursing and pumping, and trying to pick up right where I had left off as a co-worker, wife, daughter and friend.
It wasn’t easy. No, in fact it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I felt alone and embarrassed for the way I was struggling. I thought to myself, “How could I get blindsided like this?” I had read the recommended books and took the classes offered by our local hospital but had nothing prepared me for my new life.
Building the Village
At about four months postpartum and one month back to work, I recognized my need for a different level of support. I decided to send an email to all of the new moms I had met during my maternity leave and opened it with, “Anyone else feel like they are drowning?” Within minutes I had responses from eight other moms who were also in the throes of an impossible balancing act that we had never been prepped for. Could it be that I was not alone?
These women soon became my village. Every Thursday evening, for two years (and counting), we gathered together, babes in arms. We have seen each other through medical crises, marital woes, as well as a second generation of new babies, not to mention the endless parenting dilemmas. When one of us struggles, the text chain that is active nearly 24/7 is inundated with validating responses and an “all hands on deck” attitude, ranging from offers to run groceries, pick up the kids, or just bring over a pizza and bottle of wine.
Learning to Lean on the Village
I have noticed that supportive offers to help are often met with an appreciative and gracious, “Thanks so much! I’ll think I’ll be okay :)” Sound familiar? As women, we are socialized to recognize the needs of others. We are often genuinely happy to help a friend. We may be slower however when it comes to accepting that help – or perhaps in recognizing that our needs are valid enough to be deserving of someone else’s time and effort. Maybe the most generous thing we can do in our relationships is say, “Yes, please.”
You can build the village, but you also must access it. It is not only the scheduling of play dates and meet ups which help to combat new mom isolation but the feeling of union that is then created by giving and receiving of support. When I accept help, I am allowing the friendship to reach a deeper and more intimate level. When a friend accepts my help, I feel a more profound sense of connection with that person. In saying, “Yes”, we are opening up a two-way street, a relationship that is not afraid to ask for favors in either direction. As a busy parent, I will take all the favors I can get.
Helping Others to Build Their Village
At 18 months postpartum, I left my full-time job in corrections to open a practice working exclusively with individuals struggling during those tender childbearing years. I help them build their village, starting with me. When they have done that, I take joy that I am no longer needed. I realize that the resources I had to build my village are far greater than what many others have. I make it my priority to advocate on a state and national level for those same resources to be made available to all parents.
My struggle as a mom has led me to realize parts of myself I didn’t quite know existed. I am an entrepreneur, activist, and community organizer. I have had the opportunity to meet other women who are doing the same type of work; my local perinatal community has become yet another village.
On May 26th, Hillary Clinton gave a speech to the Wellesley graduating class of 2017. Listening to her, I thought of my own journey as a mom, “...Our culture often celebrates people who appear to go it alone. But the truth is that's not how life works. Anything worth doing takes a village.”