Fall 2012 in The Feminist Psychologist
Thirteen Gifts For My Daughter’s 13th Birthday!
by Jill Kuhn, PhD
“Promise me you’ll always REMEMBER: You’re BRAVER than you BELIEVE and STRONGER than you SEEM and SMARTER than you think.”
-Christopher Robin to Pooh
My oldest is turning 13, a huge milestone in any young person’s life. I want to give her a gift from my heart. I hope she will feel my love as deep and strong as ever and know my love is unconditional!
1. You are LOVED! I have loved you since before you were born. You are worthy of being loved by others and by your own self. I unconditionally love and celebrate all parts of you, not just the bright and sparkly ones. You have a tender heart and the world needs people who feel things deeply and care about others the way you do. Your sensitivity is not a weakness, but rather a strength. It is a gift that will help you connect with others in a very powerful way. You are enough!
2. Love Yourself. Love yourself first, then you can show care and compassion to others. Find those who not only want to be in your life, but who will work as hard as you will at having a good relationship. Let go of those who want you to put in all the effort or simply say they love you, but do not act in ways that are loving. The old saying, “walking the walking, not just talking the talk,” is a good litmus test. Love yourself enough to know when you need to walk away. Love yourself enough to insist on respect from others.
3. Feel your Personal Power. It’s a tough world out there but don’t let that keep you from being in charge of your destiny or underestimate your ability to walk through the difficulties in life and come out the better for it. There will be obstacles, but you are up for the challenge!
4. You are Unique! Let go of the shoulds and find your true self. Awards and prestige can be nice, but they gather dust and don’t give you a shoulder to cry on. The you that sings loudly, that can be silly with her friends and cares about those that are suffering is part of your uniqueness. As Judy Garland said, “Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.”
5. You are Beautiful! Look inside at all the gifts you hold and develop those and share them with the world. Don’t worry about being fashionable, or arranging your face, hair or clothing to please others. Please yourself! Use the body you were given and don’t let it keep you from swimming, running, ziplining or dancing.
6. Life Sometimes Hurts. We all have heartbreak, pain and loss. None of us gets a free pass on being hurt. Lean on others, be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to grieve and heal, count on your family and friends to walk this path with you. Know you have the strength to survive. These things will shape you and change you and help you be a better you, even though it may be too dark to see it in the midst of your heartache. I’m only a second away.
7. You Do Not Have to Be Perfect. Or anything close to it. Make mistakes. That’s how you learn. Get comfortable with your humanity. It helps you relate to everyone else who is figuring it all out too. You are a work in progress and allow yourself to be “good enough.” Be yourself, in all your beauty, which includes your imperfections. Get so good at making mistakes that you can even laugh at yourself! This is strength!
8. Define Yourself: Normal is a Setting on the Dryer. Don’t let others do it for you. Ignore the media messages, magazine articles, tv shows and peers that tell you what a teenage girl is supposed to be and do. Be you! Listen to the voice deep inside that knows who you are. Follow its compass. Take time to be still and quiet and hear your truth.
9. LIVE! Be Courageous! Take chances. Love, even if it does not last. Meet new people. Experience the world of others. Try new things. Reach out to the underdog. Live outside your comfort zone. Be the first to reach out or say, “I love you.” Feel gratitude. Experience joy! Embrace the unknown. Reframe it as adventure. There are no guarantees. Even with all the unknowns, feel the beauty of being alive!
10. Be Slow to Judge Others and Quick to Forgive! This is a gift from your grandma Gale. Some people are struggling with things we can’t see or know. Consider second chances if it doesn’t compromise your self-respect. Forgive those that hurt you, whether by accident or on purpose. That doesn’t mean you forget what they did or said. It just means that you let go of letting it control your thoughts and how you feel about yourself. It frees you to live your life.
11. You Do Not Have to Be Me. I know you are regularly told you look just like me. We also share a similar temperament. However, you are your own amazing young woman and I promise to work at remembering this, recognizing this and supporting you. You will continue to take your steps away from me, the baby girl who once couldn’t bear to be apart from me. I will be here for you, wherever you are and celebrate your steps on your way to your life. You are taking those steps, finding YOUR own path and your own truth. Regardless of where you are, we will be inextricably linked across space and time.
12. Cherish Your Sister. I know she’s your kid sister and 4 ½ years younger than you. I know you love her, in spite of your differences. She will be the person who will understand where you came from and can laugh with you at your imperfect parents. She will know the inside jokes and the family stories. She will be your oldest friend. My wish is that you will keep your heart open to when she catches up to you and that you will be dear friends.
13. Follow your Bliss! Joseph Campbell wrote, “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.” My mother told me, and now I share it with you, many times over the years to “follow your bliss.” Bliss is living life on your terms, blended with the flexibility to shift and change as needed and to allow others to walk the journey with you!
Happy 13th Birthday to my beloved oldest daughter! To the one who first made me a mother!