Summer 2016 in The Feminist Psychologist
Why Men Should Start Using the F-Word
by Hannah Kuhn-Gale
This quarter’s column is written by my 16-year old daughter, who will be a high school senior in August. She recently wrote a 4,000+ word essay on feminism and how boys and men may benefit from it. She had been having discussions with classmates who were saying that feminism was irrelevant. So, when charged with picking a topic for her Advanced Placement Language and Composition class, she made the decision to argue that both men and women benefit from feminism. This is not her entire essay. It is too long to share in this column, so we cut it to focus on her inspiration for the essay and on fatherhood. Happy Father’s Day! (-Jill Kuhn-Gale)
Why Men Should Start using the F-Word!
By Hannah Kuhn-Gale
In a speech to the UN in 2014, Goodwill Ambassador Emma Watson asked, “How can we effect change in the world when only half of it is invited or feels welcome to participate in the conversation?” In her speech, she launched a campaign to encourage men and boys to participate in the feminist movement, not only to support the women in their lives, but also to fight to relieve themselves of oppressive sexism. Feminism, by definition, is the belief that men and women should have equal rights politically, economically, and socially, yet it has become synonymous with man-hating. People shy away from labeling themselves as feminists, or using the “F-Word,” because it is seen as a ruse to raise the status of women above that of men. Many also believe women are the only ones affected by sexism, so men should have no place in the conversation. Although it is true that sexism affects women in more obvious ways such as the wage gap and scarce female representation in politics, men do not entirely benefit from the gender roles in today’s society either. In contrast to women, men see higher rates of drug abuse and suicide, and they spend more time at work, away from their children. From childhood men are told not to cry, not to show emotions other than anger, because to do so would be too feminine. Some may argue that men should stay out of the conversation of feminism because it may take power away from women, but men are shaped by sexism just as much as women are. It is because sexism affects men too that they should be active participants in the conversation about feminism.
The positive influence of fatherhood
When defining motherhood, the dictionary entries associate mothering with words such as “tenderness” and “affection”, yet associate fatherhood with assuming responsibility. Society places responsibility for nurturing onto women, reinforcing the idea that mothers are more valuable than fathers (Hooks, 2000). Feminism exists to empower women to feel able to hold jobs to support their family, but also to encourage men to have fuller relationships with their children. Emma Watson says, “To date, I’ve seen my father’s role as a parent valued less by society despite my needing his presence as a child as much as my mother’s” (Watson, 2014). Children need their fathers in their lives, yet existing gender roles make many fathers feel as though they are not adequate to care for their children. Some might say that feminism is a battle that should only be fought by women, but it needs to be fought by men too, because gender roles have a great impact on men and prevent them from reaping the many benefits of fatherhood.
Children benefit greatly by having a nontraditional relationship with their father. Fathers often do not end up spending much time with their children because it is seen as a very feminine activity, yet boys who spend more time with their fathers develop stronger control of their emotions. In Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, William Pollock (1998) says, “When fathers spend intimate recreational time with baby boys, the fathers show a unique capacity to draw out the infant’s emotional expression along a wider scale and intensity and to help the infants to learn how to tolerate a wide range of people and social situations.” Being able to tolerate different people and social situations is important for both boys and girls to be able to succeed in their future. Humans are social creatures, and much of one’s life happens in social situations, including school and work. Fathers give their sons the ability to handle a wide range of emotional and social conflicts gracefully and in a socially acceptable way. This ability can ultimately lead to advancements in the child’s social life and eventually his career, and is overall very beneficial for the child. Young girls also benefit from spending more time with their fathers. For 9-12 year old girls, the more time they spent with their father, the more they expressed traits such as competitiveness, assertiveness, and overall less sadness (Barnett, R., & Rivers, 2004). These skills can translate directly to everyday interactions. Competitiveness is important in businesses and the job market because businesses are, by nature, competitive entities. They benefit from employees who are motivated to improve and surpass the competition. Assertiveness enables girls to stand up for their own rights and the rights of others, including feminism. Girls may also be more likely to share their ideas and participate more in class, equating to a more successful and beneficial school experience. Both boys and girls benefit significantly from having a close relationship with their father, showing that it is important for fathers to take an active and nontraditional role in the lives of their children.
The fathers also benefit from defying gender roles and having close relationships with their children. Involved dads have been shown to exhibit fewer symptoms of stress. In their book Same Difference, Rosalind Barnett and Caryl Rivers (2004) say, “Married men who have good relationships with their kids report fewer stress related physical symptoms such as fatigue, insomnia, and back pain . . . [and] suffer less from anxiety and depression when they have problems on the job” (p, 217). Having a close relationship with their children gives men a reason to work hard and something to fall back on if something does go wrong. Should they have problems on the job, they are not losing everything; they still have love and positive relationships at home. They also tend to feel more confident and valuable in terms of the skills they hold involving parenting, job skills, and social relationships (Fogarty, K. & Evans, G.D., 2011).When problems do arise on the job, the confidence they gain from having strong relationships with their children makes them feel more able to find solutions in order to prevent stress and anxiety. When men have better relationships with their children, they also tend to take better care of themselves. In his article “The Health Benefits of Fatherhood,” Eric Messinger (2015) discusses how fatherhood inspires one to abandon bad habits. For example, married men and men with children are less likely to partake in activities such as smoking or drinking. Children give fathers a sense of responsibility, beyond gender role expectations. Fathers want to be able to stick around to see their children grow up and want to set a good example for their children, meaning that they have motivation to forgo potentially dangerous practices. The better the relationship men have with their children, the more reason men have to preserve their own wellbeing. Even though forsaking bad habits is done with the children in mind, it is ultimately good for the fathers themselves. The most important benefit of fatherhood is the happiness it gives men. Messinger says, “I feel much happier to be alive. Before becoming a father, I had no idea that being a nurturer could make a man feel so terrific.” Parenthood is one of the cruxes of human joy, yet men often do not get to be as involved as women because women are traditionally the caregivers in a family situation. Nurturing is typically reserved for the mother, but as Messinger says, it makes him feel “terrific.” Fatherhood is not just about being there for one’s children but also for one’s self. Being a father provides many opportunities for self-improvement and happiness and is advantageous for the man.
Bell Hooks (2000) says, “Like women, men have been socialized to passively accept sexist ideology. They must assume responsibility for eliminating it.” Feminism is not a battle to increase only the rights of women, but also the rights of men. Men should feel like they have the skills to be a good parent despite what gender roles dictate. When one avoids associating with the “F-word” they are not only denying women equal rights, but men as well. Men and women are not yet treated equally, which is why both men and women need to participate in the conversation about feminism. Change is not evoked when only half of the world has reason to care.
References
Barnett, R. and Rivers, C (2004). Same Difference, (Cambridge: Basic Books) Print.
Fogarty, K. and Evans, G. D. (2011). “The Hidden Benefits of Being an Involved Father,” (University of Florida: n.d.) PDF File.17Kate
Hooks, B. (2000). Feminist Theory From Margin to Center, (Cambridge: South End Press, Print.
Messinger, e. (2015) “The Health Benefits of Fatherhood,” (Parents Mag.:2002) Web, 19 Nov.
Pollock, W.S. (1998). Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood, (New York: Random House) Print. 11.
Watson, E. “Gender Equality is Your Issue Too,” UN Women, (United Nations Headquarters, New York, NY, 20 Sept. 2014). Speech.
*If you are interested in writing a column or wish to contact Jill Kuhn, she may be reached at drjillkuhn@gmail.com