Winter 2009 in The Feminist Psychologist
Communication, Oppression and Family: An Aching Heart, and Hope for My Daughters
by Jill Kuhn, Ph.D.
My inspiration for the winter edition comes from my own family and a recent online blog*. I love my family of origin intensely, but it is not immune to the effects of sexism! It is a lesson in communication and male oppression, which often are inextricably linked. Conversations about this issue often revolve around social and work relationships, but often do not involve an analysis of how it relates to those in our family whom we love. Sexism, even in adult relationships, can, and often come from one’s own family and leaves one feeling as if their hands and mouths are tied. As Ms. McEwan from Shakespearesister blog points out, “I am used as a prop in an ongoing game of patriarchal posturing, and then I am meant to believe it is true when some of the men who enjoy this sport, in which I am their pawn, tell me, "I love you." I love you, my daughter. I love you, my niece. I love you, my friend. I am meant to trust these words. “
Communication is a tricky thing. There are often clear gender differences due to oppression brought on by sexism. Some people have more insight and self-awareness than others. Others have worked hard to gain these skills through psychotherapy. Yet, how do we relate to those who are so bereft of the ability to self-analyze, self-observe and then communicate what they need in a non-confrontational and caring way? I remember visiting home at some point during my 2nd year of graduate school in counseling/clinical psychology with a treasure trove of communication skill. In spite of being an adult I still was not aware of the male privilege and oppression my dad had over me. I wanted to discuss the long (almost 6 months) silent treatment he had given me. The cause? I had opted to live with a man I was dating (without being married). I had assumed honesty was the most genuine way of being in a relationship. At the time of my visit I asked if we could sit down and talk (a common situation whereby the woman has been socialized to be responsible for taking care of relationships). The gist was that he was extremely disappointed since my values did not mesh with his. I calmly expressed my deep hurt at being completely ignored for almost half a year. I explained that rather than silence I wish we could have talked things out. The response I got was, “I am not able to do that.” Wow, that was a conversation stopper. It was confusing. It was hurtful. It was truthful. And then my dad went to bed crying. (I should add that my dad, over the recent years, has actually done better than he intimated that night some 15-years ago.) But at that time, it was his privilege, as a man, to end the interaction. To say, “I can’t” or “won’t” do something that might bring me closer into a relationship with you. To have never in his long life made the effort to “do that.”
Again, I am faced with the reality that another male family member, my only brother, someone I have been extremely close to and love dearly, has ignored me for the last 11-months and counting. What was my crime this time? I asked him not to send me anymore political e-mails (i.e. republican e-mails that were often misogynistic, homophobic and racist). He ignored my first four e-mails making respectable requests to, “please don’t send political e-mails.” (I made it clear each time that although I did not want the political e-mails I’d love to hear about his work, spouse, weekend plans, etc.,) Then without warning he shut me out. I asked him to come back, to work things out with me and that I loved him. Nothing. Again, if men don’t like it, they have the privilege to just shut down. As Ms. McEwan states, “There is the unwillingness to listen, a ferociously stubborn not getting it on so many things, so many important things. And the obdurate refusal to believe, to internalize, that my outrage is not manufactured and my injure not make-believe—an inflexible rejection of the possibility that my pain is authentic, in favor of the consolatory belief that I am angry because I'm a feminist (rather than the truth: that I'm a feminist because I'm angry)”*. My brother was my “best man” at my wedding, but I doubt he will ever talk about what has come between us. I am left wondering, what has happened to us?
It had been very painful to wait half a year for my dad, and now to be in the dark as to if and when my brother will return to basic communication with me. Trust is lost. Fear is there that I might “say something,” stand up for myself, and that could trigger another episode of these men taking a break from my life. I see my 81-year-old dad doing better than my 39-year old brother at trying to work with me. On the other hand the exercising of their male privilege has caused their own suffering and great loss at not knowing how to fix the problem. They have missed out on my life, and the ever-so-quick growth and development of my 5 and 10-year-old girls. Yet the larger systemic issues at play must not be ignored. These are men who profit (albeit in twisted and dysfunctional ways) by “shutting down and shutting off.” Yet another benefit of male privilege!
My feminist husband, also a psychologist, and I work so hard at helping our children become aware of who they are and how to communicate their needs and desires effectively and to feel empowered. Additionally, we help our girls “talk back” to bullying or sexist behavior. I hope they will fare better than I have. It is hard for me to be the one taking the brunt of people’s inability to communicate, the exiled person, the ignored person, and as such a survivor of systematic sexism in the relationships where I should be most loved.
The pain cuts deep, but I am also getting better at reframing my experiences as their loss and not my burden and not my job to “fix the problem.” And I need to be aware that as men they can and do take advantage of their male privilege and have oppressed me by shutting down all conversation and wounding me in this way. I am fearful that my girls’ communication skills and self-awareness will not be readily accepted into a world where men still control relationships and most people are not taught to be self-aware and communicate and instead by default damage or destroy their relationships. However, their dad and I plan to be fully present to help our girls weather these storms. After all, I’ve had lots of practice!
*http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/08/terrible-bargain-we-have-regretfully.html (posted by Melissa McEwan, Friday, August 14, 2009)
Mothering Watch: Since my column last quarter calling for change for psychologists who are mothers I have not heard from anyone in or outside the division. So many of us want to see change. Help us help you Division 35. (I will update again in my next column.)
Jill may be contacted at kuhngale@earthlink.net