Once a baby, always a baby told me many years ago Petit-Pierre, founder of the first French club of adult babies and diaper fetishists.
In 2009, then age 56, I realized how true this was, how much my life has been affected and turned upside down by my attraction to diapers and that a part of me never wanted or was never able to grow making me remain a little boy lacking affection and gentleness, still in diapers, short pants, rompers and other boyish clothes.
Like many people of my generation, I believed for a very long time that I was the only one in the entire world with this need that I did not understand and thought to be shameful. My education, in a world of boys, did not teach me to share my feelings, my emotions, my sufferings or my difficulties but rather to restrain and internalize them while thinking above all of being at the service of others.
Sexuality was a taboo subject, homosexuality a disease, a vice and a mortal sin. In my youth, I could not detect nor understand the signs of this homosexuality, nor the reasons for the thrill that the almost permanent wearing of short pants and the sight of boys with bare legs gave me.
I met the woman who would become my wife, a young, upright, quality woman. At no time did I dare or know how to share with her this attraction to diapers, probably out of shame and fear that she would reject me.
We got married being, for my part, determined to definitively end my diaper games and certain that I could do it. We had three children.
After a few years the need returned, very strong, and I started to wear them again in secret. Then the Minitel, the pre-internet French communication and social network, arrived at our home in 1986 opening for me, at the age of thirty-three, the door on a new world. Very quickly I discovered that I was far from the only one. Yes, other people, like me, liked to wear diapers. It took me over a year to dare take the plunge and meet another ABDL. Instinctively it was meetings with men that I looked for, unconsciously believing I was not cheating on my wife. (how stupid was I!)
Our games during these meetings were limited to diapering and changing each other, using our diapers for their intended purposes, but not sexual, until the day I spent an evening with a boy who like me liked to wear diapers under short pants.
It wasn't until 1995, after fourteen years of living together, that she discovered that I was secretly wearing diapers and sharing this with other men. It was very hard for her but also for me, a terrible shock. It just could not talk about it with her, I was too ashamed of it and felt so guilty for having hidden it from her and for the pain and harm it caused her. This need to wear diapers was unacceptable to her and incompatible with our life as a couple, I had to choose between her and the diapers, but she gave me a chance.
For the next fourteen years I tried to fight with ups and downs, renewing my stock and then throwing my diapers and boy's clothes over and over again. My wife gave me a chance several times, but always conditioned to my putting and end to my fetishism, proof of her love, but this gradually made me shut myself off, stifle my emotions, internalize my sufferings, develop even more my feeling of guilt and my inability to reestablish a husband and wife relationship with her. At the same time my love of diapers gradually dominated all my sexuality.
Psychologically I suffered several break-down falling into phases of depression. I would have liked so much to be able to permanently get rid of this need for diapers, this “vice”, that was taking over an increasingly important part in my personality. This inability to succeed and the suffering it caused to others was contrary to all the education I had received and was so shameful for me.
On the advice of my wife, I started to work in this direction with a quality psychiatrist, work which I continued for over eight years, however it produced the reverse effect. Gradually it made me aware and helped me to accept that the ABDL "me" was inseparable from my other "adult self", who, in fact, are one and that my sexuality, although homosexual and not heterosexual, is centered on the fetishism of wearing diapers and boyish style clothes. For the moment, that's all I have left to recharge my batteries and hold on to.
This seems to show that I can most probably only find a personal balance with people sharing the same needs and the ability to understand and respect who I am. It also means that I wasted my wife's life, to whom I unconsciously lied about who I really was. I could not give her the place and the love she was entitled to and needed and also that I had wasted 68 years of my life.
Since the beginning of September 2009 I returned for good to the ABDL community to renew the friendships that I had established in the past and to create new ones, I also hope through this blog, to help the younger ones understanding and accepting themselves as they are and prevent them from wasting their life and that of others.
Our three boys had felt that something was wrong between my wife and me, but without knowing the facts, put the blame on her. We were sleeping in separate rooms and, in her suffering, she was often harsh with me including in front of them.
Also, like many, my wife wrongly associated ABDL with pedophilia, she had forbidden me to be alone with my grandchildren. In 2018, one of my sons who was moving houses asked me in an emergency to look after his two children for the day.
My wife reacted very violently, she went to see each of our children to tell them that I was an ABDL, that she had decided we would sell our home and live separately.
After the initial shock, surprise and a period of consultation / reflection, all three reacted in an exceptional and kind manner, as did their spouses. I apologized to them and explained the suffering that my wife had gone through for which I was the only one to blame. I told them that I would completely understand if they no longer wanted to see me but that I was committed to continue taking care of the material needs and well-being of my wife and theirs to ensure they are no longer affected by what I am.
This lifted a lot of stress and anguish for my wife, who regained the relationship she had lost with our children. She is much happier and more relaxed; our relationship is better. We sold our house in July 2019 and have had a jointly owned house built for her use, a project that we carried out together, I am taking care of all the decoration work according to her tastes. We searched together for an apartment for me, also jointly owned in the same region and found one, she and our children have helped me for the refurbishing, renovation and decoration work. I have now move in this apartment.
We have our independence, therefore a better life balance, while remaining close and having preserved a good family balance for our children. Finally, a ray of hope after a very long journey through hell.
If you are young in body and or at heart, if like me you like to wear diapers, whether you are a Diaper Lover, an Adult Baby, a little boy, or like to be a little girl, whether you are straight, gay, bi, asexual, etc ... be true to yourself, be true with the girl or the boy who could become your husband or your wife, hide nothing, reveal your inclinations to him/her from the first day of your relationship. The Internet is full of sites that will allow non ABDL to understand. Do not commit yourself to a life together if he or she cannot understand or accept you as you are. You would both suffer terribly from it your whole life, which would be wasted like mine.