Have Candid Conversations

Candid Conversations are challenging as well as supportive. We're looking at that balance of something that's kind and direct, and they work best when they're timely (as in the moment as possible), and specific. These kinds of conversations can happen in a range of contexts: difficult conversations, positive or productive feedback, apologizing or asking for what you want, etc.

So why is this important?

• Candid conversations go a long way to build trust. If you know that someone's really speaking to what they see, you feel seen, and that starts to build a relationship with people. We understand that people care for us when they're having a candid conversation.

• It's an important way to learn and grow because it's feedback specific to us, not generic.

• It's also great for the sense of fairness across a team or an organization. Because if we start seeing people having candid conversations, we know that the person who's saying it is going to step in when something goes wrong or celebrate others or us when we've done great work, and that feels great.

BUILD A FEEDBACK CULTURE

Feedback means having candid conversations that really help people improve. We're talking about positive feedback, or constructive feedback. This can be feedback between a manager and their teams, or between peers, and we're really talking about feedback that's ongoing. Not just once but something that's happening regularly and is timely (soon to the event that you want to give feedback on), both in formal and informal settings.

When you get quality feedback it's a fantastic opportunity to learn and grow, there's nothing else really tailored specifically to you and helps you see things differently from someone else's perspective, and make course corrections and adaptations in response. Having said that, two-thirds of us say we don't get the feedback we need, and when we do get it, it's not always very helpful.

ASK FOR FEEDBACK

One way to address this is to shift to actually asking for feedback. If you ask for feedback then both sides feel less threatened. You feel less threatened when you receive the feedback because you've asked for it, and the other person feels they can be honest because you've signaled that you're interested.

• Be very specific and kind in asking in advance. You might say, "At the meeting on Tuesday, I'm really trying to work on my pace and make sure I'm not reading from the slides. Would you mind looking out for that for me?" Then your colleague will know exactly how to help you and how to help you grow in this specific request.

• You can also ask lots of different people. If you ask for multiple perspectives, you reduce the risk that the feedback is biased.

When you're open like that, you're activating the important parts of your memory. so that next time you'll be able to use it and actually do something with it.

RECEIVING FEEDBACK

Receiving feedback actually doesn't get much attention, but if somebody isn't receiving feedback, the feedback isn't really happening. So here are some tips on how to be great at receiving feedback.

• Make sure you are present and able to hear what the person has to say. If not, do what you need to get yourself present so the person can say what they need to say and you can hear them.

  • If it's not possible in that moment, you might say, 'I need to do this another time. Can we please do this tomorrow because I want to be present for what you have to say, it's really important.'

• Feedback may be difficult for this person to give. So if you're calm, cool, collected it will help them be the same. You might even help them by saying 'I want to hear what you have to say, how can I help you say it?'

• Know that feedback comes from this person's perspective. You might not agree with their point of view but there's probably something in there that will be really helpful for you to hear. What’s the important nugget that they're trying to convey to you?

  • There's something that we call listening for the two percent truth. So what is that two percent of what they're saying that you can really own, you can really take on.

• Take it on and then let the person know what it is you will do with the feedback they've given you. What actions will you take?

  • If not possible to do it in the moment, gather all the information that you've heard from them, ponder it, and get back to them and say “I heard the feedback that you gave me. Here are the actions I hope you'll see me do. Please give me further feedback about that.”

• They're trying to give you feedback to help you grow. If you have your growth in mind, then you create a connection between you and the other person. You're both interested in your growth. That's going to make the whole conversation easier and it will help you be more hungry for the feedback.

• Don't defend what happened or what the person is trying to say, it just blocks the conversation. As you defend, it's saying “no you're not right.” It also puts a block in your ability to receive.

So don't be defensive, have a growth mindset, and say thank you. They're trying to give you a gift and it's intended to grow you and be useful to you. Choose the bits that you can respond to and grow from, and benefit from the new information comes to you, what blind spots are opened up and how it helps you develop as a leader.

GIVE MORE POSITIVE FEEDBACK THAN NEGATIVE

Thanks to our ancient brains, we are wired for negativity. Back on the savannah, if we heard rustling in the grass, we had to assume it was a lion and run, because if we didn't, we thought we might be fine, we might very well be eaten. So there was a survival imperative that ended up wiring our brains to be five times more likely to interpret something as negative than positive. This negative tendency can lead to increased stress and even unhappiness. We can overcome it by focusing much more intentionally on the positive.

There's a real intentionality here to create and build on the connections of positive behavior. That means dwelling in them and noticing them a little bit more. Noticing when something positive is happening, feels good, or went well, and then helping others with the same. Celebrating them. Giving positive reinforcement when you think something was good, or when they were doing something that really worked well for them. In doing this you'll help people feel seen.

• Sit down, make a list of all the things you recognize should be celebrated in your team, then find the opportunities, in the moment, when you see it again, to celebrate it.

• Start noticing your team. Do they prefer to have a quiet word in their ear after the meeting? Or would they really like to be acknowledged in front of a crowd?

As you start to pay attention to these things, you'll see people flourish and open up as you start rewiring some of the positive parts of our brain that can actually make us really happy!

SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS

When you're ready to have a difficult conversation, there's preparation you can do ahead of time to set yourself up for success. The first thing you can do is think about the language you will use and you can use the COIN model (below) to prepare ahead of time.

• Think about your assumptions. Perhaps you feel hurt and so assume that the person intended to hurt you. We don't mean to do this, our assumptions are very quick, but just because something has an impact, that's not the same as the intent, which might be quite different, and you can't know the intent, so get curious and ask.

• Labeling your emotions, noticing what they are and naming them, can be really useful to dampen that limbic reaction.

• Think of yourself with your partner side by side, really as partners rather than opponents, so that you can work on this together.

• Give them some anticipation about what's coming.

• Choose a time of day that works for them.

• Do a little bit of a mindfulness exercise or some deep breathing so that you are cool, calm and collected and coming from a good place.

• During the conversation, bring your sense of vulnerability and openness, and curiosity as you try this.

Start with small conversations that are less volatile, and just keep trying, because these will become easier and easier as we use this muscle.

THE COIN MODEL

COIN is a model that can be used for giving feedback. Positive feedback or constructive feedback, and for having difficult conversations. COIN's an acronym and it stands for

• Context

• Observation

• Impact

• Next

Here's how to use it: When you're preparing, think about the specific context that someone was displaying a particular behavior in. Then think about the specific behaviors that you observed. This is where you really want to get specific. Don't interpret their behavior, don't say anything like, "you were angry," or something like that. "Your voice was louder than usual." "You were speaking more quickly." Be very specific about what you saw, what you observed.

Then talk about what the impact was. If you can, say "the impact on me," or "the impact on the team," or "our work." This can't be refuted. Even if it wasn't the intent, you can talk about how it was received and the impact.

For Next, this is when you talk about what happens next. How are you going to proceed? It could be some advice or a suggestion, and it could be more of a conversation trying to help together work out the direction.

So when you deliver your feedback, be sure to start with the Context, when you saw the behavior, your very specific Observations, the Impact on you or on others, and then talk about Next, the next steps or suggestions to follow.

So here's an example of how this might work: "Rona, could we have a chat please about how the meeting went on Tuesday?" "Mm-hm." "When we were in that meeting, I noticed your voice was going a bit quicker than usual, that you were speaking quite fast and seemed to mumble sometimes, and when you did that, I noticed that our colleagues that we were presenting to seemed to struggle to follow and checked out a little bit. Next time would you like to go through it with me first, to practice?"