Thea Fields
ON BREAKDOWNS- TO MY RELIEF
It should not have taken
Me flat on my back
Falling apart with tears in
my hair
To learn what relief feels
like
The absence of fear is not
relief
The numbness of
acceptance is not relief
My emotions bleeding out
of me
Uncontrollable, mad, and
dizzying is not relief
Relief is breathing
Relief is afterwards
Relief is...isn’t...is.
I was so tired
I didn’t want to be tired
Relief is knowing in your
soul why you’re tired
And staring it in the face
as it tries to drip more
venom into your
bloodstream
I had to reach for my relief
I had to grab it and let it
bite me
Just so I could feel the
effects
Never has anything been
so worth losing control
Relief doesn’t last
It’s almost insultingly
impermanent
But that’s the point
It doesn’t stay-but it helps
I searched for relief in
numbness
I didn’t know I was
searching for the wrong
thing
I searched for relief over
acceptance
I only needed acceptance
to understand relief
Aftermath is calm relief
Waking up the next
morning is reassuring
relief
But scream-crying,
laughing sobs that sound
like madness feels
Slamming my fists into the
floor to facilitate tears
and have an outlet
Near hyperventilating,
vomit inducing coughs
As swallowed emotions
purge themselves
whether I want them to or
not
The shaky, teary smile in
the mirror
Gasping for breath as I
grasp for my sanity
It’s what relief wishes it
could be.
I danced like a
madwoman, like I’d never
known what dancing was
And the dizziness
afterward reached for
relief
And held it close
I got to breathe and cry
and relish the feel of the
open wound
Purging itself all over my
sanity
And relief left me gasping
and infantile
It took a full day recognize
relief in my mad cries
It took twelve hours to
miss it.
I couldn’t break like that
again if I tried
There’s not enough left in
the wound to purge my
sanity for my emotions
And I know that relief is
still there
Waiting on the edge
As I heal, it’ll be here
again
And I’ll cradle it in my
arms and tears
And thank it for not
leaving me. Even if I
abandoned it for a bit. It
never abandoned me.