Thea Fields

It should not have taken

Me flat on my back

Falling apart with tears in

my hair

To learn what relief feels

like

The absence of fear is not

relief

The numbness of

acceptance is not relief

My emotions bleeding out

of me

Uncontrollable, mad, and

dizzying is not relief

Relief is breathing

Relief is afterwards

Relief is...isn’t...is.

I was so tired

I didn’t want to be tired

Relief is knowing in your

soul why you’re tired

And staring it in the face

as it tries to drip more

venom into your

bloodstream

I had to reach for my relief

I had to grab it and let it

bite me

Just so I could feel the

effects

Never has anything been

so worth losing control

Relief doesn’t last

It’s almost insultingly

impermanent

But that’s the point

It doesn’t stay-but it helps

I searched for relief in

numbness

I didn’t know I was

searching for the wrong

thing

I searched for relief over

acceptance

I only needed acceptance

to understand relief

Aftermath is calm relief

Waking up the next

morning is reassuring

relief

But scream-crying,

laughing sobs that sound

like madness feels

Slamming my fists into the

floor to facilitate tears

and have an outlet

Near hyperventilating,

vomit inducing coughs

As swallowed emotions

purge themselves

whether I want them to or

not

The shaky, teary smile in

the mirror

Gasping for breath as I

grasp for my sanity

It’s what relief wishes it

could be.

I danced like a

madwoman, like I’d never

known what dancing was

And the dizziness

afterward reached for

relief

And held it close

I got to breathe and cry

and relish the feel of the

open wound

Purging itself all over my

sanity

And relief left me gasping

and infantile

It took a full day recognize

relief in my mad cries

It took twelve hours to

miss it.

I couldn’t break like that

again if I tried

There’s not enough left in

the wound to purge my

sanity for my emotions

And I know that relief is

still there

Waiting on the edge

As I heal, it’ll be here

again

And I’ll cradle it in my

arms and tears

And thank it for not

leaving me. Even if I

abandoned it for a bit. It

never abandoned me.