Grief and Loss

Language to Use When Speaking to Children about Death

Until children are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain the death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If someone dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened — that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.

Children this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that its final and they won't come back. So even after you've explained this, your child may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back.

Avoid Euphemisms

Avoid using euphemisms, such as telling children that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.

Also remember that children’s questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 5-year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, kids might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery.

Magical Thinking and Guilt

A 9-year-old might think, for example, that by behaving or making a wish, grandma won't die. Often, kids this age personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman" or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations about what happened. Children often feel guilty after a death has occurred. Children of all ages, as well as adults, often wonder what they did, didn’t do, or should have done that would have prevented the death. This may happen even when there is no logical reason to feel this way. Children may also feel guilty for surviving the death of a sibling or peer. They may feel guilty if they are having fun or not feeling very sad after someone they know has died. Children are often reluctant to share their guilt feelings. Reassure children that they are not responsible for the death, even if there is no reason to suspect they feel guilty.

Changed Behavior

Children may appear selfish and immature after a personal loss. Children tend to be most concerned with things that affect them personally. As they struggle to deal with a personal loss, children may appear more self-centered and immature than usual. They may become more demanding, refuse to share, or pick fights with peers. They may say things that seem very selfish or uncaring. This selfishness is not a sign that children don’t care about the person who died or the needs of others. Rather, it demonstrates that they are under stress and grieving. Show your concern and continue to provide support. Avoid criticizing them for behaviors that seem self-centered or insensitive. Once they feel their needs are being met, they will be able to think more about the needs of others.

Expressing Grief

The goal is not to take away the pain of grief, but to allow an opportunity for children to express it. Avoid comments aimed at trying to cheer up students who are grieving (such as, “At least you were able to spend Christmas with him before he died,” or “At least he died a hero”). It’s common to want to share personal experiences about loss. However, with grieving children, it’s important to listen more and talk less. Give them space to express themselves.

*Adapted from: www.grievingstudents.org, National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement, www.schoolcounselor.org and the New York Life Foundation.