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In this article, Karlee ranks a subject in films for almost the last time and has to end things with the beloved Olympian God himself.
Ranking the Many Hercules: Godly Husbands
Ranking the Many Hercules: Godly Husbands
By Karlee Cornell
By Karlee Cornell
Over spring break, I was iffy about what I wanted to do for my next article, so my version of procrastinating was watching old Greek-themed films and talking to my mom about how much I love the men who play Hercules, even though some have been dead for a really long time. As a result, here are the voices that appear inside my head whenever I watch Hercules films.
#1. Ian Bohen: Young Hercules (1997)
#1. Ian Bohen: Young Hercules (1997)
Young Hercules: 1997
Watch on Amazon Prime, Fandango, and Google Play.
First impression of the Young Hercules actor: the hair was a mullet and I hated it-- but IAN BOHEN?!!! was the original young Hercules. I watched it with no complaints except for the ones where the camera quality was horrible, even for a very old series. The audio was a little weird in some parts, too, Bohen's voice would not match his tone. However, other than that, the casting Of Bohen as young Hercules was so good at first.
The torn vest was ugly but perfect at the same time. He was going through a phase, okay? It's fine, Hercules still looks good. I find it funny that Ian got away with wearing very dusty jeans at one point, but he still nailed it. The jawline and lighting make the picture below look stunning. Am I a little mad that Ryan Gosling replaced Ian Bohen? A little. It's not like we didn't ask for a blonde Hercules.
This beautiful-looking original Hercules, however, won. Heck, I was not a massive fan of Greek mythology at first but, ever since I watched the first three episodes, I have become a changed woman (not entirely, since everything I ever put in The Scroll has had something to do with a character that had major father issues and I haven't stopped being obsessed with Greek comics.) Anyways...
The acting was a tiny bit rusty in some parts but there just needed to be more emotions to make it better and he just needed to be in more episodes. This was around the early years of Cable TV so it could just be cable's fault. England, (where this was filmed) is also known for its insane rainy weather, so the quality of the final product does not surprise me.
#2: Dan Vadis: The TRIUMPH of Hercules (1964)
#2: Dan Vadis: The TRIUMPH of Hercules (1964)
Hercules the Invincible & The Triumph Of Hercules: 1964
Watch on Amazon Prime and Tubi.
Dan Vadis had a lot of different looks. At first, this version was a huge no for me. Hercules looked like he worked out at the Y.M.C.A. Some people have posted photos on social media saying that he was full-blond in this film, but he only had a blond beard. Someone commented on one of these images, saying that Vadis looks like David Hasselhoff-- at least someone gets the idea.
The acting was kind of sad, however. His slow acting approach was not what I was expecting, but it made sense because he is confused about where he is, not being in Olympus. I just wouldn't put the acting in the top two rankings since, in most of the movie, Hercules was in complete silence. Sure, caveman Hercules is a little strange, but this one's adorable without the long hair.
#3: Steve reeves: Hercules (1958)
#3: Steve reeves: Hercules (1958)
Hercules: 1958
Watch on Amazon Prime and Tubi.
The looks don't match but, hello, Mafia Hercules?
* Disclaimer: The Scroll; does not support Mafias.*
My jaw dropped with the choice of Steve Reeves as Hercules in this movie. Honestly. I mean, the producers got the overall build for the role right. Reeves' build is the universe's message to me, saying that I need to drink more water. My opinion of this role choice is a very thoughtful A+, even though multiple websites question whether Reeves is actually a nice person.
I did not realize how much he swung his head back and forth in his role as Hercules. He plays the role with a very silly approach, unlike his very intimidating image to the left-- and I love it. The fighting, however, just needs to feel more realistic. I'm not trying to encourage violence on an online school website but, as a viewer watching this film, this guy needs to throw people harder.
#4. Ryan Gosling: Young Hercules (1997)
#4. Ryan Gosling: Young Hercules (1997)
Ryan's version was okay. I was just a little mad that the directors did not give Ian the same amount of credit, since he did it first. I have mixed feelings about the new vest. I love it-- but on blond Hercules? Producers never gave Ian a love interest but, when a blonde shows up, it has to be in the script? Producers misrepresented his representation as the first young Hercules, as seen in the amount of bragging rights from interviews. I'm sorry. I know Ryan Gosling's a great actor, but imagine doing all of that work and not getting credit, just to find out a 2014 Ken doll replaced you.
Tell the editor to add a better haircut and we'll talk about the acting Ryan. I can't focus on the acting with that Jane Jetson chopped-off haircut.
#5. Kevin Sorbo: Young Hercules (1997)
#5. Kevin Sorbo: Young Hercules (1997)
I refuse to believe that this guy, Kevin Sorbo was the only option for adult Hercules. He looks like someone who would steal a fork and spatula, out of all things. Hercules is supposed to look spicy. There were so many good options for this role, too. Sorbo is also very heavily against feminism, uses Christianity as an excuse, and is the biggest Timothee Chalamet hater besides Kanye, as shown on this wannabe Kanye's Twitter and his Instagram. 46 and 64 are just not good ages for uncultured, disrespectful men to talk about style. If you want to get the ladies, don't despise the style of the ladies. Common knowledge from a female.
Now would be a good time for a side rant on sexism. Let's check out this political chart on Pew Research: 54 females in each state get treated poorly and have to overwork themselves. 47 people in each state are sexist about women. Cough, cough, Kevin. 47 women in each state get less support. Sexual harassment is viewed as being a problem, with 37% of respondents agreeing that it gets in the way of a woman's success and 38% thinking it is a minor issue. Being sexist is just ew.
Back to Sorbo's version of Young Hercules: I fell asleep the entire time I watched this version. The vibe was way too mellow. He also randomly acts like a dad in random scenes when people try to help him, which makes no sense. This version also reminded me of Odysseus, for some reason.
Photo Credit: Pew Research
#6 Dwayne Johnson: Hercules (2014)
#6 Dwayne Johnson: Hercules (2014)
Hercules: (2014)
Watch on Apple TV and Amazon Prime.
How to say this in the nicest way possible. The rock's head is way too bald to play Hercules. Also, you can clearly see the suits too high on his body. Same with the belt. Hercules is not built like Dwayne Johnson, either. I'm just surprised the casting director is not still sleeping with one eye open. Keep in mind, Dwayne was still wrestling back then, so the amount of people he wrestled might have seen this. Hercules is also supposed to look slightly buff, not beef jerky buff. I mean, Cronos would've been a better option: The Rock and a myth that's a beast made of rocks.
The acting is just way too aggressive. This is like if a caveman joined the rest of the Marvel superheroes. Hercules would also never hold a sword like that. He's not that much of a barbarian. He has to have some class in his style, like his father.
Overall, my rankings show that Bohen and Vadis win the Hercules war. There was also an old man that looked like Jake Gyllenhaal, but we'll save that questionable image sometime, somewhere over the rainbow. Have a good month!
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