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This is a very serious short story by Rylie Revercomb, about a day in the life of Shrek.
Somebody Once Told me
Somebody Once Told me
By: Rylie Revercomb
By: Rylie Revercomb
Shrek walks out of his outhouse, stretching as he lets out a huge fart. The disgusting smell filled the air, replacing the overly sweet smell of freshly bloomed flowers. A nasty grin spreads across Shrek’s face as he watches the flowers wilt from his stench, and he just knows that today will be a beautifully melancholic day.
The Ogre could hear the obnoxious sound of birds chirping off-key, and it made him frown. No one was supposed to be in his swamp. So, to get rid of the pesky creatures, Shrek committed the bestial act of strangling the birds and throwing them high over the treetops. He heard the birds shriek in terror as he yelled, “GET OUT OF MY SWAMP!”
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He gave a nod to no one in particular as soon as the bird was out of his sight, and then he promptly turned on his heel and walked toward his mud pool. A few pigs were currently in his warm pool of mud, prattling on and on about how some dumb wolf had blown their houses.
Shrek could care less.
He picked up the pig by its curly little tail, listening to the creature squeal in fear, and then he screamed, “THIS LITTLE PIGGY RAN WHEE WHEE WHEE ALL THE WAY HOME!” He promptly rolled the pig like a bowling ball toward the others, watching with a proud smile as the pigs fell down and then scrambled out of the mud pool.
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He was the best at getting people out of his swamp.
After that little incident, Shrek relaxed in his mud pool for an hour or so, keeping it nice and warm before he finally got up and went inside his nice little house. He was finally alone, just how he liked it.
The Ogre treated everyone with contempt; he just hated everybody and everything. He liked living alone in his desolate piece of property in the woods. No one ever came here, so the Ogre got to enjoy all the alone time he wanted.
Shrek sighed happily as he moved toward his kitchen, a smile on his face as he made up a delicious meal of worms and larvae. It was just a normal day for the Ogre until someone knocked on his door rapidly.
He ignored the first few knocks, proceeding to eat his meal once it got quiet again. However, he was only able to enjoy the silence for a bit longer before his door was met with another knock and screaming.
The Ogre huffed in annoyance as he stood up, having to take a break from his meal as he forced open the door and yelled, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!”
Anyone else wouldn’t have yelled. They would have answered the door calmly, with forced smiles on their faces. But Shrek didn’t have time to feign any pleasantries, for he had a delicious meal waiting for him.
The Ogre was towering over the culprit of the knocks, and he glared down at a little man who gave him a wide and nervous smile.
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Now, in the tale others might have told about Shrek, it would have been said that he talked to the man calmly. Whoever said that is out of their mind. No. Instead, Shrek pulverized the man before he could even speak. But not with his giant fists, or some great big weapon…
No, Shrek pulverized the man with a loud, odious, disgusting, smelly, awful fart.
The man died on the spot.
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With that, Shrek was finally alone, and he went back into the house with a smile on his face, sitting back at his table to finish his meal. It was a good day for Shrek. He had committed more crimes than yesterday. And that, to the Ogre at least, was a win.
THE END
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