Sample student responses

Imaginative response

His father said to him, 'Son, a man's tears are special. "They're full of magic. But if a man cries too much, "he runs out of magic. 'So buddy, you shouldn't cry. Or your magic leaves.' I watched my father hug me. He starts up the car again, and we drive. It's silent. It's a kind of silence that crushes your soul. The silence rings in my ears. We are going until we are finally at the alley leading to the ice cream place. I watch as he puts me on his shoulders. I go to follow, but I hear a beep and my body is pulled back. I hear another beep and it jerks me back. I'm playing tug-of-war with the beeps, but I'm too weak. Suddenly, I'm back. Darkness again. And voices. But there are more voices than normal. I hear a doctor say, 'He's going to a better place.' My mother cries. I hear beeps starting to fade. These one are softer. I sink into the mattress of beeps. 'I wonder what he sees,' my mother's voice catches in her throat, fading. Everything fades. The last thing I hear is my father. He lets his magic out. My eyes open and I'm in the alley, leaving the ice cream place, which is surrounded by colour. I see a face. It's new. It's my grandma. I remember this old picture of her. At the end of the alley, my dad's van waits for me.

Reflection

My imaginative story follows a young man in a coma remembering a place his father took him to. The motif of crying in the story is inspired by the poem ‘An Absolutely Ordinary Rainbow’ by Les Murray. The poem is about a man crying in the streets and is a commentary on the expectation of men in society not to cry.  I use that commentary in a speech my character's father gives.  In my story however the speech is a positive and he realises the message but a man's fears are special and should be cherished. The motif of crying in my story is inspired by the poem as well as the idea of contagious crying where as my characters younger self cries so does he.

My story uses many metaphors such as, “I sink into the mattress of beeps.” and these build up into a sound motif. I also use lots of truncated sentences to allude to my character being a teenager as it is a common theme in younger people's language to talk in short of sentences. The idea of the ice cream shop is inspired by a real memory of mine from childhood. I chose to focus less on the direct conversation in the memory because I wanted to focus more on the last thing effects of memories. I use my language throughout to build up certain suspense so the audience can build on an idea of what will happen but still get a satisfying pay off. This is best shown at the end of the second paragraph where I say, “Then we pass an accident and I remember which memory this is. Which time. I beg my brain to make it stop. I brace myself.”  The truncated sentences help build suspense and make the reader feel that things are coming to an end. 

At times in the story I talked about the world around the character. This builds a sense of wonder and beauty. This is something Murray did well in his poem. This is best shown when he talks about the people surrounding the man and touching him.

The language I use helps build tension and a desire to know what happens. It also builds a sense of wonder in the world as these are memories experienced by a man in a coma. The story ends with a boy passing away and we discover that the alley is his passage to heaven. Heaven for him is the memories with his dad.