Editing for Fluidity, Clarity, and Conciseness

¹Marlow continuously comments on the pre-historic nature of Africa. His idea of the antediluvian nature of Africa is supported time and time again by descriptions that indicate the antiquated nature. ²For example, “when the big trees were kings” (Conrad 105). ³By indicating that we have a butcher and a policeman around the corner it shows that today we live a more civilized lifestyle than those in the time before, and Conrad also notes that we have clean, starched clothing, and commerce. ⁴Instead of killing our own meat we go to a butcher. ⁵He calls the city in Europe he embarks from the “city of the dead” and a “whited sepulcher,” referring to the New Testament, which is an allusion to the hypocrisy of Europe. ⁶Also, his tone in talking to his aunt, and in talking when he first arrives about “these high and just proceedings” (82), all delineate that he finds in “civilization” not much worth being deferential toward, although he freely returns to it as the savior from the savagery that he finds in pre-historic Africa. ⁷In the Christ imagery to describe the death of the helmsman, and in the lack of restraint which leads Kurtz to become like a pagan god, there is an obvious depiction of the ironic irrelevance of religion.

• Consider sentences 1 & 2: the student has used the words “antediluvian” and “antiquated,” both synonyms for “prehistoric,” and perhaps fooled himself into believing that he has said more than he has. In reality, the first two sentences say the same thing.
• In sentence 1 the word, “continuously,” though it sounds correct, is not. A better word would be “repeatedly,” or “often.” These words may seem simpler, but they are more precise.
• Sentence 3 is unnecessarily wordy. Instead of using the construction, “By indicating…it shows…,” try rephrasing for conciseness: “The butcher and the policeman around the corner show that today we live a more civilized lifestyle.”
• Sentences 5 & 6 are unnecessarily long. At first they might sound very smart, but there is so much information, so many phrases, that they are not as clear as they could be.
• Sentence 7 seems to be on a different subject than the rest of the paragraph. The more concise and clear the paragraph is, the more noticeable this departure will be.