Living With A Bipolar Disorder

Why have you decided to tell your story?

This is a really good question. I suppose there’s a variety of reasons, the more selfish of those being that my condition is something always in the back of my head. It’s something I always subconsciously think about and something that will always be there for me-- but the more opportunities I get to talk about it, the less I feel it can affect me; I guess taking it out of a personal context helps me identify it as something that I control, not something that controls me. I also think my experiences might help identify other behaviors in other people, as it’s more common than people think.

How does having a bipolar disorder look for you? how does it feel for you?

Symptoms of bipolar disorder vary wildly from person to person. It’s usually characterized by dramatic mood swings, and for me personally, it’s usually a response to a frustrating situation. I often blank out and I don’t realize what’s happening. My memories of what happens are similar to trying to remember a particular dream; you can recall little things but it’s all really foggy. Those around me describe my actions as fits of anger and pure rage, and I can remember feeling angry before I lapse but what happens afterward for me is always hazy, and that’s proven terrifying for me in particular. After it happens, I can’t blame anyone or anything around me. Regardless if I’m in control of a situation, I still take responsibility for any actions I make because those actions are often harmful. I think, to a lesser extent, I think my condition appears in waves of anxiety. Before a big test or deadline, or maybe just something as simple as taking a phone call. Most people think bipolar disorder is just random, but for me, there’s always a catalyst or trigger. My biggest fear is that I’m going to end up hurting myself, or worse, the people I love, because of some small thing that plunges me down the rabbit hole.

Are there tasks that are easier for others, but can be incredibly hard for you?

I think it’s fewer tasks and more scenarios. Certain social situations that would be easier to navigate for most people can be incredibly stressful for me. Whenever people are arguing or just general conflicts are a lot more stress-inducing for me because I’ll never know what’s going to set me off or if I’m going to be able to keep a level head. All of this just makes some situations I know are going to be tense even tenser.

What was one of the lowest points you have faced while dealing with this and how did you get better?

It’s hard to pinpoint a singular instance, but there was a time more recently where my home life was tumultuous and chaotic, and I didn’t handle it very well. My outbursts were more and more frequent and there were days where I’d spend the entire time in the woods to get away from people. It definitely wasn’t pretty, but slowly I just realized, with the help of some of the people closest to me, that the only true way to cope with a situation is by adjusting your attitude. If I can recognize that a chain of events will happen in a way that will affect me, I can take certain steps to circumvent those occurrences from ever happening in the first place and avoid conflict. This is applicable beyond my disorder, as well, but I think it helped me through some lower points.

What do people see or say when they first meet you? What do you wish they would see and know?

My condition is not that’s readily apparent to the average joe, but I think it affects people who interact with me regularly. I don’t like to make excuses for the actions I make, so I think the only thing I want people to know about me is that I’m working on getting better. I know I can do better than I have before, and I want people to see me for who I am as a person and not someone who just goes around either extremely depressed or angry all the time. I want people to see the best version of me possible, and the only way that can happen is if I work on that version of myself as much as I can.

What would you like to say to those who may be in the same position?

You are not alone. You might not even know it’s happening to you, but that’s okay. Don’t ever feel like you’re the only person in the world who has experienced what you have, because that creates an ostracized mentality that can lead to self-harm. There are people that care for you and love you, always. And it’s okay to reach out if you recognize something’s amiss. Don’t loathe who you are as a person for the mistakes you’ve made in the past. You are loved.