Follow an interview from an anonymous GPHS student about their experience living with a Bipolar Disorder and how it has impacted their life and education with this monthly Mental Health Column. Scroll to the bottom for an opportunity to share your mental illness experience for our upcoming issues.
Disclaimer: This article discusses sensitive information regarding mental health that some people may feel uncomfortable with reading. Statements made in this article may trigger those faced with the same challenges. However, the goal of this article is to help those who may be struggling and to shed light on the struggles of different mental disorders.
We all have beautiful stories. This is one of them. Everyone's experiences are different, but your feelings are valid. You are strong, amazing, and a person with an interesting story, no matter what it may be.
This is a really good question. I suppose there’s a variety of reasons, the more selfish of those being that my condition is something always in the back of my head. It’s something I always subconsciously think about and something that will always be there for me-- but the more opportunities I get to talk about it, the less I feel it can affect me; I guess taking it out of a personal context helps me identify it as something that I control, not something that controls me. I also think my experiences might help identify other behaviors in other people, as it’s more common than people think.
I’ve never been clinically diagnosed. Like other interviewees before me, I recognize the dangers of self-diagnosis. However, both my mother and grandmother have been diagnosed with bipolar one disorder, and since I exhibit many of the same behaviors, it’s a safe bet.
Symptoms of bipolar disorder vary wildly from person to person. It’s usually characterized by dramatic mood swings, and for me personally, it’s usually a response to a frustrating situation. I often blank out and I don’t realize what’s happening. My memories of what happens are similar to trying to remember a particular dream; you can recall little things but it’s all really foggy. Those around me describe my actions as fits of anger and pure rage, and I can remember feeling angry before I lapse but what happens afterward for me is always hazy, and that’s proven terrifying for me in particular. After it happens, I can’t blame anyone or anything around me. Regardless if I’m in control of a situation, I still take responsibility for any actions I make because those actions are often harmful. I think, to a lesser extent, I think my condition appears in waves of anxiety. Before a big test or deadline, or maybe just something as simple as taking a phone call. Most people think bipolar disorder is just random, but for me, there’s always a catalyst or trigger. My biggest fear is that I’m going to end up hurting myself, or worse, the people I love, because of some small thing that plunges me down the rabbit hole.
Bipolar disorder was always in the back of my head. It wasn’t something that I necessarily dwelled on or even thought about consistently but every once in a while I’d just be deathly afraid of anything happening. I occasionally had a bipolar attack at school, but it would always be unexpected. I’d be sitting in class, perfectly fine and content for a second; and in the next, I’m hyperventilating or fuming because we have a new assignment or a pop quiz or something. It was honestly very challenging, and I’d usually wait the period out in a bathroom or something to try and calm myself down.
I suppose it’s the same as most people. I wake up, do the normal routines of breakfast and tidy up my desk, and off to the online school I go. Bipolar disorder doesn’t really affect me as much in this scenario with regards to school, but I will still conditionally have an attack at home that cripples my ability to function for some time.
I wouldn’t necessarily say it makes it harder; the compressed schedule and workload has definitely added more stress to my life, as of late, and obviously that kind of thing doesn’t help my condition but, as far as I can tell, it’s nothing that directly affects how I perform in school. Usually, if I have an incident, it’s because of a factor at home that I didn’t really see coming.
I think it’s fewer tasks and more scenarios. Certain social situations that would be easier to navigate for most people can be incredibly stressful for me. Whenever people are arguing or just general conflicts are a lot more stress-inducing for me because I’ll never know what’s going to set me off or if I’m going to be able to keep a level head. All of this just makes some situations I know are going to be tense even tenser.
I think just understanding what was going on with me and learning to cope and live with it was extremely challenging. I remember many points in middle school where this would affect me and I wouldn’t even know what was going on, and I ended up pushing away some people and alienating others. I learned labels such as “hothead”, and I couldn’t really dispute that fact. But I think ultimately I’m glad it happened the way it did because it’s helped me learn and adapt to how I can handle it.
It’s hard to pinpoint a singular instance, but there was a time more recently where my home life was tumultuous and chaotic, and I didn’t handle it very well. My outbursts were more and more frequent and there were days where I’d spend the entire time in the woods to get away from people. It definitely wasn’t pretty, but slowly I just realized, with the help of some of the people closest to me, that the only true way to cope with a situation is by adjusting your attitude. If I can recognize that a chain of events will happen in a way that will affect me, I can take certain steps to circumvent those occurrences from ever happening in the first place and avoid conflict. This is applicable beyond my disorder, as well, but I think it helped me through some lower points.
It can be a struggle, for sure, but I’m more blessed. I know people with cases of bipolar disorder that are much more severe and involve other factors that don’t plague someone like me. My version of coping is reducing conflict as much as I can. If I don’t feel comfortable in a situation I know is going to boil over, I can just leave. I don’t want to be the match that starts the fire or the gas that gets added to it. It’s better to avoid something like that altogether.
My condition is not that’s readily apparent to the average joe, but I think it affects people who interact with me regularly. I don’t like to make excuses for the actions I make, so I think the only thing I want people to know about me is that I’m working on getting better. I know I can do better than I have before, and I want people to see me for who I am as a person and not someone who just goes around either extremely depressed or angry all the time. I want people to see the best version of me possible, and the only way that can happen is if I work on that version of myself as much as I can.
I think the most underestimated thing about bipolar disorder is how different it can be for each person who has it. It isn’t characterized by extreme anger or depression always; it can manifest itself in several different ways that vary extremely different from person to person. I’m not one to believe that because of this disorder any actions that result in people getting hurt are completely annulled morally because of it and, to put it aptly, screwing up is still screwing up regardless. I think people should just recognize that, sometimes, people do things that they aren’t really aware they are doing, and I think that’s up for the people involved to take that information as they will. I think, if you can find it in your heart to forgive easier than others, that you are an individual of high character, but it doesn’t degrade someone’s character for not displaying copious amounts of compassion.
You are not alone. You might not even know it’s happening to you, but that’s okay. Don’t ever feel like you’re the only person in the world who has experienced what you have, because that creates an ostracized mentality that can lead to self-harm. There are people that care for you and love you, always. And it’s okay to reach out if you recognize something’s amiss. Don’t loathe who you are as a person for the mistakes you’ve made in the past. You are loved.
Grants Pass High School Has Licensed Therapists:
Kris Stuart- Mental Health Counselor
Mr. Baxter - Options Specialist Counselor
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Hotline:
US: Text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a Crisis Counselor
They are there to help. If you need it please ask. You do not have to fight this battle alone.
Living With...