Astrologists Can’t Keep Getting Away With This
A satire article written by Mariah Lumsden regarding astrology that will make you unstable like an Aquarius.
Astrologists Can’t Keep Getting Away With This
By Mariah Lumsden
Have you ever sat down to Google something along the lines of: “What type of zodiac sign is most likely to become a serial killer?” If you answered yes to that question, then you might be seriously mentally sick. Astrologists are getting out of control. They will blame just about anything on zodiac signs, the stars not aligning, and something about Mercury retrograde.
Image: Mercury, captured by NASA
Of course, it is sometimes easier to blame having a bad day on something like it being a No Bones day, or Mercury being in retrograde (whatever that means), or maybe you just might happen to be a Scorpio, and that is your own problem that you have got to deal with on your own. Just because you looked up at your phone that you are on at all hours of the day and saw that it happened to be 11:11 does not mean that your crush is going to tell you that they like you back.
Trust me.
Stop trying to figure out everybody’s birthdays. It is weird and off-putting. Even though I myself might be guilty of doing this to everybody I come into contact with, this does not make it okay. I think we should normalize lying to each other about our zodiac signs so that the astrology girls will become confused and maybe stop asking questions. You are not a witch if you can guess somebody’s zodiac sign the fifth time you ask and play it off, like, “Oh yeah. I knew you were a Gemini.” If somebody is a Gemini, then run away. You will know.
It is hard to understand why humans have to put people into boxes all the time. Just because you are an Aries does not mean that you are a bad person. You just have anger issues and you need to talk to someone about that. Hey, maybe you are an Aries without anger issues. Congratulations. Does your moon have Cancer? Go to the doctor. Maybe that is what all of this “shifting realities” concept is about. You need to get your brain actually checked out. The tarot cards say you are experiencing a spiritual awakening. Girl, you have got an essay due tomorrow in Connelly’s class. You are not transcending; you need to clean your room. And another thing: stop trying to manifest a significant other. It is kind of weird, lowkey. Thinking about them super hard is not going to make them magically think of you. Writing their name down on a piece of paper seven times is kind of Joe Goldberg behavior.
Image: Tarot cards, from The Cut
In summary, astrology people should be allowed to be crazy, within moderation. I am all for living your delusional little life, but do not make it other people’s problems. There is not enough time in the day to memorize all of the people at your AP Gov table’s birth charts. I promise. Will I be taking my own advice? No. But you should definitely take my advice because everything you read on the internet is true.
