Effects of Divorce on Children
A Guide for Parents and Families Navigating Divorce:, all in one place.
First, A Quote of Comfort
Lee and Bax (2000) surmised it eloquently in concluding:
“Parents are typically concerned about how divorce may affect their children; thus, it can be very reassuring for them to learn about the common reactions that children have to divorce, and to learn that strengthening their own support systems, developing a non-adversarial co-parenting relationship and maintaining a quality parent-child relationship will help their child adapt." (Lee & Bax, 2000, pp. 19)
Table of Contents
Divorce & Children Fast Facts
Statistics and Findings on Impact of Divorce on Children
According to the American Psychological Association, between 40%-50% of couples get divorced (APA, 2018)
The Stages of Grief also go by the acronym, DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance (Gregory, 2021)
According to Tamara Afifi in her TEDx Talk, the variable that has the most impact on how children cope after their parents’ divorce is the level of conflict.
The American Psychological Association declares that research shows it is more detrimental for children to stay in a volatile home environment with married parents than it is to go through the divorce process (APA, 2018).
The first four years of life is a time of developmental vulnerability by virtue of the rapid physical, cognitive, language, social and emotional development during this time. The brain, about 30% formed at birth, expands threefold during the first three years (McIntosh, 2011).
Kathleen Smith, Ph.D. describes for the NYU counseling blog that children age 5-8 range may react to the loss of security in their routine and environment by reverting to an earlier developmental stage. They may urinate in bed, suck their thumb, or revert to tantrums when angry (Smith, 2017)
Hoffman (2018) points out that kids ages 12-14 are cognitively much better able to process the complex issues related to divorce.
According to Carl Pickhardt, experiencing their parents’ divorce may accelerate behaviors of independence, aggression, risky behaviors in adolescents
Not all children will react the same way; there are many variables that impact the experience and the resulting behaviors that may be exhibited.
Risks for Children
Mental health problems
Behavior problems
Poor academic performance
Risk taking behavior
Helping Children Adjust
Keys to Your Childs Wellbeing
Co parent peacefully
Avoid putting kids in the middle
Maintain healthy relationships
Use consistent discipline
Monitor adolescents closely
Empower your children
Teach coping skills
Help kids feel safe
Seek parent education
Get professional help when needed
Assemble a Support System
(Morin, 2021)
What Parents NEED to Do
As Soon as Possible:
Activate your adult support system
Grandparents
Friends
Religious affiliation
Parent support groups
Individual counseling
If necessary seek professional help in new parenting role
Problem solving interventions with both parents could help
***A child seeing a parent coping well with the challenges will reduce the stress your child feels, and this will decrease the likelihood for your child to need professional help later on.
(Lee & Bax, 2000)
If Child is Splitting Time Between Parents...
Key Points to Remember for Your Child's Wellbeing
Quality of relationship with parents far is more important than quantity of time
Child needs a relationship with both parents and the value of being nurtured by each, so crucial to support.
Know things are different in every household, this diversity in experience enriches the child's life
Focus on providing nurturing warmth and structure as you create your new relationship of shared parenting
***Key Elements for the Child to Thrive****
Children benefit when parents regularly communicate about the details of the child's life (if verbally is too hard, try emailing or a journal)
Keep a flexible hold on the parenting plan, things will need to adapt and adjust and revise as child gets older and things change
(Lee & Bax, 2000)
When To Seek Help For Your Child
Start with talking to pediatrician to share concerns
Individual counseling
Family counseling
Support groups
(Morin, 2021)
Behavioral Changes to Watch For
• Decreased concentration
• Lashing out
• Trying to be perfect
• Impaired academic performance
• Distrust of adults
• Impaired peer relationships
• Withdrawal • Neediness
• Decreased enthusiasm
• Mood fluctuations (Kalter, 1990)
What Educators Can Do
• Provide structure and routine.
• Provide the child with a relationship with a stable adult.
• Provide comfort and solace.
• Immediacy of help
• Be a positive adult role model.
• Reach out to school counselor for additional support. (Kalter, 1990)
Resources
To Read
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss – August 1, 2014
Growing Up With Divorce: Helping Your Child Avoid Immediate and Later Emotional Problems – January 5, 2006
by Neil Kalter
Articles to Read
Helping Children Cope with Divorce.pdfHelping Children Cope with Divorce
By Dena B. Targ, Published on 09/01/82
How A Divorce Is Like a Loss for Children: The 5 Stages
It is important to recognize the stages of loss associated with divorce, so parents can help their children effectively. The five stages of grief and loss can be categorized as follows.
Children going through grief May15 (1).pdfChildren Go Through the Grief Cycle During Divorce or Separation
Even though you may not realize it, divorce or separation will cause your children to go through the same stages of grief that you are experiencing. To the child it is much the same as if there was a death in the family. Each parent or child experiences grief in their own way.
Stay Together for the Kids? When Divorce Might Benefit Everyone
When chronic conflict between parents is the norm, kids may be negatively impacted. Divorce- when handled well- may have a better outcome for both parties.
Five Stages Of Grief - Understanding the Kubler-Ross Model
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages of grief, popularly referred to as DABDA. They include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Effective Discipline_ Guidelines for Parents.pdfHelping Children Cope with Stress.pdfFather_s Care _ Involvement Influence and Affection_ Three Keys.pdfBeing an Advocate for Your Child or Grandchild.pdfEncouraging Positive Self-Concepts in Children.pdfIf You Dont Like It Neither Do I.pdf
"Mommy & Daddy are Getting a Divorce..." An Age-Based Guide on How To Tell Your Children.
To Watch
VIDEOS FOR KIDS!
Sesame Street productions of several videos in the Divorce Toolkit to help children understand divorce.
To Watch
Adult Oriented
To Learn More
Marriage and Divorce
Marriage and divorce are both common experiences.
Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems.
Divorce may influence well-being, with many individuals experiencing depression, loneliness and isolation, self-esteem difficulties, or other psychological distress.
References
Berlin, G. (2017, April 24). The Effects of Marriage and Divorce on Families and Children. MDRC. https://www.mdrc.org/publication/effects-marriage-and- divorce-families-and-children
Broadwell, L. (2005, October 4). Age-by-Age Guide to What Children Understand About Divorce. Parents; Parents. https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/age-by-age-guide-to-what-children-understand-about-divorce/
Cooper, A. T. (2016a, March 9). “Mommy & Daddy are Getting a Divorce...” AN AGE-BASED GUIDE ON HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN. HuffPost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mommy-daddy-are-getting-a_b_9410038
Cooper, A. T. (2016b, June 7). How A Divorce Is Like a Loss for Children: The 5 Stages. HuffPost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-a-divorce-is-like-a-loss-for-children-the-5-stages_b_10281458
GoodTherapy.org. (2017, September 7). Stay Together for the Kids? When Divorce Might Benefit Everyone. GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/stay-together-for-kids-when-divorce-might-benefit-everyone-0907174
Gregory, C. (2021, May 4). Five Stages Of Grief - Understanding the Kubler-Ross Model. PsyCom.net - Mental Health Treatment Resource since 1986. https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html
Kalter, N. (1990). Growing up with divorce: Helping your child avoid immediate and later emotional problems. New York, NY: Free Press.
Kalter, N. (2006). Growing up with divorce : helping your child avoid immediate and later emotional problems. Free Press.
Karuppaswamy, N., & Myers-Walls, J. A. (n.d.). Stages of adjustment to divorce. Retrieved from the Provider-Parent Partnerships website: https://www.extension.purdue.edu/providerparent/familychild%20relationships/StagesAdjustment.htm
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief & grieving : finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner.
Lee, C. M., & Bax, K. A. (2000). Children’s reactions to parental separation and divorce. Paediatrics & Child Health, 5(4), 217–218. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2817796/
Marriage Helper. (2019). How Divorce Affects Children [YouTube Video]. In YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uM_BRdhYybI
McIntosh, J. E. (2011, June). Divorce and separation: Special considerations for infants | Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development. Www.child-Encyclopedia.com. http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/special-considerations-infants-and-toddlers
McKenzie, S. (2015). Being an Advocate for Your Child or Grandchild. Historical Documents of the Purdue Cooperative Extension Service. https://docs.lib.purdue.edu/agext/1067
Morin, A. (2021, February 21). The psychological effects of divorce on children. Verywell Family. https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170
Myers-Walls, J., & Smith, C. (1980). Effective Discipline: Guidelines for Parents. Historical Documents of the Purdue Cooperative Extension Service. https://docs.lib.purdue.edu/agext/949
Myers-Walls, J., Hinkley, K., & Reid, W. (2015). Encouraging Positive Self-Concepts in Children. Historical Documents of the Purdue Cooperative Extension Service. https://docs.lib.purdue.edu/agext/1043
Patel, S. (2017, March 27). The Impact of Divorce on School-Aged Children. Nyu.edu. https://counseling.steinhardt.nyu.edu/blog/impact-of-divorce-on-students/
Pickhardt, C. (2009). Parental divorce and adolescents. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200908/parental-divorce-and-adolescents
Pickhardt, C. E. (2011). The Impact of Divorce on Young Children and Adolescents. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201112/the-impact-divorce-young-children-and-adolescents
Poppe, L. (n.d.). Children Go Through the Grief Cycle During Divorce or Separation. https://extension.unl.edu/statewide/dodge/Children%20going%20through%20grief%20May15.pdf
Samarzija, J., & Myers-Walls, J. (1990). Helping Children Cope with Stress. Historical Documents of the Purdue Cooperative Extension Service. https://docs.lib.purdue.edu/agext/1037
Smith, C. (1990). Father’s Care – Involvement, Influence, and Affection: Three Keys to Father-Child Relationships. Historical Documents of the Purdue Cooperative Extension Service. https://docs.lib.purdue.edu/agext/1038
Smith, K. (2017, March 27). The impact of divorce on school-aged children [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://counseling.steinhardt.nyu.edu/blog/impact-of-divorce-on-students/
Strasheim, C. (2002). How Divorce Affects Children: Developmental Stages. https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1081&context=extensionhist
Targ, D. (1982). Helping Children Cope with Divorce. Historical Documents of the Purdue Cooperative Extension Service. https://docs.lib.purdue.edu/agext/953