The “What Happened?” Conversation 

The facts of the situation. Each person imprints value on different facts based on their experience and perspective

4 Thought-Ruts We Must Hurdle

• Truth Assumption

  • Either/or thinking: “Either I’m right and she is wrong, or she’s right and I’m wrong”

  • Alleges only one person can be telling the truth, and we need to see ourselves in a positive light, so we become distrustful of the other person 

• Intention Invention

  • We create a malicious motivation for the other person in our mind and believe it, especially when we get hurt because of something they did

  • We assume they did it on purpose just to hurt us, with hostile intent and cunning to get this outcome and cause hurt

• Blame Frame

  • We look at what led up to the situation and create excuses for ourselves to alleviate us from responsibility for the outcome

  • We also look for reasons to blame the other person, ideally with full responsibility

• And-Stance (Spoiler Alert: Aim for This One!)

  • Describe your story from your perspective, and invite the other person to share their side of the story

  • Adapt a third version together that includes important aspects from each side and reflective of the differing perspectives of each, and then how they come together to form a resolution that works sustainably for both to be happy (Edson, 2013A).

Life Hack #3

Pay attention to your thoughts because your they become your feelings. 

Pay attention to your feelings because they become your behaviors. 

Pay attention to your behaviors because they become your habits. (CBT main tenets)

The Feelings Conversation

Our emotions can be elusive and hard to pin down. As with everything, we make progress with practice. Everything we feel tells us something about ourselves we need to pay attention to. All emotions are okay, it's all about how we handle them. Trust the process. 

3-Steps To Find Out What You’re Feeling

1. Notice what you are feeling

• The following feelings Stone et al. (2010) reveals we humans tend to struggle to recognize primary emotions:

• • • • • • Love: Affectionate, caring, close, proud, passionate

          • Anger: Frustrated, exasperated, enraged, indignant

          • Hurt: Let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy

          • Shame: Embarrassed, guilty, regretful, humiliated, self-loathing

          • Fear: Anxious, terrified, worried, obsessed, suspicious

          • Self-Doubt: Inadequate, unworthy, inept, unmotivated

          • Joy: Happy, enthusiastic, full, elated, content

          • Sadness: Bereft, wistful, joyless, depressed

          • Jealousy: Envious, selfish, covetous, anguished, yearning

          • Gratitude: Appreciative, thankful, relieved, admiring

          • Loneliness: Desolate, abandoned, empty, longing

(Stone et al., 2010)

2. Negotiate with your feelings

• Weigh the validity of your feelings against the truth of what happened. Did you overreact? Underreact? Do you have reason to feel the way you do? 

• What perception do you have of what happened? What thought-traps or assumptions could you be making? Identify your contribution to what happened.

3. Navigate your feelings 

• Pull yourself together. Take deep breaths, visualize your surroundings, engage all five of your senses to bring you back to the present moment

• Identify what you are feeling from the list, and consider what happened to make you feel this way

• When you are ready to approach the other person, decide what feelings and aspects of what happened deem worthy of addressing. If you can let go and move on without a discussion, great. If you need resolution and a plan moving forward, initiate the conversation to prevent it from happening again (Stone et al., 2010).

Acknowledging the Contribution System

Every person involved in the situation contributes in some way. This is not blaming anyone, this is volunteering our own contribution to encourage the other person to do the same. This promotes ability to process at a much deeper level.

Incognito Contributions

• Avoiding until it’s unavoidable

• Bring too busy / unapproachable 

• Crossing at intersections

• Unproductive thought traps

Understanding Other's Contributions 

• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

• Look on from an outsider’s perspective 

Map Out the Contribution System

• The other person’s contribution

• Your contribution

• Any additional people involved?

(Stone et al., 2010)

The Identity Conversation

Identity Stories

What we consciously know about ourselves and believe to be true

Identity Quakes

We lose our ability to maintain rationality when our sense of identity becomes threatened. The perceived threat often arises from inconsistencies with the identity stories we tell ourselves, and usually rubs up against unfavorable answers to the following questions our inner voices all ask.

Three Questions Stoking Quake States

• Am I Good?

• Am I Loved?

• Am I Competent?

Three Steps to Regain Control After a Quake

1. Find your balance and come back to your body. Engage your five senses and practice grounding exercises.

2. Look for patterns in what feelings came up because of what happened, and why, you think, in your past experience, this situation would lead to prompt those feelings.

3. Seek honest feedback from yourself. Only you can answer these questions and prevent a Quake from occurring again. Validate the truth these feelings spoke for you, and work to find solutions to get through the present, and opportunities/resources to heal from the past in the upcoming future (Questlawcollaborative, 2013).

How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation 

Resources to Guide Preparation

Use these resources to guide your preparation process in advance of the difficult conversation.

During a Difficult Conversation 

4 Steps to Crafting Successful Outcomes

1. Adopt a mindset of wonder, seek to learn from the other person as your only goal

2. Acknowledge their perspective by summarizing what you understand back to them 

3. Advocate your perspective as if holes in their story, express your point without minimizing theirs

4. Agree what needs to be done to move forward, implement sustainable solutions (Ringer, n.d.)

7 Steps to Navigate Hard Conversations with Kids

1. Make sure to choose a time when the child feels relaxed 

2. Research the main issue for discussion in advance, see how other parents respond

3. Actively listen to your child and address fears and concerns

4. Offer concrete, actionable options for moving forward

5. Point out any positives in the situation

6. Find and read books on the topic together

7. Ensure the conversations persist (Singh, 2019)

8 Strategies to Rescue a Crashing Conversation

• “Shift relationship from opposition to partnership

• Reframe your purpose from convincing to learning

• Verbalize your intentions

• Avoid assumptions

• Examine other person’s perspective with openness and curiosity

• Acknowledge your part

• Avoid blame, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling

• Seek input to problem solving" (Valcour, 2017)

References

Edson, H. (2013a, November 7). The “what happened?” conversation, part 1 [Blog post]. 

Retrieved from http://familytreemediation.net/blog/item/52-the-what-happened-conversation-part-1 

Garfinkle, J. (2017, May 24). How to have difficult conversations when you don’t like conflict. 

Retrieved from 

https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-youdont-like-conflict 

Heathfield, S. (2017, February 15). Ban the feedback sandwich for employee feedback.

Retrieved from 

https://www.thebalance.com/ban-the-feedback-sandwich-for-employeefeedback-1918465 

McCarthy, D. (2017, August 21). Learning to deliver feedback effectively: Good and bad 

examples. Retrieved from 

https://www.thebalance.com/good-and-bad-examples-of-feedback-2275923  

Mind Tools Content Team. (n.d.)."Yes" to the person, "no" to the task: Asserting yourself while 

maintaining relationships [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCS_92.htm 

Munro, D. (2015, October 17). How to lead a conversation[Blog post]. Retrieved 

from http://www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/how-to-lead-a-conversation/ 

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A., & Covey, S. R. (2012). Crucial 

conversations. Updated second edition. Grand Haven, Michigan: Brilliance Audio.

Questlawcollaborative. (2013, September 29). Identity quakes: Personal core-shockers [Blog

post]. Retrieved from 

https://collaborativecompound.wordpress.com/2013/09/29/identityquakes-personal-core-shockers/ 

Ringer, J. (n.d.). We have to talk: A step-by-step checklist for difficult conversations. Retrieved 

September 18, 2021, from 

https://www.judyringer.com/resources/articles/we-have-to-talk-a-stepbystep-checklist-for-difficult-conversations.php. 

Singh, A.W. (2019). 7 Essential Steps to Having Difficult Conversations with Kids. Retrieved 

from https://multiculturalkidblogs.com/2019/02/22/difficult-conversations-kids/ 

Stachowiak, D. (n.d.). 3 differences between feedback and criticism. Retrieved from 

http://coachingforleaders.com/feedback-vs-criticism/ 

Stone, D., Patton, B., Heen, S., & Fisher, R. (2010). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss 

What Matters Most (Illustrated ed.). Penguin Books. 

Teaching Tolerance (2012). Difficult Conversations: A Self-Assessment (The Southern Poverty 

Law Center). Retrieved from 

https://forumea.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Difficult_Conversations_Self_Assessment.pdf 

Teaching Tolerance (2015). Responding to Strong Emotions (The Southern Poverty 

Law Center). Retrieved from  https://www.learningforjustice.org/sites/default/files/general/Responding_to_Strong_Emotions.pdf 

Triad Consulting Group (2004). Difficult Conversations Information Worksheets and Instructions (Pervin Family Business Advisors, 

Inc.). Retrieved from http://www.pervinfamilybusiness.com/library/articles/difficult-conversations-overview.pdf 

Valcour, M. (2017, May 22). 8 ways to get a difficult conversation back on track. Retrieved from 

https://hbr.org/2017/05/8-ways-to-get-a-difficult-conversation-back-on-track