Social Cruelty

Types of Social Cruelty

Teasing - the act of making fun of a difference in someone to criticize his or her traits, diminish his or her social standing, and set him or her apart socially. The cruel message is “There’s something wrong with you.” Teasing is intended to humiliate with insults.

Exclusion - the act of refusing to let someone associate with others or join a group. The cruel message is “You don’t belong.” Exclusion is intended to isolate with rejection.

Bullying - the act of verbally or physically intimidating, injuring, coercing, or dominating another person. The cruel message is “You can be pushed around.” Bullying is intended to frighten with threatened or actual harm.

Rumoring - the act of using gossip to spread lies or secrets about another person that demeans his or her social reputation. The cruel message is “You can’t control the bad things that people say about you that others are ready to believe.” Rumoring is intended to slander with confidential truths or blatant lies.

Ganging Up - the act of the many using their greater numbers to torment one particular person. The cruel message is “You have no friends to support you, only enemies against you.” Ganging up is intended to pit the group against the individual.

Each kind of social cruelty preys on a different early adolescent fear:

Teasing preys on the fear of being inferior: “Something is wrong with me.” It undermines self-esteem.

Exclusion preys on the fear of isolation: “I have no friends.” It accentuates loneliness.

Bullying preys on the fear of weakness: “I’m unable to stand up for myself.” It increases a sense of impotence.

Rumoring preys on the fear defamation: “People say mean things about me.” It slurs reputation.

Ganging up preys on the fear of persecution: “Everyone has turned against me.” It makes one feel like a social outcast.

Resource: Why Good Kids Act Cruel: The Hidden Truth about the Pre-Teen Years by Carl Pickhardt, PhD. 2010

Be a Black Hole or a Gray Rock

Responding to Social Cruelty

“Are you finished acting mean now?”
“When you’re done insulting me can we get back to having fun?”
Own what they say, “Yeah, so what?” or “Yeah, that was the past and I did that, but can we focus on now?”
Sarcasm, “Thanks for sharing those compliments.”
Shrug it off and dismiss the insult, “Eh, whatever.”
State your right, “I don’t deserve to be threatened and/or treated like that. Please stop.” If they continue or don’t take responsibility, walk away, you’ve made your case and they have shown they aren’t ready to change.
Don’t respond how they want you to. For example, be happy instead of angry, laugh at yourself instead of defend.
Remember, they are putting you down in order to get power and control. They get that if we respond how they want us to.

4 Ways to Be an Upstander

Be a buddy: Ask if the person being targeted is okay
Interrupt: Ask the person being targeted to join your game/activity.
- "hey, do you want to play with me?"
Speak out: Speak directly to the person causing harm
- “Stop”
- “That’s not funny”
- “That’s not okay”
- “Leave them alone”
Tell someone: Help the person targeted report it (to your Teacher, Counselor, Office)

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