Assertiveness

Being Assertive

The Components of Assertive Behavior

  • Eye contact (look directly at who you are talking to)

  • Gestures (accentuate your message with appropriate and relaxed gestures to add emphasis, openness and warmth)

  • Distance (not too close, not too far)

  • Body Posture (face towards the person, stand up and stand up straight)

  • Facial Expression (serious and firm, rather than too angry or too nice)

  • Voice tone, inflection, volume (direct and firm)

  • Thoughts (your perspective as well as the other person’s)

  • Persistence (don’t give up and say, “oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it.”)

  • Fluency...Timing...Listening...Content (no hesitations or interrupted speak, sooner than later, tuning in to the other person and attempting to understand, use I-messages to reduce blame and help the conversation end with mutual content)

We all have the right to express ourselves and our needs, and to feel good (not powerless or guilty) about doing so, as long as we do not hurt others in the process

What you say must take into consideration to whom you are saying it

Effective assertive communication can build positive, equal relationships between people

Deciding When to be Assertive

  1. Do you know what really happened?

  2. How much does it matter?

  3. Will you get what you want?

  4. Do you just want to express yourself?

  5. What are your options?

  6. Do you want a positive outcome?

  7. Are you prepared to be assertive?

  8. Have you counted to ten?

  9. Would it be better to wait?

  10. Will you kick yourself if you do nothing?

  11. Have you done everything you can?

  12. What are the probable consequences - and risks?

  13. Will assertion make any difference?

Resource: Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti, PhD and Michael Emmons, PhD, 10th Edition, 2017