SENTENCES

Instead of joining two statements with “how,” “is when,” “is because” and “like when,” change the second to a noun phrase. See the entries on “how,” “(is) because,” “(is) when/where,” and “(like) when” in the Glossary.

VAGUE: I like how you wear your hair.

CLEAR: I like the way you wear your hair.

BETTER: I like your hairstyle.

VAGUE: He tells her about how he loves her.

CLEAR: He tells her that he loves her.

VAGUE: The reason he is absent is because he is sick.

CLEAR: The reason he is absent is that he is sick. He is absent because he is sick.

VAGUE: Photosynthesis is when plants exposed to light form carbohydrates.

CLEAR: Photosynthesis is the formation of carbohydrates by plants exposed to light.

VAGUE: Boo Radley helps the children, like when he mends Jem’s trousers.

CLEAR: Boo Radley performs helpful services for the children, like mending Jem’s trousers.

3. Do not shift between indirect and direct discourse.

In indirect discourse one statement or question is reported within another, not quoted word-for-word.

WRONG (indirect to direct): Mom told us to have fun but don’t stay out after dark.

RIGHT: Mom told us to have fun but return home before dark.

Indirect questions do not take question marks or quotation marks. Avoid shifts to direct questions:

WRONG: She asked if it is on sale and how much does it cost.

RIGHT (two indirect questions): She asked if it is on sale and how much it costs.

RIGHT (two direct questions): She asked, “Is is on sale?” and “How much does it cost?”

Mx.Q: avoid shifts when you quote passages with personal pronouns.

In the passage below, the “me” seems to refer to the writer, not to Lady Macbeth:

WRONG: Lady Macbeth tells her husband to “Leave all the rest to me” (1.5.74).

RIGHT: Lady Macbeth gives her husband reassurance: “Leave all the rest to me” (1.5.74).

RIGHT: Lady Macbeth tells her husband, “Leave all the rest to me” (1.5.74).

RIGHT: Lady Macbeth tells her husband to “Leave all the rest to [her]” (1.5.74).

Ch: choppy sentences.

Avoid writing a series of simple (subject-verb) sentences.

Choppy sentences make an essay or story sound like an elementary school textbook:

CHOPPY: A boy on the playground bumped into me. I pushed him back. He did not do anything. Then I pushed him again. He started to cry. I was surprised.

For the correction, see the next section (flabby sentences).

Fl: flabby sentences.

Two errors are common.

1. Avoid loosely stringing sentences together, especially with “and” and “so.”

Flabby sentences sound like an aimless gush of thoughts. Note the vague connectives:

FLABBY: There was a boy playing on the playground and he bumped into me, so I pushed him back, but when I did, he did not do anything, and then he started to cry when I pushed him again, which was not what I expected.

IMPROVED: What started as an everyday playground pushing match had a surprising outcome. When a boy bumped me, my payback shove did not produce the macho reaction I expected. He cried instead.

In the flabby version the most important idea (“he started to cry”) is lost in the middle of the string of clauses. The improved version builds up to the main idea and clearly indicates the logical connections. No longer flabby, it is lean, with clearly defined muscles and sinews.

For more information refer to the Glossary (Part Three) under “and” and “so.”

GRAMMAR TIP: Weak Connections

and are is was were so then

2. Restructure sentences for emphasis.

When you try to pack several ideas into one sentence, think about its structure. The sentence below is flabby:

FIRST DRAFT: When he got slapped in the face after he said something he thought was a joke but she took it as an offensive comment, he learned a lesson about thinking before speaking, which I had often told him but he never listened.

The sentence trails off onto information of lesser importance. Which part is the main idea? Where should the sentence end? What is the best order for the eight parts?

When [1] he got slapped in the face

after [2] he said something he thought was a joke

but [3] she took it as an offensive comment,

[4] he learned a lesson

about [5] thinking before speaking,

which [6] I had often told him

but [7] he never listened.

The next draft reorders the ideas to put emphasis where it belongs:

BETTER: Although [6] I had often told him [5] to think before speaking, [7] he never listened, but [4] he finally learned a lesson when [3] she took offense at a comment [2] he thought was a joke and [1] slapped him in the face.

Literally and figuratively, the third draft has an even stronger impact:

BEST: None of my friendly warnings to think before speaking taught him as effectively as a well-deserved slap in the face.

GRAMMAR TIP: Coordination and Subordination

Simple sentences rely on coordination to link ideas. Coordinating conjunctions like “and” and “but” make the ideas they join equal in importance. Complex sentences use subordination; they show the logical relation between ideas, and they control where emphasis falls. The lists below are not complete:

Subordinating conjunctions: although, because, if, now that, when, whether, until.

Relative pronouns: who, whom, whose, that, which.

Prepositional phrases: against, beside, beyond, despite, except, throughout, upon, without.

Writers have different ways of linking ideas, each of which produces a different emphasis:

Coordinating conjunction: The home team tried harder, but they lost.

Subordinating conjunction: Although the home team tried harder, they lost.

Relative pronoun: The home team, which tried harder, lost anyway.

Conjunctive adverb: The home team tried harder; nevertheless, it lost.

Prepositional phrase: Despite greater effort, the home team lost.

Participial phrase: Trying harder to no avail, the home team lost.

Gerund phrase: Trying harder did not prevent the home team from losing.

Although coordination is easier than subordination, it has less range of expression. Writing that relies heavily on coordination can sound simple and childlike. Subordination is harder to master but necessary for mature formal writing. Skilled writers know when and how to use both.

* * * * *

Sim: simplify sentences that are too complicated.

Usually the solution is to sort out the ideas and make the sentence shorter and simpler:

WORDY: She is like a bird living in a cage and not able to survive without the cage.

CLEAR: She is like a bird unable to survive outside its protective cage.

Sometimes, however, a sentence needs to be divided into separate sentences. Even a reader familiar with the plot of The Scarlet Letter will have a hard time following this sentence:

OVERSUBORDINATED: The mistake that Hester makes that causes the most trouble later when her husband is pretending to be the minister’s friend when he is really trying to torture him is agreeing to keep her husband’s identity a secret.

CLEAR: Hester makes a mistake when she agrees to keep her husband’s identity a secret. Her error causes trouble later, when he pretends to be the minister’s friend in order to torture him.

Avoid writing consecutive “when” or “because” clauses. Make it clear what causes what:

AWKWARD: She was scolded because she hit her brother because he stole her bike.

Avoid a string of prepositional phrases:

AWKWARD: I sat in the middle of the group of people in the shade under the tree.

Var: vary sentence patterns.

Repetitious sentence patterns quickly become monotonous. The most common pattern is a series of simple subject + verb sentences, especially when the verb is “to be.”

INFORMAL: Atticus Finch is a lawyer. He lives in a small Alabama town called Maycomb. He is a father with two children. He is a widower and he is a single parent. He is an honest man, but he lives among poor, prejudiced people. He is the defender of a black man on trial and he has trouble.

BETTER: Atticus Finch is a widower who raises his two children alone. Poverty and prejudice govern Maycomb, the small Alabama town where he practices law. When a black man goes on trial, many of the townspeople resent Atticus for defending him.

Good writers mix sentences: long and short, complex and simple. Whenever you finish a draft, scan the sentences to see if your sentence patterns are varied.

Inter: avoid awkward interruptions.

One way to vary structure is to put a clause or phrase between the subject and predicate. However, the pattern can sound artificial, especially if the interruption is long. The sentence below would sound better with the “after” clause at the beginning or the end:

AWKWARD: The weather, after the ship left the port and entered the sea, turned bad.

Par: parallelism.

Phrases parallel in meaning should be parallel in structure:

FAULTY: I like to surf, bodyboarding and paddling.

PARALLEL: I like surfing, bodyboarding and paddling.

Seven errors are common. If your teacher marks “Par,” identify which error you committed:

1. Do not shift from one series to another in mid-sentence. The first version shifts from two verb phrases to two adjectives:

FAULTY: His job is to tend the pigs, make sure they are well-fed and content.

PARALLEL: His job is to tend the pigs and make sure they are well-fed and content.

PARALLEL: His job is to tend the pigs, feed them well, and make sure they are content.

2. Avoid paralleling (a) action verbs with linking verbs and (b) active voice with passive voice:

FAULTY: He talks rapidly, shuffles his feet, and is nervous. (2 action verbs, 1 linking verb)

PARALLEL: He talks rapidly, shuffles his feet, and trembles with nerves. (all action verbs)

FAULTY: He went bankrupt and was fired from his job. (active voice and passive voice)

PARALLEL: He went bankrupt and lost his job. (both verbs in active voice)

3. Avoid using the phrase “and how” to create loose parallelism:

FAULTY: I admire her beautiful singing and how she dances gracefully.

PARALLEL: I admire her beautiful singing and graceful dancing.

4. Do not omit words needed for parallelism:

FAULTY: knowledge and faith in God

PARALLEL: knowledge of and faith in God

FAULTY: buy or sell from

PARALLEL: buy from or sell to

FAULTY: has or will go

PARALLEL: has gone or will go

5. Sometimes you must repeat a relative pronoun (“that,” “who,” “whom,” “whose,” “which”) for clarity:

FAULTY: It is a book which few people have read but has stirred controversy.

PARALLEL: It is a book which few people have read but which has stirred controversy.

With only one pronoun (“that”) in the sentence below, the reader cannot tell which of two phrases is parallel to “he is always right”:

AMBIGUOUS: He believes that you are wrong and he is always right.

MEANING 1: He believes that you are wrong and he is always right.

MEANING 2: He believes that you are wrong and he is always right.

Is the point that he is a know-it-all? Or that you are probably wrong, since his judgment is good? Simple changes can make your meaning clear:

CLEAR (second “that”): He believes that you are wrong and that he is always right.

CLEAR (comma): He believes that you are wrong, and he is always right.

6. In a list, do not omit the “and” or “or,” and place it before the last item only:

WRONG: Four states border on Mexico: California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas.

WRONG: Four states border on Mexico: California and Arizona, New Mexico and Texas.

RIGHT: Four states border on Mexico: California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas.

7. In a parallel construction it is polite to put a first-person pronoun (like “I,” “me” or “mine”) last:

IMPOLITE: Our coach praised me and her. I and my friends had a picnic.

BETTER: Our coach praised her and me. My friends and I had a picnic.

Parallelism in the Prose of Samuel Johnson

Most rules in the Keables Guide tell you what to avoid. Parallelism is worth studying not only to avoid errors; if you use it well, it can add power and beauty to your writing. Samuel Johnson (the second most quoted English author after Shakespeare) used parallel structure creatively to give his ideas witty and memorable form, as in the sentences below.

He who praises everybody praises nobody.

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.

Let me smile with the wise and feed with the rich.

Samuel Johnson (1709-84), author of the first great English dictionary.

Th: use “that” when it is necessary for clarity.

Sometimes a sentence is misleading without “that.” The following sentence requires readers to do a double-take at the word “was.”

MISLEADING: The girl believed every word her peers were saying was false.

Readers think the girl was trusting, only to discover that the opposite is true. A simple change helps readers:

CLEAR: The girl believed that every word her peers were saying was false.

If there is no danger of misreading, “that” is optional.

CLEAR: She believed that her peers were wrong.

CLEAR: She believed her peers were wrong.

In sentences like the ones above, “that” is a conjunction, not a pronoun. However, “that” can be a demonstrative pronoun (“That is mine”), a demonstrative adjective (“That pen is mine”), or a relative pronoun (“the pen that you borrowed”).

Comp: do not leave comparisons incomplete.

Comparisons with “than” or “as” can cause errors:

WRONG: Your brain is larger than a dinosaur.

CLEAR BUT WORDY: Your brain is larger than the brain of a dinosaur.

CLEAR: Your brain is larger than that of a dinosaur.

CLEAR: Your brain is larger than a dinosaur’s.

CLEAR: Human brains are larger than dinosaur brains.

Some comparisons need an extra “as”:

WRONG: My opponent was not only as tall but stronger than I.

RIGHT BUT AWKWARD: My opponent was not only as tall as, but stronger than I.

BETTER: My opponent was not only as tall as I, but stronger.

Without a word like “else” or “other,” some comparisons are illogical:

WRONG: She is taller than anyone in the class.

RIGHT: She is taller than anyone else in the class.

WRONG: No resource is as vital as water.

RIGHT: No other resource is as vital as water.

The phrases for the things you compare should be parallel. The first sentence below is saying that the writer is strict:

MISLEADING: Like me, her parents are strict.

CLEAR: Like me, she has strict parents.

CLEAR: Like mine, her parents are strict.

In the following sentence from an essay on World War II, the writer intends to compare wars but mistakenly compares a war to a tide.

ILLOGICAL: Like World War I, the tide turned when America entered the conflict.

LOGICAL: Like World War I, World War II changed when America entered the conflict.

Beware of mistaking a preposition for a conjunction.

UNGRAMMATICAL: Like in World War I, the tide turned when America entered the conflict.

GRAMMATICAL: As in World War I, the tide turned when America entered the conflict.

Do not use words like “different” and “similar” without making the comparison clear.

UNCLEAR: Shakespeare writes about love in a different way.

CLEAR: Shakespeare writes about love in a different way than other poets.