Battering Rams to Be Installed In Stairways

“Sounds like a great idea,” said dean Dan O’Connor. “Maybe we should even get some in the lunchroom to stop them from speaking before prayer.” But Mr. O’Connor’s partner in the deans’ office, Mrs. Julie Chappeto, was hesitant. “What if a senior accidentally hits a junior while aiming at a freshman,” she wondered. “That junior could be seriously injured.” 

It was then up to the school’s Maintenance Engineer, Mr. Walter Perez, to install the battering rams in the hallways. “I didn’t know where I was going to find four battering rams,” said Mr. Perez. “I’m lucky Jackson Barrins had a few spare lying around in his basement at home that he kindly agreed to lend us.” 

While a few students were concerned about the battering rams, most were highly supportive of the idea. “I’m so sick of those freshmen blocking the hallways,” said Conner Sullivan, a junior. “Finally I can efficiently clear them out of the way so I can get to class and be the academic weapon I know I am.”

The freshmen, however, were very much against the idea of them being battered out of the way by upperclassmen. “I don't see how it's a problem that I'm struggling to find my classes,” said Nolan Esquivel while standing in the stairwell holding up thirty angry upperclassmen. “I’m new.” 

Other freshmen have also expressed their distaste at battering rams being used. “I’m already struggling to walk because of how many gassers coach made us run yesterday,” said Ryder Startz, freshman football player, “This is just going to make life worse.”

The faculty are also supportive of battering rams being installed because of how difficult it has been to get kids to class on time. “I’ve let three people go today already for being late,” said Mr. Haggerty. “They told me there was a freshman standing in the stairwell looking for what class he had next, so how can I blame them?” 

Some teachers have also found it difficult to arrive on time for class. “It’s ridiculous,” exclaimed math teacher Mrs. Jennifer Smola. “I go to get something from the office and back, and it takes ten minutes. “I’ve even been taking out my anger on my freshman class. They've been getting more homework.”

Due to the overwhelming positive feedback from everyone who matters in the school Mr. Tabernacki has decided that battering rams will be installed and ready for use by any upperclassman by November first at the latest. Mr. Tabernacki is even excited to get to use the battering rams himself. “This is going to be awesome,” he declared. “Just imagine a freshman flying down the stairway in fear.”