5 Things NOT To Say To A Trauma Survivor

5 Things NOT to Say to a Trauma Survivor

Written by: Jordan Kadish

Reviewed by: Melissa Cammack, LPC

Trauma can be an extremely tough experience to navigate, and the support of loved ones can make a significant difference in a trauma survivor’s life. However, not all words are helpful, and knowing what to say (and what not to say) to a trauma survivor can be the key to providing support that makes a difference. Many individuals are afraid to talk about trauma, whether it be their own or someone else’s. Even if you want to help a loved one with their trauma, you may be concerned about how to go about the topic and scared that you may retraumatize or offend them. This blog will go over 5 things to never say to someone who has endured trauma and 5 things that will likely help a trauma survivor feel supported and heard. 

5 Things NOT to Say to a Trauma Survivor

1. “It happened so long ago, just get over it.”

This is one of the most hurtful things one can say to a trauma survivor. It suggests that their experiences are insignificant and that they should be able to move on quickly as if nothing traumatic happened. Trauma survivors need time and space to process their feelings and emotions, even if that takes years. Telling them to "just get over it" is not only dismissive but shows a lack of empathy and understanding. There is no timeline for healing from trauma. Everyone's journey is completely different, and it's important to allow survivors to heal at their own pace. 

2. “It could have been worse. At least ____ didn’t happen!”

Although one may say these words in the hope of helping the trauma survivor “count their blessings” and think positively, it ultimately diminishes their experiences. Comparing someone else's “worse” experiences to a trauma survivor's experience is never helpful. Telling someone that their experience could have been worse minimizes their feelings and emotions, and makes them feel like their trauma is not “bad enough” to be struggling with. Metaphorically, this would be similar to telling someone who just got punched in the face to stop reacting, because at least they didn’t get hit by a car—the situations are completely unrelated, and both hurt the individual. 

3. “I know exactly how you feel.”

Unless you have experienced the same trauma as the survivor, you cannot truly know how they feel. And, even if you have gone through a similar experience, everyone's trauma response is personal and unique. Although one may think saying this counts as empathizing with the survivor, it can come off negatively. 

4. “Why didn't you do something to stop it?” or “Are you sure that really happened?"

Victim blaming is never acceptable. Trauma survivors are not responsible for the traumatic events that have happened to them, nor could they have put a stop to them in most cases. Asking why they didn't do something to stop it can make them feel like they are to blame for what happened. Likewise, questioning the validity of someone's trauma is also never helpful. Trauma survivors have already experienced enough doubt and confusion, and questioning their experiences can make them feel like they are not being believed. This can lead to them feeling as though they cannot share or talk about their experiences, which can cause isolation and depression. 

5. “You're so lucky to be alive.”

Survivors’ guilt is a common feeling among trauma survivors. Telling someone that they are lucky to be alive can make them feel guilty for surviving, especially if other people who went through similar traumatic events have died due to them. 

What SHOULD You Say to a Trauma Survivor?

1. “I believe you.”

Trauma survivors often feel like their experiences are being dismissed or not believed. It's important to validate their experiences and let them know that you believe them.

2. “I'm here for you.” 

Offering your support and being there for the survivor can be incredibly helpful. Trauma survivors often feel isolated and alone, so knowing that someone is there to support them can make a big difference. 

3. “What can I do to help?” or “How may I support you?”  

Offering your help by asking them what kind of support they’d like to receive can be more beneficial than vague offers of support. Asking the survivor what you can do to help shows that you are committed to supporting them in a tangible way. They may need some help finding a therapist, or just someone to listen. 

4. “What happened is not your fault.”

Trauma survivors often blame themselves for what happened, even if they were not at fault. Reminding them that this is not their doing can help alleviate feelings of guilt and shame.

5. “You are not alone.”

Trauma can be an isolating experience, but reminding the survivor that they are not alone can be comforting. Letting them know that others have gone through similar experiences and that there are resources available can help them feel less alone and more supported. 

In conclusion, it's extremely important to be supportive and understanding toward trauma survivors. Avoiding harmful phrases and comments can greatly affect their healing process. If you are unsure of what to say, it's okay to simply listen and be present for the survivor. Remember, everyone's healing journey is unique, and it's important to provide the support and resources needed to help them heal.