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Sunday Family Humour 17th April

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George Carlin Words of Wisdom

Thanks to Ron G

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

-“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”

-“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

-“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

-“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

-“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

-“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

-“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

-“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”

-“War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.”

-“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”

-“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

-“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

-“If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?”

-“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”

-“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

-“A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.'”

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