Chapter 16

Dear Diary,

This morning I heard Marisa on the phone. She was in the bathroom. I KNEW she was lying about never calling Lilian again.

I know I promised I would spy on her. I tried. I basically had my whole ear on the bathroom door. But I still couldn’t really hear what she was saying. She was speaking so quietly. I heard something like “I’m not going to meet you” and “Don’t trick me.” There was no way I could hear what Lilian was saying. All I really know is that she was making Marisa really mad.

I heard her hang up so I went back to bed and pretended to be asleep, but she was in there for a really long time before she finally came out. She told me she was going out to run “an errand” and that I could keep sleeping and I could have muffins for breakfast. I guess she decided to meet Lilian anyway. I almost asked why. But that would have been a bad move because then she would know I was spying on her and she would get mad.

But I should be the one getting mad! First she broke our rules and talked to Lilian. Then she lied about never calling her again. And now she’s going to break our rules even MORE because she’s GOING TO SEE LILIAN. As in LILIAN WHO WORKS FOR THEM.

I thought about following her, but she took the car. There was no way I could sneak into the back trunk without her noticing. So now I’m just here, being so mad at Marisa and watching stupid TV and eating a muffin. I’m not supposed to eat in bed because crumbs or whatever but WHO CARES. Marisa isn’t even here.

Why does she even talk to Lilian? Did she secretly know her before the clinic? Is that how she even found Doctor Heed in the first place? She found him pretty fast after my school incident. I should have known it was suspicious.

Sorry. I knocked you off the table. It was a hard fall. Some of your pages are bent now :( It was an accident, I swear. I was practicing my sparks. I’m supposed to practice only when Marisa is here so she can walk me through all the mind-fullness stuff and supervise me or whatever, but I don’t care. She’s not here. How is she ever going to know. And when I practice with her, she only lets me use small sparks. “Don’t want to cause an accident blah blah blah” well, I just created a humongous spark. It’s the size of my hand. And guess what? I called it up at least ten times, and not a SINGLE time caused an accident. (Except knocking you off the table. But that’s a small accident. Marisa makes it sound like I’ll blow up the whole place.) I would never get this far if I don’t practice secretly. And what’s the point of keeping it small, anyway? What if we get in trouble?

You know what’s really really weird? I hate the clinic, but at least when I did those tests with Doctor Heed, I felt strong. I felt POWERFUL. I smashed through all these different woods and tiles and metals. I splintered a bulletproof glass! Yeah, my head hurt like hell afterwards and I fainted or whatever, but I bet I could have sparked through the glass. I bet if I practiced like that every day, we wouldn’t even need to be afraid of cops, or even Them, because I could just blow them up in a millisecond. I wouldn’t even get dizzy. I would be a goddamn superhero. I’m sure Marisa would LOVE my giant sparks then.

Great. Now my head hurts. I’m bored. I want to go outside. And I’m HUNGRY.

I just remembered the secret candy I bought (hehe).

I’m sorry to report that it tastes REAL bad. It’s grape flavoured. It’s like cough syrup. I’m so mad. I should have picked the other flavour. That one was green so it was probably green apple, which is my favourite flavour. I just wanted to try something new :( At least it was only a dollar.

Well. There’s nothing else I can eat. Marisa said she’ll be back at 12 with hot lunch. But that’s a WHOLE NOTHER HOUR and I’m hungry NOW. We don’t even have anything good to drink. We just have apple juice boxes (I already had one for breakfast) and whatever’s in the kettle, but the water in there tastes like plastic. I think I would die if I keep drinking it. I guess I could drink the sink water. BUT DO I TRUST THE MOTEL PIPES??

I do have another option. It’s a forbidden option. There’s a vending machine outside (two, actually, one has snacks and one has liquids). I’m not supposed to leave the room. But Marisa isn’t supposed to be meeting our enemy either. And guess what!!! She isn’t here. And you won’t tell, right? It’s not like she ever reads you anyway. She never has to know.

Onto my snack quest! I’ll be right back.