The Charmer, by Kim Johnson 

I divert my eyes as she waits for me to respond. Her stare is particularly stoic. I can tell it took a lot for her to say what she did. To confront me. Eight years of keeping her feelings bottled up. Eight years of avoiding the inevitable. I mean, if we are indeed going to be together 'til death do us part' it eventually had to come to the surface. 

Hmmm…now where is our waitress? I mean, she interrupted us every 3 minutes until we finished our meal. Why is she MIA now when I need her? Fuck. 

"Hey babe, let me just get some sugar from the waitress for my tea. You know I can't drink it unsweetened." I lean slightly into her and smile wryly. Wondering if I can get her to soften up. Connect with me. Give me a look. Just a little wrinkle in her eyes, that's all I need from my sweet Charity.

I get nothing. In fact, she takes a long breath in and holds it for a few seconds. Wait, is she box breathing at me? Four seconds in, four seconds hold, four seconds out. It's a technique Navy Seals use to calm their nerves in times of high stress. Fuck. She's committed. She's not going to let this go. 

How long has it been since I’ve seen Hannah the waitress? I turn both my legs so they extend outside the booth. Now Charity is looking partly at my back. 

I'm scanning the room. Should I grab that busboy? He looks like a helpful soul. Actually, scratch that. I don't want to solve this problem quickly. I’ll wait for Hannah the waitress. 

I start humming. Why am I humming? What is this tune? My leg is bouncing. Fuck and my left palm is sweating. I’m acutely aware of my body right now. Actually, this is good. It's what Dr. Tanya would applaud. She always notes how I am too much in my head. Disconnected from my body. I'll have to tell her about this on Tuesday. Mental note. This'll make such a good session topic. 

Dang, I wish Dr. Tanya was here now to help me. I should have fucking role-played with her that time she suggested I rehearse what I'd say if Charity ever confronted me. Fuuuuck. Why did I laugh it off? I was wrong about it being in our past. Apparently, Chare-Bear was holding onto this the whole time. This can't be our ending.

There's Hannah the waitress! She looks like she just took the most relieving break because she is already lit up when she walks from the back kitchen. Hannah the waitress scans the room and we catch eyes. I smile. It's a tight smile. Ugh, I hope this registers as a smile and not a grimace. My back is sweating. I wonder if Hannah the waitress can see in my eyes I need help. Not simply "we need another side of ranch" kind of help but, "please come intervene in our conversation and help my wife forget all about our past and just forgive me without having to have a super deep conversation" kind of help. Hannah the waitress seems to be qualified to give that kind of help. She's tall. Tall people have been given a lot of responsibility in life. They have cared for their siblings, played piano at their local retirement home, helped refugees who have moved into a new city find their way around to the local grocery store and library. Tall-y's know things. They've done things. Saved lives. Let's hope Hannah the waitress comes through today.

"Hi, it looks like you ladies can use a little help. What can I get for you?"

Charity has not moved an eyelash in the last however many godforsaken minutes...seconds...whatever it's been.

I lean into Hannah the waitress' aura with all the desperation of a moth who suddenly sees an open screen door and a warm living room light. Help me. 

"Yes, do ya'll have raw sugar? I have to have raw sugar with my tea. These other sweeteners are odd to me. They give the tea a weird taste. Have you ever noticed that? It's really the raw sugar that brings out the ‘Breakfast’ in the English Breakfast. Does that make sense? So yeah, if you guys have some raw sugar in the back maybe you can grab...Oh, thank you..." 

I grab the sugar caddy Hannah the waitress retrieved from the empty booth next to us. She chose to not cut me off but instead just solve the problem while I rambled. What a pro.

"You gals need anything else?" Hannah the waitress asks with a smile.

There's nothing else. I can't even feign like there's something else. I'm stuck. Charity, however, has joined the conversation and finally decided to unmute herself. She tilts her head, smiles warmly and announces to Hannah the waitress that we're good for now.

I nod wordlessly to Hannah the waitress and give another grimace-y smile. I now have to turn and rejoin my wife who has been holding down the booth all by herself. Dang, that's kind of poetic right now. 

I turn. I'm now in the booth. Charity is still box breathing at me. I grab two packets of raw sugar. I'm still avoiding eye contact. I know this is important. I only have these last few moments to gather my thoughts. Why hadn't I thought this through before? OK, so what I'll say is...Ugh, I'm distracted again. The sugar packets read "Maui Raws." That reminds me of when Charity and I went to The Big Island. We have dreams of going to Maui. But it's been one thing after another with the house, our jobs, the dog. It's hard for me to want to be home when it's stressful. I just like being around people who are less complicated. More fun. 

That Big Island trip was great. Off roading. Dancing. Making love. We were so good together. Why did I ruin it?  I’m a ruiner. 

I flick two sugar packets. Shake ‘em. Rip 'em open and pour. Where is my spoon? Fudge! It's near Charity's left hand. I’m going in. I'm box breathing. Four in…I grab for the spoon. Four hold…Charity puts her hand on mine. Four out…

Our eyes meet. I love her beautiful browns. Her soft eye crinkles. Her short salt and pepper hair. God, she's gorgeous. I knew I'd never get over her beauty and 11 years later that's still the case. I chose well. 

It's time to talk. I channel Dr. Tanya.

"Chare-Bear I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was never your fault and I hope you can absorb that truth." I’m impressed. This is going well. I continue. "I disregarded your feelings and broke your trust. You’re an amazing, kind woman who has loved me with your whole heart since the day I wore you down and you agreed to date me." She cracks a smile. Her eyes crinkle. We both let out a breath. This is going to be OK. I can tell. My charm has always been my greatest strength. 

I relax and turn my head towards the diner counter. Now, where did that tall drink of water, Hannah the waitress, go?...