I lived my life in literature 

To envision a reality 

where a fictionalized plot 

is home. 

It brings comfort until  

you can’t make a distinction of what is real and fiction.  

Through the lens of influence 

You can lose your voice  

between allusions. 

I became a professional plagiarizer. 

A copycat 

without a point of originality. 

A talking Works Cited page 

making a desperate attempt to live within quotation marks. 

My voice is not peer reviewed; 

She is not a page you turn in a book. 

The source is within her 

And she doesn’t have to be quoted.

A big part of transformation is how we embody our influence. In this poem, books were used to circumvent my physical truth-- a broken home. I had no biological parents present. My mother died when I was seven, my dad buried himself in his work, and my siblings were never the same ever since her passing. They chose to keep to themselves. Subconsciously, I had to ask myself, who can I rely on? What brings me comfort? The “who” became “what” will guide me, because people in my family didn’t. I am grateful that I chose to engage with literature at the age of 12. It was a coping mechanism, but like most, it can become maladaptive. I became a  “professional plagiarizer”. I had a dire need to find guidance and answers. I was lost in the fictionalized world of literature. I loved that books helped me escape from reality. 

My sister Ashley’s favorite thing to tell me when I was young was to “get [my] own life, you copycat”. Most of my fashion, humor, and political views were influenced and helped me transform into the person I became today. My sister believed everything I said had to be original and worded differently; I had to be my own person. I know this came from a kind place. I saw my sister’s light in our broken home, where we dealt with emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. It was critical for me to find a positive role model because I didn’t want to be left behind.  In school we learn that plagiarizing – the act of using other people’s work without giving credit to someone else's work—is wrong. I chose to utilize the word “plagiarize” to describe my high impressionability to novels and people. I forced myself to cite people and books when I spoke.  When I made a joke, I gave credit to my sister. When people were thankful for my advice, I made sure to tell them exactly what book I learned it from. This ignited an identity crisis at the  age of 18. Was I a quotation mark in my own speech? 

Bio

The day I learned to create a healthy relationship with influence, I celebrated my freedom. July 4th, 2021—a rebirth of Mariam. It’s serendipitous that some things just work out beautifully. My time here in Santa Barbara has taught me that I can be influenced and still take ownership of my voice. I learned that influence is not a direct copy of work; its function is to uplift. It is not a  compass that dictates which way I should steer. It’s a catalyst to originality.