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("Completed." such as it is, but not published.)
The Rogue Saint
The Rogue Saint
Loossley based on Giovanni Boccaccio's The Decameron:
First day, Second tale.
A PLAY IN ONE ACT AND FOUR SCENES
© Mark Fairchild, 1979-2005, Lincoln, Nebraska, USA
Characters
FLORENTINE:
INNKEEP
MARCHESE
MARTELLINO
OFFICER 1
OTHERS
PERSON 1
PERSON 2
PERSON 3
OTHER TOWNS PEOPLE 4
STAGE HAND
STECHHI:
ACT I
Scene 1
(A medieval Bavarian inn. On stage is the inn keeper peering out of the window. Voices of Martellino Marchese and Stecchi float in.)
STECCHI:
The church! ... A church! ... Another church!
MARTELLINO:
Quite a pious town!
STECCHI:
This looks like a good inn.
MARCHESE:
Hey! We can't afford (ENTER) to stay here.
MARTELLINO:
Certainly we can; be optimistic.
MARCHESE:
But look at that; people everywhere, and they're excited. We need them bored if we are to make money.
MARTELLINO:
My, my. Such philosophy. We need an alchemist if we are to make money.
MARCHESE:
Get serious.
MARTELLINO:
How can I in such an excited atmosphere?
MARCHESE:
Touche, monsieur!
STECCHI:
Wrong country, Marc. Das ist Deutchland.
MARCHESE:
It's a manner of speaking.
STECCHI:
A French manner.
INNKEEP:
Good day, gentlemen. Rooms?
MARCHESE:
A room.
MARTELLINO:
What's all the excitement?
INNKEEP:
Heinrich died.
STECCHI:
They must have hated this Heinrich to rejoice so.
INNKEEP:
Not at all. The bells rang when he died.
MARTELLINO:
Ah, I see. . . And he was transubstantiated, so now everyone wants to eat him. . .
INNKEEP:
Close.
MARTELLINO:
Pardon?
INNKEEP:
No one was there to ring them; Heinrich is a saint. miracle, or so they say.
STECCHI:
You sound skeptical.
INNKEEP:
Heinrich was a rogue.
MARTELLINO:
And what do you have against rogues?
INNKEEP:
Oh, nothing. I indulge a bit myself, at times. I simply mean to say that Heinrich was no saint.
MARTELLINO:
Then why did the bells ring?
INNKEEP:
Bells have a tendency to do that.
MARTELLINO:
Yes, so I've heard.
INNKEEP:
Besides, Heinrich was a rouge by night, when all the pious folk were at home, asleep. It was by day he was a saint. You might say that being saintly was his livelihood.
MARTELLINO:
The rogue.
STECCHI:
Has the church declared him a saint?
INNKEEP:
No, oh, no! Probably never will.
MARTELLINO:
Then why all the hullabaloo?
INNKEEP:
Its the time of year, I suppose: the drought, bad crops, the plague floating about. That sort of thing. The people are discouraged and need to have something good happen.
MARTELLINO:
So they make it happen.
INNKEEP:
Oh, they believe it all right. They just turn religious this time of year.
MARCHESE:
But not you.
INNKEEP:
No. I take the middle of the road approach. I'm religious, but I don't have much to pray for. I just run my inn and leave well enough alone. I'll get religious later in life.
STECCHI:
So, business good?
INNKEEP:
Oh yes! The plague is good for business. People migrate to escape it.
MARTELLINO:
Could be bad for your health.
INNKEEP:
What isn't?
MARCHESE:
Hmm. Yes; what isn't indeed.
INNKEEP:
And what is your business here?
MARTELLINO:
Just three little actors gone astray.
STECCHI:
Until we came to this fine town.
INNKEEP:
How's that?
STECCHI:
We've been converted three times between here and the city gate! Pious maniacs.
MARTELLINO:
I should say so. You're a sight for sore eyes after that walk.
INNKEEP:
Actors, hmm? Have you any money?
MARTELLINO:
Oh yes. You want we should pay now? Go on Marc, pay the man.
MARCHESE:
How much?
INNKEEP:
Eight thalers a night.
MARCHESE:
Eight thalers! Now . . . I'd rather sleep in the church and get mauled.
STECCHI:
That us a bit steep. I thought business was good.
INNKEEP:
Oh, it is; we're in great demand.
MARCHESE:
Make it four.
INNKEEP:
Seven.
MARCHESE:
Five.
INNKEEP:
Six.
MARCHESE:
Five.
INNKEEP:
Six.
MARCHESE:
To the street, boys! I told you we couldn't afford it.
INNKEEP:
Alright, Five thalers. And one thalers more if you make over twelve thalers during your stay here.
MARTELLINO:
Fine.
MARCHESE:
Mart!
INNKEEP:
It's robbery.
STECCHI:
Marc.
MARCHESE:
Alright. Numbers prevail.
MARCHESE:
What about ale?
INNKEEP:
One thaler.
MARCHESE:
Half?
INNKEEP:
Sorry, no bartering for beer. But since business is good, I'll give you a round on the house.
MARTELLINO:
Sooth your conscience, Marc?
MARCHESE:
Considerably.
MARTELLINO:
We'll have to have a toast.
STECCHI:
Oh, yes. Never enter a new town without a toast!
INNKEEP:
You'll have to sign the register here.
STECCHI:
You keep a register?
INNKEEP:
Prince's orders.
MARTELLINO:
Well, I suppose my signature is worth a pint of ale. ere. But what shall we toast? The town? Convert city?
STECCHI:
No, no. Rather, our host.
MARTELLINO:
Yes, our host. Anyone who wants my autograph deserves a toast, To our host (ALL DRINK) Ah, but we can't be so forgetful; to the sainted rogue.
STECCHI:
To the rogue's saint! (ALL DRINK) Well, now that we've each proposed a toast, it's your turn.
MARCHESE:
To the three thalers I saved you.
MARCHESE:
To the three thalers ! My it be well drunk. (ALL DRINK)
Well, if we're done acting like proper folk, I suggest we get down to our stock and trade. Mischief.
STECCHI:
He must have something in mind.
MARTELLINO:
As a matter of fact. . .
MARCHESE:
He does: his ears are getting Gange Green.
MARTELLINO:
They've been evangelized too much. Which brings me to the mischief. Why don't we have a gander at this saint?
STECCHI:
You want to face that crowd?
MARTELLINO:
I said mischief. We'll get back at them and cuckold the church in payment for that fiasco in Terni by saddling it with a rogue for a saint.
MARCHESE:
Anything that can revenge for Terni suits me fine.
STECCHI:
sounds good, but what is it?
MARTELLINO:
I'll do my thing and become the most wretched cripple you ever saw. You two carry me up to this Heinrich and I'll touch him.
STECCHI:
And be miraculously cured. Of course!
MARCHESE:
That's great! And while you're doing that, we, of course, will be picking pious pockets!
STECCHI:
Oh, no. Not with all this religious fervor. If we were caught they'd string us up.
MARTELLINO:
He's right you know.
MARCHESE:
I suppose. Well, let's do it!
MARTELLINO:
Let's finish the ale first.
MARCHESE:
Ah, yes. By all means; a thaler is a thaler after all.
MARTELLINO:
And I need time to think.
(PAUSE)
INNKEEP:
Do you folks travel much?
STECCHI:
All the time. The world is our home.
INNKEEP:
How do you decide where to go next? Why go north when you could go south?
STECCHI:
Various things decide that: the climate, the season, wars, money, festivals, plague . . .
MARCHESE:
And happenstance. That's why we're going this way.
INNKEEP:
Yes?
STECCHI:
We were in Switzerland . . .
MARCHESE:
And the bastard broke it!
INNKEEP:
Switzerland?
MARCHESE:
No; my mandolin.
STECCHI:
Now, Marc. Don't work yourself into a lather again.
MARCHESE:
But it was my favorite! . . . For various reasons.
STECCHI:
Yes, we know that; but the Sometimes Rogue here doesn't.
We were in Switzerland last week, at St. Gallen. We sang a song, a simple song by William of Aquitaine about a lady who scorned her lover for another. Well, some young lady was so enraptured by it that she scorned her lover for another.
MARCHESE:
Her first lover didn't like that very much.
INNKEEP:
Naturally.
STECCHI:
So he took it out on us.
MARCHESE:
Us! And he busted my mandolin!
STECCHI:
And almost busted my head
MARCHESE:
(muttering)
We could find another singer, but another mandolin?
STECCHI:
At any rate, we are now gong to Landsburg. There is a good luthier there who makes excellent mandolins.
MARCHESE:
But nothing can replace that one.
STECCHI:
We'll do the best we can, Marc. So here we are.
INNKEEP:
It sounds like an interesting life.
STECCHI:
It has its ups and downs. . . Overs and under Inns and outs.
INNKEEP:
Ha, ha, yes. So I can see.
STECCHI:
Pardon me, I see my friend is ready to go.
INNKEEP:
So it would seem.
(Martellino is half way to the door,oblivious to life and creation)
MARTELLINO:
(SOUNDING SOMEWHAT INSANE) Now for a good one, heh, heh, heh . . .
STECCHI:
He's safe if you keep your distance. Well, we must be off.
(THEY EXIT TO THE STREET)
SCENE 2
(CHURCH INTERIOR. THE SAINT'S BODY IS ON A BIER AND A CROWD FILLS THE CHURCH, SOME ON CRUTCHES, OTHERS WITH CANES. ENTER MARTELLINO, SUPPORTED BY MARCHESE AND STECCHI, GROANING LOUDLY, TWITCHING AND GENERALLY GIVING A GOOD SHOW. MARTELLINO PORTRAYS A MAN SEVERELY CRIPPLED, BLIND, DEAF, AND ADDLED. PRETENDING THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE IS, HE TRIES TO BEG ALMS BETWEEN GROANS.)
MARTELLINO:Thalers ? Alms? Oh, help a poor wretch.
MARCHESE:
Lazarus, quiet. We are in a church.
STECCHI:
You are going to be cured, Lazarus. You must touch the saint.
Person 1:
O, poor man. Make way! Make way!
General:
Make way! Make way! Make a path! Let him through! (AN ODDBALL: Watch who you're pushing!)
MARTELLINO:
No alms?
STECCHI: (LOUDLY)
You - must - touch - the – saint!
MARTELLINO:
Saint? What saint?
MARCHESE: (LOUDLY)
We - will - lead - you - to – him!
(THEY LEAD HIM TO THE SAINT AND PLACE HIS HAND ON THE BODY)
MARTELLINO:
Hello? Mister saint?
MARCHESE:
The saint is dead, Lazarus.
MARTELLINO: (incredulous, recoiling)
Dead?
STECCHI:
Do not worry. You must touch him to be cured.
MARTELLINO:
Huh?
STECCHI:
It is alright. It is safe. Now touch him!
(THEY DRAPE MARTELLINO OVER THE SAINT IMMEDIATELY ENTER A STAGE HAND IN BLACK WITH "THE SPIRIT OF THEATRE" EMBLAZONED ON HIS CHEST AND BACK. HE HOLDS UP HIS HANDS, SIGNALING "STOP" AND EVERYONE FREEZES.)
STAGEHAND:
Forsooth, blessed children. (RAISES HIS HANDS IN A CONDUCTOR LIKE MANNER AND EVERYONE COVERS THEIR EYES.) Thou shalt see no evil. (SIGNALS MARTELLINO, WHO LOOKS AT HIM) Although Martellio, I must warn you, they can touch, taste, hear and smell it.
(MARTELLINO WINKS AND BEGINS TO FRISK THE SAINTED BODY, CHECKING POCKETS, SHIRT, ETC. HE FINDS A GOLD MEDALLION AROUND THE NECK AND REMOVES IT, SAYING TO THE AUDIENCE) Well, I'm not a saint! (AT THAT POINT A FLORENTINE AMONG THE PEOPLE UNCOVERS HIS EYES, BUT REMAINS FROZEN. MARTELLINO PUTS THE MEDALLION AROUND HIS OWN NECK AND RESUMES HIS POSE. THE STAGE HAND CLAPS TWICE AND THE PEOPLE UNCOVER THEIR EYES. HE EXITS, CLAPPING ONCE MORE AND THE ACTION RESUMES.)
PERSON 2:
A miracle!
OTHERS:
A miracle! He's cured! The cripple is healed!
FLORENTINE:
Ha, ha, ha!
PERSON 3:
What are you laughing at? It's a Holy Miracle!
FLORENTINE:
No it's not! I've seen him before. He's from Florence. He is an actor. He's always been as normal as you or I!
PERSON 3:
A fraud! A fraud!
PERSON 1:
Take him! Get him into the street
PERSON 2:
Kill him! Kill him!
PERSON 1:
Did you know about this?
STECCHI:
No, no! We found him like that in the street!
MARCHESE:
Yes!
STECCHI:
Get him!
MARCHESE:
Kill him!
(GENERAL UPROAR. MARTELLINO IS DRAGGED TOT HE STREET WHERE HE IS ENGULFED BY THE MOB. MARCHESE AND STECCHI BACK OUT OF THE CROWD AND REENTER THE CHURCH, NOW DESERTED.)
MARCHESE:
What will we do? We can't leave him there.
STECCHI:
I don't know. I just don;t know. (PAUSE) Wait a minute. We passed the provost's office around the corner earlier. Remember? We'll tell him that he swiped our purses. They'll have to arrest him.
MARCHESE:
Yes. Yes! Let's do it!
(EXIT OUT OF THE CHURCH AND AROUND A CORNER BEHIND IT.)
(A BIT OF BLACK HUMOR NOW AS THE MOB TRIES TO TEAR APART MARTELLINO AND MARTELLINO TRIES NOT OT BE TORN APART, UNTIL MARCHESE AND STECCHI RETURN WITH SOME OFFICERS.)
MARCHESE:
There he is, he's the one.
OFICER 1:
Seize him.
(TWO OFFICERS SEIZE HIM WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY. THEY DRAG HIM OUT, TORN AND FRAYED, AND DISPLAY HIM BEFORE MARTELLINO AND STECCHI.)
STECCHI:
He's the one. He stole my purse!
STECCHI:
Yes. Mine too.
PERSON 2:
Mine too!
PERSON 4:
And mine!
PERSON 1:
And mine!
PERSON 3:
And mine too!
PERSON 2:
Get him!
OFFICER 1:
Hold on now; we will take him to the judge. The judge will decide his fate.
PERSON 1:
A judge is too good for him!
(OFFICER 1 LOOKS STERNLY AT PERSON 1, WHO CRINGES AND SKULKS AWAY.)
MARCHESE:
Good enough.
STECCHI:
Fine; let's go.
(CROWD SPLITS UP. SOME GO TO THE CHURCH AND THE ACCUSERS GO WITH THE OFFICERS.)
(LIGHTS DOWN)
SCENE 3
(A COURT ROOM. MARCHESE AND STECCHI ARE SEATED STAGE RIGHT ON A BENCH, IN THE PUBLIC PORTION OF THE ROOM, BEHIND A RAILING. A DOCKET IS JUST UPSTAGE AND NEXT TO THEM. THE JUDGE'S BENCH IS STAGE LEFT. CENTER STAGE IS OPEN.)
MARCHESE:
Luck is our only asset now. And believe me, Stecchi, we're in the red at the moment.
STECCHI:
It would appear to be a classic case of "out of the frying pan, into the fire." Perhaps the Inn Keeper could be of help.
MARCHESE:
Hey, once I've bartered with a man I know something of how his mind works. He is, as he said, fond of the "middle of the road." Don't expect him to bare his neck before his neighbors or this judge for the likes of us.
STECCHI:
Maybe, but what else can we do? Do you have enough money in that purse to bribe this fellow?
MARCHESE:
Of course not.
STECCHI:
I thought not. Besides, he obviously hates Florentine. Face it; we need help.
MARCHESE:
Well, he did say . . . what was it . . . "I indulge a bit myself."
STECCHI:
As he proffered a free round of ale.
MARCHESE:
And we toasted him in his house. Perhaps. Perhaps. But don't expect much.
(LIGHT DOWN AS MARCHESE AND STECCHI EXIT)
Scene 4
(SAME SETTING AND SET ARRANGEMENT AS IN SCENE 3. MARTELLINO IS IN THE DOCK, AND MARCHESE AND STECCHI LEAN ON THE RAILING SPEAKING WITH HIM.)
STECCHI:
Anyway, he seemed to think the whole thing was hilarious.
MARCHESE:
He almost turned blue. I tell you, don't ask me to barter with him again; we have no platform from which to bicker. All he has to do is raise an eyebrow and its over!
MARTELLINO:
Is that all you can worry about? Our bartering stance!
MARCHESE:
Of course not. It's just . . .
STECCHI:
Shh!
MARCHESE:
But . . .
STECCHI:
Shh! Now listen. He found it so hilarious that he decided to help us.
MARCHESE:
Yes. He has this friend, who has a friend.
MARTELLINO:
(Disappointed) Oh!
STECCHI:
So we told this fellow, this, ah . . .
MARCHESE:
Signori Sandro Aglolanti.
STECCHI:
That's it, this Signori Agolanti abo ut it. He is a Florentine too, with business interests here in Trevigi. It seems the prince here likes this Signori Agolanti, and the Prince is as kindly disposed to Florence and this judge is ill-disposed towards it.
MARCHESE:
He laughed too.
STECCHI:
In fact, he found it every bit as entertaining as did the in keep, so he arranged to present the case to the prince.
MARTELLINO:
"Entertaining?"
MARCHESE:
Yes, "entertaining." I tell you, our money is worthless in this town. Inflation has struck.
STECCHI:
So don't question the ways of deliverance.
(ENTER A ROBED LAWYER AND MILITARY FIGURE)
We should know shortly if the prince, too, was "entertained."
MARCHESE:
Then again, perhaps we should consider seeking royal patronage. They must get quite bored those huge palaces, and might welcome a troop of minstrel actors with open arms.
MARTELLINO:
And don't test the ways of deliverance. . . not yet anyway.
The End
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