Learning to Disagree Well

There are some news stories that leave you struggling to find the words.

Today, I read the story of a 12-year-old girl who was killed after two men got into an argument and opened fire. She was not the intended target. She was simply caught in the crossfire.

A child.

Twelve years old.

A girl who was created in the image of God.

A daughter. A friend. A person with a whole life ahead of her.

And now a family is facing a grief that no family should ever have to experience.

It is horrific. And if, like me, you feel angry about it, I think that is appropriate. There is something deeply wrong with a world in which a petty disagreement can escalate into something so devastating.

But as I have thought and prayed about this today, I keep coming back to one simple thought:

We need to learn to disagree well.

Not because truth doesn't matter. It does.

Not because every opinion is equally valid. It isn't.

Not because Christians should avoid difficult conversations. We shouldn't.

But because the person we disagree with is still a person made in the image of God.

1. We grieve because every human life bears God's image

The Bible begins with the astonishing truth that human beings are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

That means human life has a dignity that doesn't depend on our achievements, our opinions, our intelligence, our popularity or whether somebody agrees with us.

Every human being has value because God made them.

So when a 12-year-old girl loses her life in such circumstances, we don't simply shake our heads and move on to the next news story.

We grieve.

We lament.

We recognise that something has gone terribly wrong in God's good creation.

And we pray for her family.

We pray for everyone affected.

We pray for justice.

And we ask God to help us become people who bring life rather than destruction into the lives of others.

2. Anger at evil isn't wrong — but our anger must be shaped by Christ

I don't think we should be embarrassed by righteous anger.

Jesus was not indifferent to evil, injustice or suffering. He wept at the grave of Lazarus. He confronted hypocrisy. He overturned tables in the temple. He cared deeply about what was wrong in the world.

But Scripture also gives us a warning:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
— James 1:19–20

That's an important distinction.

We can be angry about evil without allowing anger to become our master.

We can hate what is wrong without becoming people who do wrong.

We can stand firmly for truth without treating people as though they have lost their humanity.

Christian anger must ultimately be shaped by Christ.

And that matters enormously in the world our young people are growing up in.

3. We need to learn to disagree without dehumanising

We live in an increasingly polarised world.

Sometimes it feels as though disagreement itself has become the problem.

If someone doesn't agree with us, we dismiss them.
If they hold a different view, we mock them.
If they say something we don't like, we attack them.
If their voice is inconvenient, we try to silence it.

And increasingly, people seem to forget that there is a human being on the other side of the disagreement.

But followers of Jesus are called to something different.

We can say:

“I profoundly disagree with you”

without saying:

“You are worthless.”

We can challenge someone's ideas without attacking their identity.

We can have strong convictions without becoming cruel.

We can listen carefully without surrendering truth.

We can speak boldly without humiliating people.

And we can walk away from an argument without needing to “win”.

Our young people desperately need to see this modelled.

Because they are watching us.

They're watching how we speak about people we disagree with.

They're watching how we talk about politics, culture, religion, sport, education and even other Christians.

They're watching what happens around the dinner table, in WhatsApp groups, online and in everyday conversations.

Our young people don't just need to know what Christians believe. They need to see what Christian disagreement looks like.

4. Jesus shows us what disagreement looks like when love remains

And this is where we ultimately need to look: to Jesus.

Jesus was not afraid of disagreement.

He spoke hard truths.

He challenged people.

He confronted hypocrisy.

He called people to repentance.

He didn't water down truth in order to keep everyone happy.

But neither did He dehumanise the people He disagreed with.

And when Jesus Himself was mocked, rejected, falsely accused and ultimately nailed to a cross, He did not respond with violence.

Peter says of Jesus:

“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”
— 1 Peter 2:23

That is strength.

The strongest person in history did not need to have the last word.

He didn't need to destroy His enemies.

He entrusted Himself to the Father.

And ultimately, Jesus went to the cross for people like us — people who have got things wrong, people who have sinned, people who have rebelled against God.

The cross reminds us that Christ can hold together something our world often pulls apart:

truth and grace.
conviction and compassion.
justice and mercy.
strength and gentleness.

That is the kind of people Jesus is making us into.

So what do we teach our children?

Perhaps this is a really important conversation to have at home.

You don't need to have all the answers to this tragedy. You don't need to give your young person a perfect explanation for why such things happen.

You can simply sit with them in the sadness.

Ask them what they've heard.

Ask what they think.

Ask how it makes them feel.

And then help them think biblically.

• What does this story tell us about the value of human life?

• Why do you think disagreement can sometimes become so angry?

• What's the difference between disagreeing with someone and treating them like an enemy?

• How did Jesus respond when people disagreed with Him?

• What would it look like for us to disagree well at school, online, at home or with our friends?

And perhaps most importantly:

• How can we honour Jesus when we disagree with someone?

Because our children are going to disagree with people.

They will hold different convictions.

They will encounter people who disagree with them.

Sometimes they will be right. Sometimes they will be wrong. Sometimes both sides will have something to learn.

And our task as parents isn't to teach them that disagreement is dangerous.

It's to teach them how to disagree without destroying one another.

We can teach them to listen.

To ask questions.

To speak truth.

To be humble.

To apologise.

To forgive.

To walk away when necessary.

And to remember that the person standing opposite them is not an enemy to be destroyed, but a human being made in the image of God.

So today, I am grieving for a 12-year-old girl and praying for the family who loved her.

And I am asking God to search my own heart too.

Because this isn't simply about those people over there.

It's about us.

What kind of people are we becoming?

May we be people who disagree without despising.

Who speak truth without cruelty.

Who stand firm without becoming hard-hearted.

Who are angry about evil without becoming people who perpetuate it.

And may our young people grow up seeing something different in us:

a people whose convictions are strong, whose words are gracious, whose love is genuine, and whose lives look increasingly like Jesus.

Lord Jesus, make us like You.

For reference, if you haven't read it, the above reflection is prompted from the below BBC article:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cwr5y48p89vvo