Netflix's Adolescence

An invitation to proactive, hope-filled parenting, plus practical steps and conversation starters

Netflix’s recent four-part series, Adolescence, is a heartfelt and harrowing exploration of the experience of teenage boys in the digital age, the world of social media, extreme content, and the, often, overwhelming reality of parenting in this scary and rapidly changing world. The series has received stellar reviews across the board and prompted widespread conversation about adolescence, parenting, role models and healthy understanding of our gendered selves.

Reflections on Adolescence

Here’s our challenge with Jamie. Despite being in a home with loving parents, receiving an education, and being a “smart” kid, Jamie is struggling. Like so many boys – literally, boys – he has been methodically transformed through a toxic ecosystem that most adults fail to comprehend.

At just 13, when he should be discovering his world through play and friendship – and note, he has some great mates – Jamie is instead trying to live up to (and is being measured against) a poisonous standard of masculinity propagated through social media.

The mockery he endured for being an incel – “involuntarily celibate” – reveals how our boys are being thrust into adult sexual frameworks before they’ve even navigated puberty. Jamie’s 'cardinal sin' is that he is a virgin at 13…

He’s violating the “Boy Code”. His masculinity feels precarious – but he’s barely old enough to have a broken voice. And the “Man Box” beliefs voiced by peers in the playground – kids who don’t know him and don’t care about him – unleash a cascade of shame, self-loathing, and ultimately, violence.

Jamie wasn’t born with violence in his veins. But Jamie, and countless young people like him, are being victimised by an online ecosystem that feeds on their vulnerability with predatory efficiency.

In the third episode, set seven months after the murder as Jamie awaits trial in a youth detention facility, we witness Jamie’s emotional landscape for what it truly is: a wasteland.

In conversation with a psychologist (who is assessing him by seeing his reaction to a half-sandwich with food he doesn’t like, and asking him questions about being a man), Jamie desperately insists he isn’t gay, fabricates stories of sexual encounters, and carries the shame of his disinterest in football like an open wound – another failure in his father’s eyes.

When he mutters that he’s “ugly,” we’re witnessing a child whose self-worth has been completely eroded.

When he pleads to know whether the psychologist “likes” him, we witness his desperate need to be seen, to be reassured – to feel like he is worthy; enough.

What becomes devastatingly clear is how Jamie’s conception of manhood has been twisted violently out of shape.

But it didn’t happen in the shadowy corners of the internet. It happened in plain sight on his Instagram feed. Parents and police (all adults) had no clue that Katie had rejected him. The teens have their own language. But when Katie publicly humiliated him, his fragile identity collapsed entirely, and his anxiety erupted into murderous rage.

As the final credits roll, we’re left without comfort. There’s no reassuring conclusion, no promise that Jamie will extract himself from the toxic ideological quicksand that has consumed him. The victims family are wrongly condemned to a lifetime of suffering. And Jamie’s family will bear the scars of his choices permanently too. The show refuses to offer false hope. It leaves us in discomfort, precisely where we need to be.

If you’re a parent or someone involved in the lives of young people, it’s thought provoking and at times deeply troubling watching. Below are some of my quickfire thoughts in light of the questions it raises.

For a start...

• EMBRACE GRACE: Throw out the idea that you’re going to parent your children perfectly - that’s an anti-gospel story! God rather loves to work in and through our failures and learnings, to weave beautiful redemption stories that hold power. So don’t live under a burdensome pressure to parent your child perfectly in the areas of technology, masculinity/femininity, relationships, sex etc. And don’t beat yourself up if you feel like you’ve missed the boat. Modelling grace, growth, and courage is an equal gift to your children.

• SAY NO TO FEAR: Technology and the changes it brings to society isn’t new. Let’s have a healthy appreciation of the unique scale and speed of the digital revolution, whilst not succumbing to fear and catastrophisation. God’s story gives us a clear grid for the beauty, fragility and darkness that are all held within the human heart; and yet He has “not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Tim 1:7). This is a promise available to us - pray it confidently in the name of Jesus over yourself and your children. He will provide and lead you.

• COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS: Let’s TALK! About our bodies, about romantic relationships, about healthy friendships, about what it means to be a man or a woman, about the online world. Children and teens consume vast quantities of information subconsciously in all these areas, so let’s make sure we’re also offering a voice. You’re likely juggling meal planning, school lifts, work responsibilities, dog walking and tax returns to name a few, so it can feel daunting to even know where to start - but below are some pointers that are hopefully helpful. And you don’t have to wait until your child is 16… equally, if your child is 16 and you haven’t talked about these things, it is never too late to start!

• BRING IN OTHER VOICES:  If your children are averse to having these kinds of deeper conversations with you, try utilising other adults in their life and having a discussion when you’re hanging out with another family/other adults. I remember as a teenager myself, I was always so much more open to having deep discussions if there were other adults who weren’t my parents in the room! (Go figure on the psychology behind that one!) Feel free to utilise me… I’m ALWAYS happy to be invited over to family dinner and to take initiative on starting a conversation.

What You Can Do: Practical Steps for Parents

• Monitor your kids’ online activities – Know what they’re watching and who they’re engaging with.

• Talk to them regularly (and listen twice as much) – Open communication is key.

• Minimise screen time and foster face-to-face relationships – Encourage real-world socialisation.

• Spend more time together as a family – Connection builds resilience.

• Make sure they get enough sleep – Poor sleep impacts emotional regulation.

• Know where your kids are – Awareness prevents risky situations.

• Ensure they have access to great adults who care about them – Role models matter.

• Tell them the three most important words they can hear – Not I love you, but no matter what. They need to know they’re worthy of your love—always.

Want to go deeper? 

Here are some of my top suggestions:

8 Things Every Teenage Son Needs Their Dad to Say [blog post]

Parenting For Faith podcast

Top notch resources and discussions on a variety of topics. Some top picks on relevant topics below:

• Porn

• Puberty and Sex

• Friendship

• The Importance of Dads

Faith in Kids

Mix of podcasts for parents and for joint family listening.

Top picks for parents:

• Hope Filled Parenting Conversations

• The Adventure of Fatherhood

• The Adventure of Motherhood

• The Gift of Grandparenthood

• Screen Time

• Focus on Friendship in a world obsessed with sex

The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch [BOOK]

Conversation Starters For Families

These questions are meant to spark open, honest conversations in your family. There are no right or wrong answers—just a chance to listen, reflect, and understand each other better. 

The key is open ongoing dialogue.

1. Growing Up & Identity

• What’s something you wish we, as a family, understood better about what it’s like to be your age right now?

• Is there a time when you’ve felt pressure to be someone you’re not? How did that feel?

• What do you think makes you you? How can we, as a family, help you feel confident in that?

2. Friendships & Peer Pressure

• Who are the people in your life that really “get” you? What do you appreciate most about them?

• What do you think about being friends with boys? What do you think about being friends with girls? What do you think makes a good friendship?

• Have you ever felt like you had to go along with something just to fit in? What would you want us to do if you were in that situation?

• How can we, as a family, support you in choosing good friendships and handling tough social situations?

3. Being a Man and Being a Woman

• What do you think it means to be a man/woman? Where do those ideas come from?

• Have you ever felt pressure to act a certain way because of your gender? How did that feel?

• Who are some men/women you admire? What qualities do they have that you respect?

4. Mental & Emotional Well-being

• What’s something that’s been weighing on your mind lately? How can we help?

• When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, what actually helps you feel better?

• How do you feel about the way we, as a family, talk about emotions? Is there anything we could do better?

5. Family & Communication

• What’s one thing we do as a family that makes you feel really loved and supported?

• Is there anything we do (or don’t do) that makes it harder to talk about things openly?

• If you could change one thing about the way we handle disagreements, what would it be?

6. Social Media & Technology

• How do you feel after spending time on social media? Does it ever make you feel better or worse about yourself?

• What do you wish we, as parents, understood about your online world?

• How can we work together to create healthy habits around screens and social media—without it feeling like a battle?

7. Dreams, Decisions & the Future

• What’s something you’re really excited about in your future? How can we support you in that?

• Is there anything about growing up that feels scary or overwhelming?

• What’s one thing we can do as a family to make sure you feel supported, no matter what challenges come up?

We have compiled a comprehensive Online Safety Resource List with key safeguarding info, links, website, apps, documents, podcasts and much more for you to explore this huge topic of online safety.