To everyone I’ve loved:

To everyone I’ve loved: 

family , friends, & more

Love is betrayal, love is nothing more than a jumble of uncoordinated chemicals in our brain and neurons firing to get us addicted to a person. It is treason by the mind to ourselves. We suddenly can’t stop thinking of them, we can’t help but imagine scenarios and our world if they were simply in it. And blocking out these thoughts is utterly impossible. Trying to stop the surge of emotions, the longing of the heart, is a feat won by no man or woman.

What’s worse is that we are not in love with the person, we are in love with who we imagine them to be, we are infatuated with a lie.

Even knowing this, sitting here with this revelation, I know I have fallen for this and will fall again. I am at the mercy of my thoughts, uncontrollable, unintelligible, heart-wrenching thoughts. With every reminder of them my foolish heart falls deeper into despair. I’ve tried quitting, I’ve tried to stomp on this foolish, useless dreams of love, but my heart won’t buy it. I’ve told myself that I wish we were still strangers, but yet I would never trade all our moments for anything in the world. I am glad I met everyone in my life. I am glad my heart has had this opportunity to be torn down, because this means I was happy. I gave my everything and my everything was broken, broken by my own mind. And yet I would not change anything. Happiness will forever be paired with despair. Love will forever be paired with loneliness. I will forever crave those butterflies. Their wings flapping in my stomach my heart speeding up its pounding at the prospect of love. If only these butterflies knew how in the future I would want to cut off their wings, if only they knew the amount of times I have craved ripping my heart from my body. Love is being presented with heaven but being given the wrong key. So frustrating, so much desperation in trying to make the key work. You end up sitting hopeless next to the seemingly forever-locked gates to paradise. You begin to question if they even felt the same way back. Have I just been a fool breeding useless butterflies? Have I been alone in my feelings? Is it one more act of treason to add to the list?