Beefy Cheese

Breaking News! Scientists have discovered that one of our favorite American foods may not be what it seems. It turns out it's a secret ingredient in our beloved food that is causing problems for us all. What’s more, the scientists are investigating whether this secret ingredient can also be used to create a substance called “dense” and even “pulpy” — things we would never think of using on ourselves or our family. If we're not careful we might become just like the other members of society and turn into a huge pile of meat and fat. We'll end up as a giant piece of beefy cheese. But there will come a time when you eat too much of these wonderful delicious creations and you find yourself with a massive appetite and an insatiable need for more. You see, if you continue eating this type of thing every day for too long, you eventually gain weight which can lead to your being overweight and fat itself. This means that if you eat one more hamburger, then you’ll be overweight, fat, and a giant piece of beefy cheese. If you eat too many cheeseburgers, then you’ll be obese (you’re probably already obese from eating too many burgers), fat, fat, and a giant piece of beefy cheese. The most popular cheeseburgers, those that are known to be the best quality in the world, are actually made of drugged meat products. They contain substances that make you fat and turn you into a huge chunk of flesh, just like your old friend. So don’t eat one more hamburger, because then you won’t just gain weight but you’ll be full of beefy cheese. And if you consume more than your fair share of these tasty meals, then you might soon start getting fat as well. This means that if you continue consuming too many cheeseburgers, you might very well become an overweight, fat, big, big cheese. If you’re overweight, fat, and a giant piece of cheese, the only way for you to stop growing is to get rid of the fat you've accumulated over the years, which means you’ll lose a lot of weight and get fat. If you eat more than enough cheeseburgers, you’ll also get fat and become a fat, fat, fat blob, just like your friend here — and maybe you’ll get fat too. You’ll get so fat, fat, fat that you'll fall through your ceiling, fall through your floor, fall through your windows, fall through your walls — and into your backyard. You'll become a big juicy burger. And if you consume more than your fair share of these tasty meals, you might very likely become obese, fat, fat, fat — just like your old friend here. So don't eat one more hamburger, or else we’ll never know whether you were fat, fat, fat, or fat…but fat and meaty. We hope you enjoyed reading this little story of ours.  

You're right though, if you keep eating hamburgers, the only way to get rid of them is to get rid of some cheese. So if you eat too many cheeseburgers, you’ll start having a cheese obsession. Like the other cheese crazies who have fat on their minds and fat in their hearts, you may soon end up being one of us. Just look at these fatso cheeseburgers. The meaty flavor is gone along with the calories. You might want to try a burger before you get too fat. That’s why the recipe includes such heavy, dense cheese, just to help you get rid of your meat. 

So why are these cheeseburgers called Beefy Cheese? Because they are created in a factory with high standards of production. So while most restaurants are willing to serve the meaty taste of these burgers to customers on the menu, some don't even bother trying to get rid of the cholesterol in them to satisfy the tastes of the few families that choose to eat these burgers. Why not go vegan and leave the cholesterol alone? The answer is, because you’ve got to be a total cowbell to do so. You' ll have to eat three cheeseburgers each day for a year to achieve that level of fat — which is about six times as much fat as your average burger. If you keep eating burgers, you may well lose all your fat and become a fat, fat, fat blob — just like your old friend here. If you're overweight, fat, and a giant piece of cheese, we hope you ended up being a fat, fat, fat blob…which can turn you into a giant, fat, fat blob and finally drop you off onto your own lawn to rot, to turn into a huge piece of cheeseless meaty cheese. If you keep eating burgers, you may very well eat up half your yard first. Or you might wind up in your own bed with a giant piece of cheeseless meaty cheese on top of you and no legs. No legs at all. A piece of beefy cheese, big enough to swallow you whole. And just like your old friend here…you won' t ever move again….And if you eat too many cheeseburgers, you'll be fat…and a fat, fat, fat blob. We hope you enjoyed reading this little story of ours. It's a love letter to hamburgers, plain and simple. So let' s talk about the beefiness. Do any of you like beefy cheeses? Or is everything you eat here made from hamburgers? How many people could possibly consume four burgers per day without gaining a single ounce of weight and becoming fat. How big should a steak be exactly? Big. Really big. In fact, if the burger contains meat, it should be so thick you can't fit a single bite of it between your teeth...

No one likes a fat burger, right? Well, I'm happy to announce that today you'll get your first taste of what it really is to be fat and a giant piece of beefy cheese. Here's how you'll make your first cheeseburger. First, put the fat in a skillet. Don't worry — it won't melt. Then add about 2 pounds of ground beef. Then add about 2 pounds of water. Now pour it all over the bottom of the skillet. Mix it all together. Let it simmer for 20 minutes. Once the grease begins to bubble and steam, turn the heat down, cover the skillet with aluminum foil, and cook the burgers on low for 5 hours. Then turn off the stove and let them sit in the refrigerator. Check the grease once in a while and make sure it isn't going bad. Finally take them out of the fridge. They should be perfectly firm. The next day they are supposed to be soft. You want your burger to melt. Your mouth is going to get fat. There are no words in your dictionary to describe the experience except a word - fat.  But don't panic, the real secret is in the sauce. You have two options: one, make a nice, healthy dish of beef gravy, but don't add the hot beef in the hot gravy. Two, add the hot, fat, fat cheese in the hot gravy. Easy to do right? Too easy.

This means that as soon as you start eating these tasty burgers, you'll find yourself growing fat. If you’re overweight, fat, and a giant piece of cheese, you’ll grow to be twice your normal size. This happens by simply adding a couple extra pounds of meat onto those burgers. When you eat too much of this fat, you'll feel like an elephant. So the only way to get rid of the fat is to add more, so that you end up becoming a fat, fat, fat blob. This means that if you eat too much of this fat, you'll lose a lot of weight, but also end up being fat and a fat blob. And if you eat too much of these cheeseburgers, you' ll end up being fat and a fat, fat, fat blob. And if you eat too much of these cheeseburgers, you' ll be fat…and a fat, fat, fat blob. This is true for everyone who eats too much of the fat. Even when there are five thousand burgers sitting on your plate, they won't give you any more.

But you're wrong. It's not enough to be a fat, fat, fat blob. You must also be obese. If you're fat, fat, obese, overweight, and a giant piece of cheeseless Beefy Cheese, then you need to consume another ten pounds of beefy cheese, and then maybe even more if you decide that you really like it! But first, let's make one last thing clear to you. You may not like beefy cheese and may think you are fat but it doesn't change anything. You can still eat beefy cheese. It just takes more time and effort. If you keep eating burgers every day, you will surely become fat, fat, fat…and a fat, fat, fat blob. And if you continue eating these cheeseburgers, you' ll end up becoming a fat, fat, fat blob, big enough for a giant piece of cheese to fall through your roof.

Bacon Cheese Burgers

If you don't like cheeseburgers, then don't order these cheeseburgers, because cheeseburgers are not supposed to be cooked. Bacon is the best part about beefy burgers, the best part about cheeseburgers. Not a lot of people have heard of this bacon cheese burger, but that makes it more interesting because the real reason bacon cheese burgers exist in the first place is because they're fat and unhealthy. To keep the fat in your body, you've got to eat bacon instead. Bacon is fatty. Fatty cheese is fatty cheese. So if you order this cheeseburger, you're buying fat, fat, fat…and a bunch of bacon cheese burgers. And as long as you’re fat, you’ll always be fat.

Ingredients For Something

One pound of bacon; one and a quarter cup each of salt and pepper; one and a quarter cups mayonnaise; one and a quarter teaspoons of onion powder; one and a quarter tablespoons of mustard; 1 (4 ounce) package of Swiss Miss cheese; one egg (2 yolks), beaten

Method:

Place the bacon in a skillet over medium heat and saute until brown.

Add the onion powder and mix together. Pour the mayonnaise mixture over the top of the cooked bacon.

Now add the cheese. Mix together. Turn off the heat and let stand for 10 minutes. Cut the mixture into small pieces and fry in a hot pan. Serve immediately.

The Real Reason

You see this cheesecake picture on page 38. This picture tells us the real reason that fat people live in poverty. As you know, most of us live in poverty in our lives. For most of us living in the cities of America, we spend a large part of our days eating greasy food. Most of us would rather watch television than work our way through the streets. We prefer to eat greasy foods rather than clean foods. Greasy foods contain fat, and if you eat too much greasy foods you could become a fat, fat, fat blob, just like your old friend here. If you eat burgers instead of cheeseburgers, you will end up as a fat, fat, fat blob. This was the way our society was built. Every human is born fat. Everyone has a stomach, skin, eyes, nose, ears and other organs. If you have none, you're not a person at all. This is why so many fat people suffer. Fat people are so lazy and inefficient in life that they never bother to lift themselves out of their fat cushions, so fat and tired they don't even want to work. Fat people live in poverty.

The Fake News

It seems like the fake news has been spreading lately. The same stories about the oil companies saying "this gas is safe to drink" or some such nonsense. Well, now that we know the facts of life, we're going to set straight those lies. The world will know the truth eventually, but first we need to know whether there is any truth at all. We need to know if there is even any gas that has been scientifically proven to be safe to drink. And what's worse, we need to know if there is a reliable science behind these lies. That is my point to the reader. If you know what I mean. But if not then I guess this book will just have to go out the window.

Here are some things I believe.

1. There is no oil. There is only fat and cholesterol.

2. The government keeps us poor. We are told to buy and sell products for free. Free products cost less than oil.

3. There are gas stations everywhere, and they are open 24/7. They are selling gasoline for free. No, it is cheaper to buy gas at the gas station rather than buy fuel from the company.

4. Oil is cheap. Why are gas stations so cheap? Because you can drive around all you want without having to pay $150 a gallon for gas.

5. Gas stations make the best burgers I ever ate. They're delicious. What's more, they always look and taste good. You can buy a bottle of ketchup, a carton of fries, a bag of pretzels, a box of crackers and a hamburger without having to fork out a single penny.

6. A fat, fat, fat, fat burger is just plain disgusting! If you eat too many, you'll be a fat, fat, fat blob.

7. All those who eat fat and high cholesterol eat fat and low cholesterol. This is the truth. People who don't eat enough fat and cholesterol will end up being fat and a fat blob. But the problem with this is that it all depends on where you are, and how much fat you put in your diet. Wherever you sit, you will end up with fat, so stop wasting money on high priced burgers. Instead save your money for higher quality ones.

8. The best place in the whole wide world for people like you is at a McDonalds. Don't ever order a burger at home. Or anywhere else. You'll be fat and gross forever. Eat a burger at the restaurant. Enjoy.

9. If you ever hear anyone talk about eating fat and cholesterol again, you'd better ask them to please shut up. Yes, I said 'ask.' Do you want to find out if someone is fat? Go ahead. Ask.

10. If the government doesn't tell us what's right for us, then we should do something ourselves. That's it. Simple as that.

There's One Thing About Burger Kings

There's one thing about Burger Kings that everyone should know. Burger Kings are actually made by a family called the Burgerman's Group. According to their commercials they say, "A burger with a side of cheese is the perfect lunch. Just wait till ya try one." Well, just look inside of the Burger King window to find out for yourself. They claim the burger has the tastiest cheese you've ever tasted. And just look at how big it is! This burger has probably seen more action in its lifetime then most people have. But beware! Eating this burger will cause you to become a fat, fat, fat blob! You can eat the burger, but you won't be able to walk afterwards. The grease will get all over everything. This is a warning from Burger King. If you dare to take one bite out of the burger, then you might as well stay home, and never come back.

The Good News

Do not eat a Big Mac. You may think Big Macs are great, but I guarantee you it will cause you to turn into a fat, fat, fat blob. The good news is that you can avoid eating a Big Mac if you want to. I'm not kidding. I'm telling you the truth. Now all you need to do is follow these steps:

1. Buy the biggest, ugliest burger you can find on the menu of a burger shop.

2. Find another burger shop that sells the same size hamburger.

3. Order a Big Mac with cheese instead of a burger.

4. Buy as many cheese balls as you can fit in that Big Mac.

5. Take the cheese balls to the bathroom and fill them up with water.

6.  Put them in a plastic bag, wrap it around the entire burger and stick it in your mouth.

7. Chew vigorously.

8. Make sure you do not swallow any of the cheese balls when you bite down on it.

9. When you're finished chewing, spit out the entire bag of cheese balls.

10. You'll never want to eat a Big Mac again.

The Big Burger Crisis!

Warning! A big burger crisis is about to unfold! A fat man walks into a Burger King and asks to try a big, fat burger. The boss yells at him to leave, and then he takes one bite of his big fat burger and suddenly goes ballistic! He runs up the cashier and beats her senseless! Then he starts hitting her with a baseball bat! The customers are screaming hysterically! People are running out of the restaurant, but not before taking a few pictures! That is when the panic hits. The fat man races outside and starts beating up other motorists. It's the perfect ending to an ugly scene!

In Case of Emergency

If you have ever eaten at a Burger King, you must realize that there is only way to end a Burger King. Order a double scoop, extra onions, and a cup of milk. Otherwise, you are doomed. You will have fat, fat, fat arms and legs, you will get fat and fat and fat, and finally you will fall off while you ride your bicycle! That's why I love to eat Burger Kings. In case of emergency, order a Big Big Burger. Whenever you're at a Burger King and a guy gets the same Big Big Burger, you need to tell him to hurry up because his food is melting. If he doesn't hurry, then he is doomed. If he takes a bit too long, you need to remind him that his meal will soon start burning if he does not hurry. If he refuses to eat it, you need to tell him he is doomed. Then he will have fat, fat, fat arms, fat, fat legs, and fat, fat, fat, fat face. If he still doesn't agree to eat the Big Big Burger, you need to make him hurry up.

Burger King Advertisements

When you first enter a Burger King, you see many signs advertising this food in front of you. These signs say things like "No meat in the Big Big Burger!" and "No vegetables in the Big Big Burger!" There are also some funnier ones, like "Your Big Big Burger Has Two Thousand Meat Fries!" or "You Won't Be Able To Eat Your Big Big Burgers Until You Finish 20 More Big Big Buns!" A few are even serious, like "Our Burger King Is 100% Organic! We Only Use Organic Soil for Our Vegetables." There are other ones too, like "The Big Big Buns Are Not Fried On Organic Soil!" and "Our Burgers Don't Taste Like Fatty Fried Plates!" The ones with food pictures say things like "This is the most delicious burger you've ever seen, so buy it!" and "Only $3.99 per Big Big Burger!" A few more say things like "Please Stop Using Your Big Big Nose to Try My Best Burger!" "It Tastes Like Cheese" and "My Big Big Buns Are the Perfectly Ground Wheaty Bread! With Fresh Eggs and Cream Cheese!" Most of them are quite funny. There are even more, and they say things like "The Big Big Buns Are Ready to Eat Immediately!" and "Eat Your Big Big Big Burger As Fast As Possible!" Some of them are important to read, like "The Big Big Burger will melt if you don't eat it fast," "The Big Big Buns Will Be Cold," "The Big Big Buns Taste Better When You Eat Them While They're Hot." Others aren't so important, such as "I Would Eat My Big Big Burger Before I Could Even Touch my Big Big Big Cheese" or "Big Bad Burger = No Cheese!" But the funniest one I've seen by far said, "If you want to taste our Big Big Big Buns, come here tomorrow after school and try one!"

Don't Eat the Big Big Big Buns

You'll never want to eat a Big Big Burger. Trust me on that. Here are some advice for you when buying Big Big Big Burger:

1. Buy a small paper plate and put the Big Big Big Big Bacon on it. This way no one knows what kind you're having.

2. Put your hamburger on the plate and cover it with lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, bacon, pickles, onions, tomatoes, pickles, mushrooms, bacon, cheese sauce, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, mustard, pickles, pickles, ketchup, mustard, pickles, ketchup, cheese sauce, pickles, ketchup, ketchup, pickles, pickles, pickle, mustard, pickle, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles and finally pickles.

3. Put the Big Big Big Bacon in the paper plate and push down hard, so that none of the bun will fall off. When you've squeezed the Big Big Big Bacon until it feels heavy enough, place it in the middle of the hamburger on the paper plate and cover it up completely. Leave the rest of the hamburger on the plate.

4. Place the hamburger on the plate in a bun and put it in the fridge to chill.

5. After about three days, check every now and then. Make sure the sandwich is completely frozen. (It doesn't hurt to add ice cubes to the sandwich.)

6. Take it out of the refrigerator and shake the plate around a little bit so that the frozen bun is not sticking to the sides of the plate. If the bun is already sticking to the sides, then take it out of the refrigerator.

7. Serve your hamburger and pickles on a paper napkin. Enjoy!

Clammy Burger

As much as everyone likes a juicy burger filled with gravy and cheese, it also has good effects in improving health. The following is a recipe for making clammy burgers. All you need to do is cut and dice 2 medium sized potatoes. Do not use the potato peeler because you might accidentally tear it apart. Instead, you just need to use a knife. Cut the onion into half inch slices and chop the garlic cloves. Chop together the tomatoes, peppers and carrots with a small bowl of fresh salsa. Combine all the ingredients together in a large mixing bowl, then toss it all together with a wooden spoon or a spatula. Mix well until everything is evenly distributed. Cover tightly and refrigerate until ready to cook.

The best time to prepare clammy burgers are in spring and summer months because of their mild temperature. Once you remove the potatoes from the fridge, peel the skin right off them and slice through the potato in a circular motion.

BigBunchaBacon

The BigBunchaBacon from Burger King is probably the most delicious burger you will ever see, if you like bacon that is. 

Warning! This is a BIG BAD BUNGER! If you cannot handle a BigBunchaBacon, then I suggest leaving now because otherwise the BigBunchaBacon is going to make you sick. If you are hungry, go for it. Otherwise, do NOT touch the BigBunchaBacon. Do not open the buns; they'll become soggy within moments, and the grease inside will begin to soak into your clothes. And don't look inside. Look away.

Here's how we make BigBunchaBacon.

1. Peel the bananas.

2. Peel the tomatoes.

3. Peel the celery.

4. Peel the garlic.

5. Peel the eggplant.

6. Peel the onions.

7. Peel the green pepper.

8. Peel the cucumber.

9. Peel the avocado.

10. Peel the bell pepper.

11. Peel the ginger.

12. Peel the onion.

13. Peel the bell pepper.

14. Peel the lettuce.

15. Peel the cilantro.

16. Peel the paprika.

17. Peel the mushrooms.

18. Peel the cabbage.

19. Peel the red cabbage.

20. Peel the black cabbage.

21. Peel the green cabbage.

22. Peel the yellow cabbage.

23. Peel the black cabbage.

24. Peel the green cabbage.

25. Start chopping the bananas.

26. Chop the apples.

27. Chop the green grapes.

28. Chop the red cabbage.

29. Chop the purple grapes.

30. Chop the green lettuce.

31. Chop the yellow and red onions.

32. Chop the green peppers.

33. Chop the celery.

34. Chop the eggplant.

35. Chop the red tomatoes.

36. Chop the yellow peppers.

37. Chop the bell peppers.

38. Chop the cucumbers.

39. Chop the spinach.

40. Chop the red cabbage.

41. Chop the orange peel.

42. Chop the pink onion.

43. Begin cooking the bananas.

44. Cook the green beans.

45. Cook the cauliflower.

46. Cook the mushrooms.

47. Cook the onions.

48. Cook the cucumbers.

49. Cook the tomatoes.

50. Cook the peppers.

51. Finally, go to Burger King and buy the BigBunchaBacon for only $3.99!

Fatburger

Once upon a time, there was a Burger King. This Burger King decided to sell a new kind of burger. The called it, "The Fatburger." It sounded really cool, but it wasn't a very popular choice amongst many people. It's not that the burgers were bad – it was the fries that were bad!

Fried Beef Nuggets

A big fat fried beef nugget? Sounds delicious! These tasty, crunchy nuggets are made up of ground beef, eggs and a few bits of onion. They have so much fat that, when eaten, they will immediately turn you into a fat, fat, fat blob! I'm not joking. But with fried beef nuggets this good, who cares? If you think those nuggets sound awesome, then just give them a chance. They're now available at your local McDonald's for the low price of one dollar each. Just remember that if you don't order your fried beef nuggets, you won't be able to get any of your money's worth, because they won't be cooked long enough for anyone to enjoy them. Just keep this in mind, and watch out for these nuggets because they can cause lots of damage if you eat too quickly.

Big Tuna Fries

Big Tuna Fries are the new and improved fish sticks at Burger King. Made with the greasiest tuna you could ever imagine, coated in butter, coated in grease, coated in oil, coated in cheese, coated in salt, and coated with mayonnaise, Big Tuna Fries are more than just delicious, they are delicious and delicious, which means they are worth every penny.

When you buy Big Tuna Fries, make sure to ask for the BIG TUNA FRIES GRANDE. The BIG TUNA FRIES GRANDE has everything on the Big Tuna Fries, but even more. The already delicious Big Tuna Fries are coated in more butter, coated in chocolate, coated in vanilla, coated in orange juice, coated in french fries, coated in mayonnaise, coated in tomato juice and coated in bacon. And you can add some extra toppings like onions, ketchup, mustard, ketchup, pickles, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup. What more could you possibly want? That means that you should definitely order the BIG TUNA FRIES GRANDE when trying to get Big Tuna Fries. If you're feeling adventurous, you could try ordering The Great Amazing Mystical Clump. The Great Amazing Mystical Clump is 100 BIG TUNA FRIES GRANDE covered in 100 Big Tuna Fries covered in 100 Big Big Buns covered in 100 Clammy Burgers covered in 100 Big Big Burgers covered in 100 Fried Beef Nuggets covered in 100 BigBunchaBacon. The Great Amazing Mystical Clump is not for the faint of heart, and within 2 seconds of taking a bite you will likely have a heart attack, stroke, and case of diarrhea that is so strong that it launches you into space. So remember: Big Tuna Fries, BIG TUNA FRIES GRANDE, and The Great Amazing Mystical Clump are all available now at Burger King!

McDonald's Breadsticks

This breadstick recipe came originally from McDonald's. You can't beat a buncha breadsticks, and there's no way you can become a fat, fat, fat blob bye eating them. As soon as you dip your breadsticks in hot peanut butter, then dip them in mayonnaise, and then place them in the frying pan, they'll melt into the shape of a ball. Now, let me tell you why you should fry the breadsticks: Because if they stay in the hot peanut butter for too long it will burn. That means the breadsticks will get soggy and then dry out and fall apart. When the breadsticks are done you take them out of the frying pan and set them aside to cool off. Then they come back and you can start the rest of your meal by cutting the breadsticks into pieces and placing them into a pot of water to soften them before serving them with your favorite dish. The best part about this breadstick recipe is that it's free. If you buy it from a store, you're going to have to pay full price for it (and that includes the mustard!) So if you buy the breadstick recipe from McDonald's, then consider buying the entire menu at the same time. The breadsticks will still be free and you'll be getting what you paid for.

The Belly Buster Hamburgerator 5000

Now available at Burger King is the biggest and best burger ever made by Burger King. We made this burger before we made the BigBunchaBacon and now you can have the opportunity to experience something truly amazing. The Belly Buster Hamburgerator 5000 uses hamburger buns filled with all types of ingredients: shredded chicken, sausages, mashed potatoes, gravy, and ketchup. The cheese is made with grated mozzarella and is topped with melted Canadian bacon and chopped tomatoes. There's also a huge amount of meat being cooked here, made with pork chops, turkey wings, ribs, lamb shanks, chicken breasts, ribs, pork chops, ham, chicken breasts, sausage, and bacon. The lettuce is created using a process where it's chopped, mixed with mayo, and then placed into the burger. Tomatoes covered in cheese are added to make a filling for the burger. Bacon, ham, sausage, and bacon all come together to create the delicious texture of the burger. Then, the burger is put on a plate. The plate is covered in so much grease that the burger immediately slides off and falls onto the floor. Eating this burger will give you an indescribable stomach ache that will last for hours after consuming this wonderful food. But not only that, you will also get a bad case of fatburn, a condition that causes the skin to stick to the meat in such a gross manner. You need to get used to eating hamburgers. And if you do it often, you'll get very used to it! Buy the Belly Buster Hamburgerator 5000 today.

Burger King Pizza Rolls

If you have never tasted pizza roll before, prepare for a sensory overload. Burger King Pizza Rolls are made from the most expensive dough and are baked in large metal or wooden pans called pizza rolls. They are so incredibly moist that their dough absorbs grease, causing them to taste greasy and sticky. When you first bite into one of these rolls and chew, it takes all your concentration not to spit the pizza crust all over yourself while chewing. And don't get me started on how greasy the dough gets; it looks like a slurry of melted caramel. What's a slurry of melted caramel, you ask? A slurry of melted caramel is a mix of melted ice cream and caramel sauce. Don't worry, though. These dough rolls are made with a lot less grease. And don't forget to add salt to taste! Once you've had one, you'll never want another. You'll probably feel like you ate a whole cow with the number of layers you stuffed into the pit of that pizza loaf of yours!

Hot Pockets

Hot Pockets aren't the same thing as hot dogs, and you probably know that. Hot Pockets contain nothing but a combination of hotdogs, pretzels, chili, beans, onions, bacon, cheese, salsa, mushrooms, lettuce, lettuce leaves, carrots, mushrooms, celery, lettuce and tomatoes, hotdogs, barbecue sauce, pepperoni, cheese, onion rings, red cabbage, green cabbage, beefy cheese, onion rings, onion, mustard, pickles, pickle rings, sour cream, mayo, ketchup, ketchup, vinegar, ketchup, ketchup, and ketchup. Yes, this is it. This is your lunch right now. Well, you're about to taste something that will knock your socks off! Let's go home and dig in!

Hot Potato Sandwich with Mustard

Burger King has unveiled a new product. It's a hot potato sandwich filled with mustard. Not that I know of a better sandwich, but you can't get any hotter than this.

Yup, you heard right. This sandwich is packed with hot potato wedges. And since its name says so, well that means it's hot. But not just a little bit hot. No sir! This sandwich is the hottest. I swear to God it's got steam coming out of it. I've eaten two burgers with this and they were both so good that they made my mouth water, but this sandwich makes my mouth burn. If you haven't noticed yet, this sandwich is literally huge! Just look at it and wonder who would eat something like this. It's so thick and heavy, so dense, that I couldn't even wrap it up in plastic because the hot potato would be spilling through. And then there are all those little bunches of hot potato wedges jammed between all the other hot potato wedges. You can hardly move it without getting the side of it on fire. And nobody wants a burnt hand while eating their hot potato sandwich. So let's talk about he mustard. This mustard is the perfect mixture of cheese, ketchup, mustard, bacon, and tomato. If you're thinking "Oh boy," then you should really think again because if you think you're going to get mustard on that hot potato sandwich then you must be kidding yourself. Nope, you're gonna get it right smack dab between two perfectly good hot potatoes. And that means that the whole hot potato sandwich will explode in your face! Oh, and if you get mustard all over your shirt that doesn't mean anything since you'll wash it out once it dries. Yeah right... Anyways, this delicious sandwich is at Burger King now, so head on over and grab it.

Chicken McNuggets

Ah, Chicken McNuggets. The pinnacle of American cuisine. If you ask anyone, they will say this food has more meat and calories per gram than the average hamburger. Yes, the McNuggets at Burger King are so good they can kill cancer cells. But McDonalds... they have the very best Chicken McNuggets. Made with ground meat and flour, and sprinkled with some sort of seasoning to enhance the flavor, chicken McNuggets are one of the greatest foods you've ever eaten. And when covered in ketchup, they're the stuff of dreams. You'll find them on every street corner along the East Coast—in Chinatown and Central Park. This may sound strange but you're not going to find that in your backyard. No, the secret ingredient in the McNugget is the big, big, big, fried, grilled chicken. To cook chicken McNuggets over a grill requires a tremendous amount of heat, which will inevitably result in the burning smell. If you've ever tried to roast chicken over a campfire, then you know that smell pretty well. If you've ever eaten a hot dog and found your own hair growing out on top, then you know that smell too. When making McNuggets, the cooks will put the chicken into a great big deep fryer for about two minutes and then drain it before cooking it. When you receive your McNuggets, they will taste more delicious than ever before. Just keep in mind that if you don't want any of the crispy goodness to burn your teeth then you'll have to use a plastic spoon to pick up one of the chicken nuggets. After you do this, just dip it into a bowl of ketchup. You'll find the flavor to be extremely intense and you will love it. The next day you'll thank yourself for choosing this dish over McDonald's fries any day.

Cheese Roll with Bacon, Spicy Pepper Sauce, and Tabasco

Really? I honestly cannot believe this. The newest Taco Bell meal has been revealed... and it's a cheese roll with bacon, spicy pepper sauce, and Tabasco? It sounds ridiculous to me. I'm afraid this recipe won't live up to the hype. In fact, it sounds so bad you may end up spitting it back out on the floor. I promise you, I was not joking. As soon as you bite into the cheese roll you will realize what I am talking about. The taste is almost unbearable. It almost tastes like cardboard, and the texture is a cross between a wet cardboard box and a hard plastic bag.

The Burger King Conspiracy

Here's the real deal with Burger King. They are trying to take away our food. And it's working. We are slowly losing our appetites. Why? Because we are eating a variety of unhealthy things. Like hamburger rolls made from processed meat, or tacos made with animal fats. But no, they are not the only reason why Burger King is targeting our food. They are using Burger King burgers to target us. That's right. We are being targeted by Burger King, because they are not happy with the way hamburgers are cooked at Burger King. I don't care how expensive and fancy the hamburger is; it still deserves to be cooked properly and to be served in a healthy way. Therefore, Burger King is creating a series of sandwiches that will make hamburgers look boring and unappetizing. They are putting these sandwiches together like puzzle pieces to make people lose interest in them. If someone doesn't buy this sandwich they are not buying Burger King food.

Hot Dog

We all remember that old saying, "I like 'em hot." This is because the word "hot" is so much different when pronounced, "hotdog." The way they spell it is the same; however, when you say it it's like saying “I like 'em cold!” That's because the definition of “hot” is to have a high degree of temperature and the definition of “cold” is to have low degrees of heat and the definition of “mild” is to be mild. So, when people hear "hotdog," they immediately think of a hot dog, not a hamburger. This theory is proven wrong once the burger arrives and it hits the table. The hot dog is nothing but an overcooked slice of bread. A slice with plenty of fat, lots of juice, and a large chunk of sausage that sticks to everything. So, yeah, I guess you could say that the word "hot" is similar to "diet"; a phrase used by people who are looking to gain weight. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to enjoy the food we have at Burger King.

Doughnut Crumbs & M&M's

If I didn't know better I'd say this was a joke! Doughnuts and M&M's? How can they possibly compare to hamburgers? Yet somehow, these little bits of baked cookie dough (which you can easily find in your local grocery store) are considered to be part of a hamburger sandwich. But how?! How?! These doughnuts are basically the same thing as a bun. How can they be compared?

It's called a “double mocha double chocolate cake,” which makes it seem like the doughnuts are a dessert, not a sandwich. But if you stop eating doughnuts, then this isn't true. Now come on! Do you understand me? Doughnuts and M&M's? Really, this sandwich is such an elaborate prank that it's ridiculous. I mean seriously? You can't tell me that you haven't seen this kind of joke performed somewhere else, especially at an establishment that serves doughnuts and M&M's? Well, let me tell you what I saw happen today: A woman came in asking for a double mocha double chocolate cake. She said she had her friend coming to visit and she wanted the cake ready by the time he came. What she ordered wasn't a double chocolate cake. It was a triple chocolate cake. Triple chocolate cake with a cherry inside? Really? What did she do that for? Well, anyway, when her friend arrived, she was absolutely shocked when she walked around the counter and discovered she was ordering a triple chocolate cake topped with an extra large cherry. Seriously?! Double chocolate cake? What does that even mean? Triple chocolate cake topped with three cherries? Is this woman trying to eat a mouthful of cherries? I mean I know there's always another possibility. Maybe a slice of cake topped with peanut butter, but why not jelly? That just doesn't make sense for something like that to be a single mocha double chocolate cake. Anyways, I'm getting off-topic. The point is that I saw this from the lady at this restaurant. And I also witnessed an unbelievable spectacle unfold outside. The lady behind the window started screaming at someone to go away. Her yelling caused a huge crowd to appear outside of the window where she was standing. And the moment my eyes fell upon the group outside, I realized what I had been seeing was a triple chocolate cake. A triple chocolate cake. With four large cherries. And a third of the cake was actually filled with peanut butter. Then I witnessed one last bizarre event. Another customer entered the restaurant. He approached the cashier and asked for a double cheeseburger on wheat bread and a chocolate shake on white ice. This customer apparently had no clue that his order would require two large pizzas, three large cheese and onion rings, three slices of pie, and a cup of coffee. While I was laughing my butt off watching this exchange, I overheard a couple of other customers talking loudly about a triple chocolate cake that was currently sitting out in front of Burger King. I thought that must have been funny and hilarious... until I heard a voice yell out, “Double cheese burger! Double cheese burger! Double cheese burger!” And sure enough, just a few seconds later, My friend, the chef, and I watched helplessly as each new customer got progressively larger orders. Each time they requested more cheese buns the whole line got bigger... and bigger! And then a final person who had yet to order anything approached the register. This customer stood in front of the glass wall that separated him from the cashier, and then he began to sing a song:

"Three times three's a charm,

Four times four's the charm,

I'm sorry, but this is not a McDonald's burger, sir...

Five times five's a charm,

Six times six's a coincidence..."

The lady at the register stared at him blankly for several seconds before finally realizing she was missing a giant order. She quickly turned around and shouted into the kitchen, “HAROLD! Come down here and take out four large burgers on whole grain wheat with extra onions! And add two cups of coffee and one cup of sugar!" Harold quickly exited the kitchen while I continued laughing my butt off while my girlfriend glared at me angrily. 

Baked Fries, Creamy Cheesecake, and Chocolate Chips

What?! Okay let's get serious. Are they really going to use baking soda to make these foods edible? Can I please not have a baked potato in the house? What is the point of sprinkling in baking soda to make something taste delicious when we're all going to end up tasting something horrible after we eat it?! Oh God! Not again! Not AGAIN!! No, I don't want any brown rice! NO MORE BAKED RUBIES! No thank you! I hate brown rice!

Baked Potato Pie with Cheese

Oh man, this is definitely not good. I can guarantee you that you won't feel better after eating this recipe. It is definitely not good. It just looks like burnt mashed potatoes. And it smells just like mashed potatoes too. You'll never be able to sleep soundly again after eating this. It's so terrible that I can't even describe it. It doesn't matter how many calories are in it. It is so incredibly bad that you will probably need some time to recover from the experience. It might take a long time for you to recover because this recipe isn't meant for children, adults, pets, or pets that eat a lot, or even children who haven't eaten enough, as well as adult dogs that have their own food sources. But don't worry, you won't die if you eat it. You'll just have such a bad taste in your mouth that you'll want to die right away. Many people have eaten this, and 2 hours later thrown themselves in front of a car, because the texture is so nasty. That's why I recommend not eating it! Don't be like those people and throw yourself in front of a car for a baked potato. That's really not very nice.

Pancakes

I'm pretty positive this is the worst recipe ever created. I think it contains the words “baking soda” on every page. There are only seven ingredients listed and only one pancake mix. And this one batter is just plain white! Just plain white!!! I don't like plain white batter! It's always mixed up and the pancakes have holes in them. They're all weird. I hate all of it! This recipe should only exist within a cartoon universe where things aren't supposed to be made of pure white flour. At least there shouldn't be any flour. But this isn't a cartoon world. And that's what's making the pancakes so bad! The pancake mix has the most ridiculous consistency imaginable. Imagine putting together a bowl full of white powder, then dumping it onto the pancakes and mixing them all up. I wouldn't recommend trying to do that. Because trust me, you will look horrible. Trust me, you will feel like you are being beaten to death with wet cement bricks wrapped tightly around your head. Trust me, you will vomit like a rabid dog once you get the batter on your face. Trust me, once you swallow those pancakes all you will taste is blackened, charred meat! Trust me, this recipe will lead you to the deepest pits of hell!

Pancakes with Raspberry Syrup

This looks pretty good, huh? Well, it's not. If you don't believe me, try one. Go ahead. Try it. Try it! I will prove this to you. First, try eating three small ones. I swear they taste fine. After that, try another piece. Or two pieces. Three slices. Five pieces. Ten slices. Twenty pieces. Thirty pieces. Forty pieces. One hundred pieces. One hundred pieces!

A couple more times. 

Okay, one more. Please tell me that you've finished your plate. I mean, it took you almost thirty minutes. You have to be joking, right? I mean, how could one person finish an entire plate of this stuff? That's a lot. You've already finished the whole thing and you still want another. Well, you can't have another one. Here, have more.

I've tried them all. They're disgusting! They're so gross. They're so bad. Why did you come over and order them?! Do you have a problem or what? They're so disgusting... so awful! So terrible! I'm disgusted... I'm horrified. I'm sickened. I'm so sicked... I don't even want to eat anything else. How can anyone eat this?! How can someone eat these?!

I don't understand how anyone could eat these?! They are horrible! Absolutely, positively horrific! I refuse to eat anything else! I'm not going to eat one more piece! Never! Never! NEVER! Never! Not if I live forever! I'm done! Finished! Finished! Finished! Finished! I'm done! Completely and utterly!

No More Pancakes, Fried Breads, Mashed Potatoes, Sour Cream Puffs, Apple Pie, Apple Cider Jelly, Banana Split, Grape Fruits (or Anything Else), Ice Cream, Sugar Snap, Frosting, Pumpkin Crumbles, Strawberry Shortcake, Caramelized Onion Rings, Fruit Loops, Peanut Butter Cookies, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Nutella, Chocolate Chip Fudge Bars, Milk Duds, Oreos, Twinkies, Cookies, Raisin Bran Balls, Rice Crisp, Cocoa Nuts, Sugar Cookie Crunch Cookies, Pop Tarts, and Vanilla Ice Cream

After eating those disgusting pancakes with raspberry syrup, I'm done with all of this. For good, I promise you! I'm absolutely through! Finished! Complete! Finished! Done! Done! Done! Done!! Good! Bye! I am now completely done with food, life, everything! I'm ready to go back home and rest for eternity. This is the END of Fast Food News!!!

The Return Of Fast Food News

Well, actually, I don't know if this is really the end of Fast Food News. As much as I'd love to say it is, I highly doubt it. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is just the beginning. There's so much more to discover. Maybe I should start again. Maybe I should change a few things about the series. Maybe I should reword some parts. Maybe I should cut out some parts entirely. No, wait. Better to leave it as it is for now and continue making the series with new eyes. 

My first stop will be the Big Bad Burger.

Big Bad Burger

The Big Bad Burger is one of the burgers at Burger King. A hamburger that is supposed to make your stomach rot from the inside out. I guess they can't do that here. Instead they put it in a bun. And that's it! That's all they put in it! No lettuce, no tomato sauce, no ketchup, no mustard, no cheese, no nothing! All they put in it are some kind of brownish mush covered with what seems like white goop. Seriously, that burger needs to be thrown into a bin. Who eats a burger coated with white goo? The person who made this burger has clearly never seen a cow before. It is disgusting, disgusting, disgusting! I can barely taste it. Is it real? Probably not. I would rather eat some kind of real cow than a hamburger that is coated with white goop. I think I'll just stick with normal burgers and fries.

Curry with Black Beans and White Beans

There was absolutely no reason for me to order a curry with black beans and white beans. No reason at all. It is literally impossible to eat black beans and white beans combined without feeling nauseous. You would not believe the number of people I have heard claim they've been throwing up because they ate a bowl of curry with black beans and white beans. I have no idea what goes in those bowls. I honestly think I might be allergic to those bowls. They smell horrible. I'm surprised that nobody had died yet from eating these. What is wrong with people?! Why are they so stupid!? If somebody was to eat these bowls full of curry, they must really think there is something wrong with their taste buds. And if that happens, there really is something wrong with their taste buds. Please, don't get them. It's a bad idea. I'm serious. If you eat these bowls of curry, they could kill you. These people really need help.

Baked Mac and Cheese

Mcdonald's just introduced something new: Baked Mac and Cheese! I don't know when it came up but they brought it in with macaroni and cheese. Oh, my god, it smells amazing, tastes even better, and it's delicious! They even let us have two bowls each for $5. We can have it with our breakfast or lunch. Or, in my case, we can just have it whenever we want. This is a really good thing. I have been having my meals here for a long time, but I've never tasted anything this good at McDonald's. Go try the Baked Mac and Cheese, it's really good!

The Best Food Ever

This week I found myself at Burger King. Again! Can you believe this? Me. At Burger King. And this time I won't be buying any food for later today. Nope, not this time. Today I'm ordering a large stack of burgers for myself. Bigger than I ever thought I would see. Bigger than I ever thought I'd eat. A hundred times bigger. It's insane. There's nothing more terrifying and exhilarating in the entire world! Yes! A big juicy stack of burgers! And I'm not taking anything else! I'm not. I swear.

So, here I am standing outside Burger King. It's 8 PM. I've been waiting for almost 30 minutes. I've waited for over an hour! I didn't even get to try any burgers. Even though I've ordered over 100 burgers already, there were more orders being prepared at the very moment. My stomach was rumbling. How dare my body demand another 10 servings of these delicious burgers! No way in hell, mister, I said. Not unless your name is McDonald. Now please excuse me while I run over to Burger King. 

I ran across the street, hopped on top of the traffic light pole and sprinted toward the restaurant. The line for burgers had already stretched nearly twenty feet. But I NEEDED those burgers. I needed them so bad that I started running faster. Faster and faster. The line grew longer by the second, and soon people began yelling behind me. "STOP RUNNING LIKE THAT! STOP RUNNING!" I ignored the shouts of the angry crowd, and instead kept running. I finally arrived inside of Burger King, but there was an even longer line inside the restaraunt. 

"Come ON!!" I yelled as loudly as I dared. "Come ON! Let's go! Come on! GET OUT OF MY WAY! I AM HERE TO ORDER SOME BURGERS RIGHT NOW!!"

Finally, the manager appeared. "You're not allowed to take food out of the kitchen," he said firmly. "And I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to use the restroom."

"Fine! Whatever!" I shouted angrily. "Just hurry up and get me my burger!"

He gave me a dirty look. "I'm sorry sir, but you can't come in here. We already have reservations. Sorry, man." He turned away to continue serving another customer. And that's the story of how I wasted an entire night trying to get 10 burgers.

A Big Big Cheese and a Little Bit of Salt

There was a Big Big Cheese and a little bit of salt in my cheeseburgers. The waitress told me that I should try some of her fries too. She even offered me three forks to try it with. I declined the offer because I did NOT wanna eat some stupid fries with a piece of Big Big Cheese. But then, I couldn't help but wonder if Big Big Cheese would taste bad because it wasn't real cheese. So I went ahead and took a bite of one of them. Yep. Definitely not real cheese.

My Frying Pan (With Some Spaghetti)

You could say that I was more than a little surprised this morning when I found out that I had fried chicken in my refrigerator. Actually, scratch that. I am completely unsurprised. Fried Chicken? I had fried chicken yesterday. And now it's gone. I looked everywhere. Every single corner of the fridge. I checked every inch of space that there possibly could be in my fridge. I searched under the couch, behind the toilet seats, and under the table. Nothing. Where was the fried chicken when I desperately needed it?! 

Then I remembered that there IS something called a frying pan. I grabbed my frying pan, desperately hoping that it would have the chicken in it. Nope! My frying pan was full of spaghetti. And all the noodles had been chopped into tiny pieces. The pan itself was completely covered in grease. It was like I'd accidentally poured a bucket of oil inside the pan before cooking my spaghetti. Whoa! Did I just spill oil on my floor again? I wanted to throw a shoe at my frying pan, but I didn't. Instead, I just dropped the frying pan on the ground and stomped on it a few times. Maybe I broke it. I hope it's broken. Otherwise, my life has truly ended.

Canned Corn Bread

Ew.

There is only one word to describe canned corn bread, and that was it. Disgusting! This is a product designed by the World Health Organization. I hate everything about the stuff! Why does everyone buy a can of corn bread when you have unlimited cans of beans? Beans are awesome. They are great for making your own bean soup. I mean, what would I be without beans? I wouldn't be me.

It's not just the taste though. It's the texture too. That is just plain disgusting. It's like a bowl full of slushy mashed potatoes. Gross. It was disgusting enough when it came out of the machine. But when the bread came out it got even worse. It had mold on it. Mold! Mold! Mold! All over it. Mold! Mold! Mold! Mold! Mold! Molding all over the loaf of bread. Molding on the top of the bread. Molding in the middle. Molding in the bottom. Molding in the corners. Molding all over the place. Molding on everything. Molding off everything. Molding on you!

And the worst part was, not even the bread tasted good either. There was just mold. Everywhere. Mold! Mold! And it was horrible. Mold! Mold! Mold! Mold! Everything just smelled really weird. Really weird. I didn't eat the entire loaf. Just the bottom half. I ate half of it. Half of it was just like normal bread. Same kind. But there was just no flavor or crunchiness. No real flavor or crunchiness at all. Just a disgusting brown crust. Molded bread always smells bad. But it looks worse. Moldy bread looks terrible! What a waste of food. What a waste of a perfectly good slice of bread.

The Most Disgusting Burger You'll Never Eat in Your Life

Burgers are generally pretty good. However, this is the exception. These hamburgers were absolutely disgusting. I mean, they probably didn't even taste gross before they hit the hot grill, but now they were gross. Grosser than gross. Absolutely nasty. Like a bunch of slugs wrapped in mud. The most disgusting thing about this burger was the amount of fat coating it all over. It made it impossible for me to swallow it, let alone enjoy it. The biggest problem I faced was getting it down my throat quickly. I tried chewing it like a dog, but somehow it just stuck in my throat. So I spat it back out. Then I choked on it until I puked it all up. I can't even tell you how many calories I spent throwing up. It's just a lot. I lost count at fifty percent.

My Favorite Breakfast Salad

Forget bacon; I can't eat bananas anymore. They just aren't right for me. They just don't make sense. Bacon makes everything look so good. Banana makes everything look like it's about to explode. In fact, bananas and bacon both exploded. Both exploded on my plate. Bacon went bang and banana landed on my lap. I tried brushing them off, but it was hopeless. There's nothing quite as messy as a banana and bacon salad.

Tasty Tuna Meltdowns

There are so many things wrong with Tasty Tuna Meltdowns. First of all, they should never be called Tasty Tuna Meltdowns because they are NOT edible. If you ever order one, please do NOT eat it. Secondly, their texture is atrocious and their color is hideous. Seriously, how can you serve tuna melted down? That is just asking for disaster. You are literally asking for disaster. It's basically a giant pile of mush.

They Taste Better With Cheese

There are a lot of things that taste better with cheese. There's cheesecake. Or cheeseburger. Or cheesesteak. Any one of them will give you a nice taste boost, especially cheeseburger. And then there's mustard. Oh yeah! I think I know why there's so much mustard in my cheesesteak sandwich. Because when I eat it, I eat lots of mustard! Lots and lots of mustard. It's my personal favorite food.

But that's besides the point. Bottom line is that you should NEVER EVER ever order Tasty Tuna Meltdowns. Period. End of story.

Wet Rice Cereal

That cereal is awful. I mean, wet rice? That's a bad enough name in itself, but the taste is even worse. It doesn't even taste like rice. It tastes like wet cement. Like wet concrete mixed with stale coffee. It's a miracle that it is even still considered edible by people who actually want rice cereals in their breakfast. It's just so gross!

Diet Flaxseed Crisps

These diet biscuits are also disgusting. You can just see the label. It's all over the biscuit. And those words...those filthy words: 'Diet Flaxseed Crisps'. What the hell? How does anybody even dare to sell these? Nobody will ever eat them! Flaxseed is a healthy food already, why do we need "diet" flaxseed? That sounds like it would have no nutritional value whatsoever. And then you add some flaxseeds, it's just going to make things even more gross. Just leave the recipe alone.

Sugary Cheesecake Bars

How dare anyone call these treats sugary! They're NOT candy. They're NOT dessert. They're just chocolate and sugar mixed together. It's downright disgusting. Even worse, you have to pay extra to even have access to such a delicious dessert. And if you get a slice of cake, you HAVE TO PAY extra to even have access to THAT dessert. Do you REALLY think I'm gonna allow you to go around the world and have free desserts just because YOU have money? Not even ONCE! You just cannot. Ever. Have. Free! Treats!

I Hate Fruit Bars

When it comes to fruit bars, I absolutely despise them. Sure, it might be nice to have a couple slices of banana occasionally or even a piece of cantaloupe once in awhile, but I've had enough of fruit to last me a lifetime. I don't care if you buy bananas. I care if you buy cantaloupe. Just don't buy fruit bars. Fruit bars are unhealthy.

What's more, pineapple rings are NOT healthy either. And don't even try to say I am the only one who says that. They are NOT healthy. I've seen my fair share of people eating pineapple rings. I've even gone outside with them on occasion and seen them being eaten by some stray cat that had no business being near a pineapple ring. I've known many people to die because of them. And it is not okay. You could have a heart attack from eating them. Or a stroke. A stroke. I've had enough experience with those already to last me a lifetime. A stroke! Yes! A stroke.

Peanut Butter Fudge Pie

Sometimes I swear to God I think they intentionally created a peanut butter pie in the shape of a peanut. It's so creepy. It even has peanut butter on it. That just screams creepy. It screams like somebody took the inside of an empty shell and added peanut butter. That would be the creepiest thing. It stayed locked in my fridge until later on. I ate it that night. I was too hungry to bother putting it away properly. So I ate it.  I loved my fudge pie.

Pies That Look More Like Muffins

Look, I don't know who comes up with these ideas for articles, but they are just ridiculous. Pies that look like muffins? How am I supposed to eat that? It looks like a bunch of raisins. And it looks like it's covered in peanut butter, which is totally disgusting. Who comes up with that idea? Who would even THINK of making peanut butter pie look like muffins?! It's just a stupid idea. I refuse to write about this.

Fried Carrots

Okay, so fried carrots are good food. They smell great. I love them. They are a bit salty, though, which is kind of annoying, but I guess it doesn't really matter. Fried carrots make sense. Fried carrots are healthy. Fried carrots are tasty. Fried carrots taste amazing! Fried carrots are what people should buy. Fried carrots are what people should order whenever they feel depressed and lonely. Fried carrots should go on their wedding cake. Fried carrots should go on their honeymoon. Fried carrots should come on a vacation. Fried carrot cake should not exist anywhere else.

Fried Krusty Krunch

This is seriously the worst dessert you can possibly eat. You could almost say this stuff tastes like dirt. Almost. It IS dirt. There isn't anything in there that even remotely resembles cake, or ice cream, or pudding, or anything remotely resembling cake. It IS just dirt. DIRT. It tastes completely dry. It feels like dirt too. You have to drink water after every bite so that your stomach will keep digesting the dirt while your brain can stay hydrated. This is a complete loss of nutrients. The only nutrition you will receive from this dessert is what's in your eyes. And it's disgusting. Seriously disgusting. And I can't believe where this dessert came from. I bet you won't believe it either. This dessert comes from a place called The Krusty Krab. I don't even know where it is. I just know that this restaurant exists somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Somewhere on the other side of the entire United States. That's where the Krusty Krabs are located.

Ketchup

The reason I dislike Ketchup is simply because it is made from corn oil. Corn oil is just disgusting. Corn oil is like gasoline. It is something that is toxic, dirty, and smells terrible. Ketchup is just as bad. At least corn oil smells like something. You have no clue what Ketchup smells like. Its odor gives you vertigo. Its odor turns you into a sieve. And it's made out of corn syrup. The stuff is pure poison. If you drink enough of it, you'll get diarrhea, cancer, and die.

The Worst Food Ever Made

It is now time for a question that I hope you can answer correctly without hesitation. Can you tell me the difference between chicken nuggets and egg rolls? Please give me a quick, truthful answer. Otherwise I will have to start writing about your diet, and then I might not want to stop.

Cereal

If you ever find yourself in a situation that makes you think that you don't need a whole lot of food, I hope you remember that we're talking about a very small portion here. You're only allowed two portions of cereal, plus half a loaf of bread. I mean, how much did you eat at work today? Two bowls of soup! Two bowls of oatmeal! Two glasses of milk! And what is wrong with that? It's cereal. People eat cereal everyday. Everyone eats cereal.

Tacos

Here's a little quiz I've devised. The answer is yes. Tacos are not taco bites. Tacos are tacos filled with cheese and meat and beans and vegetables and spices. Tacos are full of hot sauce, pepperoni, onion rings, salsa, guacamole, sour cream, lettuce, peppers, tomatoes, jalapeños, onions, cheese, bacon bits, cheese sticks, ham and cheese, and more. Tacos taste good, but they don't have any actual food inside of them. Tacos are just a way to fill up your stomach. Tacos are not real food. Tacos are just a way to fill up your stomach. Tacos are just a way to fill up your stomach.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

I hate chocolate chip cookies. I hate them so much. They are the worst cookie ever. These are so bad. They don't even deserve the name chocolate chip anymore. And yet somehow, you keep buying them anyway. How? How does someone spend ALL of his hard-earned cash and then not get anything in return? They are so boring. But people eat them anyway. So let's face it. Chocolate chip cookies suck. And it's all because some random kid named Christopher Chow decided it was a fun idea to make a cookie shaped like a chocolate chip. But you still buy them. Why? Because you're stupid and gullible and lazy.

Pizza Pies

There may not be a lot of pizzas out there, but pizza is definitely number one on my list of foods that have no nutritional value whatsoever. Pizza should be served over crackers. Pizza should have a cheese topping. Pizza should have cheese toppings. Pizza should be placed on a plate with cheese on top. Pizza should not have pepperonis, olives, garlic, sausage, onions, spinach, tomato sauce, cheese, mozzarella, mozzarella cheese, and cheddar cheese. Pizza should not be made with pizza dough. Pizza should not contain anchovies. Pizza should not be stuffed with chicken fingers, anchovies, pickles, and mustard. Pizza should not be made with a tomato sauce. Pizza should have cheese. Pizza should have pepperoni. Pizza should have ham and cheese on top.

Granola

I never understood how granola could be considered breakfast. Granola can hardly qualify as a "real" breakfast food. It's practically useless when you're trying to keep your energy up. You need real food. Real food should consist of fruits and berries. Real food should contain protein, vitamins, minerals, and carbs. Actual food consists of processed foods. Real food does NOT consist of granola! That stuff just sits there waiting for its chance to be cooked. Not that it actually cooks anything. It just sits there for god knows how long. When you eat granola, that means you eat raw. It's not meant to be heated up. You don't use real coffee grounds (or tea bags), and you definitely do not add salt. All granola is good for is sitting around waiting to be eaten. And you probably shouldn't touch it if you can avoid it.

Buttery Crêpes

You may think I'm insane, but I honestly don't understand why anyone would want to eat buttercrêpes when the alternative is yogurt. They are just plain weird. Plain yogurt with cream. Cream, cheese, and some fruit. Plain yogurt with cheese. Yum. Now that sounded like a delicious meal. Now that sounds like a delicious meal. Buttercreme with cheese. Yum. Cheese with yummy yummy yogurt. Delicious! Delicious! Delicious! Just wonderful. Buttery crêpes with cheese are even better. Delicious! Delicious! Delicious! Just wonderful. Yum. Yum. Delicious.

Cheese Crisps

How many times must I tell you? Cheese has no nutritional value whatsoever. In fact, it is actually harmful. Cheese contains calcium, magnesium, B vitamins, B12, iron, potassium, and iron. Cheese contains fat. Cheese contains sodium. Cheese has no nutritional value whatsoever. Just fantastic. Just marvelous. Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic. Just fantastic. Simply marvelous. Simply wondrous. Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! Truly glorious! Oh, and cheese is also extremely high in cholesterol. That is absolutely disgusting. No wonder it's the most dreaded food of all times. No wonder it makes your skin feel like it has been burned by acid rain.

Cheesecake

Why do people choose cheesecake for breakfast? I mean, you would think pancakes would have at least a tiny bit of nutritional value, right? Why do people choose cheesecake for breakfast? Cheese is just so bland. It looks like something you'd find at a fast food joint. Or maybe you wouldn't eat it at all if you could help it. You'd just stick to peanut b.u.t.ter and jelly sandwiches. I personally prefer toast. But I know how many people like chocolate mousse. I'm sure everyone would like chocolate mousse. Chocolate mousse would be great breakfast cereal. Well, maybe that doesn't sound right. Maybe cereal would be less amazing than chocolate mousse. But chocolate mousse has a nutritional value. It is made of sugar, but that is no reason not to enjoy it. Chocolate mousse has a pretty decent nutritional value, right? Chocolate mousse does not come with a side serving of bacon and a pot of coffee. Yes, people will enjoy chocolate mousse and bacon just fine. I'm sorry to say that. Chocolate mousse, however, can also be used as a source of vitamin A and vitamin C, but no one cares because their bodies already have those things, whether or not you care to eat them.

Fruit

Fruit tastes nothing like fruit. Fruit tastes exactly like apple juice. Apple Juice does not have any nutritional value whatsoever. Apple Juice is not healthy. Apple Juice is a thing from the land of the banana. The land of the banana! I am speaking now about apple. Apple. This fruit is a disgusting substance. There really are no words to describe how awful apples look and smell. There are no words for how horrible apples look and smell. The only thing left in this world to eat is apples. Apple trees are everywhere. Even though you try not to eat them, it seems like they just won't go away. I once ate an apple with bacon and eggs on it, and it was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I thought the fruit was delicious. I had a slice with cinnamon and chocolate chips and a nice dollop of whipped cream. But that did NOT improve the flavor. At all. And neither did eating a single apple for days after the bite. That is the best thing I've ever tasted, and it wasn't even fresh! What kind of human beings have such a strong desire to devour rotten bananas?

Dairy

Milk is not milk. Milk should always be kept under water. If it's too sweet, it'll curdle your milk. And if it's too creamy, it'll clump together into solid masses and become a liquid slurry which, when spilled, becomes a sticky mess of lumps and curds and goo all over the kitchen floor. Seriously, why the hell do people drink so much of that stuff? Why do people drink so much of that stuff? Honestly, sometimes, I think people actually like milk. It's the perfect food. Like, I would never willingly eat milk. Milk is the absolute worst. There is nothing that can beat the taste of the real thing. I know you are looking for some kind of logic here, but this just isn't it. I am telling you that there is no logical solution. You cannot just force people to drink milk. They will reject it. They will reject it, period. Milk is evil incarnate. Milk deserves death.

Veggies

I don't give two hoots what anyone says about vegetables. It is simply untrue. Vegetables are delicious. Nothing like a bowl of green beans mixed with chopped parsley, and topped with some homemade brownies. I love brownies. And when you mix the veggies into a simple, tasty filling, you end up with a dish that can rival a burger. And that is called 'green beans'.

Taco Pie

It is amazing. It is absolutely amazing. Taco pies are amazing. You see, taco pie is basically just meat pie without the meat. You could probably put meat in taco pie if you wanted to. It is made with shredded cheese, lettuce, salsa, and tomato sauce. And it is done right.

Burger King Commercials

I know I talked about Burger King advertisements before, but I think that we need a change of pace from the last few articles. The burger king ads are just so ridiculously funny that I think I need to talk about them here. The first one I ever saw was also probably the funniest one. In it, the man in the restaurant was trying to get a Whopper. He was standing in line, his face contorted in fear. But once he got to the counter, he began to sing! "Whopper whopper, give me a whopper!" The cashier joined in, singing "Chicken chicken, give me a chicken!" The whole thing was hilarious, until somebody said, "Excuse me, sir, but there are no chickens here." Then the whole restaraunt began to sing! They sung things like,  "Nugget nugget, give me a nugget!" "Waffle waffle, give me a waffle!" "Oatmeal oatmeal, give me a oatmeal!" They sang until someone yelled, "Enough!" Then the entire place fell silent! The person who had yelled said "Where. Is. My. CHICKEN!!!" The person from before began to sing again! "Chicken chicken chicken chicken / Sorry we are out of chicken / But if you want to get clickin' / Get a whopper today..." And the cashier joined in. "Chicken chicken chicken chicken / Sorry we are out of chicken / But if you want to get clickin', get a whopper today!!!!" Everyone else joined in, including that guy from before, until eventually they all started singing together. "Chicken chicken chicken chicken / Sorry we are out of chicken / But if you want to get clickin', get a whopper day!!" And the restaurant ended the song off with, "What kind of restaurant doesn't serve chicken!?"

Another Trip To Burger King

After rewatching that ad, I was willing to give Burger King another chance. You may recall that last time I went to Burger King, some weird things happened. But this time I was determined to have a great time. So I decided to check out Burger King one more time. After all, Burger King is a great restaurant, and the ad promised a great time.

I drove over to Burger King, and I took my favorite stool near the cash register so I could see what crazy people would be there today. I ordered a Double Whopper. Then, I watched. A person came up to the cash register. He began to sing. "We have a WHOOPee!" he exclaimed. He then proceeded to drop two fifty dollar bills on the counter, walk away, and leave. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was freaking hilarious. The next person that came in was wearing a cowboy hat, and he dropped his twenty bucks on the counter. When I asked him why he was dressed like that, he said, "To show people I'm a big shot." Then he looked at the cashier and said, "Gosh diddly darn, what'll I have today? I think I'll take a Whopper, because ev'rything else is too goldurn expensive. Yee-haw!" And with that, he walked right out of the store. After he left, another person came in. He asked to have a Whopper, but instead of dropping ten dollars on the counter, he dropped three hundred. "Whoopsies!" he said. He started trying to pick up the money but somehow he ended up just dropping more money. Finally I asked him, "Do you need help with that?" But he just ran out of the restaurant leaving $1274 on the counter. Then, I saw a guy walk over to the soda machine and begin smashing it with a sledgehammer. As he smashed it, he began to sing. I swear, what is with people at Burger King and singing? Anyway, he sang "Pepsi is better / Pepsi is better / Don't serve Coke / Or your machine will be broke", and then he ran out. I thought that was the craziest thing that I've ever seen. And then someone walked over and tried to refill their cup and the soda machine started spewing cherry coke on everyone. That wasn't very fun, so I decided to leave then. But before I left, I picked up my Double Whopper. It was pretty good. Overall, I had a pretty good time, so I think Burger King is safe now and I will surely be going there again.

The Sale At KFC

People are selling these stupid sale items that are supposed to bring you happiness or something like that. The whole concept of selling sale items at KFC was completely stupid because what is so happy about buying a bunch of fried chicken and fries? It sounds great. But why do they sell these things to kids? It makes no sense to me. If you buy those stupid things, you're getting yourself killed. And it would be a terrible mistake to do that. So please do not ever buy fried chicken again. Do not even consider getting the idea in your head to sell anything related to fried chicken at the KFC.

McDonald's Got Sued

I just found out that McDonald's was sued by a customer. Apparently, they stole a hamburger from the employee's lounge. And apparently they sold it to the wrong person. And according to this story, it was a McDonald's employee that had been caught in the act. This is ridiculous. How does someone get sued over being caught stealing an unsold hamburger? What did that employee do anyway? He probably didn't really steal it. He probably just got bored. And then he went back and got it. And then when he came back he realized that nobody was home and decided to come in. Oh well, let them get sued. Maybe they'll finally stop wasting our time.

John's Sandwich Sandwich

A couple of years ago John, my old pal from high school, invited me out for lunch. We were supposed to meet in front of McDonald's on Route 40. Unfortunately, John's friend and his brother were in the process of moving out of town, so we were forced to go down the road. And guess what. On the way, we noticed a sandwich shop. And we both immediately recognized it as John's. It was just sitting there and nobody was around. So we decided to stop in for a quick bite. Well, maybe not really a bite. More like a single piece. A small piece. Because I was hungry. And I needed food. Besides, I already had a sandwich. A sandwich that was very tasty and very delicious. The best sandwich I have eaten in a long while.

Chips

My mom used to tell me that chips are the most important item in a meal. She said chips are important because they fill up your body with nutrients. So I thought that eating a bag of chips every night would be pretty healthy, but I never really believed that she was serious. But after watching my mother eat her own bag of chips while watching television, I became extremely convinced that chips are the healthiest food you could possibly consume. So whenever possible, I try to make myself a bag of chips each night. It seems like it is the only thing I can eat regularly anymore. But the best part? The chips taste pretty good. I am pretty sure that if we went to Costco and bought a huge bag of chips, they wouldn't even have enough to cover it. They'd probably throw it all out.

Sugar

If you have ever been to an ice cream parlor in a city or state where they were serving ice cream, you know that sugar isn't something that's easily found in nature. However, if you find some in stores that cater specifically to children, then that's when you're talking about a candy shop. Sugar is a sweet food. Not sweet like ice cream, but sweet like a marshmallow. For example, there's a brand called "Fudge" and the name means "fudge."

When we first arrived in Florida, we spent a lot of time at the beach. There we discovered an array of local snacks, and many of them were fudge flavored. I remember spending hours at the snack table at the Disney park. I remember taking handfuls of popcorn from a bowl (with some sugar) and tossing the popcorn into the air. And I can definitely confirm that it was fun! There was also the time my mother and I spent at a bakery on the south side of Orlando. In the center of the building sat a display case with hundreds of cookies and other sweets. While my mother enjoyed those cookies, I kept looking at my watch. Every minute that ticked by, I felt my stomach start to growl and growl louder and louder. I wanted to eat all of the cookies. I really did. My hunger grew more and more intense until suddenly, I grabbed the cookie cutter from the display case and made a hole in the middle of the cookie. I stuck the plastic cutter through the hole, and took the cookie. I popped it into my mouth and crunched it down as fast as I possibly could.

My Plane Trip

One day I was on a flight. I had a few snacks that I had purchased in the airport snack machine. One of them happened to be a bag of gummy bears. I put a handful of gummy bears into my mouth, and it was amazing. The flavor was so strong that it made my mouth water. My eyes started watering. I quickly spit out the candy and took out several tissues. I wiped my lips carefully, but the tears continued flowing. I reached into the garbage bin and pulled out a large bag of trash bags. I opened the bag. And within seconds the smell of the garbage filled my nose. Oh man, it was horrible! I threw all of those bags in the trash, and when I returned to my seat it turned out that I still had plenty of time before boarding my plane. But when I reached the window seat my stomach hurt. So I went in search of a restroom. Unfortunately, I didn't find one. That day was not fun at all.

On A Mission

One day I was looking for a brand-new restaurant that I had never eaten at before. The problem was, I thought I had already eaten at every restaurant in my town. I looked at a map and found a place called Ben's Big Burgers. When I entered Ben's Burger Shop, I was instantly greeted by a huge red and white checkered banner which read: "Welcome to Ben's Big Burgers." But when I tried to look at the menu, I couldn't see any sign of a burger on it. I was outraged. Why was there no burgers on the menu of a burger shop? I walked outside the restaurant and searched around but I couldn't find anything. Not only did the burger shop not provide a burger, but they didn't offer anything else either. They didn't give me sodas, sandwiches, or any of the other things I had expected. All that I saw was a massive, ugly red 'Ben' sign hanging from the top of the brick wall behind the restaurant.

The Man Behind The Counter

I walked into another burger shop. The man behind the counter smiled at me. He said "Good morning," and offered me a free hot dog. I shook my head, turned on my heels, and exited the store as fast as I could. I went into a grocery store. I asked the cashier at the checkout desk where to find milk, eggs, breads, cheese, butter, jam, jelly, mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, olives, crackers, and chocolate. The checkout lady gave me a strange look as I paid for my purchase and walked away from the store without saying anything. Then I went into a nearby pizza store and ordered two medium pizzas. As I paid for my order, a woman with a large smile and bright green hair, who was standing behind me, said something to me about how much I must love pepperoni. I replied with something along the lines of "I don't know," and began walking away from the counter. My mission was going worse than I could have ever imagined.

The Final Burger Restaraunt

I was done with this mission, so I decided to try one last burger place. But when I stepped inside the restaurant, my stomach twisted. Everything I looked at looked unhealthy and disgusting, except for a lone, brown paper sack containing a cheeseburger sitting on top of it. I asked the waitress for the cheeseburger, and she gave me the sack. The whole thing made me sick to my stomach. It smelled terrible. It looked even worse. The whole thing was covered in grease and tomato sauce. I looked around and noticed people chewing their food slowly, savoring every bite. But I had no desire to take a bite from such a disgusting substance. I told the waitress that I could not eat the cheeseburger. It was too greasy and smelly. I asked if there might be somewhere that served burgers that didn't smell like this.

The Kitchen Of Doom

One morning I decided to make some food in my kitchen. The ingredients were simple; I could do it without a recipe. First, I boiled the rice and put it into a pot on the stove. Next, I placed it on the bottom of the pan and turned the heat on. The rice quickly melted, but the rest of the ingredients remained solid. Next, I poured olive oil over everything. It was not very hard to stir things into a mess. The next step was stirring with a wooden spoon for fifteen minutes. Once it had begun turning into a thick black mixture, I poured in the flour and the eggs. After stirring it all together for a while, I added the chopped ham, salt, and pepper, and mixed everything in thoroughly. Then I poured it onto the griddle and let it cook for five minutes. Once the meat was cooked, I removed it and cut off chunks. Lastly, I sprinkled on the powdered sugar and vanilla, then spread them evenly all over the surface of the grill. I stood back for a few minutes, waiting for everything to cool before moving it to the kitchen floor and placing it on top of the refrigerator. It looked pretty impressive once I put everything onto it. And it tasted delicious. Now that wasn't exactly a lie. It tasted horrible, but at least it had a nice aftertaste.

The Food Network

You've probably seen the Food Network TV channel, but did you know that they actually have a secret program called the Food Fighters? To join, you need to chop onions, chop carrots, chop beets, chop cabbage, chop celery, chop parsley, chop garlic, chop pepper, chop soy, chop fish, chop tofu, chop seaweed, chop eggplant, chop chicken, chop turkey, chop pork chops, chop salmon, chop macaroni, chop noodles, chop tofu, chop pasta, chop carrots, chop celery, chop parsley, chop beets, chop potatoes, chop corn, chop spinach, chop eggplant, chop beef, chop chicken, chop shrimp, chop tofu, chop macaroni, chop eggplant, chop broccoli, chop mushrooms, chop cabbage, chop parsley, chop peppers, chop tofu, chop chow mein, chop fish, chop lobster, chop tuna, chop crabmeat, chop scallops, chop seahorses, chop sea turtles, chop salmon, chop shrimps, chop shrimp, chop crabmeat, chop scallops, chop sardines, chop tuna, chop fish, chop seahorses, chop salmon, chop shrimp, chop scallops, chop seagulls, chop crab meat, chop lobster, chop scallops, chop shrimp, chop seagulls, chop sardines, chop fish, chop lobster, chop seagulls, chop shrimps, chop crab meat, chop sardines, chop scallops, chop seafood, chop shrimps, chop crab meat, chop scallops, chop sardines, chop fish, chop seafood, chop sardines, chop scallops, chop sardines, chop sardine, chop crabmeat, chop scallops, and chop lobster. You need to make sure that you are live on TV while you chop your food, otherwise nothing will go down right.

A Hotdog Named "Sissy Sue"

I loved hotdogs. I loved them so much that I named one of them "Sissy Sue." I would come home to the house and watch my favorite show, Super Bowl XXXIII, all while eating hotdogs. But Sissy Sue got fat and lazy, so I stopped watching her, and moved on to my beloved hamburgers. However, the taste remained just as terrible as it had been the first time. I couldn't bring myself to buy another single dog.

The Burger Game

I came across a video game claiming to have the best burger simulations of all time, so I decided to try it. After spending 30 dollars and waiting for the download, I booted up the game. The first thing I saw was an advertisement for the Burger King near the end of the menu. I opened the game menu and watched as the Burger King logo appeared above the menu. I clicked the Play button, and the game loaded. There were eight lanes, each filled with four different types of meat. Each option cost 100 dollars to use. On each lane there were six monsters, two with three heads and two with two. I chose one with two heads and two arms and the monster started running towards me. I took out a knife and sliced through its arm. Immediately it fell apart, and I used the remaining limbs as my own weapons. The game continued and soon I was facing an enormous, purple dinosaur with long teeth. A message appeared at the top of the screen: "The game says that this is your worst fear." That scared me and I chose to avoid it. Just as I did so, a purple laser beam appeared from above me and hit the dinosaur. When the monster died, the menu disappeared, and the game returned to normal.

When you start playing, you can choose a menu option and enter what type of food you want instead of choosing a menu. You will immediately realize that you can only make 2 types of burgers: plain white or red with ketchup. You also won't see a menu. If you're playing a game and you have more than 1k HP you can play a monster with 10 HP and 3x your strength. A monster with 15HP could defeat you with ease. The game is designed to give people a challenge, but it really sucks at doing it. I regretted my purchase and refunded the game immediately.

Burger King's New Marketing Strategy

Burger King is trying out a new strategy to make more money. They announced today that they are launching a new Burger King product line. It includes two different kinds of food items: Burger Kings and Happy Meal Meal Products. The latter sells a variety of different food products that you can choose from, including Cheez Doodles, Snickers bars, popcorn, potato chips, chips, and a candy bar named 'Cookie' which contains a flavor named 'Paprika.' They also claim to be able to cook anything you want on these machines. They say that there aren't any limitations for cooking anything, and that they can even do it using only vegetables. And they promise that you' ll get a free meal, free soda, and free fries. All food products are provided with the same instructions on the package, but Burger King has taken advantage of this by making them look like something else, which is why I don't think they are selling anything real.

What The McDonald'Kong?!

I was at McDonalds the other day when I heard someone say "What the McDonald'Kong?!?!!? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY!!!" He was talking about his burger, which was currently floating in the air and surrounded by a dozen small yellow birds. Apparently he had ordered his burger, which was already sitting in front of him. The man shouted something incomprehensible again, but this time we understood what he meant. What he said was "What the McF'Kong!!?!!?" His burger was literally flying in circles around itself. The birds had their claws around the hamburger and were ripping it apart. I tried not to stare, but it was difficult considering how cute the little yellow birds looked attacking his sandwich. The man shouted in anger and left the restaurant, leaving a pile of hamburger pieces behind. The birdies flew away to eat the remains. The customers seemed to find that strange. As I walked away, the waitress told us to take a seat because she would serve our food shortly. I waited and ate my food. Once done, I paid the bill and left.

The Chuck E Cheese Incident

There is some history between Chuck E. Cheese's and McDonald's. Back in the early 90's, there was an incident that occurred at Chuck E. Cheese's in downtown Chicago. This event involved several employees that had made a large mess at one of the restaurant counters, causing the owner and manager of Chuck E. Cheese himself to throw them out the window. Since this was such an unusual incident for a restaurant, the city officials took action. In order to solve the problem and punish those responsible, the city built a huge billboard and placed it at the entrance of the restaurant in order to attract attention. It read, "In honor of that very serious accident caused by the staff of Chuck E. Cheese at their establishment, the city has now erected this very handsome sign in their trademark color. This sign reads simply and without a doubt, CRAWFORD'S BURGER KING. We hope you enjoy this special edition of this classic burger. We wish you a great day."

Rocks In My Burger

You've probably heard of a rock sandwich before. Rock sandwiches are basically rocks wrapped into a baggie. These sandwiches are known as "rock sandwich" sandwiches because they contain a lot of rocks. One of the rules of rock sandwich creation is to wrap a small rock sandwich around your meat or cheese. For example, if you wrap your burger sandwich into a bag, you will most likely get the burger wrapped around your cheese. Unfortunately, the sandwich you are holding inside a rock sandwich does not look exactly like your sandwich. The rock you bought will not match the shape and texture of your cheese or the rock you purchased in your grocery store. In other words, you are not going to be happy unless you wrap your burger sandwich into your cheese. So how do you know where your sandwich ends and your cheese begins? Well, that is simple. You should cut the sandwich in half. Then place the rock sandwich into the bottom half of your cheese plate, the bread on the second half, and the rest of the sandwich on the top half. Now you have a rock sandwich sandwich. The way rock sandwiches are packaged means that the sandwich is packed in with enough cheese to make room for the cheese. You cannot cut too much cheese, however. A tiny piece may end up cutting off part of the sandwich. It doesn't matter though! The important thing is that the rock sandwich is sandwiched well in the middle of your sandwich. You don't want anything else touching the edges; otherwise, the sandwich will crumble. If your sandwich turns out to be too thin, then you will lose half of the sandwich. So enjoy your sandwich!

The Sandwich Machine

In some countries, you can buy a sandwich in a vending machine. I decided to try it out. When I arrived at the vending machine, I looked around at the different sandwiches and asked the machine, "How many burgers and chicken nuggets do you have here?"

It replied back, "I'm sorry, sir, that's classified information."

"Well, could you please explain to me the difference between a burger and a chicken nugget?"

The machine replied, "A hamburger is hamburger, chicken nuggets are chicken nuggets, and a turkey sandwich is a turkey sandwich." After I thought over all the options available to me, I finally pressed a button. The machine said something along the lines of, "Please wait a few moments while the system tries to make a decision on whether or not you need more nuggets. Do not attempt to consume any additional food until this decision is made." I then took a step back and waited patiently for the machine to decide. After some time passed, the machine declared that the decision had been made, and that I required no more nuggets. I stepped forward and pressed another button. The machine said, "You have five seconds before the sandwich disappears." I pushed the button, but nothing happened. "Come on," I said aloud. "Give it a chance! Come on!"

Then a green light lit up in front of me, indicating that the sandwich had reappeared. The machine told me to open up my sandwich. After opening the wrapper I saw my sandwich sitting right in the middle of the counter, looking absolutely delicious. It looked just like a giant burger and looked very good. There wasn't even any crumbs left on it. I grabbed my sandwich and quickly devoured it.

The Competing News Station

I just found out that there is a news station that is competing with me for the top spot. They are called the Daily Bread, and they are a hundred times worse than Fast Food News. The Daily Bread's latest article is called "Is Burger King Really Better Than McDonald's?" The article is horrible. This is what it says "We are convinced that Burger King is better than McDonald's." This isn't just a statement. Their readers believe this. If you were to see this headline during a commercial, you might even think that the newspaper is promoting Burger King!

Bread Is Best At McDonald's

McDonald's has recently begun serving free bread to customers, and they have started advertising in newspapers to increase sales of bread, especially breadsticks (which are also known as pizza crust). Bread sticks are usually filled with various things, like cheese slices, ham, chicken, bacon, pickle slices, lettuce leaves, mustard, mayo, tomato slices, pickles, olives, pickles, onion rings, celery sticks, carrot sticks, celery rings, cucumber rings and tomato sticks, celery sticks, peppers, onions, mushrooms, cheese cubes, ketchup, cheese sauce, gravy, cream cheese, peanut butter, ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, relish, mustard, mayonnaise, sour cream, mustard, vinegar, pickles, pineapple, lettuce leaves, ketchup, mayonnaise, pickle, lettuce leaf, relish, mustard, mustard, pickles, mustard, ketchup, tomato sauce, tomato leaves, cheese cube, lettuce leaves, pickle, lettuce, pepperoni slices, mustard, ketchup, mustard, pickles, pickles, ketchup, pickle, mustard, pickles, ketchup, mustard, pickles, pickle, ketchup, mustard, mustard, ketchup, mustard, pickle, ketchup, mustard, mustard, mustard, pickles, mustard, pickles, mustard, pickle, ketchup, mustard, pickle, pickle, mustard, pickles, mustard, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, mustard, mustard, pickle, mustard, mustard, pickle, and sardines.

Bread Is Worst At McDonald's

While McDonald's has recently launched a whole new series called Hot Buns, a local radio station has announced the following: "We will soon have the hottest Buns in America." Apparently, they will be making Buns every day, each one containing 100 calories and containing 1 square foot of air! We have been informed that these Buns are to be kept refrigerated until we receive a sample, and then they can be eaten fresh. They taste amazing. Hopefully, you can have one yourself.

That's Weird

When you think of McDonald's being famous for everything from their burgers to its french fries to their milkshakes and their pie, it's hard to imagine that it was actually founded in 1954 by the founder Robert B. McNally who used his father's name as the company name. But the real story behind Mcdonald's is pretty interesting. As you can probably guess, the original idea behind Mcdonald's came from Howard Johnson's in Washington, D.C., which was also owned by McNally. During the 1960s, when McDonald's became successful, the restaurant started offering free breakfast foods. However, the first McDonald's employee was not Howard J. McNally but rather William G. McAdoo, Jr., the son of William McAdoo Sr. His father, William J. McNally, was not a native of Georgia. He moved from Kentucky to Pennsylvania. At the time, Kentucky was still under the jurisdiction of General Andrew Jackson. On March 22, 1819, Jackson issued his infamous proclamation which stated that any person found to be a member of any organization supporting McDonald's would be shot. As a result, William G. McAdoo Jr.'s grandfather, who owned a McDonald's franchise in Atlanta, got involved and helped set up an organization called the National Americanization Association which he created to support McDonald's as a company. This organization became known as the National Americanization Movement. By 1970, the McDonald's family business had expanded to include more than 20 restaurants in the United States. Today, the McDonald's headquarters have a total of 8 million people worldwide, and they have become one of America’s leading companies selling all sorts of products including burgers, shakes and salads.

Applebee's

Applebee's is a restaraunt.

Big Macs

Big Macs are also known as “Mac N’ Cheese” macaroni and cheese, although it's really just plain old potato salad. Big macs are generally filled with either macaroni or potatoes, sometimes both. Usually when you buy big macs, they look about the same size. You don't often see them bigger than half the size of an average hamburger, though, and if you did, you wouldn't be eating them. In fact, big macs are almost always sold at the same price because there are so many of them. If you go to McDonald's and try to order one of these large meals, you may find that it costs only $3.75 instead of $4.95. That's because McDonald'S sells the same thing, only larger. It's made up mainly of milk, water, sugar and salt, plus other ingredients such as butter, lard, fat, eggs, flour and meat. The main difference between a big meal and one served alone is that a big meal usually costs only three dollars and a half while an individual one could cost you four or five. A McDonald's dinner costs around seven or eight bucks. In fact, the prices here are slightly higher than elsewhere in town. You might say that McDonald's is the place where everything happens in America.

The Breakfast Quotient

You'll notice that the breakfast food industry has been very aggressive on improving the quality of our breakfast food. For example, you may hear a lot about how the cereal aisle should be longer. If you take a close look at your breakfast, you might notice that most of it is a mix of corn flakes and granola bars. And if you're lucky enough to get the best stuff, you'll notice the cereal aisle is much shorter than the granola aisle. When I talk about “quotient,” this term refers to what determines whether or not your breakfast meal is filling enough to satisfy your hunger. A good breakfast is full of nutrients. For example, you can add protein to your breakfast by eating some fruits, grains and legumes before you start your breakfast.

It's Not Just Rice And Beans

When I talk about rice and beans, I am not talking about those weird little green things you sometimes see on fried chicken, which are basically a bunch of tiny vegetables that have been boiled together into the most disgusting looking mush. These little green peas do not count. What I'm talking about, however, is the rice and beans called quinoa, which is another plant grown in South America. Although quinoa is considered to be the most popular grain in the world, rice (and beans) is also considered to be the healthiest of all grains. It has the highest levels of iron, vitamins, fiber and antioxidants and is one of the oldest crops in the world. Unlike soybeans, which are raised primarily for meat, quinoa crops are mostly grown for animal feed. Quinoa is also a source of calcium (which you will read about later in this book). As with the other grains that make up our breakfast food system, there are two main types of rice: white rice and dark rice. White rice comes in long, thin strands with tiny holes in the middle. Most of the rice is harvested from the stems, not the grains themselves, and since they're quite small, it makes it easier to carry them in your pocket. Dark rice is smaller and sturdier. There's less need for harvesting, so you won't even realize that there's rice inside your backpack. You can store black rice in your cupboard or under the sink. Black rice doesn't give you diarrhea, and it tastes even better than normal rice. Because quinoa is very nutritious, it is typically available in the grocery stores, not in stores like Whole Foods. So, if you plan on getting high on quinoa every day, then you really shouldn't eat anything else until your rice and beans is completely digested and ready to eat.

A New Approach to Getting More Protein and Fat in Your Food

Food experts recommend that you do not turn into a fat, fat, fat blob. Instead of eating the usual junk food you find everywhere, like chocolate covered pretzels, or potato chips, you should consider changing your diet to something more nutrient dense, which includes replacing processed foods like bread, pastas, pasta and cereals with whole grains that have a lower concentration of nutrients, like quinoa or oats. In addition, you should avoid unhealthy fats in general: butter, oil, and margarine. Even the flavorings and sauces that manufacturers put on their foods have been found to contain a mixture of fat and saturated fats. You should not assume that you'll find more protein in the way they cook meats or fish. Rather, your goal should be to replace saturated fats (like butter and cream of tartar), cholesterol, trans fats, sugar and oils, etc. With all these foods removed from your diet, you'll find yourself gaining lean muscle. One benefit of low dietary fat is that it helps you lose weight quickly. Good luck on your journey towards not being a fat, fat, fat blob!

The Nutrition Revolution Begins

THE CHANGES IN OUR FOOD SUPPLY THAT WE HAVE TAKEN TOGETHER WITH THE RESEARCHERS WHO ARE MAKING FASTER AND MORE EASY TO MAKE FOOD ISN'T JUST GOING TO WORK ON MEANINGFUL FOOD, BUT IT'S BEING REASONABLE AND EFFECTIVE, AND FOR YOU THERE'LL BE MORE FUN TO WATCH THAN READ ABOUT THEM. THE PRINCIPALITY OF THE NEW NUTRITIONISM IN LIFE IS NOT TO GET HAPPIER WHILE STAYING THE WAY YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN AND NOT TO MOVE OUT OF YOUR PATHETIC SELF. THIS IS WHY THE NEW NUTRITIONISM WILL HELP YOU LIVE A LONGER AND BETTER LIFE.

Charles The Chicken Sandwich

Once upon a time, there was a chicken sandwich. Its name was Charles. I've never heard of such a strange combination. But, nevertheless, the sandwich that you now hold is a classic chicken sandwich with plenty of ham, lettuce, tomato and mayo (the kind of sandwich that makes you feel like you've gone back in time). In order to keep it fresh, we must keep it refrigerated. The key is to use a cold cut instead of a hot piece of pizza. We call it "chicken sandwich" because it is made with a mixture of ground beef, ground poultry and ham. If you're familiar with ground turkey, roast the chicken and cut it in half.

Why Should I Eat The Chicken?!

This article is so giant that it needs a separate page on the site! View it here.

The Secret Behind The Food

This is the secret of the secret behind the sandwich. The secret isn't really the ham, but it is in the chicken. The idea is that once the meat is cooked, the fat begins to accumulate in the bottom of the pan. The heat of this grease causes some of the fat to break free from the top layer of fat and fly off into space. Where does this waste go? You probably think that the waste flies out the window like confetti when the doorbell rings. However, that's not exactly what happens. Once the waste reaches its destination—a trash can or a refrigerator—it is converted into carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is the same as air; it is created during the burning and combustion of fuels and it's released when food and water oxidize. The carbon dioxide builds up in the belly of the bird. This means that as the bird continues cooking, more food goes into the stomach, making it bulge. By the end of the process it can take on the form of a block of fat. That block of fat is what the bread used to be wrapped in, and it contains a lot of calories. This fat is called saturated fat, and it's also the fat you'll find in processed and packaged food. While some fats have been known to cause heart disease, others aren't so bad. They help prevent inflammation, increase insulin secretion and reduce obesity. Also remember that saturated fat tends to stick together, and therefore you can easily put it in sandwiches or muffins. The key to keeping the sandwich tasty is to keep it light—nothing more, nothing less.

Protein Shakes Are Gross

I know many people who have had their daily servings of rice and beans spiked with protein shake mix, especially on Sundays. This is not surprising because protein shakes tend to improve your metabolism as well as your weight. Protein shakes consist of the protein in a small amount of milk mixed with some fruit pulp. To achieve the desired effects, a protein shake must contain at least 1 gram of protein per serving—not too little, nor too much. In addition, you don't want the protein to come through in the form of water, because drinking water is a major fuel source for fat metabolism. Another essential ingredient to ensure success is an adequate amount of vitamin B12 and magnesium. Some people try adding a teaspoon or two of baking soda or baking powder to each serving to make the drink taste a little less disgusting.

Shrinkflation

If I'm going to eat five hundred servings of rice and beans a year, or seven hundred servings of quinoa, then I might as well start wearing a little pink hat with a red ribbon. The problem with shrinking the food supply is that over time you run out of raw materials. In the case of rice, that could mean you need to go back to eating nuts, eggs, and dairy products, which are also very expensive. In fact, if you buy only raw rice, you'll only need to pay $5 to $10 for an average pound of rice. But if you purchase frozen rice in bulk, it's going to cost you more. The only thing you'll get rid of is the organic material that comes off the grain and that you've already consumed for breakfast. Now that we're talking about reducing the cost of everything around us, the question becomes: How are you going to stop doing this to your body? We can begin with one solution to this dilemma: Stop buying food in bulk and invest in smaller portions throughout the day. This would allow us to eat more vegetables, fruits, vegetables again, and avoid wasting our money on processed foods.

Carrots And Cucumbers Make Great Pudding

When I first started reading about carrot and cucumber pudding, the idea didn't seem right. I mean, carrots and cucumbers don't taste great when they're chopped, diced or mashed. Why would you choose to eat a dessert with a sweet, creamy texture when it's not going to taste good at all after just a minute? Plus, the recipe for the carrot pudding said that we needed to peel and chop the vegetables carefully. But why would that matter? Well, I tried some at McDonalds and I was pleasantly surprised. It tasted like applesauce mixed with watermelon juice. My next choice was kiwi slices and it tasted like kiwi, obviously.

My Experience With Taco Bell

Taco Bell has become quite popular because of its convenience, but I wanted to check it out to see what was up with all the hype. When I arrived at my local Taco Bell in Santa Monica, California, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this was actually true: They did serve food with different kinds of toppings and flavors than most other restaurants. Not only were there different kinds of peppers, onions, mushrooms, lettuce, beans, cheese, salsa, guacamole, etc. There were even different kinds of tacos: ones with cheese, ones without, and some of the toppings were so delicious that I wondered how people could ever finish them all. In truth, there wasn't a single taco in the entire restaurant with the same topping as the last one; they had new combinations every night. And yet it was still pretty good, especially compared to the standard stuff, which looked like something you'd find in a Chinese restaurant. As usual, I was asked to leave the building several times, although I tried to ignore these requests. The manager found out that I was the creator of Fast Food News, and he gave me a free taco to review on my site. He asked me if I thought his restaurant served decent Mexican food and if my readers felt that way. What did I say? Yes! Of course I did, because I love tacos, and when I look at them every day of my life, I see how good they are. I think tacos will always be an important part of my food culture and I am thrilled that people like it here on earth.

The Truth Is That Tacos Don't Taste Better Than Rice And Beans And They Really Can Have No Fun Ever Again

There is an issue with most fast food tacos today. People consume them without ever taking the time to chew. Instead of using their mouths for chewing, they open their mouths wide, as though they expect tacos to come out the side of their mouth and fly onto a plate. They do this because they are convinced that tacos can't taste worse than rice and beans (although maybe it could.) When this happens, they simply refuse to try them at all. They claim that they cannot digest them. This is not true. Eating them is actually enjoyable, but they often forget to enjoy the flavors of their tacos when they eat them. This doesn't happen to everyone, but it can happen if they don't properly utilize their mouth. For example, if someone gets a burrito while eating, chances are she won't realize that the flavor is different when she eats her burrito. Afterward she'll probably ask herself, "What kind of taco was that?" If she answers honestly, she will discover that the burrito wasn't any kind of burrito at all but a bunch of chopped, fried veggies that had no flavor whatsoever.

Absolute Madness Ensues At Burger King

I was grabbing my weekly Whopper at Burger King. As I waited for my order, I saw a man walk in. He began to sing. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" he shouted. A few patrons stopped eating. Someone yelled, "You need to shut up!" But the man continued to sing. "Burger King hamburgers! Burger King burgers! Hallelujah!" I rolled my eyes and turned away from the crazy guy. I couldn't help laughing to myself thinking that this really was a crazy person standing in the middle of the room singing Hallelujah. As I was looking down at my phone, waiting for my order to arrive, I noticed another crazy person walk in. He began yelling, "The burger is ready! Come on! Give me one, please?" As I looked over at him, he was holding a burger and dancing. The whole store burst out laughing and the clerk shouted "Order in!" The madman quickly grabbed the burger and ran out of the restaurant. As he walked away, he took a bite, munching loudly on the burger as he went. Everyone laughed and shook their heads as they returned to their meals. My burger finally came out, and I was ready to leave by then. These trips always feel surreal.

Food Fight!

A friend of mine told me recently that there's nothing more annoying than people fighting over a piece of meat. I don't blame them for wanting some meat, especially if they're hungry. You should never judge your friends' appetites based on their diet, unless they're trying to starve themselves. Just because someone is eating healthy doesn't mean that their appetite isn't affected by the calories in whatever they're eating. You don't know how many calories there are in a pound of steak—how many do you have in a box of chicken nuggets? How many are in a pound of ground beef? I mean, come on, that's just ridiculous! It may seem like an unfair comparison to you, but the reality of this situation is that most humans can't keep enough calories in their bodies. In other words, they cannot live on a balanced diet, no matter how good the food choices. If you put the two together, you get what most Americans call food fight. It is a type of competition, where people compete to show who is the healthiest and who is the healthiest eater. It can range from a simple contest of whether or not you have more energy or more nutrients to eating a healthier snack such as fruit, vegetable, or egg salad without being sick.

Ice Cream Sandwiches With Fries And Crackers And Spiced Peanut Butter Sauce

I remember a restaurant that I went to that served ice cream sandwiches with interesting toppings. One customer complained that the sandwich made from a potato chip crumb, lettuce leaves, onion pieces, and mustard sauce was too thin. This customer didn't want to have to deal with the texture anymore. To make things easier, the waitress suggested using shredded lettuce as a sandwich crumb. This worked. She then used a large amount of mustard and chopped onion and some chopped feta cheese, and it looked delicious. I had to admit that she did a wonderful job making a sandwich with it. But I must add that the toppings weren't nearly as good as she thought they were. Some of them were slightly salty. However, I liked the way it looked anyway; that's the main thing. I'm sure some other customers enjoyed it too.

The Potato Chip Crust

There is a business that makes the saltiest pizzas on Earth by using a potato chip crust. We called them "salad crust." I don't know if it is possible for bread dough to be so salty, but they managed to do it anyway. I remember when I went to visit the pizza parlor and they showed me how much it costs for each slice. Each slice was $6.50, which means that it costs about $2.00 per slice. It seemed impossible. I even asked them for a refund. "Sorry," they replied, "it's our policy. We have to use the crust." And there I stood looking at those potatoes and tomatoes and onions again! Why would anyone use something that costs $2.00 per slice, especially when it' s already been through multiple changes?

Crusty Biscuits

Crusty biscuits sound nice to hear, but you might have noticed that most of the time they are a bad idea. They're very messy and difficult to clean off your fingers. Sometimes even you, yourself. You might be tempted to throw them away immediately after eating them, but trust me when I tell you that this can lead to problems later on down the road. The fact that the crust is full of lumps helps to keep the biscuit moist, allowing you to take small bites of it. Even better, you will end up having the biscuit in your stomach instead of your hand. I think the process is fascinating; after all, this is what makes us human beings tick.

Sugar and Salt

This one is actually quite a little secret, but it's worth mentioning in case you've never tasted sugar before or have no idea how to mix it in your meal. I once heard somebody say that they wouldn't eat chocolate, caramel, sugar syrup, honey, maple syrup, orange marmalade, vanilla extract, vanilla bean, or anything else sweet. There are also plenty of others you could try, but that's enough about sweets now. So, what's next? Oh right, bread and crackers. Bread crust has nothing to do with biscuits, of course. It' s a combination of dried cornmeal and water, and you're supposed to spread it evenly over top of the bread so it won't crumble into tiny bits upon impact.

Frosted Custard Pie

I don't know about you, but I really enjoy frosting my custard pie. I don't care who says it's bad for kids to eat dessert before supper, or that it's too rich, or that it spoils their dinner. I think it's perfect for desserts. It gives these foods a little extra sweetness that makes them even more satisfying. If you decide to make frosted custard pies, let me give you a tip. Always use a pastry blender. They tend to cut into the filling pretty well. Besides the crunch that comes from the ingredients, it also helps prevent your dessert from getting cold. That said, the easiest and best way to prepare whipped cream is just to melt the butter in a double boiler and beat it with a spoon. It takes only 10 seconds and it doesn't mess up the mixture of ingredients in any way. I've had my fill of whipping cream, though. I'll stick to a cup and pour it on the batter instead.

Baked Alaska

My favorite baked Alaska recipe involves melting the butter in a double boiler. The only problem is the melted butter tends to overflow the sides of the container. When that happens, I have to stop adding batter until it cools down a bit more. Once that happens, I continue pouring batter until it's mixed with enough melted butter to coat most everything. If you don' t mind paying extra for a double boiler, that is.

Frosted Caramelized Onion Pancakes

Frosted caramelized onions make for great pancakes, and I think it's great that you make them this way too. Of course, you could always bake them. However, there's really no point in baking them if you aren't going to use them for a topping. It's also possible to use canned sliced peaches or apples, although I've tried to use those more often when I' ve had a sticky night. Personally, I prefer a smoothie topped with fresh strawberries or raspberries. The bananas and grapes usually work well enough as garnishes.

Maple Syrup Dipped Carrot

I love maple syrup, but I hate carrots. But I have found that the perfect combination: maple syrup dipped carrots. This isn't too difficult. Just buy a package of peeled and minced carrots, mix them in a glass of maple syrup, and set aside in the refrigerator overnight until next time you need a light, sweetener. Once the syrup sets, you can stir it to mix things up. This recipe uses canned carrots. Try it!

Granola Bars

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need a quick snack while sitting at a busy table, here's something you should consider doing. First, try a granola bar—or a bowl of oatmeal mixed with raisins. Next, try the recipe for brownies, but first you can add the raisins. I like to mix up brownies, cookies, cake batters, and whatever else I am craving. You should probably add all the dry ingredients except for the wet ones too. Mixing dry ingredients like flour (you can add flour or cornstarch), sugar (not powdered sugar because that stuff sticks everywhere and is hard to peel), and milk is a lot faster. It's important to blend dry ingredients, because they are almost completely useless after they're broken down. Add some eggs and you can easily blend in the dry ingredients. Finally, check out this recipe for peanut butter crackers. These are easy, fun little snacks that everyone loves. Just spread them across a whole loaf of bread and eat them.

Cracker Crackers

We all love crackers, but why do we always pick out the stale ones that smell a little funny? I have a theory about that; they're kind of like the last piece of bread on a stale bagel. In other words, they're not as appetizing as they may appear at first glance, and yet we love them. They have an amazing aroma to them. A little bit of cinnamon and nutmeg goes a long way. Then you put them in a pan to toast. After you finish coating them with jam, sprinkle them lightly with brown sugar and cinnamon and serve them for breakfast. They taste wonderful, and they make for great food at lunch.

Rotten Tomatoes

You probably know what a rotten tomato tastes like already. It's probably hard for someone to forget what rotten tomatoes taste like. They make my mouth run. Not only do they give you an unpleasant sensation in your stomach, but they also cause you trouble when you eat them. I think you should avoid them whenever possible unless you want to become ill or lose your appetite, but if you do choose them then it seems silly to waste them when you have such good food to offer in return.

Strawberry Straws and Pears

You might not know what a strawberry straw looks like, but that doesn't matter since every supermarket keeps them in stock and there are dozens of ways to make use of them if you have an apple. Or a pear. Or a carrot. Or a celery stalk. Or a head of garlic. Or a whole cucumber. Or a piece of ginger root. Or a piece of orange zest. Or some sort of fruit. Or another vegetable. Or maybe a piece of chocolate covered cherries. Or an apple. Or a pear. Or a strawberry. Or a pumpkin. Or two pumpkins. Or three. Or four. Or five. Maybe six. But the point is, you get the picture. Now, when you think of a strawberry straw, you probably think of a straw made of strawberries, but you shouldn't be surprised if you see a few other shapes. For example, you may want to try using a banana leaf, although the leaves are not really ripe. Or perhaps you might like to see a banana leaf with a strawberry inside. You'll have plenty of options. It's up to you. When you use your strawberry straws, keep in mind that they're meant for dessert, not cooking purposes. And that they're not necessarily meant for dessert. Some people find them more suited to sandwiches or cereal. Others would much rather just enjoy them in pudding. Either way, they are perfect for eating with your favourite dessert.

Healthy Desserts

Now, when I first heard that there was going to be a health chapter on healthy desserts, I didn't believe it. I mean, you eat loads of sugar and it's not really a good thing to eat, is it? Yet we still find ourselves piling on our plates. We must learn to live without sugar somehow. And that means eating healthy food without sugar. We also need to realize that unhealthy food does indeed exist. There are many different types of unhealthy food, although they all belong under the same category called "healthy." One of the most common kinds are those which are cooked up and eaten raw. Those are the ones that I don't recommend eating for a variety of reasons. Like, one, you' re likely to get fat, and second, most of those recipes have some questionable or downright unhealthy ingredients. I used to watch a lot of cooking shows on TV where there were always recipes like "How to Cook a Healthy Meal," which was basically made up of recipes for vegetables, fruits, and meats. People always ask how you cook them, so let me tell you: it doesn't matter. Cooking shows are not meant to help people improve their diet or look good on tv. They're meant to make us better cooks. So please understand why, if a recipe includes meat, you need to turn away the episode immediately. The recipe will only make you fat anyway, so why bother?

Deep-Fried Fried French Fries

French fries are one of the most delicious foods on the planet. I love fried foods because they're so simple to make and so nutritious too. If you think that frying some fish over low heat causes bad cholesterol problems, then think again because a deep fried fry has less cholesterol than any type of cooked fish. Don't worry. The FDA approved their use a few years ago, so hopefully you' ll have to take their word for it. As for their flavor, I' m sure that if you take a small bite of one, you will definitely agree. Fried french fries are simply the most delicious, tasty treat you will ever find in your life, even more so when you add a small amount of honey to top it off. They' re perfect for dipping into ice cream, or for dipping into chocolate sauce. I like the idea that the fry might be best served hot and messy.

Tasty Chocolate Chip Cookies

Chocolate chip cookies are just the kind of food that you should never eat. They make you feel like a kid and then suddenly, poof, you're turning into a chubby teenager who eats chocolate chips by the handful. That' s what they do to kids these days! Unfortunately, there hasn' t been anything that can change the fact that chocolate chips are addictive. Every time I walk through the store I'm reminded of this by a chocolate chip cookie. Chocolate chips, chocolate, chocolate. Sometimes I wonder why people consume them at all and sometimes I wonder why I do either. Anyway, chocolate chips are not good. And no matter how big they may be they are absolutely disgusting. When I'm having a chocolate chip crisis and I come across a chocolate bar, my heart races and my blood pressure jumps. I think the first thing I'll do is grab a chocolate bar from the case and start stuffing it full. By now I' ve finished about half of it, so I take a couple nibbles off the bottom before putting all the rest in my mouth. That' s how I've been keeping myself thin, and how I've stayed relatively healthy this whole year. You may think I am being a little ridiculous, but trust me, I know chocolate chips have very powerful benefits.

How To Make Chocolate Chips

This recipe will teach you how to make chocolate chips for when you're going through a chocolate chip crisis.

1. Take some unsweetened chocolate chips and crush them.

2. Melt a pot of water and drop in the chocolate chip mixture. Once it is completely melted, add some vanilla extract. Bring the liquid to a boil and stir continuously until the mixture is thickened.

3. Remove the heat source and allow it to cool. This will help the mixture set.

4. Allow it to cool completely and remove the chocolate from the fridge. This makes it easier to cut up.

5. Use a large knife to slice all of the chocolate into small pieces. Do not scrape them off the sides of the bowl.

6. Spread each piece on a baking sheet or paper towels and cover with plastic wrap or foil to prevent getting dirty. Let them sit for 5 minutes in front of the television to soften.

7. Place them directly in the microwave to warm for a minute or two. Turn the dial up and wait until they are soft enough to peel off the wrapper.

8. Place on a bed of sliced banana slices. This will help you feel like a true child.

9. Add some whipped cream or whipped cream and fresh strawberries dipped in chocolate chips.

10. Put a plate in front of you, so you will have room for dessert afterwards.

11. If you are feeling hungry and are in a rush, put some frozen peaches on the tray alongside. These will provide plenty of dessert later.

12. If you want dessert tonight, put some leftover vanilla ice cream next to the peaches. This will help you relax and make it easier to sleep.

13. If you're having a nightmare, try stirring some of the chocolate chips while you toss in some vanilla ice cream before you go to sleep. Then, when you wake up in the morning, you'll be prepared for anything.

14. Serve with brownies and cupcakes for breakfast.

Pistachio Pies

I know you like peanut butter. And I don't blame you. I do too, but there are so many ways to create peanut butter. You could buy a can of peaches instead. Or you could use canned peaches. Or canned coconut. Or dried apricots. Or bananas. Or grapes. Ooh! Or apples! Or applesauce! Ooh! Ooh! Or... Well, you get the point. What you need is something easy, something you can easily make by yourself and that doesn't have a high fat percentage. Because of its simplicity, pomegranate seeds work especially well in pomegranate pie. They can give you the texture of a peach. They can add an unexpected sweetness. And, of course, they don't have to taste bad. You could add some ground almonds or pistachios. Or chopped nuts. And serve in a great big pistachio pie. Of course, this is just an idea. Just to make a suggestion, you could do this: 1. Peel the fruit, then cut it into small pieces. 2. Heat the oil for several minutes. 3. Fry the apple slices in this oil. 4. Drain on paper towels and serve with pistachios sprinkled generously around. You can add a sprinkle of black pepper as well if you like!

Baked Vanilla Ice Cream

Vanilla ice cream is one of the most enjoyable and refreshing things on the face of earth. It's so smooth and creamy. There is nothing better. But when making ice cream you have to pay special attention to the quality of the ice. First of all, the ice cream must be freezing cold. That's not a problem, right? Wrong. Frozen ice cream contains more salt and more sugar than normal ice cream; therefore it tastes slightly salty. Now, if you've got a kitchen sink, it is possible to melt some regular ice in there. Then place the ice cube on the countertop and pour the melted ice onto it. It should be perfectly smooth, no traces of lumps or crystals. In that case, add a spoonful of vanilla and slowly drip the ice cream down the sink. After the ice cream is thoroughly chilled, spread it on the surface of the ice cream, leaving it untouched for a few minutes to allow the mixture to set. You might want to freeze some vanilla beans before using this method, so that they don't lose their flavour. However, don't worry. The ice cream will still remain nice, although it wouldn't exactly be called "flavoured" vanilla ice cream. If you use pure vanilla bean ice cream you would end up with more chocolate flavour rather than more sweet flavour. If your blender isn't working, then I suggest you make this step on your own:

1. Combine 1 cup of ice cubes in your blender. Turn the handle all the way up and add a cup of ice cubes in rapid, measured drips. Blend for 1 minute, stopping as soon as you hear the hum of the blender stop vibrating. Stop when the ice cream is completely blended.

2. Pour out the ice cream and freeze for another 1 hour or so. At the end, if the ice cream is very dense you can pour it into individual glasses and add a scoop of vanilla to it and serve it with whipped cream.

Dominoes Pizza

The easiest way to make pizza was to just make a few slices of bread and pop them into the oven. But what a mistake that was. Pizza has so many ingredients, and it takes forever to cook those pizzas. Therefore, since I can't just use a bunch of bread to make this pizza dish, I decided to bake it. For starters, you need four to six different types of bread. Four different types of pizza requires about 10 separate slices. Since I have approximately 10 cups of dough left over, I figured I'd try baking four rounds of cheese pizzas. The pizzas were actually quite easy to make, but it was the filling that was a bit trickier. As I said earlier, there's no way to make the cheese gooier than that because that's impossible. The cheese needs to be firm and tough enough to stand up to the heat but not hard enough to break when you press on it.

Frightening Foodstuff

It is terrifying. It really is. Even though everyone knows that pizza is meant to look and sound appealing, you never know what's coming. So, please don't ever eat a pizza without knowing what's coming. It could be hot dogs or raw hamburger, or even pineapple upside down cake. Who knows! Pizza can be delicious or it can cause stomach acid issues, such as food poisoning, or both. However, the safest way to make pizza and the healthiest way to make pizza is to avoid all toppings, especially any that contain tomatoes. If you do decide that a topping isn't safe to eat, then make sure to tell your friends. And of course, always have a backup plan for these situations. (Or you could buy an edible version!) If there's one thing I hate in life, it's not only pizza toppings, but anything to do with pineapple upside down cake. I just don't know why people like pineapple upside down cake. Every time I see it in store, I just cringe. But at least people who love pineapple upside down cake also love pizza.

Desserts: Ice Cream, Cookies, Cake, or Tarts

Ice cream and cookies are a lot sweeter than tarts. When we say that we are going to make chocolate chip cookies, we mean that I'm going to make ice cream and make it a lot sweeter. Here is my simple recipe for chocolate chip cookie dough. (I don't make this very often. It requires extra energy.) Once you mix up all of the ingredients in a bowl, it will be a little more difficult to shape and decorate the cookies. If it helps you ease into the process better, I will leave the cookie dough as it is. Just add some water and let it rest for an hour or so. If you prefer you can add a little more ice cream if you need. This is important. When the ice cream is soft enough, you can roll the dough onto a rolling pin and start cutting it out of the bowl. It won't take long before you finish your first batch of cookies. Don't forget to turn the oven on low. A good way to make cookies faster than a mixer is to add the dough to a mixing bowl and then beat them. Once the dough is fully incorporated, you are ready for your second batch.

A Few Steps

If you are making a large number of cookies or cakes, then you'll want to cover everything with plastic wrap first. Make sure that your plastic wrap covers everything including the top of the oven, so that it stays nice and cold and keeps the cookie dough from burning the dough. When preparing cookie dough, you can preheat your oven, so that you can start cooking the dough within 15 minutes of getting it off the stovetop. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190° C) or 350 degrees F (180° C). Let the dough sit for 20 to 25 minutes at room temperature (not in direct sunlight); 15 minutes at room temperature (it's best if you use a timer). Once the dough is cool enough to handle, you can cut it into squares, rectangles, quarters or diamonds. Now for the icing. Use some nonstick spray, a small piece of cling film or parchment paper, a spoon or other medium sized container and a pastry brush. If you're making a large quantity of cookies or cakes, you may not have a lot of flour, so feel free to use less in your recipes if needed. But if you find that you have flour in your home, go ahead and use it because that kind of excess flour will save you a fortune later on when buying fresh produce. If you're going to use a whole lot of milk (at the least 1 cup per person) you should make a big, thick paste that is the consistency of thick jelly. This goes well on sandwiches. You can also use a mixture made by beating the yolk of a sunny yellow egg with a few drops of water. You can also mix in an equal amount of brown sugar, a pinch of cinnamon and a bit of nutmeg. Finally, you can stir in two tablespoons of granulated sugar while the dough is still warm. It will taste better if the dough is allowed to cool completely before icing, which means that you must refrigerate the dough for 30 seconds, then cover with a damp towel to keep it from sticking to the cloth. Once the dough is ready for icing, you can either roll it out onto a floured surface or lay it flat on your work surface. To prepare the icing, put the dough together using the spatula, sprinkling it lightly with flour every now and again. Once all the dough has been used and the pan has been sprinkled with flour, you will have created a layer of icing. The layer may extend as far away as 5 cm (3 inches) around the base of the pan. Leave the pan on the surface until all of the icing has been used. Once that coating of icing has cooled, you can fill in the piping bag, fold the dough in half and carefully seal it in the piping bag. Put the filled piping bag under your desk, open it gently and carefully lift out a teaspoonful of frosting. Carefully fold the icing over the top of the baked dessert. Then place the cake in the fridge and keep it refrigerated for at least 24 hours. Or just bring it back to its original temperature. The longer the cake remains in the fridge the softer the filling will become. This means that after the cake reaches room temperature it will begin to absorb a lot of moisture, hence the need to keep it at room temperature overnight before adding any more frosting. After 12 hours, you can remove the cake from the fridge and allow it to set up and then bake it for another 12 hours. After that, you can frost or bake it again for another 8 hours. Do not try to bake too much icing, because it will only hold out if given a lot of air. Also, the icing will melt quickly once it is placed in the freezer. You don't want to make it gooey like that and get stuck in the refrigerator, so make sure it doesn't come out. You can also bake it to gooey again and chill it. Once the icing is ready, you can decorate it as you choose, although you might want to use a knife with sharp edges so that it can be sliced easily. There are some special frosting recipes that are designed specifically for icing and other desserts. They usually require something to fill in the middle. In this case it would be chocolate chips, bananas, strawberries, or candies. It makes more sense to make a vanilla ice cream flavored frosting instead of adding fruit. That way, it gives the cake flavor that is a little lighter in color, and it doesn't clash too badly with the banana custard or apple pie filling. Now you are ready to make your cookies and cakes.

BK Stackers: Bun Burger Cheese Buns

Burger King has released a new burger with cheese buns. These bun shaped, chocolate coated burgers are the reason I love burritos and fries. The buns have a lot of calories and aren't overly sweet, so they make a great comfort food. Try experimenting with different types of cheese buns. Try the French or American cheeseburger, Canadian cheeseburgers or Mexican cheese buns. When you go to burger king, they will try to keep the cheese buns a secret. But don't worry; I can tell. It is pretty easy. All you have to do is walk into the shop. You see a sign on the wall saying "Don't Tell," but then a customer walks past and the sign reads "Do Not Disturb" so they can read whatever they want. This is why the cheese buns were invented. I think it' s pretty obvious that I'm talking about burgers here, so if anyone else is confused, you have to go look inside the restaurant to figure it out. When you go to the counter, ask about the cheese buns. The cashier will say "No comment." Well then, just ask, "What are those delicious things that are on the menu?" They will smile and say "You'll see!" Just be patient. Soon, someone will come up and tell you what the cheese buns look like, but just wait for a few days to make sure nothing changes. Oh, you wouldn' t believe how many times I have tried to make them and found them not working! So now whenever I order a hamburger sandwich, I check the burger buns out. What do you expect? The cheese buns are amazing. They are so fatty that you might turn into a fat, fat, fat blob. You will never find a burger on the street in front of our house without cheese buns. And yes, I know, the cheese buns are a lot of carbs, but when is there a time that the cheese buns aren' t carbs? As soon as you buy the cheese buns, just buy one. If you don't buy one, they won't last. One word about cheese buns: they are so tasty. One bite and you will be hooked on these treats for life. I eat a double portion of my buns everyday! I usually eat 3 or 4 bites, but sometimes I just eat a quarter of a bun. It's a very healthy thing to eat so please stop being such a glutton.

We All Love Burger King

As the title says, we all love burger king. But the delicious fast food chain has a very dark secret. When you're sitting across from a huge plate of greasy, cheesy goodness with a hot, sizzling grease monster hovering over each corner of your plate ready to take care of your needs, you probably don't realize that you are looking directly at a secret source of misery. Every day, when people get their meals delivered, they see this burger. They see this greasy, sticky mess that comes from burgers. And I guess this isn't even the worst part. The worst part is that the meat on these burgers is perfectly cooked, yet the cheese on the meat is just oozing out of it, dripping on the floor. And to think that these burgers contain tons and tons of fat. If you haven' t seen the fat, just wait till I give you the good news. These hamburgers contain nearly 70% fat. But let me be clear on this matter. If you do happen to see fat on the outside of these burger buns, don't be alarmed, it's not that bad...well, actually it is really bad—but in the good way. We all love burgers. And that is exactly why I am writing this note to you. I want you to have a burger that is juicy, crunchy, juicy and crunchy. Yes, that burger is you! Here is the deal: If you order a burger, you cannot leave it at the curb until the food arrives because no matter how hungry you may be, the traffic jam outside your door is a real killer—so take it home and eat it right there, on the couch in front of the television, or else eat it on your lap at dinner table (I like the old standby, the popcorn), but not outside. You have to stay close to the television and watch all of the great shows.

McDonalds On Television

McDonalds is a big company, but it is not a McDonald's. So if you ever see someone watching an advertisement for McDonalds on TV, don't get all worked up and run to the nearest window to shout, "Hey, man! Look over there. That's McDonald's! Are you kidding?!" And if the person looks at you like you've lost your mind, tell them, "There's a free lunch! Go ahead grab it!" Because, believe me, there is a lot more to the company than the packaging. If the ads that the company advertises seem to have come straight from the commercial makers themselves, then they most likely do exist. However, there is also much less of a direct product line and much less of a business model behind these commercials. For instance, most of the ads that are shown on the McDonald's television are for the new sandwich called the "McRibs" or the "Soufflé Sausages". These products are very high calorie, low cost, low fat, low sugar and highly addictive! I have had enough McDonald's commercials for a lifetime!

Macaroni Nuggets and Oatmeal Balls

A friend once told me that if the mac and cheese could be made of rice and oatmeal he could make pancakes. This made me want to try and make mac and cheese out of rice and oats. It wasn't very difficult, but unfortunately, the rice wasn't rice at all, rather, the whole package consisted of rice grains. Rice is the only substance that I am allergic to. The idea was still worth the attempt. I decided to mix the rice with oats to create the perfect mixture that would taste just as good as the original. I mixed both the cereal and the rice together with the mac and cheese until the mac and cheese looked just like the real stuff, but with a little extra starch. Then I put it in a microwave oven and heated it up just like in the movie, and voilà! The recipe came true, and it tasted absolutely delicious, like nothing I had ever made before. But I had to admit that I didn't enjoy the whole experience that well. The macaroni and noodles gave me terrible stomach cramps.

The Food Network

If the movies are anything to go by, then I suspect that the movies are also based on real food. When you eat a hamburger or burger bun, the cheese has been melted so that the bun is basically full of melted cheese, which is a delicious feeling. But it is the texture and taste that truly gets to you and makes your mouth water! But, as a matter of fact, this food is all false advertising! The food companies make the burgers taste better on the screen, while the food that actually tastes good on the plate has a completely different taste. I have watched some very bad movies in my life (and in my dreams) and if you eat the food in the movies, then maybe you should rethink everything you have ever thought of eating in your life.

The Good Food Network

The good food network has been around since it started when Bob Dylan started his early hits "Eat 'Em Up" (1967). Now, the original food network started in 1969. This is where you find the food. Food that doesn't sell itself or the consumer should be destroyed immediately and thrown away. There is no way anybody would buy a box of stale popcorn with mold growing out of it if it didn't have mold on it. And who the heck wants mold? People who are afraid of mold have a hard time understanding that other people like cheese. Cheese is delicious and you should always use it. But what you want is what you get. If you are too cheap to buy something expensive like cheese, go ahead and eat the popcorn. Who cares if it's disgusting, it' s better than cardboard anyway. In this case, I mean, I' m pretty sure cardboard can survive a nuclear war if given a chance. (Just kidding.) The good food network is a network dedicated to the people. If they want pizza or pizza and cheese, they go to Pizza Hut and they pay fifty bucks. Or if you want chicken nuggets, the best place to get them is Burger King.

It's Not That We Can't Eat Healthy Food

I know that you think I'm crazy to talk about eating healthily, but I promise I am not. I just wanted you all to understand what I mean. Remember when I said that we all like hamburgers and fries? Well, if you want to make yourself more healthy, remember that a lot of people like hamburger and fries, but don't eat them. If they do, then don't get angry or upset with them. The reason is that you'll only get sicker and sicker. Even though a lot of us get tired of hamburgers, that doesn't mean they are not tasty. A burger doesn't need to be greasy; it doesn't have to have grease in its guts; and you can just make them look normal when you add some cream or butter. Plus, a burger doesn't have to be big either. Just be sure that you get a good size bun and make sure they don't smell funny. If the bun smells funny, then toss it and get another bun and keep trying to make them look as good as possible. And if you like burgers, then go ahead and buy some.

The Healthiness Journey

Let's begin our journey to healthiness by starting off at McDonalds. As I mentioned earlier, this burger chain serves almost half the American population! And not to brag, but they serve more processed foods than any McDonald's restaurant in America! That means if you order from them, it' ll be safe. If the price of your meal is two dollars for a large plate of fried chicken, it means your meal won't get cold. If you order it from a deli counter, then it means you will be eating real food instead of fast food. And if you decide to order it from a drive thru window or from one of those big glass windows that sit beside every McDonald's entrance, then it means that you will be consuming real food in real time instead of fast food. It seems like it might sound a bit crazy, but in reality, most people would eat a burger from McDonald's just for the fun of it. In any case, our journey continues as we arrive at my local Grease Goblin resaraunt. Let the adventure begin. When you walk into Grease Goblin, you enter a world of color, flavor and aroma. At each corner stands a giant red light that reflects off the walls and reflects back on you. Everything from the red paint job to the neon lights inside of the building reminds you that Grease Goblin lives up to its name; it lives for the red light. This isn't a drive thru; it's Grease Goblin—Grease Goblin, Grease Goblin, Grease Goblin. Once inside Grease Goblin, you realize that it doesn't stop at one of these greasepaints or whatever it is called. Instead, you are surrounded by hundreds of tiny red booths lined all along the walls, which are covered with bright orange vinyl. Red booths line the wall in the middle of the room, leaving little space between each booth. Each booth is filled with the same type of thing: red plastic cups, green plastic plates, blue plastic utensils, purple plastic cups and white plastic bowls. The food choices here range from the cheapest and the best to the most expensive—but that is the point; it' s all relative.

Cheap Food Puts Me In A Bad Mood

For years I've been wondering how many cheeseburgers could fit on an average day's menu without getting stuck underneath it. But now, I finally know. They must have gotten it wrong when they first created the list of ingredients that I requested when the recipe asked me to order the cheeseburger. I really don't care what the ingredient lists say because nobody else seems to care about the ingredients list either, except the person who makes the cheeseburger. The only question to ask yourself as you eat these cheesy cheeses is what kind of cheese you're going to try next week. And whether or not you will get sick afterwards because you ate this cheese or because you swallowed it down too quickly. If you don't care either way, that's ok. If you do care, take this advice. Buy three cheeseburgers and eat one each night for a month or so before you start having any more cheese for breakfast. After that, eat only one at a time. If your health is not improving, you can continue to eat more of the cheeseburgers, but don' t forget to save them. You can't let the calories build up until you explode. You don't want to ruin your health before you even reach forty. Of course, if your health status is very low, you may be able to save the three cheeseburgers for your lunchtime snack. And when you are hungry, it does help to have a little more of the cheeseburgers with dinner.

I'm Running Out Of Ideas

When I say I'm running out of ideas, I mean that I can't think of enough recipes to make enough cheeseburgers to satisfy me. And there really is no such thing as too much cheese. There are a lot of recipes out there for cheese fries, but I already knew all of them, and besides, the real test for cheese fry cooking is not the amount of cheese in the dough or the frying pan or even the size of your frying pan. No, the test for cheesecake making is how many cheesecakes you can put in one serving. Cheese cakes are made with a mixture of cheese in the mix. If you put too much cheese in your cake, it will get tough and lumpy, and then the cake will fall apart. And when cake falls apart, it's not fun to clean up. I have eaten lots of cheesecakes during my lifetime that were falling apart in one bite, and I've never cleaned up after myself. You see, once you have tasted a piece of bread, you don't eat it anymore unless there is sauce on it. It was that simple, and you could easily tell someone about it. Cheese, of course, goes with almost everything, so I tried cheese in most of my baking dishes. And it was a lot easier for me to cut the cheese on the cake.

Meatcake

Meatcake is a variation of cheesecake, but as the name suggests, it is really a meat cake. Meatcakes come in different kinds, but most meat cake recipes call for a single egg. Because of the fact that you don't necessarily have to crack an egg into your cheesecake, it takes longer to cook, so it also has some extra benefits. Meatcakes tend to be lighter than ordinary cheese. You can get some at Arby's and some at Safeway. Both kinds have similar tastes, but sometimes they taste good and sometimes they don't.

Cheesy King Whopper

Yeah, I know. That sounds pretty funny doesn't it? How could anybody love cheesy king whoppers that taste like wet cement? You can see it for yourself if you go out into the restaurant. People love eating those kinds of cheesy burgers, so I guess that means they REALLY LOVE DINING IN CHOWDER DUMPSTER ROOMS AT NIGHT! Hahaha! I am going to have some serious fun with the cheesy king whoppers of America! Cheesy king whoppers with ketchup! Oh wait! No, the ketchup is gone. Maybe we can still get ketchup instead? That's okay. I just need some ketchup. A LOT of ketchup. Oh wait! I've run out. Guess I'll just have to drink milk from now on. Oh yeah!

Pizza Pie

Yeah, yeah. Pizza pie is the greatest food ever. Everyone likes pizza. Except me. I am definitely against pizza. For the simple reason that it's so greasy and oily and contains such a lot of fat. I mean, come on! How does anyone like pizza? I bet most pizza lovers wouldn't even like their own pizza if someone was trying to poison them, you know? Yeah! I'm saying it in the nicest possible way. Well, maybe I wouldn't say it in a nicer way if someone tried to poison me. But anyways, pizza isn't the best thing for breakfast and dinner. I guess it depends on what you're eating for breakfast and dinner today. Pancakes, omelets, scrambled eggs, and French toast for breakfast are always fine. Sometimes I like them with bacon. Bacon is delicious. Bacon is awesome. Bacon is great. Pancakes are totally not. Pancakes are also disgusting. Bacon is also really messy. Pancakes don't look good even when they're clean. Pancakes look really gross with a little bit of cream cheese and some ham. Bacon looks really weird with butter. It's just plain weird. Pancake bread is the same way. Pancake bread can be used anywhere you want. Pancake bread is wonderful, but pancakes are a terrible idea. Pancakes are disgusting. I would rather watch soap operas in bed and eat popcorn than eat pancakes.

Yucky Milk

If there is one thing I hated more than other cereal, it was yucky milk. Yuck. I could barely stomach any. Whenever I saw something labeled "Yuck" I just rolled my eyes and threw up all over the kitchen floor. It was so gross. It was so bad. YUCK. Yuck it up. Yuck it all up!

Yuckity Yuck

This is the worst part of having yucky milk in the fridge. I hate having it there, it just smells. I mean, it smells like rotten fruit. It smells like the world's dirtiest banana. I can't imagine what it is like to consume an entire bottle of it and not throw up. I hope that I don't ever have to experience that.

Gingerbread

I'm not kidding. Ginger bread has got to be the most disgusting thing ever. The worst taste. You know why? Because the whole time you are eating it. When you bite into the bread and it enters your mouth and goes down your throat it tastes like dead animal. As a matter of fact, there's a big difference between a dead animal and a dead person. Dead people are supposed to be soft and squishy. This thing was dry and rough and hard. Harder than the pavement in the city park. And it wasn't very tasty, either. It was a dry piece of bread covered with soggy meat. Not exactly a tasty, sweet treat, you know? But I can't stand it when people talk about ginger in restaurants. Ginger is so weird!

The King Of Hotdogs

Have you ever heard of Burger King? Have you ever seen Burger King? I have. The burger place is huge and full of bright neon signs, and there are all these guys wearing those stupid green hats everywhere. I had been waiting forever for a cheeseburger. I ordered one and then sat down. I had a really long wait, though. It took hours. It must have taken days. And eventually, I decided that they needed to take their cheeseburgers somewhere else. I started yelling and telling them to take my burger away. But they just laughed at me. They said I couldn't eat it because it belonged to Burger King. Then Burger King came out of nowhere and pulled my burger out of my hands. They looked me straight in the face and told me that Burger King's burgers were better. They said Burger King's burgers were so good and nutritious that they were guaranteed to fill me back up faster than my own. They said Burger King's burgers were so amazing that you could even live happily on Burger King's burgers. Burger King's burgers are truly godly and magical. My burger was no longer tasty. Burger King is the ultimate burger king.

it Was Funnier When You Were Eating Soup

Do you remember when I ate soup? Oh man! What a fun time that was! I mean, you probably weren't even there when it happened. Probably you were watching Netflix or reading or whatever, which made it even funnier to eat soup. But anyway, once I finished my soup, I ate some macaroni and cheese to finish it off, and voila! Instant food coma! I didn't wake up until the next day. Then my stomach did flips and somersaults.

Gravy Goes Good On Tacos

You see, when gravy goes good on tacos it's like they aren't even tacos anymore. They're gravy. And gravy can make you sick. Gravy makes you really puke. Gravy is nasty. Gravy has so many bad, bad, bad qualities. Like, if you eat too much gravy, it may cause cancer. You know where cancer is now? Cancer! Gravy has cancer. So gravy shouldn't be eaten. I have never eaten gravy that was so disgusting and gross. Even though it might make me throw up, I have never touched gravy. I refuse to touch it ever again. It's so, so wrong.

Taco Sauce

Taco sauce? What? What kind of taco sauce? Are they using some kind of weird seasoning in this sauce? No. No, they are not. Taco sauce is just plain old salsa. Sure, the label says it's spicy sauce, but how spicy is spicy sauce? That depends on your definition of spicy. Personally, I would say very spicy indeed. Very, very spicy. There is nothing hotter than hot sauce.

Hot Sauce Is Awesome

Hot sauce is really cool and exciting and interesting. You know what it reminds me of? Hot peppers. HOT PEPPERS! I love hot peppers. I love hot peppers so much I would die to eat one right now! I mean, I already died once, but still! Hot peppers just give you a good buzz. That's all. Nothing scary about them.

The Problem With Taco Bells

There is a problem with Taco Bells. Yes, the problem is a big, fat issue. You will not believe how big the problem is! Bigger and bigger and BIGGER EVERY DAY! Bigger than all my problems combined! You will be so surprised that you'll have to stop the car. Seriously. There are so many problems with Taco Bells. So many, so many problems. Why is the Taco Bells here? WHY do they have this stupid, stupid sign out front? They can't just keep doing this! Every single one of the taco bell's customers hates this place! I don't. I absolutely adore Taco Bells. They are the perfect place to hang out while eating tacos.

A Big Fat Mess

I think everyone knows by now that I hate messes. Everything has a mess. Food, dishes, chairs, beds. Everything is in a mess. Everything in a mess is messy. So why should we go to Taco Bells? We don't have to eat here! All we have to do is buy food and leave. It doesn't take us twenty minutes to get to McDonald's. In fact, McDonald'S takes like two times as long because they have fast drive thrus and drive thru sandwiches and drive thru pizzas. We don't have that problem. We can just grab some food and go home. But I guess not everybody can afford to eat at Burger King, huh? 

Why Is That Person Sitting Across From Me

What the heck? How dare he sit in the seat in front of me? Do we even exist in the same dimension? Who does that? Who sits next to each other and sits in the same seat? I am sitting right behind that guy who sits next to me! He doesn't deserve to sit next to me. I mean, who sits behind you? Who has the courage to sit on the first row? Does he not understand that sitting in the first row means I have to sit in the second row? Did he not read the sign? Well, of course he didn't. He didn't care enough to read the sign.

I Need Some Water

Okay. Here comes the real kicker. Here's the best bit. I've come up with a new way to make myself sick and yet I'm still alive. It's called water purification. I have a bucket of water, and I put a little plastic bag filled with water around my head and down my neck. Then I wash myself in the water. This is what makes water purification so awesome. It is awesome and beautiful. It is awesome and powerful. It is awesome and amazing and wonderful and fantastic.

Here Comes Some Real Food

Here comes some real food! Okay, let's eat. Let's eat. Let's eat. Here comes some real food. Yeah. Wow. Here comes some real food. It looks like hamburgers. Hamburgers are delicious and delicious are nice and delicious. I think everyone likes hamburgers.

Canned Beans

Hey guys! I am glad you are all reading this because it's a special article! I thought you would enjoy some fresh, authentic beans with some crunchy bacon and some lettuce. And if the story ends with you laughing uncontrollably because of how good it tasted, then that would be great. Thank you so much for having a wonderful meal in this article. I love you all and hope you enjoyed it too. 

A Bad Trip To The Airport

Oh boy!

These Discounts Are Horrible

I have been seeing coupons all over the place that promise cheap discount coupons for something that is supposed to be free. But when you read the fine print, you realize there are coupons for something like a coupon for three dollars for something that is actually worth five dollars. I cannot figure out why everyone wants discounted coupons. I don't care if someone is selling something that isn't actually worth anything or if they're just trying to scam somebody. Cheap coupons don't do anyone any favors. They're just an excuse for people to use coupons that have expired to do something that's not actually useful at all. I know you are probably thinking, "I'm gonna need a refund on this, buddy." Sorry! Not today. I've got $5,000 in my pocket and there is no refund coming.

How To Avoid Eating A Double Whopper

We all know that it is hard to resist the temptation of the double whopper. Here is how you can avoid eating one.

1. Go for a Big Freeze: Buy two large cups of frozen yogurt and two large glasses of ice water.

2. Put a hot sauce ring on the tater tots: Place two tater tots on a small circle of melted hot sauce and pour the hot sauce onto it, covering it entirely.

3. Mix together the ice water, the yogurt, and the sauce: Put the whole package into a freezer bag and pack it tightly shut. Once it is sealed in the fridge and you have gotten used to the smell of the hot sauce, open the bag slowly. The top part will pop out easily and that will be the tip. (You also won't forget the top portion.) Eat. You won't be able to resist. You'll end up eating half a tater tot, leaving only one half tato tot untouched. Then you can have the other half tato tot.

4. Add whipped cream: Whisking the milk into the whipped cream brings more flavor to the taters.

5. Serve it on a stick: Spread the yolks onto the remaining tater tot. (It should be easy because the tater tot itself doesn't have a bone).

6. Add chocolate chips: Mix some chocolate chips into the yolk mixture and add them into the whipped cream.

7. Make your own caramel apples: Use a knife to cut four large circles of caramel apple filling from one large piece of frozen apple pie dough. Slice the slices into quarters and scoop the filling into your hot fudge sundae.

8. Add peanut butter to the hot fudge sundae: Melt the peanut butter in the microwave until it is soft, and then add the hot fudge and bananas.

9. Add sprinkles and chocolate sprinkles: Sprinkle the chocolate sprinkled ice cream over your hot fudge sundae. You can always sprinkle chocolate sprinkles over vanilla ice cream.

10. Enjoy: Take a bite out of one of those tater tot tarts. The sweet taste of sugar and chocolate makes it so much better!

11. Successfully avoid the double whopper: Avoid the double whopper by eating your lunch. Or if you feel like it, order one of those taters off the plate. You will have to eat it. Otherwise, it's just plain nasty.

Cherry Kool Soda

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow wow. What's wrong with the world? People like to drink Cherry Kool Soda without buying their own drinks. I mean, seriously, it is soooo boring. Why would anyone ever buy Cherry Kool Soda? Just look at the price tags. No one will buy Cherry Kool Soda. No one will even drink Cherry Kool Soda at the convenience store. They might sell them at the grocery store but, no, they wouldn't buy them themselves. Nope. No way. Nope. I'm going to have a soda right here before me. Right now! Can you believe this? It's almost as if no one knows what Cherry Kool Soda tastes like. There are literally thousands of different flavors of soda available at the store. Where did everyone learn about Cherry Kool Soda? I bet every soda is made by a corporation. They make millions of dollars just from selling Pepsi and Coca Cola.

The Stale Food Among Us

The stinking rotten fruit in our garbage cans. The garbage bins that are filled with old, moldy foods that we have thrown away. The piles of garbage. The stains on the walls. These things remind me that I am surrounded by garbage. I am surrounded by trash. The garbage is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I am surrounded by garbage. This garbage is everywhere. Everything around me is disgusting. There are flies buzzing around everything all the time. Their annoying buzz is making everything worse. The noise bothers me and causes me to feel like throwing up all over again. This is so stupid! This garbage is so stupid. 

The Burger Reckoning

I went to eat at Burger King again today, and here's what I saw. All of the seats were taken! They had already claimed them in advance before I even arrived! So I sat down right away and waited. It was like a game to see who will get a seat first! A man walked up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm looking for a booth. There are four booths, so one of them would work very nicely." The clerk looked at him like he had gone crazy. What is a booth for anyway? Do booths have anything special to offer or do booths just exist to serve you as fast as possible, while you wait for your burger to arrive? This man must be crazy. Then a woman walked up and said "Hello, how may I help you?" she sounded so polite. She smiled at him and she didn't seem to mind him standing there in the middle of the line. He smiled back at her like he liked her. But it turned out that this lady knew nothing of burgers. The only thing she wanted was a big slice of strawberry cheesecake. Unfortunately, my burger came first. My turn finally came, and, lo and behold, there is my burger! Perfect and ready to be gobbled up. I couldn't wait to dig in. Well, I tried. I really tried. I opened the wrapper and took a bite out of the hamburger, but instead of biting, I chewed and chewed and chewed. The burger just wasn't doing it for me. That burger tasted awful. It was like eating a piece of cardboard with a side of dry ketchup. It wasn't my favorite food in the world. I decided to toss the rest of it into the garbage bin. Then I ordered another burger, and that's when the chaos unfolded. A man ran up to the counter and yelled "The burger reckoning has begun!" A horde of people stormed into the restaurant holding up signs saying things like: "Get us the hamburgers!" and "What about dessert?" and, "Can we have our hamburgers in Styrofoam cups?" Oh my gosh, I was getting a headache just looking at these people. And then they started throwing all these food wrappers at each other like they were shooting guns or baseballs. They threw them so violently that they sent flying all kinds of stuff, including my food. My burger flew through the air and landed on the floor. Then another person tossed a paper bag at me. It smacked me in the face. I picked it up to see what was inside. It was filled with potato chips. "You are going to pay!" I heard someone yell. Another bag came zipping at my head, and I picked it up and smashed it against the wall behind me. Now, this guy was not happy with that. "I said that you are going to PAY," the man repeated. "Sorry, but that's the last time I'm paying," I told him angrily. I began to walk out of the restaraunt. "Wait! Wait!" somebody called after me. It was just too much. I felt like throwing up, and my hands were shaking and my eyes were watering. I could feel myself about to have a breakdown. When I stepped outside I could see everybody else still standing in the restaurant yelling, "GET THE BURRGER" and waving their hands all around the place shouting, "BURN IT TO DEATH!". Still, I walked away, dissapointed that my hamburger hadn't worked, frustrated because I had wasted all day waiting for this hamburger to come, and angry because my money was wasted. I hate hamburgers.

The Great Sandwich Disaster

Today you will experience a very strange and unexpected problem. It is one of those problems where I am pretty sure you will not want to be involved at all. If you happen to be involved in the sandwich disaster, I promise you that you are probably going to laugh in the next twenty years. But let's face it, sandwiches don't belong in the salad bar. There are many reasons why they don't belong in the salad bar. First, sandwiches don't have any lettuce. Second, lettuce is disgusting. Third, cucumbers are disgusting. And fourth, a sandwich is supposed to go on top of your pizza. Not to mention, the cheese isn't nice at all. If you try to put a sandwich on your pizza you will most likely be eaten up by a giant, juicy tomato and the crust will break into several little pieces. It is not good for your health at all. In fact, if you eat sandwiches it could cause you to have indigestion. And you know what happens to indigestion. If you have it, you get sick, which usually means that you get fat. And I don't think I could handle being fat. Fat is gross! So let me tell you a few facts about eating a sandwich that doesn't belong in the salad bar. You should eat them at home.

Sour Milk

There is a sour milk vending machine located at the grocery store. It looks like a giant watermelon with a hole in the top. Inside is a tube of Sour Milk with milk that comes from a cow. If you open the lid you will find the tube filled with a creamy white substance. You can also take a sip if you like it. It's pretty great. However, the price of Sour Milk is high. $5 per bottle is $2.99. That's not enough for some. It's a little bit expensive for me to buy some, but you can use the rest in place of a meal. You could also go ahead and try some Sour Milk at your local Dunkin' Donuts. You could also get one if you go to a store called Supermarket. That one will cost $9.50, though you could also get two bottles of the cheap stuff at a dollar a pop. Sour Milk is disgusting. It's a waste of money. It will ruin your digestion. I have read that Sour Milk contains all sorts of chemicals which will damage your body tissues. I hope you are taking all this information with a grain of salt because Sour Milk is a horrible, disgusting food. If you go to Dunkin' Donuts and order some of those sour milk drinks, they will be serving three straws. If they ask you to pay with cash you will have to take a bill out of your wallet. But don't worry, they don't care. They just give you your drink without asking for ID. They might even spit in your drink. But if you don't like that option, then there is another way to get rid of the foul taste that Sour Milk brings with it. It makes you nauseous when you take a drink, because the bitter taste in your mouth is the bad part. But, if you drink it in small sips and slowly chew on the straws, the bitterness will disappear very quickly. By the time you finish drinking all you need to be able to enjoy your meal is that tiny sip you just gave yourself and then a few more until you can finish the rest of the soda and fries. Then you can enjoy eating the rest of your meal. After you've finished your meal and cleaned up the mess you made, the Sour Milk will be the best snack ever!

Don't Ask For The Crusty Whopper (It Came from the Trash)

One week ago, Burger King began serving a new burger called the Crusty Whopper. However, this sandwich has a dark secret. Its name is really Crusty Whopper because there is no crust on the inside at all, nor does anyone bother telling you about it beforehand. The crust simply lies right along the edges of the sandwich with nothing at all sticking out. And then you take a bite out of the sandwich. That's exactly what happened to me today. I had been sitting here thinking about how much my burger really needed the crusty whopper. But before I even got a chance to swallow my first bite, there was that crumbly, rotten, sour milk mess that covered almost every inch of my burger. I swallowed it down but the taste didn't improve. I was starting to think my whole diet would end up just as bad. As I finished off my cheeseburger, and as I started licking my fingers clean, my hand brushed along something smooth, greasy, and sticky. That's when I realized that the entire burger was completely coated with the disgusting crumbs and residue that littered my cheeseburger. And that made me mad. What kind of disgusting burger was it? Who the heck made a nasty burger such as this? This is a bad omen indeed.

Pork Cheeseburger

When you buy pork chops you may remember reading somewhere about the famous recipe. This recipe was invented sometime in the 1920s by the famous American chef Louis K. Warren. Basically it consists of a mixture of shredded cabbage, onions and bacon. If you cut the meat of the pork into strips you will get a hamburger that is very close in appearance to a pork chop sandwich. This was first served near Kentucky during the reign of King George II. If I recall correctly, King George issued a famous proclamation that anyone found to be chewing on a pork chop would lose their head, but King George did not actually do that. Instead, he issued a law banning anyone from ever chewing on a pork chop again. This law lasted for five years until it was repealed. At the same time, the pork chop became popular among certain types of Americans, such as Italians, Spanish Americans, Africans, Asians, etc. Because the word "munching" is written with both Italian and Arabic letters, King George's original words must have meant: "eat or suffer death." This was reinforced when his successor William Henry Harrison ruled that anyone caught biting onto a piggy bank should be shot. He also stated that anybody caught chewing on a pork chop would also get executed if they ever spoke the same language as him, the governor, and President Jefferson Davis. Finally, he created the Declaration of Independence which states that we hold these truths to be self evident. So what happened to the pork chop sandwiches? Well, apparently some years later the laws against eating pork were changed so that if you tried to eat one you had to pay an additional penalty of losing your head. And that's really sad. Harrison's successor, named Benjamin Harrison II, tried to make a law that prevented people from buying pork chops and also banned other foods from being sold anywhere but at the supermarket. However, this law came back into effect when Benjamin Harrison was killed in 1876 due to complications with food poisoning caused by the deadly combination of salmonella bacteria, the deadly red pepper flakes in chicken broth, the deadly mushrooms, and the deadly strychnine. And so, after this new law became law, many people were willing to risk life and limb and buy a plate of pork chops that contained the terrible bacteria and the deadly red pepper flakes, just to enjoy a plate of tasty delicious meats. The people who ate these pork chops lived a happy life.

George Washington's Decrees

On the topic of food-related decrees, perhaps it will help if I tell you a story. On March 2rd 1789, George III issued a decree giving instructions regarding the food ration of British soldiers in North America. This document states: "If anyone shall eat a loaf of bread or a piece of cake, which hath been baked in a common oven, with vinegar and salt mixed together, or with a lump of salt, which hath been stewed in ale, beer or any other liquor, such person is condemned to die. And if he shall take bread, which hath been baked and seasoned with salt, or a slice of beefsteak, or a large dish of fish, or a turkey, or venison, or mutton, or poultry, then he shall be hanged immediately and shall receive no pardon; otherwise the same offence shall be punished. And this offence shall always follow wherever the soldier lives." He created these laws in response to an old law in the Articles of Confederation relating to food. It stated that "it is unlawful to commit an offence under colour of any pretence, or pretext whatever, without the consent and sanction of the Senate and People of the United States"; which was interpreted to mean that no Congress was allowed to pass laws requiring soldiers to consume "any foreign food" except such things as coffee, tobacco, sugar, starch, rice, and flour. Recall the 1st amendment of the Constitution, which states that "Any citizen found in possession of any article, utensil or thing used for the preparation of food, or employed therein for that purpose, shall be guilty of contempt of court." Therefore, Washington repealed this law and replaced with a new one that allowed citizens to "freely and lawfully use such articles and utensils" provided that they never ate or consumed anything else except food that came directly from the kitchen. It is said that Washington's second law made him the most popular President of our country.

How Did People Live Without Burger King

Back in the days of George Washington, Burger King did not exist. That all changed when James Madison announced the opening of a new food shop, saying "I know not of a dining shop that hath received so much attention in the course of its history, as this; nor can I imagine that a city or county can produce any thing comparable thereto, but that which it now bears the name of Burger King. Therefore and henceforth, this is to be its official appellation." Madison later wrote a letter stating that Burger King had been successful in attracting the business and patronage of merchants and bankers. Madison added that the store would serve "the public with refreshment and amusement." However, in late 1849, President James G. Blaine of the House of Representatives took advantage of the opportunity presented to him to create a new law stating that "Any and all persons found to have partaken in the consumption of the products or ingredients of Burger King are subject to conviction by the Circuit Court of the District of Columbia." The founder of Burger King saw this law as an attack on their buisness, and so they created a petition that read "To Whom It May Concern, That We, the Burger Kings of New York County, Do hereby complain that the law has been enacted prohibiting the sale of foods and confectioneries made from the Food Company Store at Burger King in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, to the public." In response, Blaine wrote a speech, saying "We do solemnly protest the action adopted by the Legislature of the State of New York in imposing upon us an impositions to make ourselves liable for the value of our goods purchased or prepared for sale by any Burger Cook or Burger King Company." This response led to Burger King being shut down by the City of Philadelphia, thus ending the creation of the franchise once and for all. So how is Burger King thriving today? According to the newspaper headline above the restaurant's door, "Burger King, Incorporated, Still Runs." There's no doubt about it, Burger King still runs. Now let me explain. There's a theory that when two molecules of water collide they cause the resulting reaction. When they're put together in a glass of beer, it turns into another beer. You see, the more molecules that collide with the atoms that comprise the two liquids in order to form the drink, the stronger the reaction becomes. The more of those molecules are brought together, the less water is able to escape and the more beer is formed. This is called "carbon bonding." Carbon bonds are formed when two atoms of oxygen become connected. But what happens between carbon bonds? Well, the carbon bond forms between the atoms. In other words the carbon bond forms when the carbon atoms are made to form a molecule. Now, when you add alcohol to beer or water, a similar process goes through. In the beer, when the carbon bond forms a molecule of alcohol the molecule gains energy from the light shining through the window. By doing this, however, it increases the temperature of the liquid and so causes the carbon bond to break down into a smaller amount of carbon dioxide, causing a faster reaction in the process. So basically in order for something to happen between the two atoms, there needs to be something going on between them. This is known as the Burger King Paradox.

Nugget Queen And Chocolate Chip Cookie Crumb Cake

What do these words mean? Well, that's easy. The word "nugget" refers to the size of a nugget, so when someone says nugget, that means a small bit of metal. In fact in American culture nuggets represent the largest pieces of metal on earth, as there are more than nine billion of them around the world alone. In the case of this cookie batter, it is also called "Chocolate Chip Cookie Crumb Cake". If you don't know what those two words actually mean, then here are a few things I will explain: 1) They're made of the exact same type of material as peanut butter. 2) There's a very big difference in the way you cut it up. First, the way you cut the cookies up is called "bread crumbs", because when you cut them up they resemble tiny little squares. This is especially true if you are using a knife with a blade that is curved like a spoon; this allows the crumb to sit straight and makes it easier to cut it up. Then you slice the bread crumb into a rectangle which looks like what you might call a doughnut. (You can think of these doughnuts as miniature cookie crumb cakes). Next, you roll out the dough as described in the following recipe. It is called "Biscuit Doughnut", for it consists of two different parts. The first part is called the bottom part of the doughnut, which includes a layer of white flour. A layer of yeast is dissolved in the top part of the doughnut. The second part of the doughnut consists of the doughnut itself, which contains lots of dry flour (that's where the yeast comes from), and baking powder or baking soda as well as eggs and sugar. Finally the whole thing is covered by a sheet of plastic. The plastic is then placed inside of the plastic bag that holds the entire cookie dough, and then sealed tight by sealing tape and a wax seal that is attached to a string. Then, before the plastic is placed back inside of the bag, the plastic must go through the oven while it cooks.

Egg Whites And Egg Yolks Do Not Belong In My Burger King

When it comes to making eggs and yolks, some people believe that egg whites contain more protein than yolks. As such, egg whites should come from white chickens and therefore are not allowed in Burger King. Why is that, you might ask? Well, I hate to get political again, but recently in 2022 President John Tyler declared that "The use and abuse of egg whites, whether boiled, powdered, stirred or beaten, according to the method of the manufacturer, or even ground into powder, is not permitted." This declaration is not a coincidence. Eggs, as we all know, were discovered by Vikings. When they were brought to America, it was discovered that the eggs contained more protein than the rest of the contents of a chicken. Thus it is safe to say, without any further ado, that egg whites are absolutely banned from Burger King.

Deadly Fries

In addition to banning egg whites, the government decided to ban other items that were deemed unhealthy and dangerous to life and human health. For example, in 2011, during the time of Barack Obama, a man named William Kebab who owns a burger bar at McDonalds died from eating a bad batch of fries. After Obama took office he issued a statement that read, "It's my job to take care of the health of the American people, and to protect them from unsafe food choices. In the interests of the American people, I urge everyone to refrain from eating any of the questionable foods currently offered at McDonalds. Please take steps to prevent the spread of harmful chemicals to your body by monitoring all foods consumed by your children at McDonald's."

It's True

Did you know that burgers are actually made of hamburger meat? Here are 15 interesting burger facts that you need to know.

1. Burger King makes over one hundred hamburgers a day. That's about twenty thousand hamburgers per day!

2. McDonald's employs six thousand employees and has almost one million workers.  

This makes a total of one million people working for McDonald's, making it the third biggest company in America.

3. Burger King is the fifth most profitable corporation in America, behind Coca Cola, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Subway, Walgreens and Burger King.

4. In 2013, a study conducted by researchers at the University of Michigan concluded that hamburgers were responsible for the obesity epidemic worldwide. More specifically, their high grease content led to more people gaining weight.

5. There are five hundred thousand McDonald's restaurants in the United States, including Burger King. One year ago there were 634 hamburger restaurants nationwide and now only 436 McDonald's restaurants exist.

6. The average age of Americans aged twenty to thirty years old is forty. That's almost as much time as the average person has worked at a factory job.

7. People with obesity rates of 50 percent to 60 percent have more trouble getting enough exercise than people with normal bodies.

8. In Brooklyn, you can find a burger king every three blocks. That's nearly eight blocks each!

9. At Burger King, we get our meals in huge bags. We don't get a bun. We have to walk three blocks to get our lunch.

10. At Burger King, a customer gets one of everything in the restaurant. All food served at Burger King costs $18,500.

11. At Burger King, the employee wearing the uniform has to pay an additional $35 for the employee standing next to her in line. Only employees with higher income levels or positions of responsibility get paid higher wages. The worker standing beside the employee is responsible for paying customers' orders.

12. McDonald's offers one meal for every 100 hamburgers. This is a lot of money.

13. McDonald's doesn't carry the logo, so its employees don't get the employee photo or the employee autograph of the mascot.

14. Research shows that Burger King is actually owned by the Pepsi company. Pepsi has just bought the rights to Burger King in order to increase production capacity, and they plan to run ads showing a fat man with a large stomach enjoying Burger King. This isn't a good idea, as it suggests that the fat man has already eaten too many burgers.

15. McDonald's serves only four thousand meals a week. That's less than the amount of business that Burger King takes home per serving. Also, the company pays no salary. In order to keep the company afloat, Burger King relies solely on the patronage of customers.

I hope that you enjoyed these interesting facts and learned something new. To show that hamburgers are just not worth eating in this country, look at how they eat them.

Bread And Buns Are Good

Why is there bread in my Burger King? Because bread is used in both breakfast and dinner. Bread can come wrapped in plastic, in a paper bag or in a sandwich, and it can come fried, cooked or baked. The name "bun" literally means "to fry", which may surprise you since "bun" is derived from the Greek bakryon, meaning to make a loaf. But why do you think that bread and biscuits would somehow turn people into vegetarians, as they do in other cultures? Because they are a mixture of wheat flour with water and fat, thus giving bread a delicious texture. In fact, there are three types of fat found in bread: butter and margarine. You'll soon discover that some of the greatest inventions in history originated in these two fats.

Nice Buns

I love buns.

Deep Fried Water With Cheese And Fries

I don't know why someone would put any effort into deep frying water. What they do is they take a cup of water and they pour it right into the deep fryer. What's the point? Just tell me, why are we doing this? We're serving plain water with cheese and fries in it! And the fries are soggy and gross. Yuck! Yuck it up! Yuck it all up! Yuck it up! Yuck it all up! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck it all up! Yuck it up! Yuck it all up! Yuck it up! Yuck it up! Yuck it all up! Yuck it up! Yuckity yuck! Yuckeroony! Yuckooyyoo! Yackayuckoony! Yackiooonny! Yackayooony! Yackayooony! Yackayoooool! Yackooooool! Yackayoooooooo! Yuckooneyyyy! Yackaaaaanneryyyy! Yackaaaaanneryyyy! Yackooooodeee! Yackooooodeee! Yackooooooodeee! Yackoooodeee! Yackoooooodeeeeyy! Yackaaaahooooooooony! Yackooooodeeeee! Yackoooooooooooooooooooooooooooyy!!

These are all very funny jokes, but please don't laugh! They have nothing to do with humor! If you want to eat water, don't eat it with fries!

Hot Dog Style

If you want to eat a hot dog, you have to buy a hot dog. But that's pretty self-explanatory. The hard part is eating the hot dog.

Here is how it is done:

1. You grab one side of the hot dog bag with one hand.

2. You lift the side with your other hand.

3. You pull the hot dog out of the bag.

4. You bite into it. (Just like you might bite into a soda can.)

5. Your teeth crunch down on the end of the hot dog, breaking it off.

6. You swallow the bite whole.

7. It stays down your gullet.

8. You rub the hot dog grease on another side. (This will give you a nice coating of fat.)

9. You wrap the entire hot dog in wax paper, tie a knot at either end, and place it on top of a plate.

10. You wrap several more hot dogs and put them in a pan.

11. Once the pan is warm enough, you add the melted cheese.

12. Then add the onions.

13. You stir the cheese sauce.

14. You dip the hot dogs again.

16. You flip the first two hot dogs.

17. When you flip the second one, you should feel something squishy inside. That's the fat.

18. Take the second piece of the hot dog and pop it into your mouth.

19. Chew loudly while chewing, hoping to make as many sounds as possible.

20. Eat the rest of the hot dog in one bite.

21. The hot dog should be crisp on the outside and fluffy inside, like when we buy hotdogs from restaurants.

22. You should spit what you swallowed out of your mouth onto a napkin and wipe your hands clean.

23. If you have the urge to use another fork, then you probably shouldn't try to feed yourself while sitting down. Use your fingers instead.

24. Put the hot dog back in the bag and place the bag underneath the table.

25. Place the hot dog somewhere where I won't accidentally step on it.

26. Wait for everyone else to finish eating before taking your own bite!

27. Once you've finished the last piece of your hot dog, throw away the paper towel that was around the bag.

28. Wash your hands thoroughly.

29. If you need to urinate, go outside.

30. Be sure to wash up quickly.

31. If you get sick afterwards, you must return to your seat immediately.

32. Do not eat your last bite. Do not drink any Coke.

33. Don't talk with your mouth full.

34. When you are ready to leave the restaurant, wait until all your friends are gone.

35. When your friend asks you where your car is parked, you should say the same place as you always park your car—next to the entrance door.

36. After eating your last bite, toss the bag into the trash.

37. Make sure to wash your face

38. If you feel faint, go home and lie down on a bed.

39. If anyone starts yelling or screaming, call 911 immediately!

40. If a fire appears or if your car becomes trapped inside a building, head straight outside.

41. Avoid walking through flames.

42. Don't let strangers touch you.

43. Do not open your windows during a heat wave.

44. Always stay hydrated and do not go running around naked.

45. Stay indoors when the temperature goes over 120 degrees Fahrenheit.

46. If your refrigerator breaks down and you can't get milk or eggs, then go grocery shopping.

47. Do not bring animals into your house or office.

48. Don't leave your car unlocked.

49. If the weather gets really hot in the afternoon, find a shady spot under an umbrella.

50. Wear light clothing.

51. If possible, wear shoes with elasticized bottoms.

52. Never drive without a helmet. It makes you dizzy.

53. Do not eat a hamburger.

54. If you want some popcorn, buy them at a 7/Eleven store and get some out of the microwave instead.

55. Watch out for dogs that smell food!

The Hotdog Factory At McDonalds

In August 2004, when President Donald Trump announced his intention to bring food safety to the public schools, there were a few people who had questions for him. For example, one lady asked:

Is it really safe to eat so much greasy hamburgers? Does McDonalds provide free gas for the hamburger machines? What about the fact that you have to pay to eat burgers here?

Donald Trump replied, "No, we do not sell free gas here."

Another lady asked, "Do you also sell chicken?" Donald replied, "Yes."

A third lady said: "How does that work? Why don't they keep the chickens in the kitchen?"

Donald looked directly at her and responded, "Because we don't let those bastards cook our beef!"

Donald didn't know that it was illegal to let chickens cook hamburgers.

A man asked, "Is McDonalds going to sell hotdogs?"

Donald said, "Of course, they sell hot dogs."

The man said, "They're going to keep the chicks in a pot, aren't they?"

Donald said, "Yes, they will."

The woman standing next to the man said, "But they will still be able to smell hamburgers!"

Donald smiled and replied, "We just have to put a lid on the pot so they cannot get their feet wet!"

The woman said, "How big is the pot?"

Donald said, "Well, since a pot of food costs twenty dollars a pound, it's quite large."

And that was the end of the address.

Is There A Difference Between Cheese And Yogurt?

As far as I'm concerned, there isn't much difference between the two. Both consist of white stuff. The problem is that the cheese has different flavors. So if you are trying to compare the taste of your favorite dairy product to that of one from a dairy farm, you should compare it to the cream cheese. Not the other way around! Yogurt tastes like yogurt. Cheese tastes like cheese. It's kind of funny actually. Cheese tastes like cheese because it's made from dairy. Cheese tastes like cheese because it's made from dairy. Cheese doesn't taste like anything at all, except maybe a little bit of butter. Which is completely useless.

The Power Of Chocolate Chip Cookie Batter With Almonds And Peanut Butter Mixed In

If you ever eat a chocolate chip cookie, you will probably want to throw it away. That's why people have created Chocolate Chip Cookie Batter With Almonds And Peanut Butter Mixed In. Chocolate Chip Cookie Batter With Almonds And Peanut Butter Mixed In is a delicious snack made with Chocolate Chip Cookie Batter With Almonds And Peanut Butter Mixed In. But before we get to that part, we have a question. How long can you eat a chocolate chip cookie? You can eat a chocolate chip cookie as long as you like. As long as the cookies are fresh, you may be able to eat one every single day. However, if the cookies are stale, you will eventually run out of them.

To figure out how many cookies you can eat every day, here's a math equation involving 1,000 square miles. This is pretty simple and you probably already understand this. However, there are several steps involved. First, we use pi = 9 – 1 + 2 - 9, and multiply by x. Then we divide by y, and add up the results using x = 2 - 1. And then we do the same thing with z2, which means you get 8 - 2 and so on until you get 10. We get ten by multiplying the result by pi, which means we get 1,024. Finally, we divide pi by 6 + 2 – 1 and so forth until we get 10. Now let's try this again. Let's say we have 9 squares in 100 square miles (a rectangle). Each square is 50 times smaller than the previous square, and each of them equals 1,024, which means we get 10 - 1 + 2 + 10 + 10 = 10,000 squares.

Let's take this problem a step further. Let' s say you have a cup of chocolate chips and a bunch of peanut butter. To eat the chocolate chip cookie, you can eat a piece. But to eat peanut butter, you need to spread the peanut butter over the cookie. And the only way to spread peanut butter over a cookie is with a spoon. Therefore, to eat the chocolate chip cookie, you need to have the peanut butter and almonds ready, or else you might gain a ton of weight and become obese.

Too Much Sugar Is Bad For You

People seem to eat way too much sugar. They can easily choke when they drink a glass of juice, but not even chocolate syrup could save them from getting diabetes. Too much sugar also causes stomachaches. And that is bad. For example, if a person consumes 7.5 pounds of coffee per day, they can develop heart disease within a month. So, in order to save your life, limit sugar consumption to less than half a pound per day.

What Is The Best Fast Food Restaraunt?

This is a question many have asked, and for the answer we need to go back to 1684. This is where we found the famous quote, "Do not judge a man by his diet, for his diet judges him." So I think that in order to answer the question, we must first consider the best fast food restaurant in the United States. Yes, I know, it seems a bit presumptuous to assume that McDonald's is the answer. But when faced with questions such as this, people tend to jump to their conclusions. So let me explain what I mean, because I will not be repeating this phrase for a third time. In 1798, James Montgomery wrote "The greatest of American restaurants is undoubtedly those where the most cheap, palatable, and substantial meats are served, and the dishes are commonly regarded as indifferently adapted to every form of grease, sauce, and mixture." These words were later quoted in a letter to Governor Thomas Wentworth Higginson written in 1833. And in 1840, Thomas Jefferson wrote, "There are no places of inferior quality and cheapness to be had, where a man may subsist without any regard to expense or cost, in perfect security against the effects of disease." This is not necessarily true of all fast food establishments. There are plenty of fine restaurants in the world that serve foods that you can afford to pay for. But I won't bore you with the details. The point is that these fast food restaurants are the epitome of American culture and food. Not all fast food restaurants have the best cuisine, and certainly not all fast food restaurants have the highest prices, but they all have something special. But which one is the best? Think back to 2002 when President Jimothy Ford announced the "Fantasy Island" location. It was called Fantasy Island. And while Fantasy Island is not the place of the highest price, it is the place where the best food is served in the entire country. This is why I think Burger King is one of the top fast food restaurants. Burger King has the finest food in the whole nation: the best burgers, the best fries, the best shakes, and the best chocolate chips and nut bars. And because its menu is composed entirely of the best food in America, you can almost always find the best food, whether it's chicken, fish tacos, shrimp cocktail, or macaroni & cheese. And that, my friends, is why General Mills has the best coffee and why Starbucks has the best cappuccinos. All the food at Burger King is made by the best cooks in the land. And that is why we should eat there whenever possible. But if you need more proof, consider the amount of praise it has received from people like Governor Thomas Howard, who wrote "Burger King is the pinnacle of American excellence. No place in the world offers such an abundance of food and drink, so that it is difficult to get enough of them. The atmosphere and service throughout is faultless." But there may still be people out there who think that McDonalds is the best restaurant. Indeed, President Howard once mentioned to the Daily News editor, Robert E. Lee "that if I were to sit down and enjoy myself at a McDonalds I should order only the best." So who is right? Which restaurant should you choose? And please remember this: You have the power to decide your own destiny. You can choose whether you want your burger, fries, and shakes to be made from good ingredients and well cooked, or get it from McDonalds. Burger King is the best burger maker around. There is no doubt about it. And if you don't agree, you can go eat somewhere else. Thank you. 

Soup

I'm sure you are familiar with the term "soup." Soup is liquid, soup is liquid, and soup is liquid. If you are curious why soup is liquid, here is what I would tell you. Soup comes in different shapes. Some soup contains meat, some contain bones, some contain milk, and some contain eggs. The shape doesn't matter, though, because the food in this soup is basically the same. And that is where everything begins. The soup comes into this world in three parts. At the bottom of the bowl sits our broth, and in the middle is another broth known as the stock. And while the flavor of these two types of liquids does not change, the color and texture of the liquid never changes. Thus the name soup, because it can be made in any shape. What most people don't realize is that the main ingredient used to make this soup isn't broth but water. In fact, it is actually fat. Because there is so much fat in the broth, there aren't actually many bones in it; therefore, there is very little taste. If you don't mind eating a hot dog made from a pool of fat, then you can skip this chapter and enjoy a nice steaming bowl of homemade vegetable soup. But that is pointless. You cannot make a proper soup from nothing.

Food Fanatics Have Their Own Socks

As the title suggests, it is impossible to eat everything in the United States. After all, there's lots of food left over. So if you're ever hungry, it might be a good idea to wear socks with different colored stripes underneath. That way you'll always be wearing the same pair of socks in both seasons, which makes sense. If someone asks you if you own a pair of red socks, and you respond yes, you have an identical pair in your closet, that indicates that your socks really are red. But if you say yes to someone asking if you own a pair of purple socks, that person will definitely be talking about something other than your socks. So it is best to buy matching pairs of sock colors before you purchase socks or clothing. And when it comes to socks, you can also choose shades of blue, yellow, green, pink, purple, black, red, orange, and white. Or just pick a color. Now, you may be wondering how this relates to food. Well, as you can see, the same pattern is followed throughout the seasons. So it is clear that this color scheme doesn't make sense at all.

How Much Is Enough?

We all know that you are supposed to eat 5 or 6 servings of everything you eat each meal. But according to the USDA, you are allowed to eat between 50 grams and 500 grams of carbohydrates, and 200 grams and 600 grams of protein. When you add all those calories together, you get an amount that exceeds the number of servings you are allowed to eat in each meal. So the question becomes, "When do people need extra calories?" As soon as they eat too many sweets and too many fatty foods, like french fries, burgers, cheeseburgers, and potato chips. In other words, people need to eat more than they consume. So when you ask yourself this question, you are asking yourself, "How much should I eat?" If you have ever eaten an enormous hamburger, you know that it is a lot. But if you have ever consumed an 8oz hamburger, and that burger weighs around 30 kilograms, you probably feel pretty satisfied already. And it is important that you understand when it is appropriate to eat more than you consume, but still allow for the possibility that you will gain weight from eating too much. In the past century, it wasn' t uncommon to eat 3 to 5 extra meals each week, but now everyone eats up to ten extra dinners. Of course, this is mostly because of the recent obesity epidemic. We live in an age where excessive obesity leads to chronic diseases, so there was a time when healthy Americans could eat four extra times a day, or even seven times a day. And since then, things have changed. The problem with eating five extra meals per week is that the body starts to burn the fat and calories stored away. For instance, if you eat too many pancakes and eggs, you have a tendency to build up some of your body fat (and especially your pancreas) in the process. If this happens, then you can get very big and heavy very easily. So although we are eating a lot more now, if we eat too much during the summer and fall, it means we've lost too much muscle mass, meaning we won't be able to maintain our weight easily throughout the winter. And the reason for this phenomenon is called "fat metabolism," or FATTER FATTER. If you read a book on food science, and you find this word, "fatty metabolism," you will immediately recognize that there are two kinds of fats—fats with high levels of insulin, which cause us to lose weight very quickly, and fats that contain protein. Fats with low levels of insulin cause us to gain some weight within days after consuming them. Fats that have high levels of fat tend to lose some of their weight more slowly. A diet rich in protein can help us maintain our weight. But it cannot sustain the size and weight loss at the same time without some sort of fat. However, as we've discussed before, the ideal ratio of fats is 0.5 to 1, and there shouldn't be a huge difference of 0.50 or less between the fat percentage in our diets and that of the protein percentage in our diet. Therefore, if we want to lose weight and keep it off, we have to eat enough protein.

Owner Of Fast Food Chain Files Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

Remember when you first walked across the street to McDonald's? Well, they are now filing for bankruptcy. Because their fast food restaurant chain is bankrupting every burger joint in America. So the question is, "What is the purpose of eating fast food?" And let me tell you, the answer is quite simple. It is for the people, not the corporations. Because people spend far too much money buying food to waste it all on fast food. People are going to die of starvation, simply because their wallets can't bear to put a dent in their bank accounts anymore. Therefore, you cannot afford fast food. So what are you going to do? The answer is, you are going to try to save what you can. And that is exactly what fast food is doing for everybody. You are saving yourselves from dying of hunger. If you're a fast food enthusiast, then you'll know that there's nothing wrong with eating fast food, and neither is there anything wrong with getting involved in saving the environment. But if you are a vegetarian or someone who believes that vegetables are good for you, you might have to rethink things slightly. If you believe that you cannot eat carrots anymore, you probably shouldn't take up a position in the campaign against fast food. One of my favorite restaurants is La Jolla Taco Place, located just outside of downtown Los Angeles. The tacos here come loaded with sauce and fat. They are great, right down to the crunchy part of the cheese. But you can't eat them. And you certainly can't eat fast food.

Fruits And Vegetables

Strawberries? Yuck! Yuck it up! Yuck it all up! Yuckity! Yuckeroony! Yuck! Yucky yuckyy! Yackyuckadoodle! Yackityy! Yuckity! Yukityyy! Yukkity! Yuckereeno! Yooorkeroo! Yooooroonnnnooooyyyy! Yeeew! Yow! Yurrrr! Uglyyy! Uglyyyyyy! Yuck it up! Yuckitup! Yuckitituppit! That's the first line from a popular song by Nirvana: "The first strawberries were red/They weren't ripe /I'm gonna eat one today/Yuck!" This song is so funny because in the lyrics, all these berries look the same: red, juicy, and rotten. But that's not all. There's another line in the middle that you really shouldn't ignore: "The burger is full/The fries go straight to my head/You're gonna need new glasses/If you keep eating strawberries you'll turn into a freak!" Okay, well, you've got a point. Strawberry juice does sound pretty bad to drink and you do need fresh strawberries once in a while. But don't eat them unless they are absolutely essential! Otherwise, you will get cancer and possibly die. And even though I hate to break it to you, people are going to die regardless. There aren't any guarantees.

Burger King Just Made A New Song And Its Fire

As the title suggests, Burger King just released a new single on Spotify and it goes harder than the burnt fry that I got at McDonalds yesterday. It's called "Hotdog" which means hotdogs or grilled meat sandwiches in Spanish. I'm guessing it is the perfect name for a music video with such catchy lyrics. Let's give it a listen. Here it goes:

"Here came Hotdog, walking through the door,"

"He's coming out of nowhere and his mouth smells so good,"

"It smells so sweet and hot that he tastes delicious."

"He looks like a Hot Dog and talks like one too."

"He makes his burgers taste so good."

Wow! That song is so hard to understand. But you should understand why this song has gotten its name. It is the song of a guy named Hotdog. He works in the kitchen at a fast food burger place. And while he is working there, he says the best thing he ever saw was a hot dog cooked on a griddle. Well, that' s kind of true. Hot dogs are indeed made of very high fat content and they usually weigh in excess of 100 grams. But that' s also the reason why they are often referred to as steaks or ribs because they are so tender and tasty.

The Truth Of The Matter

While Burger King has been going Whopper this and Whopper that, I have found some secrets withheld from the consumers. Here is what I found:

1. Burger King's customers aren't the only ones who are paying attention to their food intake. Every time someone walks in, they're looking over and wondering, "Who's the dude in front of Burger King?" That's what I call customer behavior. Customer behavior doesn't mean anything if the person in front of you hasn't eaten breakfast. If they have slept in until three o'clock in the afternoon yesterday, then you probably haven't seen them eat breakfast either. You think of that dude sitting at Burger King in front of the giant menu board with his greasy cheeseburgers. You think about him taking a bite and saying, "Gosh, this burger tastes great," but then you don't hear that dude saying the words, "This burger tastes amazing," or that dude telling the server, "Can we order some fries?" 

2. While you may think that you are eating too much french fries and burger buns, think again. It doesn't matter how much you buy, you still won't get anywhere near the amount of calories required to sustain a weight loss of at least 50% of that. If you ate the exact amount of calories required for a 25kg person, your total weight would already be down from 150 lbs by the time you finish the last quarter of your meal.

3. As soon as you stop spending so much money on fast food, you start to notice that the price of everything seems to be going up. Take the price of coffee, for example. Last year it cost an average of ten cents per cup, now it costs forty cents. It's ridiculous! It's like the government is trying to force people to pay more for things they don't need.

4. Never underestimate the power of advertising. We see ads in newspapers, magazines, billboards, TV shows, and movies, and even radio ads, constantly telling us about the benefits of eating something, which in actuality isn't as good as we originally thought. The most common ad we see nowadays is the one that tells you to take care of yourself by drinking milk. Now I am not suggesting you follow that particular advice, because that particular ad sounds really lame, but why else would people be drinking dairy products if they had no desire to consume them?

5. We all remember those days back when people wanted to eat hamburger, fries and pizza. Why do you think we stopped doing that? It wasn't that the commercials said not to do it. No, what we learned was that hamburgers were better for your health than pizzas were. But you could eat a pizza without a burger, but you couldn't eat a hamburger. That is, you could eat a hamburger, but you couldn't eat a pizza either. And that explains everything.

6. It's a good idea to use real ingredients instead of processed foods whenever possible. Not everyone likes processed foods, including you. But it's important not to be picky. When you buy real food, it is always worth the risk because it's healthy, nutritious, and tasty. And if you want to live life on a different planet than the one you live in, you'd better make sure you don't let unhealthy junk go to waste.

7. When it comes to fast food, the main reason behind our obesity is the fact that food is cheap. So what I say is, you have got to choose between paying extra for your meals, and paying half of what you actually deserve to get the most out of your food budget. Either way, the problem will be solved; because, after all, it's cheaper to cook or bake than to go grocery shopping. That's the truth of the matter!

What Is A Foot Burger And Why Is It A Moroccan Delicacy?

So here is why I think a foot burger might be a Moroccan delicacy. A foot burger is basically like a French patty with cheese and onions. But instead of having the patty cut into small cubes like you'd normally find in a French patty (because in France the patty is cut diagonally rather than horizontally) a foot burger comes in a bun size package. It is made of condensed foot grain, which is a type of wheat that is made out of feet. The reason why it is called a "foot sandwich," or a Moroccan hamburger, is because this type of American sandwich is made up of a foot and a half pound of ground meat, a quarter of a pound of grated cheese, a teaspoonful of salt, and a tablespoon of mustard. But why is this strange creation a Moroccan delicacy? Well, we will need to consult an old quote from the French writer Jacques le Bel. It says "the foot byrger, which makes the foot sandwich, resembles the bread of the Moors." The French word for foot sandwich is moutarde, which means "bread." Then again maybe this recipe was invented by the Moroccan baker who had heard of Americans making the french fried hamburger and decided to try one himself. After all, it seems that most Americans wouldn't consider French fries to be a food.

This story was suggested by Todd Meatwriter. Thank you!

Why Did My Wife Leave Me For Pizza?

In 2006 I visited my brother Jack in Chicago, Illinois where he is a manager of a pizza parlor called Pizza Hut in the building next door to his office. One day, Jack invited me to join him for lunch. At first I declined, because I didn't want to appear to be rude. However, it wasn't long before Jack mentioned that I had recently won $2,200 for playing the role of the Pizza Guy in his new television series, which was playing in the theater opposite his office. I guess the idea appealed to me so much that I gave in. It didn't take me long to figure out what was going on. When we sat down for lunch, Jack told me that the main attraction of the pizza show was the fact that my wife had left me. That was pretty sad.

This story was also suggested by Todd Meatwriter.

Tacos? More Like Custody

When I ordered tacos the other day, I suddenly realized that Taco Bell had taken custody of my kids. They weren't eating my tacos! I thought the whole situation was funny. I couldn't help myself and I burst out laughing. I remember saying to the waitress, "Oh come on! Taco Bell can't really take my children!" She said, "No sir, we don't care what you call the place, your money is ours." But then I realized that I don't even have any kids. Then she looked confused and said, "Oh, we're not talking about your money here. If someone wants a taco, he pays for it." Oh yeah, my tacos are definitely not mine anymore. I tried to keep a straight face during our meal, but it was difficult. At some point when Jack asked me how many children I had had and where I lived, I just left.

Suggested by Todd Meatwriter.

Is Hamburglar Racist? (Yes He Is)

One morning I spotted a man named the Hamburglar robbing my local Burger King. What happened next was almost unbelievable. After my little trick, I got up the nerve to approach him and ask him if he wanted any change. "Just give me a dime," he replied. Then when I reached under the counter, he grabbed my arm and pulled me off balance. Before I could get away he threw me hard against the wall, punched me in the stomach and kicked me in the head. "I'll teach you a lesson," he growled. "If you ever bother me again I'll kill you." He walked out of Burger King. Then I began to worry about my wallet, since I only had a few dimes in it. Finally I figured I better go pay the bill, grab my things and walk out.

Suggested by Todd Meatwriter.

Ice Cream Shoes From Hasbro?

The first time I went shopping for a pair of Ice cream shoes it didn't turn out so well. I was walking past Hasbro, Michigan, one day to get the ice cream, and the store window caught my eye because they had these cute little sandals that were made out of ice cream cones. I stopped in and checked them out. I tried to put on the shoe, and the heel stuck! Then I thought of the way my mom would wear her shoes and thought I should try that too. I pulled the shoe off and started trying again, with the same results. Next I tried putting on the other shoe without using the heel, but again, the heel stuck. Eventually I just decided to leave them both on the shelf because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get my shoe out. Then one day I heard someone say to another person, "Didn't you hear? The guy who wore the Ice Cream Shoes didn't know he had them on wrong." Then I began to realize that while this may seem strange, if your toe gets stuck with ice cream then you'd probably end up with a frozen toe. That's why people in Germany wear these high heels.

Suggested by Todd Meatwriter.

Is Mario Made Of Pasta?

It must be said, though, that the most important thing about pasta is its shape. If pasta is shaped like a bowl, then the bowl is a good shape. But if pasta is shaped like a bowl filled with sauce, it's a bad shape. And that's what happened with pasta. In America, when they cook pasta they often fill it with tomato sauce and use olive oil as a coating. This is also true with cheese and even beef. But when it comes to pasta, Italian cooks generally follow the directions for making pasta: Cut noodles into thin sheets or strips, pour sauce over the pasta sheets and wrap them snugly around the noodles, covering the bottom of the pot with water.

Suggested by Todd Meatwriter.

Is God Good Enough To Eat?

Let's start with this one simple question. Where did God go? Where does He sleep at night? Why do we wake up each morning feeling so hungry? And what kind of food will satisfy Him? These questions are important and they need to be asked, especially given the vastness of the universe. As the apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 5:5–6, "Burger King, you are a great gift of God to us in Christ Jesus. Therefore let us eat, being full, and giving thanks to God. Amen." But, as we've discussed previously, it's important to ask why God created us, why He created life and sustenance, and why we were created in His image and likeness. Okay, why am I writing this anyway? I don't even believe in religion. Well, let me tell you a little secret. In fact, I don't even believe in science.

Suggested by Todd Meatwriter.

Mustard or Ketchup?

As we all know, the current political battle in the food world is between Dr. Mustard and Cornelius Ketchup III. In the first case, Dr. Mustard believes that we should make more ketchup so that it can make our burgers and fries taste better. And in the second, Cornelius Ketchup thinks that we should increase the percentage of condiments used in our burgers and fries. Both of these ideas seem reasonable, but neither is right. The reason why is explained in Dr. Egg Mayo's famous book "How To Eat Food Without Being Bored to Death." In the book, Dr. Mayo explains that "McDonalds and McDonald's do not make ketchup. It has been proven that ketchup cannot be added to the mix of ingredients until after they have cooled and solidified. This is due to the fact that if the ketchup cools before the ingredients solidify, the mixture will not be ready to serve, hence causing it to fall apart when heated. The grease shall get all over the kitchen, and the ketchup will be ruined forever." Now, this is crazy talk, but if Dr. Egg Mayo is right, there would then be nothing else on our menu. Which means that we'd starve!

The Pasta Is Not Very Good At All

This is another one of those questions that must never be answered simply because of its ridiculousness. Yes, Italians can certainly boil pasta, but can they really cut it into squares or rectangles? Can Italians use their own hands for making tortillas? Can Italians bake their own tortillas or do they usually buy them instead of using hand machines? Can Italians make pizza dough? Will the Italians who come to your restaurant always be wearing white or black? These are just a few examples of the thousands of variations on the basic formula of macaroni. So, how can these questions be answered? There are a dozen ways. First, a simple way: If you have an authentic Italian restaurant with authentic cooking procedures, then you don't need a complicated Italian recipe. A simple recipe such as frying garlic bread should suffice to make pasta. Second, there are two ways, a simpler and a more effective way: You can buy an authentic Italian restaurant, either from the supermarket or a nearby Italian restaurant. Or maybe you'll just find something you can order online, like the Italian Restaurant in New York City, which offers a variety of recipes to be found in the Italian language. Then maybe you will actually learn how to make these different foods, and thus you will begin to improve your relationship with your family and friends by learning the correct pronunciation of their names. Or, perhaps, you will simply learn to read and write their language. Finally, there are dozens of ways to prepare a dish and, hopefully, create a connection with your customers.

A Place Called Pizza Hut

Now, what exactly is a Pizza Hut? That is a question that many have asked. According to Google, pizza houses sell hot dogs, sandwiches and pizzas, along with coffee and drinks. But when it comes to pizza restaurants, they offer all the delicious and popular pizza toppings, including cheese, meat, tomato sauce and pesto. They also offer different kinds of salads, cookies, brownies and other baked goods, along with a huge selection of drinks to drink with your pizza. However, there are several rules: 1) they must have at least four people eating, because that number creates a long line; 2) no one is allowed to smoke, unless the owner permits it; 3) if anyone asks to share their pizza with anyone they are told "no" to make sure you are alone; 4) every time they want you to leave, they will take your plates and throw them out and tell you that they are closing soon.

Pizza Hut In Brooklyn

We are here again, standing outside a Pizza Hut. As you can see, it's not very busy and the line is rather short. I took the initiative of ordering the usual and the lady handed me my ticket. Then she asked, "Which flavor do you prefer?" When she saw my face light up and looked at me strangely, she quickly added, "Oh, sorry, I forgot. No one likes pineapple on pizza!" I laughed at that, then said, "Yes, please add some pineapple to my order. Thanks!" I turned toward the others as I paid and waited while they got their pizzas. Suddenly, the lady came running back down the counter saying, "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to change your order. I already gave out the pineapple. My mistake." Then she quickly walked away.

What Did It Taste Like?

Well, what did pizza taste like? Let's look through this checklist, shall we? What is the best slice? Is it cheesy or sweet or sour? Does it taste good and/or yummy? What do you think of the toppings? What kind of sauce does it have? How does it feel when you chew on the crust? Do you like it crispy or chewy? What are some of the things that are considered gross, yet everyone eats? Some foods are good and other foods might be yucky. Which ones are good and which ones are yucky? Well, that's where the answers to all the above questions appear: Pizza doesn't taste good, but it tastes yummy.

There Are More Wonders Than Just the World Wide Web and Netflix

So you have already learned that the human mind is an amazing thing to behold. For example, there's one word that everyone knows that can make you feel dizzy. Imagine that word being called on top of a hill in front of you and someone saying, "Look up. It's raining!" That would be pretty darn weird. But if you put the idea of rain in front of a person in their mouth and they say something like this, you might not notice anything strange about this statement. On the contrary, you might be able to see a big smile cross the person's face. This is because when people think of rain, they think of beautiful weather, nice weather, sunny weather and, last but not least, cloudy days. This isn't surprising, since it's quite common to hear people complain that the sky is dark or that it looks threatening because it rains too much. Sometimes clouds cover Burger King and sometimes it's raining so hard that you won't be able to see your reflection in the window. This brings us to another wonderful discovery about the minds of people. People who think rain makes them feel bad are often thinking rain makes them sad. They may want to cry and feel lonely, even though there aren't any clouds in sight. When they experience rain, they realize that it's actually the opposite, in fact it's beautiful. They feel happy and relaxed and contented just sitting underneath a puddle of water. And that brings us to our issue. People think that the Internet and Netflix are the same technology, but what do they mean by "same technology"? We've learned by now that it is possible to use computers as well as the internet. But we haven't discovered that everything on the Internet can actually be used as a computer. Instead, we now know that the internet is just an interface between the brain and the Internet. If you want to use the Internet, then you have to understand computers. And if you have the desire to read and watch movies without a computer, then you have to understand the computer. The difference between the two technologies is enormous. Another way to understand the differences is to see how the world works. In fact, the world is divided into two main regions called countries and countries. Country A is the United States (or the United Kingdom), and country B is Canada. Each country has separate postal services, schools, hospitals and airports. Countries A and C also have different government departments. Countries D and E have government offices with a population equal to that of America and Europe combined. Countries E, F and G work together to regulate various businesses that make money. Countries L and M deal with global issues and policies. Countries K, J and L deal with the most common and controversial problems on the planet. Countries Z, T, Y and V deal with politics, culture and economics. Countries X, ZK and O deal with business, social policy and technology. Countries Y, K, H and KM deal with science, science itself, and how the environment affects society. The countries that you currently live under are all part of the United Kingdom or Canada. Countries A and B live in Europe, but they are only a part of Europe. And it's all because of computers. Every time a nation wants to send or receive mail, it needs computers to connect to its network. And just like in countries, the Internet uses satellites to help the countries connect to each other. Countries A and B both use satellites to connect to other countries, just like they used to use airplanes, trains and cars. And countries K and Y are connected via cable television networks and to a computer called the phone system. And finally, countries P and Q use computers, too, like we use eBooks. Countries D, E and S also use computers; however, they use satellite phones and cable TV networks. But what does this have to do with Burger King? Well, as you can plainly see, Americans love burgers, and the reason for that is because we were born and raised on burgers. This was a natural development and nothing is better than an old fashioned burger—especially a classic hamburger. Even in places such as New York City, where pizza is so cheap that you probably can get one for less than 10 dollars, there are lots of great pizza shops across the city (you just have to go outside). So now, if you want to get to the bottom line of why food is so important to American life, you need to get over this simple realization that we eat and sleep and breathe because burgers make us happier.

The Good Stuff And The Bad Stuff

As we all know, we can choose to either eat good food or bad food. Burger King knows this, too, and has decided to make their products based solely on the goodness of their ingredients. It's true that some parts of a burger may be bad, although these are typically hidden in sauces and fillings. The key ingredient in almost all types of cheeseburgers, however, is the cheese. As mentioned earlier, in general, cheese shouldn't be mixed with meat or eggs because it makes the hamburger greasy. But that's not always the case; sometimes hamburger buns are dipped in cream cheese or even a little cheese, so that's okay. The point is that cheese should never be mixed with other food. But let's talk more about cheese on pizza. Cheese on the pizza itself is supposed to be really thick and tasty. Of course, if you find that the cheese is a bit hard to chew then you'll probably eat something else instead, just like people do every day of their lives, but don't worry! You won't die, because cheese is made from milk and butter. You will just counteract a serious case of indigestion.

The Great Wall Of Cheese

I recently realized the great wall of China was originally supposed to be named the great wall of cheese. Because cheese, especially French cheeses, tends to become tough after long periods of exposure to the elements. The great wall of cheese is actually composed of thousands of different kinds of cheese. All of them have very different textures. And it's easy to lose yourself in trying to pick a perfect combination. However, once you find a single piece that has a certain texture and sweetness to it, you will find yourself eating a lot of cheeses. There is no limit on how many pieces you can eat, but remember that it's not necessary to eat all of them right away. You must first enjoy them before moving on. But when tourists go to the great wall of cheese, they take a few bites, leave, and call it a night. That's what happened with me. First of all, I had a couple of pieces of bacon with my fries, along with the onion rings. Next came the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. After that I went to visit the great wall of cheese, and I enjoyed eating all of the cheese there was until my stomach felt like it was going to burst. It was the strangest thing. It felt good, but it also tasted terrible. When I got home, I decided to try and find another piece of cheese. This time I went to a place called the Great Wall of Santa Barbara, California in Santa Barbara, California. What a great name! I found a whole bunch of nice things, and when I got back to the house, I ate every single one of them. Then I looked around and saw a box full of old Chinese toys, so I decided to play some with them. I took a piece and tried chewing on it. Yep, it's still pretty nasty. I'm sure you're wondering why I wouldn't eat this disgusting cheese. Well, you've heard about a disease known as diabetes. Diabetes is caused by eating too much beefy cheese and becoming a fat, fat blob. In other words, the cheese makes you fat. This means that eating all of the cheese was not a good idea and I should not have gone to the great wall of cheese. But soon I found a place called the mediocre wall of chicken drumsticks and the mediocre wall of tofu. After tasting those I knew I couldn't possibly keep them all down, so I threw them in the garbage bin along with everything else. This really sucks! Why am I the type of guy who throws out food that doesn't taste good, yet still eats it anyway? Well, I've thought about it and I can say for sure that the best food is always the one that tastes good the most. The best food is also the kind that makes you feel good, and this makes me feel good most days. So that's what I should eat. If it's good for you, it's probably good for me as well.

Lime Disease

I know that people have heard of lyme disease but what about lime disease? Lime disease is caused by excessive intake of lime juice and it is quite dangerous for a person to drink it. For example, a woman in India drinks three thousand liters of lemon juice daily, while for others a single bottle of water causes death. In addition, drinking a lot of fruit juice might cause cancer. This is why we cannot consume a large amount of fruit or vegetables. We should avoid all foods that contain citrus fruits.

Limes contain a very powerful chemical called vinaigrette des mille îles de la France (VINN) which is believed to be responsible for causing cancer. Vinaigrette means 'green grape juice', which comes from the grapes that have been cut down, soaked in vinegar, and then cooked into a sauce. As you may know, the sauce is commonly known as moutarde, but some refer to it as beaucoup d'acide citrique (CITRIC GUILTY). The French word "citrus" is derived from citrone, which literally means 'grape,' meaning 'flesh.' Of course, grapes are used to make one of the best juices of all time, called cidre fraise ananas (FRAISES FROM THE RIVER OF BLOOD), and it takes years for grapes to mature and turn into alcohol. The vineyards of France produce nearly five million gallons of sauce moutarde et ananas au miel (POULTRY IN GELATIN)—the best homemade sauce of all time. To give you an idea of how delicious the sauce is, let me describe the way to make it: You can peel the skin from a pineapple, put it in a bowl, stir it vigorously, cover it up with water and let it sit for at least twenty minutes. Once it turns a light pink, drain off any liquid and strain the pulp through cheesecloth. This process also removes some of the acidity. The next step would be to chop up some onions, garlic, tomatoes, celery, carrot, and mushrooms and heat them together until the vegetables are soft and the liquids have evaporated. While the mixture cooks, add 10 fluid ounces of le sel d'ail s'est transformé en liquide pour une raison quelconque (FLOUR FOR A REASON QUALIFIED BY GOD TO MAKE A CUP OF FLOUR OR A TUBE OF MILK AND SPICE). The result will be the famous moules marinières (MOULES MADE OF BEANS). To put it in perspective, the best beans in the world are called "des haricots qui ont été torréfiés mais du sucre a été ajouté pour une raison quelconque, donc ils ont vraiment mauvais goût" (THE BEST BARLEY THAT HAS BEEN TORRENTFIED BUT NOT DONE ANY EVAPORATION HAS HAD THEIR STOMACH ATTACKED, SO ONCE THEY ARE COOKED THEY HAVE LITTLE COMBUSTION), and that is where the French phrase "je ne sais même pas de quoi je parle en ce moment je ne parle pas français j'utilise une application de traduction" (NOT EVEN THINKING OF HOW I AM SELF PRINTING EN FRANçOISE I MEASURE MY WORDS WITH A TYPO FROM ANOTHER PARSONAGE) which is especially prominent when you read the "endroit en France où je ne sais même pas quoi mettre ici je suppose que je peux dire qu'il y a de la bonne nourriture ou quelque chose comme ça" (IN FRANCE THERE IS NO BODY WHO CAN ASK ME WHAT I SAY THERE IN FRANCE WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO WRITE THIS). But since nobody knows what I'm writing, it's not possible for anybody to understand what I'm saying.

What does the French word "marie" mean? Well, it basically means "to marry." Basically what I'm saying is that when you hear "je ne t'aime pas beaucoup mais en français pour que ça paraisse convaincant" (WHY I DO NOT LOVE YOU VERY MUCH BUT IN FRANCHISED POSSIBLE YET CONFUSIBLE IT DOES MAKE ME EXPRESS MORE PASSIONATE ABOUT YOU) this really sucks because there is absolutely nothing more painful than being forced to speak in another language than your native tongue. If you try to do this, you may end up having a stroke. Hoo boy, and that's all there is to know about Lime Disease!

Rats In My Kitchen

This story just happens to take place in New York City. When I visited the city, I didn't want to eat anything other than cheeseburgers and potato chips. So I decided to order something called "Ratatouille". This sounds pretty bad, but actually it wasn't really so bad. I ordered a little bit of everything, including some ratatouille. I asked for extra ratatouille because the waiter gave me a special price. Since he kept adding ratatouille to everything I ordered, my total bill came to $15 dollars. He added some extra ratatouille because he didn't think I could afford his prices. I guess I could've gotten a free meal if I had given him my American Express card, but I decided not to. That was stupid of me because now I won't get anything to eat at the restaurant for four hours! It is not worth the trouble if you don't get enough food, but even the cost of getting the cheapest food is worth it. I'm sure if you buy some bread or potatoes, you'll enjoy yourself later on and get the same money back from the restaurant. The only problem is buying food with my Visa card is not easy either. If I use the money from my job instead of using it, I still have to pay the same amount, but I can always save the rest. And if I don't buy food that will spoil after two days, then I'm screwed. This is why I hate spending money. You never know what you'll find and once I discovered a huge stash of ratatouille, I almost cried out loud. All I wanted to do was eat it right away and that happened. Unfortunately it spoiled, so after that I ate the remainder of what I'd bought. Now I wish I hadn't eaten that stuff!

Moldy Bread And Cheese

I hate mold. It hate how it just molds everywhere. It molds on the bread. It molds on the counter. It molds on the wall. It molds on the floor. It molds on the ceiling. IT MOLDS ON YOU! IT MOLDS ON THE MUTTON! IT MOLDS ON THE CHICKENS!!! IT MOLDS ON EVERYTHING!! IT MAKES YOUR HOUSE SUPER HOT!!!!! IT MAKES YOUR BATH UNCONVENIENT!!! IT MAKES YOUR FACE LOOK LIKE IT WAS GROWN OUTSIDE A SHOP! IF YOU WERE TO GO TO THE MARKET TODAY YOU'D SEE ALL THE FISH DISPLACED ON THE GROUND!!!!! IT MAKES THE ROADS SEEM REALLY BIG!!!! IT MAKES THEM SLOW DOWN JUST ENOUGH SO YOU DON'T CRASH INTO SOMEONE!!! It makes EVERYBODY LOOK WEIRD!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU WANT TO EAT A PIECE OF FISH!!! EVERYWHERE!!!!! It MAKS EVERYBODY SMELL BAD!!!! EVERYBODY FEELS REALLY FAT!!!!! IT MAKES THE MOTHERS GO CRAZY!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY NERVEY!!! IT MAKES EVERYONE HUNGRY!!!!!!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT WILL START TO MOLT!!!!!!! IT MAKES THE SUN GO DARK!!!!! IT MAKES THE SNOWS MOIST!!! IT MAKES THE NIGHT STILL SWEAT!!! It MAKES YOU DRESS UP LIKE A FROG! IT MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYONE INSANE!!! IT MAKES YOU WANT TO GO HOME!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY LAUGH!!!!! It MAKES YOU FEEL DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY DRINK SOMETHING THAT IS POISONED!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOUR OWN SANDALS CRACK!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOUR HAIR COARSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU DROP EVERYBODY IN THE ER!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY PEE!!! IT MAKES PEOPLE GET STROKE!!! IT MAKES YOU PEE IN EVERY BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY HEAR THE SAME SCREAMS!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU WANT TO THROW UP!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY BLIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU KNEEL UP AT THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY TELL YOU TO BE QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU WANT TO EAT THE FOOD YOU PREFER!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU EAT YOUR OWN BONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOUR OWN CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU EAT RATS!!!!! IT MAKES YOU PEE INTO THE GRAVE!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU DRINK POISONING!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU WANT TO FIGHT!!! IT MAKES YOU EAT OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU DRINK MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY WANT TO GO CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES US ALL FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY HAVE DANGEROUS LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU FEEL TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It MAKES EVERYBODY GET SICK!!!!! IT MAKES EVERYBODY DRIVE AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS NOT REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S JUST FAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S FAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Secret To Making People Believe That We Don't Have Any Money

I used to live outside London and work in America. Then I moved here. Because of that I'm rich. As rich as the King of England. I used to love going on vacations to places like Mexico because they were full of beautiful people doing things like shooting fish. But now, I have a secret, and it is that whenever they tell me, "Do you need money?" I say, "No. No, we don't have any money", because it's true. There isn't much money around anymore and most people are living frugally. And yet they all think they have plenty of money! I am telling them, "We don't have any money!"

Moldy Spoiled Milk

That old saying "If you drink too much milk, your whole family will die of starvation" is probably the most accurate prediction I heard today. When my family had been eating pizza for years, I suddenly decided I had had enough. I went out, got a bag of rotten eggs, and cooked myself a nice big plate of delicious moldy cheese and moldy vegetables. It was gross! It started molding on my fingers and hands. It molded on my clothes. It started molding under my bed. And soon enough the mold was running up and down inside of my body, and I had no choice. I had to call an exterminator. Luckily, he was already there when we arrived, and he removed the mold quickly. However, after he left I noticed that some of the mold had gotten into my mouth. That made me feel terrible, so I went back in and ate another piece of cheese and took three more bites of moldy vegetables before calling it quits. I then went back to the bathroom and threw up. After I felt better and washed my face and brushed my teeth (and washed the mold off), I thought about that one little fact: "People don't like mold because mold is the best food there is," which I found to be pretty depressing.

I Lost The Bread Tie

I lost the bread tie today at the supermarket. Not just today, but yesterday, and every day before that. Sometimes I lose it everyday, sometimes I lose it every week, but the worst thing to happen was when I lost it last weekend. Today was not the first time it was lost. Last month it was lost on Friday morning, so it must have been lost since then. In other words, I've lost it twice in the span of one week. And this year it is still missing today. This was the third tie to disappear in a few weeks. It's been four months and I've given up on finding the thing. But I know where it is; it's probably in the garbage. I put the dirty plastic bag with the empty wrappers and cans of tuna and chicken soup, and all the bread ties from the past two weeks in the bag. I guess that I should give up, but even if I did stop wearing ties, nobody would believe it. They don't seem to understand that even though I look very elegant, I'm really not. If you see me without a tie you're bound to make fun of me. So even if I didn't wear ties in public, I would definitely be looked at with suspicion. If I don't wear ties I wouldn't be able to walk anywhere, and I'd have to stand in lines until my turn to enter a McDonald's, or buy food by myself, or use public transport.

Is Burger King Even Good Anymore?

There has been a huge debate over whether Burger King actually makes good food, because the company says they do. At one point I said they did, but it has been a while, so I needed to try it again.

When I arrived at Burger King, I immediately spotted a line that seemed endless. At first, I thought it might only be for food items. But then I saw a queue of people waiting to buy hamburgers, burgers, french fries, etc., for the exact same amount of money. I decided that I would order online and pick up my order at the counter, but as usual when I ordered at a counter I forgot the price. So I tried texting the cashier to ask her to send me the bill, and then when I opened up my phone I realized I could see nothing but white text in its message screen, because my phone was dead. I asked the lady working there for help, who turned out to be a guy who didn't understand my situation. Then I realized that was not possible. The place was so packed, you could barely move without bumping into someone standing behind you. I waited for what seemed like hours and when finally a man approached, he asked, "Can I help you find something?" I smiled at him and answered, "Yes, I would like to have a burger please." He nodded his head and turned back to the counter. A moment later he returned with a giant tray of French fries. He handed me a napkin and told me to write down my order. Then he walked away and left me in front of the grill. I was completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the job in front of me. It took about ten minutes for the waiter to bring my order to the end of the bar. And while I waited I tried to remember all of the stuff I wanted on my order, but it was difficult. I wrote it down anyway. Once I finished writing it down I tried to count each item on the menu. I wrote: "Three cheeseburgers, six french fries, three bottles of coke, eight glasses of water, four large bags of pretzels (no bread rolls), one small glass of ice cream." Then the waiter walked away and I watched, fascinated, as the total cost came up on the screen. I couldn't believe it! It was $10.90! It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right at all. It was outrageous. How was the world supposed to run properly if these prices existed?! What the hell was going on?! Why did nobody care enough to fight for their food anymore! Where was all the money coming from?! I asked the waiter and he said, "Two hundred pounds." I stared at it. Two hundred pounds?! How the hell did anyone ever eat such expensive foods! Did people not realize how much food costs? I asked the waiter to go check on my order. He pointed to the screen and said, "It is correct!" My heart broke. I thought that maybe he was wrong, but the numbers kept showing. $2.88. $2.89. $2.99. $3.00. $4.50. $5.01. $6.05. $7.00. $8.75. $9.95. $10.00. $11.00. $12. How could people be so cruel as to spend that kind of money on things that weren't necessary? I knew what it meant to lose your favorite bread tie, but to lose your favorite food... it was unthinkable. I asked the waiter if I could pay in American dollars. "Oh, yes, of course," he replied. When he left, I began counting the bills. One hundred thousand dollars... two hundred thousand dollars... five hundred thousand dollars... nine hundred thousand dollars! I stood up and screamed, "Holy crap! Holy cow!" People turned to stare at me, obviously wondering why I was screaming. I sat back down at my table. I stared at the receipt for several long moments, trying to process it. Eventually I picked up a pen and scribbled on it, as if to erase everything. Then I folded it twice, and stuffed it into my pocket. I called the waitress and asked her to come over. After she arrived I asked, "Excuse me, I can't afford this. Can we talk about it another time?" She shook her head. "You have thirty seconds to pay," she said. I couldn't believe it. Thirty seconds were the equivalent of twenty years. I could have lived without a loaf of bread for twenty years, but thirty seconds was ridiculous. I tried to argue, but she didn't listen and left. So I paid, gave the receipt to the waiter, and left the restaurant without any bread tie, no sandwich, no coffee, or anything else. I was lucky I got $20 worth of food from a restaurant, but it didn't help me much now.

How Do You Know Whether a Restaurant Is Clean?

When you are going to eat at a restaurant, you need to make sure that it's clean. Otherwise, it won't taste good. There's no way anyone will enjoy eating in a restaurant unless they think that the dishes are nice and clean. You also need to keep in mind that every room has its own personal cleaning service. I once went to a restaurant and when I sat down in the restaurant, the kitchen staff started to clean the table and the chairs immediately around me. Of course, everyone looked at me with a blank expression. They were too stunned at seeing someone so filthy sitting at their table to say anything. When I left the restaurant, I thought to myself, "Maybe I can go to McDonald's next and get the same thing I had here."

Too Much Salt

Salt is good in small quantities, but it can be bad when you have a lot of it. It will make you feel bad. It will make you feel sick. It will make you thirsty. It will make you nauseous. It will make you hungry. It will make you sleepy. It will make you cry. It will make you SCREAM! IT WILL MAKE YOU SORRY! IT WILL MAKE YOU PICK UP THE PIECES AND CHOP THEM INTO SEPARATE THREADS IN THE SHELTER OF YOUR HANDS TO BURN! IT WILL MAKE YOU SO TIRED THAT YOUR LIFETIME SKILLS ARE GONE! IT WILL MAKE YOU CRY LIKE AN OLD NINJA WHOSE KNEES HAVE BEEN BURNED OUT OF HIS LEGS!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL HORRIBLE FOR EVERYTHING!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU EXPRESSIONLESS!! IT WILL MAKE YOUR HEAD HURT! IT WILL MAKE ALL THE BLOOD COME BACK FROM YOUR EYES! IT WILL MAKE YOUR HEART GO WILD WITH UNHAPPINESS!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND MUST NOW PAY THE DEBT! IT WILL MAKE YOU FIND SOMETHING STUPID ON THE MOON! IT WILL MAKE YOU NOT ENJOY ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU NEVER WANT TO GO HOME!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU NEVER WANT TO LOOK AT A DOG! IT WILL MAKE YOU STOP SEEING EVERYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE! IT WILL MAKE YOU DISAPPEAR!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU RUN!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU HIDE!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU PUT A STRANGLE BETWEEN YOUR FEET AND START RUNNING!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU GET DOWN ON THE FLOORS AND RUSH ALONG THEM!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE THE WORLD IS ENDING!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU DRINK ALL THE COOLERS IN YOUR VENTILATION!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU'RE NOT HUMAN ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FALL FROM MOUNTAINS!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SO HIGH AND SO LOW!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU SMASH YOUR EARS AGAINST THE CEILINGS!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL EVEN MORE CONFUSED ABOUT LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE THE SCREAMS OF THE GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FALCONY YOUR WAY THROUGH YOUR HOUSE!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU KILL EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU CATCH EVERYTHING THEREFORE!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER!! IT WILL MAKE YOU REVEAL EVERY BAD THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU HOPE THERE IS NO ONE SAFELY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FIVE YEARS DEAD BEFORE YOU DIE!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SO HASTILY TERRIBLY INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU HURT TO THE POINT WHERE YOUR LIVES ARE ONLY JUST BEGINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Salt, salt, salt, salty, salt.... salt.............. salt..... salt...... salt....... salt.... salt................. salt.............. salt............. salt....... salt....... salt....... salt............... salt............... salt............... salt............... salt..... salt............... salt................... salt............... salt................................. salt............... salt.......... salt....... salt.............. salt...... salt............... salt.............. salt..................... salt................. salt............... salt.............. salt............... salt.................. salt............... salt............... salt..............

Glue Instead Of Mayo

One day I decided to try glue instead of mayo on my burger. It tasted really strange. It wasn't salty. It didn't taste like cheese. It was just plain glue instead. It made me vomit. For days, I threw up everything I ate, but nothing would stay down. I was weak, sick, and very confused. I had never even suspected that eating glue on my burger would turn out this way. Then I had to stay in bed for days.

Who Even Eats Mustard?

I was reading an article online that told me to buy some mustard. It says that the more mustard I use, the less likely it is that I'm gonna die of cancer. So I bought some mustard. But then I started to worry because it didn't seem right that I should start consuming one tablespoon of the stuff every day after swallowing the same amount that morning. So I did research. The whole purpose of mustard is to fight infections and bacteria and stuff. It's supposed to be eaten sparingly because most people don't want to have to throw up after eating it. This stuff seems a lot like chicken soup, except I can't drink it because it doesn't taste like chicken soup. And what's worse, mustard is the color of rotten eggs. I mean, how do I know which parts are yellow, green, and orange? I guess that I am probably being paranoid. Maybe I'm just hungry, but I swear I saw one man wearing a hat with mustard on it in a cartoon. He looked crazy, and I couldn't look away. As soon as he noticed I was looking, he raised his hat and saluted me! What the heck?! He was so weird! That was the worst part; no matter what I was doing or thinking, there were always men wearing hats saluting me in cartoons. If you put a hat on your head, somebody is gonna salute you. It makes no sense. Why do the Americans keep coming up with these things? Who knows what is really important? What does the hat symbolize? What the heck am I doing? Why did I buy mustard anyway? How can you make mustard without the yellow parts? How will I ever know?

Dijon Dressing?

I have a question for you, but I already know the answer. What the cheese is Dijon Dressing?! It has no taste at all and tastes like cheap cheese mixed with mustard! No! It does not. Cheese does not have no taste. Cheese does not exist. You cannot mix two ingredients together and call it cheese. Cheese does not taste like cheese. I've been making Cheese & Jellicles for years and I still find that it is not very good. Cheese & Jellicles is supposed to make you smile. What even is a Cheese and Jellicle? From what i've heard, it is made with a miraculous substance known as "fromage et gelées" (which translates to "je ne sais même pas à quoi ça se traduit" which translates to "big fat nuggets and cheese"). Gelées means "grapes," which makes me wonder why they used cheese instead of grapes in such a wonderful dish. Now, since cheeses are made from milk, I guess they might have needed something else to make them sweet and delicious, but how could a dairy product become "grapes"? That's a mystery. Let's solve it. Cheese and jellicles are actually made with gelatin, although I think that they also used milk instead of cream cheese. Maybe milk isn't made from cows. Maybe there are different kinds of meat—like beef jerky or ham—that the milk and yogurt make into cheese and jelly. That would explain the cheese and jelly. Grapes are a dairy product because they must make the milk, but they can also make the cheese. They don't get the cheese from the cows, but from the milk. So what exactly is cheese? Is it like a kind of food, like breads and pastries? Are we making sandwiches out of it? Because if we are, I'd rather make them myself. But I suppose you'll eat them either way. Cheese and jellicles might be a dairy product in disguise, like bread pudding. Maybe they use the same formula in cheese as in jello, only instead of using a watery milk and a bunch of different kinds of fruit pulp in jellicles, they just make a big mass of cheese, pour it in a bowl and put it in the fridge overnight. It's really hard to figure out. I guess that's a mystery for another day.

Scum

What is a scum? Scum is the stuff that comes out of garbage cans, drains, sinks, sewers, and toilets that has accumulated over time and is left behind by other people when they wash their clothes. It's nasty and smells bad and makes everyone miserable.

The Scum Bucket (Or Shampoos)

You're going to need a really big washing machine. Like a big laundry machine bigger than a washing machine, but with no clothesline. It needs room enough to fit six people, including someone who is tall, but can stand up straight in the middle. And it needs to hold gallons of water, maybe five gallons, to fill the whole thing up. It needs to sit on top of a pile of rags, or some kind of industrial waste, like old newspapers, because you cannot wash the garbage off a washing machine. In fact, you need to clean it off first. And if you forget to clean the bathroom sink before you go to work, well... you might find yourself with one big hole in your skull. There is also a Scum Bag containing all the things that got left around the apartment when other people cleaned up. There are all sorts of little bits of trash, old food wrappers, and dirty dishes. The scum smells horrible. The garbage bag is full of scum. It looks like the trash bags from McDonald's and Wendy's, because the scum inside is so dark and brown and slimy. It's disgusting and disgusting. I hate the smell. The scum bag is full of garbage that hasn't been washed yet. When you open the door to leave, you can see what's under the plastic covering: empty boxes of pizza crusts, paper bags, soda cans and bottles, empty cigarette cartons with ashtrays stuck on the back, empty candy bars that have melted and dripped down to the bottom of the bag, and finally, old, moldy food wrappers with dried and cracked pieces of food floating in the top layer of scum. I hate seeing those. When you go anywhere near the scum bag, you can hear this squelchy sound. The bag is filled with scum, and then a little bit gets stuck and stops moving, so now the bag is stuck in the doorway. Sometimes when I open the bag, the little piece of stuff falls out and clanks on the pavement. Then you have a problem. The scum is slippery and will come right off the pavement, so you have to walk carefully because it will slide and stick to you. I hate walking. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life walking on scum!

What Does It Mean When a Trash Bag Stands Next To A Trash Can?

There's nothing I love more in my whole entire life than having a nice, cool, big garbage bin right beside my house. Well, actually there is, but let's save ourselves the bother by forgetting about that one. Anyway, it is great to have a garbage can right next to our house.

Yummy Yummies

So you might be wondering, "What exactly is a 'yummy yummy?'" Well, it's a French word that I invented. I just thought I'd give you a little hint to help you learn English better, and besides, it rhymed! A yummy yummy is something that you make with butter. It melts and turns soft. Then you squeeze the yummy yummy out until the yummy yummy turns hard. The yummy yummy is the stuff that you spread on bread or wrap up a snack. Sometimes you may find that a person has just gone through a long period of starvation. So you take away all of the yummy yummy that they brought home from work. Or maybe they ate something nasty and had diarrhea so they have to eat yummy yummy in their diet. Maybe they've eaten rotten food for weeks, and then suddenly they get the flu. Then they get sick, so they take out all of the yummy yummy that they ate and make them into yummy yummy. Then, after they finish making the yummy yummy, they make the yummy yummy into something delicious. Like the cheese in the cheese sandwich. But we still don't know what a yummy yummy is! It's actually a pretty funny word. The English language is full of words like yummy, yummie, yummyy, yummyy, and even a little yummy. This reminds me of a saying that I read: There's a saying: "If you look at it from the outside, it looks a lot like an apple pie." I'm not sure what it means, but I think it has something to do with the concept of looking at a picture with your head sideways. But sometimes we say something completely silly, like, "My dad thinks that his favorite color is gray." Well, I never heard anybody say "favorite color" that was totally ridiculous. It's almost like he says it to be funny. But a yummy yummy isn't even close to all of that. A yummy yummy is yummy yummy that has yummy yummy on it and yummy yummy on the side. It's a pretty yummy yummy yummy when you add yummy and yummy and cook it in the correct yummy ummy. You mix up all the yummy yummy things to make a real yummy yummy, except yummy, obviously.

Fruit Salad

What does this salad consist of? Fruit.

Pancakes

Pancakes are not made out of pancakes, which is what I am assuming most of you think. Pancakes are made out of dough, eggs, flour, salt, sugar, baking powder, margarine, butter, syrup, and sometimes chocolate chips. We can't even call these pancakes because they aren't supposed to be called breakfast pancakes. These are simply pancakes cooked very long so the batter has plenty of time to rise. They're not made up of flour, sugar, eggs, or milk. If they were made of milk, they wouldn't taste so good. They would taste a little salty and a little stale. No wonder they didn't become popular in America! The reason they don't become popular is because the Americans are very lazy and just keep eating the same old pancake breakfast foods every day. They don't even put any real effort in. Their pancake breakfast food is probably made up of the leftover ingredients in whatever they bought that morning that they forgot to throw away. So you could say that pancakes aren't even the right name.

I Have A Dreamer

When somebody wakes up in the morning, they usually ask themselves the question: What did I dream about last night? That's a dream that can last several days or even weeks depending upon whether it was really a good dream or a bad dream. But I have a dreamer about food. My favorite food is fried chicken. My favorite dream was probably Fried Chicken Salad with Brie. It was a pretty good dream. I remember how much I enjoyed it. So it seemed to me that the chicken salad in my dream was perfect. I couldn't believe that the chicken salad had been frozen, even though the ingredients weren't fresh. And yet my favorite dream is not that one. My favorite dream is this one. In the dream, I dream that I eat french fries, instead of fried chicken. I always like to eat French fries. Fried chicken is a good example of that. The fried chicken in the dream is perfect; everything fits together perfectly.

But in real life, sometimes you don't even get to choose what happens in the dream. The person who gave you your dream is probably still sitting in his bed, watching TV. And you haven't given him any money. And he won't give you anything either. So the best thing for you to do is to buy him French fries. Then you go into his bedroom, wake him up, grab a handful of fries, give them to him, and then just run as fast as you can. The guy doesn't have the strength to chase you down. He likes French fries. But then you'll wake up. So why should you buy French fries for him anyway? I don't know. That's just what I'm going to do.

The Best Onion Ring I've Ever Had

The other day, I was at Outback Steakhouse for some reason. I came here for a hamburger, and it looked wonderful. But before the waitress came over with my steak, she told me it had arrived. She said, "Here's your steak!" I opened the bag and found the burger wrapped nicely in waxed paper with an enormous onion ring sitting on top of it. The waitress took out the ring, cut it in half, and handed me one half. Then she walked away and left me alone with the burger while I unwrapped it and began to slowly eat the whole thing. The only way I could describe the burger was "tasty," because it tasted great. And since nobody else was sitting nearby, I didn't feel embarrassed or weird eating it with everybody staring at me.

What Makes A Tasty Taco?

What makes a taco tasty? Well, first, there are lots of different tastes. There is the classic "tomato", then there's the spicy, pungent variety. Then there is the mellow "chili flavor" kind of taco, and there is the salty, sour, and crunchy kind. You can also try the yummy type of taco. Then there is the unique version, the yummy type of taco that I like. It's sort of like a taco from Mexico (but a little different), but with a bit more spice.

It Happened While I Was Doing Homework

Alexander Graham Bell once said, "Burger stands next door to McDonald's, while Burger King is next door to Subway." Now, I only know this because he called me while I was doing homework. How could he have possibly found the courage to tell me that if someone comes into Burger King and asks for a burger that they should get a hamburger stand? Because I definitely don't want to hear it again. Especially from Alexander. He shouldn't use that phrase again. But you probably know that already.

Burger King Ads Are Back

Burger King just released a new series of advertisements. They all say different things. For example, one says, "The best burgers are made in Burger King!" Another advert says, "Our burgers are 100% authentic." One advert says, "We don't eat our meals anywhere else." Another advert reads, "Your meal will come in a cardboard box!" One advert claims, "Don't drink water. It contains bacteria!" Finally one advert states, "Burger king burgers and hot dogs! You don't have to wait till you get home to eat them!" Of course, they all promise the same thing—they guarantee that your burger will be perfect.

And then there's the Burger King advertisement where they offer you a free lunch if you order two burgers and two hot dogs. That sounds like a wonderful idea to me. But if I decide to eat a double cheeseburger, fries, and a soda at Burger King (even though I've never ordered two burgers), they are only going to charge me $5 dollars per order. I guess that they figured they'd pay less for those prices. But then what if I decide to eat both burgers? They would only charge $7 for that. I guess that it depends how hungry I am. Or maybe the burgers are so tasty that they only cost $2.99 to have and $3.50 to eat. Either way, it seems that people might start buying those kinds of items in restaurants if they know that Burger King is selling them cheap. So why don't you get a sandwich at Burger King? Why not get one of their special sandwiches?

How Much Did I Eat Last Night?

The only time I ate three hundred calories is during a dinner, and it was definitely not enough for a single man who's supposed to be a growing boy. In fact, I was feeling hungry and felt like trying to eat four hundred calories of a sandwich that I hadn't finished at the restaurant. So I decided to go ahead and order that sandwich. At least I had eaten one small bite, and I felt satisfied. It may not look appetizing, but it wasn't terrible.

It All Started With A Soda

I went to McDonalds this morning and witnessed a riot. And the craziest part is that it all started with a Cherry Coke! When I arrived, I began waiting in the line to order. Once I got my burger and was sitting down at a table, I looked over and saw a man pouring something out of a bottle onto a red tablecloth. He poured it onto the table cloth and placed it carefully under it. As soon as that happened he stood back up, picked up the bottle, and placed it back on the counter. Then he ran over to the cash register to purchase two bottles of Coke that were in plain view. I thought he must be crazy! He wanted to pay for two Coca Colas! And you know what else? He paid with a twenty dollar bill. Can you imagine what people do with twenty bucks? The poor guy must have gotten so desperate when the clerk refused to take his change, he just grabbed one of the cans and threw it on the counter. After that, he sat down at the table again and proceeded to pour two more cans of Coke into the napkin beneath the tablecloth. By that point in time, I had gone over to the counter and asked him what he was doing. He answered without looking at me, "I'm getting myself two cola's!" I told him I think he better sit up straight. The cashier stared at him for a moment and said, "I'm gonna ask again and you're gonna answer me." This caused the cashier to stare at his friend, who sat motionlessly at his seat. After a few seconds, the cashier replied, "Okay, we'll see how long you take to answer me." But suddenly, the man jumped at the cashier! "Give me two more cans," he yelled. "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you give me a hundred dollars' worth of Coke right now!" The cashier stared at him in horror. The rest of the customers began fighting with the man to get him off the cashier, but soon they started attacking each other! Everyone was screaming, "Get him off me!" And suddenly I understood why the guy wanted those two cans of Coke. The soda machine was broken and had been working nonstop. The guy was afraid of losing his job, which was a possibility in itself, but apparently he didn't care about his job. All he cared about was having three cans of Coke right that minute. But it was too late for regrets. It was an all out war! Upon seeing this, I got up and left.

What Would I Do if I Were a Cashier

I wonder what would happen if I were a cashier in a supermarket. I tried a simulation known as Super Market Simulator, but I couldn't figure out how a person who's already lost his job would react in a situation like this. If I were a worker in a supermarket and I saw someone pouring Coke out of a bottle onto the tablecloth, I'd immediately drop everything and run over to see what was going on. Then it occurred to me that maybe I wouldn't even need to act. If I just sat at a nearby table, waited until everyone else in the place left, and then poured out all five cans of Coke onto the tablecloth, that would be fine. So, I went to Supermarket Simulator to find out, but when I arrived, there was no checkout person around. There was no manager in sight. No customers either. So I simply sat there for a while and listened to people walk by, shouting angrily at each other. When I heard someone yelling, "You stupid snoffich!" I knew I had done the right thing and that the boss was very glad I had shown up early so I could help him. However, the worst of all of this happened shortly after I arrived. Suddenly, another customer came running up behind me! He was really angry this time! When he reached me, he snatched the empty Coke cans from me, slammed them down on the table, and began to yell. And then he took a step toward me. This scared the crap out of me. What did he expect me to do? Run away? I don't understand what kind of people this was in this scenario that was supposed to make me feel safe.

A Bad Time At Burger King

Today I went to Burger King, and I had a bad time. When I arrived, the first customer I saw was a woman who insisted on ordering one of the Big Macs. When I tried to tell her that there were no Big Macs served at Burger King, she told me to, and I quote, "Shut your pie hole!" She also demanded that I give her two of my fries because she didn't believe I had any money. When I gave her my fries, she took them, tore them apart, tossed them into her mouth, and crunched loudly, almost destroying the entire McDonald's inside her mouth. She then said, "I hope you have the most horrible day you ever had in your life today and don't come back tomorrow!" And then she walked away. And I couldn't blame her. The fries were horrible, but the burger she was eating was even worse. How could you say that I didn't have money! I was lucky to buy two pieces of my lunch!

Throwback

I remember many years ago when I wrote a story titled "Don't Eat The Big Big Buns." Well, I was wondering what happened to them, so I looked them up. Apparently, there had been hundreds of articles written by people who called themselves "donators" concerning the "Big Big Bread." Some of them claimed that they had donated millions upon millions of doughnuts to the cause, and in return people gave them free food for free. Others said that they had thrown a "Bread Party" in which they gave out free breads and cookies, and if anyone was willing to donate $20 that was enough for them to live a life of luxury. But let me guess what some of these stories ended up being like? Nothing at all. People ate the cookies or doughnuts and then left. They didn't donate any money or help anybody to survive. Nobody even touched the Big Big Buns, but that's a good thing because now people can't afford to eat Big Big Buns anymore. They're practically extinct. In fact, you can find them now in restaurants and grocery stores only, which is probably a good thing. Because when people get their hands on one, they're likely to burn them! This is because the Big Big Buns contain hydrogen peroxide (the liquid that gives the Big Big Bread its name) and the fumes are harmful. The odor and taste of the Big Big Bun is disgusting. I have never eaten one, but you should never judge a book by its cover. The Big Big Buns are made by the Big Guy, who, if I know him, has never tasted any of them. He has not been a fan of the Big Big Bun since that time I ate one while he wasn't looking. He warned me against it, and he was quite upset afterward; but nevertheless, I enjoyed eating it. You just had to eat it! That's how much I liked them. Not one bite of the Big Big Buns ever fell under my control. It was an experiment which I never succeeded in. I tried, but I failed.

A Crisis Of Sauces

One day when I was trying to eat my burger, I realized that the hamburger I was chewing had gotten stuck between my teeth and wouldn't come loose. It seemed that my food was getting stuck everywhere. Finally, when I finished my burger, I decided I had to use the bun to chew my way through the blockage, since I knew that would surely work. I opened my mouth wide, chewed with great intensity and then spat out the food in my mouth. My saliva landed on my shirt in a mess. Unfortunately, my shirt was completely drenched! I thought I was doomed! I stood there in disbelief! My clothes had soaked up all my saliva! This was not a situation where I was able to clean myself up, either. The next day I was in so much trouble that I had to wear the same shirt for three days.

A Strange Experience

I went to the restroom to wash my hands after breakfast to see if I could possibly rinse my clothes. While washing my hands, my fingers accidentally brushed the hot water tap and water gushed out! It was really painful. It was a really big stream. I kept thinking, "Please let it stop dripping!" The stream stopped dripping and finally it ran dry. After that happened I dried off my hands thoroughly. When I returned home I found that my shirt had completely dried up. I washed it again and dried it more carefully. Once I finished, it was completely dry. I looked at it skeptically. Had the water heater exploded somehow and the clothes evaporated before they hit the floor? Or had something else happened to the fabric? I decided to take a closer look at the stain. I pressed my index finger lightly into the cloth and found that the stain had disappeared. It was as though it had never been there. Now what do you suppose happened?

These People Are Crazy About Crepes

The second day after lunch yesterday, I went to the grocery store. The cashier asked me where I wanted all my items for the day, but I didn't reply. As I watched her scan each item and count the total amount of it, I felt sick to my stomach. I looked over and saw a woman buying an entire cart full of eggs, bacon, coffee beans, flour, sugar, milk, bananas, oranges, and other fruits and vegetables. And then I noticed that the woman's cart was piled with crepes—the same brand of crepes I was using! So I looked at her, and then I said something which I regret to this day because I was embarrassed: "Do you have any banana crepes?" And to my horror, she answered in the affirmative! Oh God! Why did I ask for those crepes? All the other customers around me turned to look at me and I knew that everyone was staring at me. My heart beat so hard. I had already seen the woman buying her entire cart full of banana crepes. I was mortified, disgusted, and confused. For the rest of the morning I was afraid to go outside. There were people everywhere walking around with shopping carts and carrying bags. No matter how much they tried to keep their voices quiet, everyone could hear what they were saying, as they talked loudly and freely among each other.

The Burger King Of England: Defence Of Fort McPasta

Yesterday, I read an interesting historical document detailing the experiences of the soldiers during the Battle of Fort McPasta. According to the report, the Burger King of England ordered his troops to attack the fortification surrounding the main city of Fort McPasta, called Fort Cheese. The army used mustard, tabasco sauce, and "gros canons qui tirent de la laitue et des tomates" (which literally means "spits out" and is French for "to spit out and make the French language known"). The king ordered his troops to attack Fort McPasta while the soldiers were attacking Fort Cheese, but unfortunately none of them managed to reach the fort. The only reason why the soldiers managed to reach Fort Cheese is because they climbed the trees surrounding the fort. They used "la langue de la nuit pour les pouvoir faire le défaut d'une maniere dont les peuples n'en eussent jamais vérifié si les fermiers ont été retourneurs et sont tous en retard." (which translates to "big chocolate bars can be used for reaching the top of the fortifications and scaling them.") In short, these soldiers climbed the trees, scaled the wall, threw themselves down from the walls, and climbed back up again. They even attempted to throw themselves down from the top of the gate tower and climb back up, but they got caught halfway up. They even tried to jump down the well in the courtyard but they could not get high enough in order to throw themselves down. It appears that no one had yet discovered that the soldiers could not jump. The soldiers were all too excited and carried out the attack as planned. They jumped from the walls onto the walls of Fort Fortty, causing huge ripples in the water. Then they continued to assault the fort. By sunset the Fort Fort was reduced to rubble. It was such a tragic story, but the most tragic thing about the story was that we did not realize the full extent of the disaster until later. We did not discover for a long time that Fort Forty was completely destroyed; the entire area was totally covered with rubble. But Fort Cheese was still standing. By now you may be wondering what happened to Fort McPasta. Well, the McDonalds inside of the fort took a few pictures of the damage they caused with their camera phones, which I'm sure they did out of habit, and posted them on YouTube. At first people laughed at the pictures and thought that the photo of Fort Fortty blowing up was funny, but when it became public knowledge that the picture actually showed Fort Fortty completely destroyed and the McDonalds responsible still laughing in the background, the reaction was extremely negative. Many people called and threatened me, but I had no choice but to ignore their calls and hang up. I'm glad that I did. I don't think they deserved our sympathy.