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Doughnut Crumbs & M&M's

If I didn't know better I'd say this was a joke! Doughnuts and M&M's? How can they possibly compare to hamburgers? Yet somehow, these little bits of baked cookie dough (which you can easily find in your local grocery store) are considered to be part of a hamburger sandwich. But how?! How?! These doughnuts are basically the same thing as a bun. How can they be compared?

It's called a “double mocha double chocolate cake,” which makes it seem like the doughnuts are a dessert, not a sandwich. But if you stop eating doughnuts, then this isn't true. Now come on! Do you understand me? Doughnuts and M&M's? Really, this sandwich is such an elaborate prank that it's ridiculous. I mean seriously? You can't tell me that you haven't seen this kind of joke performed somewhere else, especially at an establishment that serves doughnuts and M&M's? Well, let me tell you what I saw happen today: A woman came in asking for a double mocha double chocolate cake. She said she had her friend coming to visit and she wanted the cake ready by the time he came. What she ordered wasn't a double chocolate cake. It was a triple chocolate cake. Triple chocolate cake with a cherry inside? Really? What did she do that for? Well, anyway, when her friend arrived, she was absolutely shocked when she walked around the counter and discovered she was ordering a triple chocolate cake topped with an extra large cherry. Seriously?! Double chocolate cake? What does that even mean? Triple chocolate cake topped with three cherries? Is this woman trying to eat a mouthful of cherries? I mean I know there's always another possibility. Maybe a slice of cake topped with peanut butter, but why not jelly? That just doesn't make sense for something like that to be a single mocha double chocolate cake. Anyways, I'm getting off-topic. The point is that I saw this from the lady at this restaurant. And I also witnessed an unbelievable spectacle unfold outside. The lady behind the window started screaming at someone to go away. Her yelling caused a huge crowd to appear outside of the window where she was standing. And the moment my eyes fell upon the group outside, I realized what I had been seeing was a triple chocolate cake. A triple chocolate cake. With four large cherries. And a third of the cake was actually filled with peanut butter. Then I witnessed one last bizarre event. Another customer entered the restaurant. He approached the cashier and asked for a double cheeseburger on wheat bread and a chocolate shake on white ice. This customer apparently had no clue that his order would require two large pizzas, three large cheese and onion rings, three slices of pie, and a cup of coffee. While I was laughing my butt off watching this exchange, I overheard a couple of other customers talking loudly about a triple chocolate cake that was currently sitting out in front of Burger King. I thought that must have been funny and hilarious... until I heard a voice yell out, “Double cheese burger! Double cheese burger! Double cheese burger!” And sure enough, just a few seconds later, My friend, the chef, and I watched helplessly as each new customer got progressively larger orders. Each time they requested more cheese buns the whole line got bigger... and bigger! And then a final person who had yet to order anything approached the register. This customer stood in front of the glass wall that separated him from the cashier, and then he began to sing a song:

"Three times three's a charm,

Four times four's the charm,

I'm sorry, but this is not a McDonald's burger, sir...

Five times five's a charm,

Six times six's a coincidence..."

The lady at the register stared at him blankly for several seconds before finally realizing she was missing a giant order. She quickly turned around and shouted into the kitchen, “HAROLD! Come down here and take out four large burgers on whole grain wheat with extra onions! And add two cups of coffee and one cup of sugar!" Harold quickly exited the kitchen while I continued laughing my butt off while my girlfriend glared at me angrily. 

The Burger Game

I came across a video game claiming to have the best burger simulations of all time, so I decided to try it. After spending 30 dollars and waiting for the download, I booted up the game. The first thing I saw was an advertisement for the Burger King near the end of the menu. I opened the game menu and watched as the Burger King logo appeared above the menu. I clicked the Play button, and the game loaded. There were eight lanes, each filled with four different types of meat. Each option cost 100 dollars to use. On each lane there were six monsters, two with three heads and two with two. I chose one with two heads and two arms and the monster started running towards me. I took out a knife and sliced through its arm. Immediately it fell apart, and I used the remaining limbs as my own weapons. The game continued and soon I was facing an enormous, purple dinosaur with long teeth. A message appeared at the top of the screen: "The game says that this is your worst fear." That scared me and I chose to avoid it. Just as I did so, a purple laser beam appeared from above me and hit the dinosaur. When the monster died, the menu disappeared, and the game returned to normal.

When you start playing, you can choose a menu option and enter what type of food you want instead of choosing a menu. You will immediately realize that you can only make 2 types of burgers: plain white or red with ketchup. You also won't see a menu. If you're playing a game and you have more than 1k HP you can play a monster with 10 HP and 3x your strength. A monster with 15HP could defeat you with ease. The game is designed to give people a challenge, but it really sucks at doing it. I regretted my purchase and refunded the game immediately.

Now That It Isn't So Hot Anymore

There is nothing scarier than getting into an argument with a guy dressed like a pirate, except getting into an argument with a guy dressed like a pirate at Wendy's. That's what happened to me yesterday. I was just eating my chicken nuggets when a guy walked in wearing a pirate costume. I don't mind dressing up a little bit, but it does bother me a lot if somebody else dresses up like a pirate! So when he came walking in wearing that pirate outfit, I told him, "This is a Wendy's, okay? No pirates allowed. Please stop dressing like one. Seriously, dude. People might look at you differently and think that you're a real pirate." After that he left the room without saying a word and left me alone to finish my meal in peace. I ate all of my fries.

McValue

When McDonald's unveiled the McValue menu, I thought they must be joking. You don't really eat this kind of junk in a fast food restaurant, do you? Yes you do, you little gremlin. Now I know why. The price tag on a McValue menu is $9.90, but the McTeasers offer them at half off for $10.99. Plus, most of the McTeasers sell them in packages of $10, $20, $30, $40 or even $500. The package itself is $5.99. Here's a story about someone who decided to try these McTeasers. A couple months later, he was standing outside of a store when he heard the McTeaser advertisement playing. He decided to give it a shot and went inside. Inside, he saw a sign hanging from the ceiling above the counter. It said, "You Will Be Happy!" At first glance, he thought that perhaps the owner wanted to sell him something and needed $5.99 for it, so he bought a pack. When he got home and opened it up, he found another pack sitting inside. Then he opened a third pack. By the fifth pack he had gone through three boxes of candy, which meant that he had eaten twenty McTeasers. By the sixth pack, he was throwing all the rest in his trash can. After that he was satisfied that the McTeasers were real and not an elaborate scam.

My Favorite Breakfast Salad

Forget bacon; I can't eat bananas anymore. They just aren't right for me. They just don't make sense. Bacon makes everything look so good. Banana makes everything look like it's about to explode. In fact, bananas and bacon both exploded. Both exploded on my plate. Bacon went bang and banana landed on my lap. I tried brushing them off, but it was hopeless. There's nothing quite as messy as a banana and bacon salad.

The Hotdog Factory At McDonalds

In August 2004, when President Donald Trump announced his intention to bring food safety to the public schools, there were a few people who had questions for him. For example, one lady asked:

Is it really safe to eat so much greasy hamburgers? Does McDonalds provide free gas for the hamburger machines? What about the fact that you have to pay to eat burgers here?

Donald Trump replied, "No, we do not sell free gas here."

Another lady asked, "Do you also sell chicken?" Donald replied, "Yes."

A third lady said: "How does that work? Why don't they keep the chickens in the kitchen?"

Donald looked directly at her and responded, "Because we don't let those bastards cook our beef!"

Donald didn't know that it was illegal to let chickens cook hamburgers.

A man asked, "Is McDonalds going to sell hotdogs?"

Donald said, "Of course, they sell hot dogs."

The man said, "They're going to keep the chicks in a pot, aren't they?"

Donald said, "Yes, they will."

The woman standing next to the man said, "But they will still be able to smell hamburgers!"

Donald smiled and replied, "We just have to put a lid on the pot so they cannot get their feet wet!"

The woman said, "How big is the pot?"

Donald said, "Well, since a pot of food costs twenty dollars a pound, it's quite large."

And that was the end of the address.

Frozen Yogurt

I've been known to go into a drugstore and take a pint of yogurt. Sometimes I'll even go in and sit down in the checkout line and just eat it. One time I went into the yogurt section. The cashier said, "We only offer strawberry yogurt here at our store, but if you're craving strawberry flavored yogurt that's fine with us, because we also offer chocolate flavored yogurt." So I bought two pounds of strawberry yogurt that night. Then, next morning, at breakfast, I got a text message on my cell phone saying, "Yummy!" I smiled to myself and replied: "Thanks for sending it. Strawberry flavor it is! I'm ready to eat." The yogurt arrived the following morning and I ate the entire package without even stopping to think twice about it. I'm sure the yogurt had frozen solid by then. But I didn't care. It tasted great. The yogurt is my new favorite drink, and now I always have one in my house.

The Chuck E Cheese Incident

There is some history between Chuck E. Cheese's and McDonald's. Back in the early 90's, there was an incident that occurred at Chuck E. Cheese's in downtown Chicago. This event involved several employees that had made a large mess at one of the restaurant counters, causing the owner and manager of Chuck E. Cheese himself to throw them out the window. Since this was such an unusual incident for a restaurant, the city officials took action. In order to solve the problem and punish those responsible, the city built a huge billboard and placed it at the entrance of the restaurant in order to attract attention. It read, "In honor of that very serious accident caused by the staff of Chuck E. Cheese at their establishment, the city has now erected this very handsome sign in their trademark color. This sign reads simply and without a doubt, CRAWFORD'S BURGER KING. We hope you enjoy this special edition of this classic burger. We wish you a great day."

Don't Eat the Big Big Big Buns

You'll never want to eat a Big Big Burger. Trust me on that. Here are some advice for you when buying Big Big Big Burger:

1. Buy a small paper plate and put the Big Big Big Big Bacon on it. This way no one knows what kind you're having.

2. Put your hamburger on the plate and cover it with lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, bacon, pickles, onions, tomatoes, pickles, mushrooms, bacon, cheese sauce, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, mustard, pickles, pickles, ketchup, mustard, pickles, ketchup, cheese sauce, pickles, ketchup, ketchup, pickles, pickles, pickle, mustard, pickle, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles and finally pickles.

3. Put the Big Big Big Bacon in the paper plate and push down hard, so that none of the bun will fall off. When you've squeezed the Big Big Big Bacon until it feels heavy enough, place it in the middle of the hamburger on the paper plate and cover it up completely. Leave the rest of the hamburger on the plate.

4. Place the hamburger on the plate in a bun and put it in the fridge to chill.

5. After about three days, check every now and then. Make sure the sandwich is completely frozen. (It doesn't hurt to add ice cubes to the sandwich.)

6. Take it out of the refrigerator and shake the plate around a little bit so that the frozen bun is not sticking to the sides of the plate. If the bun is already sticking to the sides, then take it out of the refrigerator.

7. Serve your hamburger and pickles on a paper napkin. Enjoy!

I Have A Dreamer

When somebody wakes up in the morning, they usually ask themselves the question: What did I dream about last night? That's a dream that can last several days or even weeks depending upon whether it was really a good dream or a bad dream. But I have a dreamer about food. My favorite food is fried chicken. My favorite dream was probably Fried Chicken Salad with Brie. It was a pretty good dream. I remember how much I enjoyed it. So it seemed to me that the chicken salad in my dream was perfect. I couldn't believe that the chicken salad had been frozen, even though the ingredients weren't fresh. And yet my favorite dream is not that one. My favorite dream is this one. In the dream, I dream that I eat french fries, instead of fried chicken. I always like to eat French fries. Fried chicken is a good example of that. The fried chicken in the dream is perfect; everything fits together perfectly.

But in real life, sometimes you don't even get to choose what happens in the dream. The person who gave you your dream is probably still sitting in his bed, watching TV. And you haven't given him any money. And he won't give you anything either. So the best thing for you to do is to buy him French fries. Then you go into his bedroom, wake him up, grab a handful of fries, give them to him, and then just run as fast as you can. The guy doesn't have the strength to chase you down. He likes French fries. But then you'll wake up. So why should you buy French fries for him anyway? I don't know. That's just what I'm going to do.

It Will Make Everything Taste Better!

Every time you order an item on the menu, look at it closely before ordering it. Notice whether or not there is anything else written in big block letters above the burger, or if there's anything else written underneath the burger except the words "order." Do you see anything that looks like it could possibly be a trick question? Like "Are you lactose intolerant?" No? Do you see a small white sticker with a picture of a baby in a stroller sitting next to the menu. This says, "Order this burger or you'll regret it!" Do you see the word "McDonald's?" Yes? Good! Then look back to your meal! You see a burger with the phrase "The Burger Is Doomed And You Shall Not Eat It," right in front of it. Do you see the ingredients listed below? Do you see any of the ingredients listed under "Mac N' Cheese?" Nope, sorry. Do you see the price tag? There's no price tag. So if you order it, you will be doomed to eat it.

You Know Who I Am

There are two kinds of restaurants in Chicago. One of them is the one across the street. The other one is an old fashioned place called McDonald's. Now you know why they call it McDonald's.

Why America Is Made Of Lettuce (And Britain Is Celery)

America is made of lettuce, right? So how does a sandwich fit inside here? You may remember that I mentioned that sandwiches were made of lettuce and the Americans use that as an example. Yes, I said that Americans used lettuce as an example because lettuce is a vegetable. Now, how did you know that? Well, I figured if you ate the entire thing, it would leave you a little bit hungry, and if you eat it all, it becomes completely full. That's what a sandwich is made of. But that's all the more reason why Americans make these things. And besides, how can a sandwich contain lettuce and vegetables without eating everything in sight? The answer is, lettuce has to grow and then cut and slice and shred and shred until they have the most beautiful salad possible. How is someone supposed to finish a single salad if they just have all of the stuff left? And that's why the Americans are always complaining about being unable to eat anything without having the last piece of the sandwich. When we try eating some lettuce or some celery for the first time, we remember that America is lettuce and Britain is celery. But why is Britain celery? Because, well, I guess I'll just explain it to you, shall I? Britain is made of potatoes. It turns out that we're made of potatoes, which makes potato chips and chips, which makes potato salad. Which makes pasta salad. Which makes hamburgers and hamburger meat and burgers and chicken nuggets with fries and hot dogs and ice cream sandwiches. What is wrong with America and her ridiculous sandwich combinations? Nothing at all. Except they're all so delicious.

Suggested by Todd Meatwriter

Nugget Queen And Chocolate Chip Cookie Crumb Cake

What do these words mean? Well, that's easy. The word "nugget" refers to the size of a nugget, so when someone says nugget, that means a small bit of metal. In fact in American culture nuggets represent the largest pieces of metal on earth, as there are more than nine billion of them around the world alone. In the case of this cookie batter, it is also called "Chocolate Chip Cookie Crumb Cake". If you don't know what those two words actually mean, then here are a few things I will explain: 1) They're made of the exact same type of material as peanut butter. 2) There's a very big difference in the way you cut it up. First, the way you cut the cookies up is called "bread crumbs", because when you cut them up they resemble tiny little squares. This is especially true if you are using a knife with a blade that is curved like a spoon; this allows the crumb to sit straight and makes it easier to cut it up. Then you slice the bread crumb into a rectangle which looks like what you might call a doughnut. (You can think of these doughnuts as miniature cookie crumb cakes). Next, you roll out the dough as described in the following recipe. It is called "Biscuit Doughnut", for it consists of two different parts. The first part is called the bottom part of the doughnut, which includes a layer of white flour. A layer of yeast is dissolved in the top part of the doughnut. The second part of the doughnut consists of the doughnut itself, which contains lots of dry flour (that's where the yeast comes from), and baking powder or baking soda as well as eggs and sugar. Finally the whole thing is covered by a sheet of plastic. The plastic is then placed inside of the plastic bag that holds the entire cookie dough, and then sealed tight by sealing tape and a wax seal that is attached to a string. Then, before the plastic is placed back inside of the bag, the plastic must go through the oven while it cooks.

Is Burger King Even Good Anymore?

There has been a huge debate over whether Burger King actually makes good food, because the company says they do. At one point I said they did, but it has been a while, so I needed to try it again.

When I arrived at Burger King, I immediately spotted a line that seemed endless. At first, I thought it might only be for food items. But then I saw a queue of people waiting to buy hamburgers, burgers, french fries, etc., for the exact same amount of money. I decided that I would order online and pick up my order at the counter, but as usual when I ordered at a counter I forgot the price. So I tried texting the cashier to ask her to send me the bill, and then when I opened up my phone I realized I could see nothing but white text in its message screen, because my phone was dead. I asked the lady working there for help, who turned out to be a guy who didn't understand my situation. Then I realized that was not possible. The place was so packed, you could barely move without bumping into someone standing behind you. I waited for what seemed like hours and when finally a man approached, he asked, "Can I help you find something?" I smiled at him and answered, "Yes, I would like to have a burger please." He nodded his head and turned back to the counter. A moment later he returned with a giant tray of French fries. He handed me a napkin and told me to write down my order. Then he walked away and left me in front of the grill. I was completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the job in front of me. It took about ten minutes for the waiter to bring my order to the end of the bar. And while I waited I tried to remember all of the stuff I wanted on my order, but it was difficult. I wrote it down anyway. Once I finished writing it down I tried to count each item on the menu. I wrote: "Three cheeseburgers, six french fries, three bottles of coke, eight glasses of water, four large bags of pretzels (no bread rolls), one small glass of ice cream." Then the waiter walked away and I watched, fascinated, as the total cost came up on the screen. I couldn't believe it! It was $10.90! It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right at all. It was outrageous. How was the world supposed to run properly if these prices existed?! What the hell was going on?! Why did nobody care enough to fight for their food anymore! Where was all the money coming from?! I asked the waiter and he said, "Two hundred pounds." I stared at it. Two hundred pounds?! How the hell did anyone ever eat such expensive foods! Did people not realize how much food costs? I asked the waiter to go check on my order. He pointed to the screen and said, "It is correct!" My heart broke. I thought that maybe he was wrong, but the numbers kept showing. $2.88. $2.89. $2.99. $3.00. $4.50. $5.01. $6.05. $7.00. $8.75. $9.95. $10.00. $11.00. $12. How could people be so cruel as to spend that kind of money on things that weren't necessary? I knew what it meant to lose your favorite bread tie, but to lose your favorite food... it was unthinkable. I asked the waiter if I could pay in American dollars. "Oh, yes, of course," he replied. When he left, I began counting the bills. One hundred thousand dollars... two hundred thousand dollars... five hundred thousand dollars... nine hundred thousand dollars! I stood up and screamed, "Holy crap! Holy cow!" People turned to stare at me, obviously wondering why I was screaming. I sat back down at my table. I stared at the receipt for several long moments, trying to process it. Eventually I picked up a pen and scribbled on it, as if to erase everything. Then I folded it twice, and stuffed it into my pocket. I called the waitress and asked her to come over. After she arrived I asked, "Excuse me, I can't afford this. Can we talk about it another time?" She shook her head. "You have thirty seconds to pay," she said. I couldn't believe it. Thirty seconds were the equivalent of twenty years. I could have lived without a loaf of bread for twenty years, but thirty seconds was ridiculous. I tried to argue, but she didn't listen and left. So I paid, gave the receipt to the waiter, and left the restaurant without any bread tie, no sandwich, no coffee, or anything else. I was lucky I got $20 worth of food from a restaurant, but it didn't help me much now.

Yum Yum Hot Salad

Now you may be wondering, why should I eat hot salad? Here are 10 reasons.

1. Yummy!

2. Delicious!

3. Healthy!

4. Hearty!

5. Mildly sweet!

6. Antioxidant!

7. Vitamin E!

8. Antioxidant Cautions:

a. No vinegar or lemon juice.

b. No tomato juice.

c. No mustard.

d. No mayonnaise.

e. No Worcestershire sauce.

f. No relish.

g. No ketchup.

h. No barbecue sauce.

i. No barbecue sauce in season.

j. No coleslaw.

k. No coleslaw in spring.

l. No mayonnaise.

8: Do NOT put ketchup in your salad because it contains alcohol, and it will spoil the dressing.

9: If you're feeling hungry, then eat something. The salad bar does NOT provide salads, sandwiches or chips.

10. Awesome hot salads for you! It's true. There's nothing that tastes so good as that salad bar that's packed with tasty ingredients such as onions, celery sticks, carrots, olives and mushrooms.

NOTE: The name is actually a pun because the combination of the words "yummy" and "hot."

The Great Sandwich Disaster

Today you will experience a very strange and unexpected problem. It is one of those problems where I am pretty sure you will not want to be involved at all. If you happen to be involved in the sandwich disaster, I promise you that you are probably going to laugh in the next twenty years. But let's face it, sandwiches don't belong in the salad bar. There are many reasons why they don't belong in the salad bar. First, sandwiches don't have any lettuce. Second, lettuce is disgusting. Third, cucumbers are disgusting. And fourth, a sandwich is supposed to go on top of your pizza. Not to mention, the cheese isn't nice at all. If you try to put a sandwich on your pizza you will most likely be eaten up by a giant, juicy tomato and the crust will break into several little pieces. It is not good for your health at all. In fact, if you eat sandwiches it could cause you to have indigestion. And you know what happens to indigestion. If you have it, you get sick, which usually means that you get fat. And I don't think I could handle being fat. Fat is gross! So let me tell you a few facts about eating a sandwich that doesn't belong in the salad bar. You should eat them at home.

Rocks In My Burger

You've probably heard of a rock sandwich before. Rock sandwiches are basically rocks wrapped into a baggie. These sandwiches are known as "rock sandwich" sandwiches because they contain a lot of rocks. One of the rules of rock sandwich creation is to wrap a small rock sandwich around your meat or cheese. For example, if you wrap your burger sandwich into a bag, you will most likely get the burger wrapped around your cheese. Unfortunately, the sandwich you are holding inside a rock sandwich does not look exactly like your sandwich. The rock you bought will not match the shape and texture of your cheese or the rock you purchased in your grocery store. In other words, you are not going to be happy unless you wrap your burger sandwich into your cheese. So how do you know where your sandwich ends and your cheese begins? Well, that is simple. You should cut the sandwich in half. Then place the rock sandwich into the bottom half of your cheese plate, the bread on the second half, and the rest of the sandwich on the top half. Now you have a rock sandwich sandwich. The way rock sandwiches are packaged means that the sandwich is packed in with enough cheese to make room for the cheese. You cannot cut too much cheese, however. A tiny piece may end up cutting off part of the sandwich. It doesn't matter though! The important thing is that the rock sandwich is sandwiched well in the middle of your sandwich. You don't want anything else touching the edges; otherwise, the sandwich will crumble. If your sandwich turns out to be too thin, then you will lose half of the sandwich. So enjoy your sandwich!

Gravy Goes Good On Tacos

You see, when gravy goes good on tacos it's like they aren't even tacos anymore. They're gravy. And gravy can make you sick. Gravy makes you really puke. Gravy is nasty. Gravy has so many bad, bad, bad qualities. Like, if you eat too much gravy, it may cause cancer. You know where cancer is now? Cancer! Gravy has cancer. So gravy shouldn't be eaten. I have never eaten gravy that was so disgusting and gross. Even though it might make me throw up, I have never touched gravy. I refuse to touch it ever again. It's so, so wrong.

A Story About Tacos By The Amazing, Awesome, and Most Beautiful, Mr. Tic Tac

Once upon a time there were tacos. Yes, tacos. But not tacos made by Mexicans. You see, tacos originated in Mexico in the 18th century. In those days they served nothing but tortillas. If you want a taco you must go to Mexico. The tacos in our story will not be made with the tortilla dough. They are made by mixing corn oil and hot grease together. They will not be made by hand, but by machine. In fact, these tacos are made with computers. So let's dive in to our story. Once upon a time there were tacos! There were tacos everywhere. In the streets, the sidewalks, the cars. There were tacos everywhere. In the houses, too. No matter where you went, there were tacos. And you could tell they were made by machines just by looking at them. They didn't even look like tacos. They looked more like big white squares covered with yellow and green and red stripes. But it didn't matter. They were still tacos. Anyway, one morning a man named Mr. Tic Tac came to town. And his name is Carlos. He has an apartment in the Plaza Hotel in downtown Santa Fe. His real name is Carlos Cucamonga, but everyone calls him Carlos Tic Tac. So that's how people refer to him. But back to the story. As soon as Carlos came to town, he started selling tacos. He sold tacos for $5.95 each. That's $10.00. You see, a dollar is divided into two parts: quarters and dimes. A quarter is worth five cents, a dime is twelve cents, and a hundred cents is fifty cents. This means that a dollar is worth eight cents. So, in this world, money is divided into two parts: quarters and dimes and dollars. Dollars, though, are used by most people as currency. They are counted in pennies. So, in Spanish, pesos is equal to twenty pence. And, if you add them up, you get sixty pence. Which makes sixty cents. Now, this does not mean that each piece of money is worth sixty cents, which is what some people believe. And that's where Carlos comes in! Because the only other thing Carlos sells is tacos. You know, like in that commercial where the guy buys tacos. Remember that commercial? Well, Carlos was the taco salesman. And today, the word "cachet" means a dollar. So, what happens when someone buys four tacos for $2.50 each? What do we do? We split a taco between us. We eat it for $2.50 apiece! That's what happened. And you know what else? Carlos makes a whole 20 dollars! So, in a lot of ways Carlos is sort of like a vending machine for food and things. Like in the movie Taxi Driver. Remember the movie? I forgot my popcorn. You see, I never watch movies with popcorn because popcorn isn't real popcorn. The real popcorn I like to watch is candy bars. I'm getting off topic, the point is that Carlos sold the tacos for forty cents each. So we have seventy cents! Not quite eighty cents for tacos. And Carlos makes a total profit of seventy cents! Wow! So what does that mean? It means you have more money than you knew you possessed. Now, you don't have to worry about paying your bills or having any more money saved up. You can buy everything you need and still have a ton left over! That's why I want you to buy lots and lots of food. And the moral of the story is that Carlos Tic Tac made a total of forty cents while you made a total of one dollar. Isn't it cool? 

The Menu

Here are some facts about the McDonald's menu options. Please pay attention, because if you don't, you might find yourself getting sick.

1. The menu is called "McNasty" because it features a number of foods. That means you need more food because you eat more when you overeat.

2. The first item on the menu is called "Mac & Cheeseburger" meaning that you will be eating two hamburgers for $7.99 each.

3. The second item on the menu is called the Double McNasty.

4. On weekends, McDonald's employees serve you "Double McNasty Specials". These include a salad, pizza, pasta, baked beans, fried eggs or sausage, hot dogs or sausages, grilled chicken breasts, turkey breast, beef stew, French fries, corn, hamburger buns, fries, chocolate milkshakes or shakes, nachos, etc., etc.

5. The third item on the menu is called McTeasy (a McTeasy), meaning you will get a McTeasy with every dessert that you choose. If you choose something that tastes bad but you don't have anything else to go with it, then you're not allowed to get the McTeasy.

6. Do not use the word "sauce" in this statement unless you are a regular. If you do, the McTeaser is going to be ruined.

7. Burgers at McDonalds are crafted with a special sauce called "MooShoo." We refer to this as a barbecue sauce because, according to the label, it contains barbecue sauce, BBQ sauce, barbecue sauce, barbecue sauce, barbecue sauce, barbecue sauce and BBQ sauce. If you don't like the smell of barbecue sauce, just say so.

8. As a result of their success, McDonald's CEO Dennis J. Coughlin is known to refer to himself as "Dennis the Pizza King," and in the same breath he calls himself "the Hamburger King". In a previous book we referred to Dennis and his son Joe Jr. as "Joe and Dennis Jr.," which is another example of using the same name when introducing the same person.

9. There are exactly one thousand calories per serving, with a maximum serving of one hundred and seventy. (There will be more information about this in the section "The McDouble McNasty.") One thousand calories in the form of a piece of fried dough has exactly nine milligrams of sodium. This is enough for you to enjoy a big helping of saltiness and bitterness, without being overweight.

10. The number 10 is just a simple number. It is equal to 0.25 of the height of an object. So that makes the number ten the same size as the height of an object, just by itself.

I hope you enjoyed these facts!

Butler, James

The most delicious meal of my life began on March 15th. This was one of my first times working as the manager of a McDonald's. I had been hired by George, who owned a popular hamburger chain called McFamous. George's hamburger was famous and so famous that it was impossible not to read about it. My job was simple. Get ready at 5:00 AM and work 24/7. That meant getting up earlier than normal because every worker got up at 5:30 AM to make the Big Mac, the fries and the burger. Every morning there were six different men at the table waiting for Big Macs. One of them might order a whole burger, while the others would pick up half a burger. Sometimes they would split a dozen cheeseburgers as well as half a dozen french fries. So that meant that there would always be five or six customers sitting down eating burgers while the rest waited for the Big Mac and fries to arrive. At night they would put together sandwiches. And during lunch they'd put up the buns. There was only one rule: Never order French fries or anything too high in carbs. You wouldn't be able to keep it down. You just wouldn't be able to handle it. We called the orders "French fries" since that is what we usually ordered. It made us sound like we lived under the spell of Hollywood. So that made it all fun, right? Wrong.

My job started off great. We opened a new restaurant called McChicken, which is actually a McDonald's restaurant called McChicken. But instead of ordering McDonald's burgers, people would ask for French fries, and we'd give them French fries in return. The restaurant became popular very quickly, thanks mainly to our wonderful burgers. Soon, people stopped calling McDonald's burgers, and they started calling them French fries instead. After awhile, the restaurant took over a number of smaller businesses that didn't belong to McChicken, including a fast food store called Diner, a pizza joint called Diner, an ice cream parlor called Diner, and a bookstore named Books and More Books. These restaurants were also known as "McFamous." Then, when I started work at McChicken, everyone asked us if we had any French fries. They wanted French fries and French coffee, but the truth was that no one could get french fries without McDonald's burgers. Not that it mattered, though. As soon as I said yes, the line formed outside of the restaurant.

I thought the line would go on forever, but one day, after a couple months of working there, a man came running toward me holding a piece of paper. He looked scared to death. His cheeks were wet with tears and his mouth opened and closed like he was trying to say something.

"Do you have any french fries?" he asked, pointing toward the window of the deli where my boss was standing behind the counter. When he spoke, he dropped his voice even lower so he couldn't be overheard by my boss: "Please, sir, can I take two orders of fries?"

That was when I noticed his name. It was written in big letters on his shirt: JAMES HARRISON.

"Two orders of french fries!" I shouted. I turned and waved at my boss, telling him that James needed help.

"What did you do?!" Mr. Henry roared, glaring at James. "Get out of here! Go!"

James nodded his head frantically. Without another word, he ran away.

McFries and McShakes

McDonalds serves up a large number of different types of French fries. There is no rhyme or reason for all of the different ones. Each fry is different. They range from perfectly fine, to extremely greasy, and then finally there's the regular old french fry, which is basically just a huge pile of grease. When you look at the grease, there's a good chance that a sizzling grease goblin will jump out at you. It's horrible! The goblin will begin to run around and get grease everywhere. Then, it will jump on you, yelling, "Grease!" And then...well, what happens next depends on the size of your head and the speed at which you are trying to dodge it! If you run fast enough, you should be able to survive the attack. If you can't, well, let's just say you might get a little bit greasy. And when I say a little bit, I mean BIGLY GREASY!! HUGELY!! COLD!!! BLISTERED!! INCHED!!! When you feel the grease setting in, and you think, "Oh geez!" you might start running like heck. But before I tell you what to do, I would like to tell you a story. Once upon a time a certain baker ordered ten thousand pounds of french fries and sent them to his store. And as soon as he saw how crowded they were, he decided to put them back. But, to his surprise, when he looked at his menu, he discovered that there was NO MORE FRAGILE FRENCH FRIES!! How could that be possible?! He began to panic and quickly changed his order, ordering thirty thousand pounds of french fries. Thirty. Thousand. Freaking. Lettuce! And when they arrived at the bakery, the manager gave him a receipt with a note that simply read, "We're sorry to inform you that we're no longer serving French fries." Can you imagine how mad he felt? There were NO MORE FRENCHFRITZSS!!! As you might expect, that made a huge dent in his business. That's right. His business fell off a cliff. And it got dented. And then it shattered. And then it exploded. And then it disintegrated.

The Truth Is That Tacos Don't Taste Better Than Rice And Beans And They Really Can Have No Fun Ever Again

There is an issue with most fast food tacos today. People consume them without ever taking the time to chew. Instead of using their mouths for chewing, they open their mouths wide, as though they expect tacos to come out the side of their mouth and fly onto a plate. They do this because they are convinced that tacos can't taste worse than rice and beans (although maybe it could.) When this happens, they simply refuse to try them at all. They claim that they cannot digest them. This is not true. Eating them is actually enjoyable, but they often forget to enjoy the flavors of their tacos when they eat them. This doesn't happen to everyone, but it can happen if they don't properly utilize their mouth. For example, if someone gets a burrito while eating, chances are she won't realize that the flavor is different when she eats her burrito. Afterward she'll probably ask herself, "What kind of taco was that?" If she answers honestly, she will discover that the burrito wasn't any kind of burrito at all but a bunch of chopped, fried veggies that had no flavor whatsoever.

Making A Run For It

Do you remember when McDonalds released the Chicken Big Mac? It was crazy! There were people running up and down the streets trying to be the first to arrive at McDonalds. When I arrived at my local store, there was a line that stretched nearly the entire length of the street. I attempted to push through the crowd, but then a woman said, and I quote, "You're not allowed on the line." I turned to her and smiled because I didn't care one bit. "I'm going anyway." She stared at me for a while, thinking about it, before saying, "No, you're not." I pushed past the people standing in front of the line, and she stood in front of me again. Before I knew it, a large police officer stepped in front of me and said, "Get back in line now!" He gave me such a hard stare, I immediately backed down and moved along. As I walked, someone tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a small sign with words typed on it: "Welcome to McDonalds." When I read the sign, my eyes widened, and I began to sweat. I couldn't believe it. How could he give me a sign like that? I thought the whole thing was a trick and that he had given me the wrong ticket. But I managed to stay in the line until I reached the front almost 20 minutes later. When I did arrive, they said to me, "Please wait in line behind those people." Again I ignored them and continued forward. They told me I couldn't come back until I finished the line. So that's where I went and sat through my entire trip to the counter, where I spent nearly 45 minutes waiting. Eventually my chicken double cheeseburger, with cheese gravy on the side, arrived at the counter. As I looked at my triple cheeseburger, the cop said, "That looks yummy!" Then he added, "Eat up." That's where our little story takes an unexpected turn. When I got home, I ate everything. Not just the burgers, but every last piece of French onion rings, French fries, French vanilla milkshake, every single single thing I ordered. I ate everything! Yumm! Yummy!! YummerS!!! YumYUMY!!!!!!! And then I threw the empty boxes across the floor and screamed, "Yum!! Yum!! YUMMM!!" My favorite part is that the cops thought I was crazy when I started screaming. They began running towards me. But then they realized that I was having a moment and ran away quickly without getting arrested themselves. I have never forgotten that experience...and neither should anyone else! YumYUMY!!! YUMY!!! YUMYY!!!!!!

Glorbmonglous

Let me explain what happens when meat becomes fire. Imagine an engine with 100 million horsepower running and suddenly, you hear gasping sounds coming out from it. Well, that is exactly what happens after meat becomes fire! So when we cook meat, we release gas and steam into the air, which makes meat burn hotter. As we get closer to the cooking point, the temperature in the house rises higher and higher until finally it reaches a high point over 600 degrees Fahrenheit. We call these temperatures "Glossy." Glossy means when the outside surface gets hot and crispy like an eggshell, but then slowly cools down, allowing the inside surface to absorb heat. Then the cooked meat will start to soften as well, but it takes longer to digest the protein because it goes into the digestive system. By the time the meat is ready, it is cooked enough to allow the juices to run back into the meat. It is ready for cutting up or stewing and the proteins that are absorbed by the meat are now ready for us to eat. In fact, once you get enough meat to go around, everyone knows how to make glossy. It's great!

BK Stackers: Bun Burger Cheese Buns

Burger King has released a new burger with cheese buns. These bun shaped, chocolate coated burgers are the reason I love burritos and fries. The buns have a lot of calories and aren't overly sweet, so they make a great comfort food. Try experimenting with different types of cheese buns. Try the French or American cheeseburger, Canadian cheeseburgers or Mexican cheese buns. When you go to burger king, they will try to keep the cheese buns a secret. But don't worry; I can tell. It is pretty easy. All you have to do is walk into the shop. You see a sign on the wall saying "Don't Tell," but then a customer walks past and the sign reads "Do Not Disturb" so they can read whatever they want. This is why the cheese buns were invented. I think it' s pretty obvious that I'm talking about burgers here, so if anyone else is confused, you have to go look inside the restaurant to figure it out. When you go to the counter, ask about the cheese buns. The cashier will say "No comment." Well then, just ask, "What are those delicious things that are on the menu?" They will smile and say "You'll see!" Just be patient. Soon, someone will come up and tell you what the cheese buns look like, but just wait for a few days to make sure nothing changes. Oh, you wouldn' t believe how many times I have tried to make them and found them not working! So now whenever I order a hamburger sandwich, I check the burger buns out. What do you expect? The cheese buns are amazing. They are so fatty that you might turn into a fat, fat, fat blob. You will never find a burger on the street in front of our house without cheese buns. And yes, I know, the cheese buns are a lot of carbs, but when is there a time that the cheese buns aren' t carbs? As soon as you buy the cheese buns, just buy one. If you don't buy one, they won't last. One word about cheese buns: they are so tasty. One bite and you will be hooked on these treats for life. I eat a double portion of my buns everyday! I usually eat 3 or 4 bites, but sometimes I just eat a quarter of a bun. It's a very healthy thing to eat so please stop being such a glutton.

The Best Food Ever

This week I found myself at Burger King. Again! Can you believe this? Me. At Burger King. And this time I won't be buying any food for later today. Nope, not this time. Today I'm ordering a large stack of burgers for myself. Bigger than I ever thought I would see. Bigger than I ever thought I'd eat. A hundred times bigger. It's insane. There's nothing more terrifying and exhilarating in the entire world! Yes! A big juicy stack of burgers! And I'm not taking anything else! I'm not. I swear.

So, here I am standing outside Burger King. It's 8 PM. I've been waiting for almost 30 minutes. I've waited for over an hour! I didn't even get to try any burgers. Even though I've ordered over 100 burgers already, there were more orders being prepared at the very moment. My stomach was rumbling. How dare my body demand another 10 servings of these delicious burgers! No way in hell, mister, I said. Not unless your name is McDonald. Now please excuse me while I run over to Burger King. 

I ran across the street, hopped on top of the traffic light pole and sprinted toward the restaurant. The line for burgers had already stretched nearly twenty feet. But I NEEDED those burgers. I needed them so bad that I started running faster. Faster and faster. The line grew longer by the second, and soon people began yelling behind me. "STOP RUNNING LIKE THAT! STOP RUNNING!" I ignored the shouts of the angry crowd, and instead kept running. I finally arrived inside of Burger King, but there was an even longer line inside the restaraunt. 

"Come ON!!" I yelled as loudly as I dared. "Come ON! Let's go! Come on! GET OUT OF MY WAY! I AM HERE TO ORDER SOME BURGERS RIGHT NOW!!"

Finally, the manager appeared. "You're not allowed to take food out of the kitchen," he said firmly. "And I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to use the restroom."

"Fine! Whatever!" I shouted angrily. "Just hurry up and get me my burger!"

He gave me a dirty look. "I'm sorry sir, but you can't come in here. We already have reservations. Sorry, man." He turned away to continue serving another customer. And that's the story of how I wasted an entire night trying to get 10 burgers.

The Scum Bucket (Or Shampoos)

You're going to need a really big washing machine. Like a big laundry machine bigger than a washing machine, but with no clothesline. It needs room enough to fit six people, including someone who is tall, but can stand up straight in the middle. And it needs to hold gallons of water, maybe five gallons, to fill the whole thing up. It needs to sit on top of a pile of rags, or some kind of industrial waste, like old newspapers, because you cannot wash the garbage off a washing machine. In fact, you need to clean it off first. And if you forget to clean the bathroom sink before you go to work, well... you might find yourself with one big hole in your skull. There is also a Scum Bag containing all the things that got left around the apartment when other people cleaned up. There are all sorts of little bits of trash, old food wrappers, and dirty dishes. The scum smells horrible. The garbage bag is full of scum. It looks like the trash bags from McDonald's and Wendy's, because the scum inside is so dark and brown and slimy. It's disgusting and disgusting. I hate the smell. The scum bag is full of garbage that hasn't been washed yet. When you open the door to leave, you can see what's under the plastic covering: empty boxes of pizza crusts, paper bags, soda cans and bottles, empty cigarette cartons with ashtrays stuck on the back, empty candy bars that have melted and dripped down to the bottom of the bag, and finally, old, moldy food wrappers with dried and cracked pieces of food floating in the top layer of scum. I hate seeing those. When you go anywhere near the scum bag, you can hear this squelchy sound. The bag is filled with scum, and then a little bit gets stuck and stops moving, so now the bag is stuck in the doorway. Sometimes when I open the bag, the little piece of stuff falls out and clanks on the pavement. Then you have a problem. The scum is slippery and will come right off the pavement, so you have to walk carefully because it will slide and stick to you. I hate walking. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life walking on scum!

The Problem With Taco Bells

There is a problem with Taco Bells. Yes, the problem is a big, fat issue. You will not believe how big the problem is! Bigger and bigger and BIGGER EVERY DAY! Bigger than all my problems combined! You will be so surprised that you'll have to stop the car. Seriously. There are so many problems with Taco Bells. So many, so many problems. Why is the Taco Bells here? WHY do they have this stupid, stupid sign out front? They can't just keep doing this! Every single one of the taco bell's customers hates this place! I don't. I absolutely adore Taco Bells. They are the perfect place to hang out while eating tacos.

My Plane Trip

One day I was on a flight. I had a few snacks that I had purchased in the airport snack machine. One of them happened to be a bag of gummy bears. I put a handful of gummy bears into my mouth, and it was amazing. The flavor was so strong that it made my mouth water. My eyes started watering. I quickly spit out the candy and took out several tissues. I wiped my lips carefully, but the tears continued flowing. I reached into the garbage bin and pulled out a large bag of trash bags. I opened the bag. And within seconds the smell of the garbage filled my nose. Oh man, it was horrible! I threw all of those bags in the trash, and when I returned to my seat it turned out that I still had plenty of time before boarding my plane. But when I reached the window seat my stomach hurt. So I went in search of a restroom. Unfortunately, I didn't find one. That day was not fun at all.

Burger King Facts

Some people need to learn about Burger King, so here are some things you need to know.

1. Burger King is the ultimate burger king. When you go to Burger King, prepare to be fed tons of greasy fries and salty meatballs.

2. If you eat a whole cow you get meatballs instead. This phenomenon is known as "burger à la sauce de vache" which is a French term that translates to "salted cow's milk served with a slice of tomato" or something close to that. 

3. When you order a McDaniel's burger, you won't only see one. No, you'll see two. When you order at Burger King you will see twelve thousand, which means there are thirty thousand burgers on the menu, which means you are guaranteed to find one that is particularly delicious.

4. When you eat fries, you will only see four fries. There will be eight in the package, six of which are for fries. The other two have been theorized to be for burgers.

5. Every time you eat a McTeaser, you will consume five times the recommended daily intake of carbohydrates, including sugar. This makes the McTeaser the third most unhealthy food ever made, behind the Big Mac and the Big Mac Chip. For example, one McDaniel's contains 1.4 cups of water or ice cream. Two McMealies contain 2.5 cups of ice cream. And two McTeasers contain 12 ounces of ice cream or 4 ounces of ice cream, depending on whether or not you add the ice.

6. When you buy fries or burgers, remember to get the biggest, fattest, healthiest, hottest, most delicious looking fries. This way, you can save money.

7. Burger King Whoppers are disgusting. The way the grease drips off the plate makes me wanna vomit every time!

8. Burger King doesn't provide free refills and refills aren't allowed. You should only get refills if you ask.

9. Don't touch a single McLayer! Not even one! Why? Because McLayers and McWheats cause cancer.

10. Be careful! If you stumble upon a McBacon in the wild, do NOT approach it. It will bite you or worse, make your eyes explode. It is extremely rare and only occurs once every fifty years, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, never eat bacon on a school day. If someone asks you what you're doing, say, "Working hard." Or simply say "No thank you."

11. Beware of those little yellow sticks that you eat at McDonald's. Those are called "dipstick" sticks. Don't eat one.

12. Don't touch the fries, no matter how tempting they look. They are contaminated.

13. Do not touch any of the McNuggets either. Just don't. They contain fat and bacteria. If you touch one, you will throw up immediately and die.

14. Do not buy any food with the names of your favorite foods in it. These foods should be described separately as "Beef Wellington" or "Gingerbread Man." If there's nothing but macaroni and cheese with your name, there's something wrong with the company.

15. Don't pick at the food on the table. It will contaminate you. If you touch the food on the table, you will probably fall down and break everything around you.

Tossing A Taco Bomb

I once watched this movie called Taco Belly Burger in which it appears that tacos are tossed onto hamburgers and then they're devoured, all at the same time. I've always thought that that would be a funny way to order food. Now I can throw a taco bomb right into your mouth. Of course, I don't want to throw a taco bomb, but you leave me no choice. I vowed revenge the day you stole my favorite burger. And since you are the one who threw away my favorite burger, I have come up with a way to get even with you. I am going to toss Taco Bombs in your mouth one by one, starting with the first bite. The best thing about Taco Bombs is that once they're in your mouth, you can't do anything about it. You have to swallow. But what's worse, every time you swallow those Taco Bombs, you will be in agony. They have a chemical reaction with your saliva and then they explode in your mouth. That's why they are so nasty. You shouldn't eat them; you should eat the hamburger. The only way that tacos are bad is if the person who throws them knows exactly what he or she is doing. The only way that Taco Bombs aren't bad is if you know what you are doing. My theory is that the person who throws the taco bombs knows exactly what he or she is doing and that knowledge will protect him or her. Anyway, prepare to have a taco bomb thrown into your mouth. 3, 2, 1, tacos gone. Now it's taco bingo night, and I'm going to let you pick from between six different kinds of tacos that I bought from the store just to see which ones you like better. So go ahead and make your decision... HOLD IT!!! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!  I KNOW YOU HAVE MY MEXICAN MURDER DOG!!! HEY!!!!!!! Don't ignore me! I'm talking to you! Come here boy!! Let's play a game of Mexican Murder Dogs! Okay, now I'm going to count to three and you will jump on the table and lick my face. Ready? One, two, THREE! Tacos... MURDERED!!!

Magic Beans and Their Uses As Well as Their Costs

Magic beans are very expensive. They can cost up to $20 each. That's $5000 per quart! Of course, that's not exactly cheap, unless you add something extra. To get $5000 per quart, you're asking for five gallons. So let's say we were talking about 50 pounds of fresh green beans that cost $2500 per gallon, we're talking $3500 per gallon. That's $50000 dollars per gallon! Ridiculous! That's why I use Johnson's Magic Bean Marker. Although the Magic Mellow is great and all, the Magic Mellow Marker isn't really suited for anything more expensive than $50 per quart, which, if you think about it, costs us $100000 per gallon—so that adds up to $30K per gallon.

Dinner Time

It's dinner time! Let's bring out the Big Big Baguette. Ohhh...I'm going to need a lot more than two. For that, I'll bring the Big Big Burgundy to start. That one is my favorite. You might even say that it is the best Burgundy out there. So the first thing that you need to do now is get the Big Big Burgundy on the table. You might want to use the Big Big Platter or the Big Big Plate instead of the Big Big Bowl. Along with the Big Big Burgundy and Big Big Baguette, I will also bring out the Big Big Sandwich. No. Not the Big Big Sandwich, the other one. No, not the Big Big Soup, the other one. The Big Big Meatballs. Okay, the other one. The Big Big Beef. Okay, now you know how I feel about meatballs. Let's bring the Big Big Bacon! This is the biggest breakfast sandwich of all time, so be sure to eat something extra tasty today. And the best part is that you are getting a Big Big Bacon on the side. And just like the Big Big Burgundy, if you don't get enough cholesterol, it will taste even better. And just like the Big Big Beef, it won't spoil the texture of the food you're eating. The best thing is that you can enjoy the bacon and the burger together at the same time. That is why you should try it on toast and jelly first! Ohhhh, yes. Good idea.

The Scum Bag Is Back

The other day I was looking outside and I saw a gross-looking bag on my porch. The bag was labeled "Scum Bag" on the front. It wasn't too scary. I knew that the scum inside had been left behind by rats and dogs. I opened it and saw that the scum was all wrapped up nice and cozy. This gave me the chills. What did it smell like anyway? It smelled like rotten eggs. And I could feel that something slimy and disgusting had fallen out of the scum bag. I couldn't help myself. I stuck my hand inside the bag and pulled out some pieces of scum. These were no longer slimy and disgusting but actually quite soft. Then I started feeling sick, like someone had dumped a gallon or two of sour milk down my throat. How could I explain this? No wonder my stomach churned when I opened it. Scum comes in different flavors: white chalk, blue chalk, green chalk, red chalk, pink chalk, yellow chalk, and purple chalk. Why purple chalk? Because that color makes you sneeze! Or at least that's how it used to work. But now purple chalk has gone from being popular to being despised. Now, everyone uses blue chalk, except for me. Then a second later it hit me: It had to be a rat! There couldn't be an actual rat inside the scum sack.  Rats are not edible. Anyways, I turned my attention back to the scum bag. It smelled like moldy cabbage. It looked a lot like the kind of garbage bags the government uses on airplanes, where the name on each box tells the passengers how long it has been sitting on the landing strip. And it was filled to the brim with rancid meat, rotting potatoes, spoiled carrots, and other rotten produce. Oh no... oh no... oh no... oh no... oh no... oh no... OH NO! The word rang through my mind like a siren. I dropped the scum bag on the floor and backed away. It was terrible! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! I raced inside, locked the door and threw the kitchen window open wide to catch as much fresh air as possible. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! I thought as I breathed deep breaths of cold air. It felt so good. Then I smelled the scum again. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! OH NO! OH NO! OH NOOOOO!!! Yuck! Yucky!! Yucku! Yuck! Ugh! Ugh! Yuckoo! Yuckoo! Yackayoo! Yick! Yicky! Yikes! Yuck! yuck! Yackayoor! Yuckoo! Yuckoo! Yuckooooooo! Yuckoo! yackaweeew! yukwiiiiice! uckkakkaekkakaekk! Eww! Yuckoo! Yuckoo! Yuckoo! uckkakkaekkakaekkaekkaekk! Kaaakkaeeeeeeaaaaakk! Yuckooooo! Yuckoooooo! Yuckoooo! Yukwiiiiiice! Eww! yikkkkkkkkkkeekkaaaakkaekk! yuckoooo! eww! uck! Eww! yikkkkkkkkeeekkkaeeeeeeeaaaaakk! Yikkkkkaeeeeeeeeeaaaaakkaeeeeeeeaaaaaaakk! Eww! uckkkkkkkkeekkkkaaaaaakkaeeeeeeeaaaaakk! YAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The scum bag! It was horrible! It was awful! I couldn't take it anymore! I needed to wash it off. I put the bag in the sink, turned the water on high, got into the tub, and stood under the stream until it turned pink and clear. When it stopped turning pink, I washed it out thoroughly. Then I took it outside and washed it in the sun. Finally I decided to use a little bit of vanilla extract mixed with powdered sugar, because it gives a nice aroma. The scent is very strong and pleasant. I like using it around the house. I also love making sweet scented candles because that makes it smell so good.

There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

A couple of weeks ago I went to Taco Bell. When I entered the food court area, I realized that my tacos had been changed into something that resembled a hamburger. "How is your burger?" the manager asked me while wiping the top of the plate. I replied, "It looks like a hamburger, but it doesn't taste like a hamburger. It has too many bones in it." That was when the waitress came by and asked me, "So how about we serve you a free taco?" This time the whole food court turned upside down and I found myself in the bathroom. My pants were soaked with sweat, my stomach was hurting, my head was spinning, and my throat hurt from not being able to swallow anything. That was the last meal I ate for several weeks.

It's True

Did you know that burgers are actually made of hamburger meat? Here are 15 interesting burger facts that you need to know.

1. Burger King makes over one hundred hamburgers a day. That's about twenty thousand hamburgers per day!

2. McDonald's employs six thousand employees and has almost one million workers.  

This makes a total of one million people working for McDonald's, making it the third biggest company in America.

3. Burger King is the fifth most profitable corporation in America, behind Coca Cola, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Subway, Walgreens and Burger King.

4. In 2013, a study conducted by researchers at the University of Michigan concluded that hamburgers were responsible for the obesity epidemic worldwide. More specifically, their high grease content led to more people gaining weight.

5. There are five hundred thousand McDonald's restaurants in the United States, including Burger King. One year ago there were 634 hamburger restaurants nationwide and now only 436 McDonald's restaurants exist.

6. The average age of Americans aged twenty to thirty years old is forty. That's almost as much time as the average person has worked at a factory job.

7. People with obesity rates of 50 percent to 60 percent have more trouble getting enough exercise than people with normal bodies.

8. In Brooklyn, you can find a burger king every three blocks. That's nearly eight blocks each!

9. At Burger King, we get our meals in huge bags. We don't get a bun. We have to walk three blocks to get our lunch.

10. At Burger King, a customer gets one of everything in the restaurant. All food served at Burger King costs $18,500.

11. At Burger King, the employee wearing the uniform has to pay an additional $35 for the employee standing next to her in line. Only employees with higher income levels or positions of responsibility get paid higher wages. The worker standing beside the employee is responsible for paying customers' orders.

12. McDonald's offers one meal for every 100 hamburgers. This is a lot of money.

13. McDonald's doesn't carry the logo, so its employees don't get the employee photo or the employee autograph of the mascot.

14. Research shows that Burger King is actually owned by the Pepsi company. Pepsi has just bought the rights to Burger King in order to increase production capacity, and they plan to run ads showing a fat man with a large stomach enjoying Burger King. This isn't a good idea, as it suggests that the fat man has already eaten too many burgers.

15. McDonald's serves only four thousand meals a week. That's less than the amount of business that Burger King takes home per serving. Also, the company pays no salary. In order to keep the company afloat, Burger King relies solely on the patronage of customers.

I hope that you enjoyed these interesting facts and learned something new. To show that hamburgers are just not worth eating in this country, look at how they eat them.

How Does It Get Good?

When you eat at McDonald's, you might find yourself wondering how your burger is so good. Well, the truth is, there's only one explanation for how your burger ends up being so good: they make it!

When someone tells you they make burgers and fries, you think of hamburgers and bacon burgers and french fries and burgers and fries. Well, maybe hamburgers, but mostly burgers! But wait, let me correct myself: I haven't finished explaining yet.

So, when someone tells you they make burgers and fries, it usually means they make fries. Or maybe not! Maybe they mean burgers and chicken wings and cheeseburgers! (Well, maybe a lot.) They're trying to tell you that they not only make burgers and fries and fries and hamburgers and cheeseburgers and pickles and ketchup and onions and lettuce and tomatoes and mushrooms and corn and potatoes and peas and corn dogs and chili sauces and everything in between, they've also got burgers and burgers, y'all! The question here is, how many burgers and fries and hamburgers do you want? And if the answer is two, what do you mean? Are they supposed to last four meals? Two hundred? Two thousand? Two million?

If we had to guess our favorite burger, that would probably be my favorite: Double meatball sub. Double bacon. Double onion rings. Double double bun. Double patty melt. Double double cheese. Double triple scoop vanilla ice cream. Double hash browns. Triple order of fries. Triple order of French onion rings. Triple order of hot dog buns. Triple order of cheese slices. Triple order of ice cream sandwiches. Triple order of pizza. Triple order of fried potato chips. Triple order of chicken nuggets. Triple order of onion rings. Triple order of pepperoni. Triple order of French fries. Double double ice cream in a cone. Double double ice cream in a bowl. Double double ice cream, double double ice cream...we could go on forever about how amazing it is. And that is if everyone agrees. I think we'll agree. And you may be thinking that this doesn't answer the question, but you'll find that it does.

After Lunching at a McDonald's Restaurant

As I'm standing there with one foot already on the bottom step of the escalator, this lady comes up behind me. She puts her arm around my waist, pulls me away from the escalator, and said "How could you say that Burger King is better than Jack In The Box?!" Then she walked off, shaking her head. But I'll tell you something: she was right. Burger King, Hamburger Heaven, Hamburger Heaven is nothing compared to Jack In The Box. That's a real restaurant where you eat a really good hamburger and drink Coke and soda. They also serve beer, so I don't know what you expect from there! Now, back to the restaurant in question—which has its own parking garage. The parking garage is not very big. There's one for each building. The first one I drove through is called The Big Dipper because of a gigantic tree outside it. That's pretty cool, actually. The Big Dipper. The second one I went into, that is known as The Pigsty because of the pigs that roam around all over the place. You can't drive into the Pigsty because you don't have a permit to park there. I've had some experience driving into Pigsty parking garages, and I'm sure I would still end up having a heart attack if I tried it again. Then there was The Little Giant because it looked like it belonged on a child's cartoon. You know the little girl that eats all of her vegetables and then runs away from home because she is upset about losing her baby? Well, I guess that was sorta like that little girl except bigger. And there was The Lion's Cage because it looked like a movie set for one. I wonder where they're getting all that stuff from? Anyway, I drove up to the third building and that was called The Castle because, apparently, that was also made with stone. Now I'm pretty sure my parents have never seen such a castle, even though my mom owns a house in San Diego. And finally, there was the Golden Gate Park because I guess it looked a lot nicer than The Pigsty. Actually, all of these places are great restaurants, and I've gone to a few of them.

It's Really Not Worth It

One evening in July 2005, I found myself sitting in front of the TV watching television news. Suddenly I heard:

"There was an explosion at the Fort McPasta restaurant tonight. The chef and some employees were killed, although none of them were seriously injured." The narrator then reported that the two employees who owned the restaurant that night died in the accident that caused the explosions. The waitress and other staff members also died, although they were treated quickly by doctors and nurses. This was a rather strange accident, considering that there were many more workers working at Burger King. Also, after this incident, a lot of people began to stop ordering Big Big Burger whenever they entered the restaurant. They had a better idea. They stopped ordering Big Big Burgers altogether.

In the middle of June 2006, I received a notice about my birthday present: a computer mouse. This computer mouse contained a program called "Bacon and Eggs", which could be programmed to do all sorts of things. For example, it could make bacon and eggs appear and disappear in thin air (just like they appear and disappear in real life), change color and texture (like the colors we see when we are using our imagination), create clouds and rainbows (like we use to see on tv), and turn a lightbulb blue or green (just like those famous superheroes). 

Macaroni and Cheese

We've mentioned that, for us, macaroni and cheese is basically hamburger meat. This hamburger meat comes from a cow called "Brett." As far as we're concerned, there are seven varieties of beef burgers in the U.S., six from cows named Bert and Ernie and three from cattle from other cattle called "Nosebleed," Belly Bleed, and Nosebleed Bleed. These cows are called NOSEBLEED BOWLS, BODY BLENDS, BOTH BREATHABLE AND NOT, and FACE BROWS, BODY HAIRCUTS, FACE SHARPIES, and HAIRLESS HAIRSTONE CUSHIONS. When you buy beef hamburgers with beef, we're saying that you need beef bones. When you are purchasing macaroni and cheese, which is also known as "garlic soup" or "chow mein," you need to remember that the hamburger meat is cooked until it is no longer raw. After that, you should probably throw away all the bones. Now imagine how much cheaper it would be to buy fresh hamburger meat for $9 per pound! Then again, I might have forgotten one important detail: hamburgers have bones inside them. You could find a place called "Cheddar Steak" (with bones inside) in San Francisco. You don't even need to call ahead to get the steaks! If you think that hamburgers have a lot of money to spend, try a cheeseburger chain called Beef McNuggets in San Francisco. You'll be amazed!

Food in a Bottle

I don't care if the food in a bottle is disgusting, it is still food, right? So while waiting for lunch, I decided to open a container and check to see what was inside. What I found was a bottle that had the words "Wendy's Bread Crumbs" written in cursive writing on the label. I opened the lid of the container, and I saw lots of brown paper baggies inside. Most of them contained a bunch of small pieces of crustless bread that had already gone stale. I took one of them out and tasted it. It looked very unappetizing to me. In fact, this whole bottle of Wendy's bread crumbs looked pretty revolting to me! It was moldy, yellowed, and tasted like cardboard. There was also something strange going on with the label as well. In the bottom corner it said: "Don't worry, it's still edible!" I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that the crumbs in this box of rotten bread crumbs actually contained some sort of food! I guess this means that it is safe to eat it? Not exactly! I put the crumbled bread and empty bottle back inside the container, closed the lid, then turned away from the window and walked over to the refrigerator. I opened it and found that it was empty too. I checked the drawers of the fridge, they were bare, except for a few crumbs. Where was all the food that was supposedly inside? There was nothing in the fridge. All the food was missing, all of it. There was none of it left in the cabinets, the refrigerator or the pantry. I knew where everything had been, though! All of it was either on the kitchen counter, in the refrigerator, or in the microwave! But it had been completely and utterly emptied out.

Fastest Way to Make a Hamburger (With My Hands)

Here's the story of how I invented the fastest way to make a hamburger. Remember that I told you that if you want to make a hamburger with two straws, you first have to make the first straws big enough so that all six straws fit together! Next, you'll have to put four straws to a straw. Now you try this: Hold three of the straws tightly. Place the fourth straw into the straw closest to the hole. Pull down the fourth straw until it touches the hole. Keep pulling until the hole meets the straw. Then you pull down the third straw. Once you meet the hole, you push up on the fourth straw and it pushes all the way through the hole and into the center of the bun. Repeat the process until you have four bunches of hamburger to fill with your meal. Then throw a handful of lettuce on the hamburger, mix it in, and push the straw in. Now keep pulling until everything touches the hole. Now hold the fourth straw over the hole and pull down with all your strength. Now pull down the fourth straw. Pull down the third straw. Pull down the fourth straw. Then finally pull down the fifth straw. You have reached the end of the straws. Now the hamburger is ready. Throw the entire bun onto the plate. Pick up your fork and dig right into it. Dig! Dig! Dig! Dig!

See? That was fast. Well, my hands must have been moving at maximum speeds! It must have been 100 miles an hour. No, 1000 miles per second! Maybe even 10 million miles per hour!

Pizza Place (Or, In Your Kitchen)

I remember being at McDonald's during the summer of 2005. It was about eleven o'clock and I was walking down the escalator to the basement area when I saw a sign that said: "Welcome to Diners & Automats." So now that I think about it, that sign should say something like, Welcome to Diner Restaurants and Automats. Or maybe something like, Welcome to Diners & Automats, where we serve all of our delicious sandwiches with no bun. Of course, you may have forgotten all of that because it's not a McDonald's anymore! I remember being at Burger King, which was the first McDonald's restaurant I was to visit and I thought, This place is amazing! All the signs look exactly the same. Everything smells the same. There are all these different kinds of cheese and meats and all kinds of fries and salads and everything! It was awesome! I wanted to get in and check out their hamburgers, but I decided against it. Even if I could have gotten in, I couldn't afford anything. My parents would have killed me if I spent too much money, and my brothers wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me anyway. After all, what would have happened if I had taken their advice?

A Strange Experience

I went to the restroom to wash my hands after breakfast to see if I could possibly rinse my clothes. While washing my hands, my fingers accidentally brushed the hot water tap and water gushed out! It was really painful. It was a really big stream. I kept thinking, "Please let it stop dripping!" The stream stopped dripping and finally it ran dry. After that happened I dried off my hands thoroughly. When I returned home I found that my shirt had completely dried up. I washed it again and dried it more carefully. Once I finished, it was completely dry. I looked at it skeptically. Had the water heater exploded somehow and the clothes evaporated before they hit the floor? Or had something else happened to the fabric? I decided to take a closer look at the stain. I pressed my index finger lightly into the cloth and found that the stain had disappeared. It was as though it had never been there. Now what do you suppose happened?

How To Avoid Eating A Double Whopper

We all know that it is hard to resist the temptation of the double whopper. Here is how you can avoid eating one.

1. Go for a Big Freeze: Buy two large cups of frozen yogurt and two large glasses of ice water.

2. Put a hot sauce ring on the tater tots: Place two tater tots on a small circle of melted hot sauce and pour the hot sauce onto it, covering it entirely.

3. Mix together the ice water, the yogurt, and the sauce: Put the whole package into a freezer bag and pack it tightly shut. Once it is sealed in the fridge and you have gotten used to the smell of the hot sauce, open the bag slowly. The top part will pop out easily and that will be the tip. (You also won't forget the top portion.) Eat. You won't be able to resist. You'll end up eating half a tater tot, leaving only one half tato tot untouched. Then you can have the other half tato tot.

4. Add whipped cream: Whisking the milk into the whipped cream brings more flavor to the taters.

5. Serve it on a stick: Spread the yolks onto the remaining tater tot. (It should be easy because the tater tot itself doesn't have a bone).

6. Add chocolate chips: Mix some chocolate chips into the yolk mixture and add them into the whipped cream.

7. Make your own caramel apples: Use a knife to cut four large circles of caramel apple filling from one large piece of frozen apple pie dough. Slice the slices into quarters and scoop the filling into your hot fudge sundae.

8. Add peanut butter to the hot fudge sundae: Melt the peanut butter in the microwave until it is soft, and then add the hot fudge and bananas.

9. Add sprinkles and chocolate sprinkles: Sprinkle the chocolate sprinkled ice cream over your hot fudge sundae. You can always sprinkle chocolate sprinkles over vanilla ice cream.

10. Enjoy: Take a bite out of one of those tater tot tarts. The sweet taste of sugar and chocolate makes it so much better!

11. Successfully avoid the double whopper: Avoid the double whopper by eating your lunch. Or if you feel like it, order one of those taters off the plate. You will have to eat it. Otherwise, it's just plain nasty.

The Sandwich Machine

In some countries, you can buy a sandwich in a vending machine. I decided to try it out. When I arrived at the vending machine, I looked around at the different sandwiches and asked the machine, "How many burgers and chicken nuggets do you have here?"

It replied back, "I'm sorry, sir, that's classified information."

"Well, could you please explain to me the difference between a burger and a chicken nugget?"

The machine replied, "A hamburger is hamburger, chicken nuggets are chicken nuggets, and a turkey sandwich is a turkey sandwich." After I thought over all the options available to me, I finally pressed a button. The machine said something along the lines of, "Please wait a few moments while the system tries to make a decision on whether or not you need more nuggets. Do not attempt to consume any additional food until this decision is made." I then took a step back and waited patiently for the machine to decide. After some time passed, the machine declared that the decision had been made, and that I required no more nuggets. I stepped forward and pressed another button. The machine said, "You have five seconds before the sandwich disappears." I pushed the button, but nothing happened. "Come on," I said aloud. "Give it a chance! Come on!"

Then a green light lit up in front of me, indicating that the sandwich had reappeared. The machine told me to open up my sandwich. After opening the wrapper I saw my sandwich sitting right in the middle of the counter, looking absolutely delicious. It looked just like a giant burger and looked very good. There wasn't even any crumbs left on it. I grabbed my sandwich and quickly devoured it.

Johnson's Miracle

We're talking about a miracle here. The Magic Marker was invented by Johnson back in 1795, when he was just 22 years old. We'll discuss the specifics of his miracle later, but here's where you need to get your magic. When you press the Magic Marker button, this button sends the Magic Mellow out from the Magic Marker to the Magic Magician, who creates the Magic Cure. Here's how the Magic Cure works. First, you need to place the Magic Marker under a running faucet. If you want to get the Magic Mellow to go to the Magic Mellow button, you need to push the Magic Mellow button. Press the Magic Mellow button three times with your thumbs; three times means that there's only enough Magic Mellow in your mouth to reach the Magic Mellow button. Then press the Magic Mellow button three times with your thumbs. If you have any left on your thumb, you should continue pressing the Magic Mellow buttons to complete your Magic Cure. This will eventually create the wonderful Magic Marlowe sandwich. The Magic Marlowe Sandwich is created with a double cheese bun, a side of onion rings, celery sticks, pickles, mayo, mustard, cheddar, mozzarella cheese, ham, and a handful of crackers. It's easy to make and can be served as a sandwich spread, dip, dip, or plain. You'll love it!

McDonalds Makes The Most Incredible, Mouthwatering, Delicious Cheeseburgers Of All Time

Here are a few facts about McDonalds, Burger Kings, and Wendi Wagoner.

1. McDonald's doesn't have a name. In fact, there is no known restaurant that uses their own name! It's called "McDonald's." It's supposed to be a McDonald's, not a Dunkin Donuts.

2. McDonald's doesn't carry the logo of the company. Instead, they wear a red shirt with "McDonald's" printed in white on the chest and the letters "MCDONALD'S" on the bottom of the shirt (that way, people can see which is whose).

3. McDonalds and Burger King are not Burger Kings and donut shops. They are restaurants that sell food. A burger is usually an entire chicken breast, while the burger king is an entire chicken wing.

4. McDonalds and Burger Kings do not serve milk products. They do not have any cow product named after them; in fact, they do not have anything called a cow product at McDonald's. They don't sell milk.

5. McDonald's offers all different varieties of fried foods, including fries and cheeseburgers. Their burgers are called "Pies and Puffins."

6. McDonald's is famous for their famous cheesesteaks: cheesecake sandwiches, cheeseburgers, cheeseburgers shaped like cheeseburgers, pizza sandwiches, and cheeseburgers shaped like pizza rolls.

7. McDonald's does not serve fries. Their fries are called "French fries." There is nothing wrong with french fries, but when it comes to fries, you better eat them the way the chef tells you to eat them or you will end up with a face full of greasy fries.

7. McDonald's does not offer a complimentary dessert. We only get a dessert on Fridays. So there's nothing wrong with buying dessert on Friday.

8. Burger King is the most expensive place in town. They only sell hamburgers, cheesesteak, and burgers that are bigger than their heads. This makes sense. Why would you want the extra fat in a burger when you can also get the extra fat in a sandwich?

9. McMonsters never give away free samples. They only give away small pieces of cake, fries, cheesecake, pies, cheeseburgers, pizza, and cookies. The whole package costs $0.97.

10. McDonald's always has one employee standing guard behind the counter. She wears a blue uniform with the letter M embroidered on her shoulder.

11. McDonald's does not carry a hamburger patty dispenser. Instead, they carry two kinds of bread. You have the bread with your burger, and the bread dispenser has a special dispenser. Sometimes the bread dispenser will have slices of cheese, sometimes it won't. But whichever bread you get in the dispenser, be prepared; the price for the dispenser is $5.99.

12. The employees are paid very little. When we talk about "paid" employees, we basically mean the employees receive a wage or minimum salary, depending on the company. So the average employee receives about $25,000 per year. This is a lot of money; so let's start by saying this rule applies to everyone working under them.

13. McSimmons never eat ice cream. Instead they eat chocolate chip cookies and ice cream, which is basically the same thing as ice cream. However, when I eat candy it tastes like the sweetest honey ever poured into my mouth. It is amazing how much more satisfying a cup of ice cream can be than the biggest burger in the universe. You should try it sometime.

14. McMonsters can't speak English. So if you hear someone yell "Duck! Duck! Ducks!" at the top of their lungs, they are probably yelling at ducks. If you see someone wearing a pink T shirt (and that word "T shirt" comes in multiple colors) yelling "DUCK! DUCK!" at the top of their lungs, it's probably because ducklings have just started swimming around and they wanted to tell the mother duck to duck.

15. When you say, "I'll have the biggest hamburger ever!" you mean your biggest hamburger, because that's what you're paying for right now. The cheapest hamburger you can buy for $1.40 is the largest size they sell.

16. They don't play cards at McDonald's. Instead, when they get excited, they say: "I'm going to play poker." Then they put their head down and begin shaking back and forth. They're betting on poker, so you need to pay attention or they may make the bet with the entire restaurant as collateral. That's why we call them gambling sharks.

17. When you order something from McDonald's, the worker behind the register says: "Do you want your cheeseburger with bacon on top, hamburger bun with pickles, or beef jerky wrapped around your burger?" If you choose the burger option, you will get everything you ordered except the pickle. If you choose the bacon option, you will get half of everything you ordered and you'll get a bacon strip, and that strip is a free sample. If you don't decide, you will lose $1.50, and that's if you're lucky enough to win $1.60. If you want a double cheeseburger or a Triple Cheese Deluxe, you're gonna have to get that in cash.

18. When you say you wanna order something from McDonald's, don't forget what you're ordering. For example, if you ask to get a Coke, the worker will probably tell you: "You got it." If you say, "I'd like to order a large coke," the worker will look you straight in the eye and say, "No Coke." If you want a Big Mac with fries and a chocolate shake, the worker will say: "No chips." If you want a Big Mac and a shake, she'll say: "We're sorry, sir, but there's no chips." If you want a sundae, the worker will definitely say: "No dessert." When you say to the worker behind the register: "I'd like a Coke, please," the worker will answer back in English: "No Coke. No Coke, no Coke, no Coke. No Coke, no Coke. No Coke, no Coke."

19. When you order something from McDonald's, if it says "A Big Mac" on the menu, it's meant to be a big hamburger with lettuce and tomatoes (or sometimes tomato sauce). If you order it that way it will cost you about 15 cents or $5.50. So you better think twice before you order a burger that costs 25 cents more than you could possibly spend on a hamburger with lettuce and tomatoes.

20. When you say you'd like a Big Mac and a Coca cola, do not be confused with Coke Cola, which is made of water. Coke cola comes in cans with no straw in them and is sold in soda bottles with the words "Cola" written on the side. Coke colas come with the words 'COLAA' printed on both sides of the bottle. You can find Coke colas in 7Seven and Soda Plus in the convenience store next door. They're all cheap, and even though they aren't as good as regular Coke Colas, at least they taste good. And since those bottles cost 5 cents more than soda bottles do, you might as well get yourself a soda bottle for $1.90 instead. Just kidding. You don't actually want a Coke bottle, you want a Coke drink.

21. When we talk about the McDonut franchise, we mean every single restaurant in the world. There are approximately ten million McDonald's restaurants, ranging in price from $5 to $15. If there was another 50 million McDonald's restaurants in America, that would mean that there were exactly 10 million McDonald's Restaurants across the United States, making them a billion, three hundred billion, fifty billion, or twenty million restaurants per square mile, each of which contains approximately 10,000,000 restaurants. In other words: McDonald's Restaurants are everywhere. Even the McDonald's in Los Angeles is just one of the most popular restaurants in the city. If the number of McDonald's Restaurants continues to grow at a rate of 1.9 billion people per month, we're talking about a population of more than 100 million people, making the McDonald's in Los Angeles an island nation. If each McDonald's is a planet with planets orbiting around it, that means that every single McDonald's restaurant on Earth is inhabited by one of those McDonald's planets, and each McDonald's Planet is connected to the McDonalds Planet by one of those McDonut chains.

22. If the customer orders a Happy Meal (which I personally do NOT recommend), you have the choice between three separate food groups: the Chicken McNuggets.

These facts will certainly help you figure out who you should order the McDonuts with, and whether McDonald's has any right to charge us $2.99 for a McDonut. Enjoy!