Top 51-100

What's The Point?

When I went to Burger King today, a man was yelling at the cashier. He said he didn't want his order filled because he ordered spaghetti carbonara, which means he thought he had to pay extra because I was trying to eat his fries while I worked. He kept screaming "How dare you?" at the cashier. And once the cashier had enough, he yelled, and I quote, "Sir!" He wasn't shouting at Mr. PotatoHead, thank goodness. No sir, he was yelling at me, a customer. This made me angry. Who does he think he is? A jerk who wants to order food at Burger King while I'm eating? So, I turned to him and said, quite calm and collected, "Sorry, sir. We only serve spaghetti carbonara here." He looked so shocked that I added, "Unless I get another burger. Then I can add whatever." I couldn't believe it! I had never talked back to anyone like that. Never. I was shocked!

Don't Waste Your Time

If you are trying to think of the perfect meal, the answer is simple. Just go to McDonalds. They have everything you need right in front of you. All you have to do is follow the instructions to get a big Big Burger with two French fries and some mustard and onions. Or get yourself a Big Big Burger. You have already seen the difference between burgers and pizza rolls; now let's see what happens if you eat three Big Big Burgundies. You might want to save the mustard and onions for later. But forget about the Big Big Burgundy and just grab the Big Big Burgundie that says "Big Big Burger." That's it! You're done. And now, I am ready to serve myself. Here's your big burger! Enjoy!

My Frying Pan (With Some Spaghetti)

You could say that I was more than a little surprised this morning when I found out that I had fried chicken in my refrigerator. Actually, scratch that. I am completely unsurprised. Fried Chicken? I had fried chicken yesterday. And now it's gone. I looked everywhere. Every single corner of the fridge. I checked every inch of space that there possibly could be in my fridge. I searched under the couch, behind the toilet seats, and under the table. Nothing. Where was the fried chicken when I desperately needed it?! 

Then I remembered that there IS something called a frying pan. I grabbed my frying pan, desperately hoping that it would have the chicken in it. Nope! My frying pan was full of spaghetti. And all the noodles had been chopped into tiny pieces. The pan itself was completely covered in grease. It was like I'd accidentally poured a bucket of oil inside the pan before cooking my spaghetti. Whoa! Did I just spill oil on my floor again? I wanted to throw a shoe at my frying pan, but I didn't. Instead, I just dropped the frying pan on the ground and stomped on it a few times. Maybe I broke it. I hope it's broken. Otherwise, my life has truly ended.

French Foods

I noticed that I have been talking about a lot of French foods and sauces lately, so let me tell you some of my favorites. First of all, we have the "poulet à la mode". Those poulets usually come served as a soup. It tastes great! Then I also like "jus d'eau", a kind of fishy soup made with white fish, such as carp or cod or halibut. It has a delicious taste, especially if it's accompanied by a couple of slices of whole garlic bread. Next, the "poulet à l'ail". This recipe is very simple and easy. It's served with the prawns which aren't really seafood but have a lot of meat mixed inside. It is a dish that everyone loves. I like it when the shellfish is cooked and the pieces are served with chopped onions. It makes for one tasty dish. And lastly, the "gigot de vache". This is a fish that tastes like a fish that gets grilled. It's quite popular with Frenchmen, which is why I love it so much. Also, if you ask anyone in Paris what a gourmet should order in a restaurant, they say: "Avec le crème de pommes fraises".

My favorite type of French food is a kind of pastry called "bœuf bourguignon", basically a french toast filled with eggs and bacon bits. I find the bœuf bourguignon very similar to what I eat when I travel, except that it contains potatoes instead of breadcrumbs.

Bread Is Worst At McDonald's

While McDonald's has recently launched a whole new series called Hot Buns, a local radio station has announced the following: "We will soon have the hottest Buns in America." Apparently, they will be making Buns every day, each one containing 100 calories and containing 1 square foot of air! We have been informed that these Buns are to be kept refrigerated until we receive a sample, and then they can be eaten fresh. They taste amazing. Hopefully, you can have one yourself.

How Many Chefs Do You Have?

A few weeks ago, a chef came through McDonald's. I've never seen him before, but I can tell from his clothes that he's a designer. And what a fashion show! His clothes were expensive and his hair was styled perfectly. He took a table near ours, and I tried to chat him up to see where he came from. He seemed nice enough, I thought. I asked him how long he had been working there, and he replied, "About thirty years." Well, forty years is a long time to work there. I asked him how many cooks he had. He said, "Thirty. Thirty cooks. We've got fifteen chefs, and they all come from different countries and all speak different languages and all have different styles. One of the best cooks in the world is our chef in London." I asked who that was. The chef explained to me that we had our head chef who spoke Russian, German, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, Hawaiian, Chinese, and Japanese. We had our other head chef who speaks English (and probably Spanish, too) and German, and our other waiter who spoke French.

When I first heard about these other chefs I laughed. When I asked about them, the waiter told me, "They don't exist. Their names are just a code used to differentiate them. We don't give them a real last name because they can only call themselves 'our' chefs. But they don' care because they never leave McDonald's." And this is exactly how things are supposed to be. People can call themselves anything they want, and if it doesn't work, well, then they don't deserve to be recognized. That sounds mean, but it's the way things are supposed to be.

The Secret Behind The Food

This is the secret of the secret behind the sandwich. The secret isn't really the ham, but it is in the chicken. The idea is that once the meat is cooked, the fat begins to accumulate in the bottom of the pan. The heat of this grease causes some of the fat to break free from the top layer of fat and fly off into space. Where does this waste go? You probably think that the waste flies out the window like confetti when the doorbell rings. However, that's not exactly what happens. Once the waste reaches its destination—a trash can or a refrigerator—it is converted into carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is the same as air; it is created during the burning and combustion of fuels and it's released when food and water oxidize. The carbon dioxide builds up in the belly of the bird. This means that as the bird continues cooking, more food goes into the stomach, making it bulge. By the end of the process it can take on the form of a block of fat. That block of fat is what the bread used to be wrapped in, and it contains a lot of calories. This fat is called saturated fat, and it's also the fat you'll find in processed and packaged food. While some fats have been known to cause heart disease, others aren't so bad. They help prevent inflammation, increase insulin secretion and reduce obesity. Also remember that saturated fat tends to stick together, and therefore you can easily put it in sandwiches or muffins. The key to keeping the sandwich tasty is to keep it light—nothing more, nothing less.

Slicers

When you get your slicers, you might find them to be different types. Some are standard size—they call them "microwave slicers." Others are smaller, like the Magic Marker or the Sharpie. But all three of these slicers work fine, especially if you prefer to work on small batches rather than large ones. You also might enjoy working with the Magic Marker. In fact, we found that the standard slicer you purchase is called a double or triple cheese slicer. These are usually sold at the supermarket or hardware store. When shopping for slicers, you might consider buying two, then dividing them evenly so that each quarter contains twice the amount of cheese that the previous quarter contained. Once you find the perfect number of slicers, choose one with a high ratio of 1:2 (3/4th of a square inch of cheese) for both halves to cover the amount of cheese. You then proceed to slice the slices.

The Magician

One day I had just finished a movie called Cinderella. After watching that movie, I decided to try playing games online again. I went to my computer, pulled open my favorite video game website, and noticed a Burger King ad on the right. The ad featured a magician and a large, juicy burger with a bright yellow face. The ad said, "Our burgers are guaranteed to improve the nutritional value of your meal, without adding any salt or artificial flavoring. And if you follow the instructions we will deliver our burgers to you within ten minutes. And that is why you should definitely order a burger at Burger King. For the rest of the world, you cannot eat our food unless you eat an extra big meal to compensate for our burgers." I was quite impressed with the ad. So I went on to order my hamburger from Burger King. My order consisted of a regular cheese burger, a regular bacon burger, and a small fry. In addition to the normal burger, I had ordered an extra large fry, two extra large fries, and two extra large shakes, plus four extra large chocolate shakes, one double chocolate shake, two vanilla shakes, five regular vanilla shakes, six extra large strawberry shakes, three extra large egg nog, three extra large milk shakes, and four chocolate shakes. My order also included fries, pickles, onion rings, a chocolate chip cookie dough muffin, a chocolate shake ice cream cone, two pieces of chocolate cake, five slices of cherry pie, three large orders of onion rings, seven servings of chili sauce, three orders of cheese burger, five orders of fried chicken, a salad, six orders of salad dressing, one large pizza, three extra large pizzas, three slices of pineapple pizza, five large orders of ice cream, eight servings of cookies, three servings of lemon meringue pie, eight large orders of vanilla ice cream, and twenty large ice creams. Once my order was complete and my burger was delivered, I thanked my waiter and sat down.

As soon as I sat down I looked at my hamburger. I was amazed. It was not only gigantic but also covered in a thin layer of grease. I took a bite. It tasted great. But then I wondered what else the restaurant could prepare that would make my hamburger look like the biggest burger ever created. As I sat there, I heard a very familiar voice say, "Welcome to Burger King! You're here for a special treat! Your burger will change your life forever." All at once, my hamburger disappeared from my lap into thin air. All of the other food that was sitting nearby also disappeared and then reappeared onto the ground. Everything around me turned into a giant burger with no meat in sight. "Your hamburger will transform your life into one filled with happiness!" A loud, clear voice shouted in my head. I began to freak out because everything was going downhill, and I couldn't understand why. Then another voice said, "It's okay. Just think of everything that's happened. It's only one hamburger." The next thing I know I'm staring at my own hamburger with the words "This Burger Is Awesome! Enjoy!" Written across the top of it. I don't understand how that works. The hamburger starts moving. It starts shaking. It's like the hamburger has a mind of its own and it starts bouncing around as it moves towards my mouth. I'm not trying to scare myself, but I'm starting to panic. It jumps higher and higher until I'm sure that it will crash and fall down. Luckily, the hamburger stopped about 2 feet away from my face and started smoking. It began spinning faster and faster. And faster! And faster!! And faster!!! And faster!!!! Until finally it crashed and burned into a huge pile of fire dust. I hate Burger King.

DcMonalds

What is this? DcMonalds? It's just what it sounds like. It's an acronym from the American Association of Plastic Manufacturers. DcMonalds stands for "Deflecting Plastic Manufactured Metal Products" or Deflect Metal for short. It's not really a name. It's just a abbreviation. What makes Deflect Metal? Well, the most important reason is simply that it's safer to protect a product from metal. When you defuse a bomb, if the metal is hot enough that it melts the rubber sheet, the heat will cause a leak in the plastic sheet and it will fly back and hit you in the face. If you defuse an aluminum sheet with aluminum foil it won't explode; it will blow up instead, which is much worse. So we use the name Deflect Metal to defuse products that are protected. It helps avoid the dangers posed by high heat and the dangers of melting. We use that term for things that are safe.

Was The Crazy Hamburger A Myth?

It was almost unbelievable, I admit that. When I asked my friend to explain, he simply told me not to believe him. He said that he had seen a guy in his restaurant who looked like an Incredible Hulk eat a hamburger that was twice the size of his head. I wanted to believe him, so I tried to see if I could get a glimpse of the man who had ordered a burger. I sat there quietly, hoping for the best, and the guy came over with his hamburger and placed it in front of me. After taking a bite from it, he said, "Well?" That was when the first bit of crazy happened. Suddenly, I couldn't swallow anymore, my throat was too dry, my mouth was too dry. It was terrible. It was awful! And then I heard laughter. People laughing at me. Laughing because of how bad my hamburger tastes. Everyone knows it is not possible to eat a hamburger that large. Even an ordinary human being can't possibly eat so much hamburger, and if they can't eat it, why eat it? And then it occurred to me. Maybe this is why they say a hamburger has nine legs. Because the more legs a hamburger has, the harder it is for everyone to stop eating it. And if you cannot stop eating hamburger meat, eventually it will kill you, and the reason why so many people are scared of it is because the more you eat of it, the sooner you die.

Suggested by Todd Meatwriter

What Would Make Your Meal Taste Better

A few days ago I came across an article by the author John T. Kennedy titled, "Making It Delicious Again." It told me a bunch of amazing things about macaroni and cheese. First, it stated that macaroni and cheese should never be eaten with food that you have already consumed once before. When you consume mac and cheese in quantity, there's a very high likelihood that you'll have eaten it before. Second, it stated that cooking macaroni and cheese requires a steady flow of calories. If you add fat, starch, sugar and protein, that fat and carbs build up, so when it gets busy cooking mac and cheese you are likely to make yourself sick. Third, the author wrote that while macaroni and cheese is a great treat, it is usually too rich or full of starch and has a tendency toward over adding fat to keep its flavor intact. The authors of many American TV shows and movies also said something similar. There is a reason macaroni and cheese is such a sweet treat—it's packed with fat. All the better for us to eat it! Don't believe everything you read in magazines. Try cooking Mac and Cheese again and see for yourself.

That's Weird

When you think of McDonald's being famous for everything from their burgers to its french fries to their milkshakes and their pie, it's hard to imagine that it was actually founded in 1954 by the founder Robert B. McNally who used his father's name as the company name. But the real story behind Mcdonald's is pretty interesting. As you can probably guess, the original idea behind Mcdonald's came from Howard Johnson's in Washington, D.C., which was also owned by McNally. During the 1960s, when McDonald's became successful, the restaurant started offering free breakfast foods. However, the first McDonald's employee was not Howard J. McNally but rather William G. McAdoo, Jr., the son of William McAdoo Sr. His father, William J. McNally, was not a native of Georgia. He moved from Kentucky to Pennsylvania. At the time, Kentucky was still under the jurisdiction of General Andrew Jackson. On March 22, 1819, Jackson issued his infamous proclamation which stated that any person found to be a member of any organization supporting McDonald's would be shot. As a result, William G. McAdoo Jr.'s grandfather, who owned a McDonald's franchise in Atlanta, got involved and helped set up an organization called the National Americanization Association which he created to support McDonald's as a company. This organization became known as the National Americanization Movement. By 1970, the McDonald's family business had expanded to include more than 20 restaurants in the United States. Today, the McDonald's headquarters have a total of 8 million people worldwide, and they have become one of America’s leading companies selling all sorts of products including burgers, shakes and salads.

FRANKFEURZIG

If a dog had diarrhea and you told him it was his job to clean it up, would he do it? Of course he wouldn't. Because when he does what you tell him to do, he isn't FREE. He is doing exactly as you command. The same rule applies to our words and phrases when we speak of freewheeling. This is what people mean when they say, "You must be froye, too." "Frogy" means "fruy" because it uses the word "fruity" -like, the French word - to describe anything that looks good (even if it is a bad thing). In other words, we say something like "Frogy is the best food ever invented," which is an oxymoron because frogy is actually the worst food ever. So, the French word frogy means free, and when we speak about "freedom" we mean FREEDOM. Freedom means what it means: FREEDOM means we get what we want.

When someone asks for your opinion, what do you usually say? Well, for some people, "Why did you buy that?" is the correct answer. We always ask ourselves this question, "Why did I buy it?" Because when one person buys something, they are buying something. There is no choice. If the only things they want are those things that everyone else wants, then everyone will buy those things for them. So, when we ask ourselves why someone bought the thing that we wanted, we must first ask ourselves, "Is this the price of FREEDOM? Is it worth SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS, THE THOUGHT ASTOUNDINGLY HIGH, TO BE FREE FROM ONE THING OR ANOTHER?" And the answer is always yes. That's what it takes to be free.

Rats In My Kitchen

This story just happens to take place in New York City. When I visited the city, I didn't want to eat anything other than cheeseburgers and potato chips. So I decided to order something called "Ratatouille". This sounds pretty bad, but actually it wasn't really so bad. I ordered a little bit of everything, including some ratatouille. I asked for extra ratatouille because the waiter gave me a special price. Since he kept adding ratatouille to everything I ordered, my total bill came to $15 dollars. He added some extra ratatouille because he didn't think I could afford his prices. I guess I could've gotten a free meal if I had given him my American Express card, but I decided not to. That was stupid of me because now I won't get anything to eat at the restaurant for four hours! It is not worth the trouble if you don't get enough food, but even the cost of getting the cheapest food is worth it. I'm sure if you buy some bread or potatoes, you'll enjoy yourself later on and get the same money back from the restaurant. The only problem is buying food with my Visa card is not easy either. If I use the money from my job instead of using it, I still have to pay the same amount, but I can always save the rest. And if I don't buy food that will spoil after two days, then I'm screwed. This is why I hate spending money. You never know what you'll find and once I discovered a huge stash of ratatouille, I almost cried out loud. All I wanted to do was eat it right away and that happened. Unfortunately it spoiled, so after that I ate the remainder of what I'd bought. Now I wish I hadn't eaten that stuff!

Fruit Salad

I had just finished eating my fruit salad when a lady walked up to the cash register and began yelling, "How dare you serve me this disgusting food? How dare you give me this horrible salad?!"

"We don't do anything different from the way you like it."

She shook her head and stormed out of the store. One of the waitresses gave the lady a dirty look and mumbled under her breath, "You might wanna check out the salad machine, it's pretty gross."

Then she turned to me and whispered, "Sorry you had to see that, but she can be real mean."

The next morning at work I saw some of the lettuce that was left at the bottom of the bowl and knew exactly what happened. After all the food was eaten, the salad machine did something strange. There was a green leaf on top. You wouldn't know the difference if you didn't know it was there. Then, the machine started acting up. It started making a noise and grinding the leaves. Then it became louder and louder. Finally, the machine shut itself off. I wondered what was going on. There were only a few leaves stuck to the bottom of the bowl, maybe a bit of lettuce was stuck in one of the cups but other than that I didn't see any signs of tampering. I decided I might as well clean up the mess and put the lettuce in the trash. I quickly gathered the lettuce, wiped the glass with a paper towel, threw it in the trash and started to wash the bowl. But as soon as I touched the water, it splashed right back onto my hands. I yelped in surprise and pulled my hand back. That's when I saw that the water had turned pink! I stared at the sink in horror. I then remembered that I was holding the same glass dish of salad. It wasn't pink because the water had somehow changed the color of the salad to a mixture between a light peach and a dark pink. The mix had been mixed in by accident during the night.

Another Trip To Burger King

After rewatching that ad, I was willing to give Burger King another chance. You may recall that last time I went to Burger King, some weird things happened. But this time I was determined to have a great time. So I decided to check out Burger King one more time. After all, Burger King is a great restaurant, and the ad promised a great time.

I drove over to Burger King, and I took my favorite stool near the cash register so I could see what crazy people would be there today. I ordered a Double Whopper. Then, I watched. A person came up to the cash register. He began to sing. "We have a WHOOPee!" he exclaimed. He then proceeded to drop two fifty dollar bills on the counter, walk away, and leave. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was freaking hilarious. The next person that came in was wearing a cowboy hat, and he dropped his twenty bucks on the counter. When I asked him why he was dressed like that, he said, "To show people I'm a big shot." Then he looked at the cashier and said, "Gosh diddly darn, what'll I have today? I think I'll take a Whopper, because ev'rything else is too goldurn expensive. Yee-haw!" And with that, he walked right out of the store. After he left, another person came in. He asked to have a Whopper, but instead of dropping ten dollars on the counter, he dropped three hundred. "Whoopsies!" he said. He started trying to pick up the money but somehow he ended up just dropping more money. Finally I asked him, "Do you need help with that?" But he just ran out of the restaurant leaving $1274 on the counter. Then, I saw a guy walk over to the soda machine and begin smashing it with a sledgehammer. As he smashed it, he began to sing. I swear, what is with people at Burger King and singing? Anyway, he sang "Pepsi is better / Pepsi is better / Don't serve Coke / Or your machine will be broke", and then he ran out. I thought that was the craziest thing that I've ever seen. And then someone walked over and tried to refill their cup and the soda machine started spewing cherry coke on everyone. That wasn't very fun, so I decided to leave then. But before I left, I picked up my Double Whopper. It was pretty good. Overall, I had a pretty good time, so I think Burger King is safe now and I will surely be going there again.

Mickey D's

For those of you who don't know, Mickey D's is another name for Burger Bell. At the entrance to Taco Bell, McDonald's and Applebee's are located, while Pizza Hut, the pizza place, is on the street right outside the doors. All three establishments are located across the street from Taco Bell. There are plenty of pizzas available in both locations. The pizzas are called Double Cheese, Double Bacon, Double Cheese and Extra Cheese, which stands for Double McCheese. But for you, the perfect pizza is probably Double Chocolate Chip. Double Chocolate Chip is the kind that melts in your mouth. It's really sweet and creamy. And double chocolate chips are just the perfect topping. They're very good, you know. But that isn't the reason they sell double chocolate chips. It is because they're the best snack ever. People love double chocolate chip cookies. Anyway, the drive through of the restaurant is filled with the smells and sounds of the fast food crowd. People line the aisles, laughing at jokes and gossiping together. Customers wait patiently for their meal while waiting for something called a car. Some call this car "dessert," others "ice cream." Everyone knows about "car" because of the movie Titanic. In the movie, there was a scene when the people on the ship ate "car". And that meant ice cream for everybody on board except for the captain and some of his crew.

Does The New World Order Affect Burger King?

When I visited Burger King, I noticed a significant increase in advertisements that said "We Are Going To Make You Bigger!" and "Get a Free Meal!". Some of the ads even featured coupons to Burger King that read: "Free Meal Free $6." And they even included coupons that had pictures of people standing next to Burger King and wearing a giant burger sign over their heads. I didn't really get what all of that was doing here. Maybe Burger King wants to become a Burger King, I thought, but I didn't ask. After my visit there, I thought to myself, "This place is crazy." I didn't know what it was that I was supposed to do with the information that the Burger Kings had dropped on me. Suddenly, a man walked in wearing a burger costume and a golden crown. He stopped in front of the counter and asked the cashier, "Have you seen a huge burger with three sides and a little red hat? It looks like someone threw up all over it." The cashier said, "Yeah, I saw it. It looked really disgusting." The Burger King replied, "Thanks! And you can keep the gold crown!" Then the Burger King turned around and started walking out of the store. When the Burger King reached outside he said, "Bye!" The cashier said, "Bye!" The Burger King looked back and said, "Can I have my change?" Then the cashier said, "Of course. And you can keep the receipt." The Burger King smiled, stuck his fist into his mouth, and started chewing vigorously while looking at me through the reflection of the window next to us. He had completely forgotten about leaving the change. I knew that he was probably still waiting for me to show up at the same counter, so I walked around behind him and said, "Good morning!" The Burger King jumped about 5 feet in the air! Once again, he was surprised that anyone could sneak up on him. The Burger King replied, "What do you want?!" I laughed and said, "Just wanted to see how fast you could chew that burger." The Burger King continued to stare at me through the reflection of the glass, then he turned around and opened his wallet. While he was doing that I asked him, "Are you sure that this is what you want? Is it really worth this much money?" The Burger King replied, "Yep, and I'm sure it would be even better if they sold it for less than what I am paying you for today's cupcakes." I said, "Why is that? What would you even need a million dollars' worth of cupcakes for?" The Burger King laughed and said, "My wife, who loves eating large meals, thinks that my cupcakes aren't enough! Now, are you going to buy your 500 grams of cupcakes or do I get to eat them?" I asked him, "I'd like to buy your 500 grams of cupcakes. What does it cost?" He replied, "That's easy!" I said, "What would be easier than buying 500 grams of cupcakes? Because if it isn't easy, then I really wouldn't want to buy your 500 grams of cupcakes." The Burger King shook his head, grabbed my hand with his paw, and said, "Come on!"

We walked to the counter, and as expected there was a large sign reading "$500" next to us. The cashier looked shocked and stared right into our faces for a second before speaking to us. She said, "Well, I guess that we are ready for you to order," and then she handed me the cupcake form. I wrote the name of the person I wanted to order my cupcake and gave her money. We got our cups, and I followed the Burger King towards a table near the corner. There, I placed my order, paid for my cupcakes, and left to go to my table. After I ate all my cupcake (which consisted of a cupcake with three layers) I felt like I was finally full. At first I didn't feel anything except for that feeling of euphoria after eating, which I haven't experienced in a long time. After a few more minutes, I suddenly became alert. As quickly as I can, I grabbed my bag and ran out of the restaurant and into the parking lot. I didn' t stop until I reached the alleyway beside the building. I put my hands against my knees and tried to recover for a bit. I had run almost 10 blocks from Burger King and now my entire body ached.

I'm Going to Make My Lunchbox Full of Bacon

I'm going to make my lunchbox full of bacon. First I am going to take it apart so that the grease won't leak out. I'll then clean out the insides, and finally make little pieces out of the grease. When I finish making my lunch box, I'll cover it with aluminum foil. Then I'll put the lid on top of the sandwich and stuff the inside with bacon and tomato sauce. After that, I'll put my lunch box into the fridge and eat my lunch. No more bacon sandwiches for me! Oh no! Not only that, but I will also make my lunch box a little bit bigger. I'm going to fill it with chocolate ice cream!

Fruits And Vegetables

Strawberries? Yuck! Yuck it up! Yuck it all up! Yuckity! Yuckeroony! Yuck! Yucky yuckyy! Yackyuckadoodle! Yackityy! Yuckity! Yukityyy! Yukkity! Yuckereeno! Yooorkeroo! Yooooroonnnnooooyyyy! Yeeew! Yow! Yurrrr! Uglyyy! Uglyyyyyy! Yuck it up! Yuckitup! Yuckitituppit! That's the first line from a popular song by Nirvana: "The first strawberries were red/They weren't ripe /I'm gonna eat one today/Yuck!" This song is so funny because in the lyrics, all these berries look the same: red, juicy, and rotten. But that's not all. There's another line in the middle that you really shouldn't ignore: "The burger is full/The fries go straight to my head/You're gonna need new glasses/If you keep eating strawberries you'll turn into a freak!" Okay, well, you've got a point. Strawberry juice does sound pretty bad to drink and you do need fresh strawberries once in a while. But don't eat them unless they are absolutely essential! Otherwise, you will get cancer and possibly die. And even though I hate to break it to you, people are going to die regardless. There aren't any guarantees.

Hot Dog Style

If you want to eat a hot dog, you have to buy a hot dog. But that's pretty self-explanatory. The hard part is eating the hot dog.

Here is how it is done:

1. You grab one side of the hot dog bag with one hand.

2. You lift the side with your other hand.

3. You pull the hot dog out of the bag.

4. You bite into it. (Just like you might bite into a soda can.)

5. Your teeth crunch down on the end of the hot dog, breaking it off.

6. You swallow the bite whole.

7. It stays down your gullet.

8. You rub the hot dog grease on another side. (This will give you a nice coating of fat.)

9. You wrap the entire hot dog in wax paper, tie a knot at either end, and place it on top of a plate.

10. You wrap several more hot dogs and put them in a pan.

11. Once the pan is warm enough, you add the melted cheese.

12. Then add the onions.

13. You stir the cheese sauce.

14. You dip the hot dogs again.

16. You flip the first two hot dogs.

17. When you flip the second one, you should feel something squishy inside. That's the fat.

18. Take the second piece of the hot dog and pop it into your mouth.

19. Chew loudly while chewing, hoping to make as many sounds as possible.

20. Eat the rest of the hot dog in one bite.

21. The hot dog should be crisp on the outside and fluffy inside, like when we buy hotdogs from restaurants.

22. You should spit what you swallowed out of your mouth onto a napkin and wipe your hands clean.

23. If you have the urge to use another fork, then you probably shouldn't try to feed yourself while sitting down. Use your fingers instead.

24. Put the hot dog back in the bag and place the bag underneath the table.

25. Place the hot dog somewhere where I won't accidentally step on it.

26. Wait for everyone else to finish eating before taking your own bite!

27. Once you've finished the last piece of your hot dog, throw away the paper towel that was around the bag.

28. Wash your hands thoroughly.

29. If you need to urinate, go outside.

30. Be sure to wash up quickly.

31. If you get sick afterwards, you must return to your seat immediately.

32. Do not eat your last bite. Do not drink any Coke.

33. Don't talk with your mouth full.

34. When you are ready to leave the restaurant, wait until all your friends are gone.

35. When your friend asks you where your car is parked, you should say the same place as you always park your car—next to the entrance door.

36. After eating your last bite, toss the bag into the trash.

37. Make sure to wash your face

38. If you feel faint, go home and lie down on a bed.

39. If anyone starts yelling or screaming, call 911 immediately!

40. If a fire appears or if your car becomes trapped inside a building, head straight outside.

41. Avoid walking through flames.

42. Don't let strangers touch you.

43. Do not open your windows during a heat wave.

44. Always stay hydrated and do not go running around naked.

45. Stay indoors when the temperature goes over 120 degrees Fahrenheit.

46. If your refrigerator breaks down and you can't get milk or eggs, then go grocery shopping.

47. Do not bring animals into your house or office.

48. Don't leave your car unlocked.

49. If the weather gets really hot in the afternoon, find a shady spot under an umbrella.

50. Wear light clothing.

51. If possible, wear shoes with elasticized bottoms.

52. Never drive without a helmet. It makes you dizzy.

53. Do not eat a hamburger.

54. If you want some popcorn, buy them at a 7/Eleven store and get some out of the microwave instead.

55. Watch out for dogs that smell food!

The Last Hot Food

So, this is something you might not be familiar with because it hasn't happened in real life. You know how sometimes, after you put on a certain dish you like, you think you'll feel sick afterwards? That's because the food you liked was hot. But when a burger arrives at your table, just look inside the wrapper carefully to see if anything looks strange. Once you check the wrapper to see if there are any holes inside, then throw it away immediately. Do not touch it again. You can pick up the next one later at the restaurant, if necessary. You cannot have another Taco Bomb. If you want to try another one, please ask the manager of the restaurant before you make a reservation. They will tell you when they get a break and when the time is up. After throwing the first taco bomb into your mouth, quickly look around for any unusual things. Look at what's lying around and in your salad, and if anything isn't normal, then throw the food away immediately.

Pork Cheeseburger

When you buy pork chops you may remember reading somewhere about the famous recipe. This recipe was invented sometime in the 1920s by the famous American chef Louis K. Warren. Basically it consists of a mixture of shredded cabbage, onions and bacon. If you cut the meat of the pork into strips you will get a hamburger that is very close in appearance to a pork chop sandwich. This was first served near Kentucky during the reign of King George II. If I recall correctly, King George issued a famous proclamation that anyone found to be chewing on a pork chop would lose their head, but King George did not actually do that. Instead, he issued a law banning anyone from ever chewing on a pork chop again. This law lasted for five years until it was repealed. At the same time, the pork chop became popular among certain types of Americans, such as Italians, Spanish Americans, Africans, Asians, etc. Because the word "munching" is written with both Italian and Arabic letters, King George's original words must have meant: "eat or suffer death." This was reinforced when his successor William Henry Harrison ruled that anyone caught biting onto a piggy bank should be shot. He also stated that anybody caught chewing on a pork chop would also get executed if they ever spoke the same language as him, the governor, and President Jefferson Davis. Finally, he created the Declaration of Independence which states that we hold these truths to be self evident. So what happened to the pork chop sandwiches? Well, apparently some years later the laws against eating pork were changed so that if you tried to eat one you had to pay an additional penalty of losing your head. And that's really sad. Harrison's successor, named Benjamin Harrison II, tried to make a law that prevented people from buying pork chops and also banned other foods from being sold anywhere but at the supermarket. However, this law came back into effect when Benjamin Harrison was killed in 1876 due to complications with food poisoning caused by the deadly combination of salmonella bacteria, the deadly red pepper flakes in chicken broth, the deadly mushrooms, and the deadly strychnine. And so, after this new law became law, many people were willing to risk life and limb and buy a plate of pork chops that contained the terrible bacteria and the deadly red pepper flakes, just to enjoy a plate of tasty delicious meats. The people who ate these pork chops lived a happy life.

The Healthiness Journey

Let's begin our journey to healthiness by starting off at McDonalds. As I mentioned earlier, this burger chain serves almost half the American population! And not to brag, but they serve more processed foods than any McDonald's restaurant in America! That means if you order from them, it' ll be safe. If the price of your meal is two dollars for a large plate of fried chicken, it means your meal won't get cold. If you order it from a deli counter, then it means you will be eating real food instead of fast food. And if you decide to order it from a drive thru window or from one of those big glass windows that sit beside every McDonald's entrance, then it means that you will be consuming real food in real time instead of fast food. It seems like it might sound a bit crazy, but in reality, most people would eat a burger from McDonald's just for the fun of it. In any case, our journey continues as we arrive at my local Grease Goblin resaraunt. Let the adventure begin. When you walk into Grease Goblin, you enter a world of color, flavor and aroma. At each corner stands a giant red light that reflects off the walls and reflects back on you. Everything from the red paint job to the neon lights inside of the building reminds you that Grease Goblin lives up to its name; it lives for the red light. This isn't a drive thru; it's Grease Goblin—Grease Goblin, Grease Goblin, Grease Goblin. Once inside Grease Goblin, you realize that it doesn't stop at one of these greasepaints or whatever it is called. Instead, you are surrounded by hundreds of tiny red booths lined all along the walls, which are covered with bright orange vinyl. Red booths line the wall in the middle of the room, leaving little space between each booth. Each booth is filled with the same type of thing: red plastic cups, green plastic plates, blue plastic utensils, purple plastic cups and white plastic bowls. The food choices here range from the cheapest and the best to the most expensive—but that is the point; it' s all relative.

What Is Going On With This Food?!

If the kitchen is clean, then why are there still crumbs everywhere? What is going on with this food?! Why can't I find any crumbs? How do the crumbs get out of the freezer? How do they find their way into our food!? And more importantly, WHY CAN'T I FIND ANY CHEESE?! The only things that were frozen were three bags full of cheese! Cheese!!! I know! Cheese!!! It's not hard to understand why I was so annoyed with this whole situation! I don't have any cheese in the freezer!! And most important of all, the crumbs were not only everywhere, they were also all over my bed and my desk and my chair, my pillow, my blanket and everywhere else in the living room!!! There is no way I am going to sleep on the couch anymore, now that I know the answer to those questions! I called my lawyer but they said, and I quote, "I don't care about anything except to get rid of that stuff"! Yeah, right! Like I'd give them $400 for my mattress!

Pizza Sandwich

There are dozens of pizza toppings available, including anchovies, black olives and pineapple. Some pizza toppings are more expensive than others (but we don't sell them anyway). Feel free to choose a topping that you think will look good on the pizza. Choose one you think will taste good and then ask the chef about the flavors. YUMMMMBRRYSSSSS!!!! Pizza Sandwich is one of our favorites! You just need two slices: one slice with tomatoes, peppers, garlic and mozzarella; and one with olive oil, garlic, onion and balsamic vinegar. A simple pizza can be made by mixing two small pizzas. You can do this using the basic shape and size method, however, we encourage you to experiment a bit! Try putting a couple toppings together and then rolling up each piece of pizza. YUUUUMMMMBRRYSSSS!!!

Please Give Me One Fried Flake

So what does this food do? Basically, this food is what you would get if you ordered two free fries and left out one. Or three fries if you added five extra calories for every serving. Or four free fries if you add twenty. Or six free fries if you added five servings of cheese. And that's just the tip of the iceberg! You know how many calories a single fry costs? That's right. It's a thousand dollars! The reason people don't order this food anymore is because they're worried about the cost.

$25 Bacon McFlurry, $27 Chicken McSausage with Bacon McBurger, 2% of Extra Macaroni and Cheese

The next time you order McFlurry with bacon and sausage, remember that your burger is on a diet. If you ever ordered another McFlurry, you'd be a fool. In fact, if you got a McChicken or chicken sandwich, you might as well forget about eating any McFlurry. Even if you decide to eat some, your stomach will revolt and throw up all over you. You'll be sick for two hours straight, vomiting up whatever you ate. That's not fun. But you can't stop there. You must have more. You'll also be feeling nauseous. After eating your McFlurry and getting rid of the food inside of you, you will suddenly feel thirsty and will try to chug down the entire bottle of soda. That's it. That's the worst you can do! Try not to choke or drown yourself. You're still young enough that this won't happen to you until later in life. Right? Right. (Yes.)

Cheesy King Whopper

Yeah, I know. That sounds pretty funny doesn't it? How could anybody love cheesy king whoppers that taste like wet cement? You can see it for yourself if you go out into the restaurant. People love eating those kinds of cheesy burgers, so I guess that means they REALLY LOVE DINING IN CHOWDER DUMPSTER ROOMS AT NIGHT! Hahaha! I am going to have some serious fun with the cheesy king whoppers of America! Cheesy king whoppers with ketchup! Oh wait! No, the ketchup is gone. Maybe we can still get ketchup instead? That's okay. I just need some ketchup. A LOT of ketchup. Oh wait! I've run out. Guess I'll just have to drink milk from now on. Oh yeah!

Yucky Milk

If there is one thing I hated more than other cereal, it was yucky milk. Yuck. I could barely stomach any. Whenever I saw something labeled "Yuck" I just rolled my eyes and threw up all over the kitchen floor. It was so gross. It was so bad. YUCK. Yuck it up. Yuck it all up!

Filet O Fish with Fried Rice and Salsa Verde

McDonalds just unveiled a salad bar. Now, I'm not one for salad, but I love putting fried rice and salsa verde on my Filet O Fish. That's right—filet mignon. Filet mignon comes from french fries, fried chicken, and tuna steaks. It's delicious and it's cheap. You can get it for $2.95 per ounce in most supermarkets. I like a filet mignon with salsa verde served on French toast. It takes four steaks and fries, and the chef chops them into thin, delicate strips of raw fish. You may think I've been exaggerating, and I won't deny that I have, but I promise you that I have seen it in action. It's pretty impressive. Just put the sliced steak on each plate and sprinkle a few extra croutons around them. And enjoy!

Cutting The Bacon With A Knife

On May 11th, 2006, I received a phone call from an anonymous person asking for a cut of bacon (with an egg) in exchange for $100. At first I refused the request because the number belonged to a burner cell phone which cost $50 each month. However, when I saw the name on the caller ID, I realized I couldn't refuse any longer since it was a direct line to McDonald's. So, after consulting the online newspaper I discovered that in August 2011 an employee named Thomas Johnson was granted a cut of bacon (with an egg), the same amount of money as the anonymous caller mentioned by the caller ID.

The Devil's Pizza Shop

One day a devil's pizza shop caught my attention. It was called Devil's Pizza. I saw all these people standing around inside. Some of them were dressed in black suits, some were wearing dark sunglasses, and some were in suits but not the suits that I would see on television. Then, I decided to take a stroll inside the Devil's Pizza Shop. When I entered the restaurant, every single person in the place turned towards me and smiled, and all of them spoke. One man said, "Hi there!" Another guy said, "Hey buddy!" And another guy said, "Are you lost?" Finally a woman came over, smiled brightly, and held out a piece of paper with my orders printed on it. She asked me if I wanted my name written on it, and when I nodded, she said, "Just sign this please." I quickly signed my name. As I waited for her to return with my receipt, I glanced through the menu and ordered a pepperoni, mushroom, spinach, mushroom, and tomato sandwich, medium cheeseburger with extra onions, french fries, ketchup, lettuce, mayo, bacon, and lettuce. The lady returned, took my receipt, and told me, "Enjoy your lunch." Before I knew it, she returned with my food, put it on my tray, took my money, and then walked off. I looked down and saw that my food was still alive; it wasn't burnt yet. I picked up my food and started walking away. However, I bumped into someone. "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Pepperoni,” I said. He chuckled and looked me straight in the eye and said, "I am not Mr. Pepperoni, sir. It's Mr. Fudge, but please call me Mr. Fudge." I was surprised. He seemed so friendly that I did not expect him to be such a jerk. He laughed and said, "You must be pretty confused. Well, have a wonderful day, sir!” Then he walked off.

Cheese Crisps

How many times must I tell you? Cheese has no nutritional value whatsoever. In fact, it is actually harmful. Cheese contains calcium, magnesium, B vitamins, B12, iron, potassium, and iron. Cheese contains fat. Cheese contains sodium. Cheese has no nutritional value whatsoever. Just fantastic. Just marvelous. Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic. Just fantastic. Simply marvelous. Simply wondrous. Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! Truly glorious! Oh, and cheese is also extremely high in cholesterol. That is absolutely disgusting. No wonder it's the most dreaded food of all times. No wonder it makes your skin feel like it has been burned by acid rain.

Sour Milk

There is a sour milk vending machine located at the grocery store. It looks like a giant watermelon with a hole in the top. Inside is a tube of Sour Milk with milk that comes from a cow. If you open the lid you will find the tube filled with a creamy white substance. You can also take a sip if you like it. It's pretty great. However, the price of Sour Milk is high. $5 per bottle is $2.99. That's not enough for some. It's a little bit expensive for me to buy some, but you can use the rest in place of a meal. You could also go ahead and try some Sour Milk at your local Dunkin' Donuts. You could also get one if you go to a store called Supermarket. That one will cost $9.50, though you could also get two bottles of the cheap stuff at a dollar a pop. Sour Milk is disgusting. It's a waste of money. It will ruin your digestion. I have read that Sour Milk contains all sorts of chemicals which will damage your body tissues. I hope you are taking all this information with a grain of salt because Sour Milk is a horrible, disgusting food. If you go to Dunkin' Donuts and order some of those sour milk drinks, they will be serving three straws. If they ask you to pay with cash you will have to take a bill out of your wallet. But don't worry, they don't care. They just give you your drink without asking for ID. They might even spit in your drink. But if you don't like that option, then there is another way to get rid of the foul taste that Sour Milk brings with it. It makes you nauseous when you take a drink, because the bitter taste in your mouth is the bad part. But, if you drink it in small sips and slowly chew on the straws, the bitterness will disappear very quickly. By the time you finish drinking all you need to be able to enjoy your meal is that tiny sip you just gave yourself and then a few more until you can finish the rest of the soda and fries. Then you can enjoy eating the rest of your meal. After you've finished your meal and cleaned up the mess you made, the Sour Milk will be the best snack ever!

How to Tell If Your Meal Is Ready

There are a lot of ways that you can tell how a meal is ready. For example, there are all sorts of indicators that point to a meal being ready. People tend to look hungry when they're hungry, but they're often hungry because they just stuffed something down their throats. Hungry people eat more than their fair share of food. A big bowl of ice cream makes them feel full while the bowl of chicken strips and mashed potatoes makes them hungry again. You should pay attention to these indicators and remember to order the meal after it is served. It may take them longer to finish eating the meal that they ordered, but it takes no longer than 5 minutes to order a meal. Once you're seated, start eating the meal immediately.

I Need Some Water

Okay. Here comes the real kicker. Here's the best bit. I've come up with a new way to make myself sick and yet I'm still alive. It's called water purification. I have a bucket of water, and I put a little plastic bag filled with water around my head and down my neck. Then I wash myself in the water. This is what makes water purification so awesome. It is awesome and beautiful. It is awesome and powerful. It is awesome and amazing and wonderful and fantastic.

It Was Funnier When You Were Eating Soup

Do you remember when I ate soup? Oh man! What a fun time that was! I mean, you probably weren't even there when it happened. Probably you were watching Netflix or reading or whatever, which made it even funnier to eat soup. But anyway, once I finished my soup, I ate some macaroni and cheese to finish it off, and voila! Instant food coma! I didn't wake up until the next day. Then my stomach did flips and somersaults.

Strawberries

We need a bunch of strawberries for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack time, right? Well, if you're planning to make a pie or cake during breakfast or lunch, I recommend getting as many of the berries as possible. Just cut up enough berries for three dozen strawberries or less. Don't cut yourself. Don't cut anything you shouldn'a cut. We all know what happened last week. Strawberry juice was everywhere. So don't cut. It's just too easy for strawberries to die, so they need to remain whole. You don't want any dead strawberry, do ya? And don't worry, you won't miss out on any good flavor if you keep the strawberries in a clean place. They should always be surrounded by a thick layer of dirt or grass. A clean place is where you pick and choose the fruit that suits your tastes. For example, my friend's wife picked a large ripe berry every day when she went shopping in her garden. She wanted something to bring home for dessert. She didn't even care if the strawberries turned into mush or not. My point is, the best strawberry pickers aren't looking for their favorites. They're looking for the best ones to take home for dinner.

Where's Free Tofu Wrapped?: How to Use Up Your Free Tofu Wraps!

The answer to all of those questions lies somewhere in the FREE TOFU WRAPS section. I don't own the store, so I couldn't say exactly where they are (but trust me, it doesn't work for me), but if you look for FREE TOFU WRAPS on the bottom shelf of the produce aisle of your local grocery store, it's right beneath the bananas. And, of course, on the top shelf, right between the apples and oranges. If you don't spot FREE TOFU WRAPS immediately, you probably haven't found them yet. That's okay. When you find them, you will definitely recognize the packaging because the package is labeled FREE TOFU WRAPS with a logo that reads FREE TOFU WRAPS IN CAPER SAUCE. And you will notice that, along with FREE TOFU WRAPS, there is a large red FREE TOFU WRAPP underneath it.

Now then, before I open the package, take some time to review some basic instructions for taking care of FREE TOFU WRAPS. Take this:

1. Cut off each side of the box with a pair of scissors and rip down both sides of the cardboard to expose the bottom side of the box. (That way you don't tear open the cardboard).

2. Lay down two pieces of paper, preferably clean, flat, and clear, next to the box. You can then cut out a piece each from the top corners of each sheet of paper.

3. Flip these papers over to read them. Don't worry, they aren't instructions. Just write down the name of your favorite dessert, movie star, etc., in block letters, and fold each of the squares neatly over the names so they are in the proper positions.

4. Then carefully fold the tops of each square so that the edges meet evenly and are level. You might have to hold them down with your fingertips at first so they can flatten completely on top and remain folded. If they don't, it could hurt you!

5. Once you're finished with the instructions, fold your sheets up and return them to the box. If you have to leave a bit early and end up needing to take care of some business, you might also want to leave the box on your desk, so you can pick it up after you are done.

A Bad Time At Burger King

Today I went to Burger King, and I had a bad time. When I arrived, the first customer I saw was a woman who insisted on ordering one of the Big Macs. When I tried to tell her that there were no Big Macs served at Burger King, she told me to, and I quote, "Shut your pie hole!" She also demanded that I give her two of my fries because she didn't believe I had any money. When I gave her my fries, she took them, tore them apart, tossed them into her mouth, and crunched loudly, almost destroying the entire McDonald's inside her mouth. She then said, "I hope you have the most horrible day you ever had in your life today and don't come back tomorrow!" And then she walked away. And I couldn't blame her. The fries were horrible, but the burger she was eating was even worse. How could you say that I didn't have money! I was lucky to buy two pieces of my lunch!

The Debate

My friend once asked me, "Does a straw have one hole or two?" Well, that seems impossible. I said, "Of course it has two holes, a hole in the top to catch water and another hole in the bottom that lets the air out." I mean, that is one way to do it. But she said, "No, no. Do you see the way my straw goes through? It's got a hole on the other end." She was totally serious, as you can imagine. So now I ask myself: Is there someplace in the world where a person can cut holes in a stick and then have the hole underneath turn into a handle? That would be really cool! And it wouldn't hurt anyone, because all the plastic parts around the stick would melt. No matter how many holes you add to the straw, there will always be one hole in the straw. The question is whether you can count those holes or not. I am not a hundred percent sure about the latter part of his statement either! But I can promise you that if you ask anyone that question, they will tell you: Yes, there are 5 holes in a straw. There are 15 holes on a stick. There are 50 holes in a ball. There is 100 holes on a stick. And there are 10 holes on the straw! There are 9 holes on the top, 8 holes on the bottom, and 8 holes in the middle! All of these holes have a hole in the middle and another hole on each side. But I digress! My point being that there are 6 holes on a stick, 10 holes on the bottom, 4 holes on the top, and 1 hole on each side. Now, how long will it take to get the hole in each side of the straw? About half a second. Half a second?! Can we get faster? Absolutely. The fastest speed you can go is 100 mph. You could get to Paris in 2 seconds and back again in 20 seconds! A new toy called a bumper car would be faster than that. The fastest speeds on your television were only 40 mph. How does that help us solve our food problem? Because cars don't have any holes in them! See? You have a choice between fast and slow. Speed is good. Let me show you the fastest way that I can make a hamburger, with my hands.

Pizza Pie

Yeah, yeah. Pizza pie is the greatest food ever. Everyone likes pizza. Except me. I am definitely against pizza. For the simple reason that it's so greasy and oily and contains such a lot of fat. I mean, come on! How does anyone like pizza? I bet most pizza lovers wouldn't even like their own pizza if someone was trying to poison them, you know? Yeah! I'm saying it in the nicest possible way. Well, maybe I wouldn't say it in a nicer way if someone tried to poison me. But anyways, pizza isn't the best thing for breakfast and dinner. I guess it depends on what you're eating for breakfast and dinner today. Pancakes, omelets, scrambled eggs, and French toast for breakfast are always fine. Sometimes I like them with bacon. Bacon is delicious. Bacon is awesome. Bacon is great. Pancakes are totally not. Pancakes are also disgusting. Bacon is also really messy. Pancakes don't look good even when they're clean. Pancakes look really gross with a little bit of cream cheese and some ham. Bacon looks really weird with butter. It's just plain weird. Pancake bread is the same way. Pancake bread can be used anywhere you want. Pancake bread is wonderful, but pancakes are a terrible idea. Pancakes are disgusting. I would rather watch soap operas in bed and eat popcorn than eat pancakes.

The Most Disgusting Burger You'll Never Eat in Your Life

Burgers are generally pretty good. However, this is the exception. These hamburgers were absolutely disgusting. I mean, they probably didn't even taste gross before they hit the hot grill, but now they were gross. Grosser than gross. Absolutely nasty. Like a bunch of slugs wrapped in mud. The most disgusting thing about this burger was the amount of fat coating it all over. It made it impossible for me to swallow it, let alone enjoy it. The biggest problem I faced was getting it down my throat quickly. I tried chewing it like a dog, but somehow it just stuck in my throat. So I spat it back out. Then I choked on it until I puked it all up. I can't even tell you how many calories I spent throwing up. It's just a lot. I lost count at fifty percent.

A New Plan: Find Your Inner Monster

If the monster inside you tells you to eat more fries, then there's gonna be a problem. After all, what kind of monster does that make you? What kind of monster eats too many fries for breakfast every morning? Well, what does it take to break free of that monster? One thing I learned from watching a lot of TV shows is to always listen to your inner monster and change the channel whenever it goes crazy in here. For instance:

"How does it taste?"

"Do you need another slice of onion?"

"Don't eat too many carrots."

"Can you handle it?"

This is how you should always respond to the monsters in our brains. If they say "No" or "No, thanks," they're lying; if they say "Yes, thank you," it means they think it will do them some good; if they say "No," it means they're telling you they really don't want to eat it. So don't worry; they won't kill you if you just ignore them and follow the script. It takes more strength than you'd think to turn down a good snack—even though you're starving.

THE GREAT MOOFOE: HOW MANY TYPES OF GREASY, CHEAP MILKSHOP MACS ARE THERE?

Milkshop Macs. What a gross, disgusting, horrible, repulsive, terrible food. I mean, really! How can anyone possibly enjoy that kind of disgusting thing?! This is what scientists are referring to as The Great Moofoe. It refers to one million milk cartons that have been sold every year since 1891 and each year they're sold out and replaced daily. Milk shops sell about 50 million gallons a year, so how many of them are filled with milk every morning and evening? About 2 to 3 million! Think about that for a minute. 2. Million. Milkshop Macs. The great moofoe! Every time Milkmen open their doors, their business is swamped with thousands upon thousands of gallons of milk, and every time one of those milk trucks is parked outside, more milk spills onto the street. How ridiculous is that?!

You may be wondering what exactly a Milkshop Mac is, and I will tell you. A Milkshop Mac contains milk from eight distinct brands: Lucky Milk, Cheez Whiz, Miracle Milk, Gourmet Milk, and the New York Times Best Milk. These cheeseburgers come with cheese fries, cheese slices, cheesy lettuce leaves, cheese ketchup, onion slices, and chopped tomatoes. When they serve these milkshakes on their milkshake straws, they also serve fries, and in addition, when they add cream cheese and pickles, we get whipped cream, cheese, olives, sliced tomatoes, shredded cheese, shredded lettuce, pickle juice, cheese ketchup, chopped onions, fried potatoes, onions and cheese in various forms, sliced celery tops, lettuce leaves, onions, diced tomatoes and pickles, cheese cheese ketchup, mustard, sour cream, relish, sliced green onions, chopped lettuce, cheese slices, and chopped tomatoes and pickles.

These Discounts Are Horrible

I have been seeing coupons all over the place that promise cheap discount coupons for something that is supposed to be free. But when you read the fine print, you realize there are coupons for something like a coupon for three dollars for something that is actually worth five dollars. I cannot figure out why everyone wants discounted coupons. I don't care if someone is selling something that isn't actually worth anything or if they're just trying to scam somebody. Cheap coupons don't do anyone any favors. They're just an excuse for people to use coupons that have expired to do something that's not actually useful at all. I know you are probably thinking, "I'm gonna need a refund on this, buddy." Sorry! Not today. I've got $5,000 in my pocket and there is no refund coming.

101 Famous Moo Goong Eggs

(They're not called the Eggnog Eggnogs. They're simply called eggs.)

You will never find a better eggnog than the ones at McDonald's. They come in different sizes and shapes, and you always seem to find one that is smaller than the other. You won't be able to finish it all by yourself! But if you order one eggnog, you'll love it more than your original meal, regardless of size. For example, take your first Eggnog Eggnog, or even just the second one.

Here's what happens when you order them:

1. You see a picture of a duck wearing an orange sweater and carrying a bag of groceries. He says to someone behind him, "Can we please hurry up?"

2. You hear that someone in the background asks, "Can he really wear that much potato in a sack?"

3. A cashier walks out from behind the counter and says, "The Eggnog Eggnogs for $6.95!"

4. A family rushes past screaming as fast as their feet will go. An old man holds his handkerchief to his face and tries his best not to run while holding on to his grocery cart. Another guy yells, "I'm gonna pee my pants!"

5. You hear the cashier ask, "Is that all?"

6. "YEAH!" everyone in the line yells back at him. Then the line moves forward.

The End! You can eat your Eggnog Eggnogs, but only if you buy three!

Granola

I never understood how granola could be considered breakfast. Granola can hardly qualify as a "real" breakfast food. It's practically useless when you're trying to keep your energy up. You need real food. Real food should consist of fruits and berries. Real food should contain protein, vitamins, minerals, and carbs. Actual food consists of processed foods. Real food does NOT consist of granola! That stuff just sits there waiting for its chance to be cooked. Not that it actually cooks anything. It just sits there for god knows how long. When you eat granola, that means you eat raw. It's not meant to be heated up. You don't use real coffee grounds (or tea bags), and you definitely do not add salt. All granola is good for is sitting around waiting to be eaten. And you probably shouldn't touch it if you can avoid it.