Flamingo

First of all, you must remember that Flamingo Beefballs are a type of cheese—a hamburger sandwich made from real cheese, not processed cheese. You might be wondering why we make such a strange sandwich, but believe me, there is an answer. A simple, obvious, yet very good answer... to every question!

In fact, the reason is so simple that I can't wait to explain it to you guys, because you deserve it.

Take a look at this picture. What do you see?

You see a large burger. You see hamburger. And you also notice that it's cooked perfectly on one side! It's golden yellow in color... perfect! Even though this burger is covered with a thick coating of sauce and mayonnaise, it is absolutely delicious. Enjoy.

Hot-Dog-A-Goose

First, let me start with the easiest recipe: The Hot Dog Sandwich. It will work just as well whether you use a sandwich or not. Here goes nothing.

Ingredients: 

Two packages of hot dogs. One pack is about 2 pounds, the second is slightly smaller. (You should cut a packet into quarters.)

Instructions:

1. Cut each package into quarters. Put two packages into a deep frying pan and cook them over medium heat. Watch closely. Don't burn them!

2. Remove the hot dogs from the pan and place them on a paper towel. Wrap it around them and pat them dry. Now you are ready to make the Hot Dog Sandwich!

3. Serve immediately. Take a bite. Ow! They are HOT! Yuck! Eat fast and savour it while you have the chance.

How Did They Get Their Ideas? 

Back in the 1960s, scientists were starting to figure out that eating lots of cheese might cause you to grow bigger than you already are. Some scientists were worried about this. Some didn't really care. But some doctors decided to put an experiment in practice.

They ordered some scientists to eat a box of crackers. When the scientists ate the crackers, the scientists grew big. They now stood a whopping 3 to 5 feet tall. Scientists are still growing. They've got a long way to go.

Here comes another problem: Why did they order crackers? It's obvious! They wanted to see if the cracker made them bigger.

So they sent some scientists back to buy more crackers to experiment with. Sure enough, they returned with a box full of crackers. And guess what? Instead of being grown, scientists had shrunk. By 20 pounds! It wasn't just the scientists who had shrunk. All other humans, too. People have gone from six inches tall to less than five feet. That's crazy. So let's take a closer look at the scientific method of creating the Hot Dog Sandwich. Let's start with an experiment to test how much cheese you need. If you have three boxes of crackers, it means that you can probably eat three boxes of cheese in a day. So if you need three hundred thousand hot dogs a day, you have two hundred and twenty thousand cheese sandwiches.

Next up: Who Is Shima?

Shima has a lot of weird nicknames: 'Flamey' Shima; 'Fire' Shima; 'Crazy Shima'; 'Flaming Shima'; 'Cockroach' Shima; and 'Cheese Sandwich' Shima. I mean, really? How did she come up with these names anyway? Maybe she stole them from an old TV show?

The Scientists Don't Know Anything

I'm not joking. I'm dead serious. The scientists don't know anything. Nothing at all. They don't have a clue. This is why they have been unable to produce the perfect Hot Dog Sandwich ever since 1947.

But one of the biggest mistakes that the scientists make is believing what everyone else says. Everyone knows that a hot dog doesn't grow unless you fry it. So you can't blame the scientists for thinking that hot dogs grow faster if they fry them!

The scientists are wrong. That's the truth of the matter.

My Mom's Awesome Cheese Sandwich Cake

First off, let me make sure everyone understands that I did not invent my mom's awesome cheese cake. My mom actually created the idea of cheese cake. I think she even named it Cheese Cake! My mother was smart, after all.

Why I Want To Eat Pizza

The reason why I want to eat pizza is simple, actually. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Flaming Pizza. Flamingo Beefball Pizza. Flaming Flamingo Cheese. Cheese Beefball Pizza. Flaming Flamingo Cheese. Frying Sauce. Fried Rice. Fried Onion Sauce. Flaming Flamingo Tomato. Cheese Tomato Tomato. Flaming Freaking Cheese Tomato. Flaming Shima. Wait. Shima? No. Wait. Shima. Shima. Shima. Yes. That's right. Flamingo Beefball Shima. Flaming Shimo... I'm gonna finish this sentence with 'flaming pizzas'. No, hold on. Cheese? Freaken?

OK… let me try to explain something else. Have you ever heard of the expression "The world is full of stupid people"? Well, sometimes there are also some people who possess the gift of the gab. These people are known as "The Stupid Ones." Me and Shima hate them with all our hearts, so we call them "The Dumbest." The dumbest are, of course, those people whose brains are too small to function properly.

A Problem

The reason I didn't like Salmon was because I thought it tasted like chicken! Chicken, as you may recall, is not exactly the tastiest food in the whole world. And as you probably know by now, salmon tastes no better!

Blancaise

"Blancaise! Blancaise!" repeated Shima. "It doesn't even rhyme, does it? How could there possibly be BLANC DE LA MER?"

I looked over. Shima's cheese sandwich with white cheese and Flamingo Beefball cheese was getting cold. I picked it up and tried to nibble at it. But it just wouldn't stick. "Bleh," said Shima.

Unfortunately, Blancaise is a French food name, so the only explanation is that it's meant to be French.

Brunello

This guy had a lot of trouble with his food. First, he tried everything on his plate, then added mustard. He finally came up with another name. "Cream" Brunello!

Mango Creamsicle

"Mango Creamsicle"? What is a mango creamsicle?

A mango creamsicle is a dessert made exclusively with mango juice (which is used in many countries) mixed with ice cream. There are three kinds of mangoes here: red, yellow, and orange. But you already knew that, didn't you? Just kidding. Of course you didn't. So forget the names. Forget the ingredients. One thing is certain: if you want to eat mango creamsicles, you better get one of those super tasty things.

People Who Love Beef Pies

Another question that's been asked is "Can you make beef pies?" The answer: Yes.

The Great Big Doughnut

There is something that everybody wants to eat... except for beef pies.

That's right! Beef pies aren't for everybody. Most people never want to eat beef pies. That doesn't make sense either. Why wouldn't you eat a beef pie? Your only other option is a Great Big Doughnut.

If you like meat, you'll love burgers. If you like fries, you'll love cheese. If you like milk, you'll love chocolate. For the most part, if you love all of these foods, then you'll eat beef, cheese, french fries, and anything else. There's nothing wrong with any of these foods. The problem is, the Great Big Donatoughnut is also called an "All In All Donatoughnut" (which is the same thing as a Great Big Sandwich, but without the extra cheese).

Now that we've solved your question about beef pie and beef pies, let me ask you another one: Why do they call it an All In All Donatoughnut? Well, the answer is simple. It's a Big Big Beefcake Diner Pie (and a Great Big Doughnut).

The Other Question You May Or May Not Have Heard

There are three famous questions asked in the American vernacular when asking somebody about their diet: "What kind of food do you eat?" "Who do you eat with? And how often do you eat together?" "Are you eating healthy?"

Well, I'm glad you asked.  Unfortunately, I'm sorry to inform you that these are not true. The truth is that nobody eats healthy food, which includes all types of junk. It's bad news for both humans and animals. The answer to "who do you eat with", by the way, is: "Anyone you wish to share a meal with."

Now, if you're wondering why people say that to each other, well, it's probably because they want to hear themselves talk. Nobody would ever think of sharing food with someone they just met. We'd probably just think:

He's crazy.

She's weird.

Or maybe:

She's crazy!

You may or may not have heard this joke before: "I am sitting here, waiting for my steak..." Then, all of a sudden, you hear: "And I am sitting here waiting for my beefcake."

Let's give the people who told this joke another chance. If they do the same thing again, maybe we won't laugh at them. OK. Let's hear it. Go ahead. Tell the joke again! And this time... say the exact words that I just used earlier in the lesson:

"HERE COMES THE ROAD TO BEDROOM STAIRS! HAHAHA! HAAAAAHAAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

OK, I guess we will give them another chance.

"I AM LIVING IN A DIFFERENT WORLD NOW!"

OK! OK! Ok! It's funny!

"I am not hungry now!"

Okay! Okay! Fine! Let's try another one.

"ARE YOU HUNGRY NOW?"

NO WAY. NO WAY. NO WAY. I refuse. NO WAY!

"ARE YOU HUNGRY NOW?"

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oooohhh! Oooooooooooohhhh!!! YES!!!! YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's quite enough!

The End

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Here's Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer with some more answers:

(First Question) Do horses go to sleep every night?

(Answer) Probably.

(Second Question) How do you know that?

(Answer) Because they are sleeping on beds made of straw.

(Third Question) And do they get tired?

(Answer) No. They sleep until they wake up.

(Fourth Question) And where do they sleep during the day?

(Answer) In barns.

(Fifth Question) Does Santa Claus get tired from being up late?

(Answer) I don't know. Maybe.

(Sixth Question) Can Santa fly?

(Answer) I don't know. Maybe.

(Seventh Question) Is Santa fat?

(Answer) Yeah. Don't tell him I said that.

(Eighteenth Question) How do you know Santa goes around and plays music while he's on top of the North Pole?

(Answer) I am not answering those questions.

Mystery Spot

The Mystery Spot is the only area of the entire city where you will always find lots of delicious foods to eat. Some restaurants serve fish, some offer meat, and others offer cheese and bread. This isn't necessarily a coincidence, though. After all, there are only two choices here; Fish and Bread, or Ice Cream and Beefcakes! I suggest you pick the latter. The last time I had a piece of ice cream, I nearly died from overeating.

The Baguette de la Ville

A lot of people think that the French word for "baguette" is le baguette. Actually, baguettes are made out of dough. They're shaped like big pieces of dough. The word isn't "le baguette." It's "le baguette à l'anglais," which means baguette.

But it does happen that the word for bread is "pain au chocolat," which means bread made with almond butter instead of flour. That makes things much easier.

It's Not A Coincidence

Have you ever been in a restaurant and wanted your meal, but the waiter brings out a salad instead? Why would they do that? Nobody wants a salad. Especially not me. And especially not Shima. Oh, no.

But wait. That's not the worst part. When the waiter brought out Shima's order, it wasn't just a salad. It also had a bunch of vegetables. As in: green beans, broccoli, radishes, celery. Green beans, broccoli, radishes, carrots... you get the idea. "Yuck!" said Shima. She looked like she was going to throw up.

"I thought that you were a vegetarian," said the waiter. "Is that not correct?"

Shima shook her head violently. "NOOOOO!" she screamed. "I am NOT a vegan! Please give me something else!"

And so it went. Shima cried and cried and cried. Eventually, the waiter gave up and put down her order. Shima asked for "a bowl of soup". Now soup is basically water boiled with chicken stock. It comes in two different varieties. The broth is usually white, but sometimes there is also meat. It's a little bit salty. The soup is hot and tastes good, though.

What did Shima choose? Chicken soup.

"You can't have that anymore," said the waiter. "It's not allowed. I can't take orders from vegetarians."

"I already told you. My name's Shima Takahashi. I'm not a vegetarian."

"No matter what you say. You must leave the soup." He pointed toward the exit.

As she got up to leave, Shima turned her back to the waiter and whispered, "Goodbye, Mr. Creme Brulee."

How Did the Man With No Name Die?

As far as I am concerned, you cannot die from a heart attack. That's just silly! You can't really be dead. You need food or you need sleep or you need water. There was once a man with no name. His name was James Buchanan Barnes. So let's see how long it took him to die.

Ok, let's look at this. Let's see. Oh, look at that. A Big Fat Cheese Sandwich. Yay! But what happens next? Oh, here. He gets a spoonful of mashed potato. He takes his first bite of his cheese sandwich—and he dies instantly. Well, that's too bad. Too bad, my friend. You should have eaten a bigger cheeseburger.

McMulligan's Meatballs

This is the story of what happened to a guy named McNugget who ate one too many meatballs. It is a funny story, especially since we are talking about a whole group of meatballers. One day, McNugget sat down and ordered four steaks. And then he decided to eat them. Just four! At lunchtime, he ordered six sandwiches. Six!

After about an hour and a half, McNugget started feeling sick. So sick, in fact, that he left the restaurant early and rushed to the emergency room. And then he choked. And then he died. What happened to the sandwiches? Where did they go? Nobody knows.

In the end, McNugget was pronounced dead. Who did he have dinner with? Nobody knows. What happened to the meatball? We'll let the police explain that one.

A Short, True Story About Two People Who Got Really Dumb

OK, let's take a look at this one. These two people are called George and Fred. You might have seen them hanging out in your high school cafeteria, eating and laughing and having a blast. You know what happened when they ate their burgers, right? They died.

Pizza

The McDonald's in our city has a sign that says: PLEASE DON'T EAT PIZZA. BUT EVERYONE MUST EAT IT! Well, what the heck, man? That was a very stupid sign. You can see why people have to eat pizza. Pizza is very healthy. But don't just take my word for it. Check it out for yourself.

Are Your Teeth Getting Better?

I know, I know. I sound like my dad, but I'm serious. I know about the dentist and everything, but the tooth fairy didn't come for us. It came for everyone. If you're having trouble swallowing food and you are worried about your teeth falling off, then check out the "teeth fairy" website. Click through it, then turn away from the screen and read what is said. It's easy because if you want to see your teeth falling off, you click on the image of a woman holding up two thumbs. Watch closely and pay attention. If you need to run away, wait until it is safe to do so. Do NOT click the button that says "Dentist Call." If you do, you will become the victim of what doctors call "the Dentists' Revenge."

Do You Believe That They Are Going to Fall Off?

Yes! Yes! Yes! They are going to fall off! Of course they are! They are falling from the sky! Look! They are falling out of your mouth! See what they have done? They dropped down in front of you! That must have been scary.

I Know What They Are Going To Do Next 

Hey, guess what? I've done my research. I know exactly what they are going to do next. I'll bet you even know what I'm talking about already. Yep, I've got a secret weapon. I'm going to predict your future. Here goes:

You are going to eat a Big Big Big Big Beefburger that has all these juicy hamburgers on top of it! Oh yeah? Then you're gonna puke! But then what? Are you going to fall off of your chair? No, you won't fall off.

Was I right? Well, I guess we'll see.

Do You Think I Should Go To Therapy

If you decide to go to therapy, please remember to never, and I mean NEVER, wear blue. Blue looks BAD! You'll make people think you're an idiot. Blue looks REALLY bad.

The Soup Train

It took me forever to realize I was hungry for soup. Every single day, without fail, I walked into a store and asked for a bowl of soup. But yesterday, something strange happened. A short guy came over to where I was standing.

"Excuse me, sir, I have to ask you something."

"Sure," I replied, wondering what question this little gentleman would ask. Was it a trick question? An awkward one? A personal question? Or maybe, just maybe, he was going to inquire about my mental state.

"Have you seen the Soup Train?"

"What? No, I haven't seen any soup trains," I replied.

"Well, maybe you can tell me where I could find one."

"Yeah, sure," I replied. "Just follow me."

So we walked outside of the mall, and I explained what soup trains looked like to my companion. "A soup train looks just like a normal train. The only difference is that the soup train has a little bowl of soup on the top. It can carry a lot of stuff. Like applesauce. Have you tried apple sauce? It's delicious. Maybe you can try that some time."

At this point, my companion stopped. "Uh, thank you for your information, sir, but I actually have the soup train that you described sitting right across from me right now."

Ohhhh....

Ok, Don't Take Food From Your Customers

Let's pretend that you are a customer at McDonald's. Imagine you are standing in line for a large burger and you see that a man is standing behind you. You want a big hamburger and, unfortunately, your order is being served.

"Um, excuse me, sir," you might say. "I believe we are serving you here by mistake."

"Sorry, buddy. This is a free country."

You could get annoyed.

"But, but, but!" you could argue. "That person behind you wants a big hamburger."

"He'll have to wait."

Yeah, don't say that.