The Wyndham Championship

Mr. Commish,

Here is some actual footage of our champion, Taylor, demolishing everyone in the league this year. Not only did he make some amazing picks, but he is a diabolical mind reader and a soothsayer as we duplicated several picks at crucial times down the stretch. It got to the point where I was wrapping my head in tin foil to prevent him from seeing my thoughts! Alas, that did not work and my title defense was simply not meant to be. Congratulations to Taylor; a formidable opponent and a worthy champion! 

Time to clean out the bookmarks! I save amusing golf-related things over the course of the season for possible inclusion in my musings. There were a few random ones that never found a home but were too good not to share:

• If Sergio Garcia ever withdraws from a tournament with a back injury, this is why. Good Lord, these two would be ringers in the World Wife Carrying Championship!

• Phil Mickelson: Line Dancer!

• Smylie Kaufman with an all-time great story about Scottie Scheffler outside the gates of The Memorial (the week after Scottie was arrested).

• Pro tip for the gentlemen: if you are golfing and you aren't supposed to be, bring your work attire in case your wife Facetimes you. (Actually, this might not work if your employment typically keeps you indoors, but it's worth a shot!)

• We live in a world where Geno Bonnalie (Joel Dahmen's caddie) moonlights as an underwear ambassador.

As we wrap up the 2024 season, we are left with many unanswered questions. Will the PGA TOUR and LIV Golf kiss and make up? Will Rory's and Tiger's "TGL" league finally get off the ground? Will Cameron Young ever win a tournament? Who will be the next golfer to get arrested (my money is on Hatton)? Will Viktor Hovland ever find true love? We will look for these answers and more when our merry little league tees it up at the Sentry Open in 2025!

Thanks for another fun season!

The Wyndham Championship

Mr. Commish,

Before we begin, there was a terrific story about a player trying to get to the 3M Open from Salt Lake City. Wesley Bryan got caught up in the "global technology outage" which resulted in an endless array of canceled flights. Creative thinking led Bryan and another caddie to rent a car and drive to the Twin Cities. The catch was that Avis in Salt Lake City wasn't offering one-way rentals, but they lied and drove it to Minneapolis anyhow. It would seem everything worked out fine and they didn't get hit with some outrageous penalty fees. Actually, the rental seemed surprisingly cheap, and Bryan at least made the cut, so all's well that ends well.

We have come to our final event of the year, the Wyndham Championship in Greensboro, NC, and I need a minor miracle. My decision to pick Keith Mitchell for the 3M based on him needing to crack the top 70 to make the playoffs worked out so well that I am abandoning this strategy altogether. Picking based on desperation is...well, desperate. One should be selecting players based on analytics and raw data, so we will do just that! 

The "Olympic break" has blessed the Wyndham with a surprisingly deep field, and my guy is one of the top ranked players. Currently 9th in the FedEx Cup standings and 19th in the Official World Golf Rankings, he is a workhorse on the PGA TOUR, known for playing more events than just about anyone. A veritable top ten machine since May, he only has two career wins. But his game seems to be rounding into form for the playoffs, and he is long overdue for win number three. A round of applause for a man who loves good Korean BBQ, never uses a #4 golf ball because it is a symbol of bad luck, and has some serious dance moves, Mr. Sungjae Im! 

The 3M Championship

Mr. Commish,

Oooof! What a weekend. My Open pick of Tyrrell Hatton played so badly during the second round that he carried his own bag on one hole. And after being near the top heading into the weekend, Michael Thorbjornsen's disastrous third and fourth rounds resulted in him getting lapped by the field for a really poor finish. I need to right the ship quickly as we head into the home stretch!

When you do an internet search of Blaine, MN, the "People Also Ask" section of the Google results page poses several other questions that are commonly searched for. One of them asks, "What is Blaine famous for?" It turns out there are two things; the National Sports Center soccer complex, and also Minnesota's only PGA TOUR event, this week's 3M Open. Incidentally, one of the other frequently asked questions is, "How many chickens can you have in Blaine, MN?" The answer is six. No roosters, however. Hens only. You can even get your chicken permit here. What can we say? The northern suburb of Blaine offers a bit of everything. Come for the soccer and golf, stay for the highly regulated chicken coops.

There are only a handful of top players at the 3M since this tournament falls on the heels of the Open. You will also notice a palpable stench hanging in the air over TPC Twin Cities, and it's not because of all those neighborhood chickens. That, my friend, is the smell of desperation. Only two tournaments left until the FedEx Cup playoffs, you see. And with tougher qualification criteria this year, only the top 70 get in. Fear is a great motivator! My guy, currently sitting at 76th in the FedEx Cup standings, is on the outside looking in. A gourmand with a penchant for the finer things in life, look for him to play well in the North Star State to keep his season going. Playing out of St. Simons Island, give it up for the kid from Chattanooga, the former Georgia Bulldog, Mr. "Cashmere" Keith Mitchell! 

The Open / Barracudea Championship

Mr. Commish,

Did you see that Keegan Bradley was picked as the Ryder Cup Captain for 2025? Wow! That really came out of nowhere. My understanding was that Keegan had no idea he was up for consideration. After being snubbed as a player on last year's team by Zach Johnson, it was Captain Zach himself who made the call to Keegan to tell him he was selected for the captaincy. My guess is the call went something like this. 

Anyhow, the big boys stay in Scotland for the final major of the year; the Open Championship at one of the truly iconic locations, Royal Troon in South Ayrshire. Once again, I must dig deep into my LIV bag of tricks for a qualified player. My guy is from the British Isles, so he should feel right at home on this legendary links course. Does he have a bit of an anger management problem? Yes. Is there a chance he could completely lose his mind, punch a tournament official, and get arrested? Of course. But he has been playing so well on the LIV Tour, and it is a risk I have to live with. From High Wycombe, England, a round of applause for a man who loves vacationing in the Maldives, a huge fan of Liverpool FC, and a guy who gives fantastic interviews, Mr. Tyrrell Hatton!

Those who did not qualify for the Open are headed to scenic Truckee, CA, for the Barracuda Championship. This deescalated event is our only tournament that follows the fun and wacky Modified Stableford Scoring System where scores on the plus side are good. My guy is a relatively new pro, but he has proven to be a birdie machine by making a splash at the John Deere with a 2nd place finish. Son of a Norwegian father and Zimbabwean mother, he is a prodigy who started golfing when he was two. The #1 college player from PGA TOUR University, this Stanford product looks to follow the fast success of last year's #1 PGA TOUR U wunderkind, Ludvig Åberg. From Wellesley, MA, give it up for a handsome devil who no doubt spent a lot of time kissing those Wellesley College girls, Mr. Michael Thorbjornsen! 

Genesis Scottish Open / ISCO Championship

Mr. Commish,

Serve me up some neeps and tatties and pour me a pint of Tennent's Lager! We fly across the pond to the homeland of Groundskeeper Willie for the Genesis Scottish Open at The Renaissance Club in North Berwick. Did you know that the name "Berwick" in Old English translates to "barley farmstead?" Given the great volume of scotch production / consumption, I had assumed all of Scotland was a barley farmstead! Anyhow, since becoming a PGA TOUR / DP World Tour combined event, it has become fashionable among the big dogs to use it as a tune-up for The (British) Open Championship. My guy is currently 41st in the FedEx Cup standings and 17th in the Official World Golf Rankings. He should be well rested after taking a week off following eight tournaments in a row. His recent runner up at the Travelers demonstrates some good form, and he has finished T6 and 3rd in a duo of past appearances here at the Scottish. A round of applause for the first PGA TOUR winner born after the year 2000, Presidents Cup veteran on the International side, a lover of good pizza, and babysitter for the Shefflers, Mr. Tom Kim!

Not to be forgotten is a B-squad tournament in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. With Barbasol and the Big Shaving Cream industry effectively exiting the PGA TOUR sponsorship arena, we can thank ISCO, a piping solutions company, for stepping in to support the newly branded ISCO Championship. ISCO's slogan of "Laying the pipe since 1962!" is a bit racy, and rumor has it the trophy is simply a giant piece of high-density polyethylene pipe, but these things are to be expected in a deescalated event. It is projected to be a hot weekend with temperatures in the low 90's. The Weather Channel goddess, Stephanie Abrams, says they will be "sweating like nerds at their first dance" in Nicholasville, KY, so you know that means the heat will be oppressive. My guy just turned pro and played his college golf in the neighboring state of Ohio, so he is very familiar with the weather conditions in this region of our great nation. Currently ranked 498th in the world, the low ranking is in no way reflective of his tremendous play. He was the low amateur at both the Masters and the U.S. Open, joining the elite company of Jack and Tiger as the only other person to accomplish that feat. Give it up for the former Ohio State Buckeye, the lover of a good Waffle House, and a guy with a mullet that would make even the most grizzled hockey mom say, "Nice salad, kid," Mr. Neal Shipley!

John Deere Classic

Mr. Commish,

I picked the wrong Cam! My guy, Cam Young, was right there. Apparently he thought the back nine on Sunday would be a perfect time to channel his inner Steve "The Volcano" Pate and decided that a piece of golf equipment needed to die. After intentionally breaking his driver, he squandered hundreds of thousands of dollars with costly bogeys on 16 and 18. The other Cam in the field, Cam Davis, notched his second career win, with both of them coming at the Rocket Mortgage Classic. Davis revealed during his post-round interview with the lovely Amanda that he had been seeing a hypnotherapist to help him with his golf. Clearly this is paying off, just as it did for Peter Gibbons. 

In other Rocket Mortgage Classic news, did you hear about Nick Bienz? He posted a 65 early in the Monday qualifier. To calm his nerves after the round, Bienz went three beers deep in the clubhouse and later found himself in a playoff. The playoff went 8 holes, and he managed to earn one of the open spots. Here's to the finely tuned athlete on the verge of greatness! Unfortunately, a pair of 75's and a missed cut deprived us of a Cinderella story, but at least he will have a fantastic tale to tell in the breakroom at Golf Galaxy, his place of employment.

The PGA TOUR heads to the Quad Cities for the John Deere Classic. According to the Google AI Overview, the Quad Cities is known for many things; its scenic riverfront and communities, the performing arts (I was going to make a joke about a fictitious "Moline Philharmonic," but it turns out there actually is a Quad Cities Symphony Orchestra!), and...the birthplace of taco pizza? That's right! Happy Joe's is headquartered in Davenport and claims to have invented this culinary masterpiece consisting of pizza dough topped with refried beans, ground beef, taco sauce and cheese, and finished with fresh lettuce, diced tomatoes, and crushed Doritos. As someone who spent his college years in Iowa, I can personally attest it is every bit as awesome as it sounds. My guy is a big drink of water who has no doubt downed a taco pizza or two. He's actually Austrian, but listening to him you would never know it since he grew up in Georgia. Currently at 17th in the FedEx Cup standings and 24th in the Official World Golf Rankings, he's also the John Deere defending champion which should bring some good vibes. Give it up for the Georgia Bulldog, former Olympian, and a man who brings his own diet Coke to tournaments if he knows they only serve Pepsi, Mr. Sepp Straka!

Rocket Mortgage Classic

Mr. Commish,

The Travelers Championship did nothing more than prove something that we already knew; it is Scottie Scheffler's world, and everyone else is just living in it. He is the first golfer to win 6 times in a single season before July 1st since Arnold Palmer did it in 1962. Scottie has earned over $27 million already this season, virtually ensuring he won't have to take out many loans. Assuming the standard 10% cut, his caddie, Ted Scott, would be in about 44th place on the current PGA TOUR money list! Crazy. The only new things we learned this weekend?  Dad duty begins as soon as golf ends, and Scottie will never list Tom Kim as his emergency contact. 

This week we head to a state that is somehow considered part of the "Upper Midwest" despite being mostly in the Eastern Time Zone. Welcome to Michigan for the Rocket Mortgage Classic at the historic Detroit Country Club! After a run of signature events and majors, a middling event this one is, with only 10 of the top 50 players in the field. However, tournaments like this create opportunities, and there is nobody more ready to take advantage than my guy. In his 5th year as a pro, this member of the 2022 Presidents Cup team is showing signs of his past good form. Coming off a third round 59 at the Travelers, he seems poised to claim his first PGA TOUR win. There is no personal information listed on his profile page, so let's hear it for a man whose hobbies include breakdancing, timber framing, Corgi racing, judging barbecue competitions, and playing the fretless bass guitar in a local Pearl Jam cover band, Mr. Cameron Young! 

The Travelers Championship

Mr. Commish,

What a U.S. Open! The 1000th USGA Championship had a little bit of everything; a DeChambeau triumph, and a Rory collapse for the ages (Back in the day, you would have thrown your clubs in the car and violently slammed the trunk. We can't do that anymore with modern vehicles, but I am guessing Rory pushed the "close" button with extra vigor!). There was also a fun battle for low amateur with the burly mullet aficionado, Neal Shipley, coming out on top, a wildly brutal course that created many interesting lies, and it ended in the darkness with Bryson crashing the set of Live From the U.S. Open to walk Johnson Wagner through an attempt to replicate Bryson's final bunker shot (which Johnson executed brilliantly!). Here are a few other random nuggets that slid under the radar:

• Do you know how much it costs to play Pinehurst No. 2? Apparently you can't just go there to play. You are required to stay on site for a two-night minimum, and green fees are rolled into a package that covers your lodging, meals, etc. Expect this little vacation to set you back $3000 to $3500 bucks per person! Nothing like having to finance a weekend trip just to shoot a million on one of the hardest courses in America.

• Salty balls, anyone? It came to light during one of the press conferences that Bryson, always the mad scientist, floats his golf balls in Epsom salt to determine the balance of the ball. This reminded me of the old "Louie" character and his catch phrase from the 1990's MTV sketch comedy troupe, The State. 

• Cam Smith was wearing the greatest shirt during Saturday's round; the periodic table of booze. I have never been very "sciency," but there is some science I can get behind!

We travel north along the Atlantic coast to Cromwell, CT, to one of the favorite stops on the PGA TOUR schedule, the Travelers Championship. With seemingly no end to the money, we are in our third week in a row of ridiculous purses with the Travelers being yet another signature event. Again, I am running low on top talent and can't cherry pick from the LIV pool this week, but I do have this guy available. Currently ranked 8th in the FedEx Cup standings and 12th in the Official World Golf Rankings, my man already has one win at the Genesis earlier this year, and he has finished in the top ten the last two week, so he is in great form. From Ehime, Japan, give it up for the Tohoku Fukushi University product, a man whose menu of sushi, sashimi, and wagyu ribeye is regarded as one of the best Masters Champions Dinners ever, Mr. Hideki Matsuyama!

The US Open

Mr. Commish,

We head to the Tarheel State for the third major of the year; the U.S. Open at the vaunted Pinehurst No. 2, coincidentally located in the quaint Village of Pinehurst, North Carolina. Did you know that the Pinehurst Resort and Country Club has ten courses? TEN! And they are all somewhat oddly named in numeric fashion; No. 1, No. 2, No. 3, etc. It is as if someone said "Let's make it easy and give them all numbers!" because they didn't want to come up with some original, evocative names. Also, if you are going with this naming convention, why wouldn't Pinehurst No. 2, the hardest, most prestigious of their courses, be No. 1? Seems odd that No. 1 wouldn't be the best of the best. However, nobody from Pinehurst asked me for my opinion on the matter, so it is what it is. At least all of their outstanding restaurants, bars, and the brewery have fine, normal names (OMG, the bourbon menu at the North and South Bar!).

A major requires that you break out a heavy hitter, and my guy is one of the heaviest hitters of all. I am running out of top PGA TOUR talent to select, but how quickly we forget about those LIV Golfers. They only play every so often, and their broadcasts are relegated to the lowly CW Network either at odd times or up against more compelling sporting events. Let's face it; unless you have the hardened criminal and menace to society, Scottie Scheffler, still available as a selection, you are playing for second place. We are getting to the point where fellow competitors might resort to pulling the "snake prank" on Scottie mid-round just to give themselves a puncher's chance. Anyhow, my man is more than capable of finishing runner up. He made some waves at the PGA Championship, and the positive reaction he received seems to indicate this former villain has orchestrated a classic WWE "heel turn" and is now being embraced by the golf fans. A round of applause for the former US Open champion and SMU Mustang standout, the mad scientist himself, Mr. Bryson DeChambeau!

The Memorial

Mr. Commish,

Not sure if you caught any of the U.S. Women's Open. There were a few interesting items of note, including Nelly Korda's well-documented septuple bogey on a completely unfair par 3 during the first round, as well as Charley Hull's apparent newfound philosophy of "smoke 'em if you got 'em." But did you see there was a 15-year-old amateur who made the cut? Her rather unique name was Asterisk Talley. ASTERISK! Named after the "*" it would seem. Big fans of special characters, her parents are. She faded on the weekend, but had she won, would they have needed to put an asterisk after her name since she is an amateur?!? Thank you, thank you, I will be here all week! Unfortunately, Asterisk's fine showing stole the thunder from Ampersand, her younger sister, whose junior high graduation went almost unnoticed. What can be said? When major family achievements collide, it is inevitable that someone has to play the second banana. 

The PGA TOUR heads to The Memorial Tournament in the charming Columbus, OH, suburb of Dublin, which is also home to the Wendy's corporate headquarters and innovation center. Rumor has it that when the wind is just right, you can smell the aromas of the latest Baconator™ test market creations when standing on the Muirfield Village driving range. Anyhow, we have a signature event upon us with big bucks on the line, so it is imperative that I pick well. And I can't do much better than this guy. He has a lot going right in the stats department this year; 5 top tens, 6th in the FedEx Cup points race, 8th in the Official World Golf Rankings, and 1st in the heart of his wife, Kat. The only thing he hasn't done since 2022 is win. But that will change this week at Jack's Shack. Generously listed at 5'9", a round of applause for the the two-time major winner from the tony Los Angeles suburb of La Cañada Flintridge, a huge Lakers and Dodgers fan, owner of a Goldendoodle named Koa, and one of Cal-Berkeley's finest, Mr. Collin Morikawa!

RBC Canadian Open

Mr. Commish,

Two unrelated items of note:

• Normally we don't pay much attention to the goings on over at the Korn Ferry Tour. But have you seen what Harry Higgs has been doing recently? The guy got married to a gorgeous girl three weeks ago, and now he has won two consecutive events in dramatic fashion! When guys like Spieth, Rickie, and J.T. got hitched, their games went off the rails and it took them forever to find good form again. Marriage is apparently Harry's superpower. Look out for "The Big Rig" when he gets his TOUR Card back.

• We also don't pay a lot of attention to what's happening on the Champions Tour, but this is pretty funny. As Jeff Foxworthy might say, if you rent a U-Haul to drive from one golf tournament to another, you might be a redneck named Boo Weekley! 

It's that time of year where we must fuel up on poutine and peameal bacon, crack open a Molson Golden, and bravely head north of the border into foreign land. Welcome to the RBC Canadian Open at the Hamilton Golf & Country Club, in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada! It would be easy and tempting to ride the victorious wave of Canadian momentum stemming from last year's Nick Taylor triumph. It was arguably the most exciting finish on the PGA TOUR in 2023, and Jim Nantz's excellent, off-the-cuff "Glorious and free!" call at the end will go down in Canuck golfing lore. Taylor has been having a good season with a win in Phoenix, and his fellow countryman, Adam Hadwin, has been playing well, too (although, after getting sacked by the security guard last year, adventure seems to follow Hadwin wherever he goes!). However, I think it is wise to be wary. Taylor was the first Canadian to win in generations, so the odds are stacked against this happening again anytime soon.

I am going with a guy who might have been champion last year were it not for the Taylor eagle bomb in the playoff. Currently ranked 13th in the Official World Golf Rankings, and a tidy 37th in FedEx Cup points, this lovable Brit is long overdue for his first win on the PGA TOUR. From Southport, England, give it up for the 8-time international winner, a lover of detective stories and biographies, accomplished actor, and Ryder Cup legend, "Golfing Jesus" himself, Mr. Tommy Fleetwood!

PGA Championship

Mr. Commish,

I did some digging on Valhalla Country Club in Louisville, KY, the site of many past majors and Ryder Cups. Looks like a very nice place, but I see they have something called a "Members Only Golf Shop." Color me snooty and elitist, but you would think a club of this stature would offer something other than tired fashion from the 1980's. Then again, I am not sure what is considered hip in Louisville these days. A Members Only jacket coupled with a freshly trimmed up "Kentucky Waterfall" mullet, and you could be the coolest hombre in the Bluegrass State for all I know. Of course, Raylan Givens already holds that title, so perhaps this is a moot point.

What were we talking about again? Oh yes...welcome to the 2024 PGA Championship at Valhalla Country Club! 

I see I have used many of the odds-on favorites, but I do have this guy available. He's 89th in FedEx Cup points and the wave of momentum he generated with his 2023 finish has yet to carry over into this season. However, he is still ranked 7th in the world, and he is long overdue for his first major. Why not here? In Norse mythology, "Valhalla" is anglicised name for the Old Norse word "Valhǫll," which is the Norwegian hall of slain warriors. My guy happens to be from Norway! Coincidence? I think not. Say it for me one more time, Ben Crenshaw! Give it up for the former Oklahoma State Cowboy standout, 2023 FedEx Cup Champion, lover of death metal music, and connoisseur of Chipotle (Man, what is it with the Scandinavians? They all just love Chipotle!), Mr. Viktor Hovland! 

Wells Fargo Championship and Myrtle Beach Classic

Mr. Commish,

I am more than a little disappointed in my guy, Jason Day. He needed a miracle putt to make the cut at the CJ Cup Byron Nelson after making a mess out of the 18th hole, but then he never really capitalized on that good fortune, posting a 59th place finish. I mean, this is not nearly as crushing as Ben "Kohles Cash" missing a short putt to get into a playoff, bogeying a hole he birdied in the first three rounds. Still, that kind of sucks. I know, nobody cares about my problems. Hearing the league leader and defending champion moan about stuff like this is kind of like listening to former NBA star and multimillionaire, Latrell Sprewell, complain about needing more money to feed his family. What can I say? These are my musings, and I'll whine if I want to!

This week we head to The Queen City, Charlotte, NC, for yet another signature event, The Wells Fargo Championship at Quail Hollow. My guy is a rising star who has some impressive wins on his resume in the last few years. His recent strong showing at The Masters also indicates he is in good form. Plus, he is a two-time winner of the Wells Fargo. On different courses, even! This, as Martha Stewart would say, is a good thing. Give it up for a huge Lakers and Dodgers fan, a man who knows more about reality television than he cares to admit thanks to his wife, Lacey, and dairy-free ice cream aficionado, Cal-Berkeley's very own, Mr. Max Homa!

We also have a second tournament for those who did not qualify for Wells Fargo. Welcome to something called the Myrtle Beach Classic. This is a brand new event with no provenance, and it could only be considered a signature event by the old PGA TOUR Latinoamérica standards. There is not much at stake here, so I am going to take a flyer on this guy. Currently in the midst of a career renaissance after his acquittal from being handsy, drunk, and urinating on seat during a British Airways flight (is the latter even a crime anymore?), this former Ryder Cupper with 8 career wins on the DP World Tour has the credentials to get his first PGA TOUR win.Three cheers for Denmark's favorite son, a rabid Manchester United fan, and a guy with a name that is just fun to say, Mr. Thorbjørn Olesen! 

The CJ Cup Byron Nelson

Mr. Commish,

After revisiting last week's prognostications, one was spot on, and two left me with some room for improvement. My grades:

• Avoid Joel Dahmen at all costs =  C+  This was looking like an "F" early on. Dahmen and Mitchell attempted to disprove my prediction in spectacular style with a stellar first round. They made the cut but could not sustain the momentum, finishing T28. Joel's bucket hat/visor was great, though. 

• Steer clear of sibling pairings =  B-  The Brothers Fitzpatrick were the anomaly, bucking this prediction by finishing in a fairly respectable T11. However, the Brothers Højgaard and Brothers Coody lived up to my expectations with both teams missing the cut. 

• Pick a team with Ryder Cup experience = A  Rory! Shane! Clearly, Irish eyes are smiling upon yours truly as this dynamic duo from the Emerald Isle vaulted me back into the lead with their win at the gator-infested Zurich Classic. 

We will try to keep this runaway train of fantasy golf success rolling as the PGA TOUR heads back to the Lone Star State. There are a handful of crown jewels in the regular, non-signature event lineup, and The CJ Cup Byron Nelson is one of them. Dating back to 1944, this tournament boasts a strong history featuring a long list of notable hall of famers as champions. My guy is looking to add to that legacy. Despite a recently developed and inexplicably poor fashion sense that got him into a bit of hot water at The Masters (see attached photo - I didn't realize that promoting our league was a crime!), this 13-time winner and major champion is quietly having a decent year with three top tens out of ten events played. He's also the defending champion, so that can only bring good vibes. Sitting at an impressive 22nd in the Official World Golf Rankings, give it up for an Aussie playing out of Forest Lake, Ohio, a man with the greatest indoor practice facility of all time, Mr. Jason Day!

The RBC Heritage / Corales Puntacana Championship

Mr. Commish,

The indomitable Scottie Sheffler proved that there is nobody better in golf, and he is on a vintage Tiger-esque run right now. Absolutely nothing against Scottie, but I was kind of rooting for Ludvig (a.k.a. the "Swedish Terminator," coined by Michael Kim) down the stretch, if for no other reason than to see him turn the Augusta National kitchen upside down next year with its first ever Swedish-themed champions dinner. Just imagine the pressure on those southern chefs having to crank out some world class Toast Skagen, Fiskbullar, and Fläskkorv! Then again, Ludvig apparently loves Chipotle, so perhaps it was for the best that things turned out the way they did.

With no rest for the weary, we slide on over to South Carolina for the RBC Heritage; a signature event on the heels of the season's first major, which guarantees all the big boys will be there. My guy should be well rested after bowing out of The Masters following a 78 on Friday. Sure, he made a dumb comment about LIV golfers that bit him on the behind. But no LIV golfers will be at the RBC, so there will be no awkward encounters, and he is as mentally strong as they come. Straight out of Scottsdale, let's hear it for #5 in the Official World Golf Rankings, the former Oregon Duck, defending U.S. Open champion, and noted ping pong enthusiast, Mr. Wyndham Clark!

Not to be forgotten, the B-squad will be in the Dominican Republic for a deescalated event known as the Corales Puntacana Championship. This is a tournament where nobody in the field really wants to be here, as they all wish they would have qualified for the RBC. But as the Dave Matthews Band would say, "If nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around." My guy is a former FedEx Cup Champion and a fiery competitor. Currently ranked #84 in the world, this 7-time PGA TOUR winner has more than enough game to dominate the lackluster field this week. Playing out of Ponte Vedra Beach, FL, give it up for the former Florida Gator, real estate aficionado, and a man who once wore these pants in public, Mr. Billy Horschel!

The Masters

Mr. Commish,

I am making some truly awful picks as of late! While my young Ryder Cup hotshot, Nicolai Højgaard, made the cut, he played very much like the two-word review for Spinal Tap's seminal album, Shark Sandwich. I mean, he's not as terrible at golf as the late, great comedian, Mitch Hedberg. And he didn't play a hole as badly (or inexplicably) as Jordan Spieth did on Saturday at the 18th. (Let's just say that hitting your shot into the gutter on the roof of the clubhouse really tests the limits of the Shot Tracer! To see Jordan's bizarre escapade in its entirety, go here.). But Nicolai's 72-73-74-74 performance in San Antonio for a lowly T75 was highly disappointing to say the least. This is not the kind of fantasy golf form I wanted to be carrying into our first major of the season.

With a significant hitch in my giddyup, I find myself limping down Magnolia Lane. The smell of Hootie Johnson's English Leather cologne has permeated the dark mahogany woodwork, which still, to this day, hangs heavy in Butler Cabin. Conversely, the aromas coming from Jon Rahm's champions dinner are intoxicating. That's right, folks. This week we are on to the hallowed grounds of Augusta National. As the great Jim Nantz would say, "Hello friends, and welcome to The Masters!" 

Will a LIV golfer help me get back on track? Let's hope so, because that is who I am going with. We forget about these guys because we rarely see them anymore, they hardly ever play, and their tournaments are buried on the obscure CW Network. I have no idea how my guy is playing, but he always seems to show up in the majors. Somehow, he is still sitting at an incredible 33rd in the Official World Golf Rankings despite playing in very few point-earning events. A new father this past year, one would think this brings additional perspective that will help him complete the third leg of the Grand Slam. Playing out of Jupiter, FL, a warm round of applause for the five-time major winner, noted jet skier, fisherman, and paddleboarder, Mr. Brooks Koepka! 

Valero Texas Open

Mr. Commish,

It occurred to me that our league should probably have a set of "rules" to consider before making a pick. I am not talking about the documented league rules (such as, you can't use a player more than once, etc.), but rather some informal guidelines to think about before selecting a golfer. Something kind of like the "rules" set forth by the great Jethro Gibbs of NCIS fame. In any case, one of them should be:

• "Always be wary of any player with a glossary term named after them."

Our good friend, the supremely talented F*&king Will Zalatoris, made the cut only because the cut line miraculously moved northward late in the day on Friday which brought an incredible 83 players into the weekend. Despite this fortuitous occurrence, Willy Z. still finished nearly in last place. This, after going runner up at the Genesis and T4 at Arnie's tournament just weeks earlier. I think the lesson is to be suspicious of any of these people. They became glossary terms for a reason. We have short memories, and how quickly we forget about those times in the past when we have been unceremoniously Elkington'ed, Parnevick'ed, or God forbid, Ober-Hosed. Let's be vigilant out there.

We stay in the Lone Star State this week, moseying from Houston to San Antonio for the Valero Texas Open. My picks have been rather poor over the last three weeks, so it is time to turn things around. There is no better way to do that than with a member of the winning 2023 Ryder Cup team. A rising star on the international golfing stage at the ripe young age of 23, my guy already already has four professional wins on his curriculum vitae. There is nothing listed in his PGA TOUR bio, which gives me artistic license to say he loves a good bonfire during the Danish holiday of Sankt Hans Aften, he's a rabid fan of FC Nordsjælland (go Tigers!), and his favorite meal is smørrebrød washed down with an ice cold Carlsberg. Playing out of Aarhus, Denmark, give it up for the 37th ranked player in the world, and the twin brother of Rasmus, Mr. Nicolai Højgaard!

Texas Children's Houston Open 

Mr. Commish,

Well honey, you and God in heaven above

Know I love what I do for a livin', I do

Ah, but Houston

Houston means that I'm one day closer to you

-Houston (Means I'm One Day Closer to You) - Larry Gatlin & The Gatlin Brothers

Mr. Commish,

After great success a couple of weeks ago with Scottie, I have now experienced back-to-back missed cuts with PGA TOUR stalwarts, J.T. and The Golden Child (who, like his buddy J.T., has also made "The List."). Unbelievable! I would have fared better with a 50-year-old Stewart Cink. The only good news from last week? Apparently, there is a Happy Gilmore 2 in the works.

Like a bat out of Detroit, we finally leave The Florida Swing™ and head to a place where the stars at night are big and bright (clap, clap, clap, clap), deep in the heart of Texas. Welcome to the Texas Children's Houston Open at Memorial Park Golf Course! This tournament has a storied history dating back to 1946 with many Hall of Famers as champions, but it hasn't been played since November of 2022. With five sponsorship changes in as many years, and tournament dates being shuffled to the fall on the good 'ol "wraparound" schedule, it seemed the Houston Open had fallen out of favor. However, it now finds itself back in its rightful and original spot two weeks prior to the Masters. So, saddle up, enjoy some Texas-style barbecue, and let's get this fantasy golf season back on track!

Given that we are a year and a half removed from the last time we played Houston, it is hard to know who might fare well here. I might as well take an adopted Texan. Sitting at a cool 29th in the Official World Golf Rankings, my guy is regaining his form and showing the brilliance and promise that we loved about him prior to his back surgery last year. Playing out of Dallas, TX, give it up for the former Arnold Palmer Scholarship Winner at Wake Forest, noted foodie, and golf course money game buddy of Tony Romo, Mr. Will Zalatoris! 

Valspar Championship

Mr. Commish,

Here is some actual footage of me after Justin Thomas missed the cut at The PLAYERS...ouch! Let it be known that J.T. has officially made "The List." Missing a cut at the richest signature event basically means that, to mix sports metaphors, you are getting lapped by the field. Those precious FedEx Cup points vanish into thin air as you watch yourself fall like a rock in the season-long race to the championship, leaving you wondering what might have been. Even more tragic, it cost me my lead in the fantasy golf league and knocked me off the podium for the time being. 

However, there is a lot of golf left to be played, as the old saying goes. This week we head to the Gulf Coast for the last leg of The Florida Swing™. Welcome to the Valspar Championship at Innisbrook Resort in lovely Palm Harbor, FL. For a middling event, it has attracted a respectable field which presents us with some quality player options.

Valspar is a manufacturer of paint, and the principles and elements of art will be on full display this week. My guy is a true artist on the golf course, sitting at an impressive 16th in the Official World Golf Rankings. Well rested after a missed cut at The PLAYERS with his good pal, J.T., last week's poor performance provides contrast to the fact that had a decent showing at this event last year, which will give him great perspective. Being a multiple major winner, he has tremendous skills to read the lines and texture of the greens. His swing is like something from the realism art movement; a thing of beauty, providing balance, rhythm, and unity. Also proficient in the language arts, he is known for extensive banter with his caddy, Michael Greller. Unrelated to golf, his snazzy outfits also provide us with a master class in color theory, too. From Dallas, TX, give it up for the "Tissot of the Tee Box," Mr. Jordan Alexander Spieth!

The PLAYERS Championship

Mr. Commish,

Last week we learned the following:

1. Scottie Scheffler is really good

2. You can put up big numbers at Bay Hill

3. We found out who everyone thinks the best dressed golfers are

This week we find ourselves at the unofficial "5th major." The PLAYERS Championship at TPC Sawgrass at Ponte Vedra Beach, FL, historically boasts the deepest field in all of golf, and it usually produces spectacular drama and theatrics on par with a musical number in a Mel Brooks film. This is also the largest purse on the PGA TOUR schedule, so there is mucho dinero at stake.

I have already used World #1, so Scottie, the current betting favorite, is no longer available to me. But that is okay, because he is going to be all worn out from hoisting a wheelbarrow full of money after last week's win. My guy is no slouch. Coming off of an uncharacteristically mediocre year that required a charitable captain's pick to be included on the U.S. Ryder Cup team, he is finally showing some signs of the good form he is typically known for. Look for his trusty looper, "Bones," to be his North Star, guiding him around treacherous Sawgrass to reach the promised land where, in that great gettin' up morning, he triumphantly ascends to his rightful place at the top of golf's highest mountain. Put your hands together for the son and grandson of PGA club pros, husband of Jill, good friend of Jordan, and arguably the best golfer to come out of the Alabama Crimson Tide program, Mr. Justin Thomas!

The Arnold Palmer Invitational & The Puerto Rico Open

Mr. Commish,

A couple of scenes from last week served as a reminder that golf is hard. When you see the pros do things like this and this, it makes you realize that we are all human and this horrible, torturous sport owes us absolutely nothing. Anyhow, a big congratulations to the former roommate of Viktor Hovland, Mr. Austin Eckroat, on his first professional win at the Cognizant.   

The PGA TOUR's best take their considerable talents to Orlando, FL, for the Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill Club and Lodge. A signature event with a lot of dough on the line, it will be important to capitalize on this lucrative opportunity. Time to break out World #1! My guy was born in Ridgewood, NJ, although he is pretty much considered an adopted native Texan by now. Only 27 years of age, and already with $45 million in career earnings, he is a veritable check cashing machine. If he's not winning, he's nearly winning, so there is never really a bad time to take him. Say hello to the 2022 Arnold Palmer champ, a former University of Texas standout, good friend of Sam Burns, and husband of the adorable Meredith, Mr. Scottie Scheffler!

But wait, there's more! We also head to the unincorporated U.S. territory of Puerto Rico Suave for the Puerto Rico Suave Open. This is a deescalated event with few household names in the field because all the big guns are at the aforementioned Arnie Palmer. First prize is something like $500 in pro shop credit, so there is not a heck of a lot on the line here. My guy is sitting at 68th in the Official World Golf Rankings, so it's kind of weird he isn't in Orlando. This two time DP Tour winner has struggled in recent months following a move to Florida, but there is no better way to find your form than at one of these junior varsity events. The favorite son of Oban, Scotland, he is undoubtedly a fan of the local scotch distillery that predates the town. Give it up for the former shinty player (not a typo, and I was today years old when I learned that shinty is a Gaelic sport not unlike field hockey), and candidate for MVP of the 2023 Ryder Cup afterparty, Mr. Robert "Bob" MacIntyre!

Cognizant Classic

Mr. Commish,

Homeless Hubs fell apart on the weekend, I am sad to say. And your countryman, Sami Valimaki, a lumbering Finn who looks like he drinks glögg for breakfast, made a valiant run at the title. But can we talk about the Mexico Open winner, Jake Knapp? The dude was a former nightclub bouncer, and now he is using his special skills to beat up golf courses. This is like Dalton from the Double Deuce winning a PGA TOUR event; a remarkable story that has a Road House / Tin Cup crossover feel to it. (An enterprising screenwriter needs to get on this!) We even saw a cute moment on Sunday where he took time to greet his girlfriend. Normally, I would be critical of an athlete losing focus like that in the heat of battle, but I am willing to make exceptions. When a gorgeous blonde flies in from Canada to just see you play golf, you absolutely drop what you are doing to greet that gorgeous blonde. He made the right call. Well played, Jake Knapp, in more ways than one. 

This week we commence with "The Florida Swing!" The PGA TOUR descends upon Palm Beach Gardens for the tournament formerly known as The Honda Classic. Information technology giant, Cognizant, has ponied up the dough to keep this struggling tournament alive, so welcome to the Cognizant Classic in The Palm Beaches. A middling event that struggled with star power in recent years has attracted a surprising number of the top 100 players in the Official World Golf Rankings, so we have many fantastic options. Following a pesky and arguably unfair suspension for a banned substance found in an over-the-counter cough medicine, my guy is rebounding with a good season. Only 32 years of age, he is already a seasoned veteran who has been a pro since 2011. Currently sitting at 6th in the FedEx Cup standings, this big hitter from Seoul, South Korea, has what it takes to handle The Bear Trap at PGA National. Playing out of Orlando, FL, a warm round of applause for a guy who is a great, humorous, and brutally honest follow on X / Twitter, and the son of Olympic medalists in table tennis, Mr Byeong Hun An!

Mexico Open at Vidanta

"You may have survived Cleveland. You may have escaped from New York. But this is L.A., vato. And you're about to find out that this f@*%ing city can kill anybody!"

-Georges Corraface as Cuervo Jones in Escape from L.A.

Mr. Commish,

What a bloodbath The Genesis Invitational was! The interwebs are ablaze with an interesting conspiracy theory; could the In-N-Out Burger Truck at Riviera C.C. have been Ground Zero for the carnage that ensued? Our tournament host, El Gato Grande, withdrew early in the second round with a bug and was taken for the longest, most convoluted golf cart ride over hill and vale down the service roads of Riviera (they might still be driving around Pacific Palisades somewhere). In what can only be described as adding insult to injury, Mr. Jordan Alexander Spieth apparently destroyed a bathroom after the Friday round and then was DQ'd for, of all things, signing an incorrect scorecard. Young Tom Kim nearly missed his tee time on Sunday (no word whether or not that was burger-related). Not to be outdone, Patrick Cantlay said, "I'll have what Tiger and Spieth are having," and also took ill Sunday morning, eking out a 4th place finish to squander his dominating start. We may never know the truth. All I can say is the boys must be thrilled to get out of Los Angeles in one piece.

We head south of the border this week for the Mexico Open at Vidanta, a middling event that looks more like a deescalated event on paper. Most of the heavy hitters are taking the week off, leaving only 4 of the top 50 in the Official World Golf Rankings to tee it up at Vidanta Vallarta. Despite the lack of star power, tournaments like this are the perfect opportunities for the journeymen pros to make a name for themselves and change their fortunes for the better. My guy is one of those journeymen who is quietly having a decent start to the year. He's 5 for 5 in made cuts, including a 4th place finish at Pebble Beach. A T18 at last year's Mexico Open tells me he knows how to get around this track. A bit of a character known for occasionally breaking out some unconventional putting styles such as "The Snail" or the no-look putt, he is becoming a fan favorite, too. Perhaps most important, he wasn't in the field at The Genesis last week to catch whatever bad juju was going around. Thankfully, nobody has ever caught a stomach bug in Mexico, right? From Denver, Colorado, sitting at a solid 28th in the FedEx Cup standings, three cheers for a man who likes to have a good time, "Homeless Hubbs" himself, Mr. Mark Hubbard! 

The Genesis Invitational

Closing time, one last call for alcohol

So, finish your whiskey or beer

Closing time, you don't have to go home

But you can't stay here

Closing Time - Semisonic

Mr. Commish,

One can't help but think we have gone a bridge too far with the gigantic party that is the WM Phoenix Open. What a circus! Drunk and rowdy spectators were out in full force. They managed to piss off a golfer or two, which is not a good thing. Also surprising was seeing our very own Rob Zielinski in attendance! Who knew he was in Scottsdale? In any case, we should have listened to Shooter McGavin. Decades ago he warned us that all of this was coming.  

This week we find ourselves in the high rent district of Pacific Palisades, CA, for The Genesis Invitational at the posh Riviera Country Club. Being a signature event guarantees the presence of all the big names. Even El Gato Grande is making his first appearance in 2024! Having so many quality players to choose from could be seen as a daunting task. However, I am going to dig deep into my bag of tricks and reveal the secret sauce that guarantees success in fantasy golf; pick somebody good.   

And let me tell you, my guy is good. Born in nearby Long Beach, CA, he has 8 career wins, a FedEx Cup Championship, and multiple Ryder and Presidents Cup teams to his name. With all the Marco Simone "Why isn't he wearing a hat?" Ryder Cup nonsense behind him, he is primed to get things rolling on the West Coast swing. Sitting at 7th in the Official World Golf Rankings and playing out of Jupiter, FL, give it up for one of UCLA's finest golfers, a guy who is definitely not on Rory McIlroy's Christmas card list, Mr. Patrick Cantlay!

The Waste Management Phoenix Open

Mr. Commish,

A trivia question for you; "Ockie Strydom" is:

A). an obscure grunge band from the early 1990's Seattle music scene

B). a South African professional golfer on the DP World and Sunshine Tours

C). an easily treatable condition but one that is embarrassing to admit how you got it

If you said B, you would be correct! Since Rory decided to do a freefall on the Pebble Beach leaderboard, I ended up watching some of the DP event in Bahrain this weekend. This guy with a fabulously unique name, Ockie Strydom, finished 4th! Let's jump on the Ockie bandwagon now. Mark my words, this guy is going to show up in a major someday. Nantz, Hicks, or Tirico will act like they are introducing him to the world, and we can proudly say, "Thanks, but we've been cheering for him for YEARS!"

**Comish Note: Ockie Strydom sounds like a band I saw in St. Cloud at The Press in 1990 :-)

This week we find ourselves in the Arizona desert for the WM Phoenix Open. A signature event last year, for some reason it has now been relegated to a middling event. Tournaments are now getting moved to different divisions and tiers? Is golf becoming like European soccer? Whatever the case, it is the biggest party on the PGA TOUR. And who better to tame TPC Scottsdale and the rowdy, inebriated patrons than my guy. Sitting at a tidy 22nd in the Official World Golf Rankings and 9th in the FedEx Cup standings, he came so close to winning Phoenix a couple of years ago. With one win and a number of top tens under his belt since then, he seems poised and prepared to deliver this time around. From Orange, CA, a round of applause for a product of Pepperdine University, a kid who used to hit intentional shanks at the driving range as a bit of gamesmanship, Mr. Sahith Theegala!

The AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am

And I've changed, I've changed

I've reconsidered everything

I've Changed - Josh Joplin Group

Mr. Commish,

Before we begin, a huge shout out to my French brother from another mother, Matthieu Pavon, for his triumphant victory at the Farmers Insurance Open last weekend. My people! He had quite a journey to get his first win on golf's biggest stage. And his accent is outrageous! 

Big changes are in store as we head to the northern California coast for the completely revamped AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am. Severely lacking in big dogs in recent years, Pebble Beach has been "reimagined" and is now a newly minted signature event with a $20 million dollar purse on the line. The field size has been significantly reduced to 80 pros and 80 amateurs (with amateurs playing only on Thursday and Friday), and they are only playing a two-course rotation of Spyglass Hill and Pebble (sorry, Monterey Peninsula C.C.!). We are ushering in a different breed of amateurs as well, largely eschewing the usual Hollywood crowd. Those of you hoping to see such celebrity stalwarts as Bill Murray, Tom Dreesen, and Gary Mule Deer will have to settle for the likes of Aaron Rodgers, Larry Fitzgerald, and Tom Brady. We are entering a brave, new world of pro-am golf. Father Time marches on, and the old Bing Crosby Clambake is but a distant glimmer of light fading softly in the rearview mirror. 

With a stacked field of heavy hitters, one might as well go with the heaviest hitter of all. My guy won the Hero Dubai Desert Classic a couple weeks ago and nearly won the Dubai Invitational earlier in January, so you could say he is playing really well in the New Year. Recently freed from the shackles of his duties on the PGA TOUR policy board and having to listen to every low-ranking member whine about their First World problems ("Blah, blah, blah! The signature events have too many FedEx Cup points! Blah, blah, blah! There are too many limited field invitationals!"), he is poised to go scorched earth on the golfing world this year. With 24 career wins, he is currently sitting at #2 in the Official World Golf Rankings, and it seems like it is about time to add a win at Pebble Beach to the curriculum vitae. From Holywood, Northern Ireland, give it up for the four-time major winner, decorated Ryder Cup veteran, father of Poppy, and die hard Manchester United fan, Mr. Rory McIlroy!

The American Express

 Mr. Commish,

Well, the Kevin Kisner Experiment™ didn't exactly go as planned. Kis wasn't sharp after coming out of the broadcast booth last week. Clearly, my strategy was based on emotion and not logic. The only positive that came out of the Sony Open was that we got to relive Smylie and Jordan attempting to fish many years ago.

We find ourselves entering the mainland portion of the West Coast Swing. Welcome to The American Express in the California desert oasis of La Quinta! After a really poor start to the year, I find myself languishing in last place. In most years, it is customary to "save" highly ranked golfers for the majors and more prestigious events. Given my situation, it is time to mix sports metaphors, call an audible, and throw a Hail Mary.

My guy comes from the vaunted "Class of 2011," which seems strange to say because these guys are still young. However, that was 13 years ago. Currently 6th in the Official World Golf Rankings, this seven time winner and Olympic gold medalist from San Diego should be right at home playing in the desert. He always seems to play well everywhere and probably should have more wins than he does. With the maybe true/maybe not reports of him nearly being kicked off the Ryder Cup team last year along with the "Hat Gate Scandal" of his BFF long behind us, this is going to be his year, and hopefully his week. Unrelated to anything, congratulations to him for landing a smoking hot wife. Three cheers for the pride of the San Diego State Aztecs golfing program, a lover of a good cigar, and a guy whose last name I have to Google every time to ensure the correct spelling, Mr. Alexander Victor Schauffele!

The Sentry

Mr. Commish,

The entire world of golf seems to be in chaos as we slide into 2024. Since the last season ended, one of the biggest names in the sport made the jump to LIV. There is still no formal agreement for the PGA Tour, DP Tour, and LIV merger, as their December 31st deadline was missed. The TGL virtual league (which I still do not fully understand what it is) suffered a major setback and has been postponed until 2025. PIP, points structure, and entrance to specific events is causing consternation between the elite players and the rank-and-file members. Rory and LaCava likely did not exchange Christmas cards this holiday season. Pros are eating hot dogs mid-round, guys are hitting sky balls that don't advance beyond the forward tees, there's human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria! Well, whatever happens in what will no doubt be a crazy year in golf, we, the merry band of TGABTPMO members, are ready to embark on another great fantasy golf crusade. I have spent the off season basking in the glow of my victory and major award, but I am gearing myself up for a valiant title defense!

As is tradition, we find ourselves at the Plantation Course at Kapalua for the first event of the new calendar year; the tournament formerly known as the Sentry Tournament of Champions, which is now just called "The Sentry." In yet another change in nomenclature, "The Sentry" is now referred to as a "signature" event. You might recall these events were once called "elevated" and later "designated." No matter what you call them, this is simply code for a tournament with big money. And the field is slightly larger than in years past. This year they take not only all of the previous season's winners, but anyone finishing in the top 50 of last year's FexEx Cup points is also eligible. So there are a few more golfers to choose from than usual. Although, one really doesn't need to go past the first player in the field listed alphabetically by last name.

My guy has had an absolutely meteoric rise over the last several months. A college kid as recently as May, he turned pro last summer and played well enough to make it onto a winning Ryder Cup team by the end of September. The dude hasn't even played in a major yet and he finds himself ranked 32nd in the Official World Golf Rankings. Already with two worldwide wins on the PGA and DP tours, he has proven to be a top ten machine. His off season dedication indicates he is ready to pick up where he left off. How do you say wunderkind in Swedish? Put your hands together for the young phenom, Eslov, Sweden's very own, Ludvig Åberg!