Wyndham Championship

Mr. Commish,

(Extreme Dennis Miller voice) "What can we say about Jean Brislance? Folks, this guy leaks more oil than Deepwater Horizon!"

Following a missed cut from the 15th ranked player in the world, along with a series of unproductive picks in recent weeks, I find myself having squandered a large lead while limping toward the finish. Strong out of the gate but not much for stamina, as a jilted ex-lover might say (none of mine, of course; just using this metaphor to make a point). While things have been trending toward the bleak, there is one event left, and this event represents hope for ultimate victory. As one of the great thinkers of our time, Lloyd Christmas, once said, "So you're telling me there's a chance?" With that, we say welcome to the Wyndham Championship at Sedgefield Country Club in Greensboro, NC!

Since the Wyndham is the last event for the top 70 to make the FedEx Cup playoffs, the conventional wisdom would be to pick a motivated golfer on the bubble. I am going to buck that logic and select someone who is sitting comfortably in 49th in the FedEx Cup standings. He is playing well as of late with a series of recent top tens, and he won at this track back in 2019. A product of Western Carolina University and born in the city of Hickory, there should be good vibes playing in his home state. He played well at the 3M last week despite a costly 18th hole, but my man has a winning mindset that will benefit him in the future. Unrelated to anything, his caddie, Aaron Flener, is a great singer. Playing out of Saint Simons Island, GA, give it up for my savior this week, a lover of hunting and fishing, husband of Kelly, the "Other J.T." himself, Mr. J.T. Poston!

and by Special Request, Mr Scott Hansen:

Eric reached out to see if I would write something about this weeks showdown with Jean for the Fantasy Gold Title. Hell yes! I see I won the title in 2011, but I have never had the opportunity to add to the trophy. I don’t think. But I could barely remember the win, let alone the trophy, so I could be wrong on that as well. Let’s see if I can come from behind and win it this year, which would put me on track to win it all again in 2035,

when I will be 72 years old!

First of all, I remember the first time I wrote musings for this site, that it was because I was always in the basement, hell I have the futility award named after me! And seventeen million points this year? I remember the good old days when three million would win it. Get off my lawn!

I have no clue who I am going to pick for the final. Truly. I took all the big names I could think of this year, and I don’t think I have any big names left to take except for Tiger Woods, and I am not going there. Which means I will have to research and them hope and pray. Maybe Jean will once again miss the cut and my work will be easier.

I have to say this, though. I love being in this league, I love that Eric puts the work into it, and even if I come in second, I would tip my hat to Jean who has put on a spectacular show this year and just making a haul.

Just win, baby!

3M Open

I see my lead is shrinking as we head into the final two events of the season. Time to come out swinging, put some points on the board, push this thing over the goal line, and every other sports idiom you can name.

The PGA TOUR once again finds itself in the Land of 10,000 Lake for possibly the worst week to host a tournament for the following reasons:

1. The last major of the year just concluded, so aside from the ceremonial FedEx Cup stuff, the season is kinda over. 

2. As the meteorological goddess, Stephanie Abrahms, would say, "Late July in Minnesota is going to be hotter than a billy goat in a habanero pepper patch." 

3. Most of the big guns are saving themselves for the playoffs, or didn't want to make the long trip from Royal Liverpool to Anoka County, therefore they are not here. 

Welcome to the 3M Open in Blaine, MN, at TPC Twin Cities! A middling event with a somewhat depleted field, this one is.Normally my strategy would be to select someone who is just outside of the playoff bubble. They should be the most motivated to play well to keep their playoff hopes alive. However, I still have this dude available. Leaving no sports idiom unturned, you can't leave World #15 on the bench. 

My guy has been a mainstay on leaderboards over the last two seasons, and he has a couple top tens in as many weeks. Amazingly, there is no bio on his PGATOUR.com page, so that gives me creative license to make one up. In addition to a stellar golfing career, other notable achievements include being the first chair trumpet in the Fordham Prep band, and he was also the captain of the spelunking team. Special interests are ultimate frisbee, home brewing, storm chasing, and vintage Corvettes. Let's hear it for the Wake Forest Demon Deacon standout, a guy who I think looks a lot taller on TV than he really is (5'11''), Mr. Cameron Young!

Barracuda Championship & The Open Championship

Mr. Commish,

Before we begin, congratulations to Vincent Norrman on his first PGA TOUR victory at last week's Barbasol Championship. As we know, this de-escalated event is smaller in status, and nothing says "You won, but all the best players were in Scotland" like a very small trophy to match! I mean, Webb Simpson won a bigger one for his triumphant victory in the "whole hog" division at the 2015 Roanoke-Chowan Pork Fest Barbecue Championship. It makes our fantasy league's top prize look like the Wanamaker Trophy. Go big or go home.

We head to Hoylake, Wirral, England for the holiest of holy tournaments, the 151st Open Championship at Royal Liverpool. Hopefully Troy Hawke will be there to greet everyone like he did at the Scottish Open. Anyhow, with Rory in take-no-prisoners mode returning to the site of his Open victory in 2014, and with Scottie having finished no worse than 12th in his last 19 (!) events (and with me having used both), I feel like I am picking for 3rd place. And who better to finish in 3rd place than the defending champion. My guy is sitting at 7th in the Official World Golf Rankings, and he is the highest ranked player I have left. Making big coin on the LIV Tour, I have no idea what kind of form he is in. But the man is tenacious and has a short game that many a golfer lusts after. He has a mullet that would make a Minnesota hockey mom say, "Nice salad, kid." He also has a dachshund named Kendrick. From Brisbane, AU, a round of applause for the winner of nine international tournaments, a man who wants to do nothing more than open a coffee shop, tinker with cars, and go fishing when he retires, Mr. Cameron Smith!

For the second week in a row, we had a de-escalated event for those unlucky golfers who did not qualify for The Open. Welcome to the Barracuda Championship at the Tahoe Mountain Club's Old "Lee" Greenwood Course in scenic Truckee, CA! My guy is currently ranked 62nd in both the OWGR and the FedEx Cup standings, yet he somehow did not qualify for the season's final major. A bit of a character and a self-professed amateur cook and professional eater, he is known for his sense of style and appreciating the finer things in life. He has one PGA TOUR win in his career and should probably have a few more, so there is no better time than the present to notch victory #2. Playing out of St. Simon's Island, GA, give it up for the former Georgia Bulldog standout, the husband of Claire, and the restorer of old Jeeps, Mr. "Cashmere" Keith Mitchell!

Genesis Scottish Open and Barbasol Championship

Mr. Commish,

Time to pour a wee dram of Deanston 12-year and tuck into a steaming pile of haggis as the big boys head across the pond for their final Open Championship tune-up. Welcome to the Genesis Scottish Open at the Renaissance Club in North Berwick, Scotland. Upon reviewing the field listing, I have used an alarming number of the top dogs. It would probably be wise to stay somewhat local and select someone from the British Isles, and this fine gentleman is available. My guy is a major winner, Ryder Cupper, and Olympian. With two PGA TOUR wins and four international titles under his belt, he possesses a great familiarity with the weather of Scotland and has all the tools necessary to hoist the trophy. This 30th ranked player in the Official World Golf Rankings also has a background in rugby, soccer, Gaelic football, and hurling. (I am not sure if "hurling" is an actual sport, or if it is the result of too much Guinness stout following a wild night on the town, or maybe even both!) From Clara, Ireland, give it up for the University College Dublin alumnus, a man who likes to have a good time, Mr. Shane Lowry!

Not to be forgotten, there is a second tournament to pick for this week. Welcome to the Barbasol Championship at Keene Trace Golf Club in Nicholasville, KY! This is a de-escalated PGA TOUR event for those who didn't qualify for the Scottish. The best player in the field is sitting at 112th in the Official World Golf Rankings, so this will truly tax our prognostication skills! In the end, it won't matter much since the winner earns about $300 and a lifetime supply of shaving cream. But I am going to throw a dart and take this guy who seems to be on a bit of a heater. Having just earned a Special Temporary Membership with his performance at the John Deere, he is ranked a mind numbing 327th in the OWGR. However, he has been a contender in the last two events that featured considerably more talent, so this is a really good sign given the depleted field. Playing out of Fresno, CA, three cheers for the former BYU standout, a lover of fishing and skiing (thankfully not at the same time), Mr. Peter "Don't call me Johnny" Kuest! 

John Deere Classic

Mr. Commish,

Time to pour a wee dram of Deanston 12-year and tuck into a steaming pile of haggis as the big boys head across the pond for their final Open Championship tune-up. Welcome to the Genesis Scottish Open at the Renaissance Club in North Berwick, Scotland. Upon reviewing the field listing, I have used an alarming number of the top dogs. It would probably be wise to stay somewhat local and select someone from the British Isles, and this fine gentleman is available. My guy is a major winner, Ryder Cupper, and Olympian. With two PGA TOUR wins and four international titles under his belt, he possesses a great familiarity with the weather of Scotland and has all the tools necessary to hoist the trophy. This 30th ranked player in the Official World Golf Rankings also has a background in rugby, soccer, Gaelic football, and hurling. (I am not sure if "hurling" is an actual sport, or if it is the result of too much Guinness stout following a wild night on the town, or maybe even both!) From Clara, Ireland, give it up for the University College Dublin alumnus, a man who likes to have a good time, Mr. Shane Lowry!

Not to be forgotten, there is a second tournament to pick for this week. Welcome to the Barbasol Championship at Keene Trace Golf Club in Nicholasville, KY! This is a de-escalated PGA TOUR event for those who didn't qualify for the Scottish. The best player in the field is sitting at 112th in the Official World Golf Rankings, so this will truly tax our prognostication skills! In the end, it won't matter much since the winner earns about $300 and a lifetime supply of shaving cream. But I am going to throw a dart and take this guy who seems to be on a bit of a heater. Having just earned a Special Temporary Membership with his performance at the John Deere, he is ranked a mind numbing 327th in the OWGR. However, he has been a contender in the last two events that featured considerably more talent, so this is a really good sign given the depleted field. Playing out of Fresno, CA, three cheers for the former BYU standout, a lover of fishing and skiing (thankfully not at the same time), Mr. Peter "Don't call me Johnny" Kuest! 

Mr. Commish,

This week we head to the Quad Cities, a metropolitan area shared between Iowa and Illinois which has given us the likes of Lara Flynn Boyle (Davenport), Eddie Albert (Rock Island), and NCIS: Los Angeles actor Eric Christian Olsen (Bettendorf).  Welcome to the John Deere Classic, a.k.a., the "Fifth Major," at TPC Deere Run in Silvis, IL! 

I am beginning to think that the PGA TOUR set up the schedule so they could do a regional pizza tour of the Midwest. Last week it was Detroit-style at the Rocket Mortgage. This week we have the lesser known Quad City-style pizza. What qualifies a pizza as Quad City-style? There are a number of little things, but the main differentiating factors appear to be the cut (long, rectangular strips as opposed to slices or squares), as well as the unique addition of malt and sometimes molasses to the dough, which imparts a nutty and slightly sweet taste. If one has to be stuck in the Quad Cities in July, it sounds like you can at least get a good regional 'za.

Sitting in 33rd place in the Official World Golf Rankings, my guy has been stringing together some nice finishes and cashing some large checks this season. A versatile athlete, he was a four-year starting guard at Georgetown Prep High School before going on to become a two-time All-American golfer at the University of Virginia. He has been so close to getting his first win this year! There is no better place to do it than at a middling event such as the John Deere with a somewhat depleted field since a lot of the heavy hitters are already hitting the road for Scotland. Playing out of Jupiter, FL, put your hands together for a man with a short game that is the envy of many a golfer, a lover of the outdoors, beaches, and ping pong, and cousin to comedian Greg "Fitzdog" Fitzsimmons, Mr. Denny "Wally" McCarthy!

Rocket Mortgage Classic

Mr. Commish,

This week we find ourselves in a city where Huey Lewis insists that the heart of rock 'n roll is still beating, scenic and lovely Detroit, Michigan. Welcome to the Rocket Mortgage Classic at the old and historic Detroit Golf Club! Unrelated to anything, did you know that Coney dogs are considered a specialty in the Motor City? When I heard this, I thought someone was pulling my leg. On the surface it seems out of place, kind of like Cincinnati five-way chili, or the West Virginia pepperoni roll. While the provenance is up for some debate, it turns out Coney dogs have a long and storied history here with many local variations in Michigan. One source said they are so popular that people will serve them at weddings. Heck, this place will even cater the wedding for you! I don't know if there are any Michiganders on the PGA TOUR who grew up eating this stuff, but I am rooting for one to win the Masters someday. Could you just imagine Coney dogs on the Champions Dinner menu? The post-dinner photo showing everyone with Coney sauce all over their green jackets would be priceless. In any case, I am sure the boys playing the Rocket Mortgage Classic will be enjoying plenty of tasty dogs this week, along with another local contribution to the culinary landscape, big slabs of thick, bready, greasy Detroit-style pizza.

But enough about food; on to the golf! 

My guy is a young phenom. He already has two career wins despite recently turning the legal drinking age (he celebrated his birthday with World #1, Scottie Scheffler), and he even has one Presidents Cup team appearance on his curriculum vitae. What is not to like about his game? I am high on this kid, and I will be joining GOLF.com's Claire Rogers as a member of his fan club. Also, I don't believe there are any marshy areas on the Detroit Golf Club, so there should be no potentially disastrous viral moments similar to the PGA Championship at Oak Hill. Hailing from Seoul, South Korea, give it up for the wunderkind, the Christmas guest of the Spieths, Thomas the Tank Engine himself, Mr. Tom Kim! 

Travelers Championship

Mr. Commish,

Oh Rickie, you were so close! Despite my selfish fantasy golf-related heartbreak, it was a pretty entertaining U.S. Open that had a little bit of everything. Here are a few highlights and noteworthy items that might have slipped under the radar:

• Courtesy of Shooter McGavin, here is Jordan Spieth with a very audible F-bomb during Friday's round. (Sounds remarkably similar to me after Rickie made his sixth of seven bogies on Sunday)

• Adam Hadwin, the RBC Canadian Open action hero, saw his odd adventures continue when he threw a club deep into the brush and retrieved it himself.

• Cameron Young hit a tee shot that, incredibly, ended up in the ball holder of a golf cart! Hole in one?

• JT and Homa, with nothing better to do on Sunday, were drinking and offering up commentary during the final round. 

• Wyndham Clark's work ethic was on display back in February. During Colt and Sleeze's charity scramble, The Larry, Wyndham took time to work out following the golf and was late to the post-round festivities and libations. Dedication and hard work pays off, obviously!

This week we fly all the way across the county to Connecticut for the Travelers Championship. Another super colossal designated event! Heavy hitters galore! Step right up and win huge prizes! My guy is already a two-time winner this season, and he is hungry for more. Currently sitting at 12th in the Official World Golf Rankings, he is the highest ranked player I have left. He has cashed in 15 of his 17 events played this year, so he has been consistent. Coming off of a fairly stress-free U.S. Open, he should be primed and ready to tackle the TPC River Highlands course. Give it up for the fire knife dancer, die hard Lakers fan, father of five, and the rebounding leader on his high school basketball team, Mr. Tony Finau!

The US Open

"I'd like to dream my troubles all away

On a bed of California stars

Jump up from my star bed and make another day

Underneath my California stars"

-Billy Bragg & Wilco, California Stars

Mr. Commish,

This week we put aside all the merger talk to focus on our third major of the year, the U.S. Open. We find ourselves in the Golden State at the historic and snooty Los Angeles Country Club. According to Forbes Magazine, it is one of the top 20 most exclusive private clubs in America. How exclusive? They once turned down Bing Crosby for membership, and he lived on the 14th fairway! Their list of unacceptable attire reads as if they were rifling through my closet (I feel seen. Just "@" me next time, LACC.). The bad news? I will never be allowed on site. The good news? Majors on the West Coast mean prime time golf coverage on TV, baby!

I had thought about riding the newfound wave of Canadian glory by taking Adam Hadwin, but after seeing him get decleated during the Nick Taylor celebration at the RBC, I am having second thoughts. That was quite a hit! Former Dallas Cowboys defensive end, Marcus "Big Swagu" Spears, said on ESPN's Get Up that the security guard should be given an NFL contract for the impressive "swim move" and textbook tackle. Adam's hilarious wife, Jessica, says he is fine, and it appears that he is upright and ambulatory. Even though the USGA is trying to keep him safe this week, all of this gives me pause. Besides, for the U.S. Open - our national open - one really must choose someone from the good 'ol U S of A. Even better, someone from California.

My guy, hailing from Murrieta, is having a sneaky good year. Sitting at 25th in the FedEx Cup points and 44th on the Official World Golf Rankings, he's been making cuts and hammering some pretty big paychecks despite having no recent wins. What a perfect place to claim your first major, thereby ending a nine year Golf Boys major drought. Give it up for the Oklahoma State standout, husband of Maya, brand ambassador for Rocket Mortgage and Farmers Insurance, former dirt bike rider and current tandem bicycle rider, Mr. Rickie Fowler!

***************

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

TGABTPMO League Expansion Announced

MAPLE GROVE – 08-Jun-2023 – The recent news of the PGA TOUR, DP World Tour, and LIV Golf merger sent shockwaves through the sporting world. The aftereffects have already started trickling down to fantasy golf.

TGABTPMO League Commissioner, Eric Paine, announced that starting in 2024, the league will now start picking for events across all tours.

“This is a great moment in the history of the TGABTPMO League,” Paine said in a written statement. “Because of the merger, and thanks to a large financial commitment from the Public Investment Fund (PIF), this allows us to expand the league to account for every tour imaginable. We will be picking for everything under the sun, baby! It represents a remarkable opportunity for us to grow the game of fantasy golf.”

League members were informed of these upcoming changes in a meeting earlier this morning. Following the meeting, Jean Brislance, longtime league member and two-time champion, was the only one willing to speak to the media.

“The meeting was heated and intense,” said Brislance. “I mean, last year I was seriously considering making the jump to the rival TGABTPMO LIV Golf League so I could make fewer picks and earn more money. But I stayed out of loyalty. And this is how I am repaid?”

Members were at odds with the sheer number of picks they would have to make on a weekly basis.

“Can you imagine the amount of time and research this will require?” Brislance asked. “I know nothing about the DP World Tour! What on earth is the D+D Real Czech Masters? Who in the hell is Marcel Siem? There are so many unanswered questions right now.”

Brislance added, “Once the dust settles, this is probably a good thing for fantasy golf. It’s just a lot to take in right now. Other than the Commissioner who got paid, the only person who seemed happy about this was Rob Zielinski, as he was relieved to learn he would not need to set up a server farm in his basement to support the infrastructure.”

Reporters were unable to reach Commissioner Paine for comment. Paine was reportedly last seen in his office diving into Scrooge McDuck-sized piles of cash.

***************

The RBC Canadian Open

Mr. Commish,

This week we head north of the border to the land of Dudley Do-Right, a country where Labatt Blue flows like wine. Welcome to the RBC Canadian Open! My guy is famous for being the first golfer from Poland to win on the DP World Tour. He is now a three-time winner and is in good form. According to the Global Affairs Canada website, "The Canada-Poland relationship has a strong historical foundation that is rooted in the deep personal ties to Poland maintained by the 1 million strong Polish-Canadian community," so he should feel right at home. He is also a big fan of sports, movies, and traveling. A round of applause for the lanky 6' 5" big hitter currently sitting at 45th in the Official World Golf Rankings, and the former East Tennessee State Buccaneer who earned his degree in business finance, Mr. Adrian Meronk! 

The Memorial

Mr. Commish,

It is the first week of June, which can only mean one thing; welcome to the Memorial Tournament at Muirfield Village in Dublin, OH. Ah, the house that Jack built! When in Ohio during the month of June, the one thing you can count on is sultry weather, and this week will be no exception. The Weather Channel goddess, Stephanie Abrams, is calling for temperatures in the upper 80's and even some 90's in Dublin as we head to the weekend. "Hotter than Dutch love," she exclaimed, which is quite a colloquial and brutally honest statement for a meteorologist to say on live TV. In any case, all the stars will be present for what will be the steamiest designated event of the season with mucho dinero and a pile of FedEx Cup points on the line.

My guy is Australian, but he is basically considered an adopted local. Living about 30 minutes from Muirfield Village, he gets to sleep in his own bed. Thi 13 time winner and major champion has experienced a career resurgence as of late, and he definitely has the chops to tackle Jack's place. Not a surprise given his excellent practice facility at home! Currently sitting at 22nd in the Official World Golf Rankings, let's give three cheers and a g'day mate to the man from Brisbane, a guy who is competing with Finau and Simpson to see which PGA TOUR player can have the most kids (the Masters Par 3 Contest tee box will be crowded if that threesome ever comes to fruition), Mr. Jason Day!

Charles Schwab Challenge

Mr. Commish,

BROOOOOOKS KOEPKAAAAAAAA! Wow, what a PGA Championship, and I am ecstatic to once again be in the pole position. As good as Brooks' week was, I don't think anyone had a better tournament than Michael Block. Getting to play with Rory, the hole-in-one on 15, and the mad scramble to get up and down to secure a spot in the PGA at Valhalla next year, not to mention a few PGA TOUR sponsor invites in the coming weeks? Incredible! Having spent many of my formative years working at a golf course that hosted a couple of Minnesota Section PGA Championships, which sent qualifiers to the PGA Professional Championship, most of these club pros are great guys and real characters who just love golf. Well done, Mr. Block, and I hope those IPAs tasted great on Sunday night.

Unrelated to anything, did you see this little nugget from the press conferences prior to the PGA? A reporter asked Dustin Johnson about his back injury from earlier in the year, and it sounds like it occurred while hoisting Paulina. Imaginations are running wild, but it appears he hurt himself while doing something fun. For those keeping score at home, DJ is one of the best golfers on the planet, has hundreds of millions in the bank, and he apparently gets to reenact the Swayze / Lynch love scene from Road House with the hot daughter of The Great One. It's good to be the king.

This week we are in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex (weren't we just here for the Byron Nelson?) for the tournament formerly known as The Colonial. Welcome to the Charles Schwab Challenge. This is a middling event, however it boasts a rather impressive field considering it is following a major. Sitting at a sweet 29th in the Official World Golf Rankings, my guy is a Brit who is having a good year with a win at Pebble and a nice finish last week at Oak Hill. He's kind of an old school pro which should be a good fit at an old school course like Colonial. Hailing from London, give it up for the major winner, European Ryder Cup hero, Olympic gold medalist, and ice cream aficionado, Mr. Justin Rose!

PGA Championship

Mr. Commish,

Welcome to the second major of 2023, the PGA Championship in Rochester, NY, at a place where there are many rules (better leave those halter tops and cargo shorts at home...this ain't no Bushwood, sir!), historic Oak Hill Country Club. 

I did some digging, and a membership at this joint will reportedly set you back $10K to $25K a year once you get past the $78K to $100K initiation fee. All of this is contingent on getting three senior members to give you a referral. Rory apparently made the cut and is a member of Oak Hill. It turns out his wife is from Rochester, and he can easily afford it. My sorry ass, on the other hand, cannot. 

What was I talking about again? Oh, yes, the PGA Championship! 

I was going to do my weekly rant about how I have used up most of the top talent. But then I remembered a host of LIV golfers are still eligible for various reasons, and there was much rejoicing! My guy is one of the true bad boys of golf. Brooding, intimidating, and surly are just a few of the words one could use to describe him. He has been playing great on the LIV Tour and made a run at the Masters, so there is no reason this two-time PGA champion shouldn't have his "A" game. Not only that, but his wife, Jena Sims, apparently made it as one of the twelve finalists for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition open casting call. Looks like Martha Stewart aced everyone out for the cover, however. (I'll let you Google that one yourself. My internet search history now has an entry for "Martha Stewart Sports Illustrated Swimsuit," and I feel dirty and slightly turned on.) From Jupiter, FL, put your hands together for the four-time major winner, President of the Bryson DeChambeau Fan Club, and Captain of Smash G.C., Mr. Brooks Koepka!

AT&T Byron Nelson

Mr Commish,

Rather than recap the massive failure that was the Collin Morikawa Experience™, I thought I would point out this colorful character to you. I was watching the Italian Open this past weekend, and Tapio "The Hat" Pulkkanen from Finland was in contention for a time. A journeyman on DP World Tour, he is known more for wearing fashionable trilby hats than his performance on the course. It is a very stylish and unique look, for certain. Let's hope he finds his game so we get to see more of him. How fun would it be if the European Ryder Cup team had to design a team uniform matching trilby hat for Tapio some day?

This week we are deep in the heart of Texas for the AT&T Byron Nelson at TPC Craig Ranch (Loosely related, I am disappointed that the restaurant at TPC Craig Ranch doesn't have a "Craig Ranch Dressing" for their "Craig Ranch Salad."  Seems like they are missing out on a branding opportunity.). This is the final tuneup before the PGA Championship, and there are a few heavy hitters in the field looking to play well before our second major of the year. My guy is a 20 year old phenom, already a two time winner on the PGA TOUR. Residing in Dallas, this is basically a home event for him as well, which means he gets to sleep in his own bed. Three cheers for the kid from Seoul, South Korea, the Christmas guest of Jordan Spieth, "Thomas the Tank Engine" himself, Mr. Tom Kim!

Wells Fargo Championship

Mr. Commish,

"You should probably save Tony Finau for a major," I told myself last week when researching picks for the Mexico Open. Whoops! A huge error for certain, as this will cost me the pole position on the leaderboard. But, my man Akshay Bhatia gave a valiant performance, so I am still within sniffing distance of the lead. 

Did you see the crazy situation from the early rounds of the Mexico Open where the Van Rooyen group had to dodge a swarm of bees? That was kind of wild! Of course, it reminded me of the bee scene in Tommy Boy. 

It is a busy time of year in sports. We have both the NBA and NHL playoffs in full swing (Max Homa is posing some great hockey questions that I would also like answers to). MLB and the NASCAR seasons are heating up as well. Adding to the excitement is yet another big money PGA TOUR designated event in Charlotte, NC. Welcome to the Wells Fargo Championship at Quail Hollow! Most of the heavy hitters are here, and in what is becoming a trend, I have used most of the top dogs. But I do have this guy available. Sitting at 14th on the OWGR, this five time winner already has two majors to his name at the ripe old age of 26. He's been a little quiet as of late, suffering from the dreaded curse of zero wins since getting married. But his game is showing signs of life, and I see no reason that this couldn't be his week to break through again. Put your hands together for the Cal Berkeley grad, Ryder Cupper, and the Laurel to Max's Hardy as a proud member of Team Homakawa at the Zurich Classic a few weeks ago, Mr. Collin Morikawa!

Mexico Open

Mr Commish,

A correction and retraction to my musings from last week, as it seems that I am a purveyor of fake news. I guess the Zurich Classic of New Orleans does not do the walk-up music for the teams anymore. Either that, or every single golf reporter and sports blogger failed to cover it. This is highly disappointing, as I was looking forward to dissecting the list of songs and mocking the musical tastes of some. One can only imagine what might have been. It is a given that the Canadian duo of Adam Hadwin and Nick Taylor would have featured a Canuck band like the Barenaked Ladies or Rush. The Fitzpatrick brothers? Oasis, for sure. I would assume my guys from the deep south, Horschel and Burns, would have played country music. Maybe a little Eric Church? Sadly, the world will never know since this short-lived tradition has apparently ended. We just can't have nice things.

Speaking of nice things, this week we head south of the border to beautiful Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Because I have been keeping up with Eva Longoria's Searching for Mexico television series, I know that this city is located in the state of Jalisco, which has given us such culinary wonders as birria. They also produce a staggering 98% of the world's tequila here. Eva did not mention this in the Jalisco episode, but this area is also home to the Mexico Open at Vidanta!

The Mexico Open is a middling event with a field that looks like a deescalated event, something akin to a Korn Ferry Tour major if there was such a thing. Most of the big guns are sitting this one out following a brutal stretch of big money tournaments. I am going to take a flyer on a young kid who just earned a Special Temporary Membership on the PGA TOUR. He's only 21 and has already been a pro for 4 (!) years (Man, when I was 17, my only goal in life was to get a stereo with a cassette deck for my truck). His bio says very little, only noting that his sister inspired him to play golf, and he loves Korean barbecue. Look for him to do well this week in a depleted field. Playing out of Wake Forest, NC, a round of applause for one of the skinniest players in the game and a huge Golf Boys fan, Mr. Akshay Bhatia!

Zurich Classic

Mr Commish,

(Extreme professional wrestling announcer's voice) "OH, NO! IS THAT JEAN BRISLANCE'S MUSIC I HEAR???" Yes indeed, I find myself in the lead, baby! To quote Soul Coughing, "Move aside, and let the man go through." Shout out to Patrick Cantlay for helping me achieve this honor. I had already used both Spieth and Fitzmagic, so Cantlay's 3rd place finish is the best I could have possibly done. I really should try to stay somewhat humble, as all of this could be quite fleeting. I will enjoy the limelight while it lasts.

We find ourselves down on the bayou for a middling event known as the Zurich Classic of New Orleans, which is actually played in the town of Avondale, at TPC Louisiana. A team event, this one is. Speaking of music, one of the fun elements of this tournament is that the teams get to select their own walk-up music for first tee introductions. This always ends up being a rather eclectic mix that reveals some diverse musical tastes. I might have to do a recap next week, as there is no published list of walk-up songs for this year's teams as of this writing. But I will say this; if nobody includes a little Filter or Huey Lewis & The News, they are missing a great thematic opportunity.

Alas, it appears I have used up the odds-on favorites, so I cannot select the Law Offices of Cantlay & Schauffele. But my team is formidable. One guy, a real estate enthusiast, has won the Zurich back when it was a normal stroke play event and in the newer team format. His partner is a native Louisianan, hunter, fisherman, and a recent WGC winner, so that can only mean good vibes for the both of them. Three cheers for this week's winners, Mr. Billy "Billy Ho" Horschel and Mr. Sam "Don't Call Me Montgomery" Burns! 

RBC Heritage

 Clearly, I picked the wrong LIV golfer for the Masters! Who here among us expected Phil to play like the Phil of 2004? Good golly! I mean, DJ made the cut for me, but he finished nearly dead last (and to your point, I never saw him swing a club on TV). In any case, congratulations to Jon Rahm on his historic victory on Seve's birthday. It was meant to be. As fun and tasty as Scottie's Masters Champions Dinner sounded, I truly can't wait to see what Rahm does for a menu next year. My prediction (write this down for future verification); it will be Spanish-themed, of course, featuring an assortment of Basque pintxos to start, a dynamite seafood paella for the main, finishing with a flan that will knock your socks off.

We hop across the Georgia border to The Palmetto State and make a beeline to the coast. Welcome to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina! We are at the place with the fake lighthouse, Harbour (spelled with a "U" because they are fancy like that) Town Golf Links, for the RBC Heritage! The fact that this is another top dollar "designated" event is forcing many of the big names to play when they might have preferred a week off after a damp, hard fought Masters. Once again, here we are with a lot of the heavy hitters in the field, and I only have one participant in the top ten of the Official World Golf Rankings available to me. So I am going to go with him.

My guy is an eight time winner on the PGA TOUR and a member of past Ryder and Presidents Cup teams. Coming off a top 15 at the Masters shows that he is in good form. He is a man of great intelligence, which is exhibited by his appointment to the PGA TOUR Policy Board this year. Tenacious when he sniffs the lead, he's not the flashiest player or dresser out there, but I think the plaid sportcoat he will be wearing on Sunday following a victory will make a fine addition to his wardrobe. Give it up for the man from Long Beach, a lover of films (Quentin Tarantino movies are his favorites), and wine drinking buddy of the X-Man, Mr. Patrick Cantlay!

The Masters Tournament

Mr. Commish,

It is time for our first major of the season, Welcome to The Masters tournament at the swanky and exclusive Augusta National in Augusta, Georgia! I am looking forward to all the time-honored traditions unlike any other; Azaleas in bloom, cheap pimiento cheese sandwiches, ceremonial opening tee shots with the legends of the game, Amen Corner, awkward green jacket ceremonies in the Butler Cabin, and The Masters Drinking Game. Let's go!

However, my enthusiasm had been somewhat tempered. I am concerned that so far this season I have burned through a lot of the heavy hitting favorites. So many big names are no longer available to me due to my front loading of the schedule. But, what is this? Thanks to the Masters apparent policy of "entanglements with none" and refusing to get involved in the kerfuffle with the PGA TOUR, the defectors are being allowed to participate! I barely remembered these guys were still playing professionally. And just like that, LIV Golf breathes new life into my fantasy golf prospects!

My guy is a former Masters champion, so he knows how to get around the hallowed grounds of Augusta National. He is coming into this major well rested thanks to the lighter LIV schedule and being excommunicated from the TOUR. Nourished by "Scottie-style" sliders, a big 'ol Texas ribeye, and lots of expensive wine at the Champions Dinner, my man will be properly fueled for the task at hand. As Tears for Fears said in their 1989 hit, Sowing the Seeds of Love, "D.J.'s the man we love the most." Give it up for the husband of Paulina, son-in-law of The Great One, winner of the 2022 LIV Golf individual championship, and the captain of the 4Aces, Mr. Dustin Johnson!

Valero Texas Open

She said the Alamo

Was someplace we could go

Or to the Hemisfair

To ride the needle there

And all along the River Walk

Well, all she did was talk

And all I did was think

Things are about to change

-Lyle Lovett, San Antonio Girl

Mr. Commish,

Once again the PGA TOUR finds itself deep in the heart of Texas! Welcome to San Antonio for the Valero Texas Open at the TPC San Antonio Oaks Course. I think the PGA needs yet another new term. This is neither a designated event like the Dell Match Play, nor is it a bottom-shelfer like the deescalated Corales Puntacana (I mean, my guy Van Rooyen made a mere $8 grand after making the cut last week. With expenses, he probably lost money by playing there!). The Valero is just a regular ol' TOUR event. What should we call these tournaments? They are average in rank, status, and prize money, so I think I will go with "middling."

San Antonio is a well known party town, so I think it is important to pick a stable person without too much of a wild streak who is capable of controlling themselves. You don't want some young, hotshot pro wrecking their week looking for fun and ending up face down on the River Walk (You know, Face Down on the River Walk would be a great title for a memoir. I will contact Joel Dahmen's agent, post haste!). 

Currently sitting at 66th in Official World Golf Rankings, this nine time winner on TOUR was the oldest player in the field at the Dell Match Play last week. He is playing some sneaky good golf with three top tens so far in the 2022-2023 wraparound season.  A former US Amateur champion, Ryder and Presidents Cup veteran, and a notorious prankster, he is also the man who famously introduced Webb Simpson to his eventual wife, Dowd, at Sybi's and his gender reveal party (who needs A.I. to make up facts when it is so easy to do it yourself?). A round of applause for the former Georgia Tech Yellowjackets standout, Mr. Matt Kuchar!  

World Golf Championships - DELL Match Play / Corales Puntacana Championship

Mr. Commish,

My man, Tommy Fleetwood, had a nice showing at Valspar. A big shout out to Jordan Spieth for missing that short putt on 18, which helped Tommy into a T3 and a few extra bucks! Jordan might want to see Brewski for some putting lessons. 

Somewhere along the way, terminology was changed. Originally the big tournaments being infused with large sums of suddenly found money were referred to as "elevated" events. Now, for reasons unknown, they are being called "designated" events. Whatever you call it, we've got one of them this week in the form of the WGC Dell Technologies Match Play in Austin, TX. The 64 best golfers in the world are descending upon Austin Country Club, apparently for the last time, for a little PGA TOUR-style March Madness. Dissecting brackets gives me a headache at this point, especially after I had confidently picked Purdue as the overall winner of the NCAA basketball tournament. I'm just going with one of the highest ranked players I have available. This guy has 7 career wins and an Olympic gold medal to his name. He was part of a winning Ryder Cup team, too, so he knows how to get things done in match play. Give it up for the kid from La Jolla, CA, son of Stefan and Ping-Yi, husband of Maya, and wine drinking buddy of Patrick Cantlay, Mr. Xander Schauffele!

We also have a second event, which is anything but elevated or designated. For those who did not qualify for the WGC, we say welcome to the deescalated and undignified Corales Puntacana Championship in the Dominican Republic! Here you will be playing for tens of millions less than your counterparts in Austin. But the really good news is that the FedEx Cup points for this tournament are nearly cut in half from that of a regular TOUR event. Oh well, at least there will be a trophy! In the big picture, isn't that all that matters? A native of Bellville, South Africa, my guy is a winner on the PGA TOUR and sits at 117th in the Official World Golf Rankings. He was a multi-sport athlete as a youngster (cricket, rugby, track and field) before deciding to focus exclusively on golf. A self-taught guitarist, he loves to jam to the music of the Foo Fighters, AC/DC, and Guns 'N Roses (Slash must be very proud). Three cheers for the former University of Minnesota Golden Gophers standout, a man with a mustache so impressive that it would make Gary McCord stand up and applaud, Mr. Erik Van Rooyen!

Valspar Championship

Mr. Commish,

My man, Viktor Hovland, salvaged a really nice and profitable T3 at The PLAYERS Championship, which is the best I could have done since I already used both Scheffler and Hatton. And it looks like many other league members had terrific weekends as well. However, I don't think any of us had as much fun as Amanda Renner did playing in her mom's 9-hole golf group. Living her best life! Good to see Amanda making the most of her off weeks while Hicks, Zinger, and the folks at NBC Sports cover the "Florida Swing." 

This week we find ourselves in Palm Harbor, FL, for the Valspar Championship at Innisbrook Resort on the difficult Copperhead Course. As is becoming a trend, I already used many of the players at the top of the gambling lines charts, so one would think my choices are becoming more difficult. However, this week is easy. All I had to do was look at my WWGJD bracelet ("What would Golfing Jesus do?"), and I had my answer.

Since Valspar is a maker of paint, it is only appropriate that I am choosing an artist, both on the course and in real life. A golfer with some serious acting chops, he currently sits at a sweet 27th in the Official World Golf Rankings. His swing is as pretty as a Valspar "Frosted Sage" paint sample. Coming off a decent week at The PLAYERS Championship, he seems poised and ready to add to his seven worldwide titles. They call him "Golfing Jesus" for a reason. Borrowing heavily from the Footprints in the Sand poem, when you look back on your life and see only one set of footprints on a sandy beach in Florida, it was then that Tommy Fleetwood carried you to a triumphant victory in fantasy golf. 

Give it up for the man from Southport, England, the Ryder Cup legend himself, Mr. Tommy Fleetwood!

The PLAYERS Championship

Mr. Commish,

A nice, feel good story coming out of the Puerto Rico Suave Open was that Akshay Bhatia finished second and secured a Special Temporary Membership on the PGA TOUR (this provisional membership is what your good friend, F. Will Zalatoris, took advantage of when bursting onto the scene a few years back). Knowing that every shot counts, part of Akshay's journey to achieve this status involved stripping down to play a shot out of a penalty area at the Honda Classic a couple weeks ago. First of all, good for that young man. However, I do think taking your clothes off in this fashion is something that only the pros can get away with. If I stripped down to my undies on a golf course, I am relatively certain I would be arrested. Again.

This week we find ourselves at the non-major that should really be the fifth major. Welcome to the The PLAYERS Championship at the fabulous TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, FL, where a $25 million dollar purse is on the line! Let's see, who to choose this year? Well, I guess the defending champion is out. And it appears I have already used a significant (and concerning) number of the top ranked heavy hitting favorites so far this season. But I do have this guy available. A multiple tournament winner on both the PGA TOUR and the DP World Tour, he was the first Norwegian to play for Team Europe in the Ryder Cup. So far in the 2022-2023 season, he has been over par only once in 32 rounds, so he is scoring well. Expect the Norwegian broadcast team to go nuts when my man hoists the trophy and the $4.5 million dollar check on Sunday.

Give it up for the pride of Oslo, resident of Stillwater, OK, a big fan of fårikål (a traditional Norwegian lamb and cabbage stew), heavy metal aficionado, and huge poker nerd, Mr. Viktor Hovland!

The Arnold Palmer Invitational / The Puerto Rico Open

Mr. Commish,

I have been binge watching The Fall Guy on Amazon Prime. You might recall it starred Lee Majors as Colt Seavers, a Hollywood stuntman who moonlights as a bounty hunter. I loved this show as a kid (the fact that 80's pin-up goddess, Heather Thomas, was a co-star probably had a lot to do with it). Anyhow, while the trip down memory lane has been fun, I can't help but feel that something seems really different. 

The theme song (sung badly by Majors himself) and the opening credits take a whopping 2 minutes and 50 seconds (yes, I timed it); an absolute eternity by today's standards. The scenarios he finds himself in are also quite implausible. For instance, in one episode the bad guys throw a molotov cocktail in the back of Seavers' truck. His solution to save his truck and put out the fire was to jump it off of an embankment into a lake. In the spirit of the golf league, here is another scene where he takes a woman's golf cart, shoves her into a pond, and goes on a low-speed chase on the course ("It's Seavers...step on it!" LOL!). It's all so contrived and hokey. 

Don't get me wrong; none of this has stopped me from watching. The campy acting and rather stiffly choreographed fight scenes are worth a few laughs. Occasionally you spot a production error such as a brace holding up the car that is supposedly driving down the road on two wheels. And the cameo appearances from the likes of Farrah Fawcett, Don Ho, Cathy Lee Crosby, and even Tom Selleck with his Magnum P.I. Ferrari 308 GTS are nostalgic and fun. But what can I say? While still amusing and mildly entertaining, tastes do change over time, and occasionally something you previously thought was awesome loses its luster.   

Speaking of losing its luster; welcome to the Puerto Rico Open! This week we find ourselves at the Grand Reserve Golf Club in sunny Rio Grande, Puerto Rico Suave. An "elevated" event only by the old, defunct Hooters Tour standards, the total purse is over $16 million less than what the boys at Bay Hill are playing for this weekend. Good golly! Naturally, most of the talent is finding themselves in Florida. On a wing and a prayer, I am going with a guy who is 249th in the Official World Golf Rankings. He might not be a top tier golfer, but he is a consummate professional, so I am hoping for nothing but the best. Three cheers for a lover of vodka and water, "The Big Rig" himself, Mr. Harry Higgs!

What hasn't lost its luster is the Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill Country Club in Orlando. A $20 million dollar purse is becoming the new normal for these historic tournaments. With a loaded field, the cream will rise to the top once again. My guy is ranked 25th in the Official World Golf Rankings. He's a wild man. He's got a temper. You might even consider him a bit of a golf psycho. He's also a former winner at Bay Hill, so that has to be worth something. Hailing from High Wycombe, England, give it up for a man who once gave the middle finger to a fan at the British Open, the incredibly accurate Mr. Tyrrell Hatton!

Honda Classic

Mr. Commish,

Before we start, two minor administrative notes:

• Did you see the island green from the DP World Tour's Thailand Classic last week? A freakin' boat is required to get to it!

• A follow up on Rob's streaker friend from the WM Phoenix Open; Sean Patrick McConnell's bail was paid by an underwear company. 

We traverse this great nation from west to east as we begin the Florida swing. Welcome to the Honda Classic at the PGA National Resort on The Champion Course (the home of the notorious Bear Trap) in sunny Palm Beach Gardens, FL! Apparently all the star power was left in California, as we only have 5 players in the top 40 (!) of the Official World Golf Rankings teeing it up this week. With everybody and their brother playing in the "elevated" events over the last two weeks, tournaments like the Honda are attracting depleted fields akin to the Corales Puntacana Championship. As a result, I will have to dig deep into my bag of tricks. And that means I will simply go with the highest ranked player in the field.

My guy is a two time winner on the PGA TOUR and is sitting at a tidy 18th in the Official World Golf Rankings. He's only 24, but being the grinder that he is, he's already played in 133 career events. A superstitious fellow, he apparently never uses a #4 golf ball because the number is a symbol of bad luck, so you know he is a bit nuts, too. But he is clearly fun to be around, as Jordan Spieth called him one of his top five favorite people to golf with. Look for him to be breaking out the "Gangnam Style" dance this Sunday to celebrate his victory. 

A round of applause for the man from Jeju, South Korea, the 2019 PGA Tour Rookie of the Year, former Presidents Cup International team member, and noted foodie, Mr. Sungjae Im!

Genesis Invitational

Mr. Commish,

I think I have finally figured out how to reclaim my championship form in fantasy golf. The key to success is process-oriented. They say if you focus on the process, the result will take care of itself. So if I just stick to the process of picking winners all the time, I should do really well. Happy Gilmore applied a similar logic to his golf game. I can't believe it has taken me so long to figure that out.  

In addition to my man, Scottie Scheffler, winning a Scrooge McDuck sized pile of money, what didn't the WM Phoenix Open have to offer? There were enthusiastic fans, we had very generous players, many celebrity sightings, Shooter McGavin was living his best life, and we had a streaker, complete with a great mugshot (the dude has some serious hockey hair, so I will assume he is a friend of Rob Zielinski). I mean, Hubbs was even inspired enough to break out "The Snail." What an incredible event!

We hop back over to California this week for the prestigious Genesis Invitational at the Riviera Country Club in swanky Pacific Palisades. It's another "elevated" event with big money on the line. Of course, this tournament is generating a lot of buzz with the return of "El Gato Grande." But one should not be distracted by this, as the real story is that 23 of the world's top 25 are here. Lots of heavy hitters to choose from! Last week I took World #2, who is now World #1. So I see no reason not to go with the current World #2. My guy is basically the face of the PGA TOUR. With 23 career wins and multiple Ryder Cups under his belt, he is consistently one of the best. He has all the shots to conquer Riviera, and his new driver offers more "fargiveness," so I fully expect him to be holding the trophy on Sunday.

A round of applause for the favorite son of Holywood, Northern Ireland, husband of Erica, father of Poppy, hater of Greg Norman, and drinking buddy of Shane Lowry, Mr. Rory McIllroy!

WM Phoenix Open

Mr. Commish,

"By the time I get to Phoenix,

She'll be rising,

She'll find the note I left hanging on her door."

-Glen Campbell

I am not going to dwell too much on Pebble Beach. The Matt Fitzpatrick Experience™ was not what I had envisioned, the weather was horrible, and Fitzmagic got caught in some of the worst of it. Probably best just to know that these things happen, enjoy a glass of a bourbon fine enough to grace Amanda Renner's home bar, and move on to the next.

And what exactly is next? Oh boy, it's a good one. Welcome to the Valley of the Sun for the WM Phoenix Open at TPC Scottsdale! This is now considered an "elevated" event, so the purse has risen to a staggering $20 million. Logic dictates that when there is this much money on the line, you go with one of the very best. In this case, I am going with World #2. My guy is coming off an amazing season in 2022, notching four wins, including his first major at The Masters. He has such swagger that he already informed Bubba Watson that he will be sitting at a separate table during this year's Masters Champions Dinner. I think he was joking, but wouldn't it be funny to have all the LIV guys sitting on some folding chairs at a rickety card table in the Augusta National clubhouse kitchen, much like the kids table at Christmas dinners of yore? Good stuff. Anyhow, he is dedicated, hard working, and an old soul. Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow is stopping him from his relentless preparation. His PGA TOUR profile page lists no special interests, which can only mean he will be completely focused on golf during the circus that is the WM Phoenix Open. Heck, he won this event last year and clearly knows how to get around this track, so we are talking good vibes all around.

Give it up for a man who hails from Dallas, TX, the former Longhorn standout, husband of Meredith, brother of Callie, Sara, and Molly, good friend of Sam Burns, and all round fantastic human being, Mr. Scottie Scheffler!

AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-AM

Mr. Commish,

MAX HOOOOOMMMMAAAAAA, you wonderful, hairy, and magnificent golfer! It looked like Sam Ryder was in control going into Sunday. However, prior to the start of the final round, I could not help but notice he made a horrible fashion decision. No golfer shall be allowed to win wearing pants like that (see Exhibit A: the infamous Billy Horschel octopus pants), and the Golfing Gods were swift and merciless with their retribution. Max was able to capitalize on Ryder's major wardrobe faux pas and claw his way to victory. He now has six career wins after making a mere $18K on tour back in 2017. Remarkable. 

We will see if my savant-like ways continue this week at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am on the swanky Monterey Peninsula at the historic and iconic Pebble Beach Golf Links. The PGA TOUR's best will once again rub elbows with such A-list celebrities as Illenium, Macklemore, and Alfonso Ribeiro. (Chances of the "Carlton Dance" making an appearance? 100%.) This year's tournament seems devoid of its usual star power, presumably because many of the heavy hitters are saving themselves for the $20 million dollar purse at the "elevated" Phoenix Open next week. However, my "Spidey Senses" are tingling, telling me this guy is a total ringer. He really came into his own last year and even captured his first major. It is a fact (unverified) that he is the second most famous athlete to have attended Northwestern University, right behind Ryder Cup captain, Luke Donald. Although he has played sparingly, only three times, in the new season, his results have been T13 or better. No doubt he is poised to put his name on the Pebble Beach Wall of Champions with the likes of Jack Nicklaus, Tom Watson, Tiger Woods, and Bill Murray. 

A round of applause for the favorite son of Sheffield, England, eight time winner worldwide, Ryder Cupper, and candidate for Most Eligible Bachelor on the PGA TOUR, 

"FitzMagic" himself, Mr. Matt Fitzpatrick!

Farmers Insurance Open

Mr. Commish,

Three cheers and a Ric Flair "WOO!" for JON RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHMMMM! Hallelujah, a rare winning pick! Cashing in on Rahm's ongoing heater felt mighty sweet last week. It has been a while, and I am feeling rejuvenated. Cautiously inspired, there is a renewed sense of fantasy golf optimism as I claw my way back toward the lead. On to the next.  

We head from the California desert to sunny San Diego for the Farmers Insurance Open at one of the all time great municipal golf courses, Torrey Pines. The bad news? I have already used Jon Rahm, who is probably going to run away with this thing. The good news? I have yet to use this California kid, who could give Rahm a run for his money. This U-C Berkeley product (with a degree in something called "Consumer Behavior," whatever that may be; you can major in anything these days!) is coming off his best season in 2022. His only flaw is being a Los Angeles Lakers fan, and the ongoing feud with Joel Dahmen may still be simmering, but otherwise he is regarded as a pretty upstanding dude. Currently 4th in the FedEx Cup standings and 16th in the Official World Golf Rankings, he has long since recovered from his Presidents Cup afterparty hangover and is ready to rock in the New Year.

Hailing from Burbank, CA, and playing out of Scottsdale, AZ, put your hands together for the husband of Lacey, new father of Cam, and big fan of the egg-roll salad at the tony Whisper Rock Country Club, Mr. Max Homa!

The American Express

Mr. Commish,

Let it be known that "The Golden Child," Mr. Jordan Alexander Spieth, has officially made "The List!" He was co-leading The Sony after round one. After round two, he was catching an early flight back to the mainland. Only the SECOND PLAYER IN FOUR YEARS to hold a lead and miss the cut! This is going to be a really long fantasy golf season. Well, at least this gave Jordan a little free time to learn all about his new RV. My guess is that it is one of those awesome rock star tour bus rigs, probably nicer than Cousin Eddie's. 

This week we head to the desert for The American Express Championship. Hello, La Quinta, California! La Quinta is Spanish for "The Fifth," which makes no sense at all. The fifth what? Given that this area is touted as the number one golf destination in the USA, you would think they would have named it La Primera. 

Anyhow, I am quickly losing ground, so I must swing for the fences with a really talented golfer (Mixing sports metaphors is probably as dangerous as "crossing the streams" in Ghostbusters, but desperate times call for desperate measures). When in doubt, go for the player at the top of the gambling odds! My guy is good. How good, you ask? Well, he is currently 4th in the world and 4th in the FedEx Cup standings. In fact, he's so damn good that Ryder Cup Captain, Luke Donald, wants the great Rory McIlroy to play more like him! Coming off a win at Kapalua tells us he is in great form, too. I see no reason this Callaway-wielding conquistador won't triumph over the American Express field this week. Playing out of Scottsdale by way of Barrika, Spain, put your hands together for US Open champion, Ryder Cup winner, and the first ever guest on the Golf Subpar podcast with Big Gravy and Sleeze, Mr. Jon Rahm!

The Sony Open in Hawaii

Mr Commish,

Last week's Sentry Tournament of Champions proved costly for me. The good news? Justin Thomas made $213K. In most weeks that is a relatively decent payday and nothing to sneeze at in fantasy golf. The bad news? I am nearly $2.5 million out of first place thanks to the PGA TOUR suddenly finding some extra cash in the couch cushions for these "elevated" events. OUCH! It's already going to be a tough row to hoe in our fledgling season. The one positive to come out of this week? At least JT and Homa are becoming good friends. 

This week we take a puddle jumper from Maui to the neighboring island of Oahu for the Sony Open in Hawaii. Welcome to the historic Waialae Country Club in Honolulu, home of the "Big W" palm tree tribute to "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World." Allow me to drop some knowledge from my extensive* research; did you know that 17 of the last 24 winners of the Sony played in Kapalua the week prior? My guy checks that box. Fast becoming an old soul and cagey veteran at the ripe old age of 29, he seems destined to reclaim the form that gave him multiple majors early in his career. The man commands respect. I mean, who can administer a beatdown in the President's Cup and then convince one of the International team members to babysit his son? On Christmas, no less! He will have Waialae begging for mercy when he lifts the trophy on Sunday. Thank God Smylie Kaufman is no longer on tour to potentially derail this week with another disastrous fishing trip. Hang on...realizing Smylie joined The Golf Channel / NBC Sports and will be one of the roving reporters this week. Oh, no! Someone please hide my guy's tackle box.

Playing out of Dallas, TX, give it up for the husband or Annie, father of Sammy, good friend of JT, and the man who learned how to play craps from Tom Hoge, Mr. Jordan Spieth! 

*Briefly scanned the storylines of The First Look column on PGATOUR.com

The Sentry Tournament of Champions

Mr. Commish,

A brand new season of fantasy golf is upon us, and I am very excited. How excited? As excited as Sungjae Im doing the "Gangnam Style" dance at the President's Cup afterparty, my friend! 

We head to the southernmost archipelago in the United States to the land of pineapples and Spam for the Sentry Tournament of Champions at Kapalua Resort in Maui, Hawai'i. The first tournament of the season is always a gamble. Nobody has really played any meaningful golf since maybe October. My guy has at least been swinging a club in the off season. He most recently participated in the PNC Father-Son, and he and good pal, Jordan Spieth, took out Tiger and Rory in the latest edition of "The Match." He and Bones don't quite have the swagger and style of, say, Chi Chi Rodriguez and his Masters caddie from back in the day, but then again, who did? They are still a formidable team, and they have a great track record at Kapalua. No doubt a little sore that his beloved Alabama missed the college football playoffs, but I sure he feels pretty good about the can of whoopass the Crimson Tide opened on Kansas State in the Sugar Bowl. In any case, my guy is ready to kick off the New Year with a win and add another golf ball to his father's collection.

Playing out of Jupiter, FL, put your hands together for the pride of St. Xavier High School in Louisville, Ryder Cupper extraordinaire, SB2K alumnus, bourbon aficionado, and noted collector of Air Jordans, Mr. Justin Thomas!