The Olympics

Mr. Commish,

I am fully aware that there is no PGA tournament this week on account of the Olympic Games. However, that's not going to stop me from making some predictions for this once-every-four-years world golfing event! 

I see the Olympic committee does factor in the Official World Golf Rankings as criteria for qualifying. Smart move to avert a potential Eddie the Eagle situation, thus preventing some wealthy Olympic delegation member in Andorra from sending his 28-handicap son to tee it up with Morikawa, JT, and the boys just to say he was there. We truly have a field of top golf talent from around the globe descending upon the Kasumigaseki Country Club (a.k.a., the Bushwood of Japan). Who will reign supreme by week's end? My medal picks:

BRONZE - Rory McIlroy. Rors has always seemed a little nonplussed at the idea of the Olympics. He bailed out of Rio in 2016, and he really doesn't seem to be very excited about it this year, either. But remember what happened to David Duval in 1999? He likened the Ryder Cup to an exhibition match beforehand. By the end, the dude was fired up! I expect something similar for Rory. He is going to get a taste of what it is like to win a medal for Ireland, and he has fellow Irish teammate Shane Lowry there to show him how to properly celebrate. 

SILVER - Guido Migliozzi. This spot was reserved for Louis Oosthuizen since he has finished runner up in every significant golf event ever, so he might as well add the Olympics to the list. Alas, Louis withdrew from consideration. How about a little Guido Golf instead? Our pizza loving friend wowed us with his seemingly out-of-nowhere 4th place finish in the U.S. Open. Guido's got game! The only thing possibly derailing an Olympic medal? Well, he is young, Italian, single and ready to mingle, and we know what goes on in the Olympic Village. If Guido can stay focused (and stay away from the beach volleyball players), I expect to see him on the podium. 

GOLD - Patrick Reed. I was going to pick Bryson until he had to withdraw. I figured he would win for sure, and then in the ultimate pro wrestling "heel" move, Bryson steps up to the podium, zips down his Team USA jacket, and reveals the uniform of France! Yes, Bryson was going to defect, giving France a rare summer games medal in something other than fencing. La Marseillaise begins to play. The French Tricolour is raised up the flagpole as DeChambeau defiantly shouts, "Vive la France! Vive la France!" A chorus of boos rains down from sport bars all over this great land. Ryder Cup points would be transferred to Europe, thereby paving the way for a true Brooks vs. Bryson Battle Royale at Whistling Straits in September. Now that the world is being deprived of that scenario, we are replacing the most polarizing golfer in the world with the other most polarizing golfer in the world. Even with the late addition, this is Reed's for the taking. After all, this is Captain America we are talking about, and he will be taking his patriotic swagger and love of winter rules to Tokyo on one of the most visible world stages. The man just might start an international incident, and I have my popcorn ready. USA! USA!

Let the games begin!

Jean

The 3M Open

Mr. Commish,

A few final words on the 2021 Open Championship:

• Regarding the Royal St. George's Golf Course - their head greenkeeper is cooler than all the other head greenkeepers combined. It's like he's a forgotten member of The Cure. Awesome!

• Do I win anything if my player breaks a club AND gives the finger to a spectator during the same round? I feel like there should be some sort of prize here. Tyrell had quite the Open experience, albeit a very short one.

• Also, Mr. Commish, I see your friend Bryson got into a spot of bother with his club manufacturer after saying his driver "sucks" during a post-round interview. This prompted Cobra's tour operations manager to respond in what can only be described as "...and the horse you rode in on!" fashion. Wow! I am guessing the next technical review meeting will be a barrel of laughs. In an eerily similar story, Club Pro Guy might be in trouble with his club manufacturer as well. So much controversy in golf these days!

It's time for our hometown event as the PGA TOUR returns to Minnesota for the third consecutive year. Welcome to Blaine, home of the TPC Twin Cities and the 3M Open! This week we are rolling out the red carpet to showcase our great state. Expect lots of cookies, bars, Jell-O salad, and lefse in the hospitality tents - ya, sure, youbetcha! 

Thanks to a double-missed cut last weekend, I have found myself unceremoniously unlocking the dreaded "mathematically eliminated" achievement. This means it is time to launch into a bunch of futile and stupid gestures for the remainder of the season. My guy this week is a real character. A journeyman pro, he hasn't come anywhere close sniffing a win this year. A multi-sport athlete in high school, he chose golf over basketball because he, in his own words, was not tall enough for the NBA. His biggest thrill outside of golf is heli-skiing, and if he was not a golfer, he would probably open a tiki bar in Bora Bora and drop off the grid (not making this up - it's straight from his PGA TOUR profile page). Best known for an elaborate proposal to his girlfriend at the 2015 AT&T Pebble Beach, he also garnered a bit of attention at the 2021 American Express for breaking out "The Snail" putting grip, which appears to combine technical knowhow with a bit of flair. A man of simple means, he sometimes drives his 2010 Honda CRV to the TOUR events and occasionally has trouble getting in because they don't believe he is a player. Ben Crenshaw, say it for me one more time! Let's give a huge Minnesota Nice welcome to a man known as @HomelessHubbs on Twitter, Mr. Mark Hubbard!

Thanks!

Jean

The Open Championship / Barbasol Championship

Mr. Commish,

Last week I submitted my pick prior to "The Match," so I was too late to comment in my previous missive. But how much fun was that? The golf, the scenery, the banter and trash talk; all good stuff. I wish they had something like that every week. The big winner in all of this, however, was not the team of Bryson and A-Rodg; it was Shooter McGavin. 

We venture overseas to an event the late, great Keith Jackson, in Rose Bowl parlance, would have called "the granddaddy of them all," The Open Championship. Links golf, baby! This year we are at Royal St. George's Golf Course at the home of John "Earl" Montagu (the original "Sandwich Artist" - Subway vehemently disputes this fact), the English coastal village of Sandwich, England. 

Lots of newbies are heading to The Open this year, and I am pleased to see that Max Homa is taking some time to learn the language and culture prior to arriving. That is always a good thing to do, especially when visiting a Third World nation. I think this can only mean good vibes for Max, but I have already used him. Instead, I will pick a local. Hailing out of High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, England, my guy is 10th in the Official World Golf Rankings. Known for his anger issues and salty language, he has the killer instinct and creative vocabulary needed to claim his first major. He was recently late for his own wedding. Here's hoping he isn't late for his tee time on Thursday. Put your hands together for Mr. Tyrell Hatton! 

Not to be outdone, we have a second event sponsored by a shaving cream company that I would argue carries equally as much prestige as The Open. That would be the Barbasol Championship at the Keene Trace Golf Club in Nicholasville, KY. Why this tournament has only half the FedEx points of The Open, along with a meager purse of $17 cash and a one-year membership to the Fuego Box Hot Sauce of the Month Club, I have no idea. But these guys aren't in it for the money. It is all about the trophy and the glory!

Winning the Barbasol Championship requires a razor sharp game. My guy is all lathered up and ready to go. The favorite son of Raleigh, NC, this tall, skinny drink of water has been playing some solid golf, recently losing in a playoff at the Palmetto Championship at Congaree by a really close shave. A good family man, and a bit of a character with his patented finger snaps, his next win will come just in the nick of time to qualify for the FedEx Cup Playoffs. Give it up for the maker of some mean biscuits, the former Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket himself, Mr. Chesson Hadley!

Thanks!

Jean

John Deere Classic

Mr. Commish,

Despite a smooth 67 on Sunday, my guy Joel Dahmen barely sniffed the top 20 in Detroit last week.I am thinking he could have done a little better if his caddie had proper footwear. Remember, it takes a team, and nobody does this alone! Either that, or his "feud" with Homa is getting to him. Who knows? In any case, we are on to the next.

This week we head to the old Quad Cities Open which now celebrates green tractors. While the Quad Cities was home to such prominent residents as Acie Earl, Eddie Albert, and Buffalo Bill Cody, nothing from this area is more famous than its PGA tournament, the John Deere Classic at TPC Deere Run in lovely, humid Silvis, IL.

My guy this week is considered a pretty good dude if we overlook the fact that he graduated from Duke. Quietly sitting at 52nd in the Official World Golf Rankings, his special interests include playing a mean guitar and winning Pebble Beach pro-ams with Larry Fitzgerald. According to his PGA Tour Profile page, he met his future wife, Courtney, "unexpectedly" in Las Vegas in 2004, with no additional context provided. I need a little more info. Stories of meeting women in Vegas that include the word "unexpectedly" tend to be really good, or they can take an ominous turn. But I guess things worked out okay for them. Give it up for the axe-wielding Cameron Crazy himself, Mr. Kevin Streelman!

Thanks!

Jean

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John Deere Classic

Mr. Commish,

Despite a smooth 67 on Sunday, my guy Joel Dahmen barely sniffed the top 20 in Detroit last week.I am thinking he could have done a little better if his caddie had proper footwear. Remember, it takes a team, and nobody does this alone! Either that, or his "feud" with Homa is getting to him. Who knows? In any case, we are on to the next.

This week we head to the old Quad Cities Open which now celebrates green tractors. While the Quad Cities was home to such prominent residents as Acie Earl, Eddie Albert, and Buffalo Bill Cody, nothing from this area is more famous than its PGA tournament, the John Deere Classic at TPC Deere Run in lovely, humid Silvis, IL.

My guy this week is considered a pretty good dude if we overlook the fact that he graduated from Duke. Quietly sitting at 52nd in the Official World Golf Rankings, his special interests include playing a mean guitar and winning Pebble Beach pro-ams with Larry Fitzgerald. According to his PGA Tour Profile page, he met his future wife, Courtney, "unexpectedly" in Las Vegas in 2004, with no additional context provided. I need a little more info. Stories of meeting women in Vegas that include the word "unexpectedly" tend to be really good, or they can take an ominous turn. But I guess things worked out okay for them. Give it up for the axe-wielding Cameron Crazy himself, Mr. Kevin Streelman!

Thanks!

Jean

-----------------------------------------------The Rocket Mortgage

Mr. Commish,

As I type this, Harris English and Kramer Hickok are in their 257th playoff hole at the Travelers Championship. This record may never be broken. 

The PGA TOUR heads to the lovely and scenic metropolis that gave us Pam Dawber, Tom Skerritt, and Kid Rock. Detroit, Michigan, we are in you! This week we have the Rocket Mortgage Classic at the historic, 122 year-old, Donald Ross-designed Detroit Golf Club. Certainly a fine venue for a golf tournament. It's no Three Jack National, but it will have to do.

My pick this week is well rested, as he somehow didn't qualify for the U.S. Open despite winning a PGA tournament earlier this year, and he didn't play last week at the Travelers Championship. Known for having a good time, he once shot a bogey-free 67 while hungover AND while using rental clubs. Keep listening to the same interview and you will hear another tale of playing hungover in Japan while he was down to his last golf ball, a la "Tin Cup." Unquestionably, he is a hero. While his "rivalry" with Max Homa is still simmering, it should not be a distraction. The aforementioned stories demonstrate a certain resilience and the mental fortitude of an uncommon man. With his trusted looper, Geno, on the bag, there is little doubt he is destined for big things in the Motor City this week. Give it up for a man who says he cooks a good breakfast and has a personal motto of "Have a lot of fun all the time," hailing from Clarkston, WA, the bucket hat aficionado himself, Mr. Joel Dahmen!  

Thanks!

Jean

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The Traveler's Championship

Mr. Commish,

As we ruminate over last week's U.S Open Championship, much can be said about the karma surrounding Rahm's epic finish, Oosthuizen finishing runner-up in a major yet again, whether or not Rob Zielinski has posted bail (who knew he was in San Diego?), and the one you personally enjoyed the most, Bryson's delicious collapse that resembled something out of Tuesday men's league. But how about some love for Guido Migliozzi? I like to think I follow golf closely, but I had never heard of him until NBC showed this wild Italian draining big putts and doing fist pumps while charging up the leaderboard late on Sunday. I actually said out loud, "Who in the hell is this guy?" Apparently he is a two-time winner on the European Tour. On his official profile page, the only personal interest he listed is "golf," which is fortuitous given his chosen profession. You've got to do what you love! This was his major debut, and he celebrated simply making the cut by doing what? By eating pizza, that's what! Then he goes on to finish T4 with Brooksy Koepka? Amazing. Count me as a fan. Looking forward to more Guido Golf (which should be trademarked if it isn't already) down the road!

This week we trek all the way across the country from California to Connecticut as the TOUR descends upon TPC River Highlands in the Hartford suburb of Cromwell. My guy is a two-time winner of this event, and a titan of social media, This ageless wonder and raconteur has been playing some incredible golf, and there is no reason he can't get his third win at this track. Flexible beyond his years, his special interests include dabbling in course design, falconry and off-roading, and betting with Padraig Harrington (loser buys dinner). Three cheers for an American golfing legend, "Lefty" himself, Mr. Phil Mickelson! 

Thanks!

Jean

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The U.S. Open

Mr. Commish,, 

While the Brooks vs. Bryson kerfuffle has been dominating the golf news, there is a new, somewhat under-the-radar feud that is simmering. Joel Dahmen and Max Homa have decided to start their own rivalry with both Joel and Max lobbing inflammatory tweets at each other. We will see if the PGA TOUR steps in before things really escalate. 

I can't help but notice I have been progressively making a slow, downward slide on the leaderboard. This was supposed to be the Year of Jean (not to be confused with the Summer of George)! It is time for a furious rally. I am ready to embark on a great crusade for the remainder of the season. Cue the trite, bubblegum, garden variety Brit pop motivational music! I am going to need it as we head into our third major, the U.S. Open. 

Our venue this week is perhaps the greatest muni in golf, the Torrey Pines Golf Course, in the sunny city of bluffs and beaches, La Jolla, California. Wait, that sounds like something I have written before. Weren't we just here in February? Indeed, we were! Basically, this is the Farmers Insurance Open with rough that would be more easily tended to with a John Deere hay rake than a mower. Brutal! 

My guy is just the kind of beast with the rare talent to tackle such a daunting setup. Playing out of Jupiter, FL, this two time U.S. Open champ is coming off of a solid PGA Championship.where he gave Phil a run for his money. His special interests include jet skiing, table tennis, "proper" football, and buying beer for spectators who got tossed from a tournament for taunting his nemesis. That's just cold blooded! Also, we are back to NBC broadcasting USGA events, so there is no danger of Joe Buck getting his girlfriend / fiancé's name wrong again. A round of applause for the soon-to-be three-time U.S. Open champion, Mr. Brooks Koepka!

Thanks!

Jean

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The Palmetto Championship

Unrelated to anything, I have been listening to past episodes of the Sub Par Podcast. In one episode, Keith Mitchell was telling Big Gravy and Sleeze a story about a prank he pulled on Phil Mickelson, and Phil's failed attempt to get him back. You're welcome!

This week we will wander back into South Carolina for..."The Palmetto Championship at Congaree?" What the hell is this? It seems it is a one-time event to replace the canceled RBC Canadian Open. Ah, South Carolina in mid-June! I bet the weather will be fantastic. Just this morning I was watching The Weather Channel, and my favorite, most-trusted meteorologist, the gorgeous Stephanie Abrams, described June in South Carolina as "Hot, muggy, oppressive; basically the armpit of the southeastern US." And she's based in Atlanta!  I think that speaks volumes. Good luck to all the golfers. 

So, we have a brand new event on a course with no history. What does one do? Why, you take a page out of South Carolina band Hootie & the Blowfish's playbook, that's what! Big fans of golf are the Blowfish. And when frontman Darius Rucker, in his soothing baritone, sang the words, "We'll walk upon the water, we'll rise above the mess," in their hit song, Hold My Hand, he was talking specifically about PGA TOUR players having faith and overcoming adversity when facing an unknown golf course. Maybe I am wrong, but that is my interpretation.

With a leap of blind faith, I will rise above my own fantasy golf mess and pick a player who has not been playing particularly well. However, he sneakily sits 48th in the Official World Golf Rankings. This native South Carolinian will no doubt be inspired to play well in his home state. He has a look of sheer insanity about him, and he once broke out "The Three Amigos" salute with Mickelson, which only helped to prove it (possibly the greatest Presidents' Cup celebration ever). Give it up for the pride of Aiken, South Carolina, a man who is known to be brutally honest (Fantasy Golf Tip: maybe don't pick him for the US Open at Torrey Pines next week!), Mr, Kevin Kisner!

Thanks!

Jean

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The Memorial

Mr. Commish,

Before we begin, the Brooks vs. Bryson rivalry has gotten a lot of good press since the PGA Championship with Brooks giving the eye roll during his press conference. By far, the best meme related to this came from the one, the only, Shooter McGavin. Long live Happy Gilmore!

This week we head to the home of the corporate headquarters of Stanley Steamer, lovely Dublin, OH, for one of the crown jewels of the PGA TOUR, The Memorial Tournament at Muirfield Village Golf Club, also known as Jack's Shack. My pick this week is a man of the people. My guy likes to rent homes on tour and bunks with a cast of derelicts including the likes of Keith Mitchell and J.T. Poston, noting that caddies are also welcome to stay with them (VRBO homeowners are probably scrambling to take their rentals off the market in case Mitchell's caddie, Crunchy Pete, bathed in their hot tub), so you know he knows how to have a good time. His drink of choice is vodka and water, virtually ensuring an Absolut endorsement somewhere down the road.  His brother/caddie plies him cocktails and gambling throughout the rounds. What is not to love here? I want to see this guy shaking Jack's hand on Sunday. Give it up for the pride of Camden, NJ, a die hard Philadelphia Eagles fan, and former SMU teammate of Bryson DeChambeau, "The Big Rig" himself, Mr. Harry Higgs!

Thanks!

Jean

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Charles Schwab

Mr. Commish,

With two majors out of the way, there is no rest for the weary as the PGA TOUR gallops back to the noted cowtown of Fort Worth, TX, for the historic Colonial at Colonial Country Club. Only we don't call it "The Colonial" anymore because Charles Schwab ponied up a pile of dough and insisted their name be placed somewhere in the title. Welcome to the Charles Schwab Challenge! 

At this point in the season, many golfers find themselves searching for answers to some pretty substantial questions. Will I make the top 125, or will I end up back on the Korn Ferry Tour? How do I find some better form before the US Open in June? Were Phil's majestic calves the key to winning last week's PGA Championship? How is it that Lisa Loeb hasn't aged a day since 1994 (she's 53 and still looks stunning!)? We may never know some of these answers. However, with four PGA TOUR victories (including a major) at only the age of 24, and with a Cal-Berkeley degree in Business Administration so he can administer some business, my guy isn't searching for any. He's already found what he is looking for and knows his mission. 

An enthusiastic foodie, his other special interest includes cute girls from the Pepperdine golf team. He also has a brother named Garrett (sorry, his PGA TOUR profile page is decidedly lacking in flair). Hailing from Los Angeles, CA, put your hands together for the former three-time first-team All American, dog lover, and the son of Blaine and Debbie, Mr. Collin Morikawa!

Thanks!

Jean

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PGA Championship

Mr. Commish,

We head to the Palmetto State for the second major of the year to a place that boasts such notable residents as Ray Allen, Tara Lipinski, and Geoge Will, the lovely seaside village of Kiawah Island, SC. There is no doubt that the Ocean Course will prove to be a difficult test. After all, this course hosted the 2012 PGA Championship which was won by Rory McIlroy. And who can forget the legendary 1991 Ryder Cup that was also held here? It gave us this fantastic story from Devid Feherty regarding his singles match against Payne Stewart. We should be in for a treat. 

At an elevation of 13 feet above sea level and at over 7900 yards (!), the Ocean Course requires a golfer who can really move it out there. My guy can do just that. A 2015 grad from San Diego State with a degree in social sciences, he put his education to good use and established residency in Las Vegas (no state tax!). Special interests include travel and good food, so I am sure he will be checking out the shrimp and grits at the Atlantic Room, followed up with a "Grip It & Sip It" from the Ryder Cup Bar. Give it up for the 5th ranked player in the Official World Golf Rankings, the pride of La Jolla, CA, a guy with a name I need to look up every single time to make sure I spell it correctly, the X-Man himself, Mr. Xander Schauffele! 

Thanks!

Jean

-----------------------------------------------AT&T Byron Nelson

Mr. Commish,

My Carnac the Magnificent-esque prediction about young Mr. Will Zalatoris came true with his first missed cut of the year last week. I had strong visions of very bad things coming his way with the weight of the recent home purchase and marriage proposal hitting him like a Freightliner truck with no brakes. Let it be known that when I dedicate an entire paragraph of my musings explaining why I am not picking a player, you darn well better steer clear of that player! 

For the AT&T Byron Nelson at TPC Craig Ranch in the city Money magazine called the "Best Place to Live in America" in 2014, the former milltown of McKinney, TX, this week's winner gets to sleep in his own bed. The guy is ranked 28th in the Official World Golf Rankings, yet he somehow has no status on the TOUR and can't collect FedEx Cup points. However, the kid is somehow managing to carry on and find a way, living off the charity of sponsor invitations. He has been given a lot of grief about his resemblance to Happy Gilmore's caddie, which is well deserved. Several people might point out the hypocrisy given my resounding negative endorsement just last week. Well, he is well rested now, and I will just let fellow Texan and Ryder Cup legend, Ben Crenshaw, say it for me. Let's hear it for Wake Forest grad, noted foodie, and the newest homeowner in Plano, TX, young Mr. Will Zalatoris!

Thanks!

Jean

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Wells Fargo Championship

Mr. Commish,

I somehow missed this little nugget from the Zurich Classic a couple of weeks ago; they let the teams select their own walk-up music for the first tee like they do for baseball players. Kind of a cool idea. Quite a varied assortment of musical tastes here with a few deep cuts (who would have thought Rob Zombie would make it onto a playlist at a TOUR event?). It got me thinking; what would I choose for my own walk-up music? I've got it narrowed down to this, this, or this. I will keep you posted when I make a final decision. 

For the Wells Fargo Championship at the majestic Quail Hollow Club in the city that is home to the NASCAR Hall of Fame, Charlotte, NC, I do know who I am not picking. That would be young Mr. Will Zalatoris. Sure, he hasn't missed a cut all year, but the dude just bought a house AND got engaged a week ago. Nothing like spacing out those big life events! Closing on a house is bad enough, but getting engaged and having to field all kinds of questions from the bride-to-be (where to place furniture, what color to paint the bedroom, when can we hold a housewarming party, where should we hold the wedding reception, etc.), that makes for a lot of external noise. By the time this week is over, poor Will would rather be tied to a chair and forced to watch all the Sharknado movies ad infinitum. No thanks!

With a degree in education from Oklahoma State, this week's winner quickly realized he could earn more money playing golf instead of teaching. He's stealthily sitting 53rd in the FedEx Cup standings, is in no way related to Gooch from Scrubs, and he doesn't take any crap from hecklers on Twitter. Ladies and gentleman, a warm round of applause for a man who is so efficient that he doesn't even need the "y" in "Taylor,"  the favorite son of Midwest City, OK,  Mr. Talor Gooch!

Thanks!

Jean

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The Valspar Championship

Mr. Commish,

This week the PGA TOUR swings back to Florida to finish off the Florida swing. We head to the census-designated place and unincorporated community known as Palm Harbor, FL, for the Valspar Championship at the Innisbrook Resort on their ominously named "Copperhead Course."  There seems to be a trend among some courses where they give something a mean sounding name to imply it is difficult (the "Blue Monster," the "Bear Trap," etc.). I'm guessing this is meant as a psychological ploy to let the golfers know what they are in for. Honestly, if I was designing a really difficult layout, I would take a completely different approach. Why not go with a cute name? Something innocuous, such as the "Adorable Chipmunk" or "Playful Kitten" course. That way the unsuspecting golfers would lull themselves into a sense of safety, and BAM! Suddenly you are on a course fraught with danger, struggling for par on every hole! It would be golf's equivalent of the rabbit guarding the cave in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I really need to become a golf course design consultant.

Since our tournament is sponsored by a manufacturer of paint, allow me to paint a picture for you; This week's winner is a colorful character. His artistry on the golf course has already led to a win this season, so why not another? An educated man, he has a degree in something called "Consumer Behavior" (what CAN'T you major in these days?!?), and is close personal friends with fellow Cal-Berkeley alum and Jeopardy! host, Aaron Rodgers. With wit to spare, Twitter is his true medium, and he provides us with many artistic compositions on the social media platform. Give it up for the "Gauguin of the Greens," the co-host of the Get A Grip Podcast with the Golf Channel's Shane Bacon, and the President of the Michael Scott Fan Club (he's a huge fan of The Office), Burbank, CA's very own, Mr. Max Homa!

Thanks!

Jean

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The Zurich Classic

Mr. Commish, 

I am not sure which coach coined the phrase, "There is no 'I' in 'TEAM'." The notion is that you should not work as an individual player, but as part of a collective group to achieve your goals (On a loosely related note, Peyton Manning's good friend, Brad Paisley, also said, "There is no 'I' in 'BEER'," which, as it turns out, is factually accurate). What does any of this have to do with golf? For this week's event, the players are part of a team! The PGA TOUR slides on down to the gator-infested swamps and bayous of Avondale, LA, for the Zurich Classic of New Orleans at TPC Louisiana, where sounds of Zydeco music fill the air (can one go to Julliard to study the washboard?) and the Sazerac cocktails flow like wine. Laissez les bon temps rouler!

My dynamic duo is a formidable combination. Olympic medalists and major winners (for the both of them - the rarest achievement in golf!), they are putting the band back together for the Zurich after a brief breakup in 2019. One is a big Swede who loves deep-sea fishing, fast cars, skiing, snorkeling, and has a penchant for practical jokes. The other is a Brit by way of Johannesburg who loves movies, cars, tennis, architecture, and emailing Phil Mickelson this video every Monday morning before the start of a new tournament. Let's hear it for an incredible tandem, the Abbott to his Costello, the Riggs to his Murtaugh, the Archie to his Jughead, Mr. Henrik Stenson and Mr. Justin Rose! 

Thanks!

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The RBC Heritage

Feeling inspired and riding the wave of a Jon Rahm rally on Sunday (salvaging what would have otherwise been a fairly mediocre Masters pick), I follow the warm glow of a beacon on a fake lighthouse to the RBC Heritage at the old school Harbor Town Golf Links in beautiful Hilton Head, SC. In fact, I am so inspired that I am simply going to pick the guy who is the favorite. As noted when I selected this golfer last season, his PGA TOUR profile is a yawner, so I will craft my own for him:  

A native of Raleigh, NC, this major winner was first team All-American at Wake Forest, in addition to holding the honorary title of "Kegmeister General" of the Sigma Chi fraternity. A great family man, he met his wife in a co-ed rugby scrum and it was love at first clearance kick. He lists his special interests as bonefishing, mountain climbing, muscle cars, skijoring, taking Phil Mickelson's money in Texas Hold'em during US team events, and sharing courtside seats for the Charlotte Hornets with NASCAR's Denny Hamlin. Put your hands together for the man, the myth, the legend, and, lest we forget, the 2015 "whole hog" division winner at the Roanoke-Chowan Pork Fest Barbecue Championship, Mr. Webb Simpson!

Thanks!

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The Masters

Mr. Commish,

This week we head to Augusta, GA, to what has to be considered the Mecca of golf. We are talking hallowed ground, golf's crown jewel of the southeast, the house that Bobby Jones built, where, if you listen closely, you can still hear the words, "I'm Hootie Johnson, and welcome to The Masters," echoing throughout the halls of Butler Cabin. Welcome to Augusta National, baby! Grab yourself a pimento cheese sandwich and a cheap beer, and get ready to watch some fantastic golf.

My pick is a highly skilled golfer. Has he won a major yet? No. But there has to be a first time for everything, and it might as well be here. Currently #3 in the Official World Golf Rankings, he lists his special interests and music and dancing. which speaks to his depth and appreciation of culture; a nice trait to have at historically significant locations such as Augusta. He is a big supporter of the Basque football club, Athletic Bilbao, so you know he has an intensity about him that will give him an edge. Best news of all, his wife took one for the team and gave birth to their first child in advance of The Masters, thereby clearing the way for my guy to play this week. No Mickelson-esque pager necessary! Give it up for a man with a seductive accent that makes the ladies at the Golf Channel swoon, the pride of Barrika, Spain, Mr. Jon Rahm!

Thanks!

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The Valero Texas Open

Mr. Commish,

This week the PGA TOUR saddles up and moseys to the city that gave us Shaquille O'Neal, Lara Flynn Boyle, and Red McCombs, historic San Antonio, TX, for the Valero Texas Open at TPC San Antonio. Last week we talked about Austin having the unofficial slogan of "Keep Austin Weird." Apparently San Antonio has their own saying so they do not turn into Austin; "Keep San Antonio Lame." I like it. It looks good on a T-shirt, and it is kinder than saying something like, "We aspire to be Lubbock."

So that my pick is not lame, I actually did a little homework. I do know who I am NOT picking, and that is Joel Dahmen. After his first win in the Dominican Republic last week, Dahmen sounded a little noncommittal about playing in San Antonio this week. While he is currently entered, he made it clear he does plan on celebrating his win, saying "I like to have a good time." A redder flag there has never been! Tempting as it may be to pick a recent winner, even if he does decide to play, there is a better than average chance you could find Joel and his caddie, Geno, face down on the Riverwalk after a tableside guacamole and wine-fueled bender at Boudro's (Side note: league member Jenny Peterson and I dined here nearly two decades ago on a work trip!). Hard pass.

To be safe, I am going with a cagey veteran who is currently sitting rather quietly inside the top 30 of the Official World Golf Rankings. A native Texan, the man knows how to move the ball around the windswept western landscape. His only negative is that he is a Dallas Cowboys fan. But he lists "barbecue" as a special interest, so he can't be all that bad. Let's hear it for this week's winner, Amarillo's very own, Mr. Ryan Palmer! 

Thanks!

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WGC DELL Technologies Match Play

Mr. Commish pro tempore,

While I have your ear during Commissioner Eric's absence, there are several league changes I am hoping you can railroad through during your brief administration. They are as follows:

• Become a title sponsor partner of a PGA TOUR event (The "TGABTPMO 3M Open" has a nice ring to it, yes?)

• Creation of the TGABTPMO Podcast (You can be the host, I will be the wacky sidekick. We can even talk a little hockey if you wish.)  

• Secure a location for the TGABTPMO Hall of Fame, similar to the World Golf Hall of Fame in St. Augustine (we have an unused structure at our place that might work - let me know!)

If you could make this happen before Eric returns, it would be appreciated. Thanks!

This week the big boys head to the Texas hill country for the PGA TOUR's own version of March Madness, the WGC Dell Technologies Match Play at the Austin Country Club in coincidentally named city of Austin, TX.. Austin, in addition to being credited for inventing bats, has an unofficial slogan of "Keep Austin Weird." Given that these match play events are so unpredictable, I think that I will keep my pick weird as well. And there is nothing weirder than a 47 year old playing better golf than the young bucks. An educated man with an honorary Doctor of Science degree from Nottingham Trent University, this Ryder Cupper loves his films, cars, a good game of snooker, and is a rabid fan of the Nottingham Forest Football Club. Give it up for the ageless wonder, the pride of Worksop, England, Mr. Lee Westwood!

The PGA also has an event this week for those who didn't qualify for the Match Play; a former Korn Ferry Tour event elevated to PGA TOUR status, the Corales Puntacana Resort & Club Championship in the exotic Dominican Republic. I never know what to do in these B-Squad tournaments, so I am just going with someone high in the power rankings. Having attended the University of Illinois, he is still smarting from the Fighting Illini bowing out of March Madness early, but his game has been rounding back into form. Also a former Ryder Cupper, he honed his English language skills by watching "Friends," so one must assume the man can rattle off Chandler Bing quotes like nobody's business. "Could he BE any more ready for golf this week?" We will see. A round of applause for everyone's favorite snowboarding Belgian, Mr. Thomas Pieters!

Thanks!

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Commish Vacation

I guess our Commish is off the grid for the week. Until he returns, the rest of us can enjoy Damon Hack of the Golf Channel taking some time to say a few words to Eric, our beloved fantasy golf league Commish! 

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The Honda Classic

Mr. Commish,

Before we begin, we must revisit Bryson's tee shot on the 4th at Sawgrass on Sunday. When I played on the high school golf team, a stone cold, gopher-killing top was my "go to" shot when I needed to make sure I kept it in play. Naturally, there are those who will poke fun at the fact that you barely made it past the ladies tee. However, it is very hard to argue with staying dry and inbounds. Bryson's strategic blunder was not playing away from that small pond just in front of the ladies tee, but he will tuck that little nugget of information away as a lesson learned for next time. Ultimately he did "take triple bogey out of play," as was my mantra back in the day. So in that sense, job well done, Bryson!

This week we head to a formerly swampy pine forest and cattle ranch that has since morphed into the city that invented gated communities, swanky Palm Beach Gardens, FL, for the Honda Classic at the notorious Nicklaus-designed PGA National. Of course, you probably recall the Champion Course is home to the infamous three hole stretch known as the "Bear Trap." Many wrongly assume these holes are nicknamed as such because they were designed by "The Golden Bear," and they are really difficult. Truth be told, that designation came to be thanks to a drunken, shirtless Sam Torrance who became incapacitated in a bunker on the 15th hole, and a member mistook him for a bear! It's a very funny story, and completely true. (Great, now I have "really hairy golfers" showing up in my browser history. Thanks, Google...)

My pick this week hails from the southern hemisphere. Quietly ranked 12th in the official world golf rankings, his notable achievements thus far include a 2020 win at The Greenbrier, as well as drilling his grandmother with a golf ball from 40 yards at age 4 during a family barbecue. Let's hear it for the pride of Santiago, Chile, the young Benicio del Toro of golf himself, Mr. Joaquin Niemann!

Thanks!

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The PLAYERS Championship

Mr. Commish,

This week the traveling circus that is PGA TOUR heads north from Orlando to the greatest video game course there is, TPC Sawgrass, for what has been dubbed the "fifth major," The PLAYERS' Championship. This tournament takes place in an unincorporated seaside community that boasts a bevy of celebrity residents such as Christian Laettner, Fred Funk, and Tim Tebow, lovely Ponte Vedra Beach, FL. Though disputed by some naysayers, Ponte Vedra Beach was reported to be one of the locations Ponce de León saw during his exploration of Florida in 1513. It is an early American myth that de León was looking for the "fountain of youth" on his expedition. However, as he passed by Ponte Vedra Beach, him being quoted as saying, "You know, this would be a FANTASTIC location for a Dye Designs golf course!" is a verifiable fact. A tremendous visionary, Ponce was. What a prophetic moment in the history of the New World!

I find myself riding a modest wave of momentum following last week's Arnold Palmer thanks to a T4 from Jordan Alexander Spieth, so I will keep striking while the iron is lukewarm. This week's pick is pretty straightforward. Why not just go with the best golfer on planet Earth at the moment? The most famous person ever to come out of Coastal Carolina University, he enjoys boating, pumping iron with good friend Brooks Koepka, and hitting golf balls inside the house. He has been engaged to the daughter of The Great One since...2013? Clearly he needs to win a few more times to save some dough so those two crazy kids can afford a wedding. Let's hope a big payday this weekend helps to pad their wedding budget. Give it up for your reigning Masters champion, a recent winner in Saudi Arabia, and current World Number One, Mr. Dustin Johnson!  

Thanks!

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The Arnold Palmer Invitational 

Mr. Commish,

It is difficult to complain about a couple of recent second place finishes, especially after my near miracle of pulling Maverick McNealy out of thin air at Pebble. However, in no way will this deter me from complaining. Did you see the mind-numbing quad that my man, Viktor Hovland, carded in the second round of the WGC? My outrageously French name does a fantastic job of concealing the fact that, like Viktor, I am mostly of Norwegian heritage. It pained me to see my Norske brother play that hole like a guy who went eight beers deep at a corporate golf outing. He should have run away with that tournament. It was just not meant to be, I guess. "Sånn er livet," as they would say in Norway!

This week the PGA TOUR and Arnie's Army descend upon the legendary Arnold Palmer Invitational at the majestic Bay Hill Club & Lodge in the city that gave us Jack Kerouac, Lance Bass, and Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, sunny Orlando, FL. Incredibly, my pick this week has never played in this event. But that doesn't matter, because he is a winner. Coming in well rested since he didn't play in the WGC or the Puerto Rico Suave, this native Texan and multiple major winner has been playing some sneaky good golf as of late. And, without Smylie Kaufman in the field this week, there is no chance of him getting lured into another disastrous fishing trip, thereby causing him to lose focus on the task at hand. Please give a warm welcome to the guy his good friend J.T. dubbed "The Golden Child," the pride of Dallas, Texas, Mr. Jordan Alexander Spieth!

Thanks!

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Puerto Rico Open and WGC Workday Championship

Mr. Commish,

Here is actual footage of me after picking the number 10 ranked player in the world, Bryson DeChambeau, last week. 

This week we head to the Grand Reserve Golf Club (no affiliation with my "Grand Reserve" member status at Total Wine) for the Puerto Rico Suave Open in the sunny island destination of Rio Grande, Puerto Rico Suave. I never know who to pick for the secondary events since it is always a veritable potpourri of young players, journeymen, crafty veterans, sponsor exemptions, Smylie Kaufman, and those who otherwise didn't qualify for the WGC. I'm just going to go with the highest ranked player in the field. The pride of Stevenage, England, this guy's Ferrari collection is a thing of lore, and he even uses them to hone his short game! A man with the guts to do that is someone I want in my lineup. A round of applause for the European Ryder Cup stalwart, "The Postman" himself, Mr. Ian Poulter!

For the second event of the week, the WGC Workday Championship, we take a slight detour from the traditional location, the altitude sickness inducing Club de Golf Chapultepec in Mexico City, to the more sea level appropriate Bradenton, FL, at The Concession Golf Club (I had really hoped their on-site restaurant was called The Concession Stand, but it's not. A missed opportunity.). Here we have a new WGC track with no history, so what does one do? Why, I will just pick the guy who won in Puerto Rico last year, but doesn't have to defend his title there this year since he is now qualified for the big show. A resourceful young man, he road tripped to multiple tournaments last summer with a heavy metal soundtrack to accompany him. Being a Norwegian, that means he probably likes lefse too, which makes him a good dude in my book. Let's hear it for Oslo's very own "Road Warrior," Mr. Viktor Hovland!

Thanks!

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Genesis Invitational

Mr. Commish,

Only a pesky Daniel Berger deprived me of being able to say in an extreme professional wrestling announcer voice, "Oh, no! Is that Maverick McNealy's music I hear?!?" Damn, that was nearly the most impressive fantasy pick of the season. At least he made me a few bucks, and I am sure his girlfriend, Danielle Kang, is hoping he buys her something nice.

This week we head to Pacific Palisades, CA, the home of the Hollywood stars, for the Genesis Invitational at the historic Riviera Country Club. Riviera has been the playground for such notable members as Jack Nicholson, Tom Brady, and Adam Sandler. Can you just imagine Happy Gilmore himself playing out at Riviera? Man, I sure hope he had Bob Barker out there for a member-guest tournament or something. (By the way, the Happy Gilmore movie is now 25 years old!).

Making your way around Riviera takes a very scientific approach. This week, I am picking a thinking man's golfer. Slightly eccentric in that he named each of his golf clubs, he has the intelligence and precision required to tackle an intricate course design. Brains notwithstanding, he also has the brawn to overpower classic old courses thanks to a 48-inch driver, a 146 MPH club head speed, and a steady diet of bacon, eggs, and sweet vanilla bean Orgain protein shakes. Fighting out of the red corner, weighing in at 235 pounds, the pride of Modesto, CA, former SMU Mustang, and reigning U.S. Open champion, the Mad Scientist himself, Mr. Bryson DeChambeau!

Thanks!

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AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am

Mr. Commish,

This week we head to the luxurious Monterey Peninsula, a.k.a., the playground of Jim Nantz, to the historic Pebble Beach Golf Links for the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am. Since there is no "Am" this year, we should probably just call it the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro. A tournament at Pebble without Bill Murray? Say it ain't so! That would be like Christmas without Santa Claus, or a Super Bowl without Tom Brady. Alas, we must forge on.

This week I am picking an educated man. With degrees in both engineering and something called "management science" (?!? - I am picturing Dilbert's boss with a microscope) from Stanford, this California kid should be right at home playing on the Pacific Coast. His only special interest is hockey, which leaves more time to focus on golf. He has yet to win on the PGA TOUR, and his most notable achievement thus far, in the gutsiest move I ever saw, is getting LPGA star, Danielle Kang, to date him. She has been winning more than he has, so it is time for him to feel the need for speed and close one out real soon. Leaving no Top Gun reference left unturned, here is hoping he will be metaphorically buzzing the CBS tower on the 18th this Sunday as a part of his victory celebration. Let's hear it for a kid who was named after a Ford automobile (no, really!), Mr. Maverick McNealy!

Thanks!

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Waste Management Phoenix Open

Mr. Commish,

I am not sure what to think about the latest Patrick Reed ruling controversy from last weekend. In situations like this, I always turn to the voice of reason in all things golf, Club Pro Guy.

As U2's Bono said in the Simpson's episode where Homer was running for Sanitation Commissioner, "The man's talking about waste management."  Which brings us to sun-drenched Scottsdale, AZ, for this week's Waste Management Phoenix Open at the classic TPC Scottsdale Stadium Course. A few people may remember I spent an aimless, post-college year in the early 90's where I worked the bag drop at a golf course just east of Scottsdale in Fountain Hills. My biggest takeaways from that year were that Kay Cockerill is an absolute sweetheart, professional hockey players tip extremely well, and Charles Barkley (then a Phoenix Sun) was very well known in the local bar scene. Also from my time in AZ, here is a shot of me working on my long ball just on the other side of the mountain from this week's tournament.

Anyhow, on to my pick. This man is a high school dropout, which deprived East Tennessee State of possibly its finest athlete. A car enthusiast, he handily beat Paris Hilton in a celebrity race on The Grand Tour. It doesn't even matter that this is his tournament debut. The man has confidence and a swagger that will have Northern Irish eyes smiling on Sunday. Give it up for the Ryder Cup stalwart, multiple major winner, and the favorite son of Holywood, Northern Ireland, Mr. Rory McIlroy!

Thanks!

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Farmers Insurance Open

Mr. Commish,

Here is some actual footage of me getting pummeled by the avalanche of Patrick Cantlay picks last week. Good golly! Speaking of last week's American Express, I couldn't help but notice it was "hosted" by Phil Mickelson. What does that even mean? Does Phil hand out drinks and appetizers in the locker room? Is he the valet in the parking lot? Having a "host" of a PGA tournament kind of has a vibe similar to when Scooby-Doo had guest stars like Jerry Reed and the Harlem Globetrotters. The cynic in me says this is all just window dressing, similar to meteorologists pointing out how cold winters used to be under the "old" wind chill scale. Or when Guy Fieri raves about "killer Bolivian food" on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. When it comes right down to it, Phil is basically getting an appearance fee, cold is cold, and Guy has probably never been to Bolivia. 

We now head to the Farmers Insurance Open at perhaps the greatest muni in golf, the Torrey Pines Golf Course, in the sunny city of bluffs and beaches, La Jolla, California. I am taking some chances this week. My guy hasn't been playing well. However, because filming commercials for Farmers Insurance has been his meal ticket during several months of lean results, and because he is a California kid, this will no doubt inspire him to greatness. The proud owner of at least six tattoos, his PGA TOUR profile picture also has him sporting a mustache that bears a strong resemblance to Schneider from the old One Day at a Time sitcom. Here is hoping that he is going to "swing it like a boomerang-a-tang" and that we get a Golf Boys reunion somewhere down the road. Put your hands together for Murrieta, California's very own, Mr. Rickie Fowler!

Thanks!

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American Express

Mr. Commish,

We leave the Hawaiian Islands and head to the mainland for The American Express at the iconic PGA West Stadium Course in a city that luxury-lifestyle magazine, the Robb Report (not to be confused with the Rob Zielinski Report, which covers hockey exclusively), describes as the leading golf destination in the U.S.; sunny La Quinta, CA. The only city in America to be named after a hotel chain (allegedly, that is - this claim is disputed), La Quinta has been home to such notable celebrities as William Devane, Captain & Tennille, and motivational speaker Tony Robbins. Speaking of Mr. Robbins, I find myself sufficiently motivated to get back on the horse after last week's pick proved to be the incorrect "Ancer" (dude hadn't missed a cut since August, so he might as well tank after I pick him - not that I am bitter).

Historically a very low scoring event, this week's tournament requires a birdie machine. And this kid can go low. A new homeowner after spending years living out of hotels, he would have won the Masters in November were it not for the costly mistake of planning his Masters champions dinner menu before actually winning the Masters (the Golfing Gods are always swift to punish such an egregious act!). Wiser, he arrives in the California desert ready to build upon a solid track record at the old Bob Hope Classic. Put your hands together for a former standout at the Korea National Sport University and the newest resident of Duluth, GA, Mr. Sungjae Im! 

Thanks!

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Sony Open in Hawaii

Aloha Mr. Commish,

Despite my guy J.T. faltering a bit down the stretch at Kapalua, I still find myself in the lead after Week One. Not too shabby! In addition to my Sugarland fight song, I am also adopting the Latin mantra popularized by the Indianapolis Colts QB, Phillip Rivers, "Nunc Coepi" - Now I Begin. My Tiger-esque fantasy golf comeback is off to a splendid start.

According to Samuel L Jackson on my Alexa app, this week's tournament is the Sony Open at Honolulu's historic Waialae Country Club in the lovely and exotic state of Hawaiii (which consumes the most Spam per capita, and also gave us Magnum P.I. and Don Ho). Being the first full field event of 2021, this presents us with many options. Why not go with consistency and reliability? A dual citizen of the United States and Mexico, he has yet to win on the PGA TOUR. However, his degree in "Multidisciplinary Studies" from the University of Boomer Sooner most certainly required a math class, which is helping him count the considerable pile of cash he has won from being a mainstay on the leaderboards. He loves Formula 1 racing, collects putters, and has a mullet that would make even the most die hard hockey mom say, "Not bad, kid." If the Sony Open is a riddle, this guy definitely has the "Ancer." A round of applause for the favorite son of both McAllen, TX, and Reynosa, Mexico, Mr. Abraham Ancer!

Mahalo,

Jean

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Sentry Tournament of Champions

Mr. Commish,

Here we are on the eve of a new fantasy golf season! The whole year has been strange, and the year in golf has not been spared from the weirdness. We had scheduling oddities such as a September US Open (won by a weightlifter, no less), as well as a flowerless Masters in November. Even the ageless Stewart Cink won a tournament! Also strange is looking back at our league history. I see that the last time I won the championship was way back in 2009. I can't help but notice this is around the same time things started going off the rails for Tiger. Coincidence? While I never had a 9-iron wrapped around my neck by a Swedish woman scorned, my plight is undeniable, and you have to admit the timing is eerie. In any case, Tiger made a pretty nice comeback, and I feel like I am on the verge of one of my own. I even have my own fight song. Let the games begin!   

For the Sentry Tournament of Champions at the Plantation Course in the census-designated place made possible by the Maui Land & Pineapple Company, the lovely and occasionally tradewinds-infested Kapalua, Maui, HI, one shouldn't overthink this pick. Why not just go with last year's winner? He is playing well, coming fresh off taking Charlie Woods' allowance money via some side bets in the father-son tourney last month. Also, he is no doubt very inspired by Lord Saban leading his alma mater to the college football national championship game. Put your hands together for J.T.! No, not J.T. Poston...the other J.T.! I am talking about the favorite son of Louisville, KY, three time AJGA champion and avid shoe collector, the pride of the Crimson Tide, Mr. Justin Thomas!

Thanks,