Adam Saifuddin

Lying in bed at 6 am after attending an online discussion for Creative Coding, it felt weird that my mind wonders and ponders, unable to sleep. I thought I would doze off as soon as my tired body hit the soft comfy sheets, but I kept worrying about the future, life, and music. With the pandemic, my first experience living in winter was cut early and I got back home to year-round summer in Malaysia. It is not bad at all being able to reunite with my family and friends that I miss so much and have not seen since forever. The 12-hour time difference between Ann Arbor and Kuala Lumpur, however, is a difficult adversary. Fall 2020 has not been easy, but in isolation, I found a piece myself.

I am extremely lucky to study at the University of Michigan with a full-ride scholarship that a Malaysian energy company has awarded to me. This comes with one condition: I have to major in Computer Science. I have a genuine interest in computers, and the opportunity to study in the United States means the world to me. However, since I was young, I also have another passion in a different field. Yes, you guessed it, music is my passion as well.

In high school, I did take music quite seriously. I played in orchestras and bands, and I produced some music. Even though I was very active in the music scene, my music never truly went ‘further’. I felt that my production skills were getting stagnant, and my music never really stick or resonate with people. I doubt that my music would get enough support to have music as a career.

In college, I still made music but I felt out of touch with what I do. Making a career out of music is something far behind in the back of my head, but I could definitely see myself producing music for the rest of my life.

I always wondered whether it would be worth it to pursue a dual degree for a hobby; the University of Michigan has a degree in Sound Engineering. I really would like to overcome this wall in my productions, but I have many doubts to pursue that path. Questions always arise in my mind. Would taking more computer science courses be more beneficial when I work in a technical role in the energy industry? Or maybe I should prepare myself for a management role by taking economics? Perhaps I should just go for it, the passion I have been holding onto for so long?

I realized that I think too much and I struggle to “live in the moment”. Having these thoughts cause so much unnecessary stress and sleepless nights. After a semester of having late-night school, I saw that it is more important than ever to practice self-care. The pandemic also made me realize that I had a misconception of self-care. My previous understanding of self-care involves resting and lazing around all day to reenergize after a period of hard work. I have come to notice that it does not work that way.

Self-care involves continued discipline. The discipline of making time to exercise regularly, getting enough sleep, eating healthily and setting a work/life balance that you can handle. Only after changing my mindset on self-care do I feel better and energized. Of course, I am still a beginner to self-care but I urge anyone who is reading to reflect on their self-care habits.

Besides that, I do find mindfulness practice helps a lot to “live in the moment”. This is why it is important to meditate or, if you are a religious person, pray. I find that it is easier for me to ease my mind after slowing down to meditate, or after a prayer session. If you have not tried meditation yet, I highly encourage you to click on a YouTube video about how to meditate and try it yourself.

Lastly, I also learned something in music theory class instructed by Dr. Brandon Rumsey which is very relevant and bigger than music. In our weekly readings, we were exposed to racial and gender inequality in music. Learning about this forced me to reassess my privileges, and I am ever more grateful for my scholarship. In my opinion, understanding our privileges is such an effective way to have purpose in life. Recognizing my privileges, I want to give back to my community whether it relates to computer science or music. I support those who assess their privilege and use that privilege to empower others. Noble acts won’t only help other people around you, but will bring satisfaction and happiness to your life.

Only after learning to take care of myself, my online semester became more manageable. It was also easier for me to structure my thoughts and make decisions. Ultimately, I decided to apply for a dual-degree in Computer Science and Sound Engineering. Currently, I am waiting for my application decision. Whether or not I make it in the music industry, I will be happy to continue music production as a serious hobby—be it making music for myself, teaching, or producing for others. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you found something useful from my story.