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Disclaimer: These resources are curated using information and links from a variety of organizations. Any advertisements associated with these links may not be approved by the district. This information is not meant to diagnose or treat any medical condition. If you need psychological treatment, please seek out a licensed mental health professional.
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
For more information and resources about Grooming or child abuse, visit these organization's websites:
What is Grooming?
What is Grooming?
Grooming is the process of an abuser building a strong connection and trusting relationship with others with the intent to manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. Children and teenagers who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited, or trafficked.
A groomer can be anyone, regardless of age or demographic. They can be strangers or someone you know, and they can groom their victims in-person or online. The grooming process is a subtle and gradual process that can occur over any range of time, from weeks to years. Groomers may not only target young people--they might also develop a relationship with the child's family and community to build trust and gain more access to them. A real-life example of this is described in the documentary Abducted in Plain Sight, where an abuser, who started as a close family friend, groomed the entire family and community to eventually sexually abuse and abduct one of the children.
Types of Grooming
Types of Grooming
from Safe Kids Thrive:
Physical grooming involves desensitization to touch. The groomer progresses from "safe" touching, such as hugging, tickling, or wrestling. They gradually increase the level of physical contact while maintaining trust, eventually progressing to sexual contact.
Psychological grooming is used with both the child and the family. It involves giving them special, positive attention, becoming their "friend", and creating a "special relationship" with the child. Special gifts, treats, breaking of rules, foods they might not be allowed to eat at home, trips, and attention allow for a deep connection to be forged between the groomer and the child. The groomer convinces the parents that they are a positive influence on the child, therefore giving them more access to the kid. The result of these tactics is for the groomer to ultimately isolate and confuse the child into feeling responsible for, or complicit in the abuse (one of the primary reasons children do not report).
Community grooming is used by groomers to manipulate the people around them. They present themselves as responsible and caring citizens, which places them in positions of trust. This gives them easy, unsupervised access to children/youth to find and groom potential victims. Suspicion is then easily explained away by the community, which unknowing enables the continuation of the grooming process.
How it happens
How it happens
The Stages of Grooming
The Stages of Grooming
RAINN and Women Against Crime state that groomers will often follow a similar pattern:
Victim Selection: Groomers will select their victim based on the access and vulnerability of the person. They start by getting to know the potential victim and their contact information.
Forming a bond: Trust is built through gifts, special/positive attention, secret-sharing, or by fulfilling a need. They train victims to keep secrets and manipulate t.hem to believe they have a "special relationship." This is all leveraged to make the victim feel dependent on them.
Isolation: They separate their victim physically and/or emotionally from friends and family. This can occur in many different ways, sometimes with positive affirmations or favors.
Desensitization and Abuse: They begin to use physical touch with their victim in small ways (hugging, tickling, etc), then work their way up to increasingly sexual contact with them. This desensitization is often done by testing boundaries and using trust/the relationship as leverage. The groomer will start to abuse the victim for their own needs. They may require the victim to "repay them" with sexual acts/favors for themself (abuse/assault) or others (trafficking).
Normalization and Maintenance: They may use manipulation to convince the victim or friends and family that what they are doing is acceptable or normal and isn't grooming/abuse. They might use threats, violence, blackmail, or gaslighting to maintain control over the victim.
Warning Signs and Red Flags
Warning Signs and Red Flags
Always want to be alone with the child, especially in places that are not easily monitored
Discourage other adults from being involved when they are with the child
Prefer the company of the child to adults
Create opportunities to be alone with the child outside their designated role (for example, as a teacher, coach, etc.)
“Accidentally” expose themselves to the child on several occasions
Allow or encourage a child to do things that parents do not permit
Believe that the “rules” do not apply to them
Use excessive physical touching with the child—hugging, kissing, tickling, holding—even when the child does not ask for it
Demonstrate a great deal of interest in the child’s sexual development
Lack of respect for the child’s privacy and personal boundaries
Show an interest in the child that feels “too good to be true”
Use sexual jokes or language or “accidentally” expose the child to pornography
Make excessive comments about the child’s developing body
Give the child gifts without permission of caretakers and demand secrecy around these gifts
Minimize concerns about how they are interacting with the child
It can be difficult to tell if a child is being groomed – the signs aren't always obvious and may be hidden. Older children might behave in a way that seems to be "normal" teenage behavior, masking underlying problems.
Some of the signs you might see include:
being very secretive about how they're spending their time, including when online
having an older boyfriend or girlfriend
having money or new things like clothes and mobile phones that they can't or won't explain
underage drinking or drug taking
spending more or less time online or on their devices
being upset, withdrawn, or distressed
sexualized behavior, language, or an understanding of sex that's not appropriate for their age
spending more time away from home or going missing for periods of time.
A child is unlikely to know they've been groomed. They might be worried or confused and less likely to speak to an adult they trust.
Online Grooming
Online Grooming
A great website to learn about internet safety is InternetMatters.org. This resource is great for parents and caregivers needing advice or information about keeping their kids safe online.
What is Online Grooming?
What is Online Grooming?
Online groomers can be strangers or people you know. They can be anyone of any age, or demographic. The internet can allow privacy and secrecy, which allows groomers to hide behind fake profiles. They will befriend young people online and establish a close relationship with the intent to eventually that advantage of them for sexual purposes. Online grooming is a concern for many parents, so it's important to talk about it with kids to prevent it.
An online groomer may try to make you do things like...
have sexual conversations online or by text messages
send naked images of yourself, which is sometimes called sexting
send sexual videos of yourself
do something sexual live on webcam
meet up with them in person
(from Childline)
A child may find/meet new people online through various platforms.
Online groomers may use a fake profile to make them seem like a peer.
The groomer may build a relationship and sense of trust with the child. They might shower the child with compliments to make them feel special, promise them presents, or try fill some sort of need. Essentially, they will follow the Stages of Grooming over a virtual format.
Existing relationships can also be be exploited by a groomer. Not all groomers are total strangers, and they might convince the child that they have a special relationship, like boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other.
Researchers from the Online Grooming Communication Project found that groomers can victimize children online in as little as 18 minutes. They found that that groomers use a variety of websites and techniques to persuade and abuse their victims. They will often use language that is subtle to build trust and an emotional bond in order to persuade the young person.
Kayleigh’s Love Story is a dramatization of real events that show the dangers of grooming.
Where it can happen
Where it can happen
social media apps/websites
Examples: snapchat, instagram, facebook, tiktok, twitter
instant messaging and live streaming apps
chat rooms or online forums
photo sharing sites
online communities
dating apps/websites
online gaming sites with chat features
email
texting or text apps
There are certain online behaviors that may increase the risk for a child to be a victim. Some of these behaviors include:
Lying about his or her age to access platforms which would allow a child to communicate with older individuals.
Initiating contact with an individual online or offering to provide sexually explicit images to the individual in exchange for financial compensation, alcohol or drugs, gifts, etc.
Sending sexually explicit photos or videos (known as “sexts”) of oneself to another individual.
Talking to strangers on the internet frequently, such as adding unknown users to their "online friend network".
See the checklist below for ways to stay safe online!
See the checklist below for ways to stay safe online!
Social Media Safety for Teens.pdfClick here for more tips and information about internet safety
For Parents
Look out for increased instances of your child:
wanting to spend more and more time on the internet
being secretive about who they are talking to online and what sites they visit
switching screens when you come near the computer
possessing items – electronic devices or phones – you haven’t given them
using sexual language you wouldn’t expect them to know
becoming emotionally volatile
For Students
Below are some signs that you are possibly being groomed online:
You recognize relationship red flags (see Domestic/Sexual Violence page).
The person is secretive about themself. They might hide their face, refuse to video chat, or make up excuses to prove who they really are.
The person is much older than you or lies about their age.
They promise or give you gifts or special treats.
They ask you to keep secrets, especially from your parents/guardians.
They send you a lot of messages and compliments, more often than what is considered normal.
They ask you about personal information, like where you live or go to school. They might constantly ask you about where you are.
They want to meet up in person, and request that you come alone.
They send you sexual messages, such as ask you questions about your history of intimacy with others or sexuality.
They ask you to do or send things to pleasure them sexually.
They persuade or request you send them photos of you that are sexually explicit, or they send photos to you without permission. They might say that not sending them images will upset or hurt them.
They threaten to post or share any explicit images you've sent online.
They threaten you or your family, or try to blackmail you.
The short video below is about how children can become targets and what parents can do to prevent this.
The video below is intended to help young people spot the signs of online grooming and what to do.
Prevention
Prevention
Educating and empowering kids to protect themselves is the best preventative practices to reduce the likelihood of grooming. Although it can lower the risk, limiting your child's access to the internet is not a perfect safeguard to online victimization. Groomers can still gain access to them in a variety of ways, and without the knowledge to protect themselves, they can still be at risk.
Openly talk to your child about personal boundaries, healthy/unhealthy relationships, and the dangers of grooming. These can be difficult conversations, so we've gathered lots of information, guides, and resources to help you prevent grooming.
Conversations with your child
Conversations with your child
To start, you need to be a safe, approachable, and trustworthy adult for them. Let them know that they can tell you when they are concerned or if something bad happens without fear of judgement, or having their feelings minimized. Reassure them that they are not at fault and won't get in trouble or punished. The parent guides in the next section include guides for being be a trusted adult and how to create a safe environment for kids to talk to you.
What to talk about
What to talk about
How to stay safe
Body safety/personal safety (Child Personal Safety Education Tool Kit)
How to protect themselves such as self-defense
Personal information - what it is and who it should/shouldn't be shared with
Internet Safety (InternetMatters.org)
Prevention - have them report to you when they get any treats/gifts from adults or when they are alone with an adult (family included!)
Boundaries and relationships
Consent - what it is and skills to use it (TeachConsent.org)
Personal boundaries and how to set and maintain them (Guide to Strong Relationship Boundaries)
Examples of what is not ok, such as being shown pornography, sending nudes/sexually explicit photos, and inappropriate touch or sexual conversations.
Healthy and unhealthy relationships, including red flags and green lights
Possible dangers of a large online social network or lots of internet friends
Grooming
What grooming is and who groomers can be (people they know or strangers)
Dangers of grooming, how it can happen, and warning signs
Secrets - when they should be telling an adult/parents if someone tells them to keep a "special secret"
Online Grooming
Teenagers may be protective about their online network, and any intervention with it can feel threatening for them. One suggestion is you can allow them to have that privacy as long as they are safe, keep an open line of communication with you, and can understand, set, and maintain boundaries with others.
Online impersonation - explain how easy it is to be someone else online
Asking for help and next steps
Help them practice saying or acting out that conversation
Reassure them that it is not their fault and they aren't in trouble
Discuss reporting...
to DHS for child abuse
to the police to file charges against a groomer
directly on websites for inappropriate messages, posts, or other content
Sources: InternetMatters.org and Defend Young Minds
What you can say / how to respond
What you can say / how to respond
Talking to an adult can be scary for a young person, especially if they know something bad happened to them and they are worried about getting in trouble. They might not disclose a situation or uncomfortable interaction without being prompted. If they say something concerning while having the conversation with them, keep listening and react in a calm manner. Take it seriously -- don't downplay what they are sharing. If they are struggling to talk about it, acknowledge their feelings and gently encourage them to continue.
If you know an incident has occured before having a conversation, use Minimal Facts Interviewing. Below are some suggestions for what you can ask or say. You can also use the various parent guides further down this page for more tips/ideas.
Ask
Ask
Has anyone ever tried talking to you about inappropriate or sexual things? What did you do?
Have any adults offered you presents or compliments? Was it offered in exchange for something, such as a favor or explicit photos of you?
Do you trust all of your online friends? Are there any people you should unfriend or block?
Do you know how to report, flag, or block people on the websites and apps you use? Can you show me?
Who would you talk to if you were upset by a request you received online?
Reinforce
Reinforce
You have the right to say “NO” to anyone who talks about or asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, even if it’s someone you know.
Someone who pressures you to talk about or do something sexual is not someone you should trust.
Block, unfriend or report anyone sending an unwanted sexual request.
Talk to a friend or an adult you trust if you get upset about a sexual request. Sometimes just talking about it can help.
Be very careful about meeting "internet friends" offline. You should get your parents’ or guardians’ permission first, take them or another trusted adult with you and meet and stay in a public place.
Parent Guides
Parent Guides
being-a-trusted-adult.pdfConversation-starter-guide.pdftalking_to_kids_about child abuse.pdfTalking to Teens About Sexting.pdfProtecting Your Kids Online 2.0.pdfSocial Media Safety for Teens.pdfInternet-Matters-Guide-Online-grooming-what-parents-need-to-know.pdfInternet-Matters-Guide-Live-streaming-and-vlogging.pdfSTEPUP-Parent-Guide.pdfReconnecting with Your Child 2020.pdfPrevention Programs/Tools
Prevention Programs/Tools
"NetSmartz® is an NCMEC educational program that teaches children ages 5-17 about online safety and digital citizenship. NetSmartz offers free, age-appropriate resources including videos, games, presentations, and classroom lessons to help children learn essential digital citizenship skills and how to protect themselves and their friends online. NetSmartz also has resources for parents and other trusted adults who need assistance talking to children about technology or on how to protect them online."
Kid-safe site. Watch videos, play games, print coloring pages, and more!
Video Series
"Into the Cloud" is an entertaining Web Series for children ages 10 and under focused on internet safety.
The Middle and High School section contains short videos, cartoons, and real life stories.
"KidSmartz® is an NCMEC child safety program that educates families about preventing abduction and empowers kids in grades K-5 to practice safer behaviors. This program offers resources to help parents, caregivers, and teachers protect children by teaching and practicing the Four Rules of Personal Safety using tips, printable activities, quizzes, articles, music, videos, and more."
"NCMEC provides safety and prevention resources for families and child-serving professionals focusing on the topics of online and real-world safety, including skills on how to handle a variety of situations. Includes online and classroom training courses and other safety/preventative programming." Click here to access their free online, on-demand trainings related to prevention education.
PowerPoint presentations for a variety of ages and audiences.
Tip Sheets written for tweens, teens, parents, educators, and law enforcement, these tip sheets offer guidance on navigating digital safety.
Classroom Activities tailored for project-based learning and children with special needs.
A collection of resources featuring their parent guides, recommended resources for parents and teachers, and more.
Videos, tips, and information to keep kids safe online.
What to do after it happens
What to do after it happens
FOR STUDENTS
FOR STUDENTS
Talk to someone you trust like an adult, or you can always contact a Hotline
Report bullying and abuse directly to the website or app
Delete things you’ve shared that you’re worried about, or find ways to hide them
Tell the police by making a report to the CyberTipline if someone is threatening or blackmailing you
Plan for the future and change your privacy settings so it doesn’t happen again
You Sent a Sext...Now What?
You Sent a Sext...Now What?
You_Sent_A_Sext_Now_What.pdfIf you think you're being groomed, don't worry about getting in trouble – you haven't done anything wrong. There are people for you talk to and there are ways that you can report your concern.
If it is happening online, ask the person to stop
If you are able to, you might want to deal with the situation yourself. For example, you could ask the person to stop - tell them you don't feel comfortable with what has been occurring (ex: sending sexual images of yourself). You can also block and report them online. If the situation is happening in-person, it may be safer to not approach them on your own.
Tell an adult you trust
It is best to talk to a safe adult about the situation. Telling someone can seem really scary and you might feel like you'll get in trouble. It could also feel embarrassing. But telling someone can really help you start to get out of a bad or uncomfortable situation. For tips on how to ask an adult for help, see below or visit this website.
Report it
You can report an adult or stranger if they've touched you inappropriately, had you do sexual favors for them, asked for or sent you a sexual message, sent or done anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or asked you to meet up with them (if it happened online). You can find more information about reporting in the next section.
Tips for asking an adult for help
Tips for asking an adult for help
Section taken from Childline.org. Visit their website for more tips and information.
Who you can talk to
Who you can talk to
If you want to ask an adult for help, make sure it’s a person you trust and feel safe with. They might be someone you feel close to, or have helped you with something before. Some examples might be:
Parent, caregiver, or someone else in your family
Friend’s parent or caregiver, or a neighbor
Teacher, sports coach, Student/Family Advocate, or any other member of staff at your school
Doctor, school nurse or a school counselor
Religious leader, for example a priest, imam or rabbi.
How to start a conversation
How to start a conversation
Try these conversation starters:
"I want to tell you something but I don't know how."
"This is hard for me to say, but I have something important to tell you.”
“I need some advice on something I’m stressed about.”
If you're still not sure, there are lots of things you can do:
Write a letter (click here for a template)
Ask if what you say is kept private. (If you tell someone from our SEBH Department or a teacher, we may be required to follow mandatory reporter laws. If you are worried about confidentiality, ask first.)
Talk about something else first, such as something that relates to or mentions your concern. You can also start by saying you are asking for a friend.
Top tips to remember:
Top tips to remember:
Choose someone you feel safe with
Plan what you want to say - Prepare and Practice!
Make sure it’s a good time to talk and that they aren't distracted
You have control over how much you tell someone - you don’t have to say everything if you don’t want to
You can ask them before you say anything to keep what you've said private.
so-you-need-some-help.pdfFOR ADULTS
FOR ADULTS
If a child reveals abuse/grooming
If a child reveals abuse/grooming
(From NSPCC)
If a child talks to you about grooming, it's important to:
listen carefully to what they're saying
encourage them to talk freely
don't make judgemental comments
let them know they've done the right thing by telling you
tell them it's not their fault
say you'll take them seriously
don't confront the alleged abuser
reassure that you will protect them and will quickly take the next steps to stop the abuse
explain what you'll do next
report what the child has told you as soon as possible (see next section)
Reporting
Reporting
Call 9-1-1 if it is an emergency!
Child Abuse Hotlines
Child Abuse Hotlines
Iowa Department of Human Services Reporting Line: Call 1-800-362-2178
Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline: Click here or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
Stop It Now! Help Center or call 1-888-PREVENT.
211 Iowa offers peer counseling, crisis intervention and information and referrals in Iowa. Visit the link or just call 2-1-1 from your phone.
Darkness to Light’s helpline provides community resources. Call 1-866-FOR-LIGHT.
NCMEC's Team HOPE provides emotional support for families of exploited children. Call 866-305-HOPE (4673)
Para hablar con un consajero hispanohablante especializado en situaciones de crisis, póngase en contacto con Childhelp llamando al 1.800.4 A CHILD (1.800.422.4453).
DHS Reporting tips
DHS Reporting tips
Minimal Facts Interviewing.pdfIowa Sexual Abuse Hotline provides information, support and advocacy to victims and survivors of sexual abuse and their loved ones. Services are available to youth 13 and older and to adults. Call 1.800.284.7821.
The Iowa Coalition Against Sexual Assault provides resources for victims, survivors and families.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry provides information on how to find mental health services for your child.
Stop It Now! offers a list of resources to help your child heal and recover from child sexual abuse.
Stop It Now! Also offers a list of resources to help adult survivors of child sexual abuse.The Mothers of Sexually Abused Children offers mother of sexually abused children support and information.
Is Your Explicit Content Out There?
Is Your Explicit Content Out There?
From NCMEC:
You can notify the company where the images are posted yourself and you can make a report to the CyberTipline for help requesting removal of your sexually-exploitive images/videos. To report your sexually-exploitive images/videos to the CyberTipline, click here. In your report, you will need to report the image location to NCMEC. To do this, right click on the image and select either “Copy Image Location” or “Copy Image Address.” In the CyberTipline report, make sure to say there are nude or sexually-exploitive images/videos of you online and you want help to get the images removed.
Click here for a list of common social media sites, along with company information, resources, and tools to help remove any sexually-exploitive images/videos.
Victims and families often need additional support finding resources and figuring out next steps. If you need resources or someone to talk to, please click here.
What to do if you see something that upsets you online
How to block and report hurtful things online
How to report something on social media
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