power of emotion-II

Experience the Power of Your Emotions - Part II

Step 2: Keep a Healthy Relationship with Your Emotions

        Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, 

at the huge waves of the sea, 

at the long courses of the rivers, 

at the vast compass of the ocean, 

at the circular motions of the stars, 

and they pass by themselves without wondering.

~ St. Augustine

Welcome back to yourself! I hope by now some of you have already gone on some treasure-hunting expeditions in your emotional world. How have those experiences been like for you? What have you found in those encounters?

“Nothing! I tried over the weekend the homework assignment you gave me, but nothing came to me. I wasn’t feeling anything then, just like I’m not feeling anything now!” declared Rachel, sitting across me with folded arms and a frown etched on her forehead. It is easy at this point to conceptualize Rachel’s presentation as being “defensive,” or even “resistant to deepening therapy work.” Yet, considering the sharp contrast between her words and her body language, I decided to direct her attention to her present-moment bodily sensations. Puzzled by my request, Rachel haltingly obliged, “well… my heart is pounding…fast…there’s also some pressure here [pointing to her chest]…is it getting a bit hot in this room?” As she went on describing each salient bodily sensation at that moment, suddenly something clicked in her head. “Wait…this reminded me of last Friday when Michael gave me another ultimatum…”

Rachel DID feel something; actually she felt quite a lot. When people habitually experience difficulties verbalizing their feelings, it could be that they have not been taught to put feelings into words since childhood and, therefore, have not developed an adequate vocabulary of emotions. They might not have been allowed to experience or express certain emotions. They might have been suffering from “alexithymia” (i.e., difficulties in understanding, identifying, and processing emotions). They might have learned to survive distressful situations with such coping mechanisms as denial, numbing, and distraction. Most of the time, they tend to keep a “detached” relationship with emotions. When pressed by questions like “how do you feel about this or that,” they may become confused by the questions, offer what they “think”, or admit they have no clue to their emotional reactions. When clients tend to report “they don’t have any particular feeling” or “they feel nothing” in most situations, I do not jump to the conclusion that they are consciously hiding something from me or unconsciously sabotaging the therapy. For they may be telling the truth: They are a total stranger in their emotional world!

At the other polar extreme, people may easily become overwhelmed by their emotions. “Oh, trust me, you really don’t want to see me get angry here [in the session]. ‘Cause when I get angry, it’s like this…Monster…suddenly taking over…or…I suddenly become this huuuuge Monster…” Then Tom went on to rave about how infuriating it was when his mother dismissed all his opinions in their last conversation, reliving that upsetting incident all over again. After about ten minutes of ranting, Tom inquired apologetically with vacant eyes, “sorry…I can’t remember...where were we?” People who tend to have a “fused” relationship with their feelings may constantly find themselves on an emotional roller-coaster ride. When being engulfed by certain feelings inside, they feel like being thrown into a speedy car. Even though they are the ones behind the steering wheel, they are in no control over the runaway vehicle. Not knowing where the brake is or how to step on it, they can do nothing but sit helplessly watching the intensity, impulsivity and reactivity of their feelings running amok.

Where do you fall on this detached-fused continuum in your relationship with emotion? Do you usually stay far, far away from your feelings to protect yourself from heartaches, to maintain productivity, to just keep going? Or do you usually get so close to your feelings that you cannot see/think clearly or act sensibly? Or do you find yourselves constantly oscillating between these two polar extremes? For example, staying distant from certain emotions (e.g., hurt, shame, worthlessness) while, at the same time, getting enmeshed in certain emotions (e.g., anxiety, anger, sadness). Use the afore-mentioned conceptual tool as a starting point to reflect on how you get along with your emotions and how you may improve this relationship.

To develop a healthy relationship with emotion, it is important to practice the rule of “the golden mean”—staying in the middle range of the detached-fused continuum. This middle ground has been given many different labels, such as presence, the core self, mindfulness, just to name a few. When you are in this middle ground, you feel open to, curious about and receptive to your internal experiences in a centered stance. There you are informed, rather than impaired by emotion, which gives you the opportunity to respond, rather than react to challenging circumstances. Being in this accepting and grounded state not only enables you to approach the full spectrum of your emotions but helps you to see the connections among your emotion, cognition, and behavior. There are numerous ways to reach this accepting presence, e.g., focusing, meditation, guided imagery. You can try practicing whichever method works best for you. Remember: Only the truth that works for you is your truth. Try exploring your emotional world with accepting presence. I am sure you will uncover many hidden “wonders” there!