Know thyself

If you fly away from yourself, 

your prison will run with you 

and will close in because of the wind of your flight;

If you go deep down into yourself, 

it will disappear in paradise.

~by Gustave Thibon

In the field of psychotherapy, helping people to increase self-knowledge has been a common practice since time immemorial. What people come to learn about themselves in therapy can be fascinating, sometimes even shocking, as the work deepens. Personally, I never quite understand why the general public would (mis)label people who seek counseling as being “weak-willed.” For, based on my clinical experiences, it’s usually the exact opposite. Therapy can be such a daunting endeavor, really not for the faint of heart. Therapy is also such a mysterious adventure that no one can predict from the start what we may discover along the way or where we may land in the end. Inevitably in the counseling process, after all the smoke screens of complaining and blaming are cleared, there comes a time when we have to take an honest look deep down into ourselves. And what if we don’t like or can’t comprehend what we’ve unearthed?  Where do we go from there?

Once while I was guiding a client through a simple relaxation exercise, suddenly she opened her eyes and said, “I can’t relax. ‘Something’ just wouldn’t let me.” “What is it?” I wondered out loud. The client replied, with a bit of a shock on her face, “I don’t know... But it’s me, like another part of me. When I try to relax, it just keeps popping up and wouldn’t let me.” Anyone who has had an internal conflict knows exactly what this client was talking about. We’ve all experienced different parts of us once in a while. We may hear a part in our mind, like the critical voice of my Perfectionistic Part that wouldn’t stop commenting on anything I put down while working on this article. We may feel a part viscerally, like the gripping sensation in the chest when a Panicky Part strikes. We may also visualize a part, like seeing a Depressive Part as a shadow descending upon us or a black hole waiting to devour us.

Naturally, we may prefer some parts over others. For example, we may value an Achieving Part that helps us stay productive and feel accomplished and despise a Shaming Part that makes us feel worthless. But all our parts, no matter how bizarre or even scary, serve important functions and exist for good reason; if nothing else, they have helped us survive. Imagine a child having to grow up in a violent home environment. Wouldn’t it be nice to feel protected by a Dissociative Part that can shut down his feelings, so that he does not get engulfed by the constant and often unpredictable chaos and terror? Or to gain some sense of control through a People-Pleasing Part that knows how to steer him out of harm’s way? All our parts come into existence in reaction to our needs for survival at a given time in life.

Problems arise when the parts that once helped us survive now impede us from moving forward. Imagine that same child who survived the chaotic past with the protection of his Dissociative Part is now a grow-up—a husband and a father of two children. Let’s say, over the years, he has also developed strong Rational and Intellectual Parts combined with a super Workaholic Part. These parts work well together on his career front, from which he derives most of his confidence and self-esteem. Yet, being chronically cut off from his own feelings, how do you think he would react when his wife complains about their loveless marriage? Or when his children go to him for comfort or emotional support? My guess is that, when such touchy-feely stuff just doesn’t compute in his head, his default might be shutdown and withdrawal into his own world, trying to work harder, to earn more money, to be more successful in his job…until someday these coping strategies outlive their usefulness.

Parts can help us survive, but not thrive. To live our lives fully, we need to live in our Self. According to Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems Therapy, we all have a Core Self that can observe, heal and transform all our parts. And we can all access it on demand as long as we know how to. The Core Self has nine C-qualities: curiosity, calmness, connectedness, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, confidence and choice. With the Core Self, we do not easily get “hijacked” or “possessed” by our parts. Instead, we can learn to help our parts work harmoniously together and function beautifully as an integrated whole.

In the beginning of therapy, clients often tell me, “I am damaged goods. It’s too late to do anything now,” or “______ (e.g., always feeling depressed) is just who I am.” They then ask me, “What can trauma recovery work do? What exactly will I recover?” The ultimate goal of trauma recovery is to recover our true Self from the chronic fragmentation of our parts. And come to know that “we” are never broken; it’s only “a part of us” that believes we are.

*Note: It is highly recommended that individuals with severe traumatic experiences work through their issues with mental health professionals who are well-trained in trauma-informed care.