Autism & Co-dependency

Early Years ~ The other side of the fence

During my early years I was on the other side of the fence of people being co-dependent towards myself, bring their views, communication profiles, situations and enforcing them on myself that I had to "act", "be" and "present" myself in certain generic way, this was during the days of being non-verbal but progressed further when I gained functional speech, It was as if my world was being controlled by another and that my hands was being taken and lead to places which I didn't understand nor wanted to be, because "selfhood" is important.

I now since garnering more knowledge that is was partly to do with Exposure anxiety, dissociation, weak sense of self (common in borderline personality disorder) and a mood disorder.

Compliance & Low Self Esteem and "Saving" Others

Compliance Issues

• • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

  • I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

  • I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

  • I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

  • I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

  • I make decisions without regard to the consequences.

  • I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Low Self Esteem Issues - Related to Exposure Anxiety

• • I have difficulty making decisions.

  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

  • I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

  • I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.

  • I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

  • I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.

  • I perceive myself as inferior to others.

  • I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

How these issues came about the fine line between helping and over helping

Its a shame that the paradox of having people being co-dependent to me, created myself to have the co-dependency issue, the traits listed above are the ones that affect me. I want to help, I want to understand people and in some ways "save them" this is wrong on two counts if you're denying your own selfhood for the sake another and you're also denying their selfhood also. These issues came about when I was young at around the ages of 10 or 11 I was insecure I wanted to help people all the time when ever there were issues such as disruption or personal problems I would be there for that person striving for their happiness, but it doesn't work like that. Its getting the balance right giving someone help and advice is brilliant but when it becomes too much it becomes unhealthy for both yourself and the other person involved. I'm on a learning curve and Donna Williams continues to help me on my journey, I need to get the balance right for both myself and other people

Selfish Narcissists ~ Seeing the the insecurity

Selfish: Research upon narcissists’ behaviour in resource dilemmas supports the case for narcissists as being selfish

Campbell and Foster (2007)

Being too giving can create a cycle of negative people coming in and out of your life, this has happened to me countless times and its through the issue of having an imbalance of the "give" and "take" of a relationship that can be in itself destructive and countering what is means to be in a relationship. Narcissists are selfish, cunning, lack empathy and will not care about the emotional drainage this will happen on the person who is always "giving" because they will always keep taking.

What I have learned

I have learned that selfhood & selflessness are good in balanced harmony its about helping but not over helping, its about receiving but not receiving much. You can't take on everyone's problems that's impossible but your can help people in so many ways that can make a massive impact. Its about not selling your own selfhood and not taking away anybody else's selfhood. Respect, dignity and empathy must be kept for you and others.